A Researcher's Vice
“Just how many levels are there in this place?” Foot Note asked. He puffed his breath against his legs. The young stallion, a light blue coated individual, was most certainly not upon the heavy side. His years of extensive research and paperwork had left him with a slight frame, certainly not equipped for the cold, icy interior of the tunnels that he was now navigating. Four years now he had been studying Equestrias past, a surprisingly miniscule area. There was of course the recent past of the vanquishing of Nightmare Moon by the bearers of the Elements of Harmony.
Before that was the banishment of the corrupted Princess Luna to the moon, and before that was the conquest of the Crystal Empire by King Sombra. And even further back than that was the overthrowing of Discord by the now Princesses. But before that, history seemed to reach a dead end. Foot Note had checked every library he could find, every paper of history, every last museum piece, but before that everything was a blank, like it had been wiped from the books.
His guide, Withered Scroll, looked back at him. It was always a struggle to not grimace when the older Earth pony looked straight at him. The entire right side of his face was turned up in a permanent smile, the skin scarred thickly amongst the thick winter coat. Foot did not like to think about how he got it. Withered Scroll clicked his tongue impatiently.
“Just how much did they tell you at orientation?” he asked the unicorn. The researcher quickly began fumbling with his papers in thought, a nervous habit he had picked up.
“Well, they obviously told me this is where all the significant historical finds were brought for study, that this was where we locked up the dangerous finds…” he fumbled over his words. Withered, however, was quick to interrupt.
“But they didn’t tell you about the Empire Vaults, did they?” he asked. The blue unicorn shook his head slowly. He knew of the Canterlot Vaults obviously, the royal treasury, but assuming that the Crystal Vaults were the equivalent for the Crystal Empire, then they were a series of vaults to hold the wealth of the Crystal Empire. Withered gestured for him to follow with a hoof, adjusting the lantern slung around his neck.
“Publicly this level doesn’t exist, physically it’s below even the crystal caverns, we use it for the…special cases” he explained, stumbling over the choice of words to make his point without giving the wrong image.
“So there’s no point trying to find it in the reference guide. This whole level was transported directly from underneath the Crystal Empire” Withered explained. Foot Note, eager as ever for explanations, quickly burst in with questions.
“But if this was all built under the Crystal Empire, then why did we move it here?” the unicorn asked inquisitively. The earth pony before him froze, only to turn back to stare at him. The unicorn shuffled his papers again, not coping well under the intense gaze of his peer.
Eventually, the burly earth pony groaned.
“They really don’t tell you newbies anything, do they?” he asked. Foot remained silent. He wasn’t entirely sure if the other pony’s rather derisive attitude was intended to target him directly, or the board that controlled this facility, but logic told him that raising his voice at this moment would do him no favours.
“Okay, so about fifteen hundred years ago, the Crystal Empire decides it wants to trade, to deal to the rest of Equestria and the other lands. So they begin mining under the city, pulling crystals, gold, that sort of thing. And of course, given the whole darn place is made of the stuff, they grow wealthy from it. Following so far short horn?” Withered asked. Foot Note in no way truly appreciated the somewhat discriminating remark, but he ignored it, nodding his affirmative.
“Eventually, they find something besides crystals, a wall of stone. This EXACT stuff” Withered explained, rapping his hoof against a wall.
“And Celestia orders them to clear it, to see if they can bring it up to the surface. So they start clearing all the crystals off of it, using the money they make from it to fund more workers. And this thing, it’s absolutely huge, five thousand metres squared” the unicorn froze at the last statement. At last he understood. That was the exact dimensions of this portion of the facility. What efforts it must have taken to bring it here.
“So, long story shirt, eventually they uncover it all. According to some egghead I listened to, judging by the growth of the crystals over it, the thing was there for at least one hundred million years”
“One hundred million? But that’s…”
“Well beyond all recorded history, I know” the earth pony interrupted his company before he could finish
“Anyways, all across the front, they find this writing. Of course, no one understands what it says, but they crack it open anyways. God we were lucky, it could have had bombs in there for all we knew” both ponies shuddered at the thought
“But you know what they found? Millions of frozen seeds, packed into vaults that not even a dragon could burn its way into. In fact, most of those seeds were what our current produce is descended of” setting his lantern down, Withered reached into his saddlebag, pulling out an apple. Even in the gloom of the tunnel, it’s red skin glistened ever so slightly in the light of the lantern.
“Take this apple for instance. Before, there had only been derivatives, zap apples, Starlight Snappers, that sort of thing. But when the vaults were opened, the scientists on hoof asked to grow a few. These ones grew, a couple hundred millennia less evolved, but still well selling produce, and so they were commercialised” the pony rambled on. Foot Note rolled his eyes silently, this ‘little’ explanation was going to take ages.
Withered placed the apple away, lifting his lantern again.
“And so” he continued “they begin clearing out these seeds, millions of ‘em by the cartload. Until” the elder pony paused for what was evidently his own dramatic effect “they find something, hidden right at the back” he was walking slower now, were they nearing their destination?
“Locked in a little vault all of its own. God those researchers must have had a field day. Can you imagine? Not only finding roughly ten percent of a planets flora, but a viable specimen” Foot Note froze at that, quickly cantering up alongside his guide.
“Viable? As in it had flesh?” he asked. Withered turned to stare at him, an incredulous look on his face.
“Of course it had flesh, it was in a damned freezer. But here’s the thing, when they bring the unicorns in to move it out, thinking it’s got some sort of ‘potential disease’ their magic does diddly. Doesn’t work on any of the stone either” Withered rapped a hoof against the wall for emphasis. “So instead, they start tugging it out, and the moment its outside, the plants start to wither, blacker than death”
Foot note mulled over this in his head. A creature that made the ground beneath it wither? Granted, the gaze of some older basilisks could kill the plants, but certainly not in death. The colts thoughts were interrupted by a heavy hoof tapping him on the head.
“Hey, wake up, no daydreaming, it’s rude not to listen, especially when I’m filling in the holes you made for yourself” he sneered. It wasn’t an openly malicious statement, but maybe a little prideful.
“Go on” Foot Note sighed. Withered Scroll smiled.
“So they shove it back inside. And Celestia asks that the entire complex be moved here. As for those working here, well, they named him ‘Millenium’ I dunno, some sort of reference to a foals nursery rhyme. And then they slammed him in here” he pointed towards a door, adorned with numerous heavy locks and bars, sealing whatever they wanted kept in.
“Just don’t get too close, he tends to end up doing weird things when ponies do that” Withered Scroll suggested as, with some careful manipulation with his teeth, he pressed the key into the lock.
“Get too close, why not?” Foot Note asked, his brain going at a hundred miles an hour to find the answer for himself. What worry would a corpse pose…unless…… The door began steadily to swing open.
“It’s, alive?” Foot Note asked. Withered Scroll shrugged his withers.
“Well, sorta” He mumbled around the key as he stepped inside. His form was quickly swallowed by the thick vapours coming from within. After a moments hesitation, Foot Note followed him within. The cold bit at his form even more savagely now, goose bumps appearing on his skin beneath his coat.
It sat there before him, almost innocently. Withered Scroll was staring at it as a schoolchild might the uniform of a racer in a museum.
“No matter how many times you see it, it never really….clicks” he murmured. The first thing that Foot noticed was the odd proportions. All but emaciated, the body was little more than skin and bones, and grey skin at that. What little muscle actually existed on the creature was rigidly defined by the lack of fat to cover the tight sinews beneath. The posture where it sat in the crudely fashioned throne also set him back, the forelimbs resting on two armrests that they were adhered to by thin sheets of ice. Each one terminated in five dextrous digits, evidently designed to bend to hold delicately. From the tips of these sprouted long, pointed though flat claws, embedded in torn and brutalized cuticles. Strangely, the growth of these did not look altogether natural. The researcher turned back to his superior for silent clarification.
“Some newbie’s dare, ground them down into points on this stone. Of course, by the time he finished, he’d completely lost it and no one exactly wants to give it a nail clipping” Foot was a little taken back by this, who would grind a seemingly dead creatures nails down into points on a dare? He felt it best not to question the absurdity, for in the end, no answer would prevent itself.
Every inch of the beast was clothed, and much to his sickness, the overcoat it wore appeared to be made of blackened hide, stretching almost to its calves. How much flesh had it taken to make such a garment. Beneath the garish fabric, simpler articles presented themselves. A black, buttoned shirt, frosted over from the cold. And the lower half, it was adorned with the oddest set of trousers, grey instead of black, with the ends bound to its legs with several straps. Straps so deep, they appeared to have cut into the flesh beneath them, the edges now melded in place by the flesh healing over them. Foot couldn’t even hope to figure out if it wore footwear, for a large ice block had frozen over the creatures feet, obscuring them.
But its face, its face was nearly completely clear to see. Dark circles burned under its eyelids, had the creature been sleep deprived in life? Dark auburn hair grew down around its head, thick, but eerily silky. It was a strange sight to see as the breath of Foot rippled the hairs, the ice crystals within shimmering like some parody of the princesses.
Raising his hooves up onto the knees of the creature, Foot Note leaned in closer. The body was perfectly preserved, if presumably discoloured from lack of blood in its veins. But the eyelids, he needed to raise them, to see what gems lay beneath. If he could only…
The pony’s thoughts were shattered as a firm set of teeth grasped the scruff of his neck, tugging him away from the creature, sliding across the floor.
“Dear Celestia, son” Withered Scroll snarled “If you do that you won’t even last a day on the job” he warned. Foot gaped his mouth like a fish. What had he been about to do? Even he knew it was unethical to touch a specimen without permission. Clearing his thoughts, he stared back at the creature with his cohort, as he began to hear it. A sound not unlike tissue paper being creased by a soft breath of wind.
Slowly, the lips of the creature parted, revealing blackened gums, ivory coloured teeth set into them. Slowly, a thick white fog exhumed itself, running across the creatures chin as it exhaled a long breath. Foot Note was speechless. It really was alive.
“But how?” was his first question “It’s been down there for millennia, with no sustenance, It should be dust” he protested. Withered Scroll stepped round the creature, careful to avoid touching it. Leaning down, he lifted a clipboard in the crook of his hoof from a small, low set workdesk.
“That ‘thing’ shouldn’t even technically exist. According to every unicorn who’s ever examined it, even the princesses themselves, it has no magical aura, no core. Presumably, this ‘non existence’ let it survive. That is if we’re assuming Equestria once was a land with no magic. Doesn’t help us much though. Magic has no effect on it, and the moment it’s beyond this room, it decays everything around it, undoing the magical bonds. What was it Star Swirl said?” he asked himself, flipping a page awkwardly with his tongue “here it is, a ‘walking wasteland’ he cited, replacing the clipboard.
Foot nodded and listened. This…entity, was older than his rulers, those who had shaped his world. It was undoing everything he knew. Withered stood beside him.
“Ok, this is your first time, so feel free to step outside the room if you need to. But DON’T whatever you do, stay longer than five hours” he looked back at the silent creature “It does something to ponies” he murmured, before hastily exiting the room.
Foot was left in silence. Silence that now felt cloying, wrong, threatening even. Reaching back into his saddlebags, the pony pulled out a pencil, before slowly hovering it towards the seated monster. When the manipulated object came within a foot of it, the magical aura died, the pencil dropping into the lap of the creature. And in an instant, it turned into dust.
Besides being aghast, Foot Note was transfixed. Such power, power that even Discord had lacked, to simply reduce to nothing, from a sleeping ancient no less. And here he was, free to observe it in its sleep, without risk. But still, Withered Scrolls warning, the time limit. And what had his grandfather said? So long ago.
“Even a dead god still dreams”
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i like it, i like it alot
This some good stuff
This is lookin to be a good fic. I'm looking forward to future chapters. The no aura-decay thing is going to be interesting...
You have my attention...
I LOVE IT
Will there be more? I think this is the first time I've seen a Humans in Equestria fic where the human in question was something out of SCP.
Go on...
2499889
There will be more. I also encourage a little critiscim from those who read it if you are dissatisfied
Looking good. Keep it up!
2500278
What gave you the impression that I was dissatisfied? This story is great!
2500938
I didn't assume you were, I just like it when I get feedback on what people might like.
So, Humans are Cthulhu here?
2501214
Spoilers.
2501464
Damn you, River Song
2501610
I'm British, I'm allowed to use that to troll people.
Best 1 chapter of a story I have read
2502564
You flatter me sir/madame/sentient robot. Pass it around
A sleeping god. Immediately made me think of this.
(I recently became a Doctor Who fan, and I must say, it is bloody brilliant!
(Horrible attempt to act like a British person online.))
I'm a style and mechanics specialist, so I'm afraid this will be rather dry.
First, the synopsis.
"Millenia" is plural. You want the singular, "millenium".
In English, place names are capitalized. It should be: Crystal Empire.
Watch for minor mechanical mishaps. Here, you missed the space between the sentences.
Suggest researching each type of punctuation mark, and learning their correct usages. For example, the second comma here should be an em-dash.
Chapter One.
The title needs a posessive apostrophe. Already we see the importance of knowing mechanics.
"Footnote" is one word. However, if there is some character-related thing or play on words here, you can be granted poetic license.
Paragraph three, sentence three: horse actually have hair, not fur. There is indeed a difference.
Paragraph four: "Unicorn" should not be capitalized. Some languages capitalize all nouns, but English only does so for proper nouns. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proper_noun
Paragraph five: there should be a comma after "Withered". Yes, work on punctuation will be necessary.
All of the needed information on English mechanics can be found with a little creative searching. But a more efficient option, (if you don't mind spending a little money) is this book, which explains punctuation in a manner easy to learn. Even if you're not planning to write for serious publication, this knowledge will always have value.
Your style, overall, is better. But it is still a little rough. Solutions: practice, polish, rewrite, and read plenty of different authors. Examine others' writing with a critical eye, and think about what works and what doesn't.
These should also be of help:
http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/george-orwells-5-rules-for-effective-writing/
http://peterstekel.com/PDF-HTML/Kurt%20Vonnegut%20advice%20to%20writers.htm
If you have any questions, just ask.
Keep at it. Don't give up!
2505348
First off, thank you for taking the time to give me some good constructive critiscism, i know it must have taken a while.
For my synopsis, I've always heard it said 'for a millenia' over here in the UK, but I'll take your word for it. The crystal empire, thanks for pointing that out.
Yes indeed, Foot Note is his first and last name respectivley, so i shall not be changing that. I must apologise for spacing issues, I typed initially into Microsoft Word, and as most of us know it does not transfer well.
I honestly can't comment on fur, since I don't even remember typing it. I am aware there is a difference (when you live in a national park with 2000 of them you learn) but I think at the time I ws trying to reflect how the character has adapted to the coldness of the chambers. It tends to be an argument here as to whether it can be called fur or a coat at the time. still, it shall be ammended.
As for my punctuation errors, all I can really say is I have a thought I likely turned off my spellcheck. Thank you for the links, I presume you mean link 2 for the book?
Thanks again for all your advice, it's always nice to have some advice.
2504818
As a British person, I hereby make you a whovian
2505740
Oops, forgot to add a link to the book. I recommend it to everyone.
Spellcheckers are good for catching typos. But they can't catch many common errors. A far better thing is to learn the mechanics yourself. That's the boring part of learning to be a writer; the fun part comes later. And as I said, it's a valuable life skill.
One more suggestion. If you can't get a decent proofreader, put your draft down for a week or so, then come back to it and go over it for errors or stylistic things that can be improved. Never publish a fresh draft.
2506463
Yeah, I'll confess all actual grammar errors are likely my own fault. Since i've been typing this after college my concentration falters. Heck, I don't even remember posting it up. But still, thanks for all the honest advice.
2506463
Oops, quick querie, you mentioned em dashes. Can you elaborate?
2506651
Well, that's it right there. You would be surprised at how many problems you catch, just from self-editing after time has passed.
2506654
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Em-dash#Em_dash
Actually, you can probably learn about all punctuation from Wikipedia. It's drier than Eats, Shoots and Leaves, though.
2505348 I just want to throw a note out on "Unicorn".
Capitalizing this word, in this context, is pretty much a matter of preference. As Horse Voice says, under English rules it should not be capitalized. However, in context it refers to a race, not a species. In the real world, we do capitalize races and nationalities, so under this definition, it should be capitalized.
Best bet? Pick one (either to capitalize or not) and apply it consistently to all three races (unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies).
As to content, this is a very nice opener, and I'm looking forward to more. You haven't revealed much about how the mechanics of how magic works yet, but what you have is very intriguing. The setup feels very much like something out of traditional weird fiction, something we don't really get enough of in this community. I do recommend you find yourself a proofreader, though (or do as HV suggests and wait several days before doing it yourself). I'd also suggest reading it aloud when reviewing; your phrasing its awkward in some areas, and doing so has always helped me make sentences flow better. As I said, though; a very good start.
2506721
Oh wait, so the em dash is used to break a sentence if interupted?
2506934
I think i'll stick with lowercase, its simpler all around. And yes, I'm a VERY big fan of Lovecraft, Clive Barker and the like. I'd truthfull like to do both, anyone know someone I could ask for proof reading?
2506945
It's difficult to explain. If the Wiki article isn't clear enough, the book I recommended is your best bet. I wish I could explain it more clearly, but I'm not in the best way right now, and don't want to accidentally mislead you.
And rest assured, I am quite serious on the importance of punctuation. It's the first lesson when I tutor someone.
2507583
I know, I'm a stickler for it too. Which is why i'm not above sitting down for a lecture. Sadly the book will need to wait, as I am stone broke
2507706
Then you can do internet research on punctuation. When you've mastered it, ask me for more help, if you like.
2509394
I will, thanks for your help mate. It really is appreciated
Hooly shit bro.
This is good stuff. I love the "sleeping god/hero/villain" story.
Love the quote at the end. "Even a dead god still dreams."
Who is this guy?
What is the creature based of?
He makes me think of Azathoth the blind idiot God from the Chuthulu mythos