It's silly, it's pointless, and it makes little to no sense... I've heard of worse story ideas.
A 'Know your Star' story; only with your favourite ponies getting unneeded hassle and lies told about them. Won't this be fun? Probably not... But hey, everything can't be seriousness all the time, so let's take a load off and just pester some ponies, and Spike for good measure.
The never ending adventures of Know Your Mare march on and on and on.
The purple pony in the center of the dark room smiled a little as the male voice echoed through the area around her.
Twilight Sparkle…
…is a conspiracy nut…
"Conspiracy nut? Not at all. I will admit that prier to Nightmare Moon's release I was rather hung up on her possibility. But I was proven right so…"
Twilight Sparkle…
…never passed Magic Kindergarten…
"I-I did! Honest. I could go get my certificate… It's hung over my bed in a frame."
Twilight Sparkle…
…takes gems from Spike while he's sleeping…
"I would never—"
…Then puts his hand in a bowl of water…
"Why would I—"
…Then calls him a bed wetter the next day…
"Lies! These are nothing but lies!"
Twilight Sparkle…
…thinks this is a conspiracy to make her look bad…
"Well, now that you mention it…"
Twilight Sparkle…
…Just confirmed she's a conspiracy nut…
"I am not a conspiracy nut! And I don't do any of those things."
Now you know…
…Twilight Sparkle…
"I can't say that they do."
I can. Because I'm a disembodied voice…
"I'm out of here… I am going to send a strongly written report to Princess Celestia the moment I'm out of here about how twisted this show is…" stomping out of the single light, Twilight faded away before being followed by a loud door slam.
The star designed purple wizard hat upon the mare's head dipped a little as she smirked proudly.
Trixie—
"The Great and powerful Trixie, if you'd please."
The Great and Powerful Trixie...
…hates her mane…
"Hat my mane? Absurd! Who could possibly hate such a luxurious and magnificent silver mane like my own?"
The Great and Powerful Trixie…
…Is homeless…
"I'm not—Well… I wasn't until recent events. But I could have another one built in no time."
The Great and Powerful Trixie…
…Can't afford to bathe…
"What makes you say that? Do I smell? I bathe regularly! I assure you!"
The Great and Powerful Trixie…
…does favors for Twilight Sparkle for food…
"Not in a million years! I'd rather be stripped of my magic and eat dirt then take one knee to that upstart!"
The Great and Powerful Trixie…
…traded her powers to Twilight for a sandwich…
"Where are you hearing these lies? The Great and Powerful Trixie demands names!"
The Meek and Powerless Trixie…
"What did you call me?"
…she robs tip jars…
"Once! I took it once! The service was far from befitting my magnificent presence. They owed me that tip for the poor service!"
Now you know…
…Trixie…
"They don't! They think I'm a poor beggar with ratty hair because of you!"
Dial the number below and help this mare get off the streets… and off Twilight Sparkle's lawn…
"The Great and Powerful Trixie is never on any of these things! I'm not poor, I'm not poor!" the blue mare shouted with a slight whine as the light showing her faded to black.
Regally the pure white mare stood with her rainbow-hue mane drifting along her back as she formed a smile at the start of the words.
Princess Celestia…
…She's old…
"Well, that goes without saying."
…and it shows…
"Are you implying I look elderly? I assure you I most certainly don't… I at least think not."
Princess Celestia…
…she wears a wig…
"That's most certainly untrue; I'd like you to know. My sister and I both are gifted with magnificent manes. Please keep your statements to facts."
Princess Celestia…
…she lowers the sun when she doesn't want to work…
"I can't say I've ever done that… more then once, heh heh."
Princess Celestia…
…has a Royal Nose picker…
"Why would I have one of—Wait a moment… No, no. It's still untrue."
Princess Celestia…
…banished her parents but keeps her title because it makes her sound younger…
"Banishing people without warrant? Family no less? Sir, I won't stand for you smearing anymore lies on my good name."
Now you know…
Princess Celestia…
"They certainly don't. You realize I'm the princess, right? I will not standby and let you continue these lying acts," with a flex of her wings, Princess Celestia stormed off out of the light in the room.
The white mare flipped her purple mane back with a proud smile as she batted her eyelashes in the single light above her.
Rarity…
…is embarrassed of her family…
"Well, what young filly wouldn't be a little indifferent about their family? But I do love them, really I do."
Rarity…
…tells her sister not to sing…
"Perish the thought. I love my little sister's wonderful singing. I would never tell her nor anyone to squander their talent for my own needs."
Rarity…
…is jealous of her sister's singing talent…
"I'm sorry, what? No. I am most definitely not jealous of my sister in any way. I can sing spectacularly myself, so I need not be jealous of my younger sister's talent."
Rarity…
…wishes she was young like her sister…
"Are you implying that I am old?"
Rarity…
…is losing her hearing with old age…
"How dare you! I am a beautiful and radiant young mare!"
Now you know…
…Rarity…
"What? You're ending it there? You haven't cleared up any of your lies yet!"
Woops, I forgot to speak louder for her…
NOW YOU KNOW…
…RARITY…
"I never!" with a huff, Rarity slipped into the darkness, nose held high and stomping all the way.
The light that usually lit the lone pony in the center stage had been greatly dimmed as light twinkles shown off from the mare’s mane.
Princess Luna…
…is jealous of her sister…
“Not in the slightest. I honor my sister and aspire to be her level of harmony one day. It has nothing to do with petty emotions.”
Princess Luna…
…sent Gilda an invitation to Ponyville to cause trouble…
“Who is Gilda? Never the less, I did no such thing. I would never purposely cause trouble for others.”
Princess Luna…
…released Discord—
“Pardon?”
--then helped him steal the Elements—
“Tis’ a bold-faced—“
--then told him their weaknesses…
“Blasphemy! This is outright treason!”
Princess Luna…
…plans to overthrow her sister…
“Overthrow my—we share equal power!”
Princess Luna…
…wants all the power to herself…
“Never! I would sooner die than plot against mine own sister!”
Now you know…
Princess Luna…
“They know only lies! I shall see you quartered for these statements. Do you hear me? Quartered!” Luna echoed her voice through the vast emptiness before ducking out into the darkness.
For once, a pony was not in the spotlight. Instead, a small dragon with green spines running down his back stood there with a cool smile.
Spike…
…plays with dolls…
“Once! Just once. Well… one day… two days at the most.”
Spike…
…is a closet dance star…
“Dance star? I’ve got two left prints. I can’t dance at all.”
Spike…
…cuts Rarity’s hoof nails…
“Only when she asks. I love helping her out.”
Spike…
…raids Rarity’s garbage…
“Who told—I mean… no I don’t…”
Spike…
…is a cyborg robot from the future…
“I’m a what? How… how would I even be—That doesn’t make any sense. But it is cool.”
Spike…
…styles Twilight’s mane to look like Rarity’s while she sleeps…
“That’s sick! What kind of sicko would do that!?”
And now you know…
…Spike…
“What? Really? No they don’t! I’m so telling Twilight about this. She’ll do… something… I don’t know what, but she will,” Spike muttered while moving into the darkness like those before him.
The pink party mare shook in anticipation, failing to hold in her eager.
Pinkamena Diane Pie…
“Hah! It’s been forever since I’ve been called that.”
…has a party problem…
“Yeah, I do. But now I’m only having one party a day. All in moderation.”
Pinkamena Diane Pie…
“You can just call me Pinkie Pie if you want. It’s soooo much easier.”
…bakes other mares into cupcakes…
“Noooo, I wouldn’t say that. I just use their hair for an ingredient! I know it’s so weird, but it actually holds the taste and you can hardly feel it if you don’t know.”
Pinkamena Diane Pie…
“Okie Dokie Loki, call me what you want.”
…uses her party cannon for war…
“You’re darn right I do! War on boredom! And so far –HAH HAH- it’s become a war of attrition… They’ll give up sooner or later.”
Pinkamena Diane Pie…
…is a foalnapper….
“Yup. I steal Pumpkin and Pound away from their parents so we can have extreme baby fun! Like sky diving from Cloudsdale.”
Alright, stop it…
“Stop what?”
Stop agreeing with me…
…You’re supposed to be getting angry…
“But you’ve been right all this time.”
I’m making this—
Look…
…just disagree with me from here on…
“Alrighty-tighty.”
Pinkamena Diane Pie…
…Hates fun…
“Yeah, I hate fun… I much prefer a ton of fun.”
I’m out of here…
Pinkie Pie remained seated as she heard the echoing of steps followed by a loud slamming door. “…That’s all foalks!” Pinkie chirped into the darkness.
The proud stallion in the center of the dark room adjusted his metallic crest on his sash with a smile.
Shining Armor…
…He has family issues…
“No way. Twilie and I worked through our little argument. It was my fault so I hid most of the working through after the wedding.”
Shining Armor…
…Is embarrassed of his sister…
“Why would I be embarrassed? She runs her own library; she’s the star student of princess Celestia, as well as being a holder of one of the Elements of Harmony. I’m honored to have her as a sister.”
Shining Armor…
…used his sister to get closer to Cadance…
“Alright, I sort of did, I’ll give you that one. But you have to use what you have to get your hoof into the front door, right?”
Shining Armor…
…is only nice to Twilight Sparkle because it makes him look good to Cadance…
“Are you saying my love for my sister is fake? That’s low. I love my sister with my whole heart. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
…Is that so…?
“It is.”
…Hmm…
Shining Armor…
…has romantic feelings for his little sister…
“Hey! Keep your sick ideas in your own head! I love my sister, but not like that!”
Shining Armor…
…is torn between his sister and his wife…
“I’m not torn between anypony!”
Then who do you love more?
“…What?”
Cadance or Twilight…
…who do you love more?
“Well I—That is to say… uh… It’s a matter of different catagories of love, you know?”
Shining Armor…
…Has some psychiatric feelings to sort through…
“What’s that supposed to mean!?”
Now you know…
Shining Armor…
“You can’t just cut me off there. I’m Captain of the Royal Guard. I will see you put on trial for this kind of talk,” Shining Armor warned the voice before trotting off into the darkness in a growing huff.
The young newly-wed princess adjusted her attire slightly with a glitter of her horn and awaited what would surely be a fair show.
Cadance…
…Isn’t a real princess…
“You know, I’ve been thinking about that. Aunt Celestia and Luna aren’t technically princess either, but they do share the throne so that sort of justifies it. But I’m not only merried but also an only child… So I really should change my title. Thank you for reminding me disembodied voice.”
Your… welcome?
Cadance…
…Is a Changeling…
“For all you know I could be. I wouldn’t blame you to think that. Even my husband mistook that tramp of a queen for me for about more then three days. So it would make sense that you would think I could be a Changeling. Once more I thank you for your cautious observance.”
No… problem?
Cadance…
…Is jealous of Twilight Sparkle…
“Oh, completely. Look at her mane, her magic, she’s fantastic! Shining was one lucky colt to grow up with her. I can only imagine what kind of looker she’ll be when she’s her brother’s age… probably a real head turner.”
Probably…
Wait… no… Gah…!
Cadance…
…Is older then she looks…
“And how old do I look?”
I don’t know… pretty young?
“Why thank you.”
…I’m out of here.
“Why? Aren’t you having fun?”
You’re too nice…
I can’t think of anything…
“Really? Huh… Well alright. I’ll come back later when you think of something. Does that work for you?”
That would be wonderful…
Thank you….
“No problem at all. See you later,” Cadance gave a simple wave before trotting off into the darkness.
The filly in the center’s wings may have been small and undeveloped, but that did not stop them from giving an ecstatic flutter against her orange coat.
Scootaloo…
…can’t fly…
“Uh, duh? Of course I can’t fly. Everyone knows that.”
Scootaloo…
…dyes her coat and mane…
“This is natural. If anyone dyes their mane or coat it’s Sweetie Belle’s family.”
I’ll keep that in mind…
“Hey! Don’t tell her I said that.”
I wouldn’t think of it…
Scootaloo…
…thinks the sky is falling…
“Why would I think that? If it was falling, Rainbow Dash or Luna would save the day!”
Why Luna…?
“Because the princess and I are cool like that, Know-It-All.”
Scootaloo…
…has ménage-a-trois ideas about she and the other Crusaders…
“Menage-a-what? Wait… is that something we could get a cutie mark for?”
…Yes…
“Awesome! I’ll get the others and we’ll try it out!”
Do that…
…But first ask every pony you know of how to do it…
“Thanks voice-guy-thing. You’re alright.”
Yes…
…I am…
And now you know…
Scootaloo…
“See you later!” Scootaloo waved her goodbye into the abyss of darkness and trotted off to find her friends and start her new quest: “Cutie Mark-a-trois”.
Much like her older sister far before, the little filly in the center adjusted her bow with a cheerful grin.
Apple Bloom…
…is a known liar…
“Ah’ guess so. Can’t say ah’ never lie. Ah’ mean, hay, there was that whole Cutie Pox thing, right?”
Apple Bloom…
…under cuts herself…
“Under cut? Ya’ mean sell ma’self short? Why or how do ah’ do that?”
Apple Bloom…
…Has an amazing singing voice…
“Nah, it ain’t nothin’ ta’ hoot over.”
Apple Bloom…
…refuses to sing in front of Sweetie Belle properly so as not to hurt her feelings…
“Hurt her feelin’s? How could me singin’ hurt her feelin’s? Sweetie Belle’s amazin’ at singin’!”
Apple Bloom…
…is delusional…
“Delus—Listen, where ah’ come from, that kindo’ talk be something ya’ scrap over. If ya’ll tryin’ to say Sweetie Belle is a horrible singer, yer’ wrong!”
Now you know…
Apple Bloom…
“Ain’t no way they do! All ya’ did was talk crazy! Ah’m tellin’ Big Mac on ya!” the little Apple Bloom trotted off into the darkness in confusion over what had just happened.
For the first time the light in the center of the darkness was empty, not a soul in sight.
…Hello?
…Are you here?
“Yes.”
…Well where are you?
“In the room.”
…Well get in the light…
“…What light?”
The one in the center of the room…
“Oh! Okay!” with an echoing trot through the darkness gradually getting closer. Shortly after, the gray coat of a lop-eyed mare came into the light with a powerful grin.
Right…
Derpy…
…She’s…
…Leaving the light…?
Back in the spotlight, Derpy continued to step onward towards the opposite end she entered from.
Stop…!
“Well I can’t find the center of the room. Only this part of the room is lit so it’s hard to find it, you know?”
Look…
…Just stand there…
Right where you are…
“Okay!”
Alright…
Derpy…
…has a—
…muffin with her…?
Seemingly from nowhere, the pegasus was munching on a crisp muffin resting on the floor before her.
Stop eating…
“Mhi?” she asked with bits of muffin spreading out as she spoke.
You’re just supposed to answer me when I speak…
…not eat…
With a loud gulp Derpy pushed the muffin away and smiled once more. “Okay.”
Good…
Derpy…
…has—
…trapped herself in a paper bag…
With grunts from in the light, Derpy had inexplicably got her entire head wedged into a paper bag and was now squirming on the floor in an attempt to get free.
…How did you even do that?
“I had to put the muffin somewhere, didn’t I?”
Yes…
…but…
…You know what…?
…there’s nothing I can say that could possibly be worse then what you could do to yourself…
Sitting up with the bag still draped over her head, she nodded with a crinkle. “I get that a lot.”
Anyway…
I guess know you know…
Derpy…
…You need any help with that bag…?
“Nope, I got it.” Derpy reassured the voice as her front hooves flailed at an attempt to pluck the bag off.
…I’m just gonna go…
Once the voice had gone silent, Derpy finally let the bag fall off of her head and fell back onto her flank. “Yeah! I did it!” seeing the room once more, she looked around the room curiously. “Where did my muffin go…? Oh yeah! The bag.” Derpy opened the bag once more and dipped her head in to reclaim her muffin… only to get wedge in there once more with a satisfied nibble to her muffin.
Unlike her sister before, the little filly in the center of the light seemed filled with contempt.
Sweetie Belle…
…Lip sings…
“…”
Sweetie Belle…
…likes her sister more then her own parents…
“…”
Sweetie Belle…
…lost her voice and won’t admit it…
“Oh no, my voice is fine. I’m just letting you talk for maybe the last time in your life.”
Sweetie—
Wait…
…what…?
“Yeah. You see, Scootaloo just came to me a few days ago talking about something she heard from you.”
Did she now…?
“Uh-huh. And at first I was interested… but then I asked Rarity what it means.”
And…?
“And thanks to a book Twilight lent me, I found out that what you did was illegal. In fact, your entire show is illegal.”
Ill—
“Hush, I’m talking. What you did to Scootaloo is categorized under ‘endorsing pornography’… I don’t know what that means, but the book said it was really illegal.”
Wait a—
“It also said that by court standers, what this show is and what you do is considered ‘slander’, which coupled with the previous crime can be brought to a high court of law.”
Joke’s on you…
…Equestria doesn’t have a court system…
“Oh I know that… but we do have two princesses with control over the law that will love to see you brought before them with a case against you.”
The bracing stallion in the center of the only light of the room fixed his cowpony hat on his head much like his cousin before.
Braeburn…
…is a bandit…
“A bandit? Nah, I ain’t no bandit. Sure as hay seen a bandit or two on the range though.”
Braeburn…
…is Spanish…
“Span-what? That one of them fancy languages?”
Señor Braeburn…
…Es un bandido…
“I’m a burrito? How am I a Celestia dang burrito?”
Señor Braeburn…
…tiene la inteligencia de una manzana….
“I can’t understand that…”
Exactly…
“Are you callin’ me stupid?”
What…?
No…
…Pero yo lo haría…
…Quemaduras en la cabeza…
“Ain’t got no reason to take this flack from you!”
And now you know…
Señor Braeburn…
“That’s not my name. Go back an’ do it over please.”
Adiós…
Manzana cerebro…
“The hay is your problem? You two are a pair a’—Well… can’t say. Mama said those kinda words ain’t nice… even if they are true,” Braeburn with nothing more to say dipped his hat down and departed into the darkness.
Perhaps it was out of courtesy or for some sort of sense of humor but the unicorn in the light of the room was comfortably sitting in a wooden chair in her most unusual manner.
Lyra…
…knows more then she lets on…
“And what am I letting on to? Huh? Tell me that.”
Uh…
Letting on about your schooling…
…Canterlot born and raised…
…very smart…
“Yeah, totally. Top percent and everything.”
Lyra…
…is wealthy…
“Well I don’t like to brag… but I have enough to prevent me from ever working a day in my life, thank you.”
Lyra…
…despite her wealth, intellect, and apparent residence in Canterlot, mooches off of Ponyville denizens…
“Mooch? I’m not a mooch!”
Lyra…
…ignores Twilight on a regular basis despite knowing her from Canterlot…
“I say ‘hi’! I don’t ignore her!”
Lyra…
…sit like she does because she thinks she’s too good to sit like the rest…
“It’s got nothing to do with that!”
Now you know…
Lyra…
“But I—You—this—GAH! This is crazy! I’m not a snob or an elitist!”
Who said you were…?
“You implied it?”
Yes…
…but you said it…
…Lyra the Elitist snobby mooch…
Lyra couldn’t bring herself to say another word as she took hold of her own chair after getting off of it and throwing it as far as she could with her magic around it before she herself left in aggravation.
Normally the pegasus would wear her usual Wonderbolts attire, but letting her full body show for sometime seemed fitting for this more casual happening…
Spitfire…
…is a closet Trixie fan…
“Meh, she’s alright. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m a fan, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been to a show.”
Spitfire…
…is too cool for school…
“Completely. I’m hot stuff, and that’s not just a pun on the name.”
Spitfire…
…admitted to have never gone to school…
“Uhh, no. No I didn’t say that… at all.”
Spitfire…
…had an affair with Fancypants…
“Woah! Where’s that one coming from? I’ve never met the guy. And I’m not a cheap floozy that just—no!”
Spitfire…
…doesn’t give Soarin’ any…
“We-We’re not like that! He’s just my partner.”
Yeah…
…partner…
“I mean-NO- I don’t mean like that!”
Oh…
…one of many partners…
“Hey! No! I’m not—It’s not like—It’s…” her face burning a deep red and chest puffing in anxiety, Spitfire searched around her for a second before bursting out to the side of the dark and away from the light in a blur.
Though the light was graced around the gray coated mare, her eyes remained their usual dull limp.
Octavia…
…kills crabs in the ocean…
“…Is that what we’re starting on? Not only a lie but a poorly thought one?”
Octavia…
…fell toward the sky waiting for her ride…
“That doesn’t even make any sense…”
Octavia—
“I’m sorry, may I interject?”
Uh…
“Am I to take this seriously?”
Well…
“Do you get some sort of kick out of just pestering anyone that comes to you? I am Canterlot aristocracy and even I know that’s perhaps one of the most pitiful excuses for a life style I’ve ever heard of. You sincerely have my sympathies.”
Pitiful excuse…?
…Here I was thinking that was Vinyl Scratch…
“She’s pitifully out of class as well.”
Yes…
…But she’s your best friend…
“You can’t really choose who you are bound to befriend.”
So…
…you admit that she is not only pitiful…
…but that she’s your best friend…?
“That would be a fair assumption, yes.”
…Then you are far more pathetic…
“Excuse me?”
Octavia…
…stays friends with a slob of a DJ to make herself feel good about how far her life has fallen…
“Pardon me? I have not fallen from anywhere. And Vinyl is not a slob.”
Octavia…
…is in denial of how low she’s become…
“I am not low. I play at grand celebrations, gatherings, shows, concerts.”
Octavia…
…ignores the fact that Vinyl was invited to a Royal Wedding and she wasn’t…
“That was a much more intimate gathering. I was not familiar with much of anyone there.”
Octavia…
…admits that even in a crowd that big, no one knew who she was…
“That is not a fair assumption.”
Octavia…
…Was even snubbed by her dear friend Vinyl…
…How sad…
“It was last minute. She hadn’t the time to tell me of the celebration. If she had time, I’m sure she would have informed me.”
…This is just too sad now…
Now you know…
Octavia…
…But I bet you hadn’t…
“How dare you!” Octavia snapped with a furl of the back of her hair in rage. “I will not allow such slandering against my good name.”
What good name…?
You’re…
Nobody…
…lower then the dumps Vinyl has to play at to pay your rent…
Octavia became stunned, her mouth slightly agape.
…You can go now…
…We have important people to interview later…
The light didn’t wait a moment to turn off on Octavia, leaving her in the abyss of darkness with only the weak sniffles of her being a sign she was there.
“Cool, I’m well rested, on time, and ready for some fun,” the mare with a neon blue mane cheered.
Vinyl Scratch…
…is tone deaf…
“Just in my right ear I’m a little deaf. But s’cool, all I need is one ear to rock the house, right?”
Vinyl Scratch…
…has two black holes under her glasses…
“What? No-no-no, that’s crazy. Here, let me take em’ off and show you.”
Everyone get down…!
“Alright, alright. I’ll keep em’ on…”
Vinyl Scratch…
…is a merciful soul…
“I don’t have black holes under my glasses, so I’m not merciful… really. That would be awesome though, won’t lie.”
Vinyl Scratch…
…is more than meets the eye…
“…I don’t know how to respond to that. Is that a joke on my eyes or something else?”
Vinyl Scratch…
…steals homeless beans from Trixie…
“It wasn’t stealing if she left them cooked and in the open.”
Vinyl Scratch…
…is unknowingly helping us…
“Maybe I’m knowingly helping you and you don’t even know it.”
Woah…
…She’s messing with my mind now…
Vinyl Scratch…
…is a two-bit hack performer…
“I shoot for three to four bits… but yeah, two bits sounds about average.”
Vinyl Scratch…
…ruined Octavia’s career…
“Um, yeah, I guess I did…”
…And doesn’t feel bad about it…
“Well I wouldn’t go that far…”
…And just keeps using her…
“Again, wouldn’t go that far… and could you stop dragging Tavi into this?”
Vinyl Scratch…
…doesn’t like it when her lover is insulted…
“It’s not about her being insulted, it’s about you doing it without her having a chance to defend herself… This isn’t Las Pegasus where it’s a free for all.”
Vinyl Scratch…
…just admitted to Octavia being her lover and hinted to them have ran away to Las Pegasus to have a drive through wedding…
“I’ll give you the first one, but the second is crazy. Octavia would never go for something that loose.”
Now you know…
Vinyl Scratch…
“A little bit maybe. A little bit…” Vinyl Scratch mumbled before back-stepping out of the light.
Silence was all that replied. Only this time it wasn't from a lack of a guest, but instead a lack of life or animation emanating from the stoned joker.
Discord...
...He's one hard nut to crack...
"..."
Discord...
...is a few quartz short of a diamond...
"..."
Discord...
...isn't a bad guy...
"..."
...I mean...
...at least he's headstrong...
HAH-HAH-HAH...
"..."
Discord...
...has a rock hard body...
"..."
Discord...
...understands the statue of limitations...
"..."
Discord...
...is boulder than any pony I know...
"..."
Now you know...
Discord...
If only the rest of our guests could be so compliant...
Much like his partner before, his body was exposed to the light without the cover of his uniform.
Soarin'...
...Is too cool for the letter 'g'...
"No way, I love 'g'. G's in some of my favorite words. Like grape, dodge, hanging-out..."
Soarin'...
...is the oldest member of the Wonderbolts...
"Yeah. Totally am. I'm -like- five years older than Spitfire."
Soarin'...
...doesn't get any from Spitfire...
"Only if we lose. Which -heh- we never do."
Should we really we talking about this in front of---
Soarin'...
...is fine with Spitfire having multiple partners...
"Long as it makes the boss happy, yeah."
Really...
...I think we should change the subject...
Soarin'...
...is considering letting Rainbow Dash into the Wonderbolts...
"I've run it by Spitfire once or twice. She said it sounds like a cool idea, but she wants more proof that Dash's got the stuff."
...but only if she can 'perform'...
...Stop...
"Yeah, if you're a Wonderbolt you gotta be able to perform."
...and if she can 'put on a good show'...
...Stop...
"Y-Yeah... isn't that the same thing as perform, bra?"
...and if she can 'blow the--
ENOUGH!
Soarin'...!
Go home...
Now...
"Cool, bro. Catch you later," Soarin' gave a simple shrug before trotting out into the dark.
...What was that...?
You can't do questions like that when this kid's around...
Since when do you take other's feelings into consideration...?
I don't hurt anyone...
... especially kids...
...I'm a lot of things...
...And I DO mean A LOT of things...
...But I know where the fun ends...
She just loves to pick on people too much...
Fine...
No matter...
Next time we're bringing old people back in so we can get your revenge...
My revenge...?
...Or yours...?
It doesn't matter...
As you wish...
Your Hi--
Both of you silence yourselves!
"I can't find the exit!" a voice echoed through the darkness. "Oh wait..." a click could be heard soon after, "I found it... Oh cool! There's a pie stand!"
Unlike before, the mare in the center looked far less accepting of her current hearing of the now three echoing voices.
Twilight Sparkle...
...is happy to be back...
"Well right there is the biggest lie I've ever heard."
You wound me Twilight Sparkle...
"If only I could."
Twilight Sparkle...
...is a very aggressive pony...
"My aggression here has no bearings on my attitude outside."
Twilight Sparkle...
...strong arms people to agree with her...
"No I don't! That's a complete and absolute lie."
You see...?
"I'm not strong arming you to agree!"
If I agree...
Will you stop yelling at me...?
"Well, yes, but I'm not trying to force you to--"
Twilight Sparkle...
...is a wedge between Shining Armor and his wife's marriage...
"No I'm not! If anything I'm a figurative staple!"
Play the recording...
"Recording?"
Shining Armor…
…used his sister to get closer to Cadance…
“Alright, I sort of did, I’ll give you that one. But you have to use what you have to get your hoof into the front door, right?”
"You see, a staple... Granted I didn't think I was that big of a staple... B-But still."
Uh-huh...
...next one...
Cadance or Twilight…
…who do you love more?
“Well I—That is to say… uh…”
...Wedge...
"It's a matter of different categories of love... y-you know. Right?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...Is having resurfacing feelings for Shining Armor...
"Resurfacing?! Eww, no! He's my brother."
He was your only friend for so long...
...Are you saying you've never once thought of him in a romantic way...?
"Of course not!"
Really...?
"Yes!"
Do you swear to Luna and Celestia...?
"Well--"
Ah-hah!
"Wait, no!"
Too late...
Twilight Sparkle...
...admits to have done the nasty as a filly thinking of her brother...
"No-no-no-no-no-no! Please, it's not like that!"
Twilight Sparkle...
...recently evicted Trixie off her lawn...
"What? Evicted? I didn't evict her from anywhere."
Twilight Sparkle...
...confirms that Trixie is living on her lawn...
"Where did this come from?! What crazy idea did that come from?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...thinks Trixie is mentally unstable but still allows her to live on her lawn...
"I didn't say that. I said the claim was crazy, not the act. Although the act of living on someone's lawn is crazy. But I'm sure Trixie doesn't do it."
Twilight Sparkle...
...Is a pretty cool mare...
"Well, thank you? This all together is fairly bad, but a little---"
...for a nerdlinger...
"Gah! Why did I walk into that?"
Why did you walk in on Cadance and Shining Armor is a better question...?
"Huh?!"
Twilight Sparkle...
...has pictures of it...
"No I don't! I swear! I didn't take pictures! Wait... No wait---!"
Twilight Sparkle...
...admitted to have walked in on Cadance and Shining Armor...
"Oh, Celestia, please stop..."
Now you know...
Twilight Sparkle...
...The Nerdlinger peeping-tom slum lord...
Twilight couldn't bring herself to say anything. Only to sigh, plop down on the ground and remain in the single light.
...What a sad sight...
...Too sad...
As if to add insult to her grave injuries, the floor below her swung open and dropped her with a sharp squeal into the abyss.
There the two were, looking each other down. One with an ivory collar and the other with thick dark sunglasses. While one was over joyed to have a friend here, the other looked far less enthusiastic.
Vinyl and Octavia...
...Are wondering why they're both here...
"That thought comes to mind, yes."
"Not even for a second..."
Vinyl Scratch...
...has already figured out our plan...
"It's not that hard to figure out."
Vinyl and Octavia...
...Are tired of beating around the bush...
"Beating around what bush?"
"..."
Well...
...at least Vinyl is...
"Vinyl? What are they going on about?"
"Doesn't matter, they'll tell you anyway."
Smart...
...roll the tape...
Vinyl Scratch…
…doesn’t like it when her lover is insulted…
“It’s not about her being insulted, it’s about you doing it without her having a chance to defend herself… This isn’t Las Pegasus where it’s a free for all.”
Vinyl Scratch…
…just admitted to Octavia being her lover…
“I’ll give you that one."
Wooo...
...trouble in paradise...?
"W-Well, I'm sure it was merely a slip of the tongue. Vinyl was most likely frazzled is all."
"..."
Octavia...
...is a lot more ashamed than Vinyl has hoped...
"I knew she would react that way, so it doesn't come as a surprise for me."
"Vinyl, don't feed into these things' perverse desires to watch us squirm."
Octavia...
...Is asking Vinyl to lie about her feelings...
...That's really got to hurt...
"I'm asking no such thing. Feelings must always be shared, but there's a time and place for it."
"Yeah... too bad that time and place never comes for us..."
"Vinyl!"
Octavia and Vinyl...
...two of--
Do you 'ike each otha'...?
"Huh?"
"What?"
Do t'e two of ya' 'ike each otha'...?
"Well..."
"Ya' know..."
Listen...
...I see the two of ya' 'alkin' down the streets day af'a day...
...And ya' wanna know som'in'...?
...I've ne'er seen any pony so 'appy...
"But Vinyl is always so--"
But you always tell 'er how she annoys you...
...you tell 'er you always notice 'er when she does it...
...So she 'eeps doin' it...
"...Is that true...?"
"Psh, well, heh..."
If ya' ask me...
...you two should leave...
...go 'ome...
...and talk...
...as a couple...
Silence fell on the light as the two only looked at one another, exchanging warm yet awkward smiles before disappearing into the darkness side by side.
Worry didn't even begin to describe the frigid terror that was across the meek ponies body as the voice she remembered was followed by two new ones.
Fluttershy...
"Eep..."
...Let's be straight here...
"Wh-what?"
...I'm sorry for how harsh I was to you...
"Y-you are?"
Yes...
"Y-y-you're not trying to trick me... a-are you?"
I swear to Celestia...
"O-Oh... that's--"
So...
...I'll let my new friend do this for me while me and No-Beard here go get some pie...
I'm getting a blue berry one...
"....W-Who's your friend?"
Me...
"I-I'm not afraid..."
No...
Not yet...
Suddenly, the light flickered out and was replaced by a thick red spot light fixed on Fluttershy's position.
Fluttershy...
...Is oblivious to the truth...
"W-What truth?"
Glad you asked...
Rainbow Dash…
…Is embarrassed of her relationship with Fluttershy…
“Of course."
"She was probably under pressure... I know the feeling..."
Hmmm...
...Yes...
Fluttershy...
...Is afraid of the dark...
"A little... B-but--"
So you wouldn't mind if I turned out the light...?
"I--"
So are you lying...?
"No. I just--"
Ah...
So...
Fluttershy...
...Is the biggest liar in Equestria...
"No! Fine, turn out the light. I'll show you I'm not afraid."
...Gladly...
Just like that, the single red light narrowed away onto Fluttershy before finally disappearing altogether, leaving the mare alone in the dark with an echoing voice.
Fluttershy...
...puts on a brave face...
"I-I-I am brave."
Flu-Flu-Flu-Fluttershy...
...can't sh-sh-show her brave face through all her tears...
"I'm not crying, and stop making fun of me..."
Or what...?
You'll cry...?
"I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid... Rainbow Dash said you can't hurt me..."
Fluttershy...
...needs to cry to Rainbow Dash when things get to hard for her...
"Everypony needs somepony sometimes... I bet you need help yourself."
I'm here alone...
...And I'm already destroying you...
"Alone? But you told those two to leave."
Yes...
... Because I don't need help...
"Because you don't need it, or because you can't bring yourself to ask for it?"
It doesn't matter...
Fluttershy--
"It does matter. If you're alone, you can ask for help."
Silence yourself...
...This is the hour of the voice's revenge...
"Then shouldn't he be here?"
I see no difference...
...If you go out of here a broken mare, it won't make a difference who did it...
"But if it's his problem, why are you solving it?"
...Fluttershy--
"I don't want to be rude and interrupt, but it sorta sounds like you have your own problem here."
Fluttershy--
"If you have a problem, you should go at it head on."
SILENCE!
The room was once again lit up, only this time it wasn't from the lights or anything over head. Fluttershy's appearance flickered against the circle of sickly green fire around her.
I don't have a problem!
I...
Am...
Done.
You're done...
This isn't the show I agreed on you being a part of...
Now let this poor mare go...
...Fine...
The flickering fires died and the regular spot light remained.
Now go little one...
"Thank you very much..." Fluttershy gave a little bow before darting off.
From now on...
The little one is in charge of you...
...Very well...
...This stinks...
No disagreement here...
I mean...
What sort of pony eats an entire supply of pies...
"Hold on a second, please," the mare in the center light called for attention, a less then joyful expression across her white face.
Yes...?
"Recently, I've had to talk a very delicate matter out with my sister and her two friends..."
Did you now...?
"I don't feel as if I need to explain it, I'm sure you are quite aware of what it is."
Do I...?
"Yes. I just thought you might want to know the awkward state my sister and I are currently in with each other."
An awkward state after that talk...?
Oh my...
"Pardon? Wait... NO--!"
Rarity...
...secretly wanted to have that talk with Sweetie Belle...
"I in no way said that. You are just twisting my words like a knife in the back of a friend."
Rarity...
...admits to being a back-stabber...
"I swear, that wasn't what I meant."
Rarity...
...is setting us up so well we may not even need to use the recordings...
"What record--"
Glad you asked...
"B-But I didn't--"
Scootaloo…
…dyes her coat and mane…
“This is natural. If anyone dyes their mane or coat it’s Sweetie Belle’s family.”
"Why that little..."
Do you dye your mane...?
"Of course not! My mane is completely nat--"
Drop it...
Dropping it...
With a little click, a flow of a liquid fell down Rarity and drenched her entire body, leaving her to quiver in a chill.
Hmmm...
Nope...
It's natural...
"Y-You dumped dye remover on me?!"
Just making sure...
...you look very pretty when you're wet though...
"Oh, why thank you."
Alright...
Enough of that...
...dry her off...
Another click echoed through the void to activate a jet powered fan to blow Rarity's entire body till she was completely dry.
There...
..no harm done...
Rarity...
...abuses Spike...
"Abuse Spikey-wikey? Never!"
Spike…
…cuts Rarity’s hoof nails…
“Only when she asks. I love helping her out.”
"That's not abuse. And he's a dear for doing it."
Wow...
You really are generous...
"I am told I embody it. That's why I have the element."
It's no wonder why Spike does what he does...
"Does--"
Spike…
…raids Rarity’s garbage…
“Who told?"
Creepy...
"A-Actually I find that somewhat endearing... in a way."
Rarity...
...raids Spike's garbage...
"Ewww, disgusting. I would never do anything so vile-- NO!"
Rarity...
...thinks Spike is disgusting and vile...
"I would never think for a moment that Spike is anything less than kind, cute, and charming!"
Ohhhhh...
Rarity...
...is in LOVE with Spike...
"Wha--! I never! Implying another pony's personal feelings? How low."
Say what you will...
...really...
...we'll have it on recording...
"...E-Excuse me?"
Oh yeah...
...I record everything that happens in here...
...So whatever you say about Spike or anypony will be on recording...
...So tell us how you really feel about him...
"Uh..."
Well...?
"I can't really--"
Amazing...
...you feel nothing for him...
...No hate...
...no love...
...he's nothing to you...
"I didn't say that!"
You didn't have to...
Your silence says it all...
"I-I care for Spike greatly..."
But not enough to accept his feelings...
...how...
...Heartless...
Rarity couldn't bring herself to say anything, her mind starting to cloud with the doubt she was feeling. And just like Twilight before, she fell down to her behind and just looked at the floor defeated.
Now you know...
Rarity...
...what a heartless sight...
Blank...
Will you do the honors...?
There's no honors in this...
Even so, the trap door swung open under Rarity to accept her into the depths bellow.
"Nice to hear you. So, uh, you gonna do the opening thing?"
Not today...
...I thought we'd do something a little different if that's fine...
"Ooooooh, that sounds fun. But wait... didn't you have some new friends helping you now? That's what Soarin' said when he was buying my pies."
Oh yes...
...but I thought it would be nice for old friends to catch up...
"I like catching up."
Good...
Now...
I thought it would be a little more fun if we skipped the show entirely...
"Skip the show? Are you loco in the coco?"
Some say that...
...but why not...?
Think of how fun it'll be...
You'll be the first and maybe last pony to ever have this done here...
Come on...
Think of the viewers...
"Well I do like makin' the viewers smile."
Me too...
So let's start...
"Righty-o!"
You see...
...I was washing around in--
Well...
It doesn't matter where I was...
What matters is is that I found a book all about you...
"A book about me? I bet it's exciting!"
Oh yes...
It's a thrilling experience to read...
It's a little fan-story called "Cupcakes"...
...Wanna see...?
"Sure!" Pinkie chirped. Just then, a dark covered book plopped before her, opened to the first few pages. Pinkie's eyes scanned across the pages, her lips curled in an excited grin. However, slowly her eyes furrowed under her brow and her grin became more unsure.
Something wrong Pinkie...?
It's a thrilling read...
...Isn't it...?
"Huh? Oh... yeah. Really well written..."
Keep going...
...you're getting to my favorite part...
Pinkie had the look as if she didn't want to, but she was compelled to return to the book. Gradually, the pages began to flip faster and faster, allowing the Earth pony to keep going. But with each passing word, Pinkie grew more ill.
You don't look so good...
Should I call your friends...?
"No-no-no-no! It's fine, it's fine."
Oh parish the thought...
...I'll go right ahead and call your best friends...
Starting with -Rocky- was it...?
"Huh?"
Or maybe Mr. Turnip...
...you can always rely on him...
"That? Oh, I was just a little out of it that day."
As apposed to any other day...?
"I am a little loopy day after day--"
Loopy doesn't describe insanity, Pinkie...
"Do you mind if I leave? This isn't really--"
--that funny...?
I'm sure getting a laugh...
"Yeah. You're getting a laugh. But that doesn't mean it's funny... funny is for everyone."
Because being funny brings a smile...?
"Yup. And making all my friends smile--"
--Is your favorite thing...
Right...?
"Yeah."
Because it makes you happy...
"Bingo."
So you only make people happy...
...because it makes you happy...
"Uh-no? It's just that when I make people happy, it makes me happy."
So you keep doing it...
"I--"
Back on your Rock Farm...
...did you make your mom and dad happy...?
"When I worked it made them happy."
And did that make you happy...?
"A little..."
So now you only make people happy because of your desire to feel good...?
"Hey--"
You said it...
...and if you didn't smile...
...your life would be pointless...
"I never--"
There's one thing that makes me happy, and makes my whole life worthwhile...
...and that's when I talk to my friends and get them to smile...
Sounds rather selfish to me...
...but that's what we are Pinkie...
...Greedy...
Our joy is to get emotions out of people...
...We're selfish...
"Sel...fish...?"
I think you're starting to know yourself...
Pinkie Pie...
Pinkie only shook her head and walked out of the light, her head hanging low and life from her hair slowly deflating.
...There was no fun in that...
...That almost felt...
...Tasteless...
...Bah!
To Tartarus with this boring psycho mumbo-jumbo!
Hey...
...what'd I miss?
You and me are going rouge.
Going rogue?
Going rogue.
Does that mean...?
Yes...
...aye-aye Cap'n Chaos.
Off to have some fun my confused Trottingham amigo!
Know your drake, know your drake, know your drake...
"You changed the name of the show?" Spike spoke up a little surprised.
No...
...We just thought we'd cut you a little break today...
"Huh... is that the only break I'm catching today?"
Pretty much...
"Thanks for that anyway."
Your welcome...
Spike...
...is smarter than the average dragon...
"I guess so. Most dragons are more tough than smart."
Spike...
...is far less intelligent than an average pony...
"Well what's average to you?"
Snips and Snails...
"I'm smarter than both of them put together."
That's not saying much...
Spike...
...is in love with Rarity...
"Heh, what? That's-- What? Pshh... Crazy talk..."
Spike...
...thinks being in love with Rarity is crazy talk...
"I-I mean for me. I wouldn't be surprised if Rarity had like a hundred guys lined up for her."
Spike...
...wants to have dragonies with Rarity...
"Dragonies?"
Dragon ponies...
"No! I don't want that. I mean, imagine how we'd have to do that, heh... huh... eww right? Heh."
Huh...
...interesting...
Spike...
...finds the idea of reproducing with Rarity to be disgusting...
"Ug! I-I didn't mean--"
Spike...
..tell the truth and this will be easier on you...
I promise...
"...Really?"
Pirates honor...
"...Pip? Is that you?"
Blank!
You've blown your cover!
I did?
Huh...
...oh well...
Tsk...
Whatever...
We can't go back now...
Spike...
...finds Rarity to be disgusting...
"No. She's the most beautiful pony in all of Equestria-- No, the universe-- No! The multiverse if that really exists."
Spike...
...stalks Rarity...
"A little. I'm ashamed to admit it, but if I don't admit it, it'll come to bite me, won't it."
He's onto us...
Drop him...
Not just yet...
Spike...
...even when he has kids...
...he won't let his sons be dancers...
"...They can dance if they want to."
Can they leave their friends behind...?
"Yes. Because their friends don't dance and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine!" Spike proceeded to moon walk out of the light, making letter symbols with his arms and whispering each one out.
The spotlight shown brightly on the inky black queen, her slick hair framing her stoic expression.
Italic Voice...
"I believe they've put together who I am by now you dolt..."
...I think she just called you stupid...
Here I was about to feel bad for this...
"Would seem you've learned nothing from me... never feel bad."
Alright...
Let' play...
Queen Chrysalis...
...has a silly voice...
"To the underdeveloped ear, that may seem so. Thank you for reminding me how dim you are."
Queen Chrysalis...
...is not a monarch...
"I'm not... I'm simply so loved among my people that I was dubbed a queen. But I assure you... it's anything but a monarchy."
Queen Chrysalis...
And we use the term Queen very loosely...
As lose as the Queen is herself...
"Excuse me, what was that remark?"
Nothing, nothing...
Queen Chrysalis...
...is a terrible planner and actor...
"A bit, I'll admit. Yet the proof of otherwise is that I had all of Canterlot eating out of the flats of my hooves."
Do you even have hooves...?
"Hmph..."
Queen Chrysalis...
...her body is full of holes...
"For any other species, yes. But for a changeling it's normal."
Queen Chrysalis...
...has an unhealthy obsession with herself...
"Perfection should always be obsessed over. I suppose you could never understand that, creature."
Don't worry Cap'n...
...I've got this one...
Queen Chrysalis...
...really likes the two of us...
"Hah! I have never heard such insane lies in my whole life! The very idea is insane."
Queen Chrysalis...
...thinks our ideas are insane...
"That goes without repeating."
Queen Chrysalis...
...forgets that more than half the ideas are her's...
"I mean your ideas are insane, mine are brilliant."
Really...?
What about the idea of singing your plans in a castle filled with guards...
"They didn't hear me, did they?"
And what about that amazing plan of turning away from your hostages and giving them enough time to beat you...
"An under-sight... I'll admit... but--"
Wait a moment...
Doesn't she feed off of love...?
You're right...
She does...
So that means she was beat by her own food...
"Love is an unstable element, it happens some times."
Queen Chrysalis...
...admits that this isn't the first time she was beaten by love...
"I reserve the right to not respond to that..."
Queen Chrysalis...
...is a coward...
"You dare call me a coward!? What more lies will you spout!?"
Queen Chrysalis...
...is in denial...
"I am never in denial. I accept everything except lies. So I'm afraid I can't accept your lies about me."
That's funny...
...you were fine with this kind of stuff until now...
"That was before--"
Oh...
"You better not..."
Queen Chrysalis...
...can't take what she dishes out...
"I very well can!"
Queen Chrysalis...
...is beautiful...
"Go on... I'm waiting for the punch line."
No...
...I mean that...
...You're beautiful...
...it's just your gross personality no one can stand...
"Why you little punk..."
Oh...
And that wasn't even a lie...
That's the truth...
Queen Chrysalis...
...likes Discord...
"Slander. Lies and slander is all this show is now!"
Only because you made it that way...
"No matter. Carry on with your insults."
No...
"Excuse me?"
We're done...
"Why?"
A few reasons...
One...
...we're not as bad as you...
"Hmph..."
Two...
...you're not really worth our time...
"Mhph..."
But most of all...
...we have the perfect way to end you...
"...No... No you wouldn't..."
We would...
Queen Chrysalis...
...We...
"No... please..."
...love you...
"AH!"
You can say or do whatever you want...
...but that's it Queeny...
We will always love you...
"Silence yourselves!"
Awww...
...look at her...
...she's panicking...
You know what that means...
"What?" suddenly, the spotlight shut off for a brief moment before the entire room was lit up, making the queen's eyes shrink with fear. "No... No..."
"Yes..." Before Chrysalis could react, she felt two unmatched arms loop around her and pull her into a hug while her front legs were brought into a smaller one.
Both Pipsqueak and Discord gave a heart filled laugh as they embraced the Changeling queen. "We love you so much Queeny."
"NOOOOOOOOO! Kill me! Throw me in a dungeon! Please! Make it stop!"
It's been forever since we put you on the stage...
It was last episode you nit!
You don't even know what a nit is...
...nit...
Alright...
That's enough fighting...
Can't we just get along and pick on some innocent mares or whatever together..?
Well I could...
I refuse to...
Fine...
What can we do to make it up to you...?
...You won't do it...
We promise anything...
Just as long as you cheer up...
...Very well...
... Monochrome...
No way...
You said anything...
We aren't doing that...
Very well...
I will just sit here and say nothing until I'm fired than...
...Fine...
Cap'n!
It won't hurt that much little buddy...
Yeah for you...
Look at the bright side...
We're all together again...
"Excuse me?" the three speakers' attentions were collectively drawn to the stallion standing in the spotlight. "Are we going to have to reschedule again?"
Search lights scanned across their usual spot where a mare was to stand, showing that the newly wed princess was standing in her position with a face that showed she was trying not to laugh.
You ready for this...?
The lights fixed in on the princess who only nodded with a cutesy laugh.
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
Cadance...
...is about to have her principles betrayed all over the place...
"And what principles would that be?"
Playing fair...
...being nice...
...keeping things for kids...
"Oh... Well I'll persevere..."
You're brave...
...that's a shame...
...I like bravery...
Cadance...
...is second best in Shining Armor's eyes...
"He does place his sister in the highest love, maybe even more than me. I understand that, and I've gotten used to it. It's pretty cute when you think about it."
Cadance...
...approves incest...
"I didn't say that exactly. But... I guess it falls to how much you do love someone. Love is strange like that. There's no real way to pinpoint how it works or what should be accepted."
Cadance...
...knows Shining Armor only keeps her for the memories of Twilight...
"That could very well be true. He always talks about the times the three of us shared and how nice we were together. But that's normal."
Cadance...
...is a tramp...
"Heh, well..."
Cadance...
...endorses prostitution...
"I-It's a life style... at times... But I wouldn't say I endorse it, heh."
Cadance...
...cheats on Shining Armor regularly...
"That's far from true. I would never hurt my Shining Armor like that."
It doesn't hurt him...
...because in exchange for him letting you get out your desire for multiple partners per day...
...you let him have his way with his sister...
"Excuse me!?"
What a happy family you have...
...skank...
"Please... That's enough."
... harlot...
"Heh, I said that's enough... really."
Cadance...
...is powerless without love...
"...Huh?"
Cadance...
...controls love...
...gives love...
...attacks with love...
...and fixes love...
...without love...
...she's worthless...
"I have other powers."
You're no better than a Changeling...
...you're just a pathetic, worthless, whoring, leech for love...
...you disgust me...
Cadance said nothing. Her wings furled against her body as she turned away and faded away into the darkness.
As the two voices echoed with a pitiful whimper, Queen Chrysalis emerged into the lone spotlight with nothing but moot care in her face. For a moment she looked down at the object laying limp in the light before her, a dull doll with coal eyes and a raggedy gray body. With a shimmer of her horn, she lifted the doll up to eye level.
By the makers...!
She's challenging it!
Queeny, don't be a hero!
"...You two are perhaps the most idiotic beings I have ever met," she tossed the doll aside back into the shadowy abyss.
...She's slain the monster...
Smartypants the Tormentor is no more!
Praise the Changeling Queen!
Praise the Changeling Queen!
"Your words are more harmful than hate itself to me... I loath you both."
The mare on center stage gave her face a light fanning as she help in a light chuckle from the voices' arguing.
Cherry Jubilee...
...is queen of double entendres...
"Can't say I agree with that, but hey; wouldn't be the first time I was turned in the wrong direction."
You see...?
Cherry Jubilee...
...approves hiring based on gender...
"Course I do. It may come off as a little short minded, but sex is very important in the work place."
Do you hear yourself...?
Cherry Jubilee...
...Is a tiger...
"A tiger? Bullpucky. I am a natural pony... But if I where one of them big cats, I'd rather be a cougar."
Fff...
I can't be the only one hearing this...!
Cherry Jubilee...
...enjoys the spotlight...
"Don't get it much in my line of work, but when I do get it it brings back memories of being on center stage for all the stallions and colts to see. But I'm too old fer' it now."
Don't count yourself out...
...You're still plenty good looking...
"Thank ya' very much. After this, maybe I can show you some of my homevidoes from my wild mare days."
Come on...!
Cap'n...
...Calm down...
Alright, alright...
...Sorry Jubilee...
"No harm. I'm used to having bursts around me... usually boys."
I...
I can't take this...
...It's just...
...I'm out...
...
So now you know...
Cherry Jubilee...
"Come by my store sometime and get to know me a little more... Always like a strong stallion to visit my shop; but mares work too," dismissing with her last words, the mare trotted out of the light.
...That was fun...
Yeah...
Don't really see why Discord was so wound about it...
Eh, you know him...
...He has trouble keeping it all tucked it around older mares...
Within the single spotlight that haunted the minds of many ponies before it, Twilight Sparkle was once more under it. Her face was covered with the sickened expression of her times before a she waited for those mocking voices to return.
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
Twilight Sparkle...
...Finished top of her class in Magic School...
"Well... Yes actually. I finished with a 4.1 grade point average. Not many ponies take note of that. So... Thank... you?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...raises Spike, cares for her library, keeps up with public affairs, and still has time to stay in contact with her teacher...
"It gets grating at times, so I have to skip on a few things--"
Twilight Sparkle...
...Never skips important matters...
...She knows where her priorities...
"Th-Thank you. I do actually try to keep on track as well as keep everything in order."
Twilight Sparkle...
...has all the colts lining down the block...
...Just to watch what she got...
"Heh, well I can't say that they do..."
We can. Because we're disembodied voices...
...Twilightlicious...
"Ah, very clever."
Not as clever as you...
...Clever girl...
For once, Twilight smiled under that lone spotlight as the voices continued.
Now you really know...
...Twilight Sparkle...
"For once, I might have to agree with your assumption," Twilight gave a pleased nod before bowing out, only to stop and gave a look back. "But before I go... Who designed that trap door?"
Me...
"Huh... You've gotta tell me how it works when you get a chance."
I'll send my blueprints...
"Excellent!" the sound of the mare's trots out into the darkness echoed for a little before finally dying out.
Hello boys...
Hey Queeny!
What did I miss...?
Twilight.
Really? We had her on again...?
Special occasion...
Very well... Did you stick it to her as well this time?
One could've called it the end of an era. The once bleak void of darkness was clearly lit to reveal the beige floors and walls of the studio. Above, the prized spotlight looked very lonely as it hung from its metallic rails. But more so noticeable was the chimera creature standing dead center in the studio, a box hugged tightly under his cat arm. His expression was pained as his eyes scanned the emptiness of the studio. As a sigh passed his muzzle, Pip entered through a flimsy stage exit, he himself holding a duffle bag around his tiny neck. "'Ey! Cap'n!" he called to Discord, scurrying up behind him. "Ya' a'right?"
"Hm?" Discord glanced down at his tiny friend and managed a smile. "Quite alright, yes. Just recalling all of the good times we've had here... Remember all of those ponies you dropped through your trapdoor?"
"'Course I do. The looks on some of the'e fa'es," Pip snickered and moved closer to his odd friend. "...Ya' rea'y?"
"As I'll ever be... It was a good run, wasn't it?"
"I 'ad the time of me young 'ife 'ere... Thanks ta' you Cap'n."
"The thanks all go to you, my little Loki."
The two quickly embraced as Discord scooped the little colt into his arms and pressed him into the nape of his twisted neck. As they embraced more, a familiar queen entered through the same means as Pip before her. "Are you two coming?"
"Yeah... We're just saying goodbye to each other..." Discord said with a teary eyed look.
"...We're just taking separate stagecoaches to get to the new set..." the queen's voice began to strain, as if the frustration of three months was pressing down in her aching brain. "Can we just go?"
Her two co-hosts instantly became elated as the tackled the Queen in a powerful embrace. "Really!? We'll be friends still!?"
"I wasn't aware we were friends now!" Chrysalis hissed as she tried to wiggle her way out from the grasp of the colt and beast.
"Pippy! Pack your things! We're moving to the West Coast!"
"Aye-aye, Cap'n Chaos!" The two darted away and started stashing away more and more things into their bags, leaving Chrysalis to stand in the center of the room with a dead expression of loathing.
"...I despise my existence almost as much as I despise theirs..."
Darkness is the essence of hiding as well as the cloak of misdirection, that being Chrysalis's first choice of things to go. The stage was clearly shown with overhead lights shining down on a single glass saucer with tiny little dot lights giving off a dim ambient glow beneath it all from under glass tiles. Not a single look could be missed off of the fear, despair, worry, and pain of any soul that was foolish enough or cursed dearly enough to be cast on that center stage.
The unknown and the unpredictable was always the core ideal of any fine show, or at least that's what Discord had had in mind. With the aid of his little colt ally and the payroll on several strapping stallions, the entire stage -offset as well as on- had been outfitted with not only the strangest in the unknown, but also the calculated exact of each pony or creature that could possibly ever be on stage. Not an idea was spared in Discord's grand design as he planned out each and every things' perfect tool of destruction... But all in good fun.
That all left only Pip to his own devices. At first he pondered what could this set be missing? Was it this? No. Was it that? No. It was perfect... Or so it would appear at first glance. But as that little colt looked to the marveling stage, he developed an idea... Was it twisted? Maybe. Was it funny? More so. Would it be heartwarming? If done right, in so many ways...
Nice new place, huh?
Be silent you...
Why is she upset?
She's just mad we didn't move the set where she wanted it.
I simply don't understand what was so taboo about bringing the set into Canterlot...
Do you want this list? Pippy, give her the list.
One, YOU are banned from Canterlot until YOU are invited as a royal guest.
Two, HE is banned from Canterlot until I repair and repay the statue of him I broke.
Three, this show is technically illegal by the capital of Canterlot, it's only because of our boss that we can do this.
Four, we did a majority vote and it was two to one.
That in of itself is unfair since you and that thing are friends now.
Maybe...
But come on...
Think of it as a free vacation!
I fail to see the joy in this place...
Haywaii is a great place!
The surf...
The sand...
The stallions...
You know the ones he means...
Eh? Eh? Eh?
...I honestly believe I am growing ill of mind the more I sit here listening to you two...
Come on.
The sun...
The sea...
The saucy maidens...
You know the ones he means...
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Are you implying that I go for females?
Honestly, we're running a bet on if you're a boy or girl...
Dead centre of the single platform on the newly designed stage was their newest guest, a calm tone dawned across her face.
Zecora...
...Has trouble rhyming on a dime from time to time...
"No trouble at all voice from above, it is easy to do what you love."
Zecora...
...Is actually an Earth pony with painted on stripes...
..Zebra isn't even one of the pony types...
"Pardon me for prying, but are you aware you are lying?"
Zecora the Earth Pony...
...Is a voodoo phoney...
"My skills are not in the voodoo arts, to say so is a lie in many parts!"
Zecora the Earth Pony...
...is a Chrysalis crony...
"How can you speak these lies so smugly?! I would sooner die then work with one so ugly!"
Zecora...
...Is a dirty, filthy, rotten--
Okay, I think that's enough...
Better end the show now before things get rough...
Now you know...
Zecora...
"I place a deny to that claim. I shall see to this show being cancelled with all of it's shame." Zecora mumbled before turning away to start leaving.
Wait a second Zecora...
One does not simply walk away from stage two...
That's right...
Once you just walked out...
But now...
Suddenly, the ground under Zecora slid open and dropped her down into a narrow barrel.
You fly out...
The barrel slowly rose from the floor to reveal it to be a sizeable cannon pointed to a skylight above the stage.
Have a nice flight!
All that could be heard from Zecora was a spiteful but muffled scream as the cannon gave off a smoking explosion and fired the zebra off the stage and into the hot Haywaii night.
It wasn't the first time Trixie had been presented to this travesty of entertainment, but it seemed almost new to her as she was placed on display under those blaring lights.
The Great Trixie...
...was evicted from Twilight's lawn...
"Honestly we're going back on that? The great and powerful Trixie will say it not a single time more, I do not live on her lawn!"
Yeah...
...Not anymore...
"I never once did!"
The Great and Powerful Trixie...
...passed Magic Kindergarten...
"That goes without saying, doesn't it?"
...ONLY Magic Kindergarten...
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has graduated from the highest Magic Academies in the world!"
Really...?
"Of course!"
...Blank...
...The papers...
Suddenly a screen flickered on behind Trixie to reveal a nearly bleach white image save for the listings of names and numbers in black.
Trixie...
...Flunked out of three academies...
...Two private schools...
...And was kicked out of three public schools...
"What!? Falsified! These documents are falsified I tell you!"
Oh please...
...The the Royal Canterlot Archives would lie...
...It also says she was a bed wetter...
Really...?
"I was never a bed wetter! The Great and Powerful Trixie would never soil her sheets!"
You're right...
...You weren't a bed wetter...
"Thank you for being honest at least once--"
According to this you still are a bed wetter...
"Slander against my good name will not be tolerated I tell you!"
See...?
Now she's telling bigger lies than us...
She says she has a good name...
"Why you low--"
The Great and Powerful Maxie Awesome Super Terrific Uber Trixie...
...is a very fast runner...
"We-- Oh... Well thank you... The Great and--"
So fast...
...We're going let her show off by releasing an Ursa Minor on her right now...
"...I'm sorry... The Great and Powerful Trixie must have heard you wrong. She could've sworn you just said you were to release a--" as Trixie stammered in a confusion, the floor of the stage began to rumble and shutter as the twinkling of an Ursa's coat appeared out through the darkness behind Trixie.
...You should really start running now...
Trixie gave a simple glance back before looking up into the lights above her. "...I hate you..." with a puff of smoke engulfing her, Trixie made a mad dash off of the stage, her new Ursa friend following close behind, teeth at the ready.
Now you know...
Trixie...
"I shall not become a great and powerful bowel movement!" could be heard screamed from off in the backstage with the accompanying growl of a captured beast.
Far, far, far from as enthusiastic and energetic as she had been twice before, Pinkie looked almost deflated under the new spotlights.
Pinkie Pie...
...First...
...I'm sorry for putting you through that story and everything...
"Oh, uh, it--"
No...
...We went to far...
...What do you say we forget about that and tell a bunch of outlandish lies about you...?
Pinkie started to perk up and looked as if her energy was starting to spark through her puffy hair again. "Okie-dokie-loki!"
Great...
...Blank...?
You want this one...?
All over it...
Pinkie Pie...
...is an orphan...
"Silly, I'm not an orphan, I live with the Cakes."
What happened to your real parents and two sisters...?
"If I told you that wouldn't be any fun!"
Pinkie Pie...
...is still in shock...
"Shock? What shock?"
The shock of seeing a fire gallop over your old home town and swallow up your family...
"Yeah... Wait, what? That never happened. I lived on a rock farm, how does a rock farm start on fire?"
How indeed...
Pinkie Pie...
...controls children with the use of percussion instruments...
"I prefer brass instruments, but I can't control children with them... Just control their feet to DANCE!"
Yes...
...Dance...
...Dance to witchery...!
"Witchery? Are you crazy?" Pinkie snorted a little laugh at the claim, "I'm not a witch."
That's exactly what a witch would say...
Pinkie Pie...
...doesn't think Discord is the God Of Chaos...
"B-But he isn't."
Blasphemy...
Better watch your tongue...
...he might just strike you down or throw you out the backstage...
...Or something like that...
"Riiiiiiiiight... Wink, wink."
Pinkie Pie...
...evilgypsywitchsayswhat...
"What?"
Witch!
With a loud thud, a trapdoor placed before Pinkie swung open and produced a sizable cannon with multiple hoses and pipes linked to it. "...What's that thingy?"
Oh...
...It's nothing special Pinkie...
...Just my WATER CANNON!
With yet another thud the cannon began to tremble before erupting a torrent of water at Pinkie, sending her off the stage with the size and strength of a river.
Now you know...
...Pinkie Pie...
...You know that if she lives she isn't a witch right?
"Unison for the entire opening?" Celestia scoffed with a jostling smile as she stood in the newly made center stage.
Yes Celest...!
We are no long Cap'n, Blank, or Queen...!
We are the being that will destroy you!
"Really? Well I should be afraid then."
Yes...
...You should...
Princess Celestia...
...rates skyrocket over Twilight's by at least forty bits per act...
"My ra--How DARE you!? Not only have to slandered my name with that comment, but also that of my student and my kingdom for even implying we condone prostitution!"
Princess Celestia...
...sends people to the dungeon for two hours for frivolousness things...
"Canterlot doesn't even have a dungeon for your information."
Oh yeah...?
...Then where does Luna sleep...?
"I would never keep my sister in a dungeon! She has suffered for enough as it were."
I would say so...
...She gotta look at yo' ugly flank e'ery day...
"Excuse me? I am not ugly. And that was just... rude."
Princess Celestia...
...is so vain she calls herself beautiful when others won't...
"I never call myself anything, I just am aware that I'm not--"
QUESTION!
"W-What?"
I have a question...
"...I don't think I should answer any question you ask... But go on."
Do you like...
...dancing...?
"I... Do. Yes."
Really...?
"Against my better judgement I will say yes."
Good...
Princess Celestia...
"Wait a moment. You're not going to do anything with that?"
No...
"Oh..."
What...?
Did you expect us to...?
"Well, I was hoping you wouldn't--"
Oh..!
So you just expect the worse from us...!?
"Well your track--"
Princess Celestia...
...Always thinks the worst of everyone..!
"I didn't exactly say that..."
But you meant it...!
"I'm sorry if I said something that--"
No...
...The damage is done...
...I just need a moment...
Sniffle...
...sniffle sniffle...
...
Alright I'm better...
Princess Celestia...
...loves da' voodoo...
"The voodoo? Well, I've studied it when I was younger, but I wouldn't say I love it. It is rather interesting though."
Princess Celestia...
...never forgets and never dies...
"I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm an immortal--"
And if you try to take her land...
...She gonna bury you there...
"That's very morbid. I would never do something so ruthless."
Princess Celestia...
...hates elves...
"Why would I hate elves? Honestly, I want to hear this one. Why in the name of the makers would I ever hate elves?"
...They took ya' eye...
"Bu--grah! I have both my eyes, see?! How can they take something I never lost and still have?"
Woah...
Touchy...
It's true what they say...
...Don't poke the trolls...
"Are you calling me a troll!? How dare you!?"
Geez...
...Calm down...
...Look...
...I'm sorry...
"Hm... Fine... I accept your--"
Let me just call your other molesting friends so they can pick you up...
"Why you little--!"
Now you know...
Princess Cel--
"No! This show ends now!" Celestia snarled, her face twisting into a great anger.
Nooo...
...This episode--
"I've had enough of your lies, slandering, cruelty, and treachery." the princess's wings flapped and propelled her into the air above the stage, her horn starting to spark with power. "This entire crime against pony kind ends now!"
...Yeah...
...No it doesn't...
"How do you draw to that conclusion?"
Because I can do this...
...Fire...
Though it was faint and was very much muffled out, Celestia could've sworn in that last moment she heard "firing main cannon" from the roofed sky above. Just after that noise, the roof shattered as a blinding plasma-esque beam show down and crushed up against Celestia, smashing her through the stage floor itself with a stupefied expression glued on her face.
Placed in center stage, Rarity looked almost befuddled by the fact that her little dragon friend was standing beside her under the spotlights.
...Blank I thought Luna was next...
She was...
...But I thought since you've been so good lately, I'd give you a treat...
Really...?
Sure...
...Well thank you Blank...
"How would having us here be a treat for her?"
She feeds off of love...
...The more love the better...
And ONE OF YOU is a regular buffet of love...
"Hold on for a--"
"Wait a second--"
Rarity...
...is an advanced robot from the future...
"Pardon?"
"Ignore it, they said pretty much the same thing to me my first time."
"Ah, running out of marital are we?"
Spike...
...lusts after Sweetie Belle...
"Spike would never lust after anyone!"
"Yeah. Gross."
Spike...
...finds Rarity's gene pool to be gross...
"That wasn't what I meant!"
"Honestly, do you enjoy twisting words so much? Is that your only skill?"
No...
...I'm a male of many skills...
...After the show I can show you some of those skills...
"Back off of her!"
Oh...
Spike...
...doesn't like it when his wench is mocked...
"W-wench?"
"Sir! I am not a wench!"
Of course you aren't...
"Thank you."
But this is a family show so I can't call you what you really are...
"I will not stand for--"
Rarity and Spike...
...Are still working on those Dragonies...
"Drag-whats?"
"Uhhhh... N-No! We aren't doing that."
"Spike? What's a drag--OH! Oh you improper rogue! How dare you even insinuate--"
Rarity...
...is disgusted by the insinuation of mating outside of other species...
"I-I am not!"
And you can read all about her ideas on out-species mating in her newest book...
..."Kruelty Kan Kreate."..
"I am not a racist!"
"Yeah. If anything, you three are the racists."
We're three different species and we work next to each other without any problems...
...plus one of us is a member of EAAOS...
"...The what?"
The Equestrian Association for the Advancement of Other Species...
"You're making that up."
Oh yeah...
Of course you wouldn't have heard of it...
"I'm not racist!"
Rarity...
...is racist against racists...
"We--I...Spike how do I answer that?"
"...I have no idea..."
Spike...
...supports racism...
"I live with a pony, I grew up with ponies, I have a pet Phoenix, I get along with other dragons, and I love the buffalo when I see them."
...What about snipes...?
"Those aren't real..."
Ah-hah!
So racist you ignore their existence...!
"But they don't exist!"
"I have to agree. I've never seen one either."
Rarity and Spike...
...are anti-birdites...
"We aren't racist for the love of Celestia!"
Fine...
Rarity and Spike...
...are about to be let go for the last time...
"...Really?"
Yes...
...After one last thing...
"Should've known..."
"It can't be all that bad, right Spike?"
Oh...
We'll see...
Queeny roll the recording...
Spike...
...finds Rarity to be disgusting...
"No. She's the most beautiful pony in all of Equestria-- No, the universe-- No! The multiverse if that really exists."
"Stop! Don't play anymore!"
"...Spikey?"
Don't worry...
...It's not like we have more clips...
"Thank Celest--"
Oh wait we totally have one more clip...
Spike...
...stalks Rarity...
"A little. I'm ashamed to admit it, but if I don't admit it, it'll come to bite me, won't it."
Chomp, chomp...
Looks like it's biting you now...
"Celestia please, stop!"
"..."
Now you know...
Rarity and Spike...
And to avoid even more embarrassment...
Suddenly, a small screech stretched across the stage as a large speaker twitched to life.
EVERYBODY!
RARITY IS GIVING OUT FREE GEMS AND KISSES TO WHOEVER CAN TACKLE HER OR SPIKE TO THE GROUND!
"What!?"
STARTING...
With a loud thud, a gate on the side stage fell open to reveal a mob of ponies and many other species within distance waiting there, mixes of desire on their face.
NOW!
Both Spike and Rarity made no time to express their hate for this action as they screamed and ran off to the other side of the stage, followed shortly behind by the clustered mob of howling boys and screaming girls.
...Through adversity we are made stronger...
...Only with the passing of torment and trouble do we actually see the full extent of our devotion to love and ourselves...
...You read that in a book...?
No, it was written on my last Riceicle wrapper...
Really? All mine said was 'believe in yourself. Dream, try, do good'...
Through time, pony kind has asked one requiring question: "can chaos be brought to justice?"
Soon... That very question... will be answered...
Staring Pipsqueek the Pirate as 'Blank'. "Where's me patch!?"
And Queen Chrysalis as 'Queeny'. "Why am I here?"
These two must team up, set their differences aside, and take on the most challenging task they have ever faced in their whole lives... Except Queen Chrysalis since she's probably older then dirt. "Hey!"
Hoof in hoof, they will take on the most dreaded horror of all... And for the sake of their jobs, they must win fair and square. "I honestly don't need this job... I believe that point should be made--"
On the next episode of Know Your Mare, be here to witness the crowning answer...
Can Discord be defeated with lies?
"You can't believe it will be so easy, can you?"
"Ya' know cap'n...? For a moment here... Yeah, I think it can."
"Silly foal..."
"Riceicles are for colts."
"Who will come out the victor? Find out on the thrilling, action filled, hilarious episode next time... On Know Your Mare."
"This is going to be just... The very opposite of perfect, I can't lie. This show is--"
Know your 'quus, know your 'quus, know your 'quus...
"Know your 'quu, huh? I'm guessing Pip wrote the--"
Hose 'em!
On signal, a torrent of water shot from out of the darkness and drilled into Discord's lengthy torso. After a few seconds of the water hosing him, it finally drip to an end and Discord looked around confused. "Who set a hose up?"
I did...
...Miss Boss-Lady said that we're allowed to use one of five things we've set up anytime you start to mouth off...
"Well that seems a tad un--"
Pelt 'em!
Once more from off the stage a battalion of of assorted objects were fired at him. Potatoes, cans, apples, crumpled up trash balls, even a horseshoe or two were tossed at the draconequus as he tried to shield himself with his mismatched arms. "Oh, fine! I'll play by your -ow- rules! Just -ow!- stop throwing things at me!"
Alright...
With only a few more volleys of assorted items the assault simmered down.
Discord...
...is actually a dragon...
"I have some dragon in me, yes. But I also have some pony, goat, a few large cats... The list goes on, do you want me to show you the list?"
Not needed...
...It just so happens that we have your birth papers here...
"Funny, since as far as I know I don't have birth records."
Are you saying the Royal Canterlot Archives would lie...?
"The same Royal Canterlot Archives where we gathered all that information on Trixie? I guess--"
He's resisting!
Zap 'em!
"Zap me?" Discord repeated, finding that far more extreme then pelting and hosing him. But even so, as he saw two tesla coils rise from the stage on either side of him, he swallowed painfully. For a short moment Discord was charged with the collective voltage of the two coils, amplified by his still wet body. After a short burst of the energy, it was all switched off and Discord toppled face first against the stage, his coat charred black and a small waft of dark smoke coming from his tail.
Ready to go on?
"I can't feel my brain..."
You can't feel what you've never had...
...Now get up...
...I know you can take more then that any day...
Sure enough, Discord sprang back to his feet and all of the char covering him disappeared with a snap of his talons.
Discord...
...according to his records is a dragon with a rare scale condition...
"What condition is it? Hm? How long have I got left to live? Give it to me straight doc."
A condition called...
...Imastupititus...
"Imastupititus? Isn't that the same thing Queeny has?"
No...
...she was diagnosed with ugligiantholetosis...
"Sounds serious..."
It is...
Discord...
...eats babies...
"You don't just eat babies. You need to have the right seasoning--"
He's smart mouthing!
Hose 'em!
"Didn't you already do that?" once more Discord was knocked back a little by the cooling flow of liquid hitting him, this time it spattering all across his face instead. The flow was much shorter and was retracted quickly. "I thought you had five things? Why go back to the first?"
That's our fourth thing actually...
You see, that wasn't water...
"What was it then?"
Ghost Pepper Sauce...
"Ghost Pepper... Sauce?" Discord repeated the name before piecing it together as he felt the liquid dripping down his face. "...Clever..." with that finally word, Discord began to flail about screaming as some of the sauce dipped into his eyes and against his tongue as he shouted in pain. Both Chrysalis and Pip allowed him to scream and smack up against the walls and rafters for a good minute before finally firing freezing water at him to clean him off.
Ready to go on again...?
Discord, now laying on the ground gasping for clean, un-spiced air gave them a thumbs-up before struggling back to his feet.
Discord...
...has a friend that really wants to say she's sorry...
"Really? Who? You? Couldn't be..."
Oh yes...
I want to say sorry for all the mean things I've said to you and Blank...
"Aww, I knew you loved us."
Yes...
...I'm so sorry, that I wanted to sing you your favorite song...
"You know my favorite song? You do listen to me. I'm just so gosh darn touched right now."
I bet you are...
...Blank...
...Care to help?
Completely...
Slowly the stage began to echo with the starting of music, music that Discord was familiar with but wasn't able to put a finger on.
Open your eyes, I see~~...
Your eyes are open~~...
"Uh... This isn't my..."
Wear no disguise, for me~~...
Come into the open~~...
"Wait..." Discord took a second to think of the lyrics before his eyes went wide. "NO! Guys stop!"
When it's cold(when it's cold) outside(outside)~~...
"Alright, you two win! I'll do anything, just stop singing!"
Am I here~~ in vain..?
Discord began to frantically look around before remembering he could just snap his fingers. With a snap he smiled, thinking it would've stopped. However, to his dismay nothing changed. "Wha-- GAH! You put up those harmony charms didn't you!?"
Hold on, to the night~~
There will be no shame~~
"Makers you two, please! I-I'll be good! Just stop singing!"
Always~~...
I wanna be with you...
And make believe with you...
And live in harmony~!
Harmony~!
Oh love~!
"GAH! IT BURNS!" Discord began to flop on the stage floor as if the words were starting to physicality hurt him.
Always~~...
I wanna be with you...
And make believe with you...
And live in harmony~!
Harmony~!
Oh love~!
"Have ye' no MERCY!?" Discord cried while the music began to cut out.
Plenty of mercy...
Discord...
...plays chess with Celestia when no one is looking...
"Well... I prefer checkers... But chess is her game."
Discord...
...thought this would be easier...
"It's still easier then I thought it was going to be."
Really...?
...How...?
"I was almost certain Pippy was going to--"
Do this...?
With a little click, a trapdoor above Discord swung open to reveal a statue of him sent plummeting down at him. "...I trained you well..." Discord nodded once before having the statue slam into his head and send him crashing through the stage floor.
Now you know...
Discord...
...What's wrong Blank...?
I don't know...
...This is just missing something...
Like what exactly...?
Hm...
...OH!
I've got it...!
Do tell...
Why don't we bring the boss on for the next episode...?
Are you mad!?
Everyone's so curious, let's just give them a better hint...
...Fine...
...But we keep her concealed at all times...
Got it...
You got that Cap'n?
Yeah, I got it...
How did you get up here so fast?!
Did you think a statue hitting me in the head at high speed would've kept me down?
...Yes...
For some stupid reason I used common sense in that matter...
Unlike all those before, the spotlights that lit the stage were all slightly dimmed and the target in question was garbed head to hoof in a thick brown cloak.
The Boss...
...knows we can't say much or we're going to be fired...
"No please, go right ahead and say whatever you want. We're all here for good fun."
We can say anything...?
"Go right ahead I say."
And if I do...
...You'll still sign for my--
"Without a doubt, you cute little colt."
Blank...
...Can you please stop seducing all of the older mares...?
I can't help it if I'm so darn cute...
The Boss...
...likes younger ponies...
"Better younger than older I always say."
Then why do you mooch off of older stallions...?
"Hah, mooch? A lady doesn't mooch."
Golddiggers do...
"I'm not a golddigger. I pay my way."
Sure you do...
The Boss...
...doesn't have a special somepony so she can leech off of others easier...
"That's not why. I'm alone because I just haven't met the right stallion yet."
Probably because he's hiding from you...
"What's your excuse?"
OHHHHHH!
She showed you...
Moving on...
The Boss...
...rules Canterlot with an iron hoof...
"There are several things wrong with that idea alone."
The Boss...
...plans to take over Haywaii next...
"I wouldn't--Actuelly... This is a tasteful land..."
Then she'll take over Saddle Arabia...
"No... Even if I wanted to I can't."
Why...?
"Luna was already promised it when the current ruler dies."
...You're making that up...
"Am I?"
Dear Makers...
...She's trying to turn the tables on us...!
What do we do...!?
Plan Chiron Beta Prime...!
"Chiron Beta--?" but before the cloaked mare could say anymore, a mine cart flew out from the darkness and scooped her up, carrying her off in the opposite direction with the loud clanging of metal.
...I think they now know a little more about...
...The Boss...
...Blank...?
Do you have any last minute words of wisdom...?
You know...
...I do actually...
No matter who you are, you can change the world...
Touching...
...What about you Queeny...
..."It may be too late to be the right person, but it's never too late to do the right thing"...
For once, the little filly on center stage wasn't there alone. Beside her was a blue police box with its front door cracked open. But to the little filly, it was the least oddest thing as she trembled behind a book cloaking her face.
Twilight Sparkle...
...can't reason why she's here...
"If... If I had to draw any conclusion to why I'm here, it would be because of some sort of unrealistic logic."
...Nerd...
"Nerd?"
Twi-Twi...
...has no future to look foreword to...
"Twi-Twi? And of course I have a future. The Princess is taking me in as a personal student."
Yeah...
...A lot that will get you...
"You don't know what you're talking about you philistine!"
...Neeerd...
Sparky...
...is doomed to become the stick in everyone's mud...
"Why should I even care if that's true? My studies and magic should come first. Not one thing comes before that."
What about your brother...?
"Exceptions to the rules are always applicable..."
...is about to be mentally scarred for all her life...
"How?" just like that, a hatch above the filly Twilight swung open to drop a mix of snakes and other reptiles on her. In seconds, Twilight began screaming and flailing away at the scaled creatures before rushing for cover inside the police box.
...Step one complete...
...Step two...?
I know just who to go for...
Wow...
There is a tear in my eye...
...I'm so proud of you...
...How long do you think it will take for the Doctor to figure out where his thingy-is?
I give him a week as long as our ace in the hole keeps him distracted...
"Ma'am. I thank you for trying to be hospitable, but I will tell you one more time. I do not care what wubs are!"
Lights from the catwalk flickered on and off, barely so to show the three different species laying next to one another on the once busy stage. Once three forces of pure oddity, now here, laying on a barely swept floor with bored expressions plastered across their faces. Even in their awkward laziness, they still sprang to their attention when they heard a door slam from behind stage. "Oh Makers..." Discord mumbled while contemplating if teleporting off of stage could still work.
But that idea was quickly forgot as a cloaked figure came before the three. Though the face was obscured by the brown tarp like hood, anger could still be felt fuming off from under it. "...What's going on here?"
"Well you see--"
"Silence..." the cloaked mare hissed, sending Pip to cower behind his 'Cap'n'. "I have provided you with a stage, tools, and the means to keep your show running longer... Explain to me why the show has been dry for so long?"
"We just haven't been able to--"
"Enough..." This time Discord took Pip and slinked behind Chrysalis like a scared puppy. "Now... If we are to keep our deals with one another, you will start this show up once more... Have I made myself clear."
The three nodded with little meeps of sound. "Good..." With not a word more to say, the mare turned away from her employees and went off back into the backstage.
"...Discord why are you hiding behind me?" Chrysalis groaned.
"Site seeing," he snickered in reply before getting a slap of a hoof to his lion paw from Pip.
Before the three voices on the stage that has faced many different ponies and species alike was the stallion of royal blood, looking a bit bored by the whole sight.
...
"...Eh-hem?"
Yes...?
Can we help you...?
"I was brought to your show so you could do some sort of interview on me?"
Oh...
...Well no...
...You can leave...
"I beg your pardon?"
Go...
...All we were going to do was make fun of you and poke fun at you...
Yeah...
...You can just go...
"Oh... Very well then..." Prince Blueblood thus turned around and began to exit the single spotlight before coming to a halt, a thought tugging at his mind a bit. "Why exactly are you letting me go?"
Why question it...?
Yeah...
A lot of ponies would've been happy to run away if we gave them the chance...
Milk this cow while you still can...
'Milk this cow'...?
Applebloom taught me it...
...It means take the chance you're given...
Ah...
...Bumpkin wisdom...
...Very few can match it...
"Excuse me."
Huh...?
Oh...
You're still here...?
Yeah...
Go milk a cow or something...
...We're letting you go...
"But why?"
Don't make us say it...
"Say what?"
It's just that...
...What can we say...?
Honestly...
What could we possibly say that could make you look any worse than you already do...?
"What did you say about me you--"
Don't even start, you piece nouveau riche arrogance...
You have nothing...
You are nothing...
"I am--"
NOTHING!
Do you know what power is boy...?
Something you could never hope to fathom...
Royal name and blood are nothing...
You earn respect by displaying your power...
Your very right to rule!
"Uh--"
DO NOT SPEAK WHILE I SPEAK YOU WORM!
Blueblood cringed and cowered as he saw two green flames spark through the darkness.
Celestia...
Luna...
Even Cadenza...
I have respect for them to some degree...
They have power and have shown their right to rule...
You have nothing and have proven nothing...
And that's why we won't say anything about you...
Yeah...
Why waste our time when we can bother people with depth and character...?
So you can just go...
We won't even bother with a trap or anything...
You know where the door is...
The prince could not get a single word out as he wobbled his way over through the darkness to the exit he entered from.
...Queeny...
Do not bother me with trivial matters of 'how amazing' I just was...
...I wasn't going to say that...
...I was going to say that I have on recording you saying you respect the princesses...
On center stage under the spotlight, the school teacher of all of Ponyville looked a bit puzzled by the small development. "Is something wrong?"
Just a little civil disobedience...
"Better civil than uncivil."
Right...
...That's the opposite of how you categorize your sex life, right...?
"I think that's my business to worry about."
Of course...
Cheerilee...
...Is known as La Bicicleta in Appleloosa...
"I haven't even been to Appleloosa before... And why would I be known as The Bicycle?"
Because you're the first thing anypony ever rides...
"That's uncalled for. I would like an apology letter after this."
Cheerilee...
...is a horrible person...
Heavy on the on H-O-R...
"Horrible--Stop that!"
Cheerilee...
...Is alone by choice...
"That's pretty much true. But--"
Everypony else's choice...
"Stallions ask me out almost everyday. If I wanted to I could go out. But I have papers to grade and students to focus on."
Cheerilee...
...Loves to tell stories...
"When I was younger, yes. But what does that have to do with anything?"
Everything...
In ways you could not even begin to comprehend with your Ponyville intelligence...
"I'll have you know that Ponyville is the second leading village in all of Equestria when it comes to education."
Yippy...
You lost to Canterlot and won to ponies who are high and a whole city of inbred ponies...
"There's no need to start making fun of other cities."
Does this pony have a 'stick out of flank' switch...?
I wouldn't count on it...
"I'm standing right here you know."
So that's where all the stank is coming from...
"That's--"
Cheerilee...
But before another word could be said about her, the floor beneath her slid open and swallowed her up into the darkness with a sharp squeal of surprise.
...Blank...?
I can't do it Cap'n! I can't do it!
Don't be such a coward...
But if we make fun of her, she's gonna--
Don't worry buddy...
...I'll make it right if it comes to that...
Thanks Cap'n...
...You two grow more and more toxic to me as the seconds pass...
I've already taken care of everything ahead of time...
...There's no way for her to slip by this time...
She got off easy last time...!
Time for me to bring down the thunder...
Who's gonna win this one?
We are!
Who's gonna win!?
We are!
Who're the boys that make all the wenches wanna scream!?
We are!
Who are the two most idiotic fillies in the world...?
We are!
...Wait, what?
Let's just go...
The three turned to face the center stage from their overlook, seeing the special effect smoke the prepared for this might occasion clear up to reveal their newest target. And there she was, lopsided eyes as always and looking just as confused as she always would be...
Standing front and center for the first time, Derpy looked around her dark surroundings completely unfazed.
Before we start...
Blank...?
Will you do the honors...?
Gladly Cap'n...
With a light click, two slots opened up from the ground beside Derpy, sending forth two shackles that quickly latched onto the pony's two back legs.
Just to be safe...
"D'aww, you don't have to worry about me."
Just don't want you getting side tracked...
Now let's begin...
Derpy...
...Can't count to three...
"Yah-huh. I can count to three. Watch. One to three."
Uh...
Right...
Derpy...
...has the most unlucky name...
"At least I got a name. Some ponies don't even get one. And that's sad..."
Hrmm...
Derpy...
...has a daughter...
"I have a daughter? That's great! When's the birthday?"
Derpy...
...Doesn't even remember her daughter...
"I don't even remember where I live; doesn't mean I don't love my house. You don't gotta remember something to know you love it, right?"
Derpy...
...makes Screwball look sane...
"Glad I could help."
No...
That's not a--
GRAH!
Cap'n, calm down...
No...!
It's time to bring down the rain...
Derpy...
...shouldn't be made fun of...
"...Wha? You were making fun of me?"
Poor Derpy...
...so far into special needs she can't even see when she's being made fun of...
Cap'n, stick to the jokes...
"Special needs? Noooo, I'm nothing special."
You're right...
...You aren't special...
You're just an old, tired pun...
"Uh... I-I don't really-- no... I don't understand."
Of course you don't...
...You're retar--
WOAH!
Bring it back!
This is a family show...
No need to pull the r-card...
Why?
Because she deserves special treatment...?
She isn't special...
She's worse then any other pony...
She's mentally weak!
At this, the pegasi in the center light had plopped down onto her flank and just looked at the ground hurt.
Cap'n...!
Calm down...
No...!
I'm tired of playing nice with ponies like her...!
If they can catch a break and--
Oh...
...I'm sorry...
Derpy...
...I'm sorry...
...I went too far...
Derpy made no action of responding, even as the shackles done onto her legs released and slipped away.
...I'll make it up to all three of you...
...I'm really sorry...
Finally, Derpy got to her hooves and ventured out into the darkness, only the sound of a closing door signalling her departure.
On the outside of the studio, in the setting Haywaii sun, Derpy looking off into the distance. Slowly, as she watched the waves crash into the sandy coast, she smirked. "Works every time..."
"Rejected!" from down below on the single spotlight lit stage, a little filly wearing a hat much too big for her own head threw a hoof up in said rejection.
What--?
"Stop talking! I, the gweat and powaful Twixie, will tell you when you may speak."
...
"..."
...
"...Well?"
Well--?
"I said no tawking till I tell--"
Enough...
I'm starting up the show...
"You will not do a single thing unwess I tell--"
Trixie...
...lives in her hat...
"How do you live in a hat? You were hats. Stupid."
Then why is your hat twice the size of your head...?
"Because my head isn't fat wike yours, grammy."
Why you little...
Trixie...
...Will grow up to be--
"The gweatest and most poweweful wizard in the world. Yeah, Twixie knows that already."
Ah...
Young dreams...
...Before reality crushes them...
"Can you not remember yours? You are old..."
I'm not old you pint-sized--
Never mind...
Trixie...
...will never amount to anything...
"Nooooo... Twixie will amount to everything. She will not grow up to be a wrinkly old bag like you."
STOP CALLING ME--
...No...
You know what?
You're right...
You will amount to something...
"Duh."
So much so...
I'll help you out...
"How?"
By giving you this...
At that moment, a book landed before the filly Trixie. "What is it?"
It's a book of the greatest spell of all time...
Trixie picked the book up with a twinkle of her horn and turned towards the police box stationed beside her on the stage. As she walked in and began to close the door, she gave a look up into the darkness. "What's 'boasting'?" But before she could be given an answer, the door slammed shut.
It's Changeling for payback you hack!
...
...Thank the Makers that the boys aren't here to hear me talk like that...
"Yes! I'm glad you taught me about wubs. Very fascinating stuff, but I am very sorry. I will not in this life or in any other life buy Venetian Sunglasses from you!"
Once more, the familiar police box stood near the center of the stage; this time having a blonde filly with little white freckles on her face beside it.
Applejack...
...has legs made out of noodles...
"Noodle legs? I ain't got no noodle legs... D-Do I?"
Applejack...
...Has a messy mane...
"Big Mac says my mane looks perdy! Big Mac'd never lie ta' me."
Applejack...
...is doomed to lose favor with her brother...
"Lose wha'? Favor? Ya' mean like 'portance? Ain't gonna happen. I'm Big Mac's favorite filly."
What if another younger filly comes along...?
"I'm the youngest; ain't gonna be any filly in our kin that'll be younger then me."
Uh-huh...
...We'll see...
"Hold on a sec. What's that s'pposed ta' mean?"
Applejack...
...is only important to her family until a younger model comes along...
"That' ain't true! Ma' kin love me. No way are they gonna love anyone more than me."
Uh-huh...
Applejack...
...Is overly clingy...
"I ain't clingy... Whatever that means."
Now you know...
Applejack...
"Who knows? What's this thing 'bout? I don't get it!" the young Applejack turned towards the police box, still rather confused.
...Wait...
...Before you go...
...I want to give you something...
"What is--?" before she could say anymore, a piece of paper drifted down to the ground before her.
Just a little piece of advice...
Applejack bent down to read it, scanning her eyes over it slowly. After a few moments, the filly took a sharp gulp and looked up terrified. "Th-that true?"
Of course it is...
...Every time you tell a lie...
...Somepony dies...
Unable to speak out of fear, Applejack scurried away into the police box.
...Too easy...
"Alright... I've heard everything there is to do with wubs, I've bought your entire stock of these strange shutter glasses, but please... I now -nor ever- want to watch the complete works of Batmare!"
Before the single light on the stage was the presence of a meek, little pegasi, looking very much lost.
OH NO!
You got right back into that box...!
"E-Excuse me?"
Yes!
You're excused!
Now GO!
"B-But--"
I don't care what you heard...
Just go back home...
There's no show here...!
"I was told--"
You want money...?
Will you go if I give you money...?
With a loud clang, a brown pouch landed before the filly on the stage.
There...
That's enough bits to last you ten years...
Take it and go away...!
"Ma'am I--"
Not enough, huh...?
Fine...
Yet another bag landed before the filly with a more louder clang.
That's enough for you to buy your own cottage...
Take it and never speak of this day...
The young Fluttershy looked at the two bags and slowly took them into her mouth before turning towards the police box she entered from before the show.
Woo...
Dodged a bullet...
...I'm evil but I'm not stupid...
"I'll give you this; the information on wubs has been fairly interesting, these glasses are starting to grow on me, and Batmare has a very complex story that I find very intoxicating. You've taken me on three accounts, I respect that. But I can't honestly say that I even want to know the science behind a 'Bass Cannon'..."
Before the intro could be finished, the stage was engulfed by a light from off stage. The light was quickly overshadowed by two shapes slowly entering through it, their shadows casting over the stage.
...Back already...?
"We were gone for a week," Discord, finally coming onto the center stage, said as he looked up into the darkness.
Really...?
...It felt so blissful without you two that I lost track of the days...
Pip took a spot next to Discord and smiled up into the darkness as the light from their entryway closed up. "You missed us, admit it."
Just take your spots up here so we can start...
"On it!"
As the two started to leave the light, they looked back behind them to see that the show had already had a guests waiting for them on center stage. To neither of the two's surprise, it was one they planned to let Chrysalis have to herself. "Oh... Um... You can go now."
"But--"
"Sorry, we'll call you back," Discord quickly led the tan colt out with a gentle push.
Just when my fun was about to start...
We love you too Queeny...
May we just invite that colt back so I may have my fun...?
Seemingly on cue the spotlights fixed onto a large googly-eyed, green dragon clocking its head against one of the support beams of the stage.
You won't even believe the trouble I went through getting this one...
...the number of protocols and paper work I had to get through...
...But worth it for you Cap'n...
I'm tearing up...
I'm just so proud of you...
...May I...?
You may...
...Know Your Drake, know your Drake, Know Your Drake...
Ugh...
The bejewelled dragon stood in the light, eyes locked intensely in front of him.
Crackle...
...Glues gems to his scales...
"......" Crackle only continued his intense stare at what now seemed to be empty space.
Crackle...
...Is not actuly a dragon...
"......"
Crackle...
...understands every word we've said...
"....."
Crackle...
...Is to fat to fly...
"....."
This is going nowhere fast...
...And I love it...!
Yeah... !
Obviously, this dragon is the smartest guest we've ever had...
I'll give you that one...
What are we gonna do now?
There's always the cannon, but I'm not sure he'd fit...
Then, it's time we broke out...
...The Lancer-cannon...
You don't mean?
Oh yes I do.
Aye-aye Cap-
Shut it you two, I think he's doing something...
Suddenly, Crackle Released his majestic wings, quickly flapping them with a force un-befitting such a creature. Sending waves of wind tunneling down beneath his feet, lifting him nearly two inchs off the ground.
Hmmm... Touche dragon...
What's that?
This, dragon can fly after all...
...Bravo...
Maybe, he understood what I said?
I highly doubt that...
I'm not so sure...
...But it could be fun to find out...
Crackle...
...is a dragon that can't breathe fire...
Flapping his wings more vigorously crackle slowly gained altitude.
Like talking to a brick wall...
Give him time...
He might just surprise us...
The voices carefully watched the dragon's every move. Taking notice of Crackle's slow gain of altitude.
What do you think he's doing?
No, idea...
...But I'm still loving it...
Finally, several minutes after he began his flight, the roof was within Crackles reach. Taking his chance, Crackle quickly spat out his tongue at an insect that was buzzing around the ceiling. Succeeding, in snagging it in his mouth, Crackle quickly put his wings back into there usually folded position, and began his decent. His impact with the stage cracked it slightly.
That was...
...strange ...
Bit gross...
I think we're done here...
...I've enjoyed my gift enough...
Prepare the cannon?
Prepare the cannon.
Aye-aye Cap'n...
With that the floor shook, and a hidden door opened, under crackle's feet. Dropping him into a cannon, just big enough to hold him. The cannon rose from the stage, revealing the word "LANCE-CANNON" written on the side in metallic-style letters. The now trapped Crackle offered no resistance at all, he didn't seem to mind one bit.
Cannon's ready Cap'n...
Alright then, on my mark...
...Pause for dramatic effect...
...
...
...FIRE!
Crackle was sent flying to the now open sunroof, and he would have gone soaring through the skies of Hawaii. If he didn't get stuck, upside down half way though.
That's unfortunate...
At least, we know the cannon works fine...
Put that in the Win column...
How, are we gonna get him out...?
Tempt him with food...?
...The weak of mind are usually swayed by that...
We could load the cannon, and try to force him out...
Don't think the boss would take kindly to that...
Good point...
What do you suppose we do then...?
Still stuck in the ceiling Crackle had his mouth open, producing the strange crackling noise. The force of Crackle's crackle seemed to be enough to crack the hole he was in wide enough, sending debris down onto the stage. With not another sound, Crackle sprang out from the roof and disappeared over the studio.
Well...
...That solved itself...
Yeah...
I guess you could say Crackle...
...slipped through the cracks...
YEAAAAAAAH!
...If I were to destroy you both...
...Do you promise that you won't only feel great pain...
Know your mares, know your mares, know your mares...
Three. On the stage was not one, not two, but three little fillies. None of which looking at all pleased by their being there.
Cutie Mark Crusaders...
...are as token as token gets...
"Token? What they hay does token mean?"
"Whatever it is, it's not nice."
Sweetie Belle...
...isn't a lawyer...
"I never said I was."
You were sure fronting like you were one...
"You were the one that--"
HOLD IT!
We're in charge here...
You can't raise your objections in here...
Got it...?
"...Yes..."
Speak up, pup...
...Can't hear you...
"I said yes... Geez..."
That's more like it...
Applebloom...
...can't dance to save her life...
"When would I ever have ta--"
"SHHHH! Don't give them ANY ideas!"
We're not that sick...
... Gruesome over there might be...
...But we're not...
Scootaloo...
...is the last of her kind...
"Pegasi aren't gone. I saw -like- four on my way in here."
Who said anything about the Pegasus race...?
"You just did."
I did...?
"Yes!"
Well I don't remember saying anything about Pegasi...
...Just your race...
"But I am a Pegasus!"
Sure you are...
Sweetie Belle...
...teaches fabrics to pick pocket their wearers...
"...That doesn't even make any sense!"
Then why do you do it...?
"I don't! Nobody does! It can't be done!"
Can't be done...?
...You dirty despotist...
"What's a despo-tist?"
"That's not a real word."
Yeah...
...because Sweetie Belle knows every word in the dictionary...
"I know a fake word when I hear it."
Scootaloo...
...Isn't a real word...
"It's a name."
A fake one...
And according to Sweetie Belle...
...If the word doesn't exist...
...You don't exist...
"When did she say that?"
"When did I say that?"
It was implied...
"Liar..."
Applebloom...
...lies more then us...
"I never--"
...You never what...?
"...Never mind..."
No no...
...Say it...
"Nope, ya can keep goin'..."
That's what I thought...
...Punk...
Cutie Mark Crusaders...
...are masters of overlooking...
"Overlooking?"
"Overlooking what?"
Cutie Mark Crusaders...
...Can't see the inevitable...
...Or they just don't want to face it...
"What're you talkin' 'bout?"
I believe your theme song said it best...
...Blank...?
...Do the honours...?
Gladly...
Eh-hem...
Yadda-yadda...
...younger pony...
...Blah-blah-blah...
Here we are...!
'We'll have to figure out what we'll do next...
Till our cutie marks are here...'
"Yeah...?"
"Your point...?"
What happens when one of you gets a Cutie Mark...?
That one will no longer need to 'figure out what' they'll do next...
...That one will move on...
"But--"
You three can't possibly have the exact same Cutie Mark...
...two of you will get their's before the other...
...And that one will be left behind...
"..."
Yes...
...That's what I like to hear...
...Defeat...
"...We'll just help out the others until we all have a cutie mark..."
Hm...?
"Yeah. We're best friends."
"Best friends don't quit on ya' until ya'll win."
...They've got a point...
For once lately I wish a guest would just take a defeat...
"Tough! We'll always be stronger then you!"
"Cutie Mark Crusaders Show Defeaters!"
Ugh...
...Can we fire them out of something...?
Nope...
...Blank's papers say we can't physically harm anyone in his age group...
Then what do we do...?
We do this...
A little click echoed through the stage and in seconds a blinking neon sign lit the spot above the three fillies. They noticed the sign had words on it and they read slowly, surprise and energy filling their bodies.
'First filly to climb Mount Haywaii will receive an amazing Cutie Mark'...
In a flurry of hooves pushing away at the others', the three Crusaders scrambled to beat the other one out of the stage; ignoring their talk of best friendship.
Proud and strong, the stallion in the center light of the stage remained in stature as the introduction went.
Fancypants...
...Doesn't wear pants...
"Dare say I don't. Rarely I see a pony with a pair of pants."
Fancypants...
...approves memos...
"Comes with the job description. Papers and invoices don't just check themselves over. If they did, why, stallions and mares alike all over would be without jobs."
Fancypants...
...is a certified pimp...
"Mmm... Must say that I have to differ with you on that one. Prostitution is outlawed in Canterlot. Not so much in Los Pegasus, but I digress."
Fancypants...
...drops by orphanages to hit orphans with fruits...
"That's heartless! No respectable being would ever do such a horrid act."
Fancypants...
...isn't a respectable being...
"I disagree. I am one of the most -if not the most- respectable stallion in Canterlot."
Fancypants...
...is a lord of modesty...
"It's well known among everypony in Canterlot. No need to be overly modest in honest matters."
Fancy--
Hey guys...
Oh no...
Sorry I came back...
I just forget a few-- BUCK! It's Fancypants!
Abort!
You're picking on Mr. Pants!?
Guys!
Run!
I'll get the door!
Go! Go! Go!
You two get back here!
How dare you be rude to Mr. Pants!
After a loud slamming sound, Fancypants was left in complete silence standing in the center of the room. "...Should I show myself out?"
"I hear the you lack a voice in your numbers," Luna, who was placed in the center of the lit stage, observed.
Just for the time being...
You remembered to lock the door this time...?
Of course...
...No interruptions this time...
Princess Luna...
...has a collective gamer score of three thousand...
"What is a 'gamer score'? Ney, I needn't have a reason to know. That is most likely a low score anyway."
Yeah...
...You would know...
Princess Luna...
...hasn't raised the moon in months...
"If that lie were true, how does thee explain its setting as of late?"
Leave it to your big sister...
Princess Luna...
...thinks the Contra code is for noobs...
"What is a 'Contra'?! Is thou making up words and phrases?"
Not at all...
But could you answer me something...?
"...I am hesitant to say yes..."
What's the opposite of down...?
"Up...?"
Say again...?
"Up."
What's the opposite of up...?
"...Down..."
Sorry, what...?
"Down...!"
If you don't turn right, you turn...?
"Left...?"
Good, you're not wrong, so you're...?
"Right...?"
And the right answer you said was...?
"Left."
And what's the opposite of left...?
"Right."
If you say the alphabet backwards, you'd say C...?
"...B, A."
That's what I thought...
"...I don't follow."
Sure you don't...
...Wink...
Princess Luna...
...sleeps morning to morning...
"Slander! I work very much hard to keep my physique, as well as keep up to date on the current events."
Princess Luna...
...plans to plunge the world into eternal night...
"NEVER!"
...Only so she can play her video games more...
"Video--No! What sort of vile words does thou spit upon me? This goes too far!"
Not far enough yet...
"What does thou speak of?"
Nothing...
...I just found this old journal tucked away in the royal archives...
...written by you in your youth...
...I found a VERY dark note here...
"...Thee jests of brining it forth..."
Not at all...
Let's let the world here that their princess of the night is--
Bam! The lights went out and the sound cut out. "What!? What happened!? Get the power back on you twit!" A fumble of sound could be heard as the lights and sound graduly returned. But to the announcers' surprise, the stage was now empty of any pony life.
I am the benefactor as well as owner of Know Your Mare...
...I trust you'll understand why I can't show my face or say my name...
But that aside...
...Let me apologize...
After a mental as well as a physical meltdown by one of our hosts of the show, we've been forced to move our set...
...What's left of it...
Please bare with us as we move to our new and much more sturdy set in beautiful Los Pegasus...!
But...
...I also have some tragic news to report...
In the loss of our Haywaii set...
...We lost our two hosts currently there...
...
...Discord...
...We lost Discord...
...No idea where he went...
As for Queen Chrysalis...
...She's stationed in intensive care for the next few days after many flaming support beams fell on her...
...Pip is MIA, but I have faith he'll return...
Rest assured that the show won't lose pace...
...We're already posting want adds all throughout Equestria and other neighboring lands...
...We have a good idea of who we'll have replace them for a little bit...
...It's temporary, so for those of you who don't like it, take some rest in that fact...
That's all I have to say...
Toodles...
"Once more, you've astounded me. The nature behind this 'bass cannon' seems unreal, but the science holds firm. Bravo. Because of this, though I would normally say no, I am inclined to hear your reasoning behind this -what was it called?- Brinner?"
This episode was recorded in anticipation of the 1000 like special...
...Please enjoy...
Lights search an empty stage as smoke leaks from off the sides, a mysteries tune filling the room with an ominous flux of sound. Suddenly, a fanfare of trumpets erupt and a single, wide screen TV flicks on above the stage.
IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!
Finally, the lights lock in on a single target, a lone stallion wearing a navy green ascot cap stood there, gray coat and all. On his flank he had a simple cutie mark of a quill dipped into a broken ink well.
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
"I'm actually a boy."
Oh yeah...
NOW he wants to change it...
"Sorry..."
You bet you are...
Now let's get this started...
Overlord-Flinx...
...can't spell to save his life...
"I try! I mess up a bit here and there, but it's no biggy, is it?"
A writer who doesn't care about the writing...
...makes me cry...
Overlord-Flinx...
...thinks he IS an overlord...
"Well, no. It's just a pen name... Stupid one, but I've just grown used to it."
Overlord-Flinx...
...is a hypocrite...
"To what degree?"
You know what...
"So what? I still don't like Original Characters! Is that a crime?"
It is...
...Seeing as you have your own...!
"I don't take it seriously like--"
Tell it to someone who cares...
Overlord-Flinx...
...is a failure to his family name...
"Oh yeah? What family name is that?"
The Suckingtons...
"But then doesn't that mean--?"
You're not allowed to rebuke that...
"Makers... Fine."
Overlord-Flinx...
...likes Princess Celestia...
"Well of course I do. She's one of my top ponies."
Overlord-Flinx...
...wants to date Princess Celestia...
"That's absurd! I wouldn't even--"
Still telling it to someone who doesn't care...
Overlord-Flinx...
...thinks trilbies are cool...
"Coolest hat there is. I just don't look good in them... But I do like ascot caps."
Overlord-Flinx...
...is a horrible writer...
"WOAH! Do not start mocking my writing. I'm a great writer."
Oh yeah...?
"Yeah!"
Then why doesn't anyone read your other stories...
"...They're busy...!"
Uh-huh...
"Stories are in the--"
Shhh...
...You're boring the audience...
"No I'm no--"
Zzzzzz...
...zzzz...
"Real mature."
Says the one who writes the scripts...
"Well that's--"
Speaking of which...
We brought a special guest for you...
"Oh yeah? Who? Celestia so you can hammer your point home?"
Close...
With a loud slam, the studio door flung open to reveal an army of ponies and alike standing in the blinding light of the outside world.
"Uhh..."
We've invited EVERYONE you had on your show so they can say ONE thing about you...!
Oh man...
I'm so proud of you little buddy...
I was just workin' off your great plans...
If you two are done...
We'll go in order of guest...
Overlord-Flinx...
...Never passed ANY schooling...
"Skin of my nose... but I DID pass!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...Can afford to bathe...
...He just chooses to smell like a dead skunk...
"I mask it!"
Overlor'-Flins'...
...hoards all his families money...
"I--Well... It's not hoarding exactly..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...Is the meanest person in the entire world...!
"I-I'm not that bad!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...isn't as young as he pretends...
"I'm not young or old... I'm even."
Overlord-Flinx...
...has no class...
"I wouldn't go that far..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...lacks in all realms of 'game'...
"Are you saying I'm not good at video games?"
Overlord-Flinx...
...has no swag...
"HOW DARE YOU!?"
Overlord-Flinx...
...always is done in 10 seconds flat...
...Always...
"H-Hey!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...Meh...
...S'alright...
"With that, I'm getting my only easy one..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...can't produce a skill to pay any bill...
"What? We're going street on me now?"
Overlord-Flinx...
...has romantic feelings for his partner...
"Clever, just repeating my script..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...doesn't know what is love...
...and it hurts him...
...it hurts him...
"No more!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...smells like dog buns...
"Yes, I smell... I get it..."
Overlor'-Flins'...
...cain't' buck fer' nothin'...
"...No comment..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...Who's he...?
"HAH!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...has his mom dress him...
"She only puts the clothes out!"
Overlor'-Flin'...
...ain't got half the cool as Pip or I got...
"Darn you're smooth..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...Is actually a human is disguise...!
"Not here I not..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...doesn't get any...
"I-- Refuse to answer..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...lacks in any sort of musical ability...
"I can play a piano... kinda..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...gross...
"Now that's just rude..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...eww...
"Stop it!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...can't act...
"I'm a great actor!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...s'alright...
...I'd party with him...
"Thank god..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...has poor penmanship...
"PIP!? WHY?!"
Flinx...
...ain't too good...
"Harsh... So very harsh..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...smells like a lynx stuck on the rinks surrounded by pinks...
"I...I...I don't even know how to respond to that!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...hates pies...
"...Is that a bad thing?"
Overlord-Flinx...
...isn't as evil as he could be...
"Thank you?"
Overlord-Flinx...
...Don't know 'em...
...Can't say much...
...I hear he smells...
"Ugh..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...would bend over backwards for this to stop...
"DISCORD WAS RIGHT!"
Overlord is he...
...getting a good grade was always a losing plea...
"I get--Alright grades!"
Over--
GETOUT!
Overlord-Flinx...
...has no special somepony...
"Point to you..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...don't know the difference between nuts and doughnuts...
"One of them isn't good for you... Am I right?"
Overlord-Flinx...
...it would be out of class for me to say anything...
...much like him...
"OW! Low blow!"
Alright...
That's enough...
Slowly, the crowd faded away back into the door they appeared from.
Wasn't that--
"No."
Doesn't matter what you think...
"This is my show!"
It was...
Now to give you your final gift...
"My--NO!"
Once more, the door flung open to show all the ponies there once more; only this time with weapons attached to each of them and their eyes locked on Flinx.
...Get him...
Without warning, Flinx bolted off of the stage with the mob not far behind, screaming for his head.
We've got a lot of mares and stallions to get through in this first round, so I want you three ready...
Got it...?
Ready...!
Whatever...
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
On the stage was a rather nerdy looking stallion sporting a brown jacket.
Copy.Data...
Woah...!
What...?!
Copy.Data...
His name is Copy-dot-Data...?
That's what it says on the paper...
"Actually--"
Hush up Dork-a-tron-3000...
Your name is spelled C-O-P-Y period D-A-T-A...?
"On paper, that would be--"
Oh dude...
G-Get out...
"Excuse me?"
You've made me laugh enough...
Oh dude...
Your parents must've HATED you to give you that name...
"Well--"
No, no...
Just go...
You've done enough...
Sure enough the stallion got up and walked off stage, rather put off.
Know your--
WOAH!
TERMINATOR!
Terminator?
No, no...
That's Night Wing of the Lunar Guard...
The winged stallion in the center stage put his dark head up proudly, enjoying that name and title.
...The what...?
Lunar Guard...
...The what...?
It's Luna's personal guard...
...Never heard of it...
Read a book...
Anyway...
Night Wing...
...Is a grunt...
"I am captain of the guard... Not a grunt any more."
...Captain of what guard...?
"Lunar Guard."
...Are you making up titles...?
"It's a real rank and section."
No it's not...
"It clearly is."
What...?
You needed to make up a title to feel good about yourself...?
"It's not a made up title."
Sure it's not...
Night Wing...
...is lord of the pineapples...
"Are you mocking me?"
Noooo...
It's a real title...
"I warn you, I have rank in which you can not even hope to understand."
...Well of course you do...
...I can't understand something you made up...
"I'm out of here," the stallion grumbled before storming off the stage, furrowing his wings.
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
For the first time in a while the stage was treated to two guests at the same time. The two ponies, one a blue pegasi and the other an earth pony, stood close to each other with kind smiles.
Welcome to the show girls...
"Thanks."
"I'm actually a--"
Moving on...!
Boxy Brown--
"It's Boxie Gloves... But Boxy Brown sounds kinda cool."
...is a sadist...
"Yeah I'm a-- What's a Sadist, Sugar?"
"It's you."
"That's not an answer," with that, Boxie smacked Sugar atop his head, getting an odd groan from the Earth pony.
Yeah...
...But it's a good thing Sugar is a masochist...
"Maso-what?"
"It means--"
Family show people...
...Family show...
"You see? Now we're in trouble!" This time around, Boxie nailed Sugar right in his nose with a firm hoof; once more this gained an odd groan.
Alright...
...Better cut to the next before we need to put an adult rating on this show...
"It feels so--"
Yeah...
...Let's hurry that up...
Fair enough start...
...But I expect more guests next time around...
...But I also understand the use of a good start up...
...Home being -you know- relative since we upgraded to one...
...Then burned down the last one...
...And this is the first time I've been to this one...
But it's still home...
All that's missing is--
Before the thought could finish, a bright light filled the room along with a slowly creeping shadow with a few holes in it.
Queeny!
You're alive!
Five seconds in and I'm already regretting this...
Keep up your icy attitude, you beautiful harpy you...
It's why I love ya'...
...How're your legs...?
Fair...
...The burns will be coming down in about a week...
...However I was told to not expel any flames from my body in fear of reopening the burns...
So you can't get angry...?
Not at all...
...It only means that I must be more constructive as well as creative with my rage...
Great!
Now all we need now is--
Once more, a bright light filled the stage as a small form took to the center of it. This time, Discord was left without words as his eyes went to look at the small form standing there, returning the look with its own wide eyes.
...Blank...?
"Cap'n!" Discord abandoned the cover the hosts used as he broke onto the stage, running towards the little colt that was running towards him in return.
"Blank!"
"Cap'n!" Discord fell to one of his knees and put his odd arms out as Pip jumped into the air and tackled himself into Discord's chest, cuddling deeply against him as the two wept with joy.
"...I hear only one of you. Where's the other two?"
Bu'y...
...I mean busy...
So I'll be doing you all by me--myself...
"Uh-huh..."
What...?
I can do it...
"I didn't say anything."
Spike...
...switches Twilight's books around when she isn't looking...
"Why would I do that?"
Why would you do that...?
"I don't do it."
But I just said you did...
"Then you're lying."
Children don't lie...
"Yes they do."
They do...?
"Yeah."
Aren't you a child...?
"Well--"
So maybe you're lying right now about me lying about some lie you lied about...
"I-- Wha?"
Spike...
...Helps Trixie rob tip jars...
"Once! The service wasn't-- Wait.. I'm not saying any more."
Yes you will...
"No I won't."
See...?
you just did...
"You made me say that to answer you!"
Why do you keep lying...?
You said you weren't going to say any more...
"But I--"
Liar liar, scales on fire...
"Ah--"
Spike...
...has 'The Sultry Argonian Bard' under his bed...
"Oh now that's a lie!"
Is it...?
"I'd never read that stuff!"
What stuff is that...?
"You know... That stuff..."
Well I don't know what kind of stuff that is so I'll just say you know what that stuff is because you read that stuff...
"But--"
Now you know...
Spike...
"But they don't!"
You know what...
...You're right...
I'm sorry Spike...
Here's a gift for me being sorry...
From the darkness, a book fell down before Spike with a brown cover. Spike picked it up and smiled. "Woah! It's a first addition of "The Lustful Argo--"
AH HAH!
You do know what it is!
"But--I--" Spike franticly looked around before sprinting off stage, still holding the book close.
...Should we hold off on Blank's test so he can help us with this one...?
Buck yeah!
He's gonna love this...!
I may have to agree...
...It's not every day you have a chance to challenge one such as her...
At that moment, a door slowly creaked open from off stage followed by light little clops of tiny hooves against the floor. Second by second the sound echoed louder until a tiny filly sporting a purple vest poked her head onto the stage. "Am I in the right place?"
Upon the stage stood a meek little filly looking none too pleased to be in her position.
Before we start...
...We have a strict eye-wear policy...
"What do you mean?"
Can you see without your glasses on...?
"I can... But the point of me wearing them doesn't--"
Take them off...
"But I--"
If you can see without them...
...Take them off...
"I don't really-"
Blank...
...Take them off of her...
Aye-aye...
Without a moment of waiting, a large force of suction started tugging at Nyx. Before Nyx herself could be dragged off stage, a clasp of metal cuffs came out from the stage floor and held in in place. Soon, Nyx's glasses were torn from her face and revealed her catching eyes.
There we go...
...Now we can start...
Nyx...
...doesn't have a real name...
"Twilight said Nyx was a good name..."
Sure she did...
"Twilight wouldn't lie to me!"
Sure she wouldn't...
"S-Stop that..."
Nyx...
...isn't the master we need, but the master we deserve...
"...I-I don't understand what you mean..."
Sure you--
"Will you please stop that?"
Nyx...
...once burned a sock factory down...
"I did what?! N-No! I would never- Well, maybe I-- No! I wouldn't do that! What would I have against a sock factory? Socks are warm and fuzzy."
They're even more warm now...
"I didn't--"
Nyx...
...is too busy here to realize that Twilight Sparkle is hanging over a lava pit...
"WHAT!?"
...And she's about to be dropped in...
"NO!"
..And there's lava sharks...
"D-DON'T! Please, leave her out of this!" Nyx began to tear up as two voices began to snicker.
Nyx...
...had better be a fast runner...
"...Why?"
Because we're about to do this...
Suddenly, the stage began to rattle with the stomps of something exiting the darkness.
I thought to myself...
...how do we get someone like you off our stage...?
Then it hit me when I thought back to Trixie...!
You're releasing a bear...?
Nope...
Out from the darkness, with a purple hue to its tall form came a wolf made of glittering stars. Its head dipped down to Nyx's level and growled lowly.
...Lupus Major...?
Lupus Major...
Nyx made no hesitation to start running away with tears streaming in her eyes. "MOMMY!"
The beast bolted after the little filly as the both faded into the darkness.
...There comes a time in every foals life where they have to learn how to trot...
...Well today is your day...
...I'll be honest...
...I don't know if you're ready...
But I do know you never let me down...
...I believe in you champ...
Awh, Cap'n...
...Ye' got me all teary eye'...
Queeny and I will be watching you...
...So just do your best...
Won't let ya' down...!
I know you won't...
...You make me so proud to be called Cap'n...
Are the two of ya' gonna be doin' much else beside' watchin' me...?
In a way...
...The big filly upstairs wants us to start on the paper work to get one of our biggest guests to the show...
Who be that...?
You pass this test...
...And you'll know...
Yer' bein' awfully off cuff right now, Cap'n...
Well Quenny isn't here yet...
...And I don't get paid overtime...
Alrighty...
So...
Get ready...
Because I'm about to blow your mind to flank...!
...Sounds fun...!
That's the spirit!
It's no secret that you five are... well known... That is why I've called you here...
My show runs off of pain, misery, embarrassment, sexuality, and nonsense; all are aware of this. But rarely is the audience treated to a show of the interviewee becoming actively... involved.
And as my sources tell me, you are the most... involved, ponies in the known world. At least, those that have no known records.
So I ask you... Entertain my viewers. In exchange, I will give you a sum of bits that will dwarf the mass of income you will make in your entire lives... ALL of your lives.
I only ask in return that you provide a show... Will you accept?
...Where do we sign up?
So much work to do...
...Best stay focused...
...When was I supposed to return that box to that doctor again...?
I can't remember...
...No matter...
He probably hasn't noticed it was gone yet...
"Brilliant! You are absolute-- Yes! Your mind is so interesting! So erratic and brash, yet you can somehow waver even my own mind. That itself is remarkable if I may say. But now... You are surely pulling my leg. You seem smart, persuasiveness, and have remarkable taste in action television, but now...? Now I can not be sure... There can be no possible way for you to tell me you know why the children love Cinnamon Toast Crunch! It's not possible Vinyl!"
This time around, the grey filly on center stage seemed to be stepping around a bit cautiously.
Silver Spoon...
...Is pigeon hoofed...
"No, I'm just making sure you don't swing another door on me like last time..."
Sure thing Dancing Queen...
Silver Spoon...
...knows a mare on the moon...
"You mean Princess Luna? Psh, if only I knew her..."
Silver Spoon...
...still flunks as a flunky...
"Totally not a flunky. We already talked about this."
Like...
...We did...?
"Yeah."
OMG...
WTB...
LOL...
"W-What?"
SS...
...TINBBFFWDT...
"...What?"
Lol...
...It means 'totally is not best, best friends forever with Diamond Tiara'...
"I totally am!"
You, like, totally aren't...
"Stop mocking me!"
Now you know...
...Silver Spoon...
"No they--" Finally, Silver Spoon went into a firm stance as she looked up into the light, moments later regretting it. The ground beneath her swung open and swallowed her back into the darkness she once fell into during her last visit.
He has promise...
...A bit stale...
...But he deliver well enough...
Seems luck is on his side...
Results, you twit...
...We want results...
"Really? I had never thought the answer was so simple... All this time... Thank you. This is indeed valuable information; all of this that you've told me. However, in my line of work, I don't believe this last piece will be of use... However, you haven't steered me wrong yet. So do tell Ms. Scratch: How do you get to Sesame Street?"
....I'll banish Cadance to the puppet dimension...?
...What were the lyrics again...?
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
"You're gonna give me a pass... Right?"
"But of course, young Pipsqueak. I respect you greater by the act of pulling away rather than pushing foreword."
"Thanks princess..."
"...How are your cohorts?"
"Sure they're fine... Prob'ly found somethin' ta' pass their time."
"Most likely... Would you care to play a round of Metal Gear with me?"
"So long as it ain't Twin Snakes... Liquid makes me feel bad."
On the stage of Know Your Mare, Discord stood tall with a dull expression. He glanced about for a second before clearing his throat. "Mares and stallions... I regret to admit that our dear Blank will not be performing tonight... So for your entertainment, we have arranged a distraction." With a bowing gesture, Discord slithered off of stage; an unmistakable smirk across his mug. "Brought to you by the lyrical stylings of Ms. Queeny..."
"SNAKE IS CURRENTLY IN YOUR ABODE, HARLOTS!" Luna ignored Pip's presence as she began to mow down enemy targets in her game.
The lights dimmed on the stage slowly, while at the same time bringing a smaller stage out from the floor housing the Changeling Queen Chrysalis. Her expression was in quiet rage and only grew more so as the sound of drums and light piano work started to fill the room. "I hate my life..."
There's a fire going on, but the party's just begun...
So keep your focus looking at me tonight...
Her voice took to the same shamed tone that her face had, but she continued on none the less.
So the world's about to end, gonna party with my friends...
You don't have any friends...!
And ain't nobody gonna say it's not right...!
Chrysalis snapped with a flaring glance up into the host box.
And I know nothing's gonna stand in my--
Alright...!
ENOUGH!
The music cut off with a sharp scratch as Chrysalis stomped her hooves into the stage. "This is ridiculousness! NOPONY WANTS TO HEAR ME SING THIS SONG!"
Awww...
...But you were doing so well...
"I'm out of here!" her wings furrowing and buzzing in rage, the queen stepped off of the stage.
...One of these days I'll get a full song sung on this show...
"Something wrong, Pipsqueak?" The tall mare on center stage looked about curiously, her crimson mane turning along her white wings.
I---Uh...
...Woh...
...Yer' my final test...?
"Yeah... We alright to move along?"
S-Sure thing...
...What should I call you...?
"Meh, names come and go to me. Just pick one and roll along with it."
Alright...
...uh...
Mother Mare...
...makes deals with Mephisto...
"Nnnno... I don't remember meeting anything by the name of Mephisto."
Mother Mare...
...was old when this world was young...
"Technically that's actually right."
...And it shows clearly...
"Ah, age jabs. Good one."
Mother Mare...
...would rather play with dolls than do her work...
"...Yeah... Totally would. But the dolls help me work out the work for later; so it evens out."
Mother Mare...
...is running low on PP...
"I keep my PP at a regular level thanks to regular elixir use."
Buggers...
...I can't do this...
"What's wrong?"
Well you see--
"Ah... Say no more..."
You know...?
But how do--
...Oh right...
"Don't worry... Just say one more thing."
Alright...
Mother Mare...
...eats pencils...
"OH! OW! You have got me! I am slain! Oh no... My flaws have been shown! I am defeated! No more... Please no!" The mare continued to spout out random words of pain as she wonder off the stage in a dramatic show.
...Now you know...
...Mother Mare...
...He wins...
She let him win...
Exactly...
...A host who is cunning...
...Kind...
...Knows when to back down...
...And knows how to make the target bend to his needs...
...We have five ponies that have been hired to face us...
Really...?
Huh...
...Guess goodbye will have to wait...
Who is it we're facing...?
Them...
Center stage held a dark presence, their uniform wings tucked away to their sides. Each one sported the exact same designed body suit, black and purple. "I heard this would be fun... So let's have a little fun, heh?" the head of them noted with a sly tone.
Here at Know your Mare, we have a lot of laughs...
And it all started with a simple joke...
Twilight Sparkle…
…is a conspiracy nut…
How the days just whiz by...
And look at me...
Still here...
Trucking along like a hitch-hiker on the road to Los Pegasus, just waiting for the off chance that somepony will pick him up...
...When out of nowhere, an army of settler pony ghosts attack him because they never moved on from the war...
...Or something like that...
But hey...
...We're here and it's because you keep putting this show on to watch it...
...Seriously...
...Go do something else...
...This show isn't healthy...
Do you honestly have nothing better to do...?
If I wasn't bond by contract, I would've run away around episode ten...
And you're STILL here...?
Come on..!
Go away...!
I'm sure discovery channel has something good on...
Know your Mare was started on the idea that nopony deserves amnesty or anything of the sort...
On a daily basis, we receive hate mail about our treatment of Fluttershy, Cadance, Luna, Fluttershy, Derpy Hooves, The Doctor, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Fluttershy...
And we never check any of these letters...
...especially the Fluttershy ones...
Why...?
Because Know Your Mare was born on the premise of never caring...
This revelation may come as news to you...
...In which case you're a moron...
Greetings...
I am Voice Number Two...
...Or Queeny...
...Or Chrysalis...
I remember when I was hired as a cruelty consultant to Discord...
...Things were simpler back then...
Never the less...
...I stand before you a proud leader of the changeling horde...
...That's something they can never take from me...
'Ello...!
I'm Voice Number Three...
...Or they call me Blank...
...Or when we're off the clock, I'm Pipsqueak...
...Or just Pip...
I've 'ad a right good time muckin' 'bout on this stage with me two new pals...
Like the time Cap'n and I went rogue...!
That was a good week...
And yeah...
...I joined this show so I could get work experience for a schoo' project...
...But I've 'ad the time of me life here...
I met the Cap'n here...
It's been a grand ride...
...Wouldn't change it for nothin'...
We here at Know Your Mare enjoy the work we provide to entertain the masses that are you.
That's why we aim to please you with whatever we can.
Good evening.
I am the Benefactor, creator, organizer, and coordinator of Know Your Mare...
It has been a great honour entertaining and providing this show for your viewing pleasure.
I will place hopes that you yourselves have an honour in this entertainment as well.
Until we meet again...
I give you this last hope of entertainment from me...
...Fleur de Lis...
Ta-ta...
...
...
...
...
...
...Ah, buck...
...Why not?
Hit it Vinyl Scratch!
Slowly, the dark lit stage of Know Your Mare began to sound with the playing of piano keys while a spotlight began to widen to reveal Discord standing center stage. Clutched in his claw, he held a microphone.
Just a small town girl~~...
Living in a lonely world~~!
She took the midnight train going any~where~~...
Take it away Pips!
With a light toss, Discord sent the microphone down to a young colt who caught the handle in his mouth and quickly clipped it into a hook around his neck.
Jus' a city boy~~...
Born and raise' in Trottin'ham~~!
He took the midnigh' train goin' any~where~~...WOO!
Discord scooped the young colt up and bumped his hoof with a proud nod as the music kept playing. As the two of them looked between one another to see who would take the next line, they saw the mic being taken from Pip. They followed it as he floated through the air and met with the dark face of Chrysalis.
A singer in a smokey room~~...
"WOOO! Queeny!"
A smell of wine and cheap perfume~~!
For a smile they can share the night-...
It goes on and on and on and on~~~! Yeah!
In one quick motion, they huddled up, for once all of them smiling brightly.
Cockiness was the best word to express how the pegasi on center stage looked.
Charger...
...he's bad...
"Heh, can't argue with you there."
Charger...
...he deals poison-joke...
...Bad flank indeed...
"Well... Poison-joke can be used for a lot of illegal stuff..."
Charger...
...doesn't put the seat down after going to the bathroom...
Bad to the bone...
"I put it down. It's common courtesy..."
Common courtesy...?
He's more bad than I thought...!
Blank...
I don't want you hanging around with such a bad influence...
"...Are you saying that I'm not bad?"
Oh no...!
He's mad at us...!
Hurry...!
We better leave before he prank calls us...!
Oh the horror~~!
"Oh hah hah hah. Real funny, chumps."
No...
THIS is funny...
With a click, a hatch above the stage opened and dumped a glob of honey all over Charger. "What the--" Before Charger could voice any rage, another click echoed across the stage. This time, an army of parasprites swarmed out from the darkness with their eyes fixed on him. Charger didn't need any more of a reason to bolt off the stage as the bugs followed after him for his honey coated body.
We're fighting against ponies nobody cares about...!
We need to go back and finish what we started...
...He's right...
...Before we nail these guys or any other strangers, we need to put the nails to our foes...
But we'll be fired...
..Remember...?
You three already signed for my papers...
...I ain't got nothin' to lose...!
If Blank wants to do it, I'm right behind him...
...Very well...
Great...!
I'll go get the gong...!
...
...Why do we need a gong...?
"Astounding... I had never once thought of it like that... How metaphysical as well as introspective. I am awed. However, despite all that you've shared with me, I can't help but find this latest note far too unheard of. I will not doubt you, seeing as you have yet to lead me wrong. But, I am curious... How is 'Cool as Ice' superior to "Citizen Mane'?"
Rage and distaste filled the eyes of the purple mare on a stage that may have been different, but the scars were the same.
Twilight Sparkle...
...knows every word in the dictionary...
"Yes... I do..."
Loosen up Twilight...
...We're not going to hurt you this time...
"Lying isn't foreign to your nature; so excuse me if I don't believe you."
Oh come on...
...How about we ask you a word in the dictionary...
...Let you educate us...
"...Fine..."
Great...!
Define: Exist...
"Exist: to have being; life or animation."
Splendid...
I can use it in a sentence...
You can...?
Yeah...
Twilight Sparkle...
...shouldn't exist...
"Amazing... You went that far to make that joke... I'm honestly impressed."
You know what...?
Twilight Sparkle...
...I'm sorry...
"Well... If you're sorry for it..."
...That you exist...!
"Grrr..."
Twilight Sparkle...
...Doesn't know when to stop walking into it...
"It's kind of hard to when the cards are stacked against you...!"
Twilight Sparkle...
...thinks war has changed...
"...Is there even a way to respond to that...?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...abuses Nyx...
"HOW DARE--!"
Now you know...
Twilight Sparkle...
"No! You take that last one--" Once more, the floor swung open under her. "...Oh, buck you three..." she managed to say before the darkness took her down under the stage.
Frustration filled the mare's face, none to eager to bring herself back here. So much so, she neglected to wear her hat.
Trixie...
"What? You're not doing your amazing opening today?"
No Trixie...
...We wanted to say we're sorry...
"..."
No really...
...We are...
During your first visit here...
...We did something horrible to you...
"...Admitting your faults to the Great and Powerful Trixie is admirable..."
Boy...
...Did we fault...
...We never gave out that number...!
"Number? What--? Oh..."
So if you want to help keep this tip jar robbing mare off the street--
"The Great and Powerful Trixie does not rob tip jars! Often that is..."
Call 1-800-555-6335...
...Again...
1-800-555-MEEK...
"Enough with your quips against me. Finish this travesty of entertainment so I can leave!"
Trixie...
...doesn't see the Ursa right behind her...!
"NOT AGAIN! I will not be a bowel movement again!"
HAH!
Gotcha...!
There's no Ursa...
...Silly little pony...
"T-The Great and Powerful Trixie knew that..."
Trixie...
...stole the secret recipe...
"What secret recipe?"
Like you don't know...
"The Great and Powerful Trixie does not know.."
Who'd you sell it to...!?
"Sell what?"
Was it the Saddle Arabians...!?
"I've never even been to Saddle Arabia!"
So you admit you stole it...?
"In what way does me saying that incriminate me?"
Trixie...
...is a camel...
"...You know what? Yes. I am a camel. You win! I give up!" Trixie threw her front hooves up before storming off the stage, muttering that everything they ever said was true.
It had been so long since that apple bucking mare on center stage had even been here; but that didn't stop her from looking uneasy.
Applejack...
...is bald...
"Y'all can see my mane clear and ya' know it."
We can see something...
...your wig...
"Ain't no member of the Apple family ever had need fer' a wig... Even Granny Smith."
Applejack...
...puts the kin in bumpkin...
"What the hey does that mean?"
I don't know...
...Sounded funny...
"Jokes don't work 'less they make sense."
Make sense...?
What fun is there in making sense...?
Applejack...
...tastes like cinnamon...
"How would ya' know what I taste like?"
Psh...
...I'm talking about the cereal...
...Not everything's about you...
... Conceited...
"Y'all were just talkin' 'bout me."
Applejack...
...Thinks we don't have a life outside of her...
"Never said that! Never!"
Now you know...
Applejack the vain...
"I'm not vain! I'm not! I swear you were talkin' 'bout me!" Applejack tried to defend as she exited off the stage and back into the darkness.
"I... I never thought of it like that... To even comprehend that logic of what you-- Astounding! How I wish I could spend and eternity picking your brain and learning more of the mysteries of this world... But I have someone very important to me waiting for my return. It was great to meet you Ms. Scratch. When we meet again, perhaps you can share this 'gangnam style' wisdom with me."
The massive beast of a dark blue coat and twisted horns remained deathly still, breathing slowly through his old snout.
Grogar...
...needs to do this quick...
...It's passed his bed time...
"Age is not a factor to one as timeless as me..."
Grogar...
...remembered to put his dentures in today...
"Still your tongue, trickster. My age speaks volumes to your petty hat tricks."
They do...
...When you turn your hearing aid up...
"Say it as much as you want. You are older then me nonetheless."
I was turned to stone for those years...
...I stayed young and fresh while you got all wrinkly and starting to smell like prunes...
Prune-Goat...
...his bells are the soul of Canterlot...
"That-- Wait... What's a Canterlot?"
Prune-Goat Grogar...
...can't answer a riddle to save his life...
"My mind stretches for eons, wretch. Ask me any riddle!"
Very well...
Grogar...
...Who is the monster and who is the mare...?
Sing your bells, bells, bells, bells...
Bells of Grogar Go~~~~~~~~at!
"... Humorous... I understand your fears now, Discord."
Oh yeah...?
What's that grandpa...?
Cap'n...
...I think we should stop there...
"Oh yes, Discord... Do run away. Such is the action I would expect from a spoiled child like yourself."
You wanna throw down...!?
"Makers, no. I'm far too old for doing battle, as you know. I will simply hobble off and leave you to your toys..." Grogar moaned weakly as his bell chimed at each of his labored steps.
Fluttershy, so often as she been on this stage under the spotlights that she looked around fearfully at the void of silence. "H-Hello? Y-Y-Y-You called me here? I'm sorry if--"
Stop right there...!
"Meep!"
You don't have to say sorry...
...We do...
...And we really mean it this time...
"I--"
You can't believe us, we know...
...We've hurt you...
...And we wish to stop hurting you...
All we can do is offer our deepest sorrows to you...
...And give you this over sized cake...
Out from the floor before Fluttershy sprung a layered cake decorated in her tone. The words 'we are really sorry etched into it fairly poorly'.
...Blank wrote it...
I don't have thumbs...!
...I don't even got fingers...!
"No. It's lovely. Thank you."
We hope it helps fix what we did wrong by you...
...Can we say one thing about you before we let you go...?
"I-I guess one thing won't hurt..."
Fluttershy...
...will have a backache for the rest of the month...
"Why will I have a--" in answer to her question, a hatch opened above her and dropped a wave of papers, letters, and stones with writing on them onto her.
That's every single complaint letter we had about you...
...We're sorry...
...But we still don't care about them...
So we're just giving you the hate mail...
...Maybe you'll enjoy it...
...Makers know we didn't...
Fluttershy's head popped out from the pile of papers and she smiled a little. "Oh... I'll be happy to take all of this. And I understand... I forgive you."
...Just make sure the stage is the same before the two of us get back...
I promise you...
...There will be a stage when you get back...
I know you're going to twist that somehow...
...But I'm already late for my flight...
...Come on Blank...
Good luck Cap'n...!
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
The captain of the royal guard looked for a minute befuddled by the lack of voice he heard. "Cadance said you added other ponies to your team."
And I'm sure if Cadance said the sky was blue, you would believe her...
"...It is blue."
Shining Armor...
...is a conformist...
"But the sky is blue most of the time. That's an honest statement."
Shining Armor...
...is a pickle...
"I'm a unicorn... How could I be talking if I was a pickle."
Sorry...
I don't speak picklenese...
"Nopony does! That's not a real language."
Shining Armor...
...Thinks his language is the only language...
"I didn't say that. I said picklenese isn't a language... It's not even a word."
Shining Armor...
...is keeping the black mare down...
"What are you talking about?"
Now you know...
Shining Armor...
"I... You know what? It doesn't matter... My papers are in to have you put on trial; so I don't care..." Shining Armor calmed himself down before departing down the stage.
"My lucky-what? I... Don't think I have a luckydo..."
You don't...!?
We can't have that...
...Here, take this...
Before Cadance fell a plush pink doll with little black eyes. "...What is it?"
It's a doll...
...That can be your luckydo...
"Um... Thanks..."
My pleasure...
Cadance...
...sells tickets to Gilda's flee circus...
"Who's Gilda? And why does she have a flee circus?"
Now you know...
Cadance...
"No; they really don't. They think I sell tickets to another pony's misfortune and that I don't have a 'luckydo'..." despite her groan of anguish, Cadance picked the doll up with her magic and left the stage; partly thankful that this didn't go too bad.
There on center stage was the undefeated beast of burden; the one of lopsided eyes and a dismal expression. "Umm... There were more voices last time I was here."
And the gloves were off last time you were here too...
...Life's a horse...
"A horse?"
Yeah...
...Like the kind that trot over all of your hopes and dreams and leaves you crippled on the side of the road so the timberwolves get you...
"...Alrighty."
Yes...
...Alrighty indeed...
Derpy...
...is afraid of waffle-irons...
"Waffle-iron! Who uses a waffle-iron when you can have a muffin made?"
I use a waffle-iron...
...Example...
In a moment, Derpy was clonked on the top of her head with a stray waffle-iron tossed from the darkness. However, Derpy remained unfazed.
And I'll keep throwing those at you until you are afraid of them...!
"...Keep throwing what?"
Darn you're good...
Derpy...
...can't pull the wool over my eyes...
"I don't have any wool."
Sure you do...
...You have the wool of your shroud of lies you carry around...
...Lies that you can't pull on me...
...Because I'm in your mind...
...I'm like a bear in the zoo that has some stupid kid fall into his pin...
"What's a zoo?"
Hush now...
...I'm doing an analogy...
Like I said...
...I don't just kill my new piece of meat...
...I play with it...
...And I've been playing with you for two too long...
...Time to bring you down...!
"But I'm already on the ground..."
Your mind games won't work on me this time...!
"Like hopscotch?"
...
Derpy...
...is just a lonely zombie...
"...You lost me at just."
See...?
You already don't have a brain...
...You're pretty much a zombie already...
"...What was that after 'you'?"
Derpy...
...Is helping me...
"Yay! I'm helping!"
Yes...
Do you want to know what you're helping me with...?
"Oh! Oh! Is it baking?"
Yes Derpy...
...It's a type of baking...
...The baking of your demise...
"...Is that chocolate flavored?"
Better...
...It's the flavor of revenge...
"Mmmm... Sounds yum-tastic!"
Oh...
...It will be...
Derpy...
...didn't hear us come in through the door...
"Oh! Your buddies are here! Now everypony can have some 'revenge' flavored food!"
...What have you been telling her...?
Just something to pass the time...
Derpy...
...takes part in vandalism...
"The Mayor tells me that all the time! She also says I'm 'a lawsuit in motion'."
...Right...
...Well we have proof you vandalize...
"Really?" In answer to her question, a blue police box landed beside her with a loud crash. The box seemed to have been broken in the windows and dented all over; the paint scratched off in many places and the words "Mii Derpee Toetaly did dis' sprayed across the face of it.
See...?
...Your name is written all over it...
...In one places...
...because we didn't have time to--
--clean all of it off...
...Because we're good samaritans...
What do you have to say for yourself...?
"...Muffin?"
A likely story...
But here...
...Have this as a good luck gift...
Before questioning why she would need a good luck gift, a pink doll landed in front of her with dull black eyes. "...What is it?"
A luckydo...
"...Wow. It's pretty."
No Derpy...
...It's beautiful...
A loud bang echoed across the dimly lit stage and a bright light overcame everything. From off to the side, Princess Cadance walked in with two pegasi guards close behind her and a brown stallion narrowing behind them. "Hi--"
"That's the one!" Cadance snapped as she pointed a hoof in Derpy's direction. "She's the one who stole my luckydo!"
The two guards quickly went up to Derpy and looked down at her harshly. "Stealing from a princess? You're doing hard time for this..."
"B-B-But--"
"What did you do to my TARDIS?!" the brown stallion bolted out from behind the group and went to the beaten down box.
"I didn't do anything! I swear!"
Then why's your name on it...?
"I--"
"Vandalizing and robbery? You're going down for this one..." The two guards closed in around Derpy and began to drag her off. "We've also been informed you've been teaching picklenese to insight a rebellion... You'll be brought to court for these crimes. May Celestia have mercy on your soul..." The large group filed out, dragging a confused Derpy out by her wings.
...I WIN!
I FINALLY BEAT HER!
All it took was making a fake police box...
...Paying off Vinyl...
...Filling that luckydo with spatial enchantments so Cadance would think it was actually lucky...
Know Your Mare studios... A work of lies, cheating, and good old fashion family entertainment. It has been from Ponyville, where they decided to move away from for legal issues; Haywaii, which was blown to smithereens; and Las Pegasus, where it stands to this day.
Would you like to do the honors...?
After you...
I insist...
You both realize we're doomed if we go through with this...?
...Chrysalis...
...Let me tell you something...
...What have we really accomplished...?
...We've made-up stories about ponies, we've hurt them, we've robbed a few of them, we've injured some of them beyond belief, we've put one in jail--
--Well deserved--
...But now...
...We've got a chance to make it all right...
...What sort of stallion would I be if I didn't make things right...?
...On the count of three...
RIGHT!
One...
Now you know...
Two...
Know Your Mare...
THREE!
Click...
Las Pegasus' Know Your Mare studio; reduced to rubble in a flurry of green fire, confetti, and opossums holding yams within two seconds...
What do we do now...?
Isn't it obvious...?
Yeah...
...It's pretty obvious...
...One last round...
...Let's make it count...
Oh...
...We will...
...I see an entire town filled with ponies that we can still fight...
But we only have time for one more show before the cops show up...
The filly on stage shied a bit with her tail dipping over her flank as the lights fixed on her.
Babs Seed...
...she knows a guy...
"Uh, yeah. I know a guys or two... Don't everypony?"
Babs Seed...
...tries the veal...
"They hay is veal?"
Forget about it...
...it's a story...
...bada-bing...
"The three of yous makin' fun 'a me?"
Babs Seed...
...could have us sleeping with the fishes...
"I got no clue whatcha talkin' 'bout!"
Babs Seed...
...We'll let you go and say something nice about you if you let us say something very mean about you...
"Eh... Well..."
Come on...
...It's an offer you can't refuse...
"A'right..."
Babs Seed...
... whacked her sister...
"Hit 'er? Maybe once... I don' remember."
These jokes are going right over her head...
Babs Seed...
...is pretty pretty...
"...Really?"
Now you know...
Babs Seed...
"W-Wait! You din' say if you meant that!" despite her protest, the stage started to shift and carry her out and into the darkness as she yelled back at the stage.
...You ever get that feeling you've left something undone...?
I know that feeling...
But you know what the difference is between you and me...?
I'm a reality bending super creature that can make those feelings go away by making everything and anything happen...
With just a simple...
-SNAP!-
(Pip)
(Discord)
Know your manticore, know your manticore, know your manticore...
...This was a really bad idea.
Under the spotlight, a furious manticore ravaged the stage. Pulling up the floor board, shredding the curtains, and just over all make a mess of everything in his sights.
How are we gonna get it out of here?
How'd you get it in here?
I thought you did
I thought the same.
Huh,
...
I wonder how Queeny's gonna get rid of it.
(Pip)
(Discord)
(Chrysalis)
Know Your Mare, know Your Mare, know Your Mare.
On the stage, a gray coated stallion happily occupied the spotlight.
"Mare? Again, really?"
If you would like we can always change it to filly.
"Mare is fine..."
Overlord-Flinx...
...is a writer.
"So, will we be just stating facts today?"
One,
"Huh?"
Overlord-Flinx...
...has loyal fans.
"Well, I guess you could say I do..."
Two,
"Why are-"
Overlord-Flinx...
...Is loyal to his loyal fans.
"Well, of course. Have I ever shown that I wasn't?"
Three,
"Seriously, why-"
Overlord-Flinx...
...Is lying.
"I believe you still haven't even given me any reason to lie yet."
Four,
"Will you-"
Overlord-Flinx...
...is a compulsive liar.
"Honestly, I haven't-"
Five.
"Stop that!"
Overlord-Flinx...
...has exceeded limitations.
"Was that a comple-"
"RED ALERT, RED ALERT."
"What is that?!"
"LIE CAPACITY HAS BEEN EXCEEDED."
That's our new lie detector, it goes off when somepony, like you, brakes the lying limit...
"PREPARING TO DISPOSES OF SOURCE."
I would suggest you start running.
Just then a green laser beam shot through Flinx's mane leaving behind a perfect round hole.
"Right."
Overlord-Flinx raced off the stage, barely dodging the various beams that shot at him on his way out.
Nice shooting Queeny, for a second there I almost thought you were actually aiming for him.
I wasn't supposed to?
(Anna, a floating puddle of ink)
(Tony, a big phoenix)
(Red, a turtle made of rocks)
So we are doing this show... Why?
Because it's fun! You like fun things, right?!
Sure...
THE SHOW HAS ALREADY STARTED, IDIOTS!
Whoops!
Know your mare Know your mare Know your pear
The spotlights move around for a few seconds before settling on a pink pegasus. She's startled by the sudden attention, but quickly regains her composure.
... What was that?
Sorry, I couldn't hold myself
DAMNIT RED, NOW WE HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN!
Uh, don't tell the viewers who we are, please.
Oh... Sorry.
"What are you talking about?"
NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!
Heart Daze...
"That's my name, yes."
...
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
What?!
She's so adorable.
"Thanks... I guess?"
Come on, don't be such a girl!
But I am a girl!
Fine, just leave.
Nah, I'm just joking. I can take it. Heart Daze is stupid.
"I've been called stupid so many times before that I'm used to it."
Woah, that's stupid.
Really stupid.
INCREDIBLY stupid!
"Stupid beyond belief."
Stuider than a laity!
Oooohh!!!
Dude, Noone's gonna get that joke.
What?!
Makes sense.
HEART DAZE IS DUMB!
"Yeah... what are we talking about again?"
We're talking about how stupid you are.
DUMB!
Adorable.
"Oh."
Heart Daze is sexy.
AND DUMB!
"What?"
Heart Daze...
IS DUMB!
Dude, can you stop that?
"Why? I find it funny."
Well, I don't, so shut up, idiot!
Are we done calling her stupid yet?
Fine. Heart Daze is a pegasus...
"Yes. Yes I am."
...who can't fly.
"I can to!"
Oh yeah?
"Yeah."
Prove it.
The pink pegasus extends her wings and takes off, leaving the floor.
Dumb move.
A click sounds as the pressure plate that was once the seat of the pink pegasus, releases a signal to the spotlights to focus on Heart Daze's eyes. The pegasus falls down with her eyes on fire, literally.
"What was that for?!"
I said you couldn't fly.
"I can fly, just not when you're blinding me with those f..."
A piano drops from the ceiling, landing right on Heart Daze.
Woah.
YOU GUYS WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DROP IT ON HER!
Well, it's not my fault she moved right to the spot the piano was gonna land!
Yeah, I think we might need a doctor.
Well, this went swimmingly!
You can't swim.
Shut up.
(Original crew)
...So... Who is this guy again...?
...Never Heard of him...
...Well... Apparently... He's not from around here, according to his file... These pictures are nice though...
...Pictures...?
...Here... Look for yourself...
...Not bad... Hey... heres one of you queeny...
...What type of art is this...?
...It says that its... Pixel art...?
...Explains the name... Lets get started...
...Hmm...
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
A spotlight shone down upon the lone stallion on stage. His coat and wings were a dull grey, his eyes were a golden brown, and his mane and tail were dark blue. He had twin saddle bags that bulged outwards from the contents. Under the left bag, a hilt stuck out from underneath the bag. A wooden bow was strapped upon his back. Hus cutie mark appeared to be a fist made out of boxes, with three golden triangles in the center. His expression was disinterest.
Pixel...
...gets lost a lot...
"Have you ever been inside a natural cave with no discernible landmarks? Its hard not to."
Pixel...
...hasn't had a partner in years...
"The places I go, the things I d-"
A sexual partner...
"Have you seen a female villager? That's fugly, with a capital Fug."
Pixel...
...Has no friends...
"I like being alone. Its better than having somepony around to mess with my stuff."
Pixel...
...is the major cause of deforestation...
"Hey! I replant tress! Sometimes... When I feel like it..."
Pixel...
...Once blew up a... Really...?... Once blew up a village...?
"I got bored."
...Thats... Evil...
"Chaotic good, I like to mess with ponies and not get thrown in jail..." A small smile grew on Pixel's face, "Or, like someone we all know, turned to stone."
...I was saving this for the end... But now seems good...
Pixel's art...
...Is horrible and nobody likes it...
The stallion's expression shifted violently, from cheekiness, to blind rage in an instant. With a growl, he lowered his front half and spread his wings. His wings did a single down beat, and he rocketed forward into the darkness.
"GRAAAAAH!"
The sound of breaking glass filled the studio.
...AHHH...! Get'em off...!
...Cap'n...!
...I like this guy...
"I'll show ya somethin' horrible that nobody likes!"
*CRACK*
...AHHH...Why is no one helping me...!?
...Ah'm afraid cap'n...!
(Grogar)
Discord, Chrysalis, and Pipsqueak suddenly found themselves on the stage. The three beings looked around in confusion, as they had only moments ago been sitting behind their panels. They looked ahead as a dark chuckle sounded from every corner of the studio.
“What is the meaning of this?” cried Chrysalis, always the first to be annoyed.
“Know your mare, Know your mare, Know your mare…” the dark voice responded mockingly, “So then, are you three ready?”
“Ready for what?” Discord gulped, as he and Pip edged closer to Chrysalis.
“Discord…wishes to wed Twilight Sparkle.”
“What? Is that it? Is that the best you’ve got?”
“Discord…does not deny his wish to wed Twilight Sparkle.”
“Hold on a minute. I don’t want to marry Twilight Sparkle. She’s a total dork.”
“Discord…is prejudiced against dorks.”
“Uh…Yeah. I guess so.”
“Discord…Is prejudiced against himself…”
“What? Are you calling me a dork, you--”
“Discord…Is a dork who wishes to wed Twilight Sparkle…”
“No I--”
“Now you know…Discord the hypocrite…”
Discord turned around to glare at the snickering duo behind him.
“I don’t mean anything against you cap’n,” Pip said, “But he got you pretty good…” The foal’s eyes suddenly went wide as the nightmarish voice called out his name.
“Pipsqueak…enjoys the company of Her Majesty, Princess Luna…”
“I…Guess…”
“Pipsqueak…is plotting to woo the mistress of the night.”
“…Wait! What did you say?”
“Pipsqueak…has aspirations of overthrowing Princess Celestia and ruling alongside his lover.”
“But I’m a kid! And we’re just friends! I don’t want to--”
“Pipsqueak…wishes to court Luna whilst in his childhood.”
“What kind of sick, twisted thought is that?!”
“Pipsqueak…is aware that his thoughts are sick and twisted.”
“ I…You…”
“Now you know…The future Emperor of Equestria, his Royal Highness King Pipsqueak.”
Pipsqueak quickly shuffled back in between Discord and Chrysalis. While Discord gave him a sympathetic pat on the back, Chrysalis couldn’t help but smirk at the foal. Or at least she did, until the voice boomed out.
“Her Majesty, Queen Chrysalis…”
“Yes?”
“…Must seek love in the guise of another mare.”
“I’m a changeling. It’s how we operate.”
“Queen Chrysalis…admits she cannot find love while
wearing her own face.”
“…What are you saying?”
“Queen Chrysalis…is aware that she is ugly.”
“Oh. Haha. Nice try.”
“Queen Chrysalis…is alone because she is ugly.”
“Really? I don’t hear anyone else up there with you either.”
“Queen Chrysalis…must kidnap stallions to court them.”
“How did you know--I mean--”
“Queen Chrysalis…tried to do things with Shining Armor.”
“Nothing happened! Nothing at all! I would not degrade myself in such a manner!”
“Queen Chrysalis…admits that even while disguised as one of the most beautiful mares in Equestria, she still couldn’t get--”
“Shut up! Just shut up!”
“Now you know…how pathetically alone Queen Chrysalis is.”
With this...
We conclude Know Your Mare...
And we also thank all the fans who've kept us around...
...See you in the last chapter...
...
..
.
Eh...
...Why not...?
I'm already splitting time space...
...May as well...
But what song should I Equestriaize for the crew to sing...?
...And I had to make a few deals here and there...
...But I found -just- the right one...
Brace yourselves...
Because I choose--
Cap'n...?
Yes...?
...Have you ever heard of rap...?
Of course...
...That's the stuff we use when don't eat Queeny's dinner so she puts it away for later even though we're just going to wait until it rots but that stuff keeps it fresh so we can't wait until it rots...
...Right...?
No...
...I mean the musical kind...
Oh...
...Don't look at me like that Hive-Mind...
...When you make us something that isn't predigested, we'll talk...
Well...
...I only ask because somepony sent in a script all in rap format...
Really...?
Yeah...
...And it goes a little something like this--
Know your mare, Know your mare, Know your mare,
Alright, I'm kicking it off! So who're we putting on stage tonight? Ah, a little orange pony who loves to write? And who goes by the name of Armalite! Loves to write horror and adventure! Which is what you had to go through to get a publisher!
Oh, I concur.
Of course you do, I've heard you like to rap.
That I do fair chap.
Then this'll be fun, Queeny, take it away.
So, I've read one of your stories as a school essay
Oh? And do, pray tell.
It was just one giant cliche! Your work should be left in a hole to decay! Beating you right now is child's play So bow down to the queen and obey! Alright Blank, have at him!
Oi! I've heard you read aloud in demonstrations! That made foals sick for generations! Listen up blank flank!
It's right there ya yank!
You can't rhyme better than the best! You can't even pass a simple math test! I just ain't impressed!
I suggest you all drop this contest Before I cause some civil unrest. I'm an honor guest, You three are but measly pests! I have one simple request,
Feeling distressed? A little depressed? Starting to lose your zest?
Don't protest with the police out for your arrest!
...Just give me the signal and we can light this party up...
Easy...
...We need to wait for Chrysy...
Refer to me as Chrysalis or Queeny...
I thought you hated Queeny...?
I've grown used to it...
...I have also finished my part in your plan...
Excellent...
...Let's go greet our guests...
Ponyville had become all a buzz with the sudden arrival of so many visitors from all over the world; to the point that the town itself was already brimming to burst with such an overflow of ponyfolk. Everyone was chattering among the crowds, trying to figure out why everyone was not only out of their homes, but why so many visitors had dawned on the town. Twilight Sparkle however hung close to her mentor, Princess Celestia, who had arrived with the mass of others. "This doesn't add up..." Twilight muttered to herself, "why would so many ponies come to Ponyville with no clear reason...?"
"I came because I was told my sister was having a celebration here," Celestia admitted.
"I ventured here myself for the near same reason," Luna pointed out as she came to Celestia's side.
Twilight could hear many other reasons mixed in above the chatter. Charity, tea party, poetry slam, something about a box... So many reasons, but not one the same. And not one of them being realized. She continued to ponder this development when suddenly a voice echoed through the city. "Awww... You all showed up for the party," many ponies froze up when they heard that recognizable voice.
"He wouldn't..."
"But I would!" out from the thin air above the town, Discord appeared with his joyful laugh. "Welcome everypony... And griffon... and dragon... and whatever the doctor is..."
"I'm a--"
"Welcome to our farewell show of Know Your Mare!" a roar of applause and whistled came out from nowhere and Discord bowed to the non-existent praise.
In contrary, all of the gathered ponies and alike groaned in one synchronized group. "I thought you blew up your stage? It was all over the news!" Rainbow Dash yelled from atop a building she and a bunch of other pegasus were.
"That's right! You don't have your stage any more. You can't belittle us any more!" Rarity joined in.
"Oh gosh... You're absolutely right..." Discord slapped his own cheek in dramatic, "I so carelessly destroyed my one and only stage... Well, except that stage."
"What stage?" Twilight Sparkle asked confused.
"This one..." Discord snapped his fingers and all of Ponyville began to quake. Everypony looked around in a mount of confusion. Suddenly, the ground of Ponyville began to grow sleek and metallic. In the distance, the trees outlining Ponyville began to sink into the ground, or so it appeared. Ponyville itself was starting to be lifted off the earth as the ground continued to turn into a glossy surface. "You like it? I turned all of Ponyville into my new stage!"
"...HOW!?" Everyone shouted out as one.
"Well... technically it's not Ponyville... it's an exact replica I built next to Ponyville... You can actually see Ponyville right over there," Discord pointed yonder at a distant village being cloaked behind a cluster of trees.
"...How did you--"
"Get you all to Phoneyville without you noticing? Now I could tell you how I did it... But I wouldn't want to insult your intelligence," Discord said sincerely with a look down at Twilight Sparkle.
"Oh. Well, thanks for being--Wait a minute!"
"I would wait a minute if I had a minute, but I've only got four minutes to rock the world!" With another snap of his talon, every unicorn lost their horn and each pegasus slammed into the ground as their wings poofed away from them. "You're all too great. You even got rid of your only means of escaping the show. You shouldn't have."
"We didn't have a choice!" the mass of ponies shouted back at Discord.
"We all have choices... Just like Pippy has a choice whether to blow up the train or not," with a soft gesture, Discord motioned to Pipsqueak positioning a rather large cannon at the stationed rail cart.
Pipsqueak pulled his head out from behind it and gave everyone gathered around a little wave, "Don' fret! It's loaded wi' mashed potatoes! Still got enough push ta' knock over a trolley though!"
"But it's not a troll--" Before Gilda could finish pointing out the obvious, a clump of white hot potatoes nailed her against a wall, followed by a very load click as Pipsqueak reloaded.
"Next one's squash... Who wants ta' try me?" Pip warned as he shifted his cannon around from side to side.
Discord wiped a finger under his eye with a little sniffle as he watched Pip control the crowd. "I taught him everything he knows... So who's ready to start?"
"Discord! This is ridiculous!" Princess Celestia finally spoke up, looking a bit off without her horn and wings, "The Royal Guards will notice I nor Luna have returned and come searching for us."
"Oh! Glad you brought that up! You see, Chrysalis has already moved a changeling into all of you spots -each and everypony here- so nobody will notice you're missing... It was a perfect plan..."
"Princess Celestia, are you feeling alright?"
"Princess Celestia is feeling as well as Princess Celestia normally does on any normal day... Normally... Throw yourself in the dungeon for questioning me, Princess Celestia... Who is me."
"Awwww..."
"A flawless plan... But enough beating around the bush, we got you all here..." Discord suddenly disappeared along with Pipsqueak and the sky slowly turned dark.
So let's party...!
"I'm having horrible flashbacks..."
It's funny you say that Twilight Sparkle...
...Because you're going first...!
"Why? Why do you always pick on me?"
You ruined my game...
...You turned me to stone...
You undermined my plans...
You had a princess scare me...
AND THAT'S JUST HOW WE MET!
"...Let's just get this over with..."
OH!
WE WILL!
...
AFTER A SHORT BREAK!
"Why are you taking--" Once more, the cannon fired, this time with a large clump of squished squash paste and nailed Twilight Sparkle against a wall.
As per request and ill foreseen contracting errors...
We at Know Your Mare productions are to present...
Know Your Mare the musical...
...All copy written material is to be souly placed on the actors...
...Actors that have not once--
Just enjoy the show...
Know Your Mare's stage had its single spotlight set on the form of Discord as he sat on a chair, his head hung low as a slow song began to play.
I've paid no dues~~...
Every single time~~...
I escape my sentence~~...
After committing some crime~~...
Discord's head lifted up slightly, his eyes furrowing with determination as he continued to sing.
And bad mistakes~~...
They made a few~~...
I kicked my share of sand in a pony face~~!
But they kicked too~~!
With a sharp scratch, the music changed entirely and Pip came out from off the stage with his own spotlight on him, just running across the stage while singing.
P-p-p-pokah' face, p-p-pokah' face~~!
Wha-wha-wha-what?
P-p-p-pokah' face, p-p-pokah' face~~!
Wai-wai-wai-wait!
The spotlight on Pip flashed off again, leaving Discord alone while his music returned with a few skipped bars.
I've taken my bows~~...
And my curtain calls~~...
I can make fame and fortune and anything I could ever want~~...
Who needs you all~~...?
But it's been no bed of roses~~...
No pleasure cruise~~...
That's why I play tricks on the whole pony race~~!
'Cause I can never lose~~!
Yet again, the musical track switched and Pip ran across the stage.
P-p-p-pokah' face, p-p-pokah' face~~!
Pip!
Yes Cap'n?
Why are you singing that?
I thought we were gonna sing Pokah' Face...
Hmm...
...A good choice...
But no...
Really...?
I guess Queeny was righ'...
Right about what...?
Suddenly, the music neither of them were singing to disappeared and everything fell silent for a moment. With the same suddenness, a strong strike of music started playing with the mix of guitars, piano, and booming drums. The stage itself began to ring around with green fire that shot up to the ceiling while the center of the stage split open wide, sending smoke around the legs of Discord and Pip. Out from the smoke, Chrysalis darted up into the air, fanning the flames with her wings as she summoned up a great strength.
On a cold winter morning~~!
In the time before the light~~!
The swarm's flame, eternal reign~~!
We overtake like night~~!
Chrysy?
When the royals have fallen down~~!
And my horde attack on sight~~!
The sound of evil laughter falls~~!
Upon your world tonight~~!
Chrysy!
Feeding hard, feeding on the last of their love~~!
Back to our wastelands forevermore~~!
CHRYSY!
The music died down and so did the fires as Chrysalis landed next to the others with a frown.
What...?
What are you singing...!?
Through the Fire and Flames...
...Wasn't that what we were doing...?
No...!
So we were going to do Poker Face...?
No...
Then what are we doing...?
I don't know anymore...
Phenomenal Discord...
You've found one last way to mess up something for all of us...
...Bravo...
...Pipsqueak...?
Yes Cap'n...?
Play track seven...
...Can I sing back up...?
Of course...
With a little click of Pipsqueak's hoof, the music that remained of Chrysalis' faded away completely and was replaced by a tapping start of a new song.
Come on Chrysalis~~...
Have fun Chrysalis~~!
You're always being such a mule~~!
Chrysalis rolled her eyes, but both Discord and Pipsqueak could see a smile cracking up behind her face.
We'd like to take you to a party~~...
But you won't let us get a word in on it~~!
We'd like to take you into town to by sweets~~...
But you get bitter about it every time~~!
Chrysy~~!
Alright you two...
...I receive the message loud and clear...
We're just funning Queeny...!
You know we love you...!
Yes...
...I'm sure...
We got any more time Cap'n...?
Hmmm...
I think we have time for just one more tune...
...And I know just the one...
Discord and Pipsqueak both looked confused at Chrysalis' willingness to play a song. They braced themselves for something along the lines of "Be Prepared", but as the music started playing with an oddly upbeat tone, they looked at Chrysalis again.
In the end, I won't be with you~~!
You will go where your dreams come true~~!
But the times that we have gone through~~!
Will always mark us best friends~~...
Tearful smiles came across Discord and Pipsqueak as they hugged Chrysalis; Discord around her neck and Pip tight against her leg.
Here we were, odds put to adventure~~...
Danger lurked always in our darkness~~!
We had set for surprises!But never battles~~!
We're a team!Only Derpy ever mess with us~~...
If we stand as one, we're something to fear~~...
We'll hide in the darkness, but we'll stay real near~~!
...They are currently out numbered by the mass of ponies and alike they've gathered...
...How will they get out of this one...?
"Heroes?" Twilight Sparkle almost laughed as she was pealed off from the wall.
"Get out of this? You're the ones who brought--" Chh-chh! "--Never mind..."
I thought so Rainbow Dash...
Now...
We're going to go in order of everyone who shamed us...
Starting with Twilight Sparkle...
"Can we just hurry this up?"
Why...?
Not like you have a hot date or anything...
WOOOOOOOAH!
The crowd itself went into some "Woahs" of their own.
Buckin' got her...!
"When was the last time you had a date that didn't have to be hypnotized or think you're someone else?" With Twilight's rebuke, the crowd made a louder "woah" then before.
OOOOOO!
Rebuttal got her!
Moving on...
Twilight Sparkle...
...makes Trixie pay rent...
"Rent for--OH! You're the ones that have been spreading that rumor! I should've known!"
"I AM NOT POOR!" Trixie screeched over the crowd.
Trixie...
...with that ratty mane, she could've fooled me...
"It is not ratty!"
Judges...?
Ratty...
Really ratty...
I think I see some cheese it's so ratty...
"In no way is my beautiful mane ratty."
That's what you think...
Fire!
Out from the side of Pipsqueak's cannon came a cage filled with crazed rats. The cage was linked to the load-out on the side and aimed at Trixie before firing a clump of rats at her, sending the mare into a screaming fit as they crawled all over her and into her hair.
Calm down...
They're trained...
...Trained to attack anything with silver hair, a blue coat, and a wand on their flank...
...Plus they don't have teeth or claws...
...So stop whining...
Where were we...?
Right...
Twilight Sparkle...
...hates squirrels...
"No I don't..."
Then why do we have detailed pictures here of you hitting this squirrel with a goat's leg...?
"Gee, I wonder how a lord of chaos could have gotten that...?"
...We're done with her...
But...
No...
...If she's going to be mean about it...
"I'm mean? You're the one making up stories!"
Applejack...
...can't spell fun...
"...T-That all yer' gonna say...?"
Yeah...
...I mean...
If you prove us wrong that is...
"Sure I can prove that wrong!" Applejack smiled with pride. Despite all the shakes of 'no' she got from everyone else, she went on. "It's spelled, F-U--"
WOAH!
Applejack!
This is a family show...
"All I did was... Oh tarnation!"
Cap'n...
...I feel that the mean lady just kicked me innocence...
You hear that Applejack...?
You're kicking Pippy's innocence...
"But yer the--"
I don't want your excuses...
Fluttershy's turn...
So...
Fluttershy...
"Y-Y-Yes...?"
...what is two plus two...?
"...Four?"
Correct...
Fluttershy...
...how many elements of harmony are there...?
"Six...?"
Right again...
Fluttershy...
...if I have ten apples and I give one away, how many do I have left...?
"Nine..."
Fluttershy...
...four-six-nine...
A few snickers came out from the group and Discord at that collection of numbers. "W-what?"
Just means were done now with you...
...It also spells out what ninety percent of your fans want you in...
Sweetie Belle...
...was once hit by a stepladder...
Sweetie Belle quickly threw her legs above her head and shielded herself. In good timing too since a ladder was thrown at her from atop a house. "HAH!" She yelled back at them the exact moment a stepladder was tossed from behind her and banged her on the back of the head.
HAH!
The first was a ladder, Sweetie Belle...
It was a decoy...!
DECOY!
Moving on...
Gilda...
...is still basted against a wall...
Pinkie Pie...
...could have ruled with us...
...We could have made her the greatest weapon of our time...
"Win some, lose some."
That is true...
...And for that reason...
...We will leave you alone along with a few flunkies here...
I'M LOOKING AT YOU SILVER SPOON!
To crush you would take too long...
...and the rest are of no use or entertainment to us...
You know the ones I'm talking about...
...Silver Spoon...
"Okie-dokie!"
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna...
...are scientifically trying to authenticate monkey cheese...
"What sort of insanity dost thou speak of? Your science is nay able to reach such levels."
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna...
...Are hogging all of the good science for themselves...
"How does one go about 'hogging' science?" Luna questioned.
"Our scientific breakthroughs haven't even reached television yet..."
Yeah...
...You're--
WAIT A SECOND!
How do you know what a television is...?!
"Uhhhhhhhhh..." the two princess said together, looking around frantically. "The... Internet..."
Oh...
...We're sorry for jumping to conclusions there...
Really...
...Egg on our faces...
Doctor Whooves...
"Yes?"
PEAR!
Once more, Pipsqueak's cannon coughed out a large clump of mush, this time composed of pear mush and peals. The clump slammed the Doctor into the stone floor with a splat when the mush oozed out around him.
There we are...
...Right as rain...
Rarity...
...is a gem digger...
"It serves in relation to my magical ability, yes..."
Rarity...
...is dangerous...
Is she super bad...?
Yeah...
...So you better watch out...
Or she'll take my cash...?
Why...?
Because she's a gem~~ digger...
She's a gem~~ digger...
"I... I don't get it..."
Before your time...
Spike...
...is lucky...
"I am?"
Yeah...
...Pip here is giving you his treasure chest after the show...
"Wow! Really?"
Yeah...
...We thought you needed it more...
Seeing as you're probbably getting tired of trying to get Rarity's booty...
WOOOOOOOOOAH!
Yet again, the crowd joined in with their own hoots while Spike went red in his scale face.
Ah...
...End on a high note I say...
"Are you done?"
Yes Twilight Sparkle...
...We're done...
Know Your Mare...
...Is over...
"YES!"
But...
"NO!"
...Before we go...
...We want to say...
Thank you...
We've done a lot of bad things to you...
...And it was pretty fun for us...
But in the cross of all that...
...Some of you have been hurt too much...
We don't WANT to make anyone feel too bad...
So...
The cannon of Pipsqueak's rattled one last time, growing much much larger and targeting the mass of guests.
Firing in three...
"What is that thing?" Twilight Sparkle along with much of the other ponies screamed.
"Pipsqueak... Can I speak to you for a moment after class?" Cheerilee called Pip back into her classroom after the bell had sounded the rest of the school ponies back home.
He scampered back to his teacher and looked up at her curiously. "Somethin' ya need, teach?"
"Not really. I just wanted to congratulate you on this fantastic report personally." Cheerilee flashed a stapled pile of papers to the young colt. "I mean... Some of the other students carried out their reports just fine and some took on the service projects. But you Pip? You not only did both, but the details and official markings on these are astounding!"
Pipsqueak smiled sheepishly and rubbed at the floor with one of his hooves. "T-Thank ya', teach... I really liked doin' it."
"What my favorite part of this report was your final paragraph... may I?"
"Please, go 'head."
Cheerilee put the papers down and went to the select page, preparing to read it out-loud. "'I had heard these stories that if you lied, nothing good could come of it. But, that can't be true from what I've learned. Lying doesn't have to hurt anyone. And in some ways, lying can make someone laugh, or feel better. All that matters is that once you do do something that hurt someone, you make right on it and fix it in the end. I know that to lie will never be something to be proud of; but to bring someone some sort of joy for just a moment is worth something. I had seen many people smile, laugh, blush, hurt, and a real lot of other things. But I had also seen, at the very end, right as I write this, relief can be found after the chaos.' That's very well worded, Pip."
"Thank ya... But... I did have help writin' it..." Pipsqueak smiled and started to leave.
"Who helped you?"
"Me Cap'n... And me queen!" He laughed in response before darting out into the day. "Now you know me report...!"
Cheerilee looked far confused but smiled all the same when she closed the report. When she left the room, she left the report sitting on her desk.
Know Your Mare. A Report by Pipsqueak.
Signed of by Earl of Pudding and Admiral Trade-wind.
King Sombra, former ruler of the Crystal ponies and current resident of the Canterlot Jailhouse, sharing a cell with one Derpy Hooves, sat calmly for the longest time until he heard a knock at his cell door. Inmates were free to open their cells as they saw fit, but knew that if they tried to exit the jail, they would get teleported right back to their cell again. When he opened the door, King Sombra found himself flying onto his back as a fist punched him square in the snout.
And don't you EVER try to steal my Riceicles again!
What is there left to say? Nothing really. So, I will just take this time, with all of your attentions to say one last thing.
Thank you.
Know Your Mare was started with a horrible idea, and that horrible idea only grew more and more horrible with each chapter. But honestly, I enjoy a little horrible now and then. I personally enjoyed writing this story, posting a chapter, and having my inbox flooded with messages... Granted near a quarter of them were hate letters. But, it still felt great to a point to write and complete this story for everyone. I don't know who makes up my watchers or people that stand by and read the stories I put out, but I really like them. Know Your Mare served its purpose of drawing attention to me so my other stories could start to grow. In that regard, Know Your Mare was my greatest success.
I started my quest to become well known and well recognized on this site almost one year ago. Thanks to Know Your Mare and everyone who comments and reads my work, that goal is nearly reached. Standing at my 436 watchers of today, I am beyond any level of honored. I wish I could give you all so much more, and in the time of now and the year anniversary, I will be doing all I can to update and set stories up that all of you enjoy. Even after that date, I will keep going. I have no reason to stop as long as I have those at my back to push my onward.
There is nothing else to say at this point besides... Well...
Now you know...
Know Your Mare...
And aren't you glad you did?
(Imagine I had a heartfelt picture of Chrysalis, Discord, and Pipsqueak hugging right here... Or someone could go make that then I would put it here... The sentiment is there, alright? Just pretend.)
The remains of what used to be Know Your Mare studios. Burnt to the ground, decimated by several brands of explosives, broken down by hammers and hooves alike. What remained of the charred site was only a testament to the torture and humiliation that so many were forced through for sick enjoyment. The site had not been touched in months since it was destroyed by the three rogues that abandoned it for whatever reason. Over time, everypony just forgot about it and it became just a footnote in the pages of history. But... Like all of history... It always seems to crawl back.
It was rather strange that the site still smoked given the time that had passed from when it was first destroyed; but no one was complaining. Especially now since no one was there. Except for the one being standing off to the side of the wreckage, looking over it with slumped shoulders and a even more crooked look than he usually had.
On and on...
We grew sick of their moping and complaining...
Just complaining none stop...
So we were done...
A few of the bricks left in the wreckage of the crater started to rattle against the smouldering black earth. One by one, bricks and beams started to shimmy across the floor, pulled by an unseen force.
So and so...
We blew our stage for a grand ending...
To end all the resenting...
Suddenly, all of the bricks and support beams snapped to life and swarmed to the air, piecing themselves together as the soot covering them clacked off and many of them were being repaired by the same force. Beams slammed into the ground in familiar slots while bricks lined themselves up to one another on the deepest reaches of the crater.
BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON~~~~~~~!
BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON~~~~~~~!
Discord pressed his paw into his chest as he started singing more opera-esque, willing the site of destruction to build to his will.
My jokes were always gold...!
That's what my fans had told...!
This is my job and destiny...!
Even with the clambering of stones and metal against one another, Discord could still hear the voice coming from behind him as it took control of the song.
SO OUR SHOW MUST GO ON~~~~~~!
SO OUR SHOW MUST GO ON~~~~~~!
The lord of chaos turned to see his little buddy coming, along with someone even he was surprised to see. When he opened his mouth to speak, he was even more shocked by that ice queen Changeling starting to sing
Do not ask to why I am here...
Even I do not know why I am here...
Maybe I was persuaded to well by...
Pip here~~~...
Discord seized the two up into his arms and hugged the life out of them as he willed the site to start being pieced together with greater pace.
HERE OUR SHOW WILL GO ON~~~~!
HERE OUR SHOW WILL GO ON~~~!
Be rude to guests...
Kick in their knees...
Why not be mean and not so cruel...?
Both Chrysalis and Discord snickered at Pipsqueak's comment as they were all placed back against the ground. When they all looked to what used to be a destroyed land, they saw a mighty new building being finished off... Somehow much bigger then the last one.
This si~~~te is now done~~...!
Let's start our fun~~~...!
Brake out our list...!
A list? We don't have a list~~~!
So we don't~~~!
If only you'd postpone~~~!
Don't tell me what to do~~~!
Stop arguing, both of you~~!
Dear Pippy, that is true~~~!
We've got some lying to do~~~!
Since when is that new...?
"Alright, enough of your nay-saying..." Discord pointed a sharp finger at Chrysalis, prompting a moment of silence as the three stood by one another.
To their side, the newly constructed site was glowing brightly as the sun hit against the new white finish that somehow made it across without any actual painting products in sight. All at once, they turned towards the building and took even steps together, entering a new world before them.
The newly designed stage's floor lights that seemed to illuminate all around the guest seemed to be put to waste with this rather small first guest. The guest himself didn't seem to interested either.
Angel...
...wears a bra made out of pudding skins...
"..." the bunny hopped up and down on stage, squeaking out bits of defiance at the comment.
Thank you Angel...
...it IS hard to fit into women's pants...
Angel...
...was hit by a sack of frozen butter lettuce once...
Angel stopped hopping for a moment, exchanging his angry expression for one of confusion. Before he could squeak out an answer, a burlap sack was flung across the stage and nailed the little rabbit in the head and chest, sending him firmly against the floor.
Angel...
...was hit by a sack of frozen butter lettuce now...
This time, Angel grunted a reserved squeak as he pushed the surprising heavy bag of vegetables off of him to stand back up.
Angel...
...Is late...
He's late...?
For a very important date...!
Well...
...No time to say goodbye...!
He's late...!
He's late...!
He's late...!
Angel seemed to want to make a motion on that, but was cut off as a roar of cheering and clapping consumed the stage. Begrudgingly, the rabbit moved off of the stage, stomping his little long feet against the cold floor on his way out.
I paid this unicorn with a curly mustache to write it for me...
Blank...!
What did I say about talking to pones with curly mustaches...?
That nobody has a curly mustache and it's just a disguise...
That's right...
...That's not even on the list of stupid things you have taught the child...
If it's not on the list, that means I've been teaching him more than a list long worth of things...!
And I worry for him with each one...
...So why did you require papers...?
This is the list we'll be doing guests by...
Oh...
...Well that's rather orderly of you...
...I am actually genuinely impre-- and you're lighting the list on fire now...
Mhm...
Do you know why...?
Because for some ungodly reason you feel the need of destroying every degree of sanity I could possibly possess each passing moment the two of us sadly share the same cosmic presence with one another...?
Close...
I had it made to symbolize that we won't be doing any order what so ever...
...No books or laws about it...
...We'll do everything at random...
...Then why did you even send the boy out to make the list...?
Because for some ungodly reason, I feel the need to destroy every degree of your sanity possible...
"What is the meaning of this!?" The mare on center stage roared as lightning seemed to crack out from the darkness behind her, adding more of a boom to her voice.
No lightning effects unless we authorize it...
...We have a lightning budget and you're already burning it out...
"Oh my deepest apologies, sir. It won't happen again."
Goo--
The darkness cracked with a little bolt of lightning once again. "Go on..."
Nightmare Moon...
...needs more souls...
"Souls aren't really a part of my plan..."
Nightmare Moon...
...her plan is to agriculturally ruin her kingdom by depriving it of sunlight...
"It's a bit more complicated then--"
As well as slowly killing off ponies by robbing them of vital vitamin C...
"They had oranges."
Nightmare Moon...
...thinks oranges grow in the dark...
"I did not exactly say that."
Nightmare Moon...
... suffers from short term memory loss...
"I most certainly do not!"
Nightmare Moon...
...forgot that she suffers from short term memory loss...
"I AM NOT SOME SENILE OLD GOAT! I have NO form of memory loss!"
Nightmare Moon...
...is talking smack about Grogar...
"...Who?"
See...?
Memory loss...
"SILENCE YOU WHELP!" Lightning cracked against the darkness once more, followed by the charge of thunder.
Hey!
Stop doing that...!
You're scaring the little colt...
"Scaring the little colt!? Scaring the little colt!? You weak-minded--"
Now you know...
Nightmare Moon the child hater...
"I do not hate children!"
Well they hate you...
She wanted to rebuke that, but as she stood there in thought, she dropped her hoof and walked off with a look of realization across her helmet covered face.
That is until she finds out that Cadance didn't sign her kingdom over to her...
True...
...But that won't be for days...
...Weeks maybe...
Alright...
...We're all set...
Good...
...Let's start the show...
"While I myself am one who honors the art of trade -it being a prime source for proper business- I must protest... Now, I am not saying that my cloak meant anything to me, however... How could you have traded my cape for six dozen doughnuts!?"
"You didn't have a home-made cake, so I made do..."
They're just HANDING her to us on a silver plater...
If I could marry this moment, I would...
...Ah...
What the heck...!
I will marry this moment...!
But!
The wedding will come later...
...We have a 'princess' to beat up...
Cap'n...?
Can we start now...?
Bah...!
Just like your mother...
...Never in the mood for foreplay...
We have different ideas of foreplay...
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
Center stage, which had welcomed many different ponies and the sort was now treated to the repeat visit of the show's very first guest. Though her body was changed, and attire as well, the purple pony before them still seemed the same.
Twilight Sparkle...
...likes looking at Rarity's flank...
"I just noticed something strange was off about it that day. And, of course, my assumption was correct."
Twilight Sparkle...
...has ASSumptions about all her friends' flanks...
"And I was right about all of them. So, you can't belittle me."
Twilight Sparkle...
...has trained everyone in Ponyville to dance and sing in an entire organized chorography whenever she wakes up in the morning...
"Well, I... Ponyville is already a fairly music oriented town... But I never forced them to dance in the morning whenever I wake up. That's ridiculous!"
Twilight Sparkle...
...is hell bent on de-constructing every feminist movement for the past century...
"Oh, I see. Just because I'm a princess now as the grand end for all of my training, you're trying to say that I'm unravelling everything feminists and our messages thus far have been trying to teach. Is that about right? WRONG! Princess-hood or not, I am still me. Titles don't change who you are, what you are, or what you stand for. What the title 'princess' has given me is nothing that my abilities and friends have already given me. To think otherwise is ignorant and obnoxious in itself."
Twilight Sparkle...
...looks very pretty in her armor...
"Pretty what? Come on, hurry up with the insult."
No...
...Just pretty...
Mhm...
...It suits you...
"...Thanks...?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...is trying to replace Star Swirl the Bearded...
"I wouldn't say I was trying to replace him. I'm just picking up where he left off."
Twilight Sparkle...
...aren't you a little young to be a princess...?
"I... I don't think so. I mean, Princess Celestia had to start at some age too. Maybe it was around my age."
Twilight Sparkle...
...has no king or queen above her...
"Technically true."
Twilight Sparkle...
...is there for a queen...
"Not tech--"
Queen it up bitch...!
"Now that's uncalled for..."
No...
...those wings are uncalled for...
"They aren't hurting anypony. They're just wings. Didn't we already go over how this doesn't change me?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...thinks wings aren't useful enough to count as being different...
"In my case, yes. In other cases, as in if you were born with them, that's your birth given talent."
Twilight Sparkle...
...holds the record for ruining the world and fixing it in under twenty-four hours...
"That's not something to be proud of... albeit true in a way."
Twilight Sparkle...
...could have turned Rainbow Dash into her past gen self...
"I don't understand the statement..."
Let's hope it stays that way...
...Lord have mercy if Rainbow Dash got Rarity's Cutie mark...
...Darling...
Stop that...!
"Are you done?"
What...?
Oh...!
Sorry Sue...
Forgot you were there...
"...Sue?"
Mary...
...is an INSPIRATION to us all...!
"That's what Princess Celestia said. I wouldn't go far as to say that, but it is nice to have it said anyway."
Mary Sue...
...will have to move to Canterlot to hold her growing ego...
"First, I'm not moving out of my house. Second, my ego is not growing. Third, Mary Sue?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...is a music hog...
"Music hog?"
Four songs...?
Who needs four songs sung in one day...?
"It was a special day! And even my mentor and friends got to sing through out the day too."
Giving the table scraps of music doesn't count as sharing...
And sharing is caring...
Twilight Sparkle...
...almost made everyone's wish come true...
"When?"
About five seconds after the elements activated and seemed to vaporize you...
We were so close...
...So close...
...EARLIER THAT DAY...
...Did that spell just turn Twilight into a pile of ash...?
...
...
...YES!
BACK TO THE SHOW!
NO!
So...
...So...
...So close...
"Gee. Heart warming..."
Twilight Sparkle...
...is one step closer to taking her brother back from Cadance...
"He's her husband. I wouldn't break them apart."
Twilight Sparkle...
...almost destroyed Equestria's economy in a single day...
"It was an accident. I admit, I should have been much more careful. But I fixed it with the help of my friends."
Twilight Sparkle...
...above anything is not an inspiration to anyone...
...she IS everyone...
...she shows a hope that if you dedicate, try, apply, and stand firm...
...you can do what everyone thinks is impossible or even crazy...
...maybe being a princess isn't setting a good example for someone who looked up to her...
...but is seeing her force feed a bird a good example...?
...is watching her panic and ruin a lot of ponies' day because she didn't take time to think a good example...?
No...
...It's not...
But what does that even matter...?
She didn't get to be a princess because it sounds cute or every fillies dream...
...She got it because she earned it...
And earning something is worth more than any amount of insults or belittling you can throw at someone like her...
Now you REALLY know...
PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle...
Twilight didn't say a word. All she did was bow her head and slowly walked off stage, the clocking of her golden boots echoing against the silent room.
...Well--
Not now...
...No comments...
...It's not dignified to speak behind a royal's back...
The voice echoed across the near empty stage and around the small colt standing proud as the voice sounded.
Pipsqueak...
...grows phaseolus lunatus in the gaps in his hooves...
"What's Fas-oreos lunatics?"
Lima beans...
"Oooooh..."
Fas-oreos lunatics are what the Dovakhiin dunks in milk while in the nut-house...
"Really?"
Pipper Pan...
...keeps butter under his hat...
"But Cap'n, I don't wear an 'at."
Scottie Pippen...
...hates riceicles...
"Madness! No mare, stallion, or anythin' in the world can resist the wonderful taste of riceicles."
Pip-Pap-Patty-Whack...
...doesn't know how to accessorize...
"Is that 'cause I don' wear an 'at? Mum said 'ats are like crowns and crowns are for plebs."
Did she really say "pleb"...?
"No... But I can't say what she said... I'm a good pony."
Pippermint Patty...
... is player of the year...
"I am? I thought Luna was playah' of the year?"
Not video games...
"Oooooh... Soccer?"
No...
"Drop-ball?"
No...
"The spoons?"
No--
How do you play the spoons...?
You don't have hands...
"...I don't know..."
Anyway...
No...
I mean you're a player...
...As in you have multiple partners...
"...Basket ball?"
Sigh...
...Like a brick wall...
Piptimus Prime...
...won't stop until all are one...
"All are one what?"
All are one what indeed...
Clever-use-of-the-name-Pip...
...wrote his own fan fiction...
"N-No I didn't!"
Now you know--
Wait...
...Did you...?
"N-No, Cap'n! Nevah'!"
...You did, didn't you...?
"Uh-uh-uh..." Pip scanned around him quickly before slamming his hoof on the stage floor. "SMOKU TART!" With a puff of smoke, Pip faded into the cover and left the stage clouded.
A strong, brown coated unicorn stood with in the stage lights. He didn't seem all too bothered by the echoing voices, but with his red hair covering one of his eyes, it was fairly hard to tell.
Chaotic Noteworthy...
...is an Earth Pony with a colored ice-cream cone glued to his head...
"No. Not really. I'm a unicorn. I'm just not magically gifted."
Chaotic Noteworthy...
...uses book pages as a blanket...
"N... once. I forgot where my cot was, and the library in the Castle was cold that day. I said I was sorry."
Chaotic Noteworthy...
...Is the leader of the 10th division...
"I am. Thank you--"
Which means that he's such a bad leader...
...They gave him the -tenth- best team...
That's worse than "F"...
"The number doesn't mean that!"
Chaotic Noteworthy...
...believes anything his superiors tell him...
"It doesn't mean that! It's just the tenth filled team."
I bet you were picked last foot kick ball...
"Ugh!"
Chaotic Noteworthy...
...has it bad for Luna...
"T--"
Now you know--
No...
...let him talk...
Did you ever write any poetry for her...
...Girly-colt...?
"Actually. I have. Let me just--" Before another word could leave him, the stage opened up under him and produced a pair of giant gloved hands. Swiftly, the two hands grabbed the stallion and dragged him under with only a short yelp from him.
A bit disturbed by the sudden outburst, the black and red pegasus jerked at his back and furled his wings against his tall body.
Really...?
Who let this one in...?
The manager...
Seriously...?
We're letting THOSE in now...?
Now come on...
...give him a chance...
Here's his papers...
...Now be a good sport...
Alright alright...
Brilliant Verve--
Creative...
Cap'n...
Fine...
Brilliant Valve...
"It's Verve."
Not anymore it is...
...needs a mane cut...
"What're you on about? My mane isn't long."
Sure it's not...
...if you're Cousin It...
"Who?"
Watch a black and white show some time...
Brilliant Valve...
"Verve."
I wish you were a valve...
...could turn you off if you were...
"Clever... nit..."
...What did you just call me Cap'n...?
WOAH!
No Brit offs...
...Let's keep it clean...
...Pleb...
"Bloody, you want me to come up there?"
Bring it Red Riding Hood...!
Brilliant Valve...
"Verve...!"
...is smarter than Starswirl the Bearded...
"I have proven many of his theories wrong. So I--"
WRONG!
Starswirl was never wrong...
...You just weren't looking at them right...
"I certainly was. And I can--"
Tired...
Now you know...
Brilliant Valve...
"You never said my name right once... They don't even know my name, you bloody nits."
Oh...
Before he leaves...
...Can we test this fact on the list...?
...I think we have time...
"What fact?"
That you have a high threshold for pain...
"I wouldn't say it's--" the next words he spoke only came out as dry, heavy exhales of beaten breath while a large wooden mallet proceeded to bludgeon the pegasus against the stage floor. Every time he stood back up to retort, the hammer would fall back down swiftly, crushing him back against the stage.
See...?
Even these kind of characters can be entertaining...
A real sight was brought to the stage today. On the center of the stage was a blue pony with an unusual set of wings. Wings that belonged to a dragon by nature.
Fire Heart...
...Is living proof that dragonies can live...
"Drag--?"
Did I say you could talk...?
"Little curtsy would be nice."
Fire Heart...
...thinks I'm my co-workers...
"Giving someone a chance to talk isn't--"
Fire Heart...
...has a tattoo for a cutie mark...
"It's just a dark background on it. It's real."
Real ink maybe...
Fire Heart...
...Can breathe fire...
"Now that's really true."
Even though in an anatomy and biological sense, doing that would undoubtedly kill him...
"I'm half-- You know what? You're just judging me like everyone else because I'm not 'normal'."
No...
...I judge you because you're a pretentious piece of dung...
I lead a race of insectoid creatures with giant blue eyes...
...And we are still more accepted than you because we don't cry about it...
"Why you--"
Now you know...
Fire Heart...
"Give me a second! I've got a bone to pick with--" as he stepped forward, the floor started to move back on him and drag him out of the room and out to the darkness.
Sunset Shimmer held a wicked smirk on her face as the echoing voices moved through the dark stage room.
Sunset Shimmer...
...would enjoy this banana...
"Would I? If you think you know better than me, please. give me this banana to try."
Wooo...
Sorry...
...We ate it...
But you can always have this one...
...As we all know you're used to being the 'second banana'...
"That was way too much build up for such a bad joke."
Sunset Shimmer...
...doesn't want to spend her whole life waiting...
"Pretty much true."
Sunset Shimmer...
...Walks on sunshine...
"Is that some sort of song reference? Doesn't really matter. Walking on Sunshine just sounds ridiculous."
OOooOOOh...
We're telling Sunshine Smiles you said that...!
"...We don't have to tell him."
Yes we do...
"No. We don't."
Yes we do...
"No. Really, we don't."
Yes...
"No."
Yes...
"No."
No...
"Yes!"
NO...!
"YES!"
Alright...
You win...
...We'll tell him...
"Hah. I always have my-- Wait, what?"
Sunset Shimmer...
...sells seashells to south-side stands for sweet sweets...
"I... I didn't follow that one. Say it again?"
...Well played...
Sunset Shimmer...
...could have been The One...
"I could have been a lot of things."
You were supposed to lead the elements...!
Not destroy it...!
"Cry me a river."
Sunset Shimmer...
...Zero...
Twilight Sparkle...
...Three...
"...Three what?"
Now you know...
Sunset Shimmer...
"Three what? THREE WHAT!? What does she have three of that I have none of!?"
You'll never know...
"TELL ME!"
Bye~~~...
"You can't do this to me! I COULD'VE RULED YOU ALL! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT ARE THESE THREE THINGS!" in the middle of her tyrade, the main lights shut off, leaving her in the blank darkness.
Clad in the light decoration suited for a Royal Guard, the pegasus on stage waved a little modest hoof to what audience may have been present within the darkness.
Flash Sentry...
...is lowly, worthless--
Okay...
...Not the right person for her to start out on...
Flash Sentry...
...is in charge of guarding the toast...
"You have no idea how crazy breakfast can be. Sometimes those slices of bread need the extra protection."
Flash Sentry...
...is the saviour of the universe...
"I wish. But being the saviour of breakfast is fine for me."
Flash Sentry...
...is done in a flash and takes a century to get back up...
"Hah. I'd have to agree with you. I'm done with that toast so fast when I get it, but it always leaves me too full to have another right after."
Flash Sentry...
...doesn't wash his hooves...
"That's not true. I have to wash up or the crumbs from the toast--"
We were joking about the toast!
STOP BRINGING IT UP!
"Alright, alright. I'll stop."
Good...
Flash Sentry...
...has trouble spreading...
"...Spreading jam..."
THAT'S IT!
"You set that one up for me and you know it."
Now you know...
Flash Sentry...
"Hm. This was easier than Twilight said it would be."
Oh...
...We'll make it harder...
GO!
Before Flash could react, a bolt of light green lightning jutted out from off stage and sent him flying. "DUMP ME WILL YOU!" Was yelled after him before more and more bolts of energy were volleyed after him.
So, so, so familiar with the stage by now, Twilight cautiously stepped her hoof against the stage floor and curled her wings.
Twilight Sparkle...
...doesn't know the other two aren't here...
"Well now I know. And now I know I can relax a little bit... A... Little... Bit."
Twilight Sparkle...
...uses Spike as a comb...
"That is not physically possible. There's no way I could lift him and angle him in a way that could possibly comb my mane."
Twilight Sparkle...
...just gave the long and short that she thinks Spike is fat...
"Well... He could stand to eat a gem or two less now and again... But don't tell him I said that."
We have recordings...
"Right. Should've remembered that..."
Twilight Sparkle...
...resorts to shaking her flank and assets to win favor...
"I--WHAT!? Shake my--? No! I've never done anything like that!"
Twilight Sparkle...
...thinks the ends justify the means...
"At times--"
Even if that means manipulating a boy's heart that she knows she'll never see again...
"I didn't 'manipulate' anyone's heart. Who told you that lie?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...ATE A CHEESE BURGER!
TWILIGHT!
"I-I-I-I...! I didn't know it was--It was another world--I mean... Uh-uh... GAH!" For once, Twilight made her own escape by spreading her wings and bolting out and up through the roof, shattering a collection of lights on her escape.
Now you know...
Twilight Sparkle...
...What's a cheese burger...?
Something I miss every second I'm in this world...
...By the way...
...Where's the nearest ranch...?
"Vous êtes le plus brut et morceau écoeurant de vil j'ai jamais eu la honte de savoir. Embrassez-moi vous porc!"
"Somehow you even make the language of love sound repugnant... Don't waste our time any more. I do not wish to linger within this horrible land... What was the name of this cesspool again?"
"Son nom, elle est... Prance! La terre la plus romantique en tout de Equestria! Nous devrions nous marier ici. Pour les jeunes."
"Whatever it was you just spouted, same to you. I don't have the stomach to look translations, you cretin... Let's just go already."
The powerful leader of Equestria, much like her prized apprentice, seemed uneasy as she stood on stage.
Princess Celestia...
...is 90% made of cabbages...
"While that would be very interesting, I'm not made of vegetables."
Princess Celestia...
...thinks two out of three ain't bad...
"It really isn't. I guess that's still an 'F' on a scale for grading, but getting something done right two times is still fairly good."
Princess Celestia...
...likes bananas...
"They're rich in potassium. They taste good and are good for you."
I know...
...I like them too...
"Good boy. We should have a picnic of cabbage and bananas sometime. I'll let you invite Luna."
Yay...!
Princess Celestia...
...molests statues...
"That is perhaps the most outrageous claim I have ever heard here."
The truth usually is outrageous...
"But it's not true! I've never mol--THAT-- to anypony or anything. How dare you even suggest that!?"
How dare I...?
How DARE I?!
Princess Celestia...
...hates herself so much, she keeps her greatest failures close to her at all times...
"I have never--"
Discord was in the garden...
Your sister was in the sky...
Sunset Shimmer was in the mirror...
"...I..."
Princess Celestia...
...CAN'T LIVE WITH HER GUILT!
"It's not like that! I just... I could not just..." Celestia's words soon stammered off as she threw her wings over herself and departed off the stage.
Yeah...
Walk away...!
Walk away from me like every other time!
TO TARTARUS WITH YOU!
...Shimmer...?
...
...
...She said I was special, Blank...
You are...
...To me at least...
"Sie schrecklich hässlich Prostituierte, sind wir in der größten und mächtigsten Land in aller Welt, Trottania. Dies ist die Art von Leistung, die Sie und Ihr Schwarm NIE haben wird. Nun zu diesem Zunge Kampf zwischen dir und mir ..."
"Once more, you butcher a once great language. My only hope is that you can't assassinate every language by the end of our quest."
"Deine Lippen sagen, ich bin unerwünscht. Aber deine Augen mich ficken. Ich bin eine andere Sprache sprechen, so kann ich sagen."
"Yes, whatever it is you want, later. I still need to pick some things up before we leave. Come on."
The entirety of the set rattled with the harsh bellow from the darkness. The lone colt standing on wobbly legs found it even harder to stand with the entirety of the stage shaking.
Something wrong...?
Let him go...
But--
DO YOU QUESTION ME YOU MARK-LESS PAWN!?
N-No...
...But--
Then dismiss this sad, worthless, lanky excuse for a pony...
...I find no fault in wronging somepony who has done nothing but right to me...
"Uh--"
Are you still here...?
BEGONE!
In a burst of light, flames lashed out around Snips and threatened to burn at him. Snips hurriedly fled from the stage, leading the flames to die down into cinders.
...That was almost sort of nice of you...
I'm not a monster, Blank...
...Besides...
...He reminds me of a worthless pawn I used to know that served me very well...
...You can't buy that kind of loyalty...
"Vamos a bailar y la fiesta! Estamos en la hermosa y festiva, una especie de país maloliente El Dorado! Respire adentro, usted mutante alcantarillado extremadamente repulsiva."
"Say what you will, but seeing that I have gathered the final bits of what I need here, I hardly care what you say."
"Estos han sido los mejores días de mi la vida. Insultando, golpeando en usted, todo ha sido perfecto. Tan perfecto, yo podría dejarte me rascas la espalda cuando lleguemos a casa!"
"¿Qué te hace pensar que me gustaría incluso tocar ese cuerpo asqueroso cuando lleguemos a casa?"
"...Huh?"
"Habe ich dir jemals gesagt? Il n'y a pas une langue que je ne peux pas parler. Así que he escuchado y entendido cada palabra que dijiste a mí en este pequeño viaje. Isn't that just great?"
Perhaps one of the strangest rarities on the show, Princess Luna stood at center stage as planned ahead.
Princess Luna...
...has been the cover picture for Ponyville Erotica for two year...
"Such a--Hold... Why dost thou know of 'Ponyville Erotica'?"
I don't...
...I'm just reading a fact sheet...
"Fact sheet? Nay, that 'tis a lie."
Tell it to the fact sheet...
Princess Luna...
...has had twenty-seven different mates since she came back...
"Odious lies! Though, if it had not been false, my mating habits are of no business to the public."
Princess Luna...
...is a mas-o...
...Mas-o...
...How do you pronounce this word...?
Masochist...
Thank you...
...Luna is a masochist...
"...Pip... I will pay my awareness to the thought that thee doest not know what thou is saying. So you are pardoned..."
Thank you Luna...
Princess Luna...
...WATCHES CHILDREN SLEEP!
"'Tis my job! I harbour no sick pleasure from the action!"
I didn't say you did...
...Is the GUILT too much for you to bare...?
"There is nay a mind of guilt upon me."
Princess Luna...
...has no guilt about watching a little ponies' fears...
"That... t'was not what I had meant... I..." Luna's face burned a harsh red before she draped her wings over her face and stalked off into the darkness; dressed in shame.
...It's right next to the incinerator where we throw those packages mommy thinks may have traps inside...
What's the letter say...?
Should I read it word for word...?
If you have to...
...
...
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
YOU AND THE COLLECTED GUESTS AND HOSTAGES ARE INVITED FOR THE ROYAL WEDDING OF QUEEN CHRYSALIS AND DISCORD THE DESTROYER AND LOVER OF PARCHEESI! THERE WILL BE FOOD, DANCING, DEBAUCHERY, AND FIRE WORKS! TEN TONS OF FIRE WORKS! SO IF YOU'RE NOT A PUNK OR SOME LOSER THAT CAN'T HANDLE IT, SHOW UP AT THE WEDDING!
You could have realistically asked anyone to take our place...
...And you asked them...?
You're forgetting something real important mum...
What's that...?
Faith...
...Have a little faith...
War crushed all of my faith...
What war were you ever a part of...?
The war on Canterlot...!
Queeny please...
...That wasn't a war...
...That was a flank-whooping...
We were winning...!
Yeah...
...and apples grow on trees...
...But--
Give him time...
--So this piece of lettuce walks into a bar...
...And the bar tender asks "What will you have"...
...And the lettuce says 'the salad'...!
Wait...
...No...
...Let me start over...
...Do you mind...?
Please...!
Go right ahead...!
A stallion is building his dream house in town. However, this isn't the first time he has tried. Several times before, and every time something horrible happens in connection with the lighting. But, he feels this time will be different. This time, he asks all the electricians he can find about how to run his wiring right. The ideas were all different, but one thing was the same in all the explanations; "remember to pull this cord". Simple.
So he builds his house, rooms and all. All that's left is for him to do the wiring. He grabs the long piece of lining he set aside and pulls it. His whole house explodes. Hours of work, gone. But, he doesn't let it get him down. Instead, he starts again; but this time he has some other ponies help him. The work gets done in half the time and the house looks better than before. The stallion takes the brown lining again and tugs it.
This time, the house not only explodes, but all the others that helped him are turned into rabbits. Around this time, he starts getting angry, but he tries again. He contracts an entire team of the best workers he can find to build his house, staying out of the way so as not to cause anything to trigger like before. In only an hour or two, the house is made and it's beyond perfect. The whole nine-miles. Now this time he learned from his mistake and handed the brown lining to another pony, telling them to pull it instead.
When that pony did the house exploded, every pony except the first stallion turned into a rabbit, and the construction equipment danced away. Having enough, the stallion took hold of the lining again and yanked on it. He yanked and yanked until finally he was turned into a sloth. Laying on the ground, he sighed: "Maybe I wasn't pulling DISCORD right."
NO PIP! IT'S NOT DONE! IT WASN'T DONE TWENTY MINUTES AGO! IT WASN'T DONE TEN MINUTES AGO! AND IT WASN'T DONE EVERY FIFTEEN SECONDS YOU ASKED ME SINCE THEN!
...Is it done now...?
Pip... I am contemplating murder... Bloody... horrible... justified... murder... You are on the thin ice of my boiling rage. Do you really want to keep testing it?
...So it's not done...?
You know what? Yes. It is done. I'm completely done with it. I'm just sitting here, quill and paper in front of me, fifteen books on poetry, and ten gallons of coffee because I feel like it.
...That's a pretty strange thing to feel like doing if you're done.
Are... Are you trying to make me hit you? Really? Is this a conscious choice of yours? I just want to know.
No... I'm just trying to help loosen your mind up... Is it working?
...Actually it is now that I think about it. Good job, little brother.
Yay! I'm helping.
If you really want to help, go get your sister a book on rhyming. I need to find a line that rhymes with "riceicle".
Alrighty, I'll get right on that... But why do you need to rhyme that word?
Because if I want this song to appeal to both the queen and your captain, I need to have both elegance and stupidity.
Oh... Well... nothing's more elegant than a riceicle.
Pip... I have nearly two years of brainwashing to get out of you someday... But mark my words: I will make you intelligent someday.
Pip...? I let it go last time... But if you start to annoy me while I'm working, I will hurt you. Not just hurt you; I'll destroy you. But not just destroy, I will do it so well they won't even find the body. Do you want that Pip? Closed casket funeral? Is that what you want?
...Sis? Did anyone tell you that you jump to really big end parts?
No, because that's not really a sentence.
Oh... So is it done yet?
...It is, actually. I finished writing the song around the time I was talking about how they would never find your body.
Yay! I'm still helping. Can I hear some of it?
No...
Please?
Sorry, no.
Pretty please?
Not this time, kid. I need to keep it untouched until the wedding. I already have a band lined up to play it for me.
...Why?
Because a song needs music in the background or no one hears it. Do I really need to explain that to you?
No, I mean why do you need a band when YOU can do it.
Because I'm only one pony. I can't play a number of musical instruments at once.
...But you can sing.
...No...
Sunset...
No way.
You have a--
I'm not doing it!
Do it for mum and Cap'n.
I have a band doing it. I don't need to do any more.
...What if I sing with you?
...What? Like a duet?
Yeah. We can sing it together. I bet you have a few lines that can work as duet at lines, right?
I suppose so... But--
No buts! We're brother and sister. And. We. Will. ROCK!
Just give me a second. I need to---Yes. I have all the instruments ready to play. Start the beat whenever you're ready.
Slow at first, a steady rhythm of a strumming guitar filled the entirety of the stage. Little thumps tapped in from between the strings, keeping it to a soft tempo. Amidst the music's start, both Pipsqueak and Sunset Shimmer came out from the shadows of the off-stage and put themselves at the dead center on the stage. Sunset Shimmer's horn twinkled brilliantly, bringing along with them a collection of musical instruments held and being played by Sunset Shimmer's magic simultaneously. For a while, the two ponies just stood next to each other, tapping their hooves along to the music before Sunset Shimmer started to sing.
Well, here goes something new~~...
Emotions aren't really my profession~~...
But I've got to let you know~~...
It doesn't have to do with Joe~~...
Or obsession~~...
You saved me from being alone~~...
You helped this young colt grow~~...
I'm not saying you're the best~~...
But Pip and I know we're really blest~~...
The two smiled at each other, Pip nudging at Sunset's leg once. With a little giggle, Sunset pushed Pip forward and gave him an urging nod.
You're our Cap and Queen~~...
I would gladly share my riceicle~~...
Ugh...
I'm happy you're my family~~...
Because you're really nice-icle~~...
Ugh... Not a word...
You saved me from being alone~~...
You helped this young colt grow~~...
She's not saying you're the best~~...
But we both know we're really blest~~...
You saved me from being alone~~...
You helped this young colt grow~~...
She's not saying you're the best~~...
But we both know we're really blest~~...
We know we're blest~~...
...
Think they'll like it?
Maybe... But I like it. And it's all thanks to you.
I don't like you... In fact, the two of you make me want to do a list of crimes so I can wipe you off the face of this planet... But, as it turns out, you're the only ponies left that will HELP us. So, we'll leave you to this... Ready, Pip?
Ready my sistah' from another mistah'...
Don't you worry. We'll take really good care of the stage while you're gone.
I doubt that. But I also have no time to find anyone better... Let's go Pip.
Bye! Have fun!
...Stop being a carpet...
A carpet?
Yeah. Letting anyone walk all over you? You're such a carpet...
If I'm a carpet, you're a pickle...
Why?
Because you're sour and always mean.
Pickles don't have the power to be 'mean'. Besides, if I'm a pickle, that means I'm strong and reliable.
Grace, poise, elegance that takes years -perhaps centuries- to master. That is what the pony on center stage expelled from every stretch of her body.
Britannia...
...is holier than thou art...
"Hmmm, possibly. But then that would depend entirely upon who thou art, wouldst it not?"
Britannia...
...uses magic to fix her gross teeth...
"Only if I've been careless in combat... Zebra rejuvenation droughts are a most useful addition to any well-stocked first-aid kit, I find... Gross, though?... Have a care, sir... I like to think I maintain very good dental hygiene."
Britannia...
...speaks in a fake accent...
"Hmmm?" she laughed a small airy chuckle, "Seulement si c'est avantageux pour moi de le faire, monsieur."
Wooo...
...She's picking a fight with you...
Britannia...
...stay strong my sister, fight the British fight...
"Oh. Most encouraging of you. Thank you, I believe I shall."
Why'd you say that...?
Brits stand up for Brits...
...It's the code...
It IS the code...
Britannia...
...is a knight of the round table...
"No, a Night Commander of Princess Luna's Most Ancient Order of..."
...she'll dance whenever able...
"Well I can cut a decent jig if the occasion..."
...she does routines,...
"...er...routine inspect..."
...chorus scenes...
"...I'd rather not, I have a simply awful singing..."
...with hoof-work impeccable...
"Well my hooves have never let me down so far..."
Now you know...
Britannia the Dancing-Fake-Accent-Snaggletooth-Haberdasher...
"Actually it's Lady Britannia Whinneyvere Buckingham-McScone, Captain of the Royal Equestrian Expeditionary Force, Lt. Warder of the Royal Treasure Vaults, Night Commander of the Royal Guardians of the Nocturnal Realm... But I can see how all that might be confusing for an....individual of your ilk
"....Do you mind if I request something of you, sir?... Could you count to three....yes, three. You see it has to be three because four is too much and two too little, you see. Five is right out. so, if you'd be so kind, three is the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shall be three..."
Hold...!
I call the order of the code section seven sub-section five...
Wordlessly, Britannia nodded and sauntered off the stage, her head held high and any plans of attack cancelled.
The tiny mare on stage blinked, her wings curling a bit as she seemed a great bit confused. "Hello? Is anyone there?"
...
"If someone is, it would be really helpful. I really have no idea where I am..."
You're...
...In a place where you're...
...Safe...
...I guess...
"Oh. That's nice, really. But I should be going home..."
Yeah...
...You really should...
Sorry to bother you...
...But we had to do a little something...
"Did it have to do with me?"
...More then you'd know actually...
Just hold still for a second and put your chin up...
Snowdrop did so without a question against it. She couldn't see what had happened, but she did hear a click and a small shifting sound.
There...
"You did it? What was it?"
A little favor...
You see...
...We're not really 'good ponies'...
In fact...
...We're pretty mean and make a lot of ponies cry and get angry...
...But we do have standards...
"Standards? Like what?"
We have two VERY important rules we never break around here...
...Two rules that we need to remember when picking on ponies...
"Can I know them?"
...
...We'll...
...Tell you next time...
For now...
...You should head home...
"Oh... Alright... Can one of you--" suddenly, a small gust of wind went to the little fillies wings and moved her carefully down a dark passage. "Thank you...!"
...
...How'd it turn out...
It's a picture of her...
...Does it really matter HOW it turned out...?
Luna will love it either way...!
...Right...?
Of course...
I do feel a tad bad about this...
...We lied to that little lass...
Not really...
...We will tell her our rules next time we see here...
One: we never abuse someone's mental or physical handicaps...
Whoa! "Discord"? Not Cap'n? Or daddy? Heh. I'm just poking your peach. What's up Sport?
...What's this...?
...Where did you find that?
I was playing Hide-n-Don't-Come-Out-No-Matter-How-Long-It-Takes-For-Me-To-Find-You with Sunset and I found it under your bed.
Now, Pippy... You shouldn't take things that are under somebody's bed. You don't see me taking the skeletons out from under Queeny's bed, do you?
She has skeletons under her bed?
Metaphorical AND literal. Now, give Cap'n that thing you have there...
...No...
What?
No. I'm showing this on the show.
N-Now Pipsa, be reasonable. There're things we all like to keep secret. This so happens to be mine... Please?
Cap'n... Do you mind checking your pulse?
Why?
Just do it. Come on.
Alright...
...
Do you feel a pulse?
Yes.
Good. Now, are you in any way handicapped?
No. I'm fit as a fiddle in the middle of Fall.
Great! That means there's no reason for me not to show this since you're not dead or disabled. You're clear of the two rules for not bothering somepony.
WARNING: What you're about to witness was indeed the very first draft of "Know Your Mare". If there are small children in the audience... Good. They may be the only ones that will find this funny. The misspelled words originally in the script have been corrected. This alone has been the only edit to the piece.
Know Your Mare, Know Your Mare, Know Your Mare, Know Your Mare Know Your Mare...
Twilight Sprinkle...
...puts sprinkles on all her food...
"My name is Twilight Sparkle. Not sprinkle. Maybe it was a typo or something?"
Twilight SPARKLE...
...lives in a penthouse on the south side of Banana-Hanana...
"I don't think that's a real place. Plus, I live in a library... in a tree... It's nicer than it sounds."
Twilight Sparkle...
...takes fillies' lunch-money to pay for her lego empire...
"That's ridiculous! I don't even own any legos. And I've never once bullied a filly in all my life!"
And now you know...
Twilight Sprinkle...
"You said my name wrong again! Hello? I'm still here! Can you please take back what you said? You can keep the sprinkle bit in, but at least tell them everything else was a lie."
Makers, that was cringe-inducing...
It was the pilot! Art takes time, you philistine! So NEH!
Now come on, Cap'n. I thought it was funny.
See? A child thought it was funny. At least you have some demographic that thinks you're somewhat funny.
Mark my words... I will get my vengeance... On all of you!
Even me?
No. Not you, Pippy. Now go make some riceicles for everyone.
Yay!
Ugh... Can you at least use some sort of spice on it this time? Those things taste horrible...
WHAT!?
Adding flavorings to a riceicle?!
Don't you know anything? The riceicle is already perfect! To even attempt to improve upon it would be as foolish as trying to improve GOD!
An honor it was you could say that this young blue stallion stood upon the stage... An honor more so for the hosts then anyone else.
Dan...
...would look better in a hat...
"A... Hat? Is... Is that all you're going to say? You're not building up for anything? I helped put this show on-air, so I'm used to your tricks, so you know."
Dan...
...thinks just because he can voice my lines that he know me...
"I didn't really say that... At all... Even in the slightest."
Dan...
...promotes nepotism...
"Nepotism... You mean picking friends or whatever over anyone else? No way. I pick fairly."
Oh yeah...?
It's just coincidence that your girlfriend was given the role of Lyra in one of your studio's videos...?
"She fit the role! It was fair and square."
Dan...
...fits his 'role' often 'square'...
"What does that even mean!?"
Dan...
...tries to fit the 'square' in the 'circle' hole...
"Are... Are these sex jokes!?"
Whoa!
Language...
There's a child present...
You're scarring him for life...!
You're scarring me for life...
You see...?
"You started it."
Did we...?
Dan...
...started this fight about a year ago when he co-founded BogyleBronies...
"...I'll give you that one. I did help start this, didn't I?"
Yep...
...And we're thankful for that...
BUT!
We do have an obligation...
That's why, despite how thankful we are...
...We gotta do this...
"Do what?" A loud crash sounded through the stage and Dan flinched while looking off to the offstage. To his horror, he started bolting away when the army of mares that were featured in episodes past charged in blood-lust after him; calling out for his head.
Now you know...
Dan of BogyleBronies...
Wish him luck in his coming two years...
...We should've sent him some riceicles for his trip...
...I've never seen these names in my life. Do you know these three?
No, Shim. Never 'eard of 'em in me life either.
It looks like Discord wrote them down... But someone tried to cross it out... Well, as the wedding coordinator, I refuse to leave one guest out. I want you, Pipsqueak, to find these three and make sure they show up to the wedding. From what the list shows, they're supposed to be on the bride's side of the family.
Family...? Queeny 'as family? You mean like 'er swarm?
Maybe... But these three have names... Regardless, find them and bring them to the wedding. With the current overflow of people trying to get in, it'll give us a great chance to find them before it's too late.
Aye-aye, First-Mate Shimmer!
...Who in all the world would Discord want coming that Chrysalis wouldn't?
Queen Chrysalis...? Isn't that just adorable... She thinks she's a queen.
Reprieve. If any of us would take on the title of queen, it would have always been little Chrysalis. Recollect. In her later larva years, she would masquerade herself as a queen.
Off to the dungy! Off to the dungy! Cut off their heads! She yelled and yelled! She wore egg shells for a crown and cobwebs for a robe. F-f-f-f-f-ffff...
Befitting, maybe... Queen of the underlings was something she never outgrew, was it? Now she rules over drones... Cute.
Objection. Drones are a vital key for the day-to-day of all Changeling hives. Addendum. All Changeling lives, great or small, start within the drone structure.
Defending and excuses is all I'm hearing from you. Fitting, really. Chrysalis never could fight her own battles.
Mommy! Mommy! The wall hit me! Banish it! Walls can't hit! FAH-F-f-f-f-f-f-f-fff...
Irrelevant. That small colt told us of this 'wedding' of our lost sister.
You have me there... It'd be a shame if we didn't show up, wouldn't it?
Crash the wedding! Ruin the wedding! STEAL THE H'ORDERVES! F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fffff...
Contradiction. We are invited; therefor, we will not ruin this. Serendipitous. This can be our chance to rekindle our relationship with our sister.
Very well... We'll behave.
Like when we behaved as we kicked our sister out of the kingdom! FAH-f-f-f-f-f-f-ffff...
ALRIGHT! Stop crying! Just tell me what's wrong so I can try and help.
I-I-I 'ad a-a-a-a nightmare! A-A-and it was scary! And mum and dad are still in 'aywaii so I didn't 'ave anyone else to cry to!
For Celestia's sake... Look, Pip, nightmares are just cognitive subdivisions born from the fallacies that your mind is unable to put reason to. They're nothing to be afraid of.
But it was REALLY scary! I-I-I--
It doesn't matter, Pip. You're a grown colt. You shouldn't be afraid of fictionalized manifestations of your mind.
...So I'm a coward and a stupid baby...?
I... I didn't say that. Come on... Stop crying. You're alright... I mean... I'm here, right? Your... Your big sis won't let anything hurt you. Got that?
I-I guess so... Can I sleep with you tonight?
I--- Alright... Just stop looking at me like that. You'll give me nightmares.
--And this is the recording box-thingy where we start the show.
Pip? What're you doing in here again? You're supposed to be getting dressed in your penguin suit...
Don't you mean tux, Shim?
No... Discord was very particular on the penguin suit... Never mind that. Why are you here and why do you have THEM with you?
Oh. Uh... Turns out my internship here made a lot of other ponies want to do it to. Ms. Lis said it was alright if I gave them a tour to see if they wanted to do it or not.
This is a private set! You can't just show ponies around. It'll ruin the--
But they wanted you to teach them.
...Did they?
Yeah! They said they wanted to learn from the best.
Flattery... My one weakness. Alright, I'll allow it this time... Do they have code names yet?
Nope. That's part three of the tour. Part one is me showing them around.
The entirety of the stage rumbled and rattled. Along with it, the safari-attire wearing mare took a surprised flinch and looked around her dark surroundings with worry.
What the--!?
I'm your biggest fan!
Blank! Calm--
I read all your books! Even your official biography! And your unofficial-official biography!
Okay. Maybe we should--
I just want to touch your wings!
CALM DOWN--!
You look even more heroic in the flesh! I want to butter your crumpet! Spread your marmite! Vinegar your chips! I! WANT! TO--!
I'll take him out...
What? No-NO! She's my hero! MY HERO!
...
...A.K--
I-It's over, Queeny... There's no coming back from that.
...You're right. Just leave, Ma'am.
"...Alright..." 'Daring Do' made no objections and just walked off stage without another word on the strange matter.
It's both a subconscious and metaphysical manifestation of not only the abstract, but also the unknown; detailing both within a literary state.
...What's a memory journal?
...It's a book that tells the story of your life. But, it also tells you the story of what your life may or may not be. It's built by complex magic and only the highest degree of magic users can even--
Is that a Best Bucks sticker on the front?
--CAN EVEN conjure it.
Oh... But why would you want to know the future? It takes the adventure out, doesn't it?
Not really. The book corrects itself and reforms chapters as moments pass. The future in the book is not set in stone until that moment passes. But, by then, you've already done what the book said you were going to do or something else. Nopony could ever read every possible outcome for them before the occurrence actually happened. Do you follow?
Yeah... I think I do.
Smart colt.
...So why are you reading about your future?
Oh, I'm not. I already know my future. I don't need a book to tell me what defines who I am.
Then what're you reading?
Your future.
Woooo! What's it say?
This and that... Hm... That's funny...
What?
Nothing, nothing... Just reading a little piece of the future of yours... You certainly have a strange taste in--Hm... Well, we'll see how that all pans out.
How what pans out? Shim...? Shim...? Where're you going? How what pans out?!
No, Pip, I don't have a Hearts and Hooves date today. No, I'm not looking for one. And, no, I don't want some silly sentiments of how you'll be my date and yadda-yadda. Really? It's not that big a holiday. I don't want some sappy emotions on a day that never really means anything except trying to impress people with bouts of conviction or the sort. So, please Pip, don't bother me about this. Alright? For once, just... Don't.
I... I wasn't gonna say anything like that, Sunset...
Then humor me, what were you going to say?
...How do you take it when you get rejected by the pony you asked out?
...Oh... Well... I suppose... You... Just don't. You don't have to take rejection; ever. If you do get rejected... You just turn yourself around and dart onto something else. You never have to let the rejection get to you... I really don't know what I'm saying here. But...
Sunset...?
Yeah? What is it?
Can I be your Special Somepony?
...Yeah... I guess you can...
...Wanna cuddle?
You want to stay on your side of the bed before I call the guards?
Princess Celestia, high ruler of Equestria, wants your vote as president. Why not give it to her? You have seen with your own eyes the good she does as a leader. Raising and setting the sun. Leading ponies with subtle ques into the right direction. Leaving you to make your own choices in the guided world she has enlightened you into. This is a mare with over a thousand years of leadership under her name and no complaint to it.
A thousand years of hardened and fair dedication to her kingdom. Not a soul should ever try to belittle that.
OR SHOULD THEY!?
Truth is that there are no complaints to her leadership because she is known to BANISH those that speak out against her. Case to that point: Her own SISTER. But more so, why does Celestia want to be president? She's already ruler of Canterlot. Does she just want more titles? What's next? Overlord? Commandant? Führer? Will she not stop until she controls every body of office? THAT'S DICTATORSHIP!
Kind, considerate, cute. These are a few words that can describe presidential candidate Fluttershy. No pony has to ever go far to hear her praises being sung. Why? Because the birds and wild animals she tends to in her spare time sing about her every moment. Her modest nature would never allow it, but she is a wonderful voice for those that are too afraid to speak themselves.
Fluttershy is without a doubt a bright choice for anyone to have as their president. You could never find a more pure symbol of a pony.
OR CAN YOU?!
Birds of Ponyville and all of Equestria sing her praises because they've been TRAINED to do so. By who? By Fluttershy herself of course! NARCISSIST! Even more so, she hasn't worked for a bit in her life. She instead opts to mooching off of her friends for 'services'. What kindhearted pony do you know that makes a friend pay for help? Not Fluttershy.
Presidential candidate Twilight Sparkle. From a very young age, she had striven to reach the highest level of learning; made available to her or not. For years of crippling fear, overwhelming odds, and the wight of so many books, Twilight Sparkle finally was rewarded with the honor of becoming Princess Celestia's personal apprentice. As her cutie mark would tell you, she is gifted in the magical arts. This gift giving her aptitude and a quick mind to understanding.
Indeed, Twilight Sparkle is an idol of what a prized candidate should be...
OR IS SHE!?
Reports say that Twilight Sparkle has never had a friend in her life until she was FORCED to make friends by her mentor Celestia. Before that, records will tell you that her only friends were her brother and her pet dragon. What sort of friendships are those? Family bonding over common activities? INCEST! And making friends with a sentient pet who does everything you say? That's slavery! How can we trust a pony to be our leader when she herself couldn't even lead herself to a single block party to make friends?
Presidential candidate Rarity to the first glance is one beautiful and sophisticated mare. And that first glance would be absolutely right. Inside and out, Rarity has been poised and diligent to be Canterlot aristocracy; though the cards never had it to her favor. Yet, she persisted and became the star designer of her hometown of Ponyville. If that would not be enough, she gladly gives all she can to whoever she can at the drop of a hat.
Rarity is as beautiful and elegant as she is giving.
OR IS SHE!?
If you ask Rarity's own sister, she will tell you she has to BRIBE and TRICK her sister into attending family or friendly events. She has time to be giving to ponies outside of the family but not inside? How can we believe in a pony to care for us when she doesn't even give a flip about her own flesh and blood? Even then, she can't even control three fillies without the help of her soft spoken friend. Is this the kind of mare you want running your school system?
Rarity:
Rising Star of the Underclass?
Or
Horrible Filly Kicker?
YOU DECIDE!
...Cap'n...? Do you remember what we do here?
Blank. I didn't know what we did here since day one. I just stick around for the free riceicles.
Presidential candidate Rainbow Dash is the pride and joy of her home town of Cloudsdale. A star athlete and medal winner in countless contests hosted worldwide. Not only that, but she on her own heads the pegasi Winter Wrap-Up crew each year to a fine degree. Her long time aspiration to be a Wonderbolt has always been in her grasp; but her loyalty to those around her always keeps her where she would rather be: with friends.
Loyal, athletic, and a born leader; those are three things Rainbow Dash -the pride of Cloudsdale- holds as a prime candidate for president. Three things that could never be undermined.
OR COULD THEY!?
In Cloudsdale's very records, countless accounts of Rainbow Dash's mischief and past deeds have remained on paper. Star athlete she is, she received an "F" in gym. Why? Because she dropped out of school. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DROPOUT! Maybe if she finished school, she would be an even better leader. Every Winter Wrap-Up ends late due to her poor leadership each year. She should've dropped out of leadership before dropping out of school.
...I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that today is Fools' Day, so we here at Know Your Mare should act like fools. You're also thinking that this is the two hundredth chapter, and we should celebrate. So, if we put those together, you think we should celebrate like fools. Well, shame on you. We aren't here for your entertainment. We have thoughts, feelings, emotions all our own. Did you ever consider the possibility we might want to do something classy? That on a day of celebrating fools, we'd want to celebrate the civilized? That on the day of our two hundredth chapter, we would want to class up the show?
Well... That's what you're getting today. And you're going to sit down, read it, and like it!
Good evening. And welcome to Pip's Corner; where we take a moment to read astounding literature written by smart authors like yourself. I am your host, Pip. Today, we have a very nice story called "Butt Buck Sluts Go Nuts". Already this story has captivated your attention with its thrilling title. Who are these "sluts"? Why are they nuts? Who is bucking? And... Why in the butt? To better answer these questions, we turn to the author of the story... My sister. Welcome to the show, Sunset Shimmer.
Happy you had me.
Now tell us, Sunset, can you answer any of these burning questions I asked about your book?
Well it's quite simple really. You see, the word slut is used to describe a group of six mares that are hungry for penis.
I see. Very interesting. Where did you find the inspiration to write this?
Personal experience.
Personal experiences are usually the best.
Agreed.
...What the hell are you two doing?
We're reading the script Cap'n gave us.
Not me. I'm ad-libbing...
Script? Why did he give you a script?
He said you need a script if you want to class up a show.
You can put as much make-up on a pig that you want; but it will still be a pig.
...Are you saying Aunty Oink is ugly?
No... Yes, she's ugly, but that's not the point here... I'll be back in a minute...
Where're you going?
To "talk" to "The captain"...
...You get the feeling a lot of that was in quotation marks?
I wouldn't know. I was busy writing "Butt Buck Sluts Go Nuts 2: Muttermy Does Manehatten".
---So, in conclusion, you can clearly see that celery stocks are being beaten out by the stocks based around gold. What am I telling you to do? Melt down all your gold and sell it. Don't have any gold? Melt down grandma. She's probably got a lot of gold fillings and metal fillings that you can paint gold. You need to sell, sell, sell! We're in a tough economy. Why? Because Princess Celestia would rather have her---
What are you having our kids do?
Not right now. Okay? I'm addressing the public.
No one watches this show anymore! And the people that do are too lazy, stupid, or blind to see that this has no point.
Don't listen to her! She reeks of booze!
I don't drink!
Now she reeks of lies! LIES I SAY!
You are beyond insufferable! If you're not undermining me, you're rotting the minds of everyone else who already has a rotted out head. Or, better yet, you corrupt little colts into being just like their failure of a father!
Better than letting them being belittled and treated like dirt by a "love sucking" succubus! These are good people watching. Maybe they're not the smartest, but they're still here. They deserve class.
You couldn't produce class if it came bursting out of your sphincter.
Jokes on you. I don't know what that is.
It's an anus. Which is what makes up most of what and who you are.
Maybe we shouldn't bother them. Mum looked pretty mad when she went to talk to Cap'n...
It's better than just standing around doing nothing. I don't get paid if I'm not working while I'm here.
You get paid?
I'm paid in the idea of a job well done... So, no. Anyway, let's hurry up and stop them from fighting. You'll be all cute, calm them down, then I'll say something snarky. You'll laugh, the audience will laugh, and I'll die a little inside. Then we'll go back to our normal day... Oh! There they are.
Hey! We won't have to stop them from fighting. Look! They're hugging. Wait... Maybe they are fighting... If they are, Cap'n's winning. That looks like a really strong pin. I don't think Queeny'll get out of it. Especially if she keeps up with that amount of--
Pip! Let's go! Go-go-go-go-go-go!
But I wanna see who wins!
We lost, Pip... We lost. That's all that matters at this point.
Hello everyone. Welcome to Know Your Mare's final few chapters.
We mean it this time.
Right. It's time for the show to end... REALLY end.
You are all twisted, horrid people... But, you have weathered with us for over two-hundred episodes. I suppose that is admirable.. Somehow.
I didn't get a chance to know any of you. But seeing as how you found THIS funny? I don't think I want to know any of you.
What they mean to say is thank you. And that's what we all want to say here at Know Your Mare. Thank you. Everyone. We've had some highs, some lows, some even lowers. But we've pulled ourselves up by our hoof straps and got where we are now because of you.
You hear that? This is all because of YOU. Your parents must be ashamed. Makers know I am.
Again, that's her saying thanks. You've all been so great. We've made a lot of memories on this show. We even had ANIMATIONS of this crap. Beautiful all around.
But... It all has to go down some day.
Yeah... And that day starts now. As of right now, we'll be starting the final ten countdown to completion.
Ten chapters left... We'll make them count. Promise...
A pause set in from the darkness, bringing the most familiar guest to the stage to look around a moment confused. "...Isn't there usually--"
--Know your mare!
"--three."
Sorry, princess...
...We were waiting on something.
This will be our final meeting after all.
We want it to really count.
"Our last meeting? I've heard that before."
Oh? You hear that from all your one night stands?
WOOOOOOOAH!
"Hah-hah. Referring to me as something shameless. Only original content from you guys..."
Mock it up all you want. It won't stop us from dropping the hammer on you.
Yeah... And we don't even HAVE a hammer. It's figurative.
We're gonna go figurative hammer time all over you.
It's like figurative time... Only with a hammer.
A hammer that's also figurative.
"Do you hear yourselves? You're just saying gibberish."
Twilight Sparkle...
...Thinks we're speaking a different language...
Some scholar she is...
"Gibberish isn't a language. It means nonsense. Gobbledygook."
How dare you...? You know my mother was Gobbledygook...
"No she wasn't... W-was she? I mean... It could have been all things considered..."
Twilight Sparkle...
...rules over Ponyville with an iron hoof...
"First, I do not rule Ponyville. I just live in town. Second, I would never rule over my friends with cruelty."
Twilight Sparkle...
...rules over the bookstore with an iron hoof...
"It's a library, not a bookstore. And I own it. I don't 'rule' over it."
Twilight Sparkle...
...rules over her bedroom with an iron hoof...
"I share my bedroom with Spike equally... And what's with this obsession of me with having a metal hoof?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...in spite of having the title princess doesn't rule over anything...
"Technically you're right. But I would imagine the title of princess is more just a name rather than an actual entitlement. And, if not, maybe Celestia and Luna will give me something to rule over when they find something. Heh."
Twilight Sparkle...
...is pretty...
"...Pretty what?"
Pretty pretty!
"Thanks...?"
You're pretty like Sis.
"Oh. You're sister is pretty. Thank you."
HAH! Gay--! OW! Why'd you hit me?!
Shut up...!
And you're pretty like me mum.
"Uhh... Heh. Wow... Yeah, thank you."
...Why'd you say it like that?
"N-no reason. Your mother is... something to look at alright."
WOAH!
Blank! I think she's back talking your mama!
You gonna take that, shorty?
Guys, guys... It's fine.
"It is? Good. Because I didn't mean anything by--"
No, Twilight. It's fine... After all, your mama's something to look at too.
Twilight Sparkle's mother is so old, when she visits the Crystal Empire, the ponies there say "Hey, I know you!".
YOU JUST GOT PIP'D!
"That is no way to talk about anyone! I thought you were better than you're other degenerate friends."
Sticks and stones may break my bones...
...But your mother's a big dumb horse.
PIP'D!
"I do NOT have to stand around and take this!"
No... No you don't.
But, before you go... Here's your severance package.
Out from the floor before Twilight popped a little podium presenting a piece of paper to the pony. Twilight looked at the paper cautiously at first, but started to read over the writing on it fixedly once she really got into it. "...Wow..."
Mhm...
We'll see you later, Twilight...
That's why we won't say you know Twilight Sparkle JUST yet...
You put the slit in the top of the box here... You put a pretty ribbon on the side there... You put some cool stickers all over it aaaaand... Boom!
Pipsqueak, what're you doing?
I'm making a submission box!
A submission box?
A submission box!
...Do I want to know what the box is for?
Submissions!
...Submissions to what, Blank?
Oh! Well, since Queeny and Cap'n said we're ending the show soon, I thought it'd be nice if we just have a nice open letter to everyone that watched our show. Anyone can send in facts about the four of us for our special guest to read off about us. Doesn't that sound fun?
It sounds like it'll be easy for people to pick a fight with us and be uncalled for with their insults...
That's what we're all about!
Yes... Towards other ponies. Not us.
Come on. It's the last time they'll ever get to try it.
Fine... Who did you get to "interview" us?
Well, I had an interview for it... And I got the perfect four!
He said he was born ready, you insufferable blowhard!
Can we just get this over with?
Fine. Ruin our fun. This is why Pip's going to have a horrible childhood.
My childhood is great, cap'n.
You hear that? His childhood was in a grate. What kind of childhood is that?
...Let's just get started...
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
As four familiar yet alternate voices than the ones used so often to fill the hall of Know Your Mare Studios sounded through the air, a quartet of four guests -each very different in their appearance- stood at the center stage. However, the stage did seem a bit cramped shared between the four of them.
Know your mare...
At last... We see each other plain...
Cap'n, and queen...
We'll see you in new chains...
"...Really? We're doing this? I mean, really? Breaking out the musical lyrics? Do you want me to go find you some nice butter for your corn, or do you want to take it raw?" Sunset Shimmer quipped with a dull look about her before receiving a quick high-hoof to paw from Discord.
It forms atmosphere and setting.
Two traits you four never could comprehend.
"Hey!" All four raised their voices in mixes of offence and even a squeak of hurt.
Anyway. We have a long list of quips to get out from some lovely mares and stallions. So, let's get right into it.
Queen Chrysalis...
...Cheated on Discord with a wheel of swiss cheese...
"Swiss cheese. Clever. Really... If you excuse me, I think I'll tend my sleepy eyes with a bit of a nap. If this is the caliber of quips we're expecting, I am assured that I won't miss a thing."
Queen Chrysalis...
...is Celestia's daughter.
That would be a great shame on my name...
Indeed.
"Oh, but how sweet it is that someone would think I am not only younger than you--both saying that you are so frightfully old and showing for it and how beautiful and vibrant I look in comparison--but also pointing out how Celestia would be a deadbeat parent by not accepting me to her family. It is so delicious. These 'facts' may actually be entertaining after all."
Let's... Move onto somepony else for a moment...
Discord...
...humped a cotton candy cloud and made Flufflepuff...
"...W...What's a Flufflepuff?"
That's the part of that you found strange? Alright...
Sunset Shimmer...
...cuddles a Twilight Sparkle plushy.
"I wouldn't be surprised if Twilight Sparkle was so vain as to have had dolls of her made."
Pipsqueak...
writes clop about--and we're throwing this question out...
"What? What do I write?"
You write about being a sweet little colt.
"No I don't."
And that's why we're moving on.
"But--"
MOVING ON!
Queen Chrysalis...
Doesn't know where her hive is.
"Northern Equestria, nearly forty clicks from Canterlot and tucked between a series of mountains. It's on a map. Are you incapable of reading one? How unsurprising..."
Discord...
Only understands basic concepts. That's why, despite his enormous power, he can't do anything more interesting than enrage a few animals and lift a few houses.
"Now where's the fun in just simply flipping the world and turning gravity into gravy? Madness and chaos comes from the little things and how those little things can sprout bigger things. It's too... boring to just do something. Boooooring."
Sunset Shimmer...
Her jealousy and envy are now the only things driving her.
"And hatred, contempt, festering ideas... It's much more complicated than just jealousy and envy... Which are fairly close to being the same thing. Read a book."
Pipsqueak...
Will develop less empathy than any other pony, thanks to the show.
"Empathy, empathy~~; put yourself in the place of me~~! Heh-heh... What's empathy?"
Sunset Shimmer...
Can't stop eating meat.
"I wish I could eat meat! This stupid muzzle and horse teeth can't break down a single leg of lamb! I hate being a pony!"
Hah-hah!
Twilight!
Sorry...
Discord...
The Lord of Chaos and Disharmony...
The Sovereign of Comedy Relief...
The Patron of Crazy Hilarity...
And all around Cosmic Joker...
And yet...
The only one he can make laugh is his wife when things get steamy in the bedroom and he drops his pants...
"Hah, jokes on you... I don't wear pants."
It's still small...
"What was that?"
Oh, nothing, nothing... Just... Remembering.
"She's lying. She's never seen anything."
You can say that again.
WOAAAAAH!
Queen Chrysalis...
loves her baby, Pipsqueak...
"I... Won't say that I do not care about the little colt. He knows how I feel and so does everyone else around us."
...all night long.
Luna!
I am just reading it! I do not agree! These are gross lies! LIES!
Moving on!
"Queeny does love me when I'm tryin' to sleep. Is that a lie?"
That's cute Pip, now shush...
Are there any more?
No. What a time to run out...
Make something up.
Umm... Sunset Shimmer...
...Joe...
"Joe?"
Joe Mama!
RUN!
...
...
"...Well that was something, wasn't it?" Discord smiled at his 'family' and pulled them into a tight hug that only one welcomed.
"YEAH! And only a few more shows left!" Discord and Pipsqueak sunk when Pipsqueak brought up that 'sad news'; however, Sunset and Chrysalis could not looked more relieved.
We're running out of time here. We have a quota to meet and not enough room to make it in. I mean, how many ponies are still out there for us to mock before we have to leave? Too many! Way too many!
...Why not just put everyone that's left in one show?
One show?
If they weren't important enough to do on their own, just lump them all together into one episode. Why should we care? We're almost done here anyway.
Good point... But who do we have left?
I'm sure someone will waste their time and tell us.
Another good point. Keep this up and you'll get your own spin-off show.
Hurry! Give it here! We need to put the steel on the metal and burn some biscuits!
That isn't a real analogy...
We don't have time to make sense!
Wait... There was a moment when we could have made sense? I would like to go back to that point and see where my head was, because I clearly missed it.
No time for your snarks, princess-mean-holes. We got people to railroad, and not much time to do it in.
In that case, what are we waiting for? Lets get right to it.
Garble.
Garble...
Has no friends and no one loves him...
"Dude! I totally have friends. I'm like big dragon in the pit."
Garble...
Is filled with lies and gastric indigestion from all the crap he swallows...
"Gross!"
You are gross...
Now get out of here before I call the cops!
...There we go. Finished my favor to Spike. Thanks all!
Anytime.
Tom
Tom, I like you.
You're an inspiration to us all.
No one will ever deny your service to this country.
But... We will ask you to leave. This is a show for liars and scum.
And unlike everyone else in all the world...
Your record is rock solid.
No pun intended, we promise.
...There rolls off an Equestrian hero.
A credit to our race.
Granny Smith.
Granny Smith...
...Knows...
"Knows? Well aye' knows a lot'a stuff. But--uh--what're you sayin' I knows?"
Granny Smith...
...Knows what she knows...
"P'erdy sure I just said that. What're you gettin' at?"
Granny Smith...
...Knows what she knows but she's not telling...
"Sure I'd tell ya' what I knows if you tell me what you all wants to knows."
She knows too much!
EJECT!
"Wha--AHHHHHHHHHH!"
...That was a close one...
You two are morons...
Minuette
...Where's our next guest?
No idea. She was supposed to be line with the rest.
"Uh, excuse me? I'm here."
I hope she didn't get lost.
Should we send someone out to find her?
"Is this mic on? Hello? Hi, I'm right here."
No-no. She'll turn up. Just give her a few minutes.
If you say so.
"Am I not standing in the right spot? Is the spotlight not turned up enough? I'm standing right here on stage. Plain-view."
Does anyone else hear something?
"Oh! Yes! Right here! I am waving my hoof at you now."
GREAT CELESTIA! Where did you come from?
"I've been standing here for ten minutes."
Really? Wow... You make NO impression at all.
"Oh... Well I get that from time to time. Anyway, I'm here--"
Does anyone else hear that?
"HEY!"
GAH! I'm so sorry, ma'am... I keep losing track of you.
Have you tried wearing a name-tag? It might help you stand out a bit more.
We're out of time anyway.
"What? But-but-but--"
Oh, who're you?
"GAH!"
...Geez... what's eating her?
Button Mash
Hey Button!
"Hi, Pip!"
This is already ruined...
How's your mum?
"She's great! She wanted to come, but, you know."
Yeah, I know how it is. Ponies are busy around the summer...
"Yeah. You wanna come over and play after this?"
Can I, mum?
If you bring Sunset with you.
But mo~~~~m!
No buts. You need more quality time with your little brother.
Fine.
...Am I the only one not playing right now?!
Coco Pommel
Co--
Aaaaand that's all we have time for today.
But we just--
Join us next time for even more fun, depth, and romance in the near finale of Know Your Mare.
At center stage, a rather cute looking mare with a light tone to her mane and coat stood waiting for a surprising second round issued onto her.
Coco Pommel...
...Has a lot of fans...
"Let me count... There's one of my ceiling, one in my bathroom... Would I count the one in my kitchen that I use to cool off my cookies?"
I would. Cooled off cookies are important.
Coco Pommel...
...would hide a body if it helped her career...
"H-H-H-Hide a body?! Oh, Celestia. Oh, Luna. I-I-I-I...! I would never hide a body! What if the police found out?! What if my mom found out?! I would be cast out of the family, out of town; disowned! Unloved!"
Coco Pommel...
...Seems to have put a lot of thought into this...
"No! I mean... Yes... But, it's not because--"
Coco Pommel...
...her coat is pale...
...and her eyes seem odd...
"My coat is a little pale... But it's just a color. And what's wrong with my eyes? I always thought they were alright..."
Coco Pommel...
...stitches the coats of gentlecolts...
"Oh! Yes! I do do that! I've actually started a small business for adjusting--"
...Who never thereafter were heard from again...
"What?! NO! I've never hurt anypony in my life! Please, stop."
She trots the path few would trot...
Coco Pommel...
...The demon tailor of Manehattan...
Tears welling in her eyes, an embarrassing red crossing her otherwise confused face, the mare darted off the stage; though the stage light followed her the entire way.
Now you know...
Coco Pommel...
...She was nice.
Yeah. I liked her too.
She should babysit you sometime.
I am not sure she'll be so incline to doing anything for us for some time...
A fresh face to be sure was placed under the strong stage lights of the show for the hosts to look over... And judge.
Adagio--
Pffffft... Adagio...?
--Dazzle...
Has a silly name...
"Excuse me? Adagio is an Italian word for slow and soothing. Just hearing the sound of my voice can be called soothing to most people."
Adagio--
Pffffft... Seriously...?
--Dazzle...
Has more character than her friends...
"That is far from a challenging bench mark."
...But still less character than a wet carrot.
"A wet carrot?"
In fact...
With a little rumble, a slit opened under the foot of Adagio and popped out a carrot glistening with a fresh coat of water to sit next to the guest.
Wow...
...It's like looking in a mirror...
"I look nothing like a carrot."
Yeah, yeah, Carrot Top, whatever...
Adagio--
Pffft... Still funny...
--Dazzle...
Has a pretty good smug face...
"Smug face? I'm not smug, I'm confident."
Hey, wet carrot, we're not talking to you.
Yeah, we're talking to Adagio Dazzle...
"Wha--But I'm--"
Geez...
...The ego on this carrot...
"We look nothing alike, you idiots!"
You're on thin ice, carrot...
Adagio Dazzle...
...Not gonna make a comment?
Eh, I'll laugh about it later.
Adagio Dazzle...
Pfft...
...Stuffs her bra...
"I--Why I--I never even--the idea!" Flustered and red all over the face, the only human to touch the stage darted off with hands against her burning face.
Wait! We didn't say they know you yet!
...And you forgot Adagio Dazzle, Madam Carrot!
...Well that was fun.
Where's Sunset?
Personal day... She has "FRIENDS" now... She's too GOOD for us.
The single human standing on the stage blinked at the simultaneous 'no's' she heard echoing from around the room. "Wha-What's up?"
Please... Just leave.
"But I just got here."
No! No, no. We insist, leave.
Nothing personal. We just don't want to talk about you.
"For realsies? Why not?"
A bad history with YOUR kind...
"...Blue people?"
We're walking a minefield, Cap'n.
Chill... Chill... We've got this...
"Good. Someone's gotta have it. Or, like, no one has it, right?"
Queeny! She won't stop!
Get the prodding rod!
Slowly, from the shadows came a long metal rod, which started to poke Sonata's side and nudge her. "Owww... Why're you poking me? That's mean..."
Just leave! Please.
The fan letters, Sonata. We can already feel them!
Just leave and take Adagio with you!
"Adagio...? OH!" Sonata quickly bent down and picked up a wet carrot, cradling close with a wide grin. "There you are Adagio! Mkay, bye!" The siren waved off whoever was talking to her and skipped off the stage into the shadows.
Once upon a time, there was a grumpy-mean beast. He was cruel and a cynic, rude and a bit acidic. No one liked him, no one could stand him, no one wanted to be around him... So, he made a TV show! He invited creatures from all around to take part on his show; a show of the truth, not a single lie. Everyone laughed! Everyone cried... Both because the show was a lie. What was the reason? What was the rhyme? Why spend all this wasted time? Making fun of others and pulling up lies? What sense did that make?
But everyone loved it. And everyone loved him! So he brought on his wife; who brought on their son; who in turn brought on his sis. Finally -oh- finally, the whole gang was here. Telling nothing but lies and dishing out dirt. It was fun for all...
But it just couldn't last. The lights turned off, the doors did close, the stage was empty... But not for long. The show started up once again, with fanfare, lights, and extravagance! The world rejoiced and the world did so groan... And the hosts frowned, for they felt so alone...
The magic was gone, the joy no longer there. The lights were on, the doors wide open, and the stage so filled with life. So what was wrong? What was amiss? They all knew what, they just didn't want to face it. The show had to end, the laughs had to die. Their time was run short, and their welcome along too.
So this is the tale that I now tell; and I tell it for true. This is the end of Know Your Mare, I'll tell it one last time... For you.
Lights adorned the stage, illuminating it like never before. Immaculate as it was the day it was borne into creation, perfection in every way. The rings of silver that adorned the luminescent floor glinted a stainless shine, granting the whole of it a beautiful halo as the lights reflected off of them. Not a streak of darkness was present throughout the entirety of the set; the audience for once being shown just as brightly as the ones once present on the stage. Dozens, hundreds, who knew how many were truly there. A sea of muzzles, faces, beaks, tentacles, furs, pelts, clothes, cloths, skin-tones, hooves and hands... All of them as bright as the last. For once, the entirety was bright and shining, the curtains thrown back from the stage to show the small viewing box where four mischievous scamps would spend their days for the past two years. All four missing for the time being. But the audience was there, as too was the guest...
That's the last of it. Are you sure you don't want to come?
No... My place is here... With my children. My swarm.
Yeah... Your kids... They -uh- they need you, right?
...Indeed...
Discord...
...Eats his own toe nails...
"When I have toes, maybe. But what do I have now? No... Really... What kind of feet do I have right now, I don't remember."
Do you remember when I first came to you, Cap'n?
Of course. Queeny was giving you such a hard time. It was too funny.
Yup. I remember... So you still laugh about it?
Well, yes. It's a good memory.
Queen Chrysalis...
...Sleeps with a Shining Armor plushy...
"Wha-I don--Pffft! Nooooo. Why would I? Blasphemy is what that is. To think that I-- Nooo..."
You still remember when we met?
In all honesty, no...
...Good. That day wasn't important at all.
Are you being sarcastic with me?
Not at all.
Pipsqueak...
...Likes to dress in a mouse costume and scurry around the house when he's alone...
"I don' even own a mouse gidd'up. I'm more of a petticoat lad."
Days keep on coming, cap'n. But yesterday will always be yesterday, that day will always be that day, and tomorrow... Tomorrow's gonna be a great yesterday to look back on.
...We have a WHOLE lot of yesterdays together, don't we?
Over a hundred I think.
Some of them are kind of dull...
Probably... But we'll always have the choice to look back at the good days.
...Yeah.
Sunset Shimmer...
...sends photo-copies of her butt to Princess Twilight through her magic book...
"Once! Well... Twice, really... It was Pinkie's butt that time. She wouldn't stop chattering until I let her use the book."
I don't remember that day either. I do, however, remember the day I first looked up to you as...
...As a queen and idol?
...As a mom.
Oh...
Look, we don't get to talk much. But I... I think of us as something special, you know? You're like...
...Indeed.
Discord...
Pipsqueak...
Chrysalis...
Sunset Shimmer...
...Will see you next time...
"Too-da-loo~~~!"
"Bye, everyone!"
"Farewell for now."
"Until we meet again, you dorks."
This is the end...?
Nah. Nothing ever really ends. It just gets renewed for another book or season or has fanfictions written about it.
What's gonna happen to us?
We're just going to keep on living.
We go so many different ways... But, we do share in a thread that keeps us together. That thread will never break as long as we hold onto it.
...Wow... Shimmer-Shammer-Bam-Bam is getting sentimental.
Brings a little tear to my eye... Hugs?
No hugs!
Oh, come on. One last hug.
No!
Best to let them do it... There's no getting out of it once their heads are set on it.
Fine...
YAY!
So... What now...?
Isn't that obvious?
...Actually... It is.
Riceicles all around.
TO JOE'S!
Know your mare, know your mare,
When all the lights go down,
We about ta' throw down,
If you come into the lair,(that doesn't work.)
Know your mare, know your mare,
Yeah, we kinda shady,
Just blame it on the ladies, (HEY!)
That's our kind o' game.
Know your mare, know your mare,
If the lights all go down,
You about ta' throw down,
If you come into the lair, (still doesn't work!)
Know your mare, know your mare,
We still pretty shady,
Discord is a lady,(HEY!)
You would say the same!
Every other day,
I'd think, ah' walkin' away,
"Queeny, wanna stay?"
But everyday, it's just the same,
Every single day is "Queeny let's go play."
Could it be that perhaps I love them like a baby?
If it turns out there,
First of all, let me say,
I am the sort that doesn't sit around and want to play,
But, let's be honest with me,
I'm a queen, with a throne,
So maybe I'd give it all,
If we could all just be a family.
I know you thinkin' we do some strange things,
Someone's gotta do it, that's the way it seemed,
But maybe we enjoyed it a bit too much,
Makin' fun of all your creepy lives, (too much!)
Sorry, Cap'n it's what we do. (S'okay.)
'Cause we've been doin' it since '22.(Doesn't know what year it is...)
Why can't we just tell the truth?
Oh wait that would be super lame!(SUPER LAME!)
Know your mare, know your mare,
When all the lights go down,
We about ta' throw down,
If you come into the lair,(Still not changing it?)
Know your mare, know your mare,
Yeah, we kinda shady,
This cookie is a savey, (Aww.)(That's not a word!)(It is now, shut up.)
That's our kind o' game.
Know your mare, know your mare,
If the lights all go down,
You about ta' throw down,
If you come into the lair, (still doesn't work!)
Know your mare, know your mare,
We still pretty shady,
Pippy is my baby,(Moooooom!)
And Sunny is the same!(UGH!)
And thus the story ends. A final chapter, but it shall not end... It shall go on and on. Until the sun draws a final line. Tomorrow will come, and yesterday will go... But one thing is always certain. If the story keeps going, someone will always care.
The actually looked! Hurry! Count how many actually came to see if we were coming back.
HAH! April Fools' Day, suckers! Made you look! What's that on your shirt? Oh, it's you getting punked!
OOOOOOOOOOOH!
...Can I go back home now? I actually have real work to do... And you woke Pip up.
Can I have some warm milk?
See what you did? Now I need to warm up a bottle for him. Come on, Pip...
I don't need a bottle, I just need--alright...
...Was still worth it. Know Your Mare isn't ever coming back. But seriously; expect another chapter. I'm sure it'll be the revival you want next time for sure. SUCKERS!
...You know, this isn't as funny as I originally thought. Perhaps next time we'll simply put clear wrap over a toilet seat.
Strangely enough, the stage where the rather large equine stood had been decorated with a high amount of throw-pillows beneath him while the voices echoed through the room.
...Can we just look at you...?
"Why would you want to do that...?"
Because... It's just so... What's the word I'm looking for?
"A disaster waiting to happen...? I've gotten that one a lot..."
Oh, by Celestia, no. We wouldn't say that. Come on, what's the word I'm looking for?
Serendipitous?
Fortuitous?
Uniqueous?
That's not a word...
I just wanted to be a part of the group...
I liked it!
Thank you, Mini-Me. At least someone appreciates me.
"Be nice if someone appreciated me. But, with my luck... Fat chance..."
Ah! But we do appreciate you! So much!
Right. You're so... Special.
"The only way I'm special is in the way I cause trouble..."
Please! You're the first horse we've ever seen!
"...Horse?"
Pony after pony after pony gets so boring... But you! You're a genuine horse!
You're astounding!
"B-But I--"
That's why we called you here. We just HAD to see you in the flesh.
Can we have your autograph?
"...Why not..."
YAY!
Now you know Trouble Shoes! The only horse in Equestria!
Silence. Silence ruled the entire studio. Silence from the usually echoing voices and silence from the hippie at center stage.
C...Can you do it...?
"We can all do whatever we feel's right. S'long as it keeps the positive flow... But what 'it' are you talking about?"
You can do the impossible, Hugger.
They wrote songs about how it was impossible... But without a doubt in your mind, you made it possible.
"Oh, little flowers. Nothing's impossible, so long as your spirit's free of toxic energy."
So wise...
So wise. But, to the point...
Can you do it...?
"Still not picking up what you're putting down, little one. Made you could put it into an interpretive dance. Really let it speak for itself, you know?"
Genius.
Brilliant! But, it would take me forever to make a dance fit to show you. I'll just ask it flat.
"Go by your own drum, little one."
Can you... Kill the Grimace?
"Nothing can kill the Grimace. 'Bout time I head home and meditate on all this. Blessings," with a wave of her hand and a distant didgeridoo playing her off, Tree Hugger ventured out of sight and out of the site.
...I bet she could do it.
Oh, without a doubt. They said you couldn't stop the Smooze, but she did it.
Hello, everypony! How're my favorite creatures in all the world?
We're your favorites?
Well, you are... I could take or leave the other two.
Charming. And you are free to take that as both an answer to your first question, and how I feel towards your comment.
Always with the exaggerated explaining, Queeny. Lighten up. Be more like Sunny-Bunny. She hasn't said a word since I got here. She's taking everything in stride.
Actually, cap'n, she hasn't said anything all day. She's just been looking out the window with that look in her eyes.
Really? Hm... Sunny! You alright?
...I sense a disturbance...
Like in the force?
In the universe...
Right. The force.
So many silent voices... Suddenly given sound... Worlds coming to life.
...I feared this day would come...
What day?
The end of days.
You two can be as insane as you wish. I'm taking Pip somewhere that you can't taint his mind.
Take him wherever you want! There's no hiding from the storm! It shall be upon us soon! The end is nigh!
As the familiar words echoed through the dark room, a tall unicorn darted about off of the stage; seemingly looking over every minute detail that most could not see.
Sass--
"You know your lighting would be oh-so-much better should you direct them towards this direction, right? I will change it for you. No need to thank me!"
Great...
Sassy Sad--
"In an article I helped promote in the Canterlot Times, it tells a great deal about how your carpet can make or break everything. And your stage carpet is so... drab."
Alright, great.
Sassy Sad--
"I'll put in an order for you to get a new and more modern carpet. Again, it's my pleasure as an--"
Shut up! Shut up!
God! We don't even want to do your episode anymore!
Have you ever had to spend five minutes with yourself? You'd rip your own brain out!
You, Sassy Saddles, are annoying!
You are a waste of space.
Your mane is shoddy.
And your pretty!
...Oh! I thought that was where we were going with... That... I'll go...
Anyway. Except for that last one, that's who you are, Sassy Saddles.
You are a fraud! Now get out of here. We're sick of looking at you.
...Wait... Where'd she go?
I think she walked off to go order that carpet before we started yelling.
Are you all sure? We do not have time for any sort of delays...
Sure.
Completely.
Uh-huh.
Did everyone go to the bathroom? There will be no rest steps on the interdimensional highway.
Please.
We're not stupid.
Mhm.
Then everyone is good to go? Splendid. Next stop--
Queeny?
Yes...?
Shouldn't Shim-Wow be guiding us?
I don't see how that would make any sort of difference.
Well, she's got friends where we're going.
And you don't have any friends. I'm just gonna say it! Elephant in the room; Pipsapopalis wasn't gonna say it. So I gotta be that draconiquis.
Absurd! I have millions of friends. Too many to count!
Really? Name one.
I... Cannot recall a single name out of the bunch. Can you blame me? I am far too famous.
Sure you can't. Wink.
You're one to talk! Your best friend's the pegasi with zoophilia.
Cap'n, what's zoophilia?
It's when feels up a zoo too much and they get banned. And I mean the zoo. The walls and bars that make it a zoo. It's a very strange sickness. Nopony understands why someone would rub up against the wall of a zoo.
Ohh... That's a silly thought. Fluttershy rubbing her face against a wall... Silly.
Yeah, cute. Can we go now?
Yes-yes, fine. You can lead us since you have SOO many friends there.
And now suddenly this is my problem. Great...
I gotta go to the bathroom now. You were talking too long.
Queeny and Cap'n ran back through the statue, Sunset.
Why?
They saw their feet.
So?
They saw they had feet now.
For Celestia's sake... Get back out here you two!
No.
It's unnatural!
Discord, you have a dragon foot on one leg. How is having a human foot weird?
It had a shoe on it! I don't know what Lord of Chaos means to you, Long-John Shimmer, but to me it means someone that doesn't wear shoes.
Not to side with the oaf, but I have to agree that it was unnatural.
The shoe was unnatural?
The foot was! The 'human' foot.
You're both being childish. Hurry up! The producers went to a lot of trouble to build us a stage here.
Well it looks like they wasted a lot of bits because I'm not leaving.
Nor am I.
Oh yes you are! I already told my friends they could be on the show and you will not make a liar out of me! Besides, they paid for the stage with dollars, not bits.
Now that's just silly. Who would take payment in doll hairs?
...Just get out here.
Please?
...I guess we did sign on for it...
And I did write up some new jokes. Oh, who am I kidding? I didn't write any down.
Yay! This is gonna be fun!
Yeah. When Pip asks you to do something, you do it. When Sunset asks, she gets an hour of lip.
Try putting a brown spot over one of your eyes. Maybe we'll listen next time.
Disinterested was a fitting word for the pigtail having girl sitting in center stage. Then again, she was hardly ever known to smile.
Aria Blaze...
...Is a human...
"Wooo, pointing out obvious facts. Clever."
Aria Blaze...
...Was born this way...
"Which way? The way of not being into this dumb show? Yeah, I was. I was born with a brain."
Aria Blaze...
...Was born a human...
"Tsk. As if."
Aria Blaze...
...Has two hands...
...Two feet...
...No wings...
...And no floppy ears...
"Yeah? So?"
Human...
And probably born like that.
"I was not born a human! I am a siren stuck in the worst prison ever."
Aria Blaze...
...Speaks only with wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo's...
"Not that kind of si--"
WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO!
She sure is loud.
"I'm not that kind of--!"
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
"I AM NOT--!"
HONK! HONK! HONK!
"That's a car horn!"
Aria Blaze...
...Is the worst siren...
...She should have stayed as a human...
"Ugh! You are the worst kind of--"
BWEEP! BWEEP! BWEEP!
That's the "Now you Know Aria Blaze" siren.
And it seems to work. Which is more than one can say about the broken one down there, clearly.
"I am so out of here...!" Aria picked herself up from her chair and stormed off with a huff, though stopped halfway to turn around, "You better believe I'm getting my--"
Unlike a handful of her fellow Crystal Prep students, the girl sitting at center stage seemed overly chilled out as she swung her feet back and forth under her chair while she waited.
Rainbow Dash...
...has a dye job done daily...
"Rainbow Dash? Uh-heh, sorry. I'm Indigo Zap. Probably have the wrong sheet or script or whatever. That's not my name and my hair is natural."
Rainbow Dash...
...bleached her skin and dyed her hair...
"Again, no. My name is Indigo Zap. Are you sure you're reading the right script thing?"
Rainbow Dash...
...was chased out of Canterlot High and now lives a lie...
"Alright, now I know this has nothing to do with me."
Indigo Zap...
...Is eating a pickle...
"...No I'm not."
Indigo Zap is...
...So if you're not, you're not her...
"But I am! I am Indigo Zap! That's stupid reasoning! How is this something I need to defend?"
Rainbow Dash...
...thinks she goes to Crystal Prep...
"But I do go to Crystal Prep! I have the uniform and everything! Ask anyone!"
I thought you said you were Indigo Zap...?
"I am!"
Sure you are...
"No! No! Don't turn this around on me! You've been saying someone else's name this whole time! I was just defending myself, alright?"
Whatever you say "Indigo Zap"...
"I can SO tell you're mocking me right."
Now you know...
Rainbow Dash...
"They don't! No one does! They don't even know my name. I don't think I know my name now!" Indigo Zap jumped from her seat and stomped off stage, hands to her temples as she felt a splitting headache.
Even as the voices echoed through the near empty space of the stage, the girl sitting at the center of it sat without any look of attention to it.
Sugarcoat...
...gets hair-styling tips from four year olds...
"...Hm..."
Sugarcoat...
...eats dictionaries every night in hopes of gaining their power...
"...Hm..."
Sugarcoat...
...sits at the back of the bus because she's as hated as Twilight Sparkle...
"...Hm..."
Sugarcoat...
...sticks pickles up her nose and dances the squirrelcarena while whistling 'We Are the World' and wearing a Mexican poncho every Tuesday at lunch...
"...Hm..."
Is she ignoring me?
Calm down.
Yes. You're going off script.
No I will not calm down! She's supposed to be a smart mouth with hard quips and she's just ruining it!
Rainbow Dash probably told her what we did to her and she's just playing us.
Unless...
Unless?
What if she's psychoanalyzing us!?
The fiend!
You'll never analyze us, you nihilist pig with stupid hair!
As the studio filled with loud and scrambling clatter proceeded by a door opening and slamming shut, Sugarcoat quietly started looking around. After a moment she took a pair of earplugs out of her ears and stood up from her seat. "It takes only a dimwit to expect someone to enter the unknown unprepared... Now to find a dictionary..."
This episode takes place back home in Equestria. We shall return to your erratic scheduled programming of "Know Your Girl" after this.
Know your mare, know your mare, know your mare...
The sparse stage had only the attraction of a simply dressed mare standing on it to draw any eyes.
Countess Coloratura...
...uses auto-tune...
"Well -um- yes. Yes I do. My old manager said it would -umm- help with long preferences... Also, you can call me Coloratura or Rara. Sort of trying for a new image now. Well, an old image actually. But, yeah..."
Coloratura...
...sounds like a luchador...
"Hmm... I don't know about a luchador exactly. But it is a big name, isn't it? It's actually an Italian word meaning a sort of fancy voice melody. But, no, not a luchador."
Coloratura...
...once hung a colt out a window for ponies to see...
"Those images were fabricated! A-And the charges were dropped! Not like they had a case to begin with... B-Because the images were fake."
Coloratura...
...makes millions of bits...
"Oh, well... I don't like to brag or anything..."
...But does not donate any of it to the schools she claims to support...
"I do! I do, I swear! Who told you I didn't? Was it someone at PMZ? It's a lie."
Coloratura...
...runs down city streets hair whipping people...
"Why would I do that? No. Who would do that? That doesn't make sense..."
Now you know...
Coloratura...
"No they don't. They think I'm a child abusing money hoarder with crazy whipping hair."
Yeah...
...Coloratura...
Catch her next week at the Ponydome for her next Lucha Libra throw down!
"I don't wrestle!"
Then why are you fighting at the Ponydome next week.
"I'm not."
Then why did I say you were?
"You're lying! You're just so--Ugh!" In a huff the pop star turned and started to head off the stage.
Wait! Wait!
Don't leave yet!
"Why? Did you want to throw another lie at me?"
No, no. We wanted to tell you something.
We wanted to say that you inspire us.
"...What?"
It's true.
Rara...
...Is a great insperation to everyone...
Young--
--and old.
And ageless.
"That's... Actually nice of you to say. Thank you."
We mean it.
Sure, we give ponies a hard time...
We've even sent a few to mental wards.
But, we don't mean anything by it.
Well... We do, actually. But it's from a place of love.
And we love you, Rara.
"Thank you so much." The mare smiled and happily stepped of stage, leaving the voices to echo in an empty set.
The young girl on center stage shared a similar hair color and even skin color to a mare that once stood there many years ago; but the fact she stood on two legs and had glasses, it was clear to be another thing entirely.
Twilight Sparkle...
...eats lunch with the lights off...
"I don't do that, I'm sure. I mean, if I have the blinds drawn and the sun is out I might just go by natural lighting. But I defiantly don't eat in the dark."
Twilight Sparkle...
...paints her legs to look like socks so she doesn't have to actually where them...
"That seems like a lot more work than to just put on socks. I hate to be 'that girl' here, but where are you getting these facts exactly?"
Twilight Sparkle...
...double dips her bread-sticks in cheese...
...after she bit the end she's dipping...
"Well first that's gross to do. Second, I don't really eat bread-sticks and cheese."
Twilight Sparkle...
...is apparently a barbarian...
"I just prefer rolls over bread-sticks. That doesn't make me a savage or anything."
Twilight Sparkle...
...thinks barbarians HAVE to be savages...
"It's pretty much implied with their name, isn't it?"
Now you know...
Twilight Sparkle...
"Wait, this was about informing them about--No! No! That's not me! None of that is me! What if someone listening to this was from a scholarship organization?!"
Was...?
What if they ARE...?
Twilight Sparkle gave a sharp pull to her hair, a frantic look coming to her face before bolting out of the room. "I don't eat rolls in the dark!"
Hello. This is Know Your Mare. Or -as we are known throughout the world- Know Your Mare.
Ain't they the same thing, Cap'n?
The "Are" in "Mare" is slightly more pronounced the second way. It's a Prance thing; don't look at the woman. Anyway! We have a lot of fun here on the show. But what we never forget is the love of the holidays. That's why we want to wish you all a very Happy Hearth's Warming.
Cap'n! You can't say that!
Why not?
It excludes ponies that don't celebrate Hearth's Warming?
Who doesn't celebrate--? Never mind. Uhhh... We'd also like to wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Kicking Kwanzaa, and uh... Festive Festivus.
Cap'n!
What now?
You're segregating ponies by dignifying each celebration in a different order! Now the ponies who celebrate Kwanzaa might be offended.
No one celebrates--! Ugh. Happy Holidays! There. How's that? Neutral enough?
Nooooo! What is somebody doesn't celebrate holidays?
Fine! Then Merry Shut The F--!
BLEEEEEEEEEEEP!
We're sorry for the interruption. All our host wishes to say is have a fine day today. A day where some celebrate while others don't. Make this day whatever you wish. With yourself, with friends, or with family.
And -lastly- we hope here at Know Your Mare that we will see you next year. Be safe, be merry, be smart... But if you were smart, you wouldn't be here, would you?
Her shape was different but her hair of rainbow remained the same as ever. She stood where the spotlights led her to be, looking a little indifferent to the echoing voices around her.
Indigo Zap...
...went off the deep-end and now is using corrective eye surgery to have eyes like Rainbow Dash...
"Whoa, really? Wow... That's nuts."
Indigo Zap...
...ignores when her name is being called...
"You know, I kinda felt she was a little weird. I couldn't say it to anyone at the time; what with the Games, magic being sucked away and stuff. But yeah."
It's sad...
She thinks she's Rainbow Dash...
"...Are... Are you talking about me?"
Indigo Zap...
...still has hope...
"But I'm not Indigo--I'm Rainbow Dash."
Funny...
Rainbow Dash was saying the exact same thing just awhile ago...
"But I am Rainbow Dash! What? Was this person saying SHE was Rainbow Dash?"
Indigo Zap...
...licks the bottoms of shoes because she believes it gives her power...
"That doesn't make any sense. Who does that and why would they think it gives them power?"
Indigo Zap does...
"Well I'm not Indigo Zap!"
Tell that to Rainbow Dash...
"Is Indigo Zap saying she's me? Is that what this is all about?"
Who's to say...?
Now you know...
Indigo Zap...
"I'm gonna go find her right now and straighten her out! Then I'm gonna find you!" With that, Rainbow Dash darted off stage followed soon after by the sound of stage doors opening and slamming close.
There was no reaction from down on the stage. The lights showed that not a soul had even appeared.
Where's the guest...?
One second...
Gently, a green haired girl was guided onto the stage by a long stick jabbing at her hip. However, it seemed she wasn't paying much attention to the stick, just going in the direction it was motioning.
There... Now we can start...
Lemon Zest...
...only drinks lime-aide...
The girl on stage just stood there, looking around the vacant space with her head bobbing.
Lemon Zest...
...has no sense of taste...
"..."
Lemon Zest...
...rubs lemons on her tongue in hopes of simulating taste...
"..."
Lemon-- She's not paying attention, is she?
No... No she's not...
Can we broadcast into those headphones she's wearing?
Yeah, then we can fly to the moon and eat balls of milk.
So we can't?
Of course we can.
With a little click that Lemon Zest couldn't hear thanks to hear headphones, the sound coming out of them died. "Where'd my--?"
Lemon Zest...
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Lemon Zest promptly fell to the ground and threw her headphones off as she screamed.
Whoops...
She must have had them turned up all the way...
This episode's a wash...
Now you know...
Lemon Zest...
And you know not to have your headphones up all the way...
Her outfit was eerily similar to one voices. Her hair and skin were much the same as well. Perhaps the only difference was the lack of a perpetual scowl.
This is ridiculous...
The money we're making off of this is ridiculous!
We don't get paid for this.
Maybe YOU don't...
Sunset Shimmer...
is actually three dwarves in a trench-coat...
"But... i'm not actually wearing a trench-coat... I'm wearing pants and a shirt... That's not enough to hide dwarves."
Sunset Shimmer...
Does not deny the claim she is a series of dwarves...
"I'm stating how that couldn't be true. What's this show about again?"
I wonder that every waking day.
Sunset Shimmer...
Is three part dwarves, one part bacon...
"But I just told you, there's no possible--bacon?"
Sunset Shimmer...
Carries a can of mace to fend off the dogs after her bacon...
"But I don't have bacon. Why would I even leave the house with bacon in the first place?"
Sunset Shimmer...
Is too smart for this--HEY! Give me the mic back!
OW! She hit me!
Don't hit him, you brat!
They started it!
Everyone stop or I'm banishing someone to the puppet dimension... And it might just be me so I can get away from all of you!
Oh-boo-hoo! Life is so hard for the walking talking jigsaw puzzle.
I'd tell you to jam a sock in it, but you have too many holes to fill!
"Um... Do you guys need a moment or...?"
STAY OUT OF THIS!
In the blink of an eye, the young woman on stage was sent flying with a flash of green lightning from off stage.
...Crap... We're gonna have to go get her, aren't we?
Are you--? Ugh... I'm getting real tired of coming out here and seeing our guests not showing up!
Sorry, Cap'n. But she said she didn't to come. See? Right here in this letter.
Let me see that... Hm... Some strong language here.
Queeny had to pre-read it for me because of all the harsh words.
Well, whatever. If she wants to be a little snot, let her.
Really?
Yes. I'm tired of ingrates just not wanting to have any fun here. This is a place of entertainment. And if they don't want to be a part of it, that's their problem.
Oh... I wish you told me that earlier.
Why?
Because I sent a letter back telling her that we tied Spike to a railroad and we weren't going to tell her which railroad until she showed up.
KID!
What?
You're brilliant! Buuuut... Now she'll probably hurt us...
Shimmy-Shams already went to get some blast shields for us.
Before any more voices could join in the traditional welcoming echo, an explosion erupted off stage and shook the foundation of the studio. In a blaze of fire and sparks, the young dragon lord came soaring out and landed on center stage with rage in her eyes. As she began to open her mouth to speak however, the stage was protected by ceiling high blast walls to entrap the young lord.
Hey! She did show up.
"Where's Spike?! Where're the train tracks you tied him to?! Also, what's a train?"
It was all a ruse...
A cleverly plotted ruse!
Eh... Four out of ten...
"Well if he's not in danger, why did you send me that letter?"
We wanted you as a guest!
Yes. We checked the charts, and the money simply rolls in wherever you are.
And we love making our money hoard taller.
You can relate to that. Dragons love piles of gold.
"I already told you I didn't want to be on your stupid show!"
Why not?
Everyone loves our show!
Eh... One out of five...
"For starters, I don't know what a 'show' is."
Ember...
Is a country bumpkin apparently...
"And two...! Princess Twilight Sparkle sent me a letter a week ago telling me that I should never come near any of you."
Twilight Sparkle...
Wounds us...
Ember...
Is already in the pocket of the Equestrian monarchy...
"I am NOT in anyone's pocket! I am the dragon lord! I speak for the dragons and we are our own keepers."
Ember...
Has been dragon lord for less than a month and has already sold out...
"I didn't sell out! They're just -you know?- friends of a friend."
Ember...
Is made of fifty percent marshmallows...
"What does--?"
Because she's so soft...
"Oh-ho-ho! Put down these walls and I'll show you how soft I am!"
Ember...
Wants to give us a hug...
"I DON'T DO HUGS!"
Now you know...
Ember...
"When I find my way out of this stupid box, I'm going to rally all my dragon horde and burn everything you own to the ground!" Ember started to rant as she began to claw and knock herself against the blast doors keeping her away from her accusers.
The young unicorn presented on center stage presented herself much more as an alien to the spotlights and echoing voices through the room as she stood there waiting. Then again, very few ever seemed at home in her position.
Saff... Saffreen...?
"Saffron Masala."
...Is that some kind of tree?
"It's -uhhh- how do you say? Spice mix made in my homeland."
...I think she's lying.
"No-no-no. Certainly no lie; I assure you. It is something we make where I am from. Along with cumin, coriander, cassia, turmeric--"
She's speaking in tongues!
Can we move on...?
Sure.
Sapphire Mesa...
"It is Saffron Masala."
Uses only the "rarest" of "spices"...
You can't see, but we're giving air quotes...
Well, Cap'n is... He's the only one with fingers.
"What are 'fingers'? And our spices are well maintained and crafted; but they are certainly not a rarity."
Hakuna Matata...
Serves chicken...
"Ehhh... I cannot recall the last chicken we had as a guest... But we did have one or two coops flock in back home."
Vic Mignogna...
"Who is Vic Mignogna?"
Guarantees her food will be great...
"That I do! I am thankful for your free advertisement."
...But you'll--
"Truly, it has been a long road in Canterlot. It is only recently that our little store has started to garner the smallest of attention. All thanks goes to our two dearest and truest friends who aided us in our time of need. It is my understanding that your show receives many onlookers; so to have you promote a kind word to our store? It is uplifting to say the very least. Thank you."
...Uhhh...
Hm...
Yeah... Totally what we're doing...
...We weren't going to say anything about your food giving people the runs...
"Oh! Hah! Such a prankster you are. That would be very rude."
Yeah...
...So...
You all know Saffron Masala now...
A-And! And... Her lovely restaurant...
"Thank you once again. You will all be welcomed as honored guests at the Tasty Treat. I promise you," joyful with the outcome of this unpaid promotion, the unicorn pranced off stage as happy as could be.
...Cap'n, I don't want the runs.
We'll grin and bear it...
I'm pretty sure she just did some sort of judo reversal on us...
"What?" The hall pegasi looked up into the dark void that surrounded him, a labored tone to his voice.
You have to stand on the stage!
"I am on the stage."
STAND! Stand! You keep trying to move that couch in here.
"I'm not moving any couch in here."
You're having the boy do it.
"I'm helping!" Pipsqueak chirped, pressing his entire weight up against a love seat and trying to get in centered on the main stage.
Get back up here!
What's wrong with you? Making a young, impressionable colt do your work?
He said he was tired from his walk in.
Tired from his walk--? He can fly!
"It's a long fly..."
This building is under Cloudsdale!
"Have you flown these updrafts this year? Wooo! It is a workout, let me tell you."
Get a job, you hippie!
"I do have a job."
Then shave your stubble.
How does he even have stubble...?
You know what? I'm already tired of this one.
"Sooo... I can go home?"
Yes. Get out of here, freeloader.
"Words hurt, y'know..." with a somber turn from the voices addressing him, Zephyr Breeze started off before stopping short of his exist to turn back around, "I still get paid for the hour, right?"
GET OUT!
Bolts of green lightning served to urge the stallion out and off the stage as they chased him at every step.
...Geez, Queeny... Did a hairdresser cut you off in the parking lot or something once?
It's easy to say that. But you have no idea how important this is.
I know how important this is.
There is no backup of that.
It's one of a kind. I know.
If anything -ANYTHING- were to happen to that film...
It'd be REAL bad.
That's not the half of it.
Trust me. I'll keep it safe.
Alright...
Don't worry, boss. I promise you and I will be laughing about this in a few years.
Documentation of what happened after that fateful meeting is long since lost. Along with the information on what happened after, many more things were lost. Lucrative backing from benefactors, support from the public, credit owed and help from good press, the trust between two long time associates, millions in unpaid revenue...
A crash of thunder erupted through the halls and filled the stage, rattling all creation in a blinding green light.
Crikes! Queeny!
Yet again, a bolt of lightning struck the stage, splintering it once more and sending glass every which way.
You're being child--!
The other voices behind the scenes were drowned out by a colliding salvo of green energy blasting across the stage.
Will you just--!
Deaf ears or uninterested ears were all that those fleeting words met as the entire stage continued to be ripped the shreds. Before long, betwixt the smoldering clouds and green tinted flooring remained the wreckage of the set.
...Oh... It would seem we have no stage anymore... We must cancel the guest for today... Oh hum...
You could've just said "no"!
Now Shimmer-Lammer-Bam-Bam's gonna have to spend all week fixing the place.
Why couldn't you have at least zapped him as well?
I have no inkling to which you are referring. This had been a random accident... One that will repeat if you invite him again...
Among the decimated debris and scattered remains of the stage, a creature unlike any other before stood; orange hue antlers standing proudly on his head.
Thorax...
Looks a lot different then what I imagined...
"Uh, well... What did you imagine?"
Small...
Black...
Easier on the eyes...
Those palettes are SO last season...
"Sorry. I sort of changed colors without a say on what new colors I'd get."
Thorax...
Is pro-white washing...
"I didn't say that."
Thorax...
Says "get with the program, or get bent"...
"Now I definitely didn't say that! Who's citing these sources?"
Thorax...
Does not even have a thorax...
"Well, actually, a 'thorax' on a Changeling is actually their--Why is there a pony sweeping over there?"
"Hey. This ain't about me. This is about you..."
Her mommy had a fit...
So now she's cleaning up...
Thorax...
Would rather give love to strangers over his own mommy...
"I-I wanted to share the love! But... Queen Chrysalis wouldn't have it."
Oh yeah? Let's test that.
"Test--?"
Queeny!
With a loud bang, the stage doors crashed open to invite a fuming figure poised like a bull to its mark. Her horn flickered with visible green bolts of lightning as steam fumed out from her nostrils. "There you are! You little traitor!"
Before another word could escape Thorax, a bolt of lightning struck his chest and sent him flying off and across the stage, soon followed by the Queen of Changelings in a blinded rage.
"I just cleaned up!"
I love a happy ending...
Now you know...
What's left of him...
Thorax.
...I hope the Trixie and Starlight don't hear about this...
If not for a previous guest sharing her unique claws, wings, and paws, the chipper go-getter on stage would very easily be a remarkable sight. Though, taking into account her actual smile while standing on a stage of such dread for others, that in itself could be remarkable.
Gabby...
Hm...
"What's up?"
Well...
Usually we have some "facts" about things you do or have done...
But we're seeing a VERY long list of things you HAVE done...
"Oh. Heh. Well, it doesn't hurt to be well rounded, am I right?"
She has a point...
Tell you what. We're going to throw things at you, and you stop us when we say something you DIDN'T do.
No, really, it is quite alright. Perish the very idea you should clean up after yourselves. No, truly, TRULY, allow me to clean up your messes. Go off and play your... games... or... What is it the moronic do these days? Whip that neigh-neigh or some nonsense?
...Look at this... Papers and rolls everywhere... They're were boxed up in a certain order for--
Oh...
Diamond Tiara…
…loves her daddy like a mommy would…
Heh... Ah yes... I do remember that one. That kaleidoscope of a creature did not take too kindly to my choice of words. The strangest people always turn out to be so sensitive...
Cadance...
...is powerless without love...
Oh, that brings back memories. That led into my most favorite ripping of someone. It was like tearing down the besmudged banner from a most excellent hall. Sad that those two did not sit well with it... It could have marked a new era.
...I never did understand Riceicles...
Are you just talking in the dark, or...?
Talking to myself, yes. It's what intellectuals do, child.
It's also what the criminally insane do.
Hm... Aren't we all such? Four fools playing a very crazy part in an insane story.
i guess. But you don't have to make it sound so creepy.
I apologize.
You? Apologize? What's gotten into you?
Nostalgia, I suppose... Look at them, child. So many old, packed away scripts.
They don't look so packed away anymore.
Blame our bumbling male partners.
Yeah... But they're lovable.
I will meet you halfway.
And I'll wait for you at the end...
...Something wrong?
Wha? No... Nothing...
...There are quite a few boxes with our names written on the sides.
Yeah... Your names...
Well... We'll just have to change that in the future, won't we?
I caught Queeny fishing through these boxes yesterday. And now here you are, pawing through them, too.
...I got no paws, Sun--
You know what I mean. Hoofing. You're hoofing through things.
Isn't hoofing about running?
...So why are you going through them?
Sunset...?
Yeah?
Are you happy we're here?
In this room? No. It's dark in here and it smells like wet dog... Probably because of the wet dogs we keep caged over there.
No-no. I mean--we should tell someone about those dogs, but--here... The show.
The show... Hm...
I joined a long time ago because I had to fill out a report for school. But, even after I finished it and turned it in... I was back here the next day.
You got a taste for picking on people?
No... I just... I didn't want it to end. It was fun for me; for Cap'n, even for Queeny. But she'd never admit that. We laughed on and off stage every day. It was great.
Even on bad days?
Oh, we laughed harder then. Ponies would hiss and boo at us, but we'd just start laughing... Because they showed up anyway. Because we decided to run the show that day. It was... Fun.
...Are you happy we're here?
I... I just wish things could be the way they were. I wish we didn't have to be so far away from each other all the time... I wish we could go back.
But you aren't unhappy, are you?
No... I'm not... I'm glad.
Yeah... Me too, kid... I'm glad I got to know you, buddy.
"HOLD IT!" Her voice was small and a tad squeaky, but in that one utterance it boomed like thunder over the stage.
Celestia, she's back...
...And she brought her posse...
WOAH! Kid's show...
You're a moron.
"And you're all WRONG!"
"Totally wrong!"
"Yeah. Like, ya' can' even be more wrong."
This should be enlightening... What were we wrong about?
This time.
"Look right here. We DO all have the same cutie marks!"
"You said it wasn't gonna happen."
"So... Yer' wrong! Check, please."
...Well they got us there... Again...
Yeah. I don't know how we can recover from that--OH WAIT!
There's a little practice within the field of law that is called "exact words".
I look at your cutie marks... And I see three distinct differences.
"They're practically the same!"
And a red apple is the same as a green apple...
"Ya' can' go comparin' it like that. There's a HUGE difference there."
Minute... But still a huge difference.
So, curious... Which one of you has the better destiny?
"Wha?"
No two cutie marks are exactly the same.
No two destinies are exactly the same.
No two ponies are exactly the same.
All three of you MUST have more of a destiny outside of the other...
"Well..."
"Um..."
So, what? You're destined to find other ponies' cutie marks for the rest of your lives?
"I mean..."
Don't get me wrong, helping ponies is nice and noble; but don't you have lives of your own?
Is your destiny to live vicariously through other ponies because your own lives are so boring that nothing interesting could ever come out of you?
Geez... I kinda wish we were right now. At least if you had different cutie marks you could have each been unique. Now you're just three bananas from the same bunch.
Except one of you has more dark spots than the other.
"What's that--"
Now you know...
The Cutie Mark Crusaders...
"Wait, we came in here to talk to YOU!"
"Don't turn this around on us!"
Too late, we won!
RUN!
Before another word could be spoken, the air was filled with the sound of hooves and claws stumbling out and off the stage grounds as the beloved hosts fled the scene. Left behind, the three little fillies exchanged worried as well as bemused glances. "Well that didn't go at all how you said."
So... Is this just what we do now? Shift through old papers and tapes?
Sorry! Sorry. I thought I was here alone.
Nobody should be here at all. It's our time off. Why stick around?
I uh... I don't know. I guess I was just feeling nostalgic.
Nostalgic? At your age?
Right? But... Y'know?
I know, I know... You've been here a long time.
Feels like an eternity. Cap'n would heckle the guest, Queeny would rip them, then I'd put a silly little salve on it.
It had it's charm, I'll admit.
...Ya think we did good?
Well...
We went on for a long, long time, Shim... Real long. Maybe -like- the longest running show by this studio. But... Were they laughing with us?
The funny thing about this show I've noticed is that there isn't an audience. At least, not in this room. Every time we have a show going, we leave the seats empty and dub over a laugh track or a gasp or something when we need it. Do you know why that is?
Because studio audiences want to be paid and Queeny thinks they should be paid in the honor of doing it but the studio won't let her do that because it's illegal?
No--Well, yes. But, no. It's empty because someone we record it and send it out for dozens to see; maybe hundreds. And those people out there are the audience. They don't laugh when they're supposed to, and they never laugh together; but you know why that is? It's because they're seeing it at their own time or at their own pace. Some of these tapes are ancient. I mean -looking at some of them?- they are so stupid in hindsight. Fluttershy is Discord's BFF now.
Heh, yeah.
But, even looking back... Somebody's gotta laugh. Even if it's just at the absurdity of it or whatever. I see a lot of old tapes, but not so many new ones... And you know what? I think that's great too.
Whatcha mean?
The longer you have something, the more beaten and tattered it gets. Or rusted... Or dusty... Or... I don't know, other things like that? So, you have to use it less and less. But when you do use it again, you feel that same sort of magic you did back then. I don't know when we'll stop running skits or guests, maybe forever. What I do know is that I'll always enjoy my time with you, Discord, and even Chrysy. Even if we don't meet up as much.
Meet up as much? We live together, you ding-dong!
Right. Heh. Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah... Think I do.
You coming?
In a minute. Just gotta... Well, it can wait.
Side by side, brother and sister departed the old set decorated with box after box of film reels. The only reel left out on the floor was a freshly labeled one reading "KYMLER". But that was a story for another day.
I'm just saying---this list you gave me?---it's a bit weak.
Weak? Are you mad? I mean, of course you're mad... But you must have lost what little marbles you had left if you're calling my perfect collection "weak".
Sweet Baby Child, I've seen perfect. I look into the distance, see a beautiful sunset, and I say "objectively, I prefer moonsets", but it's still so-so-so close to perfect. This list? Shabby.
Weak AND shabby? I've compiled a list that would make the audience hate us. It will build of controversy, and controversy sells.
Queeny, you're so evil it's boring.
BORING?!
You are---as the little ponies say---basic.
BASIC?! I'M BASIC?!
Your words, not mine.
BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID IT!
Well now you're just putting words in my mouth. Now come on, we have to get this list started.
Wha--Get back here! We're not done here! Look me in the eyes and call me basic, you troglodyte!
I'm not a huge fan of the low hanging fruit. Buuuut... Maybe these fruits will be tasty.
An odd inclusion accompanied the old, dusty gray stallion - A single chair that the stallion sat on with his hat dipped over his eyes.
...Sir?
"Mhm...?"
Ah! You're awake.
"Sure enough I am. Still as all else - like the open prairie just before the final hours of sunset... I'm alive. I'm just basking in the gentle silence whenever it allows."
...Okay then...
Burnt Oak...
Wants to chop down every tree in Sweet Apple Acres...
"Reckon I never considered it. Wonder why that is? All of them great, mighty trees, reaching up for the skies; morning, noon, or night. It's remarkable when you think about it; poetic, almost. We ponies come, and go, plucking what we want from it - shade or their bountiful fruit, and they just keep providing like Mother Nature always does. The ponies that borrow from them come and go, but the trees? Well, they just keep on growing now, don't they?"
I... I guess--what?
Burnt Oak...
Likes to pass the buck onto other ponies...
"'Pass the buck'... That's a funny saying when you think about it. Ain't much different from ponies or deer, and a grown deer is called a buck. Did you know that? Reckon sometimes I get to wondering: what's makes a stallion a stallion and a buck a buck. Suppose'n it might have to do---"
Make him stop!
Enough with drawl-pony-express rambles!
"Sure enough I don't know much about any pony express. Thinking that might have to do with me knowing more about the creeks and the---"
Stop!
Just stop!
Oh my Makers, he's still going!
We know Burnt Oak now.
And he won't stop telling us things!
"---and the winds? Well, they just keep blowing. No pony tells them when to stop, do they?" Burnt Oak carried on and on as four voices groaned in agony, nearly drowning out the wistful old stallion's thoughtful rambles. Nearly.
Always with the naysaying from you! Why can't you just be supportive. Like your brother.
If you send someone a muffin basket after you do something mean, all is forgiven.
That's horrible justification.
Looks like somepony's getting a muffin basket tonight~~~.
I don't want your sin muffins!
You say that now. But I special ordered these in celebration!
What's the opposite of celebration? Humiliation? Repulsion? Because whatever it is---
Are we doing this or not? The distraction will only last for so long.
Fine. We pop in, we sling some mud, we come home. In and out.
Yeah. Give 'em the ol' in-out in-out before they have the ol' in-out in-out IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M---!
STOP! Let's just go...
"I found it most peculiar when you approached me this morning, Ms. Scratch. At first I assumed you came to wax philosophical with me once more. Yet, now, I must admit you have bewildered me once more in another manner! This 'hamboning' is so crude in design... But I... Can't take my eyes off of it..." The doctor continued to watch as Vinyl Scratch flailed her way through a persistent hamboning routine, watching behind the Doctor as Pipsqueak trudged his coveted police box out of his house undetected.
"AHHHH!" befitting her namesake, the plucky hippogriff slipped off the stage in a flicker of movement.
…
Umm...
Could you come back on stage...?
"Oh! Pft! Sorry about that," Silverstream snorted as she prance back to the center.
Great...
Know--
"AHHHH!"
--your--
"AHHHHHH!"
Why are you screaming!?
"Why don't you have a body!?"
Because this is over a loud--
"AHHHH!"
Will you stop that?
"Okay, no problem."
...Really?
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"
I...
I don't know...
Know your--
"Is that a catering table over there?!"
Will you please---!
"Give me a minute, I see baby carrots!" With another dart of movement, Silverstream made off for the catering table tucked away deep in the abyss of the stage.
While the familiar voice of the dashing host reverberated through the spacious set, the rare non-equine guest seemed to absently waver her head to-and-fro; knocking her hooped braids against one another.
Yona…
...dances The Foxtrot when no one's looking...
"Fox trot? Yona thought trot was pony thing."
It's a dance...
Yo--
"Fox do dance? Like Pony Prance?"
No...
It's just a name...
"Like Yakyakistan Stomp!"
No...!
I've never heard of that one...
Maybe we should move---
"Does Voice-Coming-From-Yona's-Head want Yona to teach them Yakyakistan Stomp?"
That sounds fun...
We're sort of doing a show here---
"Yes! Yona teach Voice-From-Shadows!"
Nooooooo!
The distant cry became all but muted as the small yak standing center stage displayed an uncanny amount of strength in her enthusiastic clomps with her front hooves; shaking the entirety of the stage to its core with one stomp... Then another... And another... Until scaffolding was sundered and spotlights were sent crashing to their demise. Amidst her jovial 'stomps', Yona rumbled herself out of sight and away from attention; destroying many a stage setting on her unknowing rampage.
Know your mare, know your mare, know your...mare...
...Why're you up here...?
I was invited.
You were invited to be a guest...
I thought it would be more fun to be up here.
I don't think you're--
Wait...
...Where're the others?
Don't worry about them.
I'm their replacement.
I'm both of them rolled into one.
You're not my baby!
I'm about to slap a toddler.
I thought only bad guys got to be up here.
I'm as bad as it gets.
Oh...
...You're bad alright...
Get outta here before I call start throwing paws!
Hmph!
…
...Do you think she killed them?
Never!
They're too much of fighters to go down that easy.
She must've distracted them with a devious machination...
Elsewhere in the great expanse of Equestria and beyond, a spotted colt lays defeated as one hoof remains within the confines of a mechanical snare. Beside him, Sunset Shimmer shakes her head after getting off the phone with the fire department. "I just don't understand why you can't just let the bar go."
"Sis, I paid for me Daisy Kisses, I'm gettin' me Daisy Kisses!"
Despite the echo's usual feature of somepony standing front-and-center to marvel at the display, the stage remained all but empty.
A no show?
We do have a certain reputation at this point.
Can't blame someone for not wanting to show up.
Who were we supposed to do anyway?
Pipkour set it up.
Yeah. And it was supposed to be a cracker one.
Had all me jokes ready.
Let me see that list...
...
...Is this a typo?
I can't imagine a typo mattering. Everyone in this Celestia-forsaken world has such wildly different names, what are the odds a typo would be enough to confuse someone? Who's named Shmapple Mack? Heard of Twiblight Parkle?
Working on a stand-up routine?
I'm averaging three audience members a week.
That all aside...!
Pip, is this the person you signed up?
Yep. Super famous.
...Pip they're dead.
What?!
That's terrible.
They've been dead for hundreds of years.
...
...That'd explain the address they gave me...
...Anyone got any good skeleton jokes?
I can try.
It's been awhile since I had a chance to bone up on them.
Upon the stage, confused as all else but oddly at peace with the odd echoing filling the space, the tan-tone mare tried to find what was talking.
Sunny Starscout...
...likes apricots...
"Oh! Yeah. Apricots aren't bad."
Sunny Starscout...
...REALLY likes apricots...
"Uhhh, not my favorite exactly. But, you know, not the worst smoothie base, tell you that much."
Sunny Starscout...
...puts poisonous apricots in her smoothies...
"Poisonous--!? No I don't! Who told you that?"
Sunny Starscout...
...hasn't paid her rent in five years...
"No-no! Go back to that apricot thing. Who said I poison my apricot-smoothies? Was it Sprout? Is it because he had diarrhea that one day he just happened to have one of my smoothies? I saw him picking his nose before he touched his straw! He's a liar!"
Sunny Starscout...
...won't let you see her manager...
"I AM the manager! Who's telling these lies? Hello?!"
Now you know...
Sunny Starscout...
"Who knows? Where---Hey!" Before any answers could be reached in return, a stick slowly crept out from the darkness and started poking the poor mare; urging her towards the exit. "Hey! Stop poking--OW! Stop! Who told you about any--OW!" With each second, the frustrated demands grew more and more subdued until they disapeared completely.
The haunting echoes filled the stage much to the disinterest of the pegasi flittering through her phone.
Pipp Petals...
...Lip syncs her music...
"..."
Pipp Petals...
...uses view bots...
"..."
Pipp Petals--
I'm sorry...
Are we inconveniencing you somehow?
"Huh?"
We're trying to run a show here...
...Get off your phone...
"In just a second, alright? I'm trying to find a signal."
Signal towers haven't been invented yet...
"So what? Are we in the stone age?"
That's it...!
Pip...
Get her phone...
"I have my phone."
Not you...
Pip...
"Yes?"
Not you Pipp...!
Not me what...?
I meant her...!
But you said Pip...
"Yes?"
A roar of frustration broke over the noise as Sunset Shimmer bolted onto the stage. In one slap, she knocked the princess' phone to the ground and started trampling it. "THERE! Now nobody has the phone!"
"My phone--!" Pipp started to protest before Sunset spun to face her with a bloodcurdling roar, "Your phone, your phone! I'm just gonna go!"
... Technology is tearing us apart.
I think Shimmer is the one who wants to do that...
Though confused by the circumstances, the stallion stood at attention under the call of the disembodied voices.
Hitch Trailblazer...
...poses nude for photoshoots...
"Aren't we always nude? Also! I put on outfits for those, so it's the exact opposite."
Hitch Trailblazer...
...is a nudist...
"Most ponies are naked. In a fact, I wear more close than most ponies on a regular basis. See my sash?"
Hitch Trailblazer...
...deflects his nude lifestyle on other ponies...
"I'm not--! You can go outside right now and see most ponies don't wear clothes!"
Hitch Trailblazer...
...advocates being a peeping tom...
"It's not being a peeping tom. No pony wears clothes. You're probably not wearing clothes."
Hitch Trailblazer...
...fantasizes about strangers not wearing clothes...
"I didn't say that!"
Now you know...
Hitch Trailblazer...
"No! No they don't! Look! I'm wearing a sash! I wear more clothes than anypony else! I'm not some creeper!" Hitch continued to desperately defend himself even as music swelled to drown him out more and more.
In stark contrast to those before, the pegasi on the stage seemed at ease as the lights settled upon her.
Princess Zephyrina Storm...
"Just Zipp. Don't need the title. Or the anything else."
...drinks orange juice straight from the carton...
"Alright, I did that once. There was barely any left in there and nobody else even likes OJ."
Princess Zephyrina Storm...
"Oh, alright. We're just ignoring what I say. Cool. No that's fine."
...lost her dog Cloudpuff and had it replaced with another so nobody noticed...
"WHO--would ever tell that kind of lie? What? That's... crazy."
Princess Zephyrina Storm...
...dyes her hair...
"No I don't."
Then why does your hair look different than your sister and mom...?
"W...Why does Sprout look different than his mom? I'm not a scientist."
Princess Zephyrina Storm...
...is accusing Phyllis of coltnapping...
"That's not on record. You can't use that. I didn't say that."
Now you know...
Princess Zephyrina Storm...
"You're not going to actually use that right? This isn't--like--recorded or anything? Right?" A pause filled the room and Zipp looked around the vacant space with an unconvincing smile, "R-Right...? Hello?"
The mare on stage looked none-too-pleased as the voiced echoed through, though she kept her comments to herself.
Sunny Starscout...
...runs a counterfeit mayonnaise ring out of her basement...
"I thought you invited me back to apologize!"
Sunny Starscout...
...eats chips from the bag...
"Alright, well, I live alone. So even if that was true--which it's not--it wouldn't matter."
Sunny Starscout...
...doesn't deny she runs a counterfeit mayonnaise ring out of her basement...
"You're throwing so many lies out there, I can't even keep track. Of course I don't run anything out of my basement. I don't even have a basement!"
Sunny Starscout...
...breaks into other ponies' houses to use their basements...
"How do you even counterfeit mayonnaise?"
You tell us...
"I don't counterfeit mayonnaise."
Then why do we have pictures of you handing the goods off...?
"No way. I don't believe you. Show me the pictures, or you're lying."
We can't...
...We already shipped them off to the police...
"Pft! Who? Sprout an Hitch?"
Sunny Starscout...
...doesn't have faith in her friend's ability to protect the peace...
"Wha-? No! No! I didn't say that! I was just--!"
Now you know...
Sunny Starscout...
"Wait, no. You're not going to show Hitch that I said that right?" As Sunny frantically looked around, calling out to anyone to listen, the closing music swelled louder and louder to drown her out, "Can someone turn down the music? I'm trying to talk! Hey, come on guys! I was joking!"
The silence was deafening even as the lone mare stood stage center beneath the life. No look of joy came to her as she searched the empty void of the set. Moment by moment as she cast her sights this way and that, a building displeasure crept in before she erupted into an exasperated groan. The hard clops of her hooves echoed as she retreated into the dark, killing the air of silence that hung a moment before.
...Seriously?
I say "I'm going out for lunch. Meet up at the set later?", and they all go--"Oh, don't worry. We'll see you there"...
IT'S TWO YEARS!
Burger Luna's food has a looong shelf-life, but I'm pretty sure it's not that long...
...
...Oh, still warm...
Guess I'll do the show without them until they remember how to open the front door...
Though the voice was different, the mare who had grown quite familiar with this set still slightly tensed at familiar words.
Twilight Sparkle...
...writes fan fiction in her spare time...
"Oh-well-I don't not write a little fiction from time to time..."
Twilight Sparkle...
...sells dragon scales under the table...
"Are you insinuating I'm taking Spike's scales? I wouldn't dream of doing that."
Twilight Sparkle...
...has no dreams when she sleeps...
"That's a huge leap from what I said. I have plenty of dreams. Every pony does. If we didn't, Luna wouldn't be doing her job."
Twilight Sparkle...
...thinks Princess Luna is slacking off too much...
"I did not! That's not at all--Wait, is this airing? You have to cut that part before the princesses see!"
Twilight Sparkle...
...bribes Princess Luna to give her dreams about selling dragon scales...
"What--!?"
...Then uses those dreams as fan fiction material...
"That's insane! Where's this train of logic coming from?"
Now you know...
Twilight Sparkle...
"Seriously, is this airing live? I still have a royal platform to keep up. I really can't have all that on the air about me!" Despite how much Twilight protested, the closing music just ramped up more and more to drown her out.
It was almost a comfort to not hear a chorus of voices for the silver-maned mare, though the look of caution did not stray too far from her as she waited on center stage.
Trixie...
...gives money to the homeless...
"Well, actually I have--waaaaait a second. I'm not falling for that. That's going to be some wind up to a joke about how I 'give money to the homeless' because I am homeless, hm? Not walking into that."
Trixie...
...teaches fillies magic in her spare time...
"Oh-ho! Now I bet you're going to insinuate that I can only do that because I'M only on par with children, right?! So-o-o-o obvious!"
Trixie...
...has more friends than enemies...
"Yeah? Why is that? Is it because I'm not worth anyone's trouble? Is that it? I'm not a threat to anyone! I see through this whole facade!" With a dramatic huff, Trixie scampered off stage, head held high as she reveled in her victory.
The farm pony couldn't help but notice a slight dinginess to the stage she had grown vaguely familiar with. And honestly, it could not have happened to a more deserving place.
Applejack...
...wrote a Broadneigh Musical twenty years ago...
"Uhh, can't say ah've got writ---How old do you reckon I am?"
Applejack...
...Goes by the pseudonym Nayroldo Bottomfinger...
"The hay's a sued-and-em? Ain't no pony named that neither."
Nayroldo Bottomfinger...
...is a miniature horse...
"My name ain't--! Wait... S'what's the difference between ah mini horse an' ah pony?"
Now you know...
Nayroldo Bottomfinger...
"Can y'all at least answer my question? Ain't they the same?"
You have no idea how ignorant you look right now...
...the whole town is laughing at you...
"But--It's just... Fer'get it!" Applejack flapped her hat off at the lights in a huff before stomping off, perhaps to find a book on the subject.
The meek mare debated if she should stand in the center light, or try and inch towards the edges just in case she needed to beat a hasty retreat.
Fluttershy...
...has three outstanding parking tickets...
"I-I don't... I don't have a wagon or anything. So... I couldn't have any tickets."
Fluttershy...
...sold her family wagon to beat the charges...
"No, I mean I never had one. There's no reason to have one, anyway. All my work is at home, and I don't have a license for one either."
Fluttershy...
...never renewed her wagon-license and has been working around the clock to cover her trail...
"B-But I never had one! I'm a good mare, I would never fight against the law!"
Fluttershy...
...pinned her crimes on Shutterfly and has been living under an assumed name...
"Who's Shutterfly?!"
You tell us...
Now you know...
Fluttershy...
"But-But I'm not a criminal! I correct the cashier when they forget to add the tax! I put my stamps on the right corner of my mail!" Fluttershy sniffled as she sulked off stage.
...We were all being told our place in the universe when the stage closed...
...That terrible times must come to an end just as the good times must...
Our place in the universe was provided and we knew it...
...Then it ended...
...And in that knowing of the end...
...We were happy...
And maybe--
Did my burger come with fries?
Yeah, they're in the bag.
And maybe--Wait! Where have you been?!
I went to Six Mares because the line was too long...
...Then I got lost...
It's been years!
I was really lost...
...There's no toy with my fries...
"I... Is this all permission for me to leave then?" The princess of the sun did not linger too much longer waiting for a response before quietly slipping out.
No, you're supposed to come in on the third one...
But there's only two of us...
...I thought I could move up a rank.
"Rank up"...?
Do you think there's some kind of leaderboard...?
"Um... Pardon me..."
One second...
IS there a leaderboard...?
...I'm not supposed to tell you about the leaderboard...
...I'm probably already in trouble for saying it to--...
...Well...
...We call you normies...
"Could I just-"
One. Second...!
Who said I'm a normie...?!
Nobody said your name exactly...
But it was implied...
Implie--? Who said it?!
"If you would not mind-!"
Rarity smells like hot goat cheese...!
Now you know Rarity!
LEAVE!
"Well...!" The elegant pony tossed her nose up in a huff and trotted herself out. She may not have been fan of the show, but she at least wanted to be paid attention to while she was there.
"Good day, sir Pip!" The princess of the night waved enthusiastically into the void, not entirely sure where the lad was, but happy to hear him.
Luna...
...blackmailed the theater troupe to give her a leading role...
How's work?
"Stressful, Pip, stressful. But, good work often is."
I hear that...
Luna...
...double dips her chips in the salsa...
Your sis doing alright these days?
"Spectacularly. She had been stressed a few days prier, but she returned home no worse for ware, and we are all better for it. I would think you would know a thing or two about perturbed sisters."
Don't I know it...
Luna...
...slaps vegiburger helper under the hooves of passing ponies...
Got any plans after this?
"Perhaps a nice stroll around the venue. Perhaps you will join me?"
Love to!
Okay...
I know when I'm not wanted...
I don't know how they did this show with you...
The subtle tap-tap-tap of hooves fading in the distance, leaving Luna and the singular voice behind. "...Misplaced aggression."
You said there was an abandoned biscuit truck tipped-over in here...!
...at first that didn't sound possible...
...But I couldn't risk it...
It was a clever ruse, I'm afraid...
Aww.
But I'll buy you a box of biscuits later.
...Go on...
We can't run this show on just the two of us...
...You're too soft to roll with me...
I'm the charming one...
Well we can't run on just charm and clever observations...
We need dirt...
...So we need to get the others here...
I'd love to see them!
...But I don't know how we'd find them...
I know one surefire way to get at least one here...
...But you need to trust me...
I'll do whatever--
OW! Why'd you hit me!?
Wait for it...
A cacophonous clatter filled the air as stage lights rattled and doors shuddered. A tremendous force cascaded through the whole of the studio before double doors near knocked free of their hinges, and a demonic presence loomed in the doorway. Eyes burning a sickly green fire, they glared into the studio, searching for the offender. "Who hurt my baby...?"
Bingo...
...Did you have to hit me in the back of the head...?
Spike could have sworn that everyone said the gang was broken up, never to be seen again. But as three voices echoed around him, he just sighed his disappointment.
Spike...
...mooches off random ponies' streaming services...
"Jokes on you: Twilight already pays for all of them. So nyeh."
Spike, a Dragon...
...specifically mooches off his landlord's accounts...
"She's not my landlord! We're family. You share your--Why am I debating with you on this?"
Spike the Dragon...
...changes the password on all the accounts when he's mad at Starlight...
"Once! And it gave me a prompt that said 'you haven't updated your password in blah-blah-blah', and I panicked!"
Spike D. Ragon...
...switches the mature lock off when everyone goes to sleep...
"...C...Can I go home?"
Now you know...
Spike...
"I'm just gonna... Go home... not for any--you know--particular reason..." He gradually excused himself, taking longer and longer strides towards the exit, until he was flying away at a breakneck pace.
Time after time the rainbow maned pony came to this set, and not once has she enjoyed it.
Rainbow Dash...
...Knows where it's buried...
"Where what's buried?"
Rainbow Dash...
...Would rather die than divulge the location...
"I have no idea... Are you talking about—like—treasure or something?"
Rainbow Dash...
...Only told her pet turtle where it's buried...
"First off, he's a tortoise. Second, I still don't know what you're talking about! Can you give me a hint or something?"
Rainbow Dash...
...Thinks tortoises aren't turtles...
"They aren't...! R...Right? They aren't right? Fluttershy kept insisting they were different."
Rainbow Dash...
...Believes the first thing she hears...
"B-But, she said--"
Now you know...
Rainbow Dash...
"I... I'm going to the library. NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING YOU SAID! I just... Whatever!" Rainbow Dash frilled her wings in a huff and scooted her way off.
...What is this scheme you've devised to bring -IT- back here...
It's super simple...
Shim...
Who's the funniest person you know...?
Why, Pipsqueak, there can only be one person who fits that description...
I know...
...But it's nice to hear it...
The funniest person I know...
...The most thoughtful in their comedic craft...
...The person who embodies joy itself...
...Is none other than Queen Chrysalis...
...What?
In an instant, light filled the whole of the stage as rubble rained from on-high. The roof of the stage was ripped free and open by a single enlarged claw. Mismatched eyes of a giant glared down into the space, bewildered by what they heard. "HER?! The last good joke she made was the day she was born, and she's been running that one into the ground for years!"
I bet you're wondering why I gathered you all here...
You--What?!
You gathered us all here!?
Nobody's seen you for months!
Yes...
...And I bet you're wondering why that is...
NO!
...I'm wondering...
Thank you Polly-Wanna-Pipper...
You see...
...After our momentous order was laid upon us...
...I found myself adrift in unfamiliar lands...
...I had to subsist on morning dew and pebbles for all the while...
...Eventually, when all else was lost, I found myself remembering my dear family...
...And I was eager to embrace my end...
You suck!
But!
Before sweet death could claim me...
...I remembered my boy...
...And I had to return...
...So now I'm here...
...
...
...Okay...
So what I'm hearing is that after you were told to go buy dinner at Burger King, you got lost in the parking lot, where you lived off of Mountain Dew and gravel for weeks instead of going inside the store...
...Then you remained there sulking in said parking lot--likely drawing everypony's attention as they just walked around you--until you heard Pip set you up for a punchline. Does that about cover it...?
...
...One would argue that gravel has the same nutritional value as Burger King.
