• Member Since 21st Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 22 hours ago

heirofaniu


Comments ( 27 )
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3368208
The single biggest issue with it is that it is seriously bloated. You could easily cut one third to one half of the word count of the story and lose nothing from a narrative perspective; particularly the lore dumps. The way it's currently written feels very unnatural, almost as if you had meant to put in annotations for the readers akin to CliffsNotes but then decided to just make it part of the narrative instead, and by doing that you take any momentum you've built in the story and drag it to a grinding halt. I feel it could be approached far more organically.

As it sits I _want_ to like this story, it has an interesting concept and the bits of lore you have for it that I had the patience for were intriguing, but the fact that it takes so much effort to read through three chapters of not advancing the plot in any meaningful way just to get to some of the actual meat of the story means that I think it's badly written.

Hi there. I see that you have added my story (And so I left) to your 'badly written' shelf.

Would you mind if I asked you what about the story you didn't like? I'm always looking make improvements to my work.

Thanks for the follow!

Thanks for the follow! :yay:

JackRipper
Moderator

Thanks for adding my story to your bookshelf! :twilightsmile:

  • Viewing 23 - 27 of 27
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