• Member Since 6th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 26th, 2018

TheTwerp


T

She had been stranded in the cold. Lost in the endless wastes beyond the edge of the map. A place where a tear drop freezes before it shatters on the ice beneath you. Princess Twilight Sparkle was about to give in, about to lose herself in the endless void.

When He came, the one they call Prophet.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 39 )

Interesting start I suppose, his behaviour was a bit odd when they were walking back to the camp, he seemed at least decently friendly then.

Might want to have a look at the part!

An interesting take on the idea of an ancient race! It's beautifully well written and I like the use of Russian, I am definitely following this

When I saw "They call me Prophet" I was thinking about Crysis 2 the whole time.

2293475 Well...I haven't got started on the Volken's magic yet. :pinkiehappy:

2293539 Hoho! The plot thickens! I'm sure this isn't gonna happen, but if he can cloak and stuff like that, I'll imagine the "Cloak Engaged" everytime he does :trollestia:. Following this story fo sho!

Nice start. What is a Volken? Just a winged wolf? Are they from something I am not aware of?

2293475 When I saw it I said the lines. I was like "They used to call me Prophet, Remember Me", except I didn't cap my self.

This is a good read.
Please write more.

Interesting... but the magic was kinda wrong, in my opinion. The volken(or whatever the species is called) shouldn't be able to use magic so powerfully. It maked the character a little too Godmodded(AKA Gary Stu). You got featured because of your interesting premise.

But a lot of terribly written fics(your fic isn't terribly written, just making an example) make it into the featured box because of an interesting premise.

Please don't dissapoint. your possible fans are watching.

EDIT: agh, I sound like a jerk.... I really don't wan't to come off as one.....
Please take what I said into consideration though.
A Gary Stu ruins a story FAST.

I Faved and Liked this so...:facehoof: Never mind. Cool story though:pinkiehappy:

2296203 I got featured?

Edit: Nah you don't sound like a jerk. :twilightsmile: It is one of the things I'm worried about, making him seem to powerful. That isn't quite what this is about, I don't want to spoil anything but...well he isn't the average Volken. I'm trying to build a character with a bit of a battered past but it's getting the right amount of vulnerability involved, no one should be all-powerful...even Celestia got beat down by a changeling.

First chapter would've been a lot more effective if you went into more detail. Try telling it more from Twilight's subconscious. Having Twilight talk to herself doesn't create any emotions with the readers. (And often comes off sounding like she's insane) Having her scream in dialogue doesn't help either, this is where verbs shine.

Explaining things to the reader also doesn't do much for creating emotion. Instead of saying what would happen to twilight if she didn't fix her horn. Just give the reader a story of twilight casting a spell, maybe having red hot pain shooting through her as the spell did its work, etc. (Stories are more effective when you let the reader draw the conclusions for themselves)

I hope this helps. While it wasn't a bad start, I didn't get any emotional feels to it. On one last note, the story summary seems to switch between third and second person.

2294826 Same here, it is generally good to avoid shooting yourself in the head.

So a winged wolf that speaks Russian
That is awesome:pinkiehappy:

Not too bad :D But check your "of's", as most of them should be "have's" i.e. Should HAVE, Could HAVE...

Also, the word is tenet, not tennant. A tenet is a common belief, while Tennant is the Doctor. :raritywink:

I've been enjoying thus far, hope to see more soon!

2349896 I actually spelled it Tenant not Tennant :twilightsmile: Either way fixed it.

I am excited for this story to progress further. And here I've been thinking as of late, all the worth while stories had been told :twilightsmile:

I really enjoy this story so far! Good stuff!

Your pittiful attempts at a cliffhanger do not phase me I just go and read some of the others stories I am currently reading.:pinkiecrazy:

A "Just so you know" thing I just did.

This story is really amazing. I love it. Keep up the good work and have a hug!
i.imgur.com/iOOc47P.gif

2349943 "You are far to easy to wind up!"
*too*
"Oh good your back!"
*you're*

So terribly sorry, but my inner Twilight kicked in:twilightblush:.
Seph? I get the reference to the Ceph. Finally, another brony-Crysis fanatic like myself. Have you played 3 yet?

2431552 Thanks for the corrections. :twilightsmile:

Yes I am a Crysis fan and yes 3 was awesome! :pinkiehappy:

Русский волк является лучшим волк :pinkiehappy:

Next chapter coming soon?

2510287 Yes, next chapter should be up soon! :twilightsmile: Sorry but I'm just finishing my University course this last few weeks and had no time to write anything.

To all who care! I know I said this a while ago but the next chapter won't be long! My Uni course is over now, phew, I am just waiting on results. In the mean time I am spell-checking the latest chapter, literally tonight. :twilightsmile:

All being well this weekend you should have the next part of the story! Lot of talking in this one as Prophet talks more on his people while the pair travel together.

Good to see this back, stinks that we won't see any more for a while...

the plot thickens (the plot get it plot bwhaha heehe.)

Oh my LUNA YOU NOT DEAD :yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

Your grammar has improved, and you have gained my unwavering attention

Still, pumped! Glad to see you didn't abandon this story C:

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