An old friend of Twilight's comes to Ponyville. His appearance has put into motion a set of events that may lead to the destruction of all of Equestria
Chapters (4)
Blood Blader
Joined 25th Aug, 2012 ·
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sounds good and nice pic will see where this is heading
you need to work on your spelling and maybe be a little more descriptive and dramatic in the writing, other than that pretty okay
2046456
thanks the pic was made by Tharesan as a commission to bad he does not make any more pony art or even considers himself a brony anymore. And I hope I won't let anyone down with my story.
2047886
Thanks for the pointer I will try and fix things as I go
Also this is the first fanfic I started working on so there are bound to be more mistakes then the others
The first chapter was great,, this one was a little frustrating but I'm definitely going to add this one to the stories I've favorited.
Take your time and have fun. YOU write when YOU want and we wait PATIENTLY and read.
nice uhm dont remember favving this lol anyway nice to see you out of your writers block
2996079
yep my strategy of working on more then one fic worked.
i was able to come up with a way to go farther, once i get to the action i will be able to put it out faster, slow diologe filled parts are what kills me, but it is best for setting things up.
2145668
you mean you liked the prologue and found the first chapter frustrating.
why is ch1 frustrating to you?
How many times do you reread a chapter? If you say zero, then smack yourself in the head, please. Or if you have no time to do it for yourself, then get a proofreader.
Some words weren't really fit into the place in my opinion.
I would have written 'cheered', instead of 'screamed'. It gives the wrong idea... okay, a hilarious one, but still. *Snort* Sorry, it's just that, I pictured a screaming little Blade, who was hysterically bellowing pancakes, instead of chirping happily for them. Sadly, i doubt your goal was to give the wrong, yet hilarious idea... (This can be prevented, by rereading your work and looking at the story from a reader's perspective.)
Well, this was a rather sudden change, I have to say. With some formating, you can make this time change a little more special. It's not really enjoyable. Let's say, the whole flashback event is in italic and the 'Back to present.' could be placed after a page break or a series of unique markings.
Examples:
And here you would continue writing in normal. You get what I am saying? Make the happenings stick out and make us carve every event into our memories, by helping us to remember them. Formating is one way to do it, the other one is writing style, which you are probably developing...
Also... Apple Jack? You ought to look it up, what it is. You meant Applejack, the cute little farm mare, who would buck your teeth out, if she finds out you mixed up a beverage with her very being...
So, the things you should do:
- Reread for grammar, so people won't feel frustrated.
- Choose your words widely, because it might give the wrong idea.
- Formating, so you leave behind a memorable story. (Which is why we write, along with the fun part.)
- Elaborate on the situation, in order to make the most unimportant event interesting, so it won't feel rushed.
And a personal suggestion... DO. NOT. RUSH! Give two sits about what people tell you!
Ignore these and write when YOU want. If you so desire, take a month-long break, so you feel ready for the next chapter. Work on a chapter for several days, with enough time to recollect yourself. No one is pushing you, so do take this advice and make sure to not allow your downfall to occur, all because of inpatient readers!
I did not point out every mistake. It is YOU, who have to see them, in order to improve on yourself! Remember, there is no bad story... just bad storyteller...
~Adam
Ps.: Patiently waiting for next chapter. You have a nice plot (Yes, in both ways.) , so do improve on the writing itself, for your and the readers' pleasure. As of right now, I would give 10/6.5 on this story. Just because I listed up your flaws, that doesn't mean that the cons aren't the dominant one in this case.
In short: You have high potential, so do not falter and keep on writing! People are interested in your work, but will leave you eventually, if you won't improve!
3100482
thanks for pointing those out for me, i will go back through the chapter and fix them and any more i catch.
and yes i did forget to do read trough on it
i did not have my pc for the last two weeks and was in a rush to finish this chapter.
3100821
... is all I can say... again, actually. It's one thing you want to finish up something quickly, but make sure to do it right... which is impossible, if you rush, so... patience... for both you and the readers.
That right there pretty much turns me away from this. I decided to read some anyway. You need to get an editor there are grammar and spelling mistakes in almost every sentence. Also I get the strangest feeling that your OC is going to be taking a dip into the Sea of Stu'dom.
3689997 sorry
, i know i need to go back through and fix those
Spoilers: I bet it doesn't.
Also, you may be pregnant.
Because you missed a period.
4197679 lol thanks for showing me that.
Why did you capitalize the title?
The prologue is confusing and could use an edit but I think I can continue to read this story hopefully it gets better.
I like this story but you need an editor to help with the spelling and grammar mistakes.
and you could be a little more descriptive with your scenes.