Rarity is a Queen of fashion and beloved by all and yet somehow she is still single.
Roseluck is a tomboy who dreams of being more of a mare.
Can they help each other find happiness?
~~~Follow-on from previous story:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51662/Applejack-and-the-Carrot-Twins~~~
~~~No need to read previous story but a few things might make more sense.~~~
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Here we go Chapter 1 of my new ship fic attempt. After some rightly placed critique on the last attempt I have tried to slow down and try to bring more character development to the story.
Still not to happy with Roseluck development and I'm planning to flesh her out a bit more in the next chapter.
I have been writing a story in a day and then posting it without really checking it over. So instead I've decided to write the chapter, read it over next day and then post it. It put this chapter up from 1500 words and garbled mess to 3000 words and much more coherent so I think that's an improvement.
Tell me what you think and if you like please click the like button.
Aiming for about five chapters coming weekly but sooner if I can manage - College has finally started again.
(Shameless self promotion:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51662/Applejack-and-the-Carrot-Twins)
(Shameless self promotion:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51135/Weekend-At-Pinkies)
(Shameless self promotion:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/50574/The-Magicians-Duel)
You know? I dont think other fandom has so many lesbian stories as this one
Well seeing as Equines are based off a herd society and the fact they are generally friendly with each other I don't really think they care who they love...
Uh that sounded better in my head...
Generally speaking, thoughts should be in italics
The biggest problem with this is one that I see all the time.
Show Don't Tell
1308638 crap missed that - thanks
Much better composed/written than the prequel to this.
1308585 Yeah, what is it 1M to 20F?
1308615 You may have failed to click to respond button (edit it in, is easy)
Also, everything sounds better in one's head, as they understand it.
1308585 OC colts... though everyone seem to hate OC's and that *Gregory house's tone* makes perfect sense
Whelp this took a lot longer than I thought it would... don't really like this chapter but I need to get this up or I will just lose confidence in writing this story.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter which will be about both parties preparations before date night. Looks to be much more fun.
Any spelling errors or thoughts please comment and as usual if you like please click like button.
I like this, better than your last one. The pace is slower and the characters feel better developed. I spotted a few mistakes but other than that I sort of have no problems with this story. I mean it's not great or spectacular, my mind is not blown and I am not giddy with excitement, but this does feel like a pretty good ship fic and I've got no problems with it. Too early for me to make any call's on character arcs or developing relationships, but this is definitely a good set up for what I hope to be a good story.
On a side note would you ever consider returning Applejack and the Carrot Twins? I mean, that story was pretty meh to be honest, but it was an interesting idea and there were moments in there that made me think it could have been a good story. I'd quite like to read basically a better version of that story, and you seem to me to be capable of writing such a fic.
Anyway, good work and good luck with your story.
1363691 Mmm I have already thought about a re-write for AJ and the C twins but I'm unsure...while I might not re-write I may do another focused on their relationship with another member.
Thanks for the input I'm just feeling my way round with writing I've got some ideas for more unique stories but I don't just don't fell like I can put it down correctly.
After quickly but skilfully finishing Applejacks order she had cancelled all other incoming orders and informed all her current clients that their orders were going to be delayed for a weeks. a few weeks?
Dealing with her job she then turned toward her sibling that was staying with her until her parents had returned from another one of their honeymoons. Sweetie Belle was such a little gem but her influence could scare away any new love interest so
Rarity had shipped Sweetie Belle to see her Aunt Emerald and Uncle Steam for a while. Why is there a gap between so and Rarity?
she hadn’t really paid any attention to the mare as she had approached the stall in shear boredom as she had yet to find any candidates worth considering. Consider Rephrasing.
Rarity however had encountered a problem that had crippled her before she even could act. You see Rarity was used to flattery and flirting when it was harmless. She had flirted and often been mistaken for being very experienced in the matters of love, but in truth, Rarity had never been on a date before.
You see Rarity was a coward.
I'm not 100% what's wrong in this paragraph, but it just seems wrong. I think it might be because of the PoV, mostly the "You see" part. I'm not sure if it's even technically wrong, but it just seems odd.
1365033 Thanks for the error check.
Cools, find interesting and it is much better than the previous (may have already stated that) and how shall this godl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
You have taken my two favorite ponies and made a story about them.
How can I not love this?
Not a bad story, though a bit sparse with the descriptions. I also noticed some grammatical mistakes, the most egregious being
Spruce this story with some more descriptions, and it could really shine. Also, not enough Roseluck stories out there in my opinion.
Does that make it...
::puts on sunglasses::
Rosehip?
YYYEEEAAAHHH!!!
1309285 1309855
The thing that I hate about OC's is that the author tends to have someone from the canon cast fall in love with them. There are plenty of background characters in a show like this if the main cast doesn't appeal to you. Why make up something new?
I'm afraid you've done it here as well. Really need to keep an eye out for that.
Do you have a proofreader? If so, I recommend you tell them to be on their toes a little better than this.
Pretty great
You should write another chapter the instant you finish reading this comment.