• Member Since 6th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 26th, 2018

TheTwerp


T

Rarity is a Queen of fashion and beloved by all and yet somehow she is still single.
Roseluck is a tomboy who dreams of being more of a mare.

Can they help each other find happiness?

~~~Follow-on from previous story:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51662/Applejack-and-the-Carrot-Twins~~~
~~~No need to read previous story but a few things might make more sense.~~~

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 20 )

Here we go Chapter 1 of my new ship fic attempt. After some rightly placed critique on the last attempt I have tried to slow down and try to bring more character development to the story.

Still not to happy with Roseluck development and I'm planning to flesh her out a bit more in the next chapter.

I have been writing a story in a day and then posting it without really checking it over. So instead I've decided to write the chapter, read it over next day and then post it. It put this chapter up from 1500 words and garbled mess to 3000 words and much more coherent so I think that's an improvement.

Tell me what you think and if you like please click the like button. :twilightsmile:

Aiming for about five chapters coming weekly but sooner if I can manage - College has finally started again.

(Shameless self promotion:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51662/Applejack-and-the-Carrot-Twins)
(Shameless self promotion:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/51135/Weekend-At-Pinkies)
(Shameless self promotion:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/50574/The-Magicians-Duel)

You know? I dont think other fandom has so many lesbian stories as this one:unsuresweetie:

1308527

Well, who else do you expect to ship them with? The guy to girl ratio goes heavily in the girls favor.

Well seeing as Equines are based off a herd society and the fact they are generally friendly with each other I don't really think they care who they love...

Uh that sounded better in my head... :twilightblush:

“It’s quite brisk today.” Rarity thought to herself

Generally speaking, thoughts should be in italics

The biggest problem with this is one that I see all the time.
Show Don't Tell

1308638 crap missed that - thanks

Much better composed/written than the prequel to this.

1308585 Yeah, what is it 1M to 20F?

1308615 You may have failed to click to respond button (edit it in, is easy)
Also, everything sounds better in one's head, as they understand it.

1308585 OC colts... though everyone seem to hate OC's and that *Gregory house's tone* makes perfect sense

1309285

Actually it does. You see, with most OC's, they tend to be Mary Sues or the like. It's those rare times that you encounter a male OC that isn't totally Mary Sue.

Whelp this took a lot longer than I thought it would... don't really like this chapter but I need to get this up or I will just lose confidence in writing this story.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter which will be about both parties preparations before date night. Looks to be much more fun. :pinkiehappy:

Any spelling errors or thoughts please comment and as usual if you like please click like button. :twilightsmile:

Y1

I like this, better than your last one. The pace is slower and the characters feel better developed. I spotted a few mistakes but other than that I sort of have no problems with this story. I mean it's not great or spectacular, my mind is not blown and I am not giddy with excitement, but this does feel like a pretty good ship fic and I've got no problems with it. Too early for me to make any call's on character arcs or developing relationships, but this is definitely a good set up for what I hope to be a good story.

On a side note would you ever consider returning Applejack and the Carrot Twins? I mean, that story was pretty meh to be honest, but it was an interesting idea and there were moments in there that made me think it could have been a good story. I'd quite like to read basically a better version of that story, and you seem to me to be capable of writing such a fic.

Anyway, good work and good luck with your story.

1363691 Mmm I have already thought about a re-write for AJ and the C twins but I'm unsure...while I might not re-write I may do another focused on their relationship with another member.

Thanks for the input I'm just feeling my way round with writing I've got some ideas for more unique stories but I don't just don't fell like I can put it down correctly.

Prepare jokes, prepare jokes....

BE PREPARED! (Lion King)

farm6.staticflickr.com/5226/5848677673_46b0000217_m.jpg

PONIES! PREPARE FOR GLORY! (300)

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZCZv1QB4RAQ1RcarlH4dDWLx-6kD7j9tm_HXYp4k_Pf3PemVKZA

That's all I can think of for right now. We'll see if anything else comes up. Good work by the way.

After quickly but skilfully finishing Applejacks order she had cancelled all other incoming orders and informed all her current clients that their orders were going to be delayed for a weeks. a few weeks?

Dealing with her job she then turned toward her sibling that was staying with her until her parents had returned from another one of their honeymoons. Sweetie Belle was such a little gem but her influence could scare away any new love interest so

Rarity had shipped Sweetie Belle to see her Aunt Emerald and Uncle Steam for a while. Why is there a gap between so and Rarity?


she hadn’t really paid any attention to the mare as she had approached the stall in shear boredom as she had yet to find any candidates worth considering. Consider Rephrasing.

Rarity however had encountered a problem that had crippled her before she even could act. You see Rarity was used to flattery and flirting when it was harmless. She had flirted and often been mistaken for being very experienced in the matters of love, but in truth, Rarity had never been on a date before.
You see Rarity was a coward.
I'm not 100% what's wrong in this paragraph, but it just seems wrong. I think it might be because of the PoV, mostly the "You see" part. I'm not sure if it's even technically wrong, but it just seems odd.

1365033 Thanks for the error check. :twilightsmile:

Cools, find interesting and it is much better than the previous (may have already stated that) and how shall this godl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png

You have taken my two favorite ponies and made a story about them.

How can I not love this?

Not a bad story, though a bit sparse with the descriptions. I also noticed some grammatical mistakes, the most egregious being

“Their right you know.” Her inner self whispered.

Spruce this story with some more descriptions, and it could really shine. Also, not enough Roseluck stories out there in my opinion. :duck:

She was a pale yellow mare with a rose coloured mane that was usually done up in a modern style that could be considered “hip”.

Does that make it...
::puts on sunglasses::
Rosehip?
YYYEEEAAAHHH!!! :flutterrage:

1309285 1309855
The thing that I hate about OC's is that the author tends to have someone from the canon cast fall in love with them. There are plenty of background characters in a show like this if the main cast doesn't appeal to you. Why make up something new? :facehoof:

“Well I mean your Rarity the element of generosity

“Nonsense without you I’d still be stood here being silly!”

I'm afraid you've done it here as well. Really need to keep an eye out for that. :twilightsheepish: Do you have a proofreader? If so, I recommend you tell them to be on their toes a little better than this.

Pretty great :twilightsmile:

You should write another chapter the instant you finish reading this comment.

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