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Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,759 stories ·3,960 members
Staghorn is Chrysalis's second youngest child (don't let that description fool you, he has a wife and two kids about the same age as Applebloom) and is next in line for the throne. he is as smart as a whip and he has a big heart. so it's no surprise that when his mother comes home, he has a plan. a crazy, insane Plan. But is Peace really an option?
(First two chapters are a little rushed, sorry)
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After first chapter i though it will be comedy.
Well, I admit that there will be some comedy, I'm just not sure if it will be enough to warrant a comedy tag though. thank you for commenting!javascript:smilie('
'); (emoticons are my enemy)
To anyone reading this chapter now: Yes, I am aware that it seems rushed, but i actually spent some time on it. (Typing=hard
)
If you have any comments, please voice them!
Also, my entry does not count as "First" so have at it.
Hmm very short, too short. Try to make chapter atleast 1k+ words
If it was few weeks already in ponyvile then they should know much more about changelings. You shouldn't skip that few weeks just in one line.
Maybe write some more reactions like situation with Zecora in show. That will show some doubts from changelings side (how can that work if they just run from them? Or "the horror" scenes). Or maybe they are in disguises actually that wasn't said (maybe add element that Celestia forbidden them to go in with disguises).
2126625 Thank You for your comment! I actually intend to veer away from the main story occasionally to go into a little more detail. the next entry will fully detail the conditions of the treaty.
i hope that will be helpful, and thank you for actually reading this!
P.S. What does the Twist emoticon mean?
2126965
Dunno i don't use those emoticons xD
Oh, Well, thanks anyway. I'm gonna start on the Third chapter now. Thanks for reading this! if you know how to tell others, could you? I need all the help I can get.
Good job my friend. I'm eager to read more.
2128766 Well Thank You!! I actually Plan on reading your story as soon as I finish Chapter 3!!!
)?
also, what is the meaning of this emoticon (
Alright. Good start, but you need more descriptive settings/emotions! Build up on emotions, not exposition!
2128874 Thank You!! you're not the first one to say that, and I am currently working on chapter three, which, with any luck, will add more character depth to the story. It's helpful to keep in mind that the first two chapters were essentially from Stag's point of View, but Chapter 3 should help a lot.
Also, I'm surprised that no one's asked me about the meaning of the "curse words" in chapter 1 yet.
Until someone actually asks, though, I'll only say that they do not translate into any English curse words.
And also, thanks for commenting! I need all the help I can get!!
And also a good Cover Picture and a link to it. maybe one showing the scene in chapter 1 where Stag is hog-tied by the Mane Six?
for a reference, he looks similar to the version of King Metamorphosis created by aeroytechyon-x.deviantart.com (Sorry, link won't work for some reason)
HUZZAH!!! CHAPTER #3!!!!
, but here is some tantalizing Foreshadowing:
Unfortunately, Chapter 4 will take a while
Rainbow Dash
Cloudsdale
Changeling triplets seeking employment
the Weather Team
Cameo appearance of another author's avatar/OC
The brief appearance of a famous Radio Show (hosted by a certain DJ, her cousin/roommate, and a changeling)
Do I have a lot of Work ahead? Eeyup
Now Fight over Who gets the title of first to comment! The Prince Commands It!!!
...er...I mean... please comment
Still need to work about chapters lenghts.
One thing, you said they are secretive but Prince act totally opposite.
And that story need some villian or somekind evil machination, or make it comedy :P
2130891 I'm Aware that the Prince acts the opposite of every other Changeling, and I will fix it so it explains why in the next chapter.
as for chapter length, I'm Trying as hard as I can to make sure chapter 4 is 1000 words at least.
as for the villain or evil machination, well...What would you say if I said Twilight finds something in the Everfree after the Winter Wrap-Up? Something small, and black, with Turquoise cat eyes?
Also, did I do good portraying Vinyl? I know it's not much, but still, does it sound like it could be her?
2131007
Dunno Vinyl have only fanon characteristic.
2131008 I'm Aware of That, but I mean does it seem like something she would say?
2131018
Yeah, you for sure don't have problem with OOC
2131206 Okay, sorry for sounding like a complete noob, but I still don't know what OOC means.
I'm Very sorry, but I'm glad I managed to apparently get her character right.
So Other than the problems you pointed out, is this an improvement?
2131248
Yea, but like you see you don't have much of attention, there is a lot of to upgrade.
OOC- out of character
2131330 Okay, now I get It. Thank you. Let's hope I do a little bit better on Chapter 4.
)... Well I calculate that Queen Chrysalis has enough changelings to rival the populations of Ponyville and Appleoosa combined, and my idea for the castle size is... fairly large (Magic makes some parts bigger on the inside, plus the small tunnel network the changelings are working on)
Also, if you're wondering about Pinkie (SEVEN WEEKS AND NO WELCOME PARTY YET!?!
What does all this mean? Weeks of planning, baking, preparing, and figuring (Planning a party is hard work, and a party of this size...)
Interestingly enough, a major "ingredient" of any good pastry is love. Heh, Heh, Heh...
Anyway, thanks again for staying with the story this long!
Also, I have read over the definition of Crossover, but if a fic crosses with another fic, is it still technically a crossover even if the events of one are happening "behind the scenes" as it were?
On another note, is my story better described as Slice of Life or Adventure?
CHAPTER 4 IS UP!!! I WISH FOR REVIEWS!
KREKKGA NIKSHIMAST KRINTOXXI!!!
("The prince politely requests that you respond, offering it as a suggestion in a tone of voice that makes it seem like a command" in Ancient Changeling)
(Yes, that is a literal translation of those three words in a language I made up for this fic)
(Writing a new language is fun)
Nice. I like it. You really got a thing going here. Waking patiently for the next chapter. Still wondering what Pinkie has in the wagon.
Hope it is not a batch of 'cupcakes'. 
2133545
...NO!
Well, technically yes, but not that kind. Let's consider for a minute:
Pinkie does one thing when a new pony comes to town.
It has been 7 weeks since the changelings came (9 weeks since the invasion attempt)
There are possibly enough changelings to rival the combined population of Ponyville and Appleoosa
Pinkie has not been seen since chapter one
any guesses as to what she could have been doing?
(if this comes across as harsh, i'm sorry, it's not supposed to be, I just want to see if the information helps you guess as to the mystery wagon's contents.)
Also, i'm worried I didn't portray rainbow well enough. your thoughts?
You put the words you want Italicized in between the brackets you see.
One little thing, by the way; is it really a good idea, you think, to be switching from first to third person point of view?
Now its much better 1,5k words and that should be your minimal chapters longevity ;p
Don't do that "*" marks just do this somehow in story, ofc you don't need to explain just after something happens. Maybe later with story progress reader will get that facts. Reader don't need to be omniscient, some stuff we can learn with our fellow ponies
And i need to say you have very good grip on characters of canon ponies, RD is harsh, blunt and show off and you showed that.
2134649 Okay, it's just that I saw it on another fic and thought it would be helpful if I did something similar. chapter 5 will be a long while in coming though.
2134603 Thank You! Do you mean like this?
IT WORKED!!!
Also, I think this is the best way to write the story, but i'm considering only doing one other chapter like this before re-entering the main story line I left off at in chapter 2.
RD? Hardest to portray? Never heard that. But your impersonation of her is pretty accurate.
2140779 Well Thank You!
*
I was told she was the hardest to get right because when most newbies try, they either make her a complete jerk or a complete idiot. I'm glad i apparently managed to get her right on the first try! I deserve a smug face :*
2140890 oh, I guess that does make sense. Pinkie Pie is a bit easier because you can exaggerate her personality and it's still spot on
2140900 Yeah, Pinkie's fun to try because she's so random!
or the Rainbow Factory
And once again, Brilliant work on your fic!
I'm so sick of stories that portray Pinkie as Insane, and i hate any fics along the lines of "Cupcakes"
They Make Pinkie Cry
2140955 LOL. Once again, I am flattered!
2142089 I live to please.
!
I am a troll's worst nightmare because I learned from the best
Discord: O RLY?
me: FUS ROH
Celestia:
me: get out.
and also, 2 DISLIKES!?!
Well it's about time!
I wonder who they are?
I honestly don't care if they like the story or not, i'm just glad people are reading it.
but everyone who likes this story gets cake and a moustache
This was your best chapter! I enjoyed your interpretation of Lyra and your OC's character development. Keep it going!
Hmm wasn't that bad but i had feelings like half of this was good described but other was totally skipped or rushed.
2153386 I'm Glad you liked it! I Pinkie Promise the next chapter will be pinkie-centric. and you know I won't break it because, well...
Can you please explain what parts you mean?
[youtube=8O9HVV-vPMM]
2153417 Rushed?
2153567
Maybe not rushed, but lack of descriptions
2153567 LOL, gettin' trigger-happy with the ability to post YouTube videos?
2153582 Sorry, just really happy!
2153581 Okay, but can you please explain what parts you mean? I don't mean to sound rude, it's just that I need you to explain so I can improve.
Here is one of biggest lack of description, you should write more than just "Her anger dissipated".
I dunno something like that:
"Her anger decreased with with equal speed like puffiness of Pinkie mane, she just can't stand that sight. Happiness flowing out from that mare was one of most depressing sight what can ever be."
Heh yea i know my grammar is tragic, but look how one short description highlights that specific and i can say important (because its trigger to behavior change) scene/though.
Good side of that story was randomness of Mirror encounter.
I don't know what to think about that Lichs grandpa, i know you wanted to make reader "wat?" but just ... i dunno
2158482 Fixed! and the grandpa will come into play at a later date, so it's not just a "what?" moment. Thank you for being descriptive! Don't be afraid to tell me what you think of my blog as well!
2158545
It was only proposition to show difference xD
2158578 I'm just glad you don't hold back on the critique. Keep up the good work!
Also, does the price of the ballroom seem like enough? because it's fairly fancy.
I imagine the Equestrian bit to equal about one American dollar, and if the quid equals 5X the bit... well, you do the math.
100 VIEWS!?!
YES! I CAN FINALLY DO SOMETHING STUPID I WON"T BE ABLE TO DO AGAIN UNTIL I GET 100 FOLLOWERS!
[youtube=w3EagFXLx3Y]
Sorry about that... it won't happen again until I get 100 followers.
Just for anypony who is curious, Black Azog's screech sounds like the deeper notes of this:
[youtube=hVAWwWi0DbE]
Ironically, this is exactly what a changeling war-trumpet sounds like.
In my opinion, the carnyx is one of the creepiest-sounding instruments.
if you have other ideas on what the mystery beast sounds like, please comment with a video!
I thought that Thromnambular spoke in rhymes. Then again this is a crossover and AU fic.
2164504 Different Thromnombular, same basic idea, but he's more important and less ironic. Glad you managed to get the reference!
And I'm Glad you are enjoying the fic!
2164520 Anytime. When I watched the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, I remember the episode with Thromanbular in it and I think it's a very underrated episode (with Thromnambular as my Ensemble Darkhorse) due to it's chaotic and ironic nature (especially Puddin's wish). There is only one other fic that has Thromnambular in and it is hilarious.