Staghorn's Plan
PEACE AT LAST?
PART 1: NEW NEIGHBORS
"...King Metamorphosis looked out across the field at the opposing army. He turned to his companions, Lord Rex of the Diamond Dogs and Chief Strong Back of the Buffalo. Together, they turned to their forces, a combined army of the three races."
" 'Today, we fight for the freedom of our tribes!' began the changeling. 'No longer shall we suffer at the hands of Tirek! while the Elements fight him to the north, we shall fight his forces here! Now we shall...' "
The door opened and Staghorn looked up from his book. There was his mother, Queen Chrysalis, battered, beaten, and bruised.
"I take it the invasion went poorly?" he began.
His mother gave a small, light-hearted chuckle. "You have no idea. But how was it here, Staghorn?"
It was at that moment, High-General Double came behind the queen. Like Staghorn and Chrysalis, she was a Royal changeling, almost as tall as the queen, and with eyes that had definitive pupils. Staghorn smiled and brushed against her, enjoying the feel of her bristly black coat. She spoke.
"It's good to see you, Stag. Did our kids behave?"
"Yes, although your daughter is quite the talker. She drove her brother crazy while you were gone."
Double chuckled. "We agreed that on weekends, Silkworm was your daughter."
The prince laughed. Then his mother coughed. He turned back to her.
"Repairs have been made to the castle, though I'm afraid a rust monster got into the armory. We managed to chase it out before it could cause too much damage, though. Now then, the invasion?"
his mother sighed. "We were defeated when that Meinu princess and her Rokudenashi groom blasted us with a magic shield of love."
Staghorn considered this, ignoring the two curse words in Ancient Changeling (Modern Neighponese) that his mother had said. "They must have overloaded your systems. A changeling's body can only absorb so much love."
"You knew this would happen, didn't you?"
"Well, King Carapace tried it once 1,000 years ago, and the same thing happened. And should you really use those words? wasn't Cadence your friend?"
Chrysalis hung her head in shame briefly before regaining her composure. "Well then, my son, what do you suggest?"
Her son smiled. "Mother, when I was serving in Boardor, I met a minotaur by the name of John Caverns. He was a technological genius who owned a combustable lemon farm, based on the principle 'when life gives you lemons, you use them to burn down life's house.' I think he meant 'work with what is available.' And I intend to do just that."
...
"Peace? After what your Queen attempted?"
Celestia was not only shocked by the idea, but by the fact that the changeling before her had managed to get to the throne room to suggest it to her personally.
"It's not as if we're asking for forgiveness, it's just that my mother is confused. Certain... circumstances occured, and she went temporarily insane."
Celestia eyed the changeling prince.
"Sister, perhaps thou should not be quick to condemn an entire race for the actions of one individual. Remember, his kind was much help during the time of Tirek's rule."
Celestia looked at Luna, remembering full well the incident. She, Luna, and the other original bearers had only managed to get to the dark lord's castle because of help from the changelings.
And then there was the fact that Chrysalis was once a trusted ally...
"Very well," she sighed. "Let me see the treaty."
...
A castle flying through the sky was a sight to behold, even if it was only a small one. it was lifted by a glow, as if every changeling in the swarm was lifting it.
Which they were.
Queen Chrysalis looked around, before spotting a large field, beyond which lay Sweet Apple Acres. "There!" she cried.
Staghorn looked at her choice of land. "Well... it is outside their property."
"That's good enough for me!"
...
Below, Applejack looked up when she heard a loud THUD!
Looking around, she saw the castle that had appeared beyond the farm. She could only say one thing.
"What in 'tarnation?"
...
The Ground Team instantly went to work setting the foundation of the castle, while Chrysalis and Staghorn surveyed the lay of the land.
It was then that they saw an orange earth pony mare in a Stetson come charging towards them, leading a group of five other mares: a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane, a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow mane, a white unicorn with an expertly coiffed purple mane, a pink earth pony, and a lavender unicorn. Strangely, Stag also noticed a young Draco drakus rex (more commonly known as the Purple King Drake) with them.
They stared at each other for a minute, and Staghorn realized that his mother had fled into the safety of the castle. It looked like he was in charge of being the welcoming committee.
"Hello, I..."
His legs were yanked out from underneath him by a rope that had been expertly thrown by the orange mare, who preceded to hog-tie me. Staghorn recognized a triple-hooved barrel hitch, invented by an earth pony by the name of Rope Trick. This mare knew her knots.
"Listen up! Ya got three seconds ta start explainin' 'afore ah make ya answer!"
He smiled. "You must be Applejack."
She looked surprised. "How..."
Staghorn changed into his alternate female form, a grey unicorn mare with a dark mane and a scroll cutie mark. He/she slipped out of the knot, turned into his male disguise (the same as the female, only, you know, male) and calmly sat down in front of the group. "I assume you all will feel more at ease talking to somepony who looks like a pony, even though, genetically speaking, we are close cousins." He smiled gently.
"What. Are. You. Doing. Here?" the purple mare asked in a voice that was calmly holding back a flood of anger.
At that point, the young dragon burped up his ignatus magika (the magic fire all dragons are capable of producing), revealing a scroll.
"That, Miss... Twilight, I believe? That should explain everything."
Twilight opened the scroll.
My faithful student Twilight Sparkle,
I have sent you this letter to tell you news that you may find shocking. My sister and I have signed a treaty with the changelings in order to maintain peace. In return, they have been granted permission to settle anywhere they choose outside Ponyville's borders. I want you and your friends to keep an eye on them.
-Princess Celestia
Twilight stood shocked. Stag smiled.
"I guess this means we're neighbors."
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After first chapter i though it will be comedy.
Well, I admit that there will be some comedy, I'm just not sure if it will be enough to warrant a comedy tag though. thank you for commenting!javascript:smilie('
'); (emoticons are my enemy)
Good job my friend. I'm eager to read more.
You put the words you want Italicized in between the brackets you see.
One little thing, by the way; is it really a good idea, you think, to be switching from first to third person point of view?
First things first, I will only be reviewing the first chapter, as that's the chapter that either makes or breaks your series.
This story needs:
-A sense of normality.
-More description.
-Better grasp on the characters.
-Exposition.
Lets start with the first one. The story starts off and we have no idea what the heck is going on, they're using language we've never heard the definition of, characters we don't know are all around, changelings, diamond dogs, buffalo are all prepared to battle. Give a sense of normality, show us who these characters are before you end up throwing them into fights. Also, if Chrysalis is alive, Metamorphosis cannot be the king...unless you're suggesting incest within the royal family.
The second problem is that there's barely any description. Characters are again, just there, and there's barely any image to them. As a writer you are suppose to paint pictures so the reader can see the world. Unless you plan on varying the information to the readers, then you some of it out. But this world, these characters, there's not much to go on.
Third problem, a better grasp on characters. I'll go with Luna and Celestia since they are the biggest horses in the room. Luna and Celestia are kind, loving, forgiving...however they are not stupid. Unless they would have something to solidify the fact they would be safe, they would not go along with it. Luna wouldn't be so willing to stand up for them, and I don't think Celestia could compare Luna's situation to the changelings. The changelings attacked the city, it was more than just one individual. Luna was possessed by jealousy, no other ponies or creatures were involved in it (as far as we know) she was one individual. Now, you tried to explain why they attacked. Chrysalis already did that, she didn't come for any other reason than:
A: She wanted to feed her subjects.
B: She wanted to rule over Equestria with them (This Day Aria should ring a bell, she's been dreaming of rule since she was young and even sings that she's proud after she invades. Now, even in an alternate universe, if you're suggesting she attacked, then you're suggesting that she did that.)
I also don't see any characterization of Metamorph and Double, this is where a sense of normality would have helped. Instead of them just being presented as they are, they could be introduced as they are and we could see the different ways they interact on a normal day. What they do, what they think, how they act etc.
Fourth problem, exposition, I have no clue what the hell is going on by the beginning, middle and end of this chapter. First it's war, then it's peace, just...what?! If you're gonna start off on war, then start off on war. Show us how it's affecting the changelings, how they suffer from it, same with the diamond dogs and the other guys. You can't just say that you're going to overthrow someone and then completely just ignore that scene. Let us know what's happening, but don't info dump us.
I can see potential, but you have to fix the errors and study literary elements before it shines through.
SO MUCH WIN!!!!
Also, that's MY farm!!
Hmm... I don't normally like sci-fi adventure things (it seems it is? but, i don't know
)... but... this is nice. Good job! Love it!
2175217 YES!!!!! SOMEONE FINALLY NOTICES IT!!!
there are all sorts of gems like that throughout the story (like the rust monster in chapter 1) so keep an eye out!
POINT THE FIRST: This opening, while entertaining, and while succeeding at laying the groundwork for the story, doesn't stay put long enough for the reader to settle in. And although fast pacing can work, in scenes like these which are all talking and exposition, it's generally preferable to take a slower pace.
I recommend extending the scene between Chrysalis and Stag, and the one between Stag and the Princesses, if nothing else than because the shortness of the scenes makes the transition jarring.
POINT THE SECOND: Place any and all text to be italicized between the bracket with an 'i' and the bracket with a '/i' in that order.
POINT THE THIRD: Dear lord was that first point long-winded, I hope that my advice was sound, and I wish to stress that not only did I find the chapter entertaining from a subjective standpoint, but that it is also quite superb on a technical standpoint.
I approve.
The setting is interesting, but...levitating a Castle?!
Even if they somehow got it off its foundations that would take...eh, every Changeling who ever lived, approximately, if even possible?
(Unless Changeling Castles are somehow more portable than what I had in mind.)
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I generally agree with some of 2173169's points, mainly that things seem rushed and in need of a more drawn-out sense of "normality", though it seems clear that Metamorphosis was a past King.
Moving their civilization into Equestria's borderers is...dubious off the bat, but moving the Castle as well kind of breaks suspension of belief.
It would seem to make more sense and be less of an effort to build some new shelter, perhaps renovating the abandoned castle in the Everfree.
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The treaty also seemed rushed, somewhat out of sync with Chrysalis' This Day Aria song, and it seems odd to order a former enemy to settle close to one's borders in peace: unless there was a military outpost nearby to keep a strong eye on them.
How many Changelings are in the swarm anyway?
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I see potential in this story, but it rushes too fast to dump the Changelings in Ponyville, doing in one chapter what should probably be done in at least two or three.
Just started reading this and damn this shit flew by.
Only you could pull off an uber rush.
da fuck? and what da fuck?!?
Japanese huh... とても面白いよね…
「ハウルの動く城」 (Howl's Moving Castle)