A fanfic writer specializing in adventure stories. Come check me out if you like adventures!
"Twilight…please, help. They're coming for me."
Trixie collapses on Twilight Sparkle's doorstep with nothing but these words, a monster in pursuit, and a whole lot of questions that need answering.
But the nearer Twilight gets to the truth, the nearer she gets to a dark conspiracy...
Can the shadows be stopped?
Featured on Equestria Daily -- July 5, 2014
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You may be astonished to learn this...but I'm rather fond of chess.
Also, thanks a whole lot to StimulatingDesign for her amazing cover art! Go spam the hell out of her deviantart page right now:
http://stimulatingdesign.deviantart.com/
I read the name and thought Oh I just love that song! Little did I know what I was actually clicking on.
This is shaping up to be a great story. The battle scenes are truly intense, and the chess references were very well done. Your timing outside of battles might need a little work; the
didn't really work with the overall tone, and might be better replaced with a description of Twilight's actions during the interval (show, don't tell), but other than that this was a fantastic opening chapter.
Also, removing my critiquer's hat... JUST SHOOT THE STUPID EARRING OFF!
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I honestly didn't even realize that was a song title; I was referencing the Book of Revelations instead. Still, it got the job done...
2088615
I was dissatisfied with that passage myself, actually. Keep up the critique; I'm always trying to improve my writing.
Looks like an interesting story. I'll keep an eye on it as I'm always game for a good adventure story.
Keep at it!
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Will do! Thanks for your support!
Saw the title lurking at the bottom of the front page, and immediately wondered if there was any relation to Piers Anthony's On A Pale Horse.
I'll have to take a look, although I typically loathe content with Trixie in it, this could be very interesting.
it's nice to see an arthur who treats spike more like a dragon than a baby
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Yes, yes, and yes! Spike's a pint-sized dragon...but he's still a dragon, dammit!
Today's Drawfriend brought me here.
I'm glad it did.
Chess and ponies? With Trixie and Twilight? What's not to like!?
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
I heard a voice like thunder saying 'come and see', and I looked and beheld a pale horse, and the name of he who rode upon it, was Death...and Hell followed with him...
...this could be epic.
Fav'd and upvoted!
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Thanks for stopping by! When I found out the cover my friend made for me showed up on EQD...Minds were blown.
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Aw, Yes! Finally someone gets the origin of my title! I'm excited for this, too.
AND you have my complete attiention. This looks to be good!
By the way, I am not the only one who, whenever Dash pulls off an awesoem save or heroic thing, Loyalty starts playing in my head at full volume right?
2097237
"Loyalty"? Don't know the song you're talking about, good fellow. Throw a link my way?
Also, a friggin' Ponyfied Edward Elric as a picture? YOU ROCK
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Sure thing, as I said...its Rainbow's image song for me and thank you for the complliment by the way
A nice start, keep going.
What you have here is good
2105354
I plan on it, good sir.
2105455 Excellent
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors. Now how in the world am I the first member to review this thing?! It's AWESOME! Like...This awesome!
Name of Story: On a Pale Horse.
)
Grammar score out of 10: 9 (Psh, Don't take my word on grammar though. I suck at it.
Pros:
The Battle! Goodness, it's so...detailed and I could see it in my eyes! I felt my heart flutter a little. Whoo!
Twilight. You got her down pretty darn well.
The pacing of the fight, how you brought everyone in.
And of course, the mystery. Trixie, poor Trixie, did you steal something to get those Pinecones?
Cons:
The monster itself. One has to wonder how somepony doesn't recongnize the Bearer of the Elements. What with saving Canterlot and Equestria quite a bit.
Zecora. If you killed her. You will suffer.
Notes Section: I've said all I needed to! Honestly, I adore your story and will be looking forward to more updates. I need to know everything! This orginization, Trxie. Darn you, you've trapped me.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story! The Surgeon in the Magic City
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Thanks for the review! I'll return the favor sometime today.
Hello! This review is brought to you by Authors helping Authors
Story: On a Pale Horse
Grammar: 9
Pro: The fight was well coordinated
The mood was set just right
Sentence structures were well made
Cons: Either the main six know how to keep a low profile or the monster have been living under a rock if she didn't know who the elements are.
Notes: Since this is the first chapter I can't say much about the plot. However, the opening catch my attention and the fast pace set for this chapter kept it. I'm also curious about what happen to Zecora so that little piece of bait have me coming back. Overall, this story have a lot of potential and I can't wait to see the next chapter.
Hope you enjoy the review and find it helpful. Please help me by reviewing my story, A Choice.
2115042
Thanks for the review!
I'm unfortunately very busy over the next few days so I won't be able to immediately return the favor.
However, I will definitely get your review to you by Friday or Saturday, promise!
I hadn't even thought about the whole "monster not knowing the Elements" thing in writing the chapter--and my pre-reader didn't catch that either--but it's a problem that's been brought to my attention twice now.
That's what I like about these reviews: they alert me to issues that I didn't even know existed. So thank you so much!
This review brought to you by the group: Authors Helping Authors.
Fic: On a Pale Horse
Grammar: 9
Pros: Imagery is incredibly vivid. There is no denying that the creature is an absolute abomination.
The fight scenes are well coordinated between characters. No one of them seems to take spotlight; very balanced.
Your grammar is darn near perfect, especially with a enjoyably wide vocabulary and good choice of sentence length throughout.
Cons: The pacing is not well balanced.
General description of scenery needs some work.
Rapid introduction of characters feels too brief to be realistic.
Notes: So, I went into some detail with the pros, but here I'll elaborate on the cons, or at least the one I think is most important. The pacing in the fight scenes was excellent. I get the feeling that you've written them before and feel very comfortable doing them. However, your scenes in the beginning and the way you introduce different characters is way too fast. Just beefing up a character's thoughts or describing even simple actions (Twilight walking to the door, her internal reaction to Trixie's appearance, etc.), would balance the pacing issue and make the story much more engaging. You've definitely intrigued me with this, so you've earned a like and fav. Do not disappoint!
Derp, almost forgot. Take a look and review my fic Marks of Harmony. It's a really long read, so I don't expect you to read it all at once. That would be too much even for me!
Cheers!
Inky Jay
2119915
Wow, I got a review from one of the club mods? *.*
Thanks a lot for your critique! I've heard that my narration can feel wooden and rushed sometimes, so that's definitely something I'll need to work on later. Hopefully I'll be able to improve my writing even more.
I'll leave a review on your fic as soon as I get through it, good sir! But it might take just a little while
OK, time to return the favor. A review brought to you by the Authors Helping Authors group.
Name: On a Pale Horse
Grammar score: 9 - Almost perfect. There were a couple of minor errors but overall it was top notch.
Pros:
- Great description of the fight sequence, especially using the chessboard analogy.
- Throws us almost directly into the fray.
- The chapter ending leaves me wanting more!
Cons:
- Questionable character decisions. (I'll explain in the notes section)
- A couple of instances of repeating words used too close to each other.
- (I know I'm copying other reviewers here) Could use some better description of surroundings etc.
Notes:
OK, the 'questionable character decisions' point. Spider-Mare (as I'll call her) was after Trixie, who had made it clear that 'they' were following her. Once Spider-Mare started chasing after Twilight, my first thought was, "Oh, I know what's going on. She was with others who are going to get Trixie while Twilight is distracted. If she was alone, wouldn't she just scare Twilight off and head back to the library?" Unless I'm mistaken, that doesn't seem to be the case.
Next, Twilight's decision to let Spider-Mare go freely. Twilight is fully aware that 'they' were following Trixie, not 'she'. Spider-Mare has badly injured a stallion (here's hoping he pops up in chapter 2 and is shown to be OK!) and almost killed the CMC. Instead of interrogating her, they shout about how great they are, then Twilight sets her free, making some comment about their problems not being over. Now... I don't quite get this.
Their problems are indeed not over, probably because Twilight has allowed her only lead to whatever is hounding Trixie to go free. Surely she could have at least pulled off Spider-Mare's conspicuous, magical, glowing earring that seems to be the only reason she has these powers, given that she's a pegasus? Now Spider-Mare knows exactly who she's up against and has been allowed to get back-up for an ambush. Twilight knows that it's not just one mare that she's up against, because of the emphasis on 'they are after me', so why allow this to happen? And since this mare has already shown just how unbelievably dangerous she is, why would Twilight let her go when she's just subdued her? Twilight could have at least asked some questions about her motives, but instead, she stupidly sets loose a dangerous beast that not only knows their identities, (because they flat-out told her) but has ample opportunity to get help from her spider friends.
Now, I know what you're thinking, but trust me, I DO like this fic so far, and I expect to see some great things in the future. However, I have to be harsh if I find something that I don't like, as it the case with reviews. Honestly, if you somehow made it so that Spider-Mare escaped beyond Twilight's control, that would probably sort some of the problems.
I hope I have helped in some way, and I look forward to more updates.
2127302
Thanks a whole lot for the review! Don't worry, I understand--when I critique, I tend to focus almost exclusively on the negative and ignore the positive.
All your complaints about Twilight's actions are indeed valid; while there is an in-universe reason why taking the earring away wouldn't prove effective, that doesn't change that Twilight could have at least tried.
I'll definitely try to think of, perhaps, more clever actions for her to take in the future.
Thanks for reviewing!
PALE HORSE THOUGHTS
Before Spike could make his first move, a series of frenzied knocks sounded on Twilight’s door.
When she opened it, Trixie Lulamoon stood before her: disheveled, haunted, and beaten.
“Twilight…please, help. They’re coming for me.”
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/353/279/e31.jpg
“Right,” said Twilight, pacing near her occupied bed. “Next up, we’ll need to tend to Trixie’s hurts. All unicorns are capable of basic healing magic, but this is beyond my knowledge of the subject. Spike, I need you to run to the hospital. Get Nurse Redheart or any other pony you can find and send them our way.”
But whatever you do, DON'T. GET. FLUTTERMEDIC. SHE IS CRAZY.
I’m just wondering…do we really need to help her?”
Because I know not helping a mare who looks like she's been through hell and is now passed out is the morally correct thing to do!
A pegasus mare paced back and forth on the far side of the magic shield. She was slightly younger than Twilight herself, straddling the line that divided young and true adulthood. Her body was thin and wiry, like a metal coil, and suggested speed and tightly wound power. Her coat was a dark, midnight blue, her mane a silvery grey, and her cutie mark depicted a briar patch, sickly green, growing out of control. Her only accessory was a strange earring in her right ear, a slender shard of black onyx dangling from a silver chain.
Hello, Miss Lulamoon, whoever you are. You best be, there's only so many families with that color scheme.
“And you don’t want to be the pony who hides Lulamoon from us."
Or not. Unless speaking in the third-person is a familial trait.
Long slivers of bone erupted from her body, two from each side. They stretched out like branches, growing until they touched the ground. Flesh sprouted from them, quickly transforming the bones into spindly legs.
Holy shit! She's a Time Lord! Or Ben 10! Or a GODDAMN CHANGELING
Other parts also changed. The pegasus’ wings grew, and bones poked out of the tips of her feathers; they resembled curved needles. A glistening liquid with a sickly-sweet smell dropped from each pointed tip of bone. Her muzzle stretched, and curved fangs filled her mouth, dripping with the same unknown liquid as her wings. A third eye split the skin on her forehead, glowing green—the same green emanating from her earring and other two eyes.
What's this? Mystery Mare is evolving!
Congratulations! Your Mystery Mare evolved into Your Nightmares for The Week!
Twilight teleported once more, this time to the ground, and took off in a dead sprint
We regret to inform you that Twilight Sparkle has become a zombie. It was this or alicorn. We made the right choice...
The blast met the side of the monster’s body, scalding away a large blotch of fur and skin, and burning the flesh beneath into a sickening, shining scarlet.
SPARKLE WINS. FATALITY.
The scabs dropped in favor of ugly scars, grey and purple, which soon gave way to smooth, unblemished skin. Within seconds, dark blue fur blanketed the bare patch, blending perfectly with the rest of the monster’s coat.
Regeneration. Learned from Time Lords. LOOK IT UP.
“Um, hi there,” said Spike. He took a big breath and exhaled dragon’s flame into the creature’s face.
ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4829841957060875&pid=1.7
Applejack raced into view, spitting the end of the rope from her mouth.
Looks like it broke its legs.
It's been smashed through buildings, tripped by ice, and scorched through dragon fire.
ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4508647120373478&pid=1.7
A stallion writhed on the ground behind them, screaming as spots of festering flesh ate up his body; the creature flapped above him, scattering poison as it went.
It's fine. You had no name. You weren't important.
It gave a shriek, forced earthward to continue its hunt.
You know who this guy reminds me of?
1.bp.blogspot.com/-VaH0Z4bU_AM/TbJMFsay18I/AAAAAAAAABY/Ku3gRRbj0AU/s1600/killing_floor_scrake.jpg
1.bp.blogspot.com/-e19YIw8KR7k/TbJOcOT9qKI/AAAAAAAAABc/VZ-dmKuZ670/s1600/kf_menu_fleshpound2.jpg
“We can’t. If it gives up on me, it’ll probably just head back into Ponyville.”
“Why the hay would it do that?” Even whispering, Applejack’s frustration was palpable.
“It wasn’t going after me originally. It was after Trixie.”
“Trixie?”
“She’s at our place,” supplied Spike. “She showed up outta nowhere, beaten up and begging for help.”
“Tarnation…”
SUBTLE EXPOSITION IS SUBTLE.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders trailblazers!”
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/230/518/38e.jpg
The orange filly clung to her rescuer, and Rainbow Dash smiled back.
Spike burst from the foliage, the dragon’s sudden appearance startling the creature.
SURPRISE, BITCH
The creature looked down at Twilight and the others, hatred beaming from its three eyes. “How dare you,” it said—or should it be she said? Now that she was speaking instead of shrieking in fury—not to mention that she was no longer trying to murder them—Twilight found it easier to think of the creature before her as a ‘her,’ not an ‘it.’
“Nopony—nopony—” hissed the enemy. She panted, holding her sides weakly. “What—what are you?”
“What are we?” answered Rainbow. “Gee, I dunno. An ace flyer, Iron Pony, soon-to-be Wonderbolt (if you ask my opinion)—”
“Dedicated sister,” Applejack interjected. “Hard worker, strongest earth pony mare around—”
“Plus the personal apprentice of Celestia!” Spike said, hoisting a claw in Twilight’s direction. “A master of magic and one of the smartest ponies you’ll ever meet—”
“Only pegasus ever to pull off a Sonic Rainboom—”
“Champion wrangler—”
“And a freaking dragon!” Spike said, puffing up importantly.
Did I need a comment? That was just epic.
So much work getting that just write. not bad for a firstie. Now then,
Like, fav and save.
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Did...did you write that comment in real-time, as you read?
You fucking ROCK.
2139373
Eeyup.
Thank you. First time doing it.
2139420
Well I thought it was damn impressive.
The chess scene this piece opens up with was really cool and well done. It moved a bit too fast, but all in all, this was an enjoyable read and definitely worth upvoting.
I had my hopes up for this one. The cover art is awesome, it contains two of my top three favorite characters, and given the lack of information your summary provides, the premise is incredibly scary, mysterious, and intriguing. Opening the narrative with a description of a chess match made it even more interesting.
It wasn't my high expectations that lent me a bitter experience while reading this, but the fact that Spike is represented as a moronic, eight-year-old douchebag who can't play chess and cares naught for an injured, pleading pony just because she bullied him. Spike: the character I relate to the most and is often more mature than Twilight. Based on the unpleasant way in which he's been written so far, I'm gonna guess that the romance tag isn't for TrixiexSpike (though I knew that was a long shot, the disappointingly scarce ship that it is). This will probably end up being a Twixie romance; as if that isn't all over the fking place...
That poorly-conceived passage was the nail in the coffin, leaving me with a fairly cold feeling to finish the chapter with. And since I was still emotionally invested at the time, it even managed to piss me off a tad before I pulled myself out of the story. All the fighting he did afterword made things bearable (that, plus the “And a freaking dragon!” line), but I'm still pretty let down. Comparing the first and second halves, I'm unsure over whether to upvote or downvote this fic.
Either way, with such an air of Spike hate, I can't thoroughly enjoy it. I'll follow updates for the quality of writing and the exciting, mysterious premise, but I don't think there's any way in Hades I'll be able to genuinely like this story. Not unless Spike and Twilight's talk over Trixie is completely buried under a series of chapters that treat Spike the way 3Power does...that and some serious depth and logic to Spike's idea of throwing a scared, injured mare out on her ass.
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Thank you for one of the first primarily negative comments I've received--and I mean that legitimately. Comments that praise me make me feel good, but comments like this help me grow as a writer.
Regarding Spike's characterization: he's going to be a recurring player in this story, and I hope that later chapters will convince you that I don't hate Spike--far from it. I hope that the ready assistance he gave Twilight and the others in the fight evidences that.
And...I haven't tagged this with romance, so I'm not sure where Twixie comes in.
Regardless, thank you for your comment and the favorite. I hope that later chapters win you over.
2197684 Really? Hm. Forgive me for saying so, but I'm surprised anyone who likes Spike would write him in such a way that gives Twilight a reason to speak to him with such stern coldness, or that he would make such an uncaring suggestion in the first place. Well, no two minds think alike.
As for the romance tag...I must've been thinking of another fanfic. My bad.
Whatever you have planned, I'm looking forward to as much interaction as possible between Spike and Trixie, even if there's no chance of shipping.
I have decided to review, comment, and upvote your story "On a Pale Horse," and here are my thoughts:
Pros: I thought that your opening lines with Spike and Twilight were really engaging, and helped set up the mood of conflict that runs throughout the piece, or at least what you have written so far. I also thought you did a pretty good job of keeping the characters true to their characterization in the show, even some of the more iffy parts, like how Twilight just lets Trixie in no questions asked, were still acting well within their established characters. Your narration is also strong, for what it needs to accomplish, which in this case is to keep the action moving forward and not interrupting the flow of the story. There were a lot of really strong things about this piece.
Cons: Every thing moves way to fast in this piece, and we don't get much breathing room. If you slow down the action, like maybe Trixie could spend a little bit more time with Twilight and Spike before we dive into the action (something of the sort), rather than jumping from action scene to action scene. Also the villain is a bit of a tough sell, but again, I think this could be fixed by slowing things down and giving the reader a little bit of a hint (foreshadowing, or anyway else you can think of) of what's coming. There are a few instances of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, but it's nothing a quick read through won't fix.
Grammar: commenting less about your actual grammar and more about your other technical skills, there was some dialogue attribution that was done incorrectly (["blablabla," said Twilight.] or ["blablabla." Twilight did this and that.] or ["blablabla."] are the only ways you can attribute dialogue unless you have a really good reason) but that was all that really caught my eye and it's a quick fix.
Anyway, thank you for the read, and all things considered, I really enjoyed your piece.
Whoa...
I mean... whoa!
Only three FIMfics have ever given me this feeling after the first chapter. This is the third. Not only is this going in my 200-long to-read list, but it's going to the top.
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Wow, that's...that's a really, really amazing compliment! Thank you so much!
2214800
I'm really curious now--might I ask what the other two are?
2216128
The End by shalrath and Fallout: Equestria by Kkat.
Keep in-mind that while both of these stories gave the initial zomgholysh-
punch that this story gives, neither of them actually maintained that level of psychological intensity throughout. FoE came close, but I still found myself wishing a few chapters would just end. On a Pale Horse has started with that same, insanely high level of psychological intensity. I look forward to your next chapters!
I caution you, however, that "psychological intensity" is not synonymous with "action" or "drama." It's a measure of how much suspense lies beneath the surface events. Maintain this edge-of-your-seat atmosphere, and you've got yourself a true winner.
2220235
Thanks for the recommendations--and I'll keep that in mind!
My...god...
May the gods of writing make this at least 20 chapters
2224799
I plan on letting it be a bit long.
2225538 Good.
Because ME GUSTA
On a Pale Horse is like my second favorite song from the Halo Soundtrack. That reason and Trixie are the only reasons I have this in my Read Later list. I promise I'll read it eventually.
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What ever the reason, I look forward to you giving it a look-through.
Hmm, a lot of exposition in this chapter. Personally, I would have found some way to spread some of this information out and leave some of it as a mystery. As it is, we now know all that's going on and what the characters are up against. About the only thing we don't know are the villains' intentions.
On that same note, I think moving Trixie's major revelation to a later chapter may have had more impact. Or, perhaps you were trying to dodge an obvious twist?
Anyway, the writing remains good and despite my criticism, I'm still enjoying the read. Looking forward to more!
2513330
Thought I'd add a little more since I like to even out my complaints with compliments and I didn't leave much of the latter with my last comment.
I like the idea that Trixie, for all of her good intentions, still can make mistakes. However, she's working towards bettering herself even at the cost of power. She has some deep scars to heal and I'm looking forward to seeing how she continues to cope with her past deeds.
That's it for now! Ever onwards!