• Member Since 23rd Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Balancer


Sometimes I like to write horsewords.

T

Vinyl and Octavia have been together for a year and are enjoying their life in peace. But on the night of their first anniversary, a figure from Octavia's past resurfaces, disturbing their idilic lifestyle. Octavia will discover that her marefriend has been keeping dark secrets from her. As ghosts from Vinyl's past return, Octavia will learn things about her soulmate that will put her love to the test. And she will have to ask the ultimate question....can you be soulmates with a creature that supposedly has no soul?

I need a new synopses

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 251 )

Hi there, well this is it, my first story on FiMfiction, I will decide to continue or not depending on the comments, so post your opinion I would love to hear from you

I like it so far. It's nice and long and pretty well written.
Though when someone is yelling you can just put an ! and clarify that they are yelling.

-----------
“VINYL HUURY UP, WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR OUR RESERVATION.” Octavia yelled from the doorway of their town house.

“Vinyl hurry up, we're going to be late for out reservation!” Octavia yelled from the doorway of their town house.

See? Looks neater lol.

so far I'll give it a 4.5 for quality writing.
Big Mac seal of approval:eeyup:

A really interesting story, and I'll be waiting for the next chapter, but you seem to have some punctuation issues. It's not bad enough to damage the story, but it does rip me from the immersion somewhat.

Stupid criticul, taking my suggestions... Anyway, nice story, few mistakes. I approve! 4.5/5

Are you reading "Two's Company, Three's Crowd"? I swear that you are.

*tracks* this looks interesting

Damm good fic :pinkiehappy: keep it coming. You reely aplied your ideas well in this chapter:twilightsmile:

Alright, you say nobody is going to see it coming? I'm wagering that Vinyl is a vampire.

Other than a couple punctuation errors and some run-on sentences, this is pretty interesting. I'll be tracking this :raritywink:

106414:twilightsheepish: I might be
106366 I wanted an excuse to use the caps lock
106507:pinkiegasp: how could you think of something so horrible, I would never do that to my fav background pony, cause that would make this fix a twilight rip off and you don't want to go there

106549 Thank you sir that's all I needed to hear (starts writing Chapter two)

Interesting, but A few annoying mistakes you might wanna iron out. Other than that it's fine

106709Yhea i've noticed a few myself, will get right on that

Well it's obvious

Why Vinyle is acting strangely Dont be Surprised

Vinyle just needed somewhere to hide to keep her alive

Her heart is obviously pony

And her blood is boiling

But I think her brain is IBM

Well it's obvious

Why Vinyle is acting strangely Dont be Surprised

Vinyle just needed somewhere to hide to keep her alive

Her heart is obviously pony

And her blood is boiling

But I think her brain is IBM

106756

Domo origoto for the story

I hope it Styx around

106759Thanks:twilightsmile:
But you lost me with your comment:rainbowhuh:

A few minor mistakes, but a very good read none the less ! Can't wait for the next chapter !
Rating: 4/5 RD's :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

other than some relatively minor grammar and spelling issues, this is very, very good. Think about getting an editor to help smooth the issues out, and it'll be even better.

3.5 stars and mustache spike is your reward for this fine piece of craftsmanship :moustache:

109068Thanks :twilightsmile: Would you happen to know any good editors by chance:twilightblush:

The plot thickens! :pinkiegasp:

While I'm enjoying the story, you should really send this to an editor BEFORE submitting the chapter. Run on sentences and basic typos (Twilight's name isn't capitalized, you've got "their" instead of "there", you put "quite" instead of "quiet" you forgot the e in Ponyville, words with no space in between, and these are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. When I spot these while reading constantly, it starts to ruin the experience.

That being said, the story itself is really interesting, and I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

Sorry, this story now sucks. Vampires are no longer cool, now that they have been raped by Stephanie Meyer. I thought Vinyl was going to have some sort of traumatic past to escape from. Instead we get more vampire bullshit.

109218Where to begin.....
1-Vinyl does have a trumatized past, she has a lot of history to cover and unlike Edward, she isn't a pussy
2-Unlike Bella, Octavia flipped out and tried to run away
3-Again unlike Edward, Vinyl will go through a very dark phase in her past and it will be awesome cause she will kill many ponies:rainbowkiss:...and not feel all bad and sappy about it immediately afterwards
4-While yes this is vampire stuff, it will be awesome vampire stuff, not sparkly, lovey dovey, Volvo driving fruit cake bullshit

I'm just trying to bring the awesome back to one of mythologies most awesome predators, just because one person completely raped it doesn't mean we can't ignore it and move on......just like cupcakes

That's... really sad actually. Certainly a unique approach to the mare we call Vinyl Scratch. I shall look out for more :raritywink:

109218Also thanks, you killed the good feeling about the story I had:fluttercry:...I hope your happy

107066

That's what I get for making esoteric refrences

It's the lyrics to mr roboto by the band Styx

In short I was making light of the idea of vinyle being some kind of artificial being

109283 Thank you, at least one person gets what I'm aiming for:twilightsmile:
And yes it is sad, and I can assure you by the time I'm done recounting her history, you will either hate Vinyl (she's gona do some bad stuff) or want to give her a hug (she will cry....a lot)

109349Oh:rainbowderp:...I would have never gotten that:twilightsheepish:
Soooo....what do you think of the new chapter?

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

109362.........You like the story, that's all the currency I need...and your soul would be nice:twilightsheepish:

109350 Or I can be like pinkie and do both at the same time. Multiple personalities are fun :pinkiecrazy:

109356

Hmmm how to put this ..........

I'm not a huge fan of the whole .... What's a good term......"Blade" style vampires ( well vampires in general) also I'm guessing vinyle is one of those can go out in the sun without bursting into flames types.

Admitidly though it's a brilliant conclusion givin the popular image of vinyl ( the blood eyes especially). I just can never get behind something that prays on the innocent. Also I hope she's finds some better enemies soon ( van hellsing/blade pony ,lol maybe even an bellmount pony) these so called hunters were pitiful . Other wise it was good setup for a story but vampires have never held my interest much the exception being "war hammer" vampires for having a literal grab bag of powers/weakness depending on the blood line. Though I will encourage you to keep writing this as it is good ......so far.

In short not my cup of tea but you have my attention and will continue to read

109401Yes I plan to introduce Van Hoofsling (see what I did there) and he will have a very....interesting....connection to Vinyl to say the least, also the 'hunters' she encountered were the rank and file of the organization. The only other thing it can say about Vinyl is that she wasn't fully armed as well:unsuresweetie:

109086

After reading both of these, I nearly felt the need to bleach my eyes. Sorry, but it's true. The premise of the story was fine. The execution was, bluntly, too damn fast. Yes, I know that you wanted us to know that Vinyl was/is a vampire. But you kinda rushed everything in the story to get to the end of this chapter. I felt like I was watching a Saturday morning cartoon show that was debuting. Suddenly, we move from heading out to a nice dinner to having a bunch of dead ponies in the living room. All in less than 8 thousand words. That's, roughly, 15 minutes or so on television. Tops. A story with a premise like this should be dragged out a lot more. Say, the first chapter is just about the plan to go eat and setting up for it. Chapter 2 is arriving and the incident with Pebble, in much more detail. Chapter 3 is the concert, deal with vampire hunters, and feeding. So on and so forth. Detail is key in many stories.

Also.... Commas. You had way too many, and not enough of any other punctuation. This is where editors come in handy. Even if it's your older sibling, or your best friend, just ask "Can you read over this for me and help me fix errors?" Something as simple as that would fix a lot of the minor errors in this story. If, however, you lack some of those that you trust, I'm available to help edit. I may not be the most "well-known" pony on here, but I've had a lot of experience in reading and analyzing writing, so I can help fix a lot of your errors in a very short period of time. Contact me if you want my help. This also goes for anybody that's writing their own story and is looking for help.

Basically, get an editor and don't rush through the story. I know it's your first, and it's a somewhat common mistake.. But that's what we're here for: To give you feedback and help you improve.

he has a bloody brother to prof read who is also a bronie or did you forget balancer:facehoof: :derpytongue2:

110022Mat, your comments are riddled with errors, you probably wouldn't pick anything up:ajbemused:....honesty is harsh
http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQTqEasNn6oFpp8gFXQFXiQwykqfewPPXkP-NnFyyusgcVF0U89Rg

thats because I SPELL LIKE SHIT :derpytongue2: i can spot a bloody eror when i see it:ajbemused:

Balancer, if you needed someone to fix your errors, you could've let me know if you needed someone to do that. I wouldn't mind doing it. I thought I was just giving you feedback about the story. :twilightsheepish:

110869If you would like to the more the merrier :twilightsmile: that would be great. I didn't thank you would be interested that's all:twilightblush:

110917 Nah man, I'd be happy to. Just send me the next chapter when it's finished and I'll get to it! :pinkiesmile:

hmm... well didn't see that coming although i a LOVING this story so far.

110938Glad that you like it

110961

also, i must admit, it's nice to see a vampire story with a pair after all that horseapples with the ever *clears throat and in steven magnet's voice* fabulous edward.

At first it seemed like the usual shipfic (Not that I have a problem with that ^_~) but then. Just woah! A really entertaining read! Looking forward to more : )

112158Yhea I was thinking about it...for all of two seconds, (twilight:flutterrage:) i'm glad to be able to inspire woah in people. Means my job is a success :moustache:

So this fic is a crossover with the Twilight novel? Dayuuum, now that sucks... But I still like it! You gave Vinyl part of another vampire's personality, namely Alucard from Hellsing. :rainbowkiss:

I was sort of asked for a second opinion on the editing of this. After skimming a bit, mostly dialogue, I noticed your punctuation is very misplaced or bare. So, I won't comment on anything else since I have not thoroughly read it or analyzed any other parts.

It seems many are quite fond of the story, so I may read it eventually.

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