Chapter 1
Celestia’s sun was sinking into the horizon, bathing the sky red, ponies every where enjoyed the last warming rays of the sun as day slowly turned to night. Children played on swing sets, the elderly reminisced on sun sets gone by, and young lovers enjoyed the sight, creating new memories. On a hill just outside of Ponyvill, one such couple were enjoying the sunset of their first anniversary, not caring about the troubles of yesterday or the past, content to enjoy the moment of perfection they had created, hoping that the sun would freeze in the sky capturing this moment for ever….yet fate, as always, had other plans…
“Wow…you were right Vinyl, the sunset is beautiful from stargazer hill.” said the grey mare as she relaxed onto the blanket spread beneath her and her companion. “How did you find out about it?” she asked, turning her head to face the white unicorn mare beside her.
“Simple, just asked Twilight where any good places were to watch the sunset, this was the first place she suggested.” replied Vinyl, “Anyhoof because this is our special day I have one more surprise for you, two if you play your cards right.” she suggested with a wink.
“Really, what is it?”
“Dinner at Le saveurs de Prance…” she would have said more but was cut off by a sudden school girl squeal “whoa calm down Octy”
“Oh sorry Vinyl, it just that’s the single most prestigious restaurant in all of Canterlot, it’s rumoured that even the nobles have to make their reservations months in advance, how in Equestria did you get a table there?”
“The manager owed me a favour”
“You know Vinyl, one of these days you’re going to have to tell me why people in high places owe you favours”
“I don’t know what you’re on about Octavia”
“Really, how about the time you got the entire Equestrian concert hall booked for my quartet’s rehearsal, or the time you convinced the head of the Royal musical society to pick me for the Grand Galloping Gala”
“He he.” Vinyl chuckled “Maybe one day Octy, I’ll tell you, but I was thinking” she said as she embraced the gray mare next to her “the reservation is for tomorrow night, so I was wondering how you are going make it up to me”
“No worming out of it Vinyl, you have to tell me sometime.” Octavia glared as Vinyl embraced her.
“Fine. “ Vinyl sighed “How’s this, I tell you tomorrow night over dinner…that’s if you can convince me to let you tag along.”
“I suppose I can wait till tomorrow, and I might know of a way or two to, ‘convince’ you.” Octavia coyly suggested as she embraced the unicorn in return.
“Really, like?”
Octavia leaned over and whispered in her ear, Vinyl blushed and said with a grin “That’ll do it.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Octavia was relentlessly pacing outside their house, a carriage had pulled up not long ago, the pullers looked slightly bored but didn’t overly care about what was going on, they had been rented out for the night and didn’t mind not walking for a change.
“VINYL HURRY UP, WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR OUR RESERVATION.” Octavia yelled from the doorway of their town house.
“Darling what’s all this yelling for, normally I wouldn‘t pry but I just put Sweetie Belle and her friends to sleep, and I would hate for them to wake up, it was hard enough to get them to stay in the bed” a voice asked from behind her.
Octavia turned around to identify the speaker; it was none other the Rarity, the local dressmaker and fashion expert. “Oh, hello Rarity, sorry about the noise, I know how energetic those three can be.” She shuddered at the memory of their latest crusade “I’m just waiting on Vinyl to finish getting ready in the bathroom” the last part of the sentence striking her as odd “wow never thought I’d ever say that” she thought to herself.
Rarity looked at her quizzically “Why what ever for?”
“Well you see, somehow Vinyl managed to get a table at Le saveurs de Prance and…” she was suddenly cut off by a squeal not dissimilar to the one she had given Vinyl last night.
“But that’s the single most prestigious restaurant in all of Canterlot, if I may ask, how did a mare of Vinyl’s….standing, ever get a table there of all places?”
“Well the manager owed her a favour or something; I’m not sure on the details.”
“Well my dear I’m sure you will have a wonderful time, but I have to wonder, is that what you’re wearing?
“What’s wrong with my dress?” Octavia asked looking down at her dress; it was a white evening dress and had cost her a substantial amount of bits.
“Oh nothing my dear it’s looks divine on you, it’s just not what I would have chosen, possibly something a bit more sparkly…with some diamonds” she mused “I just wish you would have come to me first for your dress, ah well nothing to be done about it now, but I digress you must tell me every thing when you come back”
“Of course Rarity”
“Octy, I’m coming out” yelled Vinyl from inside the house
“About time” Octavia replied “what took you so long in th….” her words (and 99% of her mental functions) abruptly coming to a halt as Vinyl walked out the door, somewhere behind her she could hear the sound of Rarity’s and the carriage ponies’ jaws hitting the ground along with her own. Vinyl was wearing a black figure hugging evening dress that had a slit along the left flank, not enough to revel but enough to get the imagination going, but the dress wasn’t the sole reason for the jaw dropping. Vinyl’s hair wasn’t blue or spiky; it was light brown with a red tinge and was flowing down her neck.
“Vinyl…your…hair?”
“Oh this, I’ll explain on the way, we had better get going if we want to make the reservation, and you may want to close your mouth Octy, your gona catch flies like that” said Vinyl with a smirk in her voice, her appearance obviously having the desired effect.
Octavia blinked, “Oh umm sure, let’s get going then, Goodnight Rarity, and sorry about the noise earlier…are you okay?”
“Oh I’m all right, it’s just…I didn’t expect Vinyl to…clean up so well” Rarity, through sheer force of will forced her gaze away from Vinyl, turned to walk away “I wont keep you from your engagement any longer, goodnight dears”
Vinyl climbed into the carriage “Hurry up Tavi we’re going to be late” As she climbed the foot step, the carriage ponies let out a breath they hadn’t known what they were holding and each thanked lucky stars they weren’t Pegasi, Octavia smiled and climbed into the carriage “Let’s go then”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Luna’s moon crested the sky, the carriage carrying the couple was approaching the last stretch of road before Canterlot. “Vinyl, it’s time you told me what’s up with your hair, is this hair colour real, why did you never tell me your hair wasn‘t actually blue?”
“Octavia have I ever told you how much I love the night?” Vinyl replied softly as she looked out the window.
“Vinyl stop being silly and answer the question before I hurt you” Octavia playfully threatened
Vinyl turned to face Octavia “Well you see Octy, the blue is actually a magic dye, water proof, doesn’t fade or any thing so it’s great for my gigs, as for not telling you, my hair reminds me of my past, I‘d prefer to forget it but I decided that tonight was special, so you deserved to know”
“And the spikes?” Octavia asked
“Spikes are cool” Vinyl replied with a smirk
“Well Vinyl I can say that for once you actually look respectable, and the long hair suits you, makes look pretty”
“Wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard that” Vinyl whispered quietly so herself that Octavia barely heard her “Don’t get use to it, I do have an image to maintain after all.” Vinyl teased in a louder voice
Octavia pondered what she meant, but quickly dismissed her line of thought as the carriage pulled up along side of their destination. As Octavia got out of the carriage she was able to take in the full effect of the building, the entrance was lit up in a soft green glow by magic crystals arranged in an arch with rose bushes lining the path. But what took her breath away was the amount of famous people that were entering the building, she had already seen Lord Harmonious the stallion in charge of the Royal Equestrian Choir, Lilly Bouquet proprietor of Flower and Rose the single largest chain of flower distributors in Equestria, even Prince Blueblood himself.
“Why hello there, I don’t believe I’ve seen you here before, but I recognized you as Octavia from the royal Equestrian orchestra and being a fan of music, I just had to introduce myself.” a well refined Manehatten accent addressed her from her left, startling her.
Octavia let out a squeak and turned to face the pony who addressed her, only to find her facing the pony every pony must know, a stallion that had through charisma and hard work created from dirt poor beginnings a rather impressive fortune. “Sir Fancy Pants” Octavia gasped “I…ah…I…” She stumbled in her head trying to think of something, anything to say, but her brain had turned to mush in the presence of Equestria’s trend setting legend.
Fancy Pants chuckled warmly “Please call me Fancy, I’m a fan of your works I must say they help me relax after a long day, and I have all your albums. In fact I would be honoured if you would be willing to give me and my darling wife Fleur” Fancy gestures to the tall, slender, unicorn mare next to him “a private concert some time, we would be more than happy to reimburse you for your time of course.”
Octavia was stunned, the Fancy Pants was a fan of her music, AND was requesting a private concert…WITH pay, her mind slowed to crawl trying to process the information.
“She would love to” Vinyl said as she walked up to a still frozen Octavia “wouldn’t you Octy” Octavia was still frozen, so Vinyl grabbed her head and nodded for her “She agrees”.
Fancy Pants laughed softly whilst his wife hid a small grin with her hoof at the antics taking place in front off them.
“I don’t believe we have meet before, you are?” inquired Fancy Pants, a chuckle in his voice.
“Why I’m Octy’s other, sexier, half” Vinyl replied, shortly receiving a hoof to the back of her head, “watch it Octy, your gona give me a concussion one of these days.”
“Vinyl if I didn’t need you to get inside I would give you far worse than a concussion” Octavia’s tone was getting angrier with each word.
“So is that all I am to you, a ticket to a fancy restaurant” Vinyl turned to Fancy, a mischievous grin on her face “she how she treats me, this is what I go through every day.”
“Vinyl not here of all places, control your self” giving Vinyl a glare that would give Fluttershy a run for her money, her anger at Vinyl snapping her out of her star struck daze, she turns to Fancy Pants “Thank you I would love to give you and your wife a private concert”.
Fancy Pants was having a small laughing fit, and Fleur was having trouble concealing a rather large grin. “Are you two okay?” asked Octavia, mortified that she may of inadvertently humiliated her self in front of the elite of the elite …Vinyl if this is your fault somehow, and I know it is, I am going to end you… she thought, thinking of the various ways to bring about her revenge, chief in her mind was finding the nearest sharp object and proceed to ventilate Vinyl‘s chest cavity.
Fancy Pants quickly regained his composure but it was Fleur who answered first “Don’t worry we’re quite alright, it’s just that you two are such a cute couple” her grin was still her face, but it was mostly under control “I am very pleased that you are agreeing to give us a concert, I would love to stay and chat more but we must make our reservations”
“Ahh, yes quite right my dear” Fancy turned to address Octavia “I am sorry but we must cut this conversation short, please stop by my humble abode in Canterlot some time tomorrow to arrange times, I’ll tell the butler to be expecting you”
“Thank you Fancy, I will be there around half past twelve” Octavia replied still slightly giddy at the prospect of performing for the elite of Canterlot’s elite “Come Vinyl we should go get seated as well”
As the two couples approached the entrance a Unicorn stallion dressed in a suit standing behind a wooden podium addressed them “May I help you?” he asked in cultured tones.
“Yes my wife and I have reservations for two under the name Fancy” Fancy Pants replied.
The doorpony quickly glanced through the list with practised ease “Ahh yes, please come inside your table is waiting for you”
Fancy turned to the couple behind him “Be seeing you inside Octavia my dear and….I don’t believe I ever got your name Miss?” he said.
Vinyl blushed slightly “Oh how rude of me, I’m Vincenza, but my friends call me Vinyl Scratch, I also go by the stage name DJ-pon3 but there is plenty of time to discuss my vocation at a later date” she replied in not her normal voice but in well refined tones, causing Octavia’s brain to stall for a third time that night.
Fancy Pants simply smiled and raised an eyebrow “hmm interesting” he thought to himself and wished the couple goodnight before entering the restaurant followed by Fleur. The doorpony, during the brief conversation, had quickly flicked through the list “Yes we have your table ready inside mam, enjoy your evening.” Vinyl turned to look at Octy and with a mischievous look in her eye “Come on Tavi you don’t want to miss our reservation do you.” Vinyl turned and entered the restaurant, Octavia followed behind operating on auto-pilot, a shell shocked expression on her face.
The couple sat down in their private booth over looking the main stage, as they sat down Octavia nearly exploded as her brain finished processing the information “What the hay was that, Vinyl” Octavia was sitting to the left of her mare friend and gave her a point blank death glare “I have been trying to get you to talk properly for ages, with no luck, mostly because of you, then you go and talk like you were raised in a noble house all your life back there…start talking, starting with the name, who is Vincenza?”
Vinyl gave her an I’m-innocent-please-don’t-kill-me look “Fine, fine, just tone down the interrogation, by Celestia have I ever told you how glad I am you don’t have laser eyes.” She got another death glare from Octavia “Okay, okay, you see the thing with the name and fancy talk actually stems from my music career funnily enough” Octavia gave her a sceptical look “let me explain, you see I used to be a regular DJ, I had contracts and gigs just like every other DJ, but I didn’t want to just do night clubs and the occasional party, I wanted to have my own albums, I wanted to do huge concerts like Big Day Out, but every time I approached a recording studio they always gave me shity contracts that had me bucked six ways to Sunday and every time I tried to haggle with them they refused to sign, mostly because the ‘haggling’ would deteriorate into a shouting match”
“Now that I can believe” Octavia said smiling at Vinyl.
“Yip, turns out they thought I was stupid because of they way I talked and looked, so I decided that if the were going to treat Vinyl scratch like an idiot, I would do something different the next signing.” Vinyl chuckled to herself “ You should have seen the producers face when I walked through the door, ha priceless, after I had negotiated a settlement favourable to both parties I left, contract signed and me on the way to being the next biggest to hit Equestria, since then I always use the fancy accent to talk to the suites.”
“So when did you learn to speak like that, and where did you get that name?” Octavia asked, intrigued at learning about her marefriend’s history, yet annoyed that her question hadn’t been answered.
Vinyl took a little time before she answered; she looked down at the table “Along time ago and in a far away place.” Vinyl replied in a quite voice, a faraway look on her face, as if she was remembering something from her past.
Octavia took notice of this and remembered what Vinyl had said in the carriage reminds me of my past, I‘d prefer to forget it “Vinyl its okay, if you don’t want to talk about it you don’t have to.” her face sifting to a caring expression, though she made a mental to press Vinyl about it some time later in the week when they got back to the house
The sound of Octavia’s voice snapped Vinyl out of her reflection, “Thanks Octy” at that moment Octavia’s stomach rumbled, Vinyl smiled and raised an eye brow “Maybe we should order some food, what do you think?”
“I think some food would be delightful.” Octavia’s stomached rumbled again “Maybe we should order soon before I start eating the table cloth?”
Vinyl smiled “What’s this, did our Octavia make a joke, a real attempt at humour.”
“Yes Vinyl I do possess some capacity for comedy.” Octavia rolled her eyes as she said this “Now shut up and order so we can eat.”
Vinyl signalled a waiter over “My partner and I are ready to order, we will have the seafood plater with the Albarino, and the salad with the Riesling, thank you.” the waiter took down their order on a small note pad he was levitating in front of himself.
“Will you require anything else for your dinning pleasure?”
“Yes after we have finished the main course please send your dessert waiter to our table” Vinyl nodded slightly with her head dismissing the waiter, the waiter bowed slightly and briskly walked to the kitchen. Vinyl and Octavia continued to make light conversation, talking about each others music, about the prices at sugar cube corner and about the recent shenanigans of six certain mares. Their plater arrived, it was a collection of different seaweeds and sea urchins arranged in decorative pattern, Octavia was hesitant about trying the odd looking flora, but tried a small mouthful at Vinyl’s insistence, it tasted amazing, a bit salty but in a nice way, the rest of the platter was quickly devoured after that. The salad arrived and quickly went the way of the platter.
“So have you enjoyed your evening so far Tavi?” Vinyl asked from across the table, Octavia had a content look on her face.
“That food was amazing, I can see why this place has such high reviews, thank you Vinyl, this evening has been perfect nothing could ruin it for me.”
Vinyl looked over top of Octavia’s shoulder “Here comes our waiter, hope you left room for dessert Octy.”
Octavia turned around to look at the waiter, they meet eyes and both froze in place, “No it can’t be him” she thought to herself but it was, same light green coat, same grey mane cut shorter than last time she had seen him, same skinny build, same hazel brown eyes, “Pebble Shifter” she squeaked in a tight voice.
Pebble was frozen in place, “No it can’t be her, why her, why now when my life is just starting to come back together” here in front of him was the mare that had ruined his life, made him lose everything, dark memories surfaced on seeing her, “Octavia, good to see you again, how have the last six years been to you, good by the looks of things, looks like you got your dreams...living it up all fancy, and what’s this with a mare no less, I‘ve been great, who knew that a prison cell could be so comfortable... and by the way Bubbles was very gentle. You know I had a lot of time to do some thinking in that place and you know what I thought about, I thought about everything, and I decided that the next time I saw you I would tell you exactly what I thought of you... so here it is.You are the worst pony ever to exist ever... and I hope you drop DEAD” Pebble’s voice had gotten more and more hostile as the rant went on ending in a shout, the entire restaurant came to a hushed stillness all eyes turned to their booth.
Vinyl was opening her mouth to give this stallion a piece of her mind, when Octavia beat her to the punch, “I’m sorry Pebble, but you brought it upon yourself…” she never got the chance to finish.
“SHUT UP, YOU MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL FOR FIVE YEARS, FIVE YEARS OF LIVING IN FEAR AND ABUSE, YOU ABANDONDED ME AND HAD ME THROWN INTO A PRISION, IT’S YOUR FAULT…ALL…YOUR…FAULT” Pebbles face was a mask of rage.
“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS.” a small grey unicorn stallion with a neatly combed moustache had come out of the kitchens, his voice boomed across the dinning room “PEBBLE SHIFTER I WANT YOU OUT OF THAT UNIFORM AND OUT OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT NOW.”
Pebble turned to face the stallion “M-m-m-mister Vignoble, I-I-I-I….” he stammered.
“Get out of my Restaurant now and don’t ever come back.” Pebble turned and fled out the front door, Vignoble turned to face the guests, “I would like to extend my sincerest apologies to all of my esteemed guests, for having to witness that unfortunate display, the stallion no longer is in my employ.” the other guests turned back to their meals and company, and Vignoble turned to the two mares in the booth “Madams please accept my most humble apologies,” he looked at Octavia, then Vinyl, he recognized Vinyl instantly “Miss Vinyl, oh I am so sorry about, I have no idea what would make Pebble do such a thing, please allow me to wave the costs for the meal.”
Vinyl smiled “Thanks Viggy, how’s Precieux”
“She is well but goes by the stage name, Beauty Bass, as much as it pains me to say, it she very good, I can’t thank you enough for helping us out with her music, she has really put those tuition lessons to good work”
Octavia was by this point a little confused and very tired, the incident with Pebble had drained the good mood she had earlier, leaving her feeling washed out, “Excuse me for interrupting but how do you know Vinyl?” she asked.
“So this must be the mare you told me about Vinyl, I agree she is very cute though I do not think I wish to see her mad, not matter how much cuter she gets” Vignoble turned his gaze to Octavia “it’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person Octavia, well I know Vinyl because she has been the personal DJ tutor to my darling daughter Precieux, she has been amazing in helping my daughter with her craft, even going so far as to help her find her regular employment. She has been very good at bridging the gap between me and my daughter, why if not for her I would not have a tenth of the relationship I now share with my daughter.”
“Vinyl you never told me that you were giving tuition lessons” Octavia looked at Vinyl a raised eyebrow all the expression she needed.
Vinyl looked at Octavia, tilted her head to the side a puzzled look on her face “You never asked,” Vinyl turned to face Vignoble as Octavia facehoofed “Thank you for the meal but I think it is about time we should be leaving.” Vinyl got up, curtsied as Vignoble bowed in return, and with a little flick of her hair proceeded to leave the building.
Octavia quickly scrambled after her, as they approached their carriage Vinyl tilted her head in Octavia’s direction “So, who was he.” she asked in a quite voice that scared Octavia and sent shivers down her spine.
“It’s a long story Vinyl.” Octavia climbed into the carriage sitting down opposite Vinyl.
Vinyl looked out the window, “I have time.” she replied.
Octavia sighed “He was my coltfriend, we were inseparable, we thought we would get married and grow old together.”
Vinyl looked at her, “What changed?
Octavia looked at the floor in shame “I did, as my music career took off, I began to spend more and more time in Canterlot and less time back in Hoofington with him, you know the saying ‘you are who you surround yourself with‘,” Vinyl nodded “I began to act like the stuck up ponies I played for, eventually I broke up with him.”
Vinyl looked away “I understand Octavia, I truly do…so what happened next?”
Octavia took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds then calmly expelled it “Well, after I broke up with him he went of the rails, started staking me, when he broke into my old apartment in Canterlot I alerted the local guards and had a restraining notice filed against him. Every thing was fine for a time after that, I truly thought that he had given up, but I came home one night to find him standing in my lounge, a knife on the table, he said he loved me and if we couldn’t be together in life, we would be together in death, I managed to scream and make enough noise that the night janitor came running, he knocked out Pebble saving my life. After the courts found him guilty of attempted murder he was sent to prison for eight years, five on good behaviour, on the grounds that he would be given psychiatric help upon his release.” Octavia looked at Vinyl, mentally begging her to look at her.
Vinyl looked at Octavia, her ruby red eyes meeting Octavia’s purple one’s “I understand Octy, you did what you had to do, it’s not your fault he went off the rails, someponies just can’t let go.” Octavia smiled and they leaned across embrace each other content to hold each other, eventually they broke the hug, Octavia swapped sides sitting on the same side as Vinyl, and she snuggled into Vinyls arms, whilst Vinyl looked out the window and thought “Per favore per favore, fatemelo tenerla per un po piu a lungo, per favore Octy non odiarmi per quello che sono.”
A/N
Thanks for reading, for those of you who don’t know, the last bit is in Italian (Istallion) the translation (this was translated to Italian so those of you who read Italian, it probably reads weird) is please please let me keep her a while longer, please Octy don’t hate me for what I am, this will make sense later on and trust me, none of you are going to see it coming….
Also Vignoble is apparently french for vineyard
Stats
Page generated in 0.035 seconds
Total duration
672 users online
958,821 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hi there, well this is it, my first story on FiMfiction, I will decide to continue or not depending on the comments, so post your opinion I would love to hear from you
I like it so far. It's nice and long and pretty well written.
Though when someone is yelling you can just put an ! and clarify that they are yelling.
-----------
“VINYL HUURY UP, WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR OUR RESERVATION.” Octavia yelled from the doorway of their town house.
“Vinyl hurry up, we're going to be late for out reservation!” Octavia yelled from the doorway of their town house.
See? Looks neater lol.
so far I'll give it a 4.5 for quality writing.
Big Mac seal of approval
A really interesting story, and I'll be waiting for the next chapter, but you seem to have some punctuation issues. It's not bad enough to damage the story, but it does rip me from the immersion somewhat.
Stupid criticul, taking my suggestions... Anyway, nice story, few mistakes. I approve! 4.5/5
Are you reading "Two's Company, Three's Crowd"? I swear that you are.
*tracks* this looks interesting
Damm good fic
keep it coming. You reely aplied your ideas well in this chapter
Alright, you say nobody is going to see it coming? I'm wagering that Vinyl is a vampire.
Other than a couple punctuation errors and some run-on sentences, this is pretty interesting. I'll be tracking this
106414
I might be
how could you think of something so horrible, I would never do that to my fav background pony, cause that would make this fix a twilight rip off and you don't want to go there
106366 I wanted an excuse to use the caps lock
106507
ME NEED MOAR
106549 Thank you sir that's all I needed to hear (starts writing Chapter two)
Interesting, but A few annoying mistakes you might wanna iron out. Other than that it's fine
106709Yhea i've noticed a few myself, will get right on that
Well it's obvious
Why Vinyle is acting strangely Dont be Surprised
Vinyle just needed somewhere to hide to keep her alive
Her heart is obviously pony
And her blood is boiling
But I think her brain is IBM
Well it's obvious
Why Vinyle is acting strangely Dont be Surprised
Vinyle just needed somewhere to hide to keep her alive
Her heart is obviously pony
And her blood is boiling
But I think her brain is IBM
106756
Domo origoto for the story
I hope it Styx around
106759Thanks
But you lost me with your comment
A few minor mistakes, but a very good read none the less ! Can't wait for the next chapter !
Rating: 4/5 RD's
other than some relatively minor grammar and spelling issues, this is very, very good. Think about getting an editor to help smooth the issues out, and it'll be even better.
3.5 stars and mustache spike is your reward for this fine piece of craftsmanship
I was sort of asked for a second opinion on the editing of this. After skimming a bit, mostly dialogue, I noticed your punctuation is very misplaced or bare. So, I won't comment on anything else since I have not thoroughly read it or analyzed any other parts.
It seems many are quite fond of the story, so I may read it eventually.
Celebrities? VinylxOcty? Blatantly pissed antagonist comes in and let's everypony know what's up? You sir +1 Reader. And I'll clone myself thrice if I see my fave celeb in here at some point.
One review, as requested! Please don't be offended if I seem harsh at any point.
Celestia’s sun was sinking into the horizon, bathing the sky red, ponies every where enjoyed the last warming rays of the sun as day slowly turned to night.
These are two independent clauses smashed together; they should be separated into two sentences by a period or comma, since they focus on different ideas (the sun versus the ponies). And everywhere is one word.
the elderly reminisced on sun sets gone by,
Sunsets.
On a hill just outside of Ponyvill, one such couple were enjoying the sunset of their first anniversary, not caring about the troubles of yesterday or the past, content to enjoy the moment of perfection they had created, hoping that the sun would freeze in the sky capturing this moment for ever….yet fate, as always, had other plans…
Bluh, this sentence. It just wanders around like a drunken cat, padding aimlessly from one subject to the next, sniffing them for their juicy details in no particular order and generally running on for too long, content with the dulled sharpness of its mind and yet vaguely aware of the fish-scented vomit drying on its paws. It would definitely help to narrow both the sentence and its focus down if you made it less airy and more concrete, because otherwise people are all like "so where are you going with this again?"
Saying "one such couple were" is a glaring case of subject-verb disagreement. The verb "were" refers to the state of more than one subjects; on the other hand, "couple" is singular, as despite the fact that it refers to two things, it makes up a single unit. Thus, it should be "one such couple was". (For an example, compare "the puppies were" to "the litter of puppies was.") Although using "it" in place of "they" would make all of it seem awkward. So yeah, this sentence really needs to be rewritten.
Also, Ponyville has an E at the end, and forever is one word. I don't think you really need that second ellipsis either.
“Wow…you were right Vinyl, the sunset is beautiful from stargazer hill.”
Should be a comma after "right", otherwise it's like she's saying Vinyl is "right Vinyl", which looks strange and is reminiscient of "longcat is long". Stargazer Hill should be capitalized, since it's the hill's name. And that period should be a comma.
Quick grammar lesson! When writing dialogue with action breaking it up, remember that they're still all sentences. If we take something like "Yeah." agreed Bob, and if we took out the quotation marks, it would become Yeah. agreed Bob. It's then quite easy to see that it's supposed to be a single sentence and thus needs a comma there, since agreeing is a speaking verb (that is, it denotes how something is being said, similarly to yelling and asking. If on the other hand the section was describing what Bob was doing while speaking instead of how he was saying it, then it would be two separate sentences. So "Yeah." Bob leaned against the wall would be grammatically correct, while "Yeah," Bob leaned agains the wall would not, since leaning isn't a speaking verb.
“Simple, just asked Twilight where any good places were to watch the sunset, this was the first place she suggested.” replied Vinyl, “Anyhoof because this is our special day I have one more surprise for you, two if you play your cards right.” she suggested with a wink.
That first sentence needs to be split in two. You should switch around the period and comma surrounding "replied Vinyl". The period before "she suggested" should be a comma.
“Dinner at Le saveurs de Prance…” she would have said more but was cut off by a sudden school girl squeal “whoa calm down Octy”
"Saveurs," "she", and "whoa" all need capitalization. Schoolgirl is one word, "whoa" and "said" should be followed by a comma, "but was" should be "but she was", and "squeal" and "Octy" should be followed by a period each (or an exclamation for the latter, depending how forcefully it was being said).
“Oh sorry Vinyl, it just that’s the single most prestigious restaurant in all of Canterlot, it’s rumoured that even the nobles have to make their reservations months in advance, how in Equestria did you get a table there?”
One sentence has to be split into three in this case (focusing on what kind of restaurant it is, just how prestigious it is, and the question of how the table was acquired, respectively).
Then more sentences that need ending punctuation.
“Really, how about the time you got the entire Equestrian concert hall booked for my quartet’s rehearsal, or the time you convinced the head of the Royal musical society to pick me for the Grand Galloping Gala”
"Really" is a question here, so it needs a question mark. Are "Equestrian concert hall", "head", and "Royal musical society" titles? They'll need capitalization if they are. And there should be a period.
You know from now on I'll be fixing up the punctuation, capitalization, and grammar and spelling errors, as the remarks for those are cluttering up my other notes.
“He he.” Vinyl chuckled. “Maybe one day, Octy, I’ll tell you. But I was thinking,” she said as she embraced the gray mare next to her. “The reservation is for tomorrow night, so I was wondering how you are going make it up to me”
As "he" isn't onomatopoeia for laugher, that should be changed to "hee hee" or "heh". And you might want to switch around "Octy" and "I'll tell you" to make it sound less awkward. But more importantly, why is the reservation for tomorrow night if today is their special day? That doesn't make sense.
“Fine." Vinyl sighed. “How’s this: I tell you tomorrow night over dinner…that’s if you can convince me to let you tag along.”
Changing "that's" to "that is" would improve flow.
“I suppose I can wait till tomorrow. And I might know of a way or two to ‘convince’ you,” Octavia coyly suggested as she embraced the unicorn in return.
"Embraced" already showed up two paragraphs ago, so it's redundant.
Octavia leaned over and whispered in her ear. Vinyl blushed and said with a grin, “That’ll do it.”
You might want to think about setting the Vinyl part as its own paragraph. Every speaker change needs a new paragraph, and Vinyl had already spoken in the last part, so ...
I'm not really seeing what the point of this part is. I get that this is supposed to help show Vinyl and Octavia's relationship, but it really doesn't come off as much more than what any other couple would do when flirting. There isn't a whole lot of individual personality to them, and since individuality is crucial when it comes to making readers care for the characters, that's a bad thing.
There should also be more description. A lot more. Nothing's really fleshed out except for the fact that the sky's red. For all I know Ponyville was teleported to Hell sometime in the past, and the couple is lounging nonchalantly on a soot island poking out from a sea of lava.
---
Octavia was relentlessly pacing outside their house. A carriage had pulled up not long ago, the pullers looked slightly bored but didn’t overly care about what was going on, they had been rented out for the night and didn’t mind not walking for a change.
The second sentence needs to be completely reworked. The carriage is already the subject, so the note about the pullers shouldn't be shoehorned in there. And it's extremely confusing because it implies that the pullers are the ones who don't mind not walking, which is utterly bizarre.
“VINYL, HURRY UP! WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR OUR RESERVATION!” Octavia yelled from the doorway of their town house.
The capslock here is completely unnecessary; it should only be used for special emphasis, since its potency is inversely proportional to its quantity. Simply using exclamation points is enough. And why is it being called a townhouse?
“Darling, what’s all this yelling for? Normally I wouldn‘t pry, but I just put Sweetie Belle and her friends to sleep, and I would hate for them to wake up. It was hard enough to get them to stay in the bed,” a voice asked from behind her.
How do you ask "It was hard enough to get them to stay in bed?"
Octavia turned around to identify the speaker; it was none other than Rarity, the local dressmaker and fashion expert. “Oh, hello Rarity. Sorry about the noise; I know how energetic those three can be.” She shuddered at the memory of their latest crusade. “I’m just waiting on Vinyl to finish getting ready in the bathroom.” The last part of the sentence struck her as odd. “Wow, never thought I’d ever say that,” she thought to herself.
It's usually better if the thoughts have italics instead of quotation marks, as that makes it easier to tell from the dialogue. And if she's waiting for Vinyl to come out of the bathroom, why isn't she waiting the bathroom instead of outside the house?
Rarity looked at her quizzically. “Why, whatever for?”
“Well you see, somehow Vinyl managed to get a table at Le Saveurs de Prance and…” She was suddenly cut off by a squeal not dissimilar to the one she had given Vinyl last night.
“But that’s the single most prestigious restaurant in all of Canterlot! If I may ask, how did a mare of Vinyl’s….standing, ever get a table there of all places?”
“Well, the manager owed her a favour or something; I’m not sure on the details.”
“Well my dear, I’m sure you will have a wonderful time. But I have to wonder: is that what you’re wearing?"
There could be action here to give the dialogue some color, like Rarity bouncing a little in excitement or something.
"What’s wrong with my dress?” Octavia asked, looking down at her dress; it was a white evening dress and had cost her a substantial amount of bits.
I picture a wedding dress here. Use details convince me otherwise.
“Oh, nothing my dear, it looks divine on you. It’s just not what I would have chosen. Possibly something a bit more sparkly…with some diamonds,” she mused. “I just wish you would have come to me first for your dress. Ah well, nothing to be done about it now. But I digress; you must tell me everything when you come back.”
“Of course, Rarity.”
“Octy, I’m coming out!” yelled Vinyl from inside the house.
“About time,” Octavia replied. “What took you so long in th—?” Her words (and 99% of her mental functions) abruptly came to a halt as Vinyl walked out the door. Somewhere behind her she could hear the sound of Rarity’s and the carriage ponies’ jaws hitting the ground, along with her own. Vinyl was wearing a black figure-hugging evening dress that had a slit along the left flank, not enough to reveal but enough to get the imagination going. But the dress wasn’t the sole reason for the jaw dropping. Vinyl’s hair wasn’t blue or spiky; it was light brown with a red tinge and was flowing down her neck.
Numbers in writing should be written out (aside from very large ones of course), so that should read as ninety-nine percent. Though that seems to be an awfully specific percentage considering the brainpower required to think it up, so a somewhat vaguer quantifier (such as "nearly all") should help it to fit better. But how did she hear her own jaw hit the ground behind her?
“Vinyl … your … hair?”
My thoughts exactly. WTF is her hair suddenly doing a different color? I'm sure there isn't a ban on having blue hair when in a restaurant, especially not for a land of candy-colored ponies.
“Oh this? I’ll explain on the way, we had better get going if we want to make the reservation. And you may want to close your mouth, Octy, you're gona catch flies like that,” said Vinyl with a smirk in her voice, her appearance obviously having the desired effect.
Octavia blinked. “Oh, umm, sure. Let’s get going then, good night Rarity, and sorry about the noise earlier … Are you okay?”
“Oh, I’m all right, it’s just … I didn’t expect Vinyl to … clean up so well.” Rarity, through sheer force of will, forced her gaze away from Vinyl and turned to walk away. “I won't keep you from your engagement any longer. Good night dears!"
2x "force/d" combo in a single sentence! Redundancy ahoy!
Vinyl climbed into the carriage. “Hurry up, Tavi, we’re going to be late!” As she climbed onto the footstep, the carriage ponies let out a breath they hadn’t known they were holding, and each thanked their lucky stars they weren’t Pegasi.
Octavia smiled and climbed into the carriage. “Let’s go then.”
Separated this into two paragraphs because there's two different speakers. Also how did Vinyl climb onto the footstep if she'd already climbed into the carriage.
Now so far I haven't seen a lot of emotion going on. I have a weird feeling that if I swapped out Vinyl and Octavia for Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, it wouldn't really change the story at all. The way a person reacts to something is a part of their character, and there isn't much reacting to anything beyond the basic "ooh she's pretty." Delving a bit more into Octavia's thoughts would help, as would some motion to make them not just stand around.
There also needs to be description. I know I said that before, but it bears repeating. Yes, even Rarity should be introduced with more words than simply "Rarity".
---
As Luna’s moon crested the sky, the carriage carrying the couple was approaching the last stretch of road before Canterlot. “Vinyl, it’s time you told me what’s up with your hair. Is this hair colour real? Why did you never tell me your hair wasn‘t actually blue?”
“Octavia, have I ever told you how much I love the night?” Vinyl replied softly as she looked out the window.
“Vinyl, stop being silly and answer the question before I hurt you,” Octavia playfully threatened
Vinyl turned to face Octavia, “Well you see, Octy, the blue is actually a magic dye, waterproof, doesn’t fade or anything so it’s great for my gigs. As for not telling you, my hair reminds me of my past: I‘d prefer to forget it. But I decided that tonight was special, so you deserved to know.”
What. Why would you make her hair color something else? Unless it has something to do with the vampire thing (yeah, I totally skimmed the comments beforehand), it doesn't make sense. At all. There's no reason why she shouldn't have blue hair. Incidentally, why would she have waited this long to tell Octavia about it? It's not like it'd be a more awkward topic than potential STDs.
“And the spikes?” Octavia asked
“Spikes are cool,” Vinyl replied with a smirk
“Well, Vinyl, I can say that for once you actually look respectable. And the long hair suits you, makes look pretty.”
“Wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard that,” Vinyl whispered quietly so herself that Octavia barely heard her. “Don’t get use to it, I do have an image to maintain after all,” Vinyl teased in a louder voice.
That whispering part would be better if it was a thought instead, as otherwise it seems shoehorned in for the reader's benefit.
Octavia pondered what she meant, but quickly dismissed her line of thought as the carriage pulled up alongside their destination. As Octavia got out of the carriage she was able to take in the full effect of the building: the entrance was lit up in a soft green glow by magic crystals arranged in an arch with rose bushes lining the path. But what took her breath away was the amount of famous ponies entering the building. She had already seen Lord Harmonious, the stallion in charge of the Royal Equestrian Choir; Lilly Bouquet, proprietor of Flower and Rose, the single largest chain of flower distributors in Equestria; and even Prince Blueblood himself.
“Why hello there! I don’t believe I’ve seen you here before, but I recognized you as Octavia from the royal Equestrian Orchestra, and being a fan of music I just had to introduce myself,” a well refined Manehatten accent addressed her from her left, startling her.
There seems to be an awful lot of sneaking up when new ponies are introduced. Is this an attempt to sneak away from not describing them?
Octavia let out a squeak and turned to see the pony who addressed her, only to find herself facing the pony everypony must know: a stallion that through charisma and hard work had created from dirt poor beginnings a rather impressive fortune. “Sir Fancy Pants!” Octavia gasped, “I … ah … I … ” She stumbled in her head trying to think of something, anything to say, but her brain had turned to mush in the presence of Equestria’s trendsetting legend.
Fancy Pants chuckled warmly. “Please, call me Fancy. I’m a fan of your works; I must say they help me relax after a long day, and I have all your albums. In fact I would be honoured if you would be willing to give me and my darling wife Fleur—” Fancy gestured to the tall slender unicorn mare next to him. “—A private concert sometime. We would be more than happy to reimburse you for your time, of course.”
You do realize that sounds like he's seducing her, right? And I don't think he'd let Rarity call him just "Fancy", so.
Octavia was stunned. Fancy Pants was a fan of her music, AND was requesting a private concert … WITH pay. Her mind slowed to a crawl trying to process the information.
“She would love to,” Vinyl said as she walked up to a still frozen Octavia. “Wouldn’t you Octy?” Octavia was still frozen, so Vinyl grabbed her head and nodded for her. “She agrees”.
Fancy Pants laughed softly whilst his wife hid a small grin with her hoof at the antics taking place in front of them.
“I don’t believe we have meet before, you are ...?” inquired Fancy Pants, a chuckle in his voice.
“Why, I’m Octy’s other, sexier, half,” Vinyl replied, shortly receiving a hoof to the back of her head. “Watch it Octy, you're gonna give me a concussion one of these days.”
“Vinyl, if I didn’t need you to get inside I would give you far worse than a concussion.” Octavia’s tone was getting angrier with each word.
“So is that all I am to you, a ticket to a fancy restaurant?” Vinyl turned to Fancy, a mischievous grin on her face. “See how she treats me? This is what I go through every day.”
“Vinyl, not here of all places! Control yourself!” Giving Vinyl a glare that would give Fluttershy a run for her money, her anger at Vinyl snapped her out of her starstruck daze, and she turned to Fancy Pants. “Thank you, I would love to give you and your wife a private concert.”
Fancy Pants was having a small laughing fit, and Fleur was having trouble concealing a rather large grin. “Are you two okay?” asked Octavia, mortified that she may have inadvertently humiliated herself in front of the elite of the elite … Vinyl if this is your fault somehow, and I know it is, I am going to end you… she thought, thinking of the various ways to bring about her revenge. Chief in her mind was finding the nearest sharp object and proceeding to ventilate Vinyl‘s chest cavity.
OMG foreshadowing!!!11!one But for serious, that's an extreme reaction for embarrassment.
Fancy Pants quickly regained his composure, but it was Fleur who answered first. “Don’t worry, we’re quite all right. It’s just that you two are such a cute couple.” Her grin was still her face, but it was mostly under control. “I am very pleased that you are agreeing to give us a concert. I would love to stay and chat more, but we must make our reservations.”
For Pete's sake, not the cute couple line! I swear it shows up in every single shipping fic ever. I bet if you browsed through the darkest corners of the internet and dredged up a Discord/Gummy clopfic, you'd see somebody would walk in on them right in the middle of the hot 'n' sweaty action and completely ruin the mood by squealing that they're such a cute couple. Please, please, please try to think outside the box with dialogue. On another note, why are they making reservations? Aren't they there to make good on reservations?
“Ahh yes, quite right my dear.” Fancy turned to address Octavia. “I am sorry but we must cut this conversation short. Please stop by my humble abode in Canterlot sometime tomorrow to arrange times. I’ll tell the butler to be expecting you.”
“Thank you Fancy, I will be there around half past twelve.” Octavia replied, still slightly giddy at the prospect of performing for the elite of Canterlot’s elite. “Come Vinyl, we should go get seated as well”
As the two couples approached the entrance a unicorn stallion dressed in a suit standing behind a wooden podium addressed them. “May I help you?” he asked in a cultured tone.
“Yes, my wife and I have reservations for two under the name Fancy,” Fancy Pants replied.
See, I knew it.
The doorpony quickly glanced through the list with practised ease. “Ahh yes, please come inside; your table is waiting for you.”
Fancy turned to the couple behind him. “Be seeing you inside, Octavia my dear, and ... I don’t believe I ever got your name, Miss,” he said.
Vinyl blushed slightly “Oh, how rude of me. I’m Vincenza, but my friends call me Vinyl Scratch. I also go by the stage name DJ-pon3, but there is plenty of time to discuss my vocation at a later date,” she replied, not in her normal voice but in well refined tones, causing Octavia’s brain to stall for a third time that night.
This is the DJ pony speaking, right? Not some suspiciously similar-looking OC?
Fancy Pants simply smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Hmm, interesting,” he thought to himself, and wished the couple goodnight before entering the restaurant, followed by Fleur.
The doorpony, during the brief conversation, had quickly flicked through the list. “Yes, we have your table ready inside madam. Enjoy your evening.”
Vinyl turned to look at Octy with a mischievous look in her eye. “Come on, Tavi. You don’t want to miss our reservation, do you?” Vinyl turned and entered the restaurant; Octavia followed behind operating on auto-pilot, a shell shocked expression on her face.
The couple sat down in their private booth overlooking the main stage. As they sat down Octavia nearly exploded as her brain finished processing the information. “What the hay was that, Vinyl?" Octavia was sitting to the left of her marefriend and gave her a point blank death glare. “I have been trying to get you to talk properly for ages, with no luck, mostly because of you. Then you go and talk like you were raised in a noble house all your life back there … Start talking, starting with the name. Who is Vincenza?”
Spaced out the stuff so every speaker gets their own paragraph.
This is seriously the sort of thing someone would need to know in a relationship. What kind of healthy relationship involves one of the participants hiding their real name from the other? The mind boggles.
And the "sat down" thing is super redundant.
Vinyl gave her an I’m-innocent-please-don’t-kill-me look. “Fine, fine, just tone down the interrogation! By Celestia, have I ever told you how glad I am you don’t have laser eyes?” She got another death glare from Octavia. “Okay, okay, you see the thing with the name and fancy talk actually stems from my music career funnily enough.” Octavia gave her a sceptical look. “Let me explain: you see I used to be a regular DJ, I had contracts and gigs just like every other DJ, but I didn’t want to just do nightclubs and the occasional party. I wanted to have my own albums, I wanted to do huge concerts like Big Day Out, but every time I approached a recording studio they always gave me shitty contracts that had me bucked six ways to Sunday, and every time I tried to haggle with them they refused to sign, mostly because the haggling would deteriorate into a shouting match.”
And Octavia didn't know Vinyl's past either. Just gets better and better.
Also the death glare thing is redundant; you might want to think about expanding your writing vocabulary a little.
“Now that I can believe,” Octavia said, smiling at Vinyl.
“Yep, turns out they thought I was stupid because of the way I talked and looked, so I decided that if they were going to treat Vinyl Scratch like an idiot, I would do something different the next signing.” Vinyl chuckled to herself. “You should have seen the producer's face when I walked through the door — ha! Priceless. After I had negotiated a settlement favourable to both parties I left, contract signed and me on the way to being the next biggest to hit Equestria. Since then I always use the fancy accent to talk to the suites.”
Noun
suite (plural suites)
1.A retinue or company of attendants, as of a distinguished personage; as, the suite of an ambassador.
I dont think that word means what you think it means.
Why does she keep switching between formal and casual? If she's been able to hide her formal voice from Octavia for this long, why is she suddenly mixing them up? It's like you can't decide between this one, and it's utterly confusing.
“So when did you learn to speak like that, and where did you get that name?” Octavia asked, intrigued at learning about her marefriend’s history, yet annoyed that her question hadn’t been answered.
This makes it sound like they're on their first ever date. Which it totally could have been, since that would have at least been a logical excuse to tell us about their pasts.
Vinyl took a little time before she answered; she looked down at the table. “A long time ago and in a faraway place,” Vinyl replied in a quiet voice, a faraway look on her face, as if she was remembering something from her past.
Redundant faraway is redundant.
Octavia took notice of this and remembered what Vinyl had said in the carriage reminds me of my past: I‘d prefer to forget it. “Vinyl, it's okay. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.” Her face shifted to a caring expression, though she made a mental note to press Vinyl about it sometime later in the week when they got back to the house.
So they're lying to each other now! How thrilling! And this implies that they're not planning on returning home for several days.
The sound of Octavia’s voice snapped Vinyl out of her reflection. “Thanks Octy.” At that moment Octavia’s stomach rumbled; Vinyl smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Maybe we should order some food, what do you think?”
“I think some food would be delightful.” Octavia’s stomached rumbled again. “Maybe we should order soon before I start eating the table cloth?”
Vinyl smiled. “What’s this? Did our Octavia make a joke, a real attempt at humour?”
“Yes Vinyl, I do possess some capacity for comedy.” Octavia rolled her eyes as she said this. “Now shut up and order so we can eat.”
Vinyl signalled a waiter over. “My partner and I are ready to order, we will have the seafood platter with the Albarino, and the salad with the Riesling, thank you.” The waiter took down their order on a small notepad he was levitating in front of himself.
Can she read Octavia's mind? Is that why she ordered without asking her what she wanted?
Ugh, "smiled" is repeated. And why are you mentioning the minor detail of the levitating notepad when you haven't even described the restaurant itself?
“Will you require anything else for your dining pleasure?”
“Yes. After we have finished the main course, please send your dessert waiter to our table.” Vinyl nodded slightly with her head dismissing the waiter; the waiter bowed slightly and briskly walked to the kitchen. Vinyl and Octavia continued to make light conversation, talking about each other's music, about the prices at Sugarcube corner, and about the recent shenanigans of six certain mares. Their platter arrived: it was a collection of different seaweeds and sea urchins arranged in decorative pattern, Octavia was hesitant about trying the odd-looking flora, but tried a small mouthful at Vinyl’s insistence. It tasted amazing, a bit salty but in a nice way; the rest of the platter was quickly devoured after that. The salad arrived and quickly went the way of the platter.
You do know that sea urchins are animals, right?
And so much repetition guh.
“So have you enjoyed your evening so far, Tavi?” Vinyl asked from across the table. Octavia had a content look on her face.
“That food was amazing; I can see why this place has such high reviews. Thank you Vinyl. This evening has been perfect; nothing could ruin it for me.”
I facepalmed at the fact that she actually said this.
Vinyl looked over Octavia’s shoulder. “Here comes our waiter. Hope you left room for dessert, Octy.”
Octavia turned around to look at the waiter. They meet eyes and both froze in place. “No, it can’t be him,” she thought to herself. But it was: same light green coat, same grey mane cut shorter than last time she had seen him, same skinny build, same hazel brown eyes. “Pebble Shifter,” she squeaked in a tight voice.
Pebble was frozen in place. “No it can’t be her, why her, why now when my life is just starting to come back together?” Here in front of him was the mare that had ruined his life, made him lose everything. Dark memories surfaced on seeing her. “Octavia, good to see you again. How have the last six years been to you, good by the looks of things, looks like you got your dreams ... living it up all fancy, and what’s this? With a mare no less! I‘ve been great, who knew that a prison cell could be so comfortable ... and by the way Bubbles was very gentle. You know, I had a lot of time to do some thinking in that place, and you know what I thought about? I thought about everything, and I decided that the next time I saw you I would tell you exactly what I thought of you ... so here it is.You are the worst pony ever to exist ever... and I hope you drop DEAD!” Pebble’s voice had gotten more and more hostile as the rant went on, ending in a shout. The entire restaurant came to a hushed stillness all eyes turned to their booth.
PFFFFT BWAHAHAHAHA
This is so melodramatic that it's impossible not to laugh. This is why it's impossible to lay all of a character's cards on the table in one go. Does anyone really let loose their entire life story, aside from in corny movies? It's incredibly unrealistic. Did his employers check his records before hiring him to work at a restaurant where all the most important ponies dine? And "you are the worst pony ever to exist ever" is the worst insult ever to exist ever. And a prison rapist named Bubbles, wow. That's the cherry on top of this dripping cliche-flavored sundae.
Also there's more redundancy but that only added to the corniness so whatever.
Vinyl was opening her mouth to give this stallion a piece of her mind, when Octavia beat her to the punch. “I’m sorry Pebble, but you brought it upon yourself…” She never got the chance to finish.
“SHUT UP! YOU MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL FOR FIVE YEARS, FIVE YEARS OF LIVING IN FEAR AND ABUSE! YOU ABANDONDED ME AND HAD ME THROWN INTO A PRISION, IT’S YOUR FAULT…ALL…YOUR…FAULT” Pebble's face was a mask of rage.
I thought it had been six years, not five. And see, this is why capslock should be used sparingly; it's like you're saying "LOOK AT WHAT HE'S SAYING GUYS THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS RIGHT HERE," which severely dials down the drama.
“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” A small grey unicorn stallion with a neatly combed moustache had come out of the kitchens, his voice boomed across the dinning room. “PEBBLE SHIFTER I WANT YOU OUT OF THAT UNIFORM AND OUT OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT NOW!”
Pebble turned to face the stallion. “M-m-m-mister Vignoble, I-I-I-I …” he stammered.
“Get out of my restaurant now and don’t ever come back.” Pebble turned and fled out the front door. Vignoble turned to face the guests. “I would like to extend my sincerest apologies to all of my esteemed guests, for having to witness that unfortunate display. The stallion is no longer in my employ.” The other guests turned back to their meals and company, and Vignoble turned to the two mares in the booth. “Madams, please accept my most humble apologies.” He looked at Octavia, then Vinyl; he recognized Vinyl instantly. “Miss Vinyl, oh I am so sorry about— I have no idea what would make Pebble do such a thing! Please allow me to waive the costs for the meal.”
Vinyl smiled. “Thanks Viggy. How’s Precieux?”
“She is well but goes by the stage name, Beauty Bass. As much as it pains me to say it, she is very good. I can’t thank you enough for helping us out with her music; she has really put those tuition lessons to good work.”
This is nice, but what does it have to do with anything? And why is it being crammed into the aftermath of what could have been a vicious attack?
Also the apologies thing is so redundant it's painful.
Octavia was by this point a little confused and very tired; the incident with Pebble had drained the good mood she had earlier, leaving her feeling washed out. “Excuse me for interrupting, but how do you know Vinyl?” she asked.
“So this must be the mare you told me about, Vinyl. I agree she is very cute, though I do not think I wish to see her mad, no matter how much cuter she gets.” Vignoble turned his gaze to Octavia. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Octavia. Well, I know Vinyl because she has been the personal DJ tutor to my darling daughter Precieux. She has been amazing in helping my daughter with her craft, even going so far as to help her find her regular employment. She has been very good at bridging the gap between me and my daughter; why, if not for her I would not have a tenth of the relationship I now share with my daughter.”
“Vinyl you never told me that you were giving tuition lessons” Octavia looked at Vinyl a raised eyebrow all the expression she needed.
Why is she surprised? It's not like Vinyl ever tells her anything ever.
Also the fact that he is casually referring to Octavia as cute is very very creepy. And it bothers me, as mentioned above.
Vinyl looked at Octavia, tilting her head to the side a puzzled look on her face. “You never asked.” Vinyl turned to face Vignoble as Octavia facehoofed. “Thank you for the meal, but I think it is about time we should be leaving.” Vinyl got up, curtsied as Vignoble bowed in return, and with a little flick of her hair proceeded to leave the building.
Octavia quickly scrambled after her. As they approached their carriage Vinyl tilted her head in Octavia’s direction. “So, who was he?” she asked in a quiet voice that scared Octavia and sent shivers down her spine.
“It’s a long story, Vinyl.” Octavia climbed into the carriage, sitting down opposite Vinyl.
Vinyl looked out the window. “I have time,” she replied.
Octavia sighed. “He was my coltfriend. We were inseparable, we thought we would get married and grow old together.”
Vinyl looked at her. “What changed?"
You know, there is a lot of turning and looking and standing even when they were already turning and looking and standing.
Octavia looked at the floor in shame. “I did. As my music career took off, I began to spend more and more time in Canterlot and less time back in Hoofington with him. You know the saying ‘you are who you surround yourself with‘?” Vinyl nodded. “I began to act like the stuck-up ponies I played for. Eventually I broke up with him.”
Vinyl looked away. “I understand Octavia, I truly do …So what happened next?”
Octavia took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds then calmly expelled it. “Well, after I broke up with him he went off the rails, started stalking me. When he broke into my old apartment in Canterlot, I alerted the local guards and had a restraining notice filed against him. Everything was fine for a time after that, I truly thought that he had given up. But I came home one night to find him standing in my lounge, a knife on the table. He said he loved me and if we couldn’t be together in life, we would be together in death. I managed to scream and make enough noise that the night janitor came running. He knocked out Pebble, saving my life. After the courts found him guilty of attempted murder he was sent to prison for eight years, five on good behaviour, on the grounds that he would be given psychiatric help upon his release.” Octavia looked at Vinyl, mentally begging her to look at her.
What's so terrible about having a knife on the table? And why would a stallion who needs psychiatric help be allowed to work around such high-profile ponies?
Vinyl looked at Octavia, her ruby-red eyes meeting Octavia’s purple ones. “I understand Octy, you did what you had to do. It’s not your fault he went off the rails. Some ponies just can’t let go.” Octavia smiled and they leaned across to embrace each other, content to hold each other. Eventually they broke the hug, Octavia swapped sides sitting on the same side as Vinyl, and she snuggled into Vinyls arms, whilst Vinyl looked out the window and thought, “Per favore per favore, fatemelo tenerla per un po piu a lungo, per favore Octy non odiarmi per quello che sono.”
More repetitiveness going on, and I'm not sure what's up with that third sentence. I put the "to" in there because that's the only way it made sense to me.
And I'm not sure if the author's note is necessary. Names don't need to be explained, and if someone's curious as to what the Italian means you could always just tell them in the comments or wherever. Although it's awkward seeing that elegant Italian with Octy randomly sticking out in the middle.
So anyway. Description. You need it. We don't have any sense of the world, the atmosphere, the night, the feelings (besides what's made explicit) their appearances ... it's just bland without it. You have a skeleton of a story begging to be fleshed out with details.
Vinyl's and Octavia's relationship must be very shallow if they don't even know each others' pasts. All through their interactions I could only think how easy it would be to replace them with Edward and Bella. Seriously, they don't have that much chemistry, and they seem to exist only to provide a love interest for each other. They need personality, they need to emote, they need to be real. Once that's done, I can care about them.
And the speed of plot is very listy. Everything just jumps around from point A to point B to point C. "They were on a hill. They went to Canterlot. They got threatened by an ex, and then they went home." There's no flow between the events, they just happen. This is where details come doubly in handily, as they can help to fill in the gaps between transitions.
Whew, that was rather lengthy! Luckily that concludes my overview of this chapter. I shall go over the second one shortly, and it of course will have its own lengthy comment. If you're curious about anything, just let me know!
I already love this story good job few make me love a story so quickly
poor Pebble
he didnt done anything wrong it was all octy fault
1444766 not one to usually comment on old comments but you cant be serious attempted murder is no ones fault but their own