• Member Since 17th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 1st, 2017

Racko


Because ponies!!!

T

Spike has been rejected by Rarity after helping her for a very important client and a fashion show. He disappears shortly afterwards, leaving Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, and the rest of the gang saddened by his absence.

It has been three years since that incident, and the girls have gotten past the sadness, but still get together to remember the purple dragon every year. On this day, a new pony comes to Ponyville, and although he knows nothing of what his life was like, helps the group have more fun and fills part of the hole left in their hearts from Spike.

Idea for the fashion show goes to LordPlagus777's story Heart of Scales.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 912 )

Well, this is my first attempt at fiction, and my first attempt at creative writing since, well, ever! Hope it doesn't show too badly... :twilightblush:

Tell me what you think of it, give any advice you can think of. :duck:

I have some of the story mapped out already, but it makes me feel like the story is going too slow, but at the same time, I don't want to shorten it, because it will feel rushed to me. :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Hope you enjoy it, and any comments are welcome, along with ideas! :pinkiehappy:

Obsidian... He wouldn't happen to be a ponified Spike would he? I can tell he is.

1497792 OK, you have here: An Amazing Story! I love it, the writing, you captured personality's pretty well, but just one thing: It's to easy to predict what might happen... I think :moustache: might be Obsidian... But anyways, is that like your like?

Also: Tips

1. Character Dept: The more you can portray the character, the better you shall write fiction, you did this pretty well, but with a few details off.

2. Story Length: The more details you have, the better you shall write fiction, when Twilight took Obsidian out for a tour you barely showed many places at all.

I say, grade

Character Portraying: Now, you did a good job, but a few chips here and there: 9

Plot: This story has an amazing plot that I love and want to see more of, it's cool and original as well: 10

Details: This story has amazing Plot, and Characters, but it lacks detail, on the tour of Ponyville she only took him to a few places but in those places was detail: 7

Predictability: This story, you can tell what's going to happen, but it's still a good story, and my predictions might be off, so: 10

Your final grade is a nice 8 out of 10, for good story, good characters, but a few bad details here and there, overall, a story I would recommend to many people who like this kind of story, Good Job!

This is my first official: FST [Fanfic Story Review] a new grading system that I will use to help new writers do their thing, I give this story a 8 out of 10 for good!

Unless this (so far) OC is Spike, this is a pretty bad idea. Because it's like saying tha friends can be replaced. Something that goes awainst everything that the show represents.

1505145
Thank you! :raritywink: You may be right, but it may not be how you are expecting.

1505209 Trust me, if it was always how I thought it would be, I would hate this site... but thanks! wait, maybe Spike's spirit, I have this sneaking suspicion of a Trollestia that just happened... :trollestia:

1505256
Good guess, and thanks for the review. I think you give me a little too much credit.. :twilightsheepish:
I got torn between adding details, or feeling like I was trying to make it too fluffy.. :pinkiecrazy:
I will try adding more details in chapters to come, and will see about making the tour of Ponyville a little more detailed.

1505304 If anything, I feared I had given you to little, LOL :pinkiecrazy: The credit is based on how important the categories are, the first two are most important as you can't even WRITE a fanfic without portraying a character, 8 out of 10 is a grade befitting this amazing story, it's a good Spike centered fic!

Love it, faved it.

That fall...
10/10 i lol'd

Black unicorn named Obsidian? Isn't that the legendary villain from The Dresden Fillies: False Masks?

So he is a reincarnation of Spike :twilightoops:

I'm confused, how did this get featured?:twilightoops: With 14 likes and 6 dislikes, that's not really "featured" worthy.:unsuresweetie:

But what do I know? First chapter was alright, may or may not follow.

MORE! I AM LOVING THIS STORY!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

1505444>>1505478
Thank you! :twilightsmile: Glad I am doing something right. :twilightsheepish:
1505488
Hmm, it wasn't intentional, and I hope i don't take ideas from it.. :twilightoops:
1505503
Not exactly, although he is created from what happened to Spike.

How the fuck did this get featured with only 20 thumbs ups?!

Sorry, just raging from jealousy.

sorry haven't read this but I looked at the picture and almost died. It's exactly like my profile pic.
I just went :applecry::applecry: :rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh: :applecry::rainbowderp::duck::pinkiegasp::rainbowlaugh:
will read though sunds good.

Edit: scratch that it is exactly the same as my profile pic.

Nice story and drama, but I do not like this OC. His name is sounds like something a teenager would come up with to sound cool, all six ponies think he's attractive, and he's replacing the character that the rest of the fandom likes to neglect two outta three times. He'd better be a ponified Spike, or else...

1505560
:pinkiegasp: I don't have a clue, I don't even think it was good enough for it.
I hope to make the story better with the next chapter!
1505567
I am currently working on the next chapter, glad you like it! :twilightsmile:
1505611
I'm currently trying to figure that out as well.. :rainbowhuh:


I haven't expected this much enthusiasm and enjoyment from this story, but I hope I can continue it with the next chapter.
Speaking of which, I need to get back to writing... :twilightoops:

1505669
Well, the mane six aren't the only ones. It is Spike, in a sense. Hope to rectify feelings towards that soon..
I don't want to neglect him, but still need to present problems to be overcome.

Stop spoiling. Make suggestions or something like that, but tell not everything in advance.

just read it and it's not as bad as I'd thought it would be. looks promising, so I got my eye on it.
doing a good job,:twilightsmile::eeyup:

1505665
Beat me to it :ajbemused:
Mine too.

Bronydragon:moustache:

1505739
Got it! :rainbowdetermined2:

I guess I am getting carried away talking about it, time to let the story take care of the rest!

Well... this is... odd... :twilightoops:

So in addition to greed, you are assuming anger makes Spike grow into Spikezilla form? That's a little too plot-convenient, really. And Spike professing his love in front of ponies he doesn't even know? That's also quite the opposite of his normal behavior.

I don't know what to think. There's too little yet to go on. Structurally, at least, it seems fairly sound. But there are questions that need answering at some point. I do hope you have an outline to ensure nothing important is missed.

I like this. As someone who is also writing their first ever fanfic, I say this: This is really good! There are the to be expected grammar mistakes, but overall this is good. I am looking forward to where you take this story. :moustache:

I'm enjoying this quite abit :D so upvote can't wait for more

1505829
Well, lets assume that it wasn't just anger? It could have been any mixture of emotions, and love makes you do some crazy things. Not saying this excuses it, but there is reasoning behind it.
Yes, I do have a sort of outline, but it is mainly just for the main points.
Some things will be revealed soon, so that may help some problems. But, can't please everyone :twilightsheepish:
1506054
Why, thank you. :twilightsmile: I appreciate that, and I look forward to how you do with your story. (It could be a little longer, though :twilightsheepish:)
1506100
Glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully you guys (and gals) won't be waiting too long for an update! :pinkiehappy:

The story has a very interesting premise towards it. While it is obvious that this pony is Spike, I hope Spike isn't "dead" (by that sense, I mean he's gone forever and his new form) and Obsidian takes his place to fill in his role. If the pony is Spike, I can see some love triangles possibly sprouting between Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack. I certainly hope if this pony is Spike, he gets together with Rarity and she in return let him know how much she regretted her decision in Canterlot.

I have three complaints though with this story.

1: There are certain parts of the story that seemed rushed, in particular the beginning of the story. It seems that the story kind of doesn't give enough time for scenes to be settled into. There could've been some scenes that are a little extended like with the slumber party and the other Mane 6 giving their thoughts and show how much they still care for Spike.

2: I do sense some potential love triangles as I said before. My problem though is that if Spike, AKA Obsidian, doesn't know who he is, he won't really get to face the ghosts of his past, especially from Rarity if he falls for one of the other Mane 6. An good idea may be to let "Obsidian" be around Rarity and have some visions of his past as Spike and try to come to terms with it and Rarity try to make it up to him.

3: As I said before, I hope Spike isn't "dead". I know this OC is Spike, but I hope Spike's new form doesn't ultimately mean the demise of the dragon we've come to know and love. In other words, Spike basically return to being a dragon by Rarity's request so she can let him know that she didn't care he was a dragon.

Aside from some grammar errors here and there, this story does have potential to be pretty nice. I'll keep an eye on it and see where this goes. Here's to hoping Rarity can make it up to Spike and Spike will return to being the dragon we know and love. :moustache::heart::raritywink:

1506217
Great to hear from someone whose story gave some inspiration to this! :pinkiegasp:
I am working on things feeling too rushed. I will be spending some time working on the beginning and a few other areas later. The first part wasn't exactly great, it kind of took off when I got past that, and wasn't sure about adding more to it.

Your other problems, I will let the story itself take care of those. :twilightsheepish:

Haven't read the story yet, but there's one thing that's bothering me: the period after your title. It's kinda out of place there... :fluttershyouch:

Spikey runs away?

1506363
What period? :twilightsheepish::twilightsheepish:

If you find anything else, please let me know! :twilightsmile:

1506314 Well hope to see an update soon. Ironically enough, I had a story with Spike as a pony, but it didn't get featured until my fifth chapter.

First of all, your avatar just SCREAMS 'Boop! Got your nose! :3' (It's very cute. XD)

Secondly, the story... Not bad, but not amazing... Yet. As others have said, you seem to be detail heavy in some areas, and then not in others, like you're trying to constantly remind yourself to add details. Not saying that's BAD, but having a pre-reader might help you go much further, as they could point out where needs more detail, where you're rambling about something unimportant, etc.

Thirdly...
1.bp.blogspot.com/-9HV88zCG42Y/T_tfrLZFdfI/AAAAAAAAvu4/4kSX24SAmFQ/s1600/showerlicious_by_kp_shadowsquirrel-d56p4cr.jpg

Nuff said. :moustache:
(Also, this isn't going to turn into a Harem story, is it? I mean, it SEEMS like a clear Sparity fic, but you never know...)

And another story that gets randomly featured...:ajsleepy: Know what, buck it. I quit. After I finish my current story that really I'm only doing for my friends, then I quit writing. Just, buck it.

its really good, not exactly my cup of tea though. I saw few errors and it was a bit expected to see what was happening. all in all for a first fic i give you a 8/10. its 8 because its far more decent then most stories i've read that were the authors firsts. you got their personalities well enough, and you did an excellent job of showing and not making the mistake of telling instead. good luck

1506186 Yeah....:twilightsheepish: The chapter length is something I am working on very hard to improve. Chapter 3 will be my longest chapter yet, so hopefully people will be happy with how it turns out.

1506393
That story was awesome, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Shame it wasn't featured until the fifth chapter, and I am unsure how this got featured an hour after I posted it... :rainbowderp:

1506394
Celly: Got yer nose!
Luna: What art thou doing, sister?
I am working on my "its too fluffy/its too rushed" battle in my head...
That pic: YES!
(no harem)

1506436
:pinkiesad2: Don't let that discourage you. If it makes you feel better, I don't know why I got featured, this shouldn't have been that good..

1506487
Thank you. I understand that not everyone will like it. If you want to give pointers, it would be appreciated. I really don't think I did good enough to deserve an 8, but thanks! :twilightsmile:

1506517
Cool! Do you got a guess on when it might be done? :duck:

1506529Though it has discouraged me. And I do know why you got featured. Or at least my best guess. Considering there was a story earlier that got featured with about 200 views, 10 comments, and 5 faves, I'd say whoever is running this site (Nighty) just took a bunch of stories, taped em to a wall, put on a blindfold, and started throwing darts.

Nighty: Okay, so this one, that one, and this one get featured. BRILLITANT!
:ajbemused:

1506529
well i'm giving you a rating compared to the fic's that get the feature box. As one author to another, i would say pick your choice in style early on while you can, you are a bit detail heavy in unnecessary points and then not enough detail (depending on feeling or point of interest) at certain marks. i would suggest doing a group of different fics based on different tags so you can get a grasp of exactly what type of stories you can write the easiest and what kind of stories you WANT to write. Maybe get an editor or at the very least a proofreader while you can, whether it be a relative, friend, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. Honestly, that's all i got.

anyway sorry its wordy and most of that is off topic of this story itself, i go off on tangents a lot.

1506549 Hopefully by Saturday. Hopefully being the key word here.... This is the very first time that I have attempted to write ANYTHING, let alone a fanfic for all the Internet to see. I have a couple of amazing people helping me improve my writing, and I am taking longer than I normally would with this chapter so it is as good as it possibly can be. BTW, Do not sell yourself short. For a first chapter, this is much better than most fanfics, mine included.

1506436 That is not a very good reason to quit writing. Just because someone elses story is more popular than your own does not mean that your story is not good. Besides, writing, at least for me, is not a popularity contest. Yes it feels good if people like what you write, but ultimately, at the end of the day, if you like what you have written, that is all that matters. Do not give up!

Harem! Harem! Harem! :pinkiehappy:

Also, Twilightlicious... LMFAO :rainbowlaugh: I remember that video...

Interesting fic. I look forward to seeing where you take it.

1506608Meh, I still have more chapters to write of my story. Not giving up yet. Still though, I thought writing was the only thing I could do to contribute to the fanbase (considering I have the drawing skills of a kindergardener, and I have no creativity to make music), but after reading all the fanfics on this site (not literally. Would take me at least another year) I can see that my stuff is complete crap compared to theirs. It just makes me feel depressed really.

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