Brotherly Crush

Mix-up

Mix-up #1 · February 2nd · 6 · 15 · Chapter 2 ·

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Fun read, always love incest with those two in it keep it up dude.

Poparakelis

Poparakelis #2 · February 2nd · 3 · 4 · Chapter 2 ·

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No

Mocha Star

Mocha Star #3 · February 2nd · 1 · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

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11814547
Yes?

Rescue Sunstreak

Rescue Sunstreak #4 · February 2nd · 4 · 2 · Chapter 2 ·

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11814547
I am in absolutely amazement at your articulate way to express yourself and your stance. Could there be anyone else in the universe with such a dizzying intellect?

Poparakelis

Poparakelis #5 · February 2nd · 1 · 6 · Chapter 2 ·

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11814579
No

Mocha Star

Mocha Star #6 · February 2nd · 4 · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

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11814620
Very eloquent and poignant argument.
You didn't read it, your opinion is useless without context.

Poparakelis

Poparakelis #7 · February 2nd · · 6 · Chapter 2 ·

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11814655
No

Jinxed

Jinxed #8 · February 3rd · 4 · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

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As an observation, it's fascinating that incest, foalcon, and homosexuality are all accepted on site, and all well received. There are endless Twilight & Shining fics that burst onto the front page and are very well received, there are endless foalcon fics with the CMC or some other underage characters that are well received, and there are so many homosexual fics between every single pairing imaginable under the sun that you could cover the moon twice over with them. Just like Celestia on top of Luna.
Now oddly, you put all those elements together into this fic and for some reason it's not well received. That is odd. It's not my thing, but I skimmed it and it doesn't look to be a grammatical eyesore as with so many other fics, nor is it some sexual-waste fic involving shit or piss in some manner.
So yeah, don't get the hate. Just an observation.

Jamin P Rose

Jamin P Rose #9 · February 3rd · 1 · 1 · Chapter 2 ·

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11814732

Most of those down votes are from haters who hate for hate's sake.

Nebbie

Nebbie #10 · February 4th · · · Chapter 2 ·

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This fic feels in a lot of ways like wasted potential. It has a great premise and a lot of good moments, but it just...doesn't hit the mark. It could probably have done with a bit of restructuring.

11814732
The grammar is fine, and on a technical level all the language is correct as far as I could tell, but the narration, especially at the start, is all over the place, and the characterization seems wholly incompatible with what's in the show, and basically makes Rumble out to be an angsty misogynist slut (having experience with snails is one thing, creeping on his brother is understandable at that age, but then...a bottle of shampoo in the pooper is another with how implausible it is, and what really takes the cake is Rumble wants boys because...girls are icky).
It's also poorly-placed and has an ending that basically goes "nah", throwing away the intense promise of the premise and early explicit wording in favor of just rational easy fixing of minor conflict (that really shouldn't be minor, Rumble just ruined Thunderlane's date by revealing something that should really creep Thunderlane out!)...it's like a spring keeps getting wound up the whole fic, and then at the end it just gets heated to relieve all that tension slowly.
Overall, I can definitely see why many may hate this fic. Reading it, in the third paragraph I was starting to get upset, and then soldiering on led to very sexy places right up against really sour-tasting places, until in the end it all just fizzled out at what was supposed to be the climax. It's like a porn fic, a steamy teasing romance fic, and a heart-to-heart wholesome sibling fic all got mangled together awkwardly and couldn't separate from each other, and mostly in that order, which is definitely close to the reverse of what would work well.

Also, this fic is uh...maybe pushing it for Teen, with the masturbation scene.

Mocha Star

Mocha Star #11 · February 4th · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

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11815588
Trust me, I know. I really had to push to get this out, but I'm going through a writer's block, of sorts. I'm not too happy with this and I wanted to make it a few chapters long, but I felt myself losing interest and had to rush it to completion before it joined the stack of unfinished I have. Thanks for the comment and I appreciate the honesty.
Also, 20 of those down votes came within the first 15 minutes of posting, I don't think people dislike the story as much as the premise and just downvote based on that.

Nebbie

Nebbie #12 · February 5th · · · Chapter 2 ·

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11816037
Certainly there must be some, as well noting the first comment has 15 downvotes when it's mostly about the pairing. I'd say probably 30 of the 58 downvotes I'd expect to be actually because of the story's issues.
To reiterate, I think your main problem is you basically reversed the three-act structure, having something climax-like, then rising action, then something setup-like. A version of the story that goes floozy date ruined by Rumble and some brother to brother talk (Thunderlane doesn't get it) -> filly issues and Thunderlane's naive intimacy -> Rumble masturbating (Thunderlane being told or figuring it out goes in here, would need a bit of a change, plus some spicing up) -> very short brother to brother talk (would need some changing) and has a bit of cleanup on some sentences would be great.

tailsopony

tailsopony #13 · February 15th · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

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Honestly I really liked this. It was dark, it was clever, and it was wholesome at the end. I adore the way you were showing how Rumble is actually no shit thinking like a dumb teenager in so many ways. I also really like Thunderlane in this story. Probably my only complaint about it being "over the top" is how weirdly okay Cherilee and the other adults are with the teenagers masturbating and being gross to each other, but I'mma chalk that up to cultural differences somewhere.

I'm sad to see this get such an absurdly poor ratio. It's a legit good story, even with its flaws.

Eldorado

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