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Thunderlane264 stories ·183 members
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Thunderlane had never thought he would meet a mare who would turn everything he knew on love and relationships upside down. He always figured that if he ever found a mare worth dating, she would be a close friend of his who he could talk to easily.
That was before a simple mix-up introduced him to Derpy.
Now on a date with the wall-eyed pegasus, he finds out that sometimes a pony needs another to sleep peacefully.
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First pass:
Quite nosily?
Try this:
That's much better.
Full on shipping this time? This should be good.
And you seem to be largely past the stage of needed your spelling and grammar corrected: that's impressive for one year. Time to start working on your style and sentences. If you haven't taken the advice in my blog; do it now: Bad Horse's blogs are a living master class of good writing, and some of the commenters are the sort of people I wish I could write like. (Although I'd be happy enough to write as well as you do.
) Also check out bookplayer, she's a master of shipping (though not overly good at giving advice.)
I'll try to give this another look later tonight, if I can.
That analogy just doesn't work for me, at all. Since it's right at the start, it didn't really damage immersion, but it did start me off on this story with a "Errr... What?"
Just "where" -- I'm not certain if you were aiming for something else and it just got muddled, but removing the "what" seems like the easiest fix.
Overall, good. It's charming, has a bit of foreshadowing (er... retroshadowing? Mysterious bad stuff has happened to Derpy and we'll find out more later), and just generally well written. I think you put a bit too much effort into flowering language, which made it take longer for me to get into the story, but either it was only in the opening or it just stopped bothering me once I got into it, because I stopped noticing it after the first little bit.
Looking forward to more!
Huh. DerpyLane. Haven't seen that in a while.
Never seen this ship before. I would like to see where this goes.
Interesting combo. I might have to check this out.
3787661 Seconding your recommendation of Bad Horse.
This is really good! Can't wait to read more.
I am soooo srry man but I have to disagree with your shipping of Derpy! I am a very strong believer of Derpy x Dr.Whooves! I will not accept that there are fics like this k? no one dislike me for my shipping!
but..... this was to hard to resist reading it.
3877233
So then go away.
Pretty interesting sounding ship
I'll give it a read
3877233
Oh man, that comment made my night. Thanks for bringing idiotic to a whole new level.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/218/320/99001%20-%20animated%20rarity%20spike.gif
-Lumino
Hrmmmm you have my attention.. Lets see how this plays out shall we?
A quick scan turned these up as examples. The dialogue one happens quite a bit, actually. I guess I'm surprised to find these types of errors from someone who's in a position to screen for them in others' stories.
Interesting. I look forward to seeing more of this.
Very charming...
Well...this should be quite the read
I just realized that I don't read enough stories about Derpy. This one is going on the favs.
-SS
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Huh, DerpyLane. That's a new one.
It's a very sweet, solid fic so far. Definitely wanna see where it goes.
Okay, color me interested.
3883377
Interested sounds like a lime greenish color
3883583 If you want it to be.
I like to imagine interest as a color that escapes any known existence on our color wheel.
To me interest is a color that seems more like it's always beginning, but eventually has an end, except sometimes the color of interest can pass an ending like a train and it never stops until death.
Then in death there'll stand but a grand memory of that interest.
3883779
I was thinking something similar actually
I thought of interested as a sort of color that is somewhat similar in feeling to a light green but a different color altogether that cannot be comprehended, sort of like how some would say imagination is like a rainbow color that is simpler but can become much more
So yes, sort of like lime green
Okay... So far I've got nothing. So I'll track it. We'll see where we go.
3881616 There's another one by Cranberry Muffin. He's been on Hiatus for a while though so if you read it understand that it may never update again :P
3883852 Interesting concept for a color and a word. Isn't it?
3885059
Quite.
100th like. Aw yeah, I'm awesome.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/205/d/4/rainbow_dash_being_radical_by_notacreativebrony-d58ggmh.png
Sooooo . . . how's the next chapter looking?
This was nice to read! Really a sweet and heartwarming story.
I'll be watching for the next chapter.
4311420
You would be surprised how close it is.
This is going to require a reread
You might want to add the "two weeks ago" transition at the last part, assuming that it is actually a part of the flashback.
I'm pretty sure you mean 'reverie', which means lost in thought.
4648402
seven months later...
Holy damn, if that's close I don't want to know what far is.
4912068
Ran into a plothole I had to scrap the whole chapter to fix.
And I'm sorry for the delay. It took a backseat once I scrapped the previous version.
EDIT: It was also not even two months since that question was asked....
4912152 hm- it seems I have gotten my months mixed up. Still- plenty of months since the original release date
4912152
Uh, try seventeen weeks (4311420). Your reply was seven weeks ago.
Who cares about the delay, the new chapter is here!
Loved it, as always. Hopefully more chapters won't take so long though
Good to see someone else listens to the Goo Goo Dolls . . . Nice story too . . .
I like this story, the way you've spun the characters, etc. I think you really need to do another story about Derpy and Thunderlane, set in this universe!
That was a cute little story. The Doctor Hooves explanation derailed the mood a bit, but it didn't flat out kill it for me. Thumbs up for a nice job.
Loved it!
That was a good story, had a overall feeling of low key bittersweet feels.
The...
I thought this was a joke.
Rest of the story was cute. I liked it. My like and favorite stay up, but WHY WOULD YOU HAVE DERPY SAY IT LIKE THAT
This was quite cute
Bittersweet, but still a lovely read nevertheless.
OH my gosh this was the cutest thing ever
Well done, Comet. Well done indeed.
What a cute story. It didn't overstay its welcome and you set up the relationship, and made it believable, in a decently short word count.
Good show, old boy.
Edit: moving this back from my Tier 2 faves into primary faves again. You earned it.
Cute.
i like this story. it was sweet. id like to see more of it in a squeal maybe
*whose report
Off to a good start.