After fighting her sister at Quiet Zero, Suletta Mercury found herself in a strange new world inhabited by sentient ponies. She must find a way back to her home so she can finally be with her friends and family. While at the same time looking for her Sister Ericht.
Meanwhile, Miorine Rembran is trying to fund a project that may bring her beloved back home. Or destroy the solar system as they know it.
Major spoilers for Gundam the Witch from Mercury. If you don't want to be spoiled then you can watch the whole series for free on YouTube. Subbed or Dubbed.
sex tag is there for mild references to sexual activities. Nothing explicit.
Spoilers in comments
Chapters (4)
I'd hardly call it a fight. Remember, Calibarn was not at all affected by Quiet Zero, and Suletta only had to get through the Gundnode's to get to Eri.
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It was a fight. What it was not was a battle.
It's really nice I would like to inform you that permit is basically magic also
Au? I clearly remember him being the leader of at least one of these.
Quiet Zero uses gundnodes.
1=nothing 2-5=red 6=blue 7=white 8=rainbow
Yeah it is.
Anyway thanks for the story.
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Thank you for the feedback, much appreciated really. Better start correcting those mistakes.
And yes Deling Rembran was the leader of the benerit group, it's just the weird way I worded it.
Edit: Fixed those mistakes
Thank you for this chapter.
Hopefully the second meteorite is the Aerial and not as heavily damaged as in the anime.
I don't think Filthy Rich is the tipe to use duels to decide his daughters marriage so will Applebloom be able to help her? (This is merely a question that doesn't require a answer from the author)
Mistakes:
Were
If you're doing a Applebloom pov she would not know what a V-fin is.
Head
11759207
A verbal fight then.
So Suletta is going to reveal herself during the SSC I hope that this results in Ocellus getting her job back.
Also has she shown this to Twilight jet?
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The princess is very busy all the time.
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Sorry but I forgot to ask
what does SSC mean?
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Summer Sun Celebration it's not a common abbreviation.
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Ah, thank you for explaining. Sorry for the late reply.
I think it is realy interesting it is not often that Blueblood gets to be a vilain I also like the Vidar cosplay. (I wonder where he got it.)
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I didn't plan on it being a vidar reference. I just thought six eye lenses would cool on a mask for a gundam villain
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Wait no Vidar only has four and it was someone else with white hair I'm getting my masked characters messed up!
Cool sign tho.
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It's okay, I understand.
There's a lot of char clones so it's easy to get mixed up.
Finally got through this. Here are my honest thoughts and notes.
The explanation for why Sulleta and Ericht end up in Equestria is alright, but the story is pretty rocky all throughout.
The beginning throws a lot G-Witch jargon and exposition as if it's all perfectly understood for those who haven't watched the show. Needless to say, that made it a slog to get through in spite of the relatively short chapter length. And as someone who has watched show, to me it seems like you're trying to shove as much things from G-Witch & gundam tropes you can without much tact or careful planning. Like Blueblood being a Char clone or Applebloom & Diamond Tiara as a parallel to Suletta & Miorine. It's all just stuck on there like throwing things at a wall and hoping stuff will stick. You also gloss over a lot of details, such as the pain from the data storms, or why Ocellus ends up as a researcher/investigator. Even though you say it's been two months, the effects of the pain haven't been conveyed enough for it to have impact. And Ocellus knowing and spouting gundam jargon out of the blue with a straight face is unconvincing and forced. Why does she have this job, and why does the mystery of Aerial grab her attention so much? These were never explained, which make it hard to care about Ocellus's part of the story. A lot of other things are like that too; such as Starlight firing Ocellus like some run-of-the-mill employee, Silver Spoon being Diamond Tiara's maid, Diamond not being their friends contrary to the events of 'Crusaders of the Lost Mark' and Blueblood having a child. He hardly had much of an appearance in the actual show himself, but doing some quick math, if Diamond is 16 in this story and assuming the foal characters were 8-10 in the show, that would make his son less than 10. Just because the AU tag is an option doesn't mean you can deviate from the canon without explaining why the differences exist.
Also, you seem fixated on shipping female characters. Personally, I prefer traditional hetero romances, but even still, you're just really rushing it way too fast here. Applebloom and Diamond are suddenly into mares like a lightswitch, which is convenient for a Suletta-Miorine counterpart, and Ocellus and Smolder are together out of the blue. As a great example, Rekindled Embers really develops out a fleshed out romance between the OC knightess main character and Rarity. And for a recent example from Gundam IBO, the plot thread of Yamagi coming to love Shino is very well written even though it is just C plot, and so is the relationship between Kudelia and Atra in the end.
You also use some tropes straight from the mold so to speak; like 'bigoted conservative rich parents,' 'runaway princess,' and 'scheming evil noble.' Which isn't damning by themselves, but your execution of those tropes is thread bare and very uncomplicated. You're still at chapter 4 and the supposed villain already revealed his plan, which is way too fast. And even if it is a red herring, it is too ham-fisted and upfront to believe.
Most of all, the biggest issue I can point out is that your writing has no sense of gravitas, flow, or intrigue. You're just writing things plainly as if it's right in front without much excitement or intricacy. Here's an example;
The line i italicized in the chapter 4 snippet, it feels like you're tacking words directly onto the character or just loudly saying what they are doing/feeling. There isn't much all in the way of nuance or flourish or intimacy or impact. Since you're the author, you can directly imagine how things are in your head, but readers with standards need carefully crafted words to get the same image. This issue is most prominent in chapter 1 when you are trying to describe the battle at Quiet Zero and also in chapter 3 when the Aerial defended the griffon from those 3 dragons. Your grasp of the choreography of battle is flimsy at best, and you have no depth at grounding the space or the actors (combatants & spectators) present. Describe the machines, say how their energy weapons or thruster bells light up and roar. Describe the damage, or the crash of things colliding. Use words to show how dragons flap their mighty wings, or their throats expand when they breath fire. You need to compose descriptions that are expressive and succinct at the same time and encompass the scene you want readers to see. You'll need to work on your writing style more, and elevate it past the 'everyday' level that you're capable of now.
Overall, the story and writing used to convey it is pretty rushed and cobbled together. Everything is surface level and unconvincing, such as Blueblood using the arranged marriage or Ocellus being an investigator but her superior is a school principal. Not to mention, there are still some errors with punctuation, and capitalization here and there (which is also present in the snippet, and Permet is spelled with an 'e.')
In anycase, if you're fine with what you've written so far, don't let me stop you. This is all honest constructive criticism, but it's only as useful as much as you can reflect and act on it.
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Honestly I knew something was off with my writing style. I guess it's my fault trying to rush things out on a weekly basis, which I know will burn me out sooner or later. I should plan things out more instead of adding ideas that I like to a wall. Well it gives me an excuse to try and flesh out the next chapter a lot more.
Also thank you for the feedback, I've been wanting feedback on this for a while now. So I'll do my best to re-write a couple of chapters, mainly chapter 3 and 4 before I continue with chapter 5
Edit: I just had a realisation while trying to rewrite chapter 3. I can't write action to save my life.
pbs.twimg.com/media/GAJf09dXsAA5-tW?format=jpg&name=small
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Glad you're taking my feedback well.
Another thing I forgot, the environment is another tool/aspect you can use. Did a tree, or building break? Something in the environment might get in the way.
Also, I forgot tenses. You had some inconsistent tense back there. Consistent word tenses help make the flow of reading easier.
And I really should have done this myself earlier, but a good way to practice writing action scenes is to try writing down scenes from shows and cartoons. MLP doesn't have many good fights and most of it is watered down in terms for violence and action because of its age rating and audience. Is there a show you like that has good fight scenes? A cartoon or anime will work. Just look at the screen and write down what you see, but not just plainly.
In addition to keeping a bead on the space and actors, and the pointers I laid out, keep in mind the exact words you use too. Since English is really a frankenstein language bundled in a trenchcoat, a lot of everyday words we take for granted come from old germanic, old french, or anglo-saxon origins. You don't have to know which is which, but getting a feel for the best word or phrase to use helps a long way. 'Establish' is one such example, coming from a french origin. And while pig/pork, beef/cow, and mutton/sheep mean the same thing, the words were used by different classes in a time when french was the language of aristocracy. So knowing when to use a set of words VS another can set the tone. All of these go doubly for all the different verbs out there.
Not to toot my own horn, I'm actually working on a long project with a particularly lengthy fight scene about 5k or so between RD and Rarity. I think it would help you if you had a read through. Let me know if you want a gander.
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It's fine I appreciate the honest feedback.
I tell you what, I'll leave the rewriting for now and practice adding more depth, that way I'll feel more confident with my writing.
Which one is that? I might give it a read
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It's actually a bit further from the start of my new story which has only 1 chapter yet. I'm working on getting ahead before I update with the next chapter. Here's a gdoc with excerpt of the fight.
Just a heads up, it's fairly wordy. I wanted to be extensive in the descriptions and really hammer the scene in. The standard I set for myself is kinda crazy, if I do say so myself.
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Jesus Christ that was a good fight. I hope that I can write action like that, where did you learn to write action like that?
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I was actually surprised that fight turned out so good when I finished it. I knew I wanted RD & Rarity to fight, and that was the bare outline of it--didn't have the tiny details planned to be there from the start. When I was writing about the bread-&-butter sparing-esque part, I thought about Rarity's magic and the environment, came up with the heavy rain trap for RD. Keeping in mind that I wanted Rarity to win, it just ended up there after thinking about the fight itself a lot. So, I'm pleased you found the fight great, even though my writing hasn't been tested all that much, and is still somewhat experimental.
I basically learned to write action on the go, but that's a long time coming, and it's hardly as intuitive as just sitting there and hoping for something to come to the page. Although this doesn't necessarily only apply to action.
Anywho, that story has been in my mind for a decade now--nothing too specific, and more the vague concept of writing something long format tied by a dozen or so compelling ideas I wanted to read in A story.
A bit of background; the current iteration, Daze, is probably the 5th or 6th draft of it, but it's the 3rd version I've published here in FiMfic, and the farthest so far in word count. The 1st version was pretty all over the place across the board, so I skipped that and focused more on rereading and reflecting on the 2nd one instead, since it was more coherent in its writing structure, though the planning was not much better and was still pretty shaky (my planning process is fairly haphazard even now.)
A lot of the inspiration and passion for writing come from cream of the crop stories from the early days, like Past Sins, Anthropology and Through the Well of Pirene. Though I still look for more inspiration by reading through sprawling fantasies, thrillers, dramas, adventures like Empty Horizons, Second Chances Many Changes, Rekindled Embers, Message in a Bottle, and Changeling of the Guard. One thing all those titles have in common is a knack of sucking readers in with immersive stories and characters facilitated by well-phrased on-point descriptions and great utilization of vocab across a compelling and well-planned series of events. Some of those titles do better than others in some aspects, but I believe they all reach a certain standard of quality. So, reading and observing all those really helped me course correct my own writing style, and thought process, and improved my language comprehension.
Then by the time I started writing Daze, I developed those pointers I mentioned to you earlier while also keeping notes of what I wanted to write in, the direction, and filling in new events and notes for future chapters when they come. I lined up the characters, picked the setting, put them in their places, wrote about their motives, actions, surroundings, how the surroundings changed around them--lots of intricate and roundabout but thorough and painstaking attention to detail, and sometimes jumping from chapter to chapter for revisions and addendums. Also lots of playing between active and passive voice in writing and self editing. If I had a dedicated editor, I'd probably be close to 500k now, but so far, I'm only at a fourth of that.
All that said, I first applied those lesson to writing nuance of characters and environments, etc., in a non-action setting, because the story starts at peace time. Then when the fight between RD and Rarity came up, I applied what I learned to an action setting. Granted, it's still a 'generic' sorta fight that's more like a brawl. But if I'd ever have to think about different action settings, like a chase sequence, magic duel, or army warfare, that just means I have to apply what I learned with 'peace time' writing by thinking about the scene, the direction, and the things I want to put in; characters, environment, props, motives, ambience, action, choreography, flow of events. Also doing necessary research, that's important too. Hell, at some point I wanna to write in Celestia piloting a Dynames RIII and become--you could say, a 'Celestial Being' hahaha
It might be much to take in, but it's rather hard to convey experience 100% through words. In summary, it's taking all the things and aspects of your scene, thinking about the parts of it you want to move forward the most as well as some related details and nuances (possible foreshadow for future events), and using good descriptions to anchor them to page and convey them to readers.
If it seems rather chaotic, it pretty much is. But starting and pushing through by wanting it to make sense of it helps to turn it out good in the end.
I never thought I would see a Gundam witch from mercury and my little pony crossover. Good chap too, def seeing Applebloom x Diamond Tiara in the air alright