August 31 – 3:19 PM
The Society for the Prevention of Human Exploitation in the Realm of Equestria normally met on the first Saturday of each month, but the club’s charter gave its president the right to call emergency meetings whenever she deemed it necessary. Before today, Bon-Bon had never had to invoke her executive powers, mostly because she usually spent time with SPHERE’s chairpony (and only other member) every day. Fortunately, the candymaker found Lyra Heartstrings already at the club’s meetingplace, though this wasn’t particularly surprising, as the meetings were normally held at Lyra’s apartment. As this was an emergency meeting, the normal formalities could be dispensed with, and Bon-Bon had started right in with the grave news: the humans were coming.
Lyra’s response, however, had been less than encouraging. Bon-Bon had expected that her friend’s unfortunate delusions about the innate goodness of humans would result in a protracted argument, but she hadn’t predicted that it would first elicit several minutes of high-pitched fillyish squees. “They’re here! They’re here! They’re finally here!”
“Yes,” Bon-Bon replied, in her most reasonable tone of voice, “and if you’ll calm down for a second, we can hide in my bunker until they leave.”
This, apparently, was enough to wrench the chairpony’s attention away from the pure, unadulterated wonderfulness of humanity. “Your bunker? Why would I want to go there?”
“I don’t know—maybe you’ll want to escape from the inevitable mayhem and devastation that those overambitious chimpanzees are going to wreak throughout Equestria? I mean, come on, this fog business is irrefutable proof that I was right about those monsters. Why would they use it unless they had something to hide?”
“Like what?”
“Like an arsenal of tactical weaponry. The fog will give them perfect cover to set up their weapons of mass destruction.”
“Or,” Lyra countered, “maybe they’re just shy.”
Bon-Bon, however, found this explanation less than satisfying. “Shy? If they were shy, why would they even come out of hiding?”
“Uh, well, maybe they’re getting lonely.”
“Okay, that sounds even worse than my theories.”
“I didn’t mean that kind of lonely!” Lyra retorted, her cheeks glowing red as the innuendo sunk in.
“Maybe you should have. After all, if they’re willing to do it metaphorically, why not literally?”
The unicorn was getting tired of hearing her beloved humans being so maliciously slandered. “Well, if you treat them like that, of course they’ll be hostile.”
“Oh, really? So what do you suggest, organizing a picnic?”
“Hey! That’s a great idea! I’m glad you’re finally starting to see things my way.”
“I was being sarcastic.”
Lyra, however, didn’t seem to be listening to her friend anymore. “Let’s see... we’re going to need a lot of food, obviously. If they’ve been traveling for a while they might be really hungry. Oh, and we’ll need picnic blankets and plates and cups for drinks... do you think they should be bigger, since humans are bigger than we are?”
“Why in Celestia’s name would they want to have a picnic when they could just take all our food?”
“Oh, that’s right... they might be too scared to take food from ponies they’ve just met. I should have t-shirts made to let them know we’re friendly. Hmm... does Silkscreen give a discount for bulk rates?”
“Great idea, Lyra. That’ll make it really easy for them to identify the gullible saps that they can use as slaves and/or hostages. Reality check—these things have deployed a fog so dangerous that the Department of Weather had to bring in a specialist. Now is not the time to talk about t-shirts; now is the time for magically reinforced suits of armor.”
“There’s no reason to assume that they mean to hurt anypony. Not on purpose, at least. Besides, think of all the wisdom they can share with us.”
“I’d much rather think of ways to avoid being killed by their pocket cannons.”
The musician sniffed indignantly. “Now you’re just being cynical. Perhaps you should listen to Twilight Sparkle the next time she talks about the ‘magic of friendship.’”
Bon-Bon groaned. “Lyra, even if the humans are friendly, which they won’t be, the fog is almost at Ponyville already. There’s no way to make all those preparations you’re talking about in time, unless you seriously think that several dozen new members are going to spontaneously appear in the next few hours.”
Lyra was about to respond, but there was a sudden knock at her door. The unicorn opened it to see Pinkie Pie fidgeting with more hyperactivity than usual. “Hi! Is this the meeting place for SPHERE?”
“Um... yes...”
“Oh, good! Say, would you guys be interested in getting several dozen new members in the next few hours?”
August 31 – 3:31 PM
The woods were lovely, dark and deep, but she had promises to keep, and running away would be indiscreet. After all, Mayor Mare was walking right beside Fluttershy and could witness everything she did, which meant that any attempt to weasel out of the situation might result in an accusation of neglecting her duties, and that would lead to even bigger problems. Thus, she had little choice but to continue on to the home of Douglas Fir, the proprietor of the most convenient firewood business in the Ponyville area. The pegasus supposed that she could be thankful that she had something else to occupy her mind while she made the journey, but as that something else was a stream of helpful tips on the art of persuasion from the Mayor, its value was somewhat dubious.
“Now remember, it’s important that you speak clearly and deliberately. Not only is it a hallmark of good communication, it emphasizes your status as an authority figure. That said, you must keep in mind that ‘clearly and deliberately’ does not mean the same thing as ‘loudly and slowly.’ That is generally interpreted as condescension, and will more than likely produce hostility. Are you with me so far?”
“Um, I think so, Miss Mayor.” Fluttershy knew that that the older mare was only trying to encourage her, but her helpful hints were having the opposite effect. Playing the role of an authority figure had been bad enough before, but now she had to do so while under the scrutiny of an actual authority figure who was not only qualified for her position, but had earned it in a free and fair election. If Fluttershy messed up here... well, it actually wouldn’t be all that suspicious, given her reputation for wilting nervousness, but it certainly wouldn’t help.
The Mayor seemed to notice her companion’s anxiety. “Ears up, dear.”
“Excuse me?”
“Your ears are flattened. It makes you look worried.”
“But I am worried.”
“All the more reason to keep your ears up and pointing forward. Ponies subconsciously associate that with confidence. It’s a very simple technique—most politicians use it from time to time. No matter what your facial expression is, if your ears are up, you’ll come off as being self-assured.”
“Even if I’m feeling so worried that my stomach’s in knots?”
“Not ‘worried,’ Fluttershy. When your ears are up, your worry is transformed into a grave concern. Here, I’ll show you.” Mayor Mare’s usual sanguine expression melted away, replaced by a look of pure anxiety: squinting eyes, tightly shut mouth, wrinkled brow, and flattened ears. “Now, observe the change when I shift my ear position.” The Mayor raised her ears, and though she still looked seriously concerned, she no longer appeared to be panicking. Instead, it was as though she was silently formulating a plan to deal with the hypothetical situation.
The pegasus was amazed. “Wow... is it really that easy?”
“Well, if you do it all the time, it starts to look fake, but if you reserve it for when it’s needed the most, it does wonders. Really, I’m surprised you didn’t know this already; I’ve heard that models use similar techniques.”
Fluttershy wasn’t certain how to respond to this, mostly because she didn’t really like to talk about her brief stint in the fashion industry. Fortunately, the conversation was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a log cabin, which had apparently jumped out from behind a grove of trees when neither mare had been looking. A roughly carved wooden sign by the door read “Fir’s Firewood.”
“Um, I guess this is the place,” Fluttershy said, stating the obvious in an attempt to fill the silence.
“Well, don’t just stand there,” Mayor Mare said. “Mr. Fir doesn’t know we’re here, so you’ll have to knock.”
The fog specialist haltingly complied and rapped one of her forehooves on the door several times.
“Now, remember what I said. Clear and deliberate, ears up, and don’t fidget with your cravat.”
“But... you never said anything about that.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t fidget with your cravat. You’ll look like a filly playing dress-up instead of an adult.”
The conversation ended here; it would not do for the cabin’s occupant to see two mares making small talk when he opened his door. However, as seconds went by with no apparent change, Fluttershy somehow managed to feel even more agitated than before. She was about to wonder aloud whether Mr. Fir was home, when the door opened, revealing a gaunt, greyish-brown donkey with placidly neutral expression on his face. “Can I help you?”
Fluttershy raised her ears, looked the donkey in the eye, and, as authoritatively as she could, said, “EEEeeeeeeeeeeee.....” She followed this up by confidently collapsing onto the ground, leaving the politician and the firewood salesdonkey looking very confused indeed.
August 31 – 3:38 PM
It took a while before Pinkie got around to making her proposal, mostly because Bon-Bon was reluctant to accept “comic timing” as an answer for how Pinkie had managed to “do that.” Even then, the members of SPHERE didn’t seem ready to jump at the opportunity to increase their ranks.
“You really expect us to do this to help you get around some bureaucratic hurdle?” Bon-Bon asks.
“Aw, c’mon, it’s for the good of Ponyville.”
“It’s not that we don’t want to help out, Pinkie Pie,” Lyra said. “It’s just that, well, we’d prefer it if ponies joined us because they actually cared about our cause.”
“Huh? Oh, right. Human exposition.”
“Exploitation,” Bon-Bon corrected. “Our goal is to make sure that those monsters don’t despoil our country—”
“—assuming that they’re hostile,” Lyra interrupted with a glare. “In the infinitely more likely chance that they’re gentle, peaceful beings who aren’t aggressive unless they’re provoked, we intend to keep unscrupulous ponies from exploiting the docility of these majestic creatures.”
“But why wouldn’t other ponies care about that?” Pinkie Pie asked.
Lyra sighed. “This may come a surprise to you, but we’re perfectly aware that a lot of ponies think we’re completely off our rockers, just because we believe old stories happen to be true even though we don’t have a shred of hard evidence.”
“Wow... that is pretty silly.”
“Gee, thanks for rubbing it in,” Bon-Bon replied.
“Huh? Oh, no, I mean it’s silly to think that you two are weird for believing it. After all, Twilight Sparkle didn’t have much of a reason to believe that the Nightmare Moon story was true, but look where it got her.”
“Pinkie, the overwhelming majority of ponies are nothing like Twilight Sparkle, who, by the way, also thinks that we’re nutcases.” The candymaker snorted. “I’d rather not be made into an even bigger laughingstock once these ponies leave as soon as your project is finished.”
“Well, what if they Pinkie promised to stick around and actually listen to what you have to say?”
“You really think that’s going to work?” Bon-Bon asked, clearly skeptical.
“Of course! After all, I listened to you and I’m ready to join.”
“Really?” Lyra asked. “You believe that humans exist?”
“Um, not really,” Pinkie Pie responded, “but if they did exist, I wouldn’t want them to be exploited, and I wouldn’t want them to exploit Equestria either, so that must mean that I’m against human exploitation, right?”
Lyra glanced over at the club’s president. “Er, that is a lot better than what we usually get...”
Bon-Bon bit her lip and thought about this for a few seconds. “Would you be willing to help us search for evidence?”
“Sure! Where was the last place you saw it?”
Neither member of SPHERE seemed to comprehend this question. “What are you talking about?” Lyra finally asked.
“The evidence. Where was the last place you saw it? When I lose things, that’s usually a good place to start looking.”
“Uh, no, Pinkie,” Bon-Bon replied. “We didn’t lose the evidence; our problem is that we’ve never had it.”
“Oh... so it’s like one of those mystery things, right? Sure, I’ll help, assuming Twilight lets me have my detective hat back.”
“Then I don’t see why you can’t join,” Bon-Bon said, “unless the chairpony has any objections.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Hooray! We should have a party... um, after the fog’s gone, that is. We’re kind of on a tight schedule, and you’ve got a lot more new members to take in.”
“I still don’t see why you need so many ponies for this,” Lyra said. “Isn’t the weather team enough?”
“Not really. If the weather team had to haul all that wood over the Unicorn range, they’d be too tired to make the bonfires.”
“Bonfires? What bonfires?”
“Oh, that’s how we’re dealing with the fog. We’re going to make a bunch of bonfires to dry it out so it clears up, or something like that.”
“Clears up?” Lyra asked rhetorically. “But once the fog clears, then... then we can see the humans!” Her eyes brightened.
“Yeah!” Bon-Bon said with equal glee in her voice. “And then, when they’re out in the open, we can use the embers to burn them until they go away!”
“Or we can keep them warm during the picnic,” Lyra countered with a glare.
“How would setting the humans on fire not result in them staying warm?”
“Bon-Bon, if they’re as dangerous as you say they are, why provoke them?”
“It’s a preemptive strike!”
As the two ponies resumed their usual bickering, Pinkie Pie decided that now might be a good time to see how else she could help. “Um, okay, girls. Meet me near the forest north of town in about an hour, okay?”
“Sure thing, Pinkie Pie,” Lyra said before immediately returning her focus to a more pressing conversation. “Oh, yeah? Well, what happens if they’ve decided not to attack us unless they think we’re going to attack them?”
“All the more reason to attack first!”
Pinkie Pie gawked at this squabbling for a minute or two before slowly backing out of the door and quietly shutting it behind her.
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Good dynamic between Bonbon and Lyra
Also, the scene with Fluttershy-- Ah, I just about died, and I'm pretty sure I have diabetes now. 
Good chapter!
When you're too weird for Pinkie, you know you have problems...
Horray, updates. Thank you
Only have one thing to say, and it's not really a word.
!
Aww, she's just so cute
I'm loving Bon Bon. It's not often that she's just as
crazyenthusiastic paranoid about humans as Lyra is.Seriously though, humans? that's absurd.Huh....thought this chapter would get a lot more coments. But this was very well done, for once Pinkie Pie was serious and I loved it, very well done, ah Lyra, such a card, laughed my ass off when Flutter's fainted, it's just like her, can't wait for more
Am I the only one that thinks it funny that it's Bon-Bon and not Lyra that is overly obsessed with humans?
2163106 Agreed. It's a hilarious, original take on the character. Well done!
And remember, no one respects a cravat-fiddler.
Humans... Humans, What are these mythlogical Creatures you speak of. I've done much study on fantasy creatures and I have yet to find any reference to these humans except of creatures that are half human like Minataours and Lamia. Tell me what is a human?
New chapter. Woo Hoo!
Wow, Bon-Bon. Seriously? Humans aren't smart enough to organize such an attack, and, if they were, they'd be smart enough to know how much of a bad idea it would be.
Seriously, ponies kick flank.
2163471
>Pre-electronic, mostly pacifistic civilization whose sole advantage is literally "Magic" vs. a modern first world military
Yeah this isn't some Conversion Bureau bullshit.
Great chapter, loved the Flutter-Faint.
And SHPERE is finding a lot more attention then i thought... I LIKE IT!
Can't wait for more
2163471
... Yeah sorry I will always be on the side of the humans. Though honestly, do to natural programming there is almost no chance of us ever attacking ponies, unless said human is already an evil bastard to begin with.
Ponies look, sound, and act like children. Humans as a whole still instinctively go out of there way to protect children.
the crusader's traps are gonna be a problem
loving the Lyra/Bon Bon dialogue
"we must kill them first!"
"But what if they're friendly?"
This. This is the greatest thing that Bon Bon has ever said in any universe.
2163471
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2863-1329057980984.png
2163471 Technically you are correct: humans aren't smart enough to organize such an attack because we are smart enough too realize that using a giant fogbank as a means to hide our attack force is a stupid idea, not to mention totally unnecessary.
A sudden series of air strikes, special forces raids, and vertical envelopments by paratroopers against critical targets followed by a ground assault with combined-arms mechanized armies would be much quicker, efficient, and more likely to succeed. Under most circumstances, the first Bon-Bon would find out about such an attack would be when a tank column from the advance spearheads rolled down Ponyville's main street.
She might be a bit surprised by our occupation policies though... the last half-century has seen the major powers kind of mellow out when it comes to dealing with non-hostile occuppied populaces. Now hostile occuppied populaces on the other hand...
If you give a man a fire he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll never be cold for the rest of his life.
I loved bon-bon in this one
This is the best take on Lyra-is-human-crazy ever. Headcanon accepted!
2163177
I'm pretty sure they're equally obsessed, just in opposite directions.
That said...
Why do I imagine a bunch of readers nodding along with Bon-Bon's logic there?
I'll join the crowd in congratulating you on a novel and hilarious take on Lyra and Bon-Bon. I love it.
Quickly! Revive the specialist! She is your only hope.
2163705
In the immortal words of Terry Pratchett:
This was the best thing EVER.
2163680
Celestia only has to send over the CMC with some tasty milkshakes to drink on national TV and all the humans would collapse from Dawwww overload. And if there's any that the cutenuke missed, or they're just too much of a meaniepants, Fluttershy can give 'em The Stare.
Ponies would have humans eating out of their hooves in no time.
That thing with the ears, yeah, I'm going to remember that. It's good and I like it. Well done with that.
Pretty sure that's an extraneous comma. Other than that, carry on with your cute, funny story!
SPOILER ALERT!!!
The woods were lovely, dark and deep, but she had promises to keep, and running away would be indiscreet.
-Awesome.
Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Edit: Crap! Others have said it.
2163680
Are you talking about MLP ponies or our mundane tiny-horse ponies being like children?
Though yeah, given that our mundane ponies are considered pet animals and unicorns and pegasai are mythological beings, we would be protective of Equestria ponies.
Those ears are silly expressive Mayor!
2163296
Since no one took up the bait, your answer:
A miserable pile of secrets. But enough of that, have at you!
The interactions between Lyra and Bon-Bon are great.
we're gonna turn them into cheap minced meat...
SPOILER ALERT!!!
If Fluttershy messed up here... well, it actually wouldn’t be all that suspicious, given her reputation for wilting nervousness, but it certainly wouldn’t help.
-Point
When your ears are up, your worry is transformed into a grave concern.
-Interesting point.
Really, I’m surprised you didn’t know this already; I’ve heard that models use similar techniques.
-MM didn't really pay much attention to her pictures did she?
However, as seconds went by with no apparent change, Fluttershy somehow managed to feel even more agitated than before.
-Asleep? Out shopping? I wonder what the proceedures for emergency requisitions would be in that second case?
She was about to wonder aloud whether Mr. Fir was home, when the door opened, revealing a gaunt, greyish-brown donkey with placidly neutral expression on his face.
-Ah, just a little slow then.
Fluttershy raised her ears, looked the donkey in the eye, and, as authoritatively as she could, said, “EEEeeeeeeeeeeee.....”
-Nice blending.
She followed this up by confidently collapsing onto the ground,
-Good writing. Poor dear.
It took a while before Pinkie got around to making her proposal, mostly because Bon-Bon was reluctant to accept “comic timing” as an answer for how Pinkie had managed to “do that.”
-Bon-Bon is the one with the shelter, right?
Even then, the members of SPHERE didn’t seem ready to jump at the opportunity to increase their ranks.
-Odd... although I guess it is a pretty transparent pretext. I'm sure that Pinkie will talk them into it though.
“This may come a surprise to you, but we’re perfectly aware that a lot of ponies think we’re completely off our rockers, just because we believe old stories happen to be true even though we don’t have a shred of hard evidence.”
“Wow... that is pretty silly.”
-Yeah, Pinkie would know about that...
Twilight Sparkle didn’t have much of a reason to believe that the Nightmare Moon story was true, but look where it got her.
-You know, I almost mentioned that, but then I thought that sounded unlikely.
Twilight Sparkle, who, by the way, also thinks that we’re nutcases.
-Point, but then again, Twilight KNOWS that Pinkie is a nutcase half the time, and still hangs out with her.
“Well, what if they Pinkie promised to stick around and actually listen to what you have to say?”
-Desperate times call for desperate measures... then again, if the CMC can bond in mutual idiocy, I don't see any reason why unilateral idiocy should be an untenable basis for friendship.
“Um, not really,” Pinkie Pie responded, “but if they did exist, I wouldn’t want them to be exploited, and I wouldn’t want them to exploit Equestria either, so that must mean that I’m against human exploitation, right?”
-I can't decide if this is a good way of using logic to solve social problems, or Pinkie-Logic that only makes sense to her. I suppose it will probably work, which makes it the first.
“Er, that is a lot better than what we usually get...”
-Yep, take what you can get.
“Would you be willing to help us search for evidence?”
I wonder if that is "you" singular, or "you" plural. I also wonder if the CMCs trap will be mistaken for Human construction, given how outlandish it will be?
“Sure! Where was the last place you saw it?”
-
Sure, I’ll help, assuming Twilight lets me have my detective hat back.
-*Chuckle*
We should have a party... um, after the fog’s gone, that is. We’re kind of on a tight schedule, and you’ve got a lot more new members to take in.
-Indeed. I suspect that this is very much within Pinkie's limits. I mean she was perfectly OK with the first few rejections in "Party of One".
“But once the fog clears, then... then we can see the humans!”
-Yep, I think I thought that might be motivational. I wonder how disillusioned they will be when they don't find any? Probably not much, if they are like RL conspiracy theorists.
-((Turns out I didn't have anything to say after this point.))
Am I the only one who half expected Lyra and Bon Bon to suddenly start kissing in an angry make-out session?
I have had that sort of talk with friends of mine about things like that we go nowhere fast( I end up a bit dizzy and with a headache by the end
)
Wow Lyra and Bon-bon. You've managed to out-weird Pinkie Pie.
Wow, that was... sorta terrible, actually. Like, in a good way, though. Like a pun!
Excellent use of assonance. (A type of alliteration, for those who don't know. Wow, I'm such a nerd.
)
2163705 2164171 2162952 Agreed
2163106
I know, right? That's crazy; humans don't exist.
2281625
hey, the only reason that they are judging us as a whole is because generally ponies dont really deviate from the norm by polar opposites of behavior.
silly ponies, assuming we wouldn't just light their town on fire first, then hold the survivors hostage/experiment on them until we gain the physics breaking power of magic.
I love reading about our species as if we're being featured in National Geographic!
It makes us seem so much more relatable. 
4090191
Especially if you read those sections as if they were spoken by Morgan Freeman.
.
Being as with the occurrence of us bronies also causing a group of anti-bronies to form, humans who would love and do nothing to hurt them ever and humans who want nothing more then to hurt them just to watch us hurt is quite something that would be interesting to look at. lol. And also...
Probably the funniest and cutest thing I have ever heard of Flutters doing!
2163068 Fluttershy fainting goat is best fainting goat!
2164982 Because I did so without consciously realizing it?
Oh. My. Word...
Pinkie Pie gawked at this squabbling for a minute or two before slowly backing out of the door and quietly shutting it behind her.
Somepony out-Pinkied Pinkie!
Oh, fiddlesticks... Ferret beat me to it.
Eh, it was worth saying twice.
> The woods were lovely, dark and deep, but she had promises to keep
My favourite poem of all time. Thanks for making me smile!
Ah the Tao of Pratchett.
"Give a man a fire, and you warm him for an evening. Set a man on fire, and you warm him for the rest of his life."
RIP Sir Pterry
Cap. [Pinkie Promise is the proper name for the ritualized set of actions that make up a Pinkie Promise.]
_____________________
Mayor Mare gives some rather sage advice in this chapter. And I'd join SPHERE, although I'd have the two compromise by throwing sticks with roasted marshmallows at the humans. Still Bon-Bon's logic is impeccable in this chapter.
It's so weird to see Pinkie being weirded out by somepony else.