Totally Not a Trollfic
Dead ponies lay about. The blood seeped into the ground, staining it like cherry kool-aid stains white cloth. How did this happen? Why am I writing this? Who am I? What’s the meaning of life? Do these pants make my nose look fat? All of this and more will be found out when one reads further into the story.
I guess you may want to know who I am. I’m Poisonblade Deathwish, a friendly alicorn with a terrible past, one filled with death, lost love, and death. Also, did I mention I have an awesome spiked up mane, which is red and black, a totally cool spiked out tail, which is red and black, and I have awesome stripes all along my black coat, which are red. I’m the son of Celestia and Discord, who was frozen in time by Nightmare Moon right before she was banished to serve as a backup guard and lover for when she returned. When I was awoken by Princess Celestia, I was disappointed to find out that Luna had left me behind.
“I’m sorry, Poisonblade. But my sister has moved on.” I cried tears of blood, because I’m cool that way. I stretched out my totally badass wings, and flew away to Ponyville, to start my new life.
Upon landing, I noticed right away that something was wrong. Twilight Sparkle was crying. “Why are you crying, Twilight Sparkle?” Twilight wiped a tear from her eye.
“Oh, Poisonblade Deathwish, I’m sad because I recently broke up with Rainbow Dash, who left me for Rarity. Now I am sad because I have no pony to love me!”
I smiled devilishly. “Well, you’re in luck. I too have been recently heartbroken. We should totally make out.” And we did and it was hot.
After I had sex with her, I flew around the town to get revenge on Rainbow Dash for breaking Twilight’s heart, when I heard the Cutie Mark Crusaders cry out for help. I swooped down and saw that they were being attacked by giant pumpkins. Good thing I knew Jujitsu.
I beat the crap out of the pumpkins, then made out with Scootaloo. And it was hot.
“So girls, what happened here?”
Sweetie Belle spoke up. “These giant pumpkins came out of nowhere and attacked us! Good thing you smashed them!”
I grinned, and put on a pair of sunglasses. “I guess you could say I was... Smashing Pumpkins!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at me, confused. “It’s a band,” I told them.
Anyway, I knew I needed to go and find the King of the Pumpkins to put an end to this madness. So I flew the Cutie Mark Crusaders to safety, then went into town to gather up the Elements of Harmony to prepare for the epic battle.
Once all the elements were together, I had Rarity and Pinkie Pie make out because it was hot. Then, we went off to find the King of Pumpkins.
After much long searching, we came across an old evil. Slendermane, who was being helped by three changlings.
“We must defeat this evil! Kill them with fire, then consume their ashes!” Pinkie yelled, extremely out of character.
I nodded, and thrust my giant flaming sword which spits acid that I can conjure out of thin air right into three of the changlings. Rarity began to cry.
“Rarity, why are you crying?” I asked blandly. Rarity sniffled, then looked up at me.
“Because... you killed my brethren!” She began to morph, and change into a strange being.
I gasped. “Rarity... you’re a changeling?” I was considering making out with her, but insects aren't as sexy as I thought they would be. “What a totally unexpected plot twist!”
“Well, what should we do with her now, totally awesome and sexy alicorn leader?” Rainbow Dash asked, also out of character.
“I think we should kill her. It’s the right thing to do,” I explained nobly. Everypony except Dashie agreed with me instantly.
“I’m sorry, no matter how sexy and awesome you are, I can’t let you kill my waifu. She’s Elijah’s OTP.”
I narrowed my eyes in a very badass way. “I have no idea who this ‘Elijah’ is, but I’ll tell you what. If I can beat you in a race, I get to kill Rarity.”
“Agreed.” Rainbow Dash shook my hoof, and we got ready to race.
Haunching down, we sped off. Rainbow Dash was fast, but no match for me. I overtook her in ten seconds flat. Rainbow Dash pumped her wings faster, but I left her behind in the dust. Then, I hit the max speed, and I created a “blazing rainboom”. It’s like a sonic rainboom, but with totally badass flames shooting off of it.
I landing with ease next to Rainbow Dash. She was laying on the ground, completely worn out. I hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“H..how... did you...” the tired pegasus began to stammer, but I put my hoof in her mouth to silence her.
“Because I’m the best,” I said humbly. “I’m the best there ever was.”
Complying to our agreement, Rainbow Dash didn’t protest when I killed Rarity. A quick, swift chop to the neck banished that abomination from our lives. Fluttershy cried a bit, but after I made out with her a few times she got over it.
“Alright, now we have to confront the King of-”
The ground began to shake, and suddenly, from the bowels of the earth, came a giant pumpkin with a tiny crown perched precariously on his head.
“I am the Pumpkin King! I shall destroy all of you!” The Pumpkin King created vines that shot out of the ground, ensnaring my five companions.
“This would be super hot if I didn’t want to kill you right now!” I conjured my flaming sword, and I beat the crap out of the Pumpkin King. Inches away from death, I spared him, because I’m kind and benevolent that way.
“I shall let you live... for now.” The Pumpkin King kissed my hooves.
“Oh thank you, thank you!”
“But tell me,” I said to the giant vegetable. “Who sent you?”
“It was-” The Pumpkin King exploded into a large mess of pumpkin pie. Standing behind him was a figure I hoped to never see again.
“Discord...” I growled, shooting flames from my eyes. “This ends now!” My flaming sword turned into a lightsabre with no explanation whatsoever, and Discord pulled his lightsabre out too. Mine was red with a black handle, because those are the bestest colors ever.
Discord and I battled for a few moments, before he chopped off my hoof. I fell to the ground in pain.
“Poisonblade...” the lord of chaos said dramatically. “I... AM... YOUR FATHER!”
“NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed, and lunged at him with my lightsabre. I pierced his stomach, and he died forever. My hoof grew back because I’m awesome that way.
Luna flew down from the sky and announced to all the ponies in Equestria. “Poisonblade Deathwish hath slain the evil Discord! Let him be forever remembered! This day will henceforth be known as ‘Poisonblade is Totally Awesome and he is the Sexiest Alicorn’ Day!”
“Let’s throw a party!” Applejack said, and everypony agreed. Rainbow Dash just cried.
I turned to Luna. “So... Luna...”
Luna looked at me, and I looked away.
Then we made out. And it was hot.
Oh yeah.
P.S. Also, Trollestia got her cake.
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STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THEN TWILIGHT
I feel slightly ashamed for liking this.
Here is your one internetz, for your not-a-trollfic.
So totally a trollfic. I can't tell if you were trying for a deconstruction or if you were just trying to see how many bad tropes you could fit in this. Either way, you are a bad person.
I'm gonna use this pony emoticon to express how I feel about this fic:
trollfic
what are you doing
trollfic
STAHP
EDIT: Seriously, even Trollfics must contain actual funnies in order to be funny. Which is why they have garnered such a backlash amongst the writers of actual fanfics- it's a dumb rendition of something slightly more dumb. Stop being dumb. Please?
I loled.
What.
I'm being sarcastic.
''Poisonblade Deathwish was just a normal Alicorn until one day...'' cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/dewhine.png
mmkthxbai
So this is obviously a mock of all bad/troll fics in existence. Still not sure if it's gonna pan out like I think it should, since even fics making fun of terrible fics by being terrible fics are terrible fics themselves with or without the terrible fics they mock. For some odd reason though I liked this.
It was well written and funny.
Well that was... interesting.
The real pumpkin king is going to need a minute to try and figure this fic out.
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1375009
1375015 Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the concept of a "trollfic"
1375017 Why thank you!
1375019 Crap, I hope he doesn't sue me for copyright infringement.
1375169 I suppose I sort of am expecting too much from this story after coming from a fanfic that required me to write the sentence ...Speaking of which, why choose the grammar of a Uralic language over a similar Latinate one?
1375221 Yeah, I just felt like writing a trollfic for once. People were complaining about how I didn't write enough comedy anymore, so I wrote... this.
1375169
As a matter of fact, yes.
No need to fill me in, anything troll-related is one of the many things that goes into one of my ears and cleanly out through the other.
With the exception of the song ''Trollmors Vaggvisa''.
1375251 Though, again, I must state that Trollfics aren't really comedy per se- or, at the very least, not good comedy. Done well, it can be anything from this to this to this.
Comedy isn't exactly meant to be the focus of the story (though it can be, here I cite Meihaus' work, and when it is it's usually original) and almost always serves as a means-to-an-end that lets the reader experience the greatest parts of the story in a different light- whether it be moral or otherwise (Fluttershy has Tea with Jesus).
However, I assume (and very hopefully do I do so) that you realise this. Because if you do, then I just typed all of that for nothing, and it will look slightly less like I'm talking out of my arse.
EDIT: ....Somehow.
1367208>>1374974>>1374996>>1374997>>1375009>>1375013>>1375014>>1375015>>1375017>>1375019
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This is Regidar we're talking about; no matter how crappy his stories are, they are always trollfics.
1375288 The idea here was to shut people up, to show them what happens when they bug me about my stories. So I cursed the world with this abomination. Some of my stories that are comedies actually turned out good, like this, this, or even THIS.
Unsuccessful trollfic is unsuccessful.
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Right off the bat, the first comment pointed this out.
Better luck next time.
1375351 weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/freddie-mercury-so-close-pose1.jpg
1375347 Wow, thanks. Now I feel so good about myself.
1375361 operatorchan.org/w/src/133731410973.gif
Don't be lovin' on me, now.
1375347
Heh, was just showing my appreciation.
1375370 interestbuzz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/5324049_700b.jpg
Just got home from school, so sorry.
137536724.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_liy7s0jFSG1qfk7qbo1_500.gif
1375428
Love that episode. Not afraid to admit it.
1375428 gifsforum.com/images/gif/i'm%20out%20of%20here/grand/hcaW4.gif
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1375347 havent seen you use that one in a while
1375506 I remember you too, and for the sakes of friendship, and future dominance over you, might as well re-introduce myself. I'm epicdonus1123, leader of The Doughnut Army, glad to re-meet you.
Man this sounds like an awesome story and since it's your first fic I'll go easy on you when I comment later.
*puts in read list*
Me gusta.
1375994 This isn't his first fic. Trust me.
1376094
I think Kartal knows, even though he's a post "If smosh Were Ponies" watcher.
1376094>>1376126
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You're trying too hard to be funny. Way too hard. What you've done here is a mishmash of "HAHA LOOK! I AM MOCKING COMMON TROPES. IT IS FUNNY." This isn't funny. There's no wit, there's no surprise. It's just a bunch of easy jokes that we've all seen a million times all stuck together.
Making a Mary Sue and sticking a neon sign on it was funny when it was first done. That was a long time ago.
Your grammar's pretty good, though, so at least there's that. You should try writing something a little less "HAHA LOOK AT ME! AREN'T I FUNNY?", I'm sure you could put out something decent.
Keep tryin', buddy, but this isn't a success.
1380230 Here, let me point something out to you:
That's from a previous comment when I was replying to something else. If you want to see what I'm truly capable of, look at this, this, or this.
1380904
I rate stories, not authors. Judging by your grammar and spelling, I'm sure you can write well. However, if you're going to post an abomination, no matter the reason, you have to expect people to review it like an abomination.
And like I was saying, it falls flat by deliberate abomination standards because it's so generic. Your abomination's horribleness is all obvious, tired jokes the style of which have been made over and over again.
tl:dr, this is a bad execution of the "tongue-in-cheek deliberate badfic" genre, and that's what I was criticizing you on.
I'll admit I did crack a smile at the character name, though.
1381513 Poisonblade Deathwish is best alicorn.
Heh, well in any case I liked it. For what it's worth...
So nice job for your first fic. Totally original and memorable.
WHAT IS THIS.
I can't comprehend...
1391422 IT'S SO SEXY YOU CAN'T BELIEVE!
1367208 I know I'm going to say this to every story I read that you've written, but....
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DID I JUST READ?
1544886 A heartwarming tale of broccoli.
This is great. It has a lot different tone than most trollfics, which is what makes it. It's well written, yet completely stupid and self-aware that is completely stupid through excessive lampshading. Tis truly beautiful.
1549256 Oh, stop it you.
I feel the same way. There's so many bad fics that are exactly like this, except the authors think they are good. It's a funny feeling when you realize that having the most-powerful-character-ever-and-beats-the-mane-six-at-everything-they-do-and-then-totally-makes-out-with-them isn't clever or unique, it's just stupid. I laughed, so hard. Now, do a sequal where PoisonBlade DeathWish is a human and goes to Equestria, that's the next level of dime-a-dozen-fics-I'm-more-badass-than-you fics. (and after that one, make it a trilogy by PoisonBlade Deathwish totally banging every pony in Ponyville, because that's what happens, yaknow.)
1592891 That's exactly what I'm going to do.
1592900 oh stop it you
this storie is sew prew, man you shuld make a bewk basd ion thins.
Dafracque did I just read?