Twilight Gets a Puppy
Season 5
By TDR
Hearthstone Breakers,
Epilogue
[Canterlot. Three days after Hearths Warming]
Princess Celestia sighed and sat back in the replacement throne. It had been an alright few days since the meeting with the Sparkle family. She and Luna had exchanged gifts, both of them having to go rather out of the way to find something the other didn't have. That was one of the more fun things for the holidays. She had found an old game system and a number of retro games Luna didn't have. Well as much as a system only five years old could be retro. Luna had found her a unreleased copy of the new Double Moon novel, this one oddly focused on the love between a crystal pony and a dragon. Who ever that writer was they managed a number of odd pairings that were beautifully written.
Due to budget constraints after all the fighting with Chrysalis, She had to go a little cheaper than she liked with some gifts. Sunset was given a gift box from a Griffon deli that contained bacon among other things she could always share with Rahs if she didn't want them. And Sombra was gifted some rather rare ore that he could smelt and forge.
Both she and Luna had been surprised that Sombra had sent a card to them. It was more than he usually did for Luna. Celestia expected Rarity was involved in it, though Luna's reaction to it had been fairly heart wrenching.
Still all that was a few days ago and aside from the usual pile of gifts from admirers, suck ups, and foals wanting to write her a card, many of whom wrote Luna this year as well, she was back to holding court to deal with the after holidays build up. Though she expected most of it was going to be complaints about places not taking back various horrid gifts. She didn't know why ponies came to her, she didn't have any say over any stores return policies.
“Princess.” Raven stated. Celestia looked to her assistant to ask her about how she fared for the holidays before noting the look on her face.
“Oh No...”
“I'm afraid so Princess.” Raven frowned more.
The doors to the throne room burst open with a slam and a large navy blue furred moon dog strode in like he owned the place. Flanking him was a purple alicorn mare, and a purple and green teen aged dragon.
“HELLO PRINCESS CELESTIA!” Twilight called as they advanced towards the throne.
Celestia watched them approach her lips pressed together tightly.
“Nope.” Celestia stated flatly, vanishing in a teleport.
[Canterlot. Two days before the New Year.]
In a nondescript building on a nondescript street, in a some what run down section of Canterlot that lay by the airship ports and was nearly always in shadow thanks to the mountains peak, was the head quarters of the thieves guild.
While the location was not really a secret, the owners and operators of this particular building were the sort of legitimate business ponies that made a proper Guard feel oily just from speaking with them.
No matter how many raids, investigations or stake outs were preformed, nothing could ever be brought up that was enough evidence to shut them down.
The thieves guild had go so far as to mock the Guard by naming their building, Exuberant Annexation group, or as it said on the building in large red letters EA. On the legitimate side of things they ran several insurance companies, a few freight transportation companies, and even a small number of private investigators who specialized in the recovery of items you seem to have misplaced, or had walked off on their own. They also owned the local stadium, which was obvious if you thought about the average price of game tickets and the bags of peanuts sold at the concession stands.
On the not so legal side of things they delved in foal napping, robbery, muggings, petty theft, jay walking, and a protection racket that they called a 'season pass' which a payer would be certain not to have anything stolen from them for at least a year, though those terms changed at a whim. They also had something called a Preorder bonus, in which your unborn foal would be guaranteed not to have candy stolen from them for at least two years after birth.
They were also known to dabble in assassination, though that was rare, and very very costly as Princess Celestia herself had had a word with the last assassin who had been caught trying to take out a member of her court when another noble wanted them gone. That word was very much the last word that particular assassin ever heard. Though the guild was spared the cost of cremation at least.
On this particular bright sunny day, because deals done in the dark or in the rain made the guard more suspicious and no one really wanted to still be up at night just in case a highly caffeinated Lunar Princess and her rather educated ax stopped by to see what all the activity going on in her night was about.
They had been forced to claim they were setting up a new club due to her arrival at one point right before a break in. They then very quickly put one together which unfortunately became the Princesses favorite club in Canterlot which forced several members of the guild to go legit just to run the place to keep up appearances.
The EA Headquarters however was were several of the higher ranking members of the thieves guild met with a mare who had a job for them.
Kingpin was a well dressed older stallion. He had been running the thieves guild for close to thirty years now. The white coated stallion had gone gray years ago, though he had yet to start to sag, keeping him self fit despite his rich lifestyle.
His secretary, a light gray mare named Moonlighter, who had retired from her house breaking after an injury years ago, let the mare into his office. It was hard to tell much about her from the thick gray hooded cloak she wore to cover herself, but that was often the sort of pony who came in for a particular service they could offer.
Kingpin looked up as two of his guards shifted in the back of the room, making their presence known to the mare in case she thought to try anything. Kingpin wasn't particular on who came to offer a job, but he wasn't dumb enough to think some of them wouldn't take offense at the prices he gave.
“Greetings miss. What brings you to my desk this fine day?” Kingpin questioned. He already knew of course, the mare had been asking questions had led her to him rather quickly. She didn't seem stupid as she had hunted down a thief to question about this location. She had also taken down a number of non guild cut purses and muggers in her search, so she was nothing to trifle with.
“I have a job for you or at the very least I want information on who I need to contact to have this job done.” the mare stated.
“Well then right to brass tacks. What is the job?” Kingpin questioned.
“I need you to kill someone.”
“Really... Well I can't speak from experience, but such a thing is not cheap I would expect...” Kingpin trailed off as a massive sack of bits was dropped on the desk before him from the mare.
“Fifty thousand now, Fifty when the job is done.”
Kingpin stared at the bag, then looked to the two guards, one of them cast a quick spell that ran over the room, there was a faint crackle before the guard nodded and Kingpin let out a sigh.
“Well then. You are quite direct. I suppose I can indeed find some one who would take your job. Though I will need to ask, who is the target?”
“Twilight Sparkle.”
There was a moment of silence as the three thieves in the room stared at the mare before all of them burst out laughing.
“And what is funny about that?” the mare growled.
“Alright first off, this is no where near enough money to even try for the princesses former student.” Kingpin chuckled slowly regaining his composure. “Second Twilight Sparkle is an alicorn, a god, she can't be killed any way, not at least without doing something that would change the entire world, which would be eliminating whatever her portfolios are. The bits you're offering MIGHT be enough for us to find out what those portfolios are, maybe.”
“Fine then target her brother, the dog cat thing. Kill him.”
There was another laugh, from Kingpin and one of the guards, though the other guard, a large scarred earth pony, only shuddered, he recalled how his first attempt at foal napping went and he still had nightmares about the teeth.
“Lady. The Sparkles, ALL of them are off limits. They are so off limits even the town they live in is off limits. As a foal Twilight fancied herself a junior detective and busted six of our major businesses before she got bored. An attempt at foal napping her turned three of our best into frogs, and not even big frogs, little pond frogs that if I'm not mistaken are still enjoying eating flies on lily pads in the palace gardens. An attempt to snatch Rahs resulted in the horrid mangling of several guild members, and the one who tried to grab the dragon became the first pony to survive being turned to ash. He was dropped right in front of the princess who was at the time touring the guard training facilities. The less said about what happened to a group that tried to mug Shining Armor the better. And even the parents are to be feared. The mother systematically broke every bone in each leg of a bruiser who tried to rob her when she was gravid with Twilight, all while naming the bone as she broke it and lecturing the poor fool about what part of the body it supported. A group that broke into the royal observatory while Nightlight was on duty were never heard from again.” Kingpin listed off. “They are the only family that is in our little red book of do not mess with, EVER. There is no pay in the world worth even trying.”
“Don't forget what happened with the Red Chief incident.” the unicorn guard stated.
“Yeah but that was the Crusaders more than Spike, and those two were stupid.” Kingpin stated. “Point is miss. No one here is going to take any job that might bring them in contact with the Sparkles for any price.”
“Ricky might.” the burly guard offered.
“Yeah but we trained Ricky wrong as a joke. I want him to go mess with somebody in the red book so he can be shown as an example to everyone else of why we have the red book.” Kingpin sighed.
“So you are all useless then.” The mare sighed.” I should have known better than to trust a group like yours. I would have thought that a group professing to be very skilled in what they do might actually be able to do something. It seems I need to do it myself.”
The mare rose reaching for the bag of bits only for Kingpin to slap his hoof atop of it with a grin.
“Well see that's not very nice of you miss. After we gave up some of our valuable time to hear you out.” Kingpin offered.
“And you think laughing at me like I was joking counts as valuable time?”
“Hmm you do make a good point. But on another point you did just trot right into a den of thieves with a big sack of money and expect to walk out again with it? Sure you've taken down a few mooks to get here, but only the best get this far up in the guild.”
“Really?”
“Consider it a consultation fee, and of course it's not like you can go to the Guard, cause trying to hire an assassin? Well. That's a bigger crime than a bit of price gouging.” Kingpin explained.
“Hmm, you have a point I suppose. I didn't think this through as much as I should have.”
“Smart mare.”
“Still for the record, you have been a rather lousy host, you never even asked my name,”
“Really? And would that matter?”
“Doubtful, but it would have been polite.”
“Alright, so what's your name then?”
Kingpin blinked as the mare grinned under her hood.
The warehouse district by the airship docks was known by most of Canterlot as the shady side of town, literally, to be fair. It was also one of the places that was mostly unharmed during the attack by Tirek.
Given the centaur was the God of Thieves, this was cited by several Guards as proof that the who area should be swept clean and everyone rounded up and questioned.
Tirek had actually gone out of his way to avoid this section of town, and only a few ponies who stayed in that area had been drained. The centaur had even looked at the EA building and chuckled before continuing on towards the palace.
With so much of the rest of the city destroyed and so many hurt, that this area of town was untouched pissed off a lot of Guard.
Particularly now during the holiday season, where the number of shoplifters, muggers, purse snatchers, and burglaries was at an all time high as gifts ponies got were easily stolen while they celebrated.
As such it was, there was no small amount of glee on the faces of a number of Guards when the EA building exploded.
Before the last bits of the building even started to fall back to the ground, the Guard was mobilized en masse to the site. Not only to rescue any survivors, but to sift through the wreckage to see what evidence they could find before any one could hide it.
A chunk of wall was pushed aside and a coughing white pony pushed his way out of the rubble with a groan. His two guards lay in a heap off to the side along with a large number of others he had called in when things got a bit heated, his secretary was half buried under her broken desk on the other side of the rubble. Scanning the area he saw the Guard surging towards the location and groaned.
“Miss Moonlighter.” He stated clearly, though he coughed up a bit of smoke.
“Sir?” Came the pained reply from under the desk.
“Please add the name, Starlight Glimmer, to our red book.” Kingpin offered before he fell over.
Well, at least she's savvy enough to not stay there to be threatened by the three most dangerous Sparkles ?
But I wonder if they were coming because of that, or for a completely unrelated reason ^^
And awww, there is no "Chrysalis asking nicely" to finish throwing Celestia off balance ? Awww.
Hehe ok now a badge of honour would be getting in that red book but a red and black book would be.
Don’t mess with them unless your suicidal also your fired if you do no way we want them coming after us.
The thieves guild headquarters is... EA. Well yes, that does seem about right.
Also, Glim Glam is very angry at the Sparkles! What will she do next I wonder?
10856711
Chrysalis is clearly in Ponyville and has moved in with Twilight. For Chrysalis knows the safest place on the planet when pregnant with the next generation of Sparkles is surrounded by Sparkles.
Those three in particular.
On a related note, the government of the Crystal Empire has also relocated entirely to the embassy in Ponyville… which is located in a brand new wing of Twilight’s Crystal tree palace.
As has Canterlot’s Archaeological Society.
As has the Equestrian Writer’s Guild.
As has Royal Guard company 666.
…
And guest bedrooms have been set up for Bleu, Princess Luna, Applebloom, Big Mac, and Rahs’s entire harem.
Yes. The insurance rates and Premiums in Ponyville have skyrocketed. Why do you ask?
10856731
Get on White’s shit list.
10856737
There's being stupid, there's being suicidal, there's messing with the sparkles, and only then you gave that level of sheer insanity and deep desire for personal suffering.
Damn, really working up the bad guys this time around. Wonder is Starlight is still gonna get onto the Redemption arc or is she gonna end up on team Solomon? I hope she gets redeemed. She was a great villain but her time as Twilight's student is honestly my favorite for her character.
10856741
What about bribing white in order to blackmail some gods on a one off/what better way to get one over on a few then showing a embarrassing photo and going. Oh wait night light already did that
i second notion that GlimGlam doesn't join Solomon.. or even if she did.. ts temporary as she'll still be 'redeemed' or reincarnated into being good
Starlight uses B.Ass Canon.
Its Super Effective.
10856767
Discord can literally do/create anything and even he can’t bribe White.
Think about what that says for Starlight’s chances.
Poor Starlight she should have taken the offer to find her portfolio. I think she is going to make her attempt on a Tuesday and she will probably regret it. Or will she go for a Friday and Rahs gets to have some fun?
10856890
Starlights gonna get yeeted into a dragons mouth repeatedly in a loop by white just for screwing with time while attempting to alter it gets her sent back to magic kindergarten during the first era of celestias reine for a week
Back in Black starts playing
10856537
That was a typo but it works well enough.
Of all the Thieves Guild attempts on the Sparkles, I find this one the most interesting. The group just up and disappeared without a trace when they went after an “aging Royal Astronomer who dabbles in amateur archaeology”? If we make the (admittedly big) assumption that no gods were involved, what the heck did he do to or with them? Is “Royal Astronomer” actually trade-speak for “intelligence analyst,” “Celestia’s spy-master,” or simply “Retired, Extremely Dangerous”?
10856939
Nightlight is probably the weakest sparkle. But hes like spike.
10856737
Unfortunately, time travel is actually the most likely way to kill someone like Twilight. After all, if you can't kill them after they become immortal, kill them BEFORE they become immortal.
However I kinda hope this timeline's Starlight ends up a light purple stain on Sehsat's door mat, just for the sheer level of pigheadedness she's exhibiting for going after someone who is so ingrained on the biggest criminal organization's DO NOT MESS WITH list that they won't touch anyone in the town she lives in.
I wonder how long until Solomon finds Starlight Glimmer.
10857010
The problem with Time Travel Revenge plot is we have a God of Time who is very much always on the clock
10857025
As I said: Get on White’s shit list.
Even Discord knows better than to get on that list.
10857019
Solomon is probably steering clear of that particular unstable thermal nuclear weapon.
Simply because I’m sure he knows he can’t manipulate/entice/control her.
After all, what good is a weapon if it ends up killing the user?
10856748
I too hope for redemption just like in the show. Sure, some folks will say her motives for being a baddie were stupid... and they were... but I blame that more on the writers than the character. Like you said, once she became a friendly individual she was someone you could like and root for.
I can also see her and Twilight's time travel shenanigans (with White along for the ride bitching up a storm for them making his job a headache lol), revealing to BOTH what kind of world might come if Solomon wins... a nice moment to sober up Starlight and to put a fire in Twilight's belly.
Dayum Starlight, okay! Was not expecting to see you here!
That is one of the most Pratchett things that I have read in some time.
Yeah
HA
It's funny, because you have absolutely no idea what your asking and your ignorance on the matter is quite hilarious
You, my dear, never think things through
Well I can honestly say that this Starlight Glimmer is hitting a lot of my personal issues with the character
In case anyone's wondering I find the original version of her to be shortsighted, narrow-minded, hypocritical, powerful, intelligent and yet utterly stupid due to previously mentioned issues, I can even throw in delusional.
10856737
She's already on there for things she has yet to do
It's probably fortunate for the Guild they declared Ponyville off-limits before Sombra and Sunset showed up. I can't image any Guild interactions with 'tall, dark and edgelord' or 'princess pyromaniac' would be pleasant for those members involved.
10857207
What makes you think they didn’t try with Crown Prince Sombra?
There’s a good possibility they did. And whichever assassins they sent in found themselves in a last minute appointment with Doctor Choppy.
10857260
Given almost his entire time since returning has been spent either in the Palace, or in Ponyville, and is a fairly well-kept secret, I doubt they even know about him.
I absolutely love that you named the Thieves Guild's HQ "EA". So perfect, so fitting.
Ah, time for the "Don't risk our future Nephew/Niece" brigade to have their turn!
Just wait till their grand, multi species Harem fic centered around a 'diamond dog' magnum opus!
YAY! Best Princess needs more love!
“Nope.” Celestia stated flatly, vanishing in a teleport.
She didn't know why ponies came to her, she didn't have any say over any stores return policies.Neither do the sales clerks, doesn't stop the Karens.....
"WE HAVE COME TO PARLEY! GIVE INTO OUR DEMANDS OR FACE OUR WRATH!"
Smart mare.
Told you, any insurance company willing to operate in Ponyville has to be some kind of scam or another!
....... And yet I see no mention of Loot boxes so... still not as evil as the real EA
There is a line, don't cross it.
She still occasionally 'forgets' what all the modern rules of evidence and full trial are when she gets excited.
Okay........ which of the many idiots who pissed her off and got the asses blasted by her lost enough brain cells to forget about the whole 'immortal goddess' thing?
Crooks with no survival instincts do not tend to survive long enough to get good.
Oh.. oh goddesses.... oh damn... can't.... breathe........
There does exist mutual respect among abominations
Ah, Starlight.
So she takes the "Alter the world" part of what it would take to kill a Sparkle literally? And it still won't work.
Okay.... seriously..... this was freaking HILARIOUS! still short of breath from laughing so damn hard.
10856732
There also seems to be a several large rabbit hutches all around the castle. Everyone swears they've always been there though.
10857010
Well, this is Starlight, she's got like, a -10 penalty to her knowledge: local checks, so didn't know about that till she just found out about it.
Gratned she's single mindedly bullheaded enough to just take that to mean she has to get creative. And to praise whatever deity looks out for morons like her that she's only trying to assassinate Twilight Sparkle and not Sir Samuel Vimes.
10857063
Adagio is a big enough risk, but she at least has buttons that Solomon can press to keep her in line with promises of future revenge, and does understand the concept of laying low to gather up your power before making a move.....she just horribly sucks at knowing when said power will be enough.
Pretty much every single button Starlight has right now is big, red and shiny.
10857404
To be fair to Celestia, none of the Sparkles have given her the time to say what she will do one way or another.
10857008
.... That makes me feel like he magically shipped them to a dark ruin far from civilization that's infested with as many snakes, spiders, bats, and other monsters as it takes to make a place be deemed too dangerous for even Sparkles.
10857420
First two did, after that, yeah she was more just resigned to letting them get it out of their system.
Till the trio, at that point, it's GTFO before they start making object lessons.
Starlight Glimmer is getting closer to her target.
yep this is going to be epic.
Apparently the thieves guild RED Book/ data about the Sparkles needs updating since its next to impossible to kill Rahs either being a god as well. Out of the trio the only one possible to kill would bring so much pain not sure all the gold in Equestria is enough for even the attempt
10857473
No one knows Rahs is a god yet save the Sparkles, the Element Bearers, Chryssy, Rahs' suitors, the royal sisters, the Sirens, and the suitors.
Well Discord knows, as do the fates. White may know soon or he always has, or he's learning it as i type this.
10857473
Rahs being a god isn’t widely known information (for the moment).
I’m fully expecting Rahs will reveal that little fact during an “All the world’s a stage.” Moment.
Bad luck. Rahs can also probably walk off a nuke to the temple.
10857372
She did they all threatened her anyway
10857564
Or eating the nuke supercharging twilight and spike who then crack their hoofs and nuckles before counting down from ten to give a sporting chance to run
10857595
That killed the joke.
10857524
That's the problem with existing at all points in time simultaneously
Smart move
Ah, forgot about her. I was guessing it'd be Diamond Tiara.
Well if Glimglam does get a redemption, I have to wonder who her parole officer is going to be. I'd have to guess either Rarity(Sombra) or Applejack(Sunset), as Twilight already has the Sirens to watch.
10857956
Nah, my money is going to be on Pinkie. Starlight needs a friend and Pinkie would be the best choice as she would be able to pick up when Starlight is feeling down or isn’t being a good friend.
10857404
C’mon, that’s S.O.P. for the genre-savvy evil-doer! There is always a need to keep at least one intentionally expendable minion in the ranks.
Evil Overlord Rule #164
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
I don't usually comment on stories here, but I just had to say that I was a bit disappointed in this episode, primarily due to slight breaking of suspension of disbelief that stories usually tend to require. I've enjoyed reading your absurdist OP take on the MLP episodes, TDR and look forward to reading the rest as they come out. But my slight disappointment in this current episode has to do with how Celestia came across in this:
1 - Celestia winds up pretty much a doormat in the face of threats and proves it by 'running away' when Twilight, etc. show up.
2 - Threats & blackmail made in public court to a ruler typically come with consequences, such as treason, loss of life or freedom, etc. Yet the Sparkles make such threats and walk off with no reaction or consequences from the ponies in the court.
3 - As a result of such threats, the Sparkles come across as much less likable as characters if they're willing do such things, and also come across as arrogant because they clearly believe they're above the rule of law.
4 - The Sparkles in making their threats are essentially calling Celestia a "foal killer" in believing Celestia wouldn't care if Chrysalis was pregnant, thus killing the unborn foal if she attacked Chrysalis. I rather think that if Celestia had been told of the pregnancy, she would have refrained from attacking Chrysalis without the need for threats.
The series of threats to Celestia was kinda funny, but in respect to the above points, it kinda falls flat afterwards upon further thought. Personally, I would have had Celestia react with more anger than she did in the scene with Night Light - perhaps along the lines of something like "Night Light, you want to see your grandfoals, right? Well, I'll make you a better deal than White. You destroy *all* the photos and you live to see your grandfoals." She'd be saying this in his face with in her Daybreaker persona.
Ultimately it's your story and you can tell it however you like, but you may want to consider how the humor of the scene may reflect on the characters and any consequences they should potentially face as a result of their actions. For example, Night Light's public blackmail of Celestia would likely result in the loss of friends or ponies refusing to do business with him, etc. After all, if he's willing to blackmail one of the rulers of the country, then how can anyone trust him with anything at all?