The Hooffields and Mages
Twilight Gets a Puppy
Season 5
by TDR
The Hooffields and Mages
[Ponyville, Seshat. Non time fuckery]
Pinkie Pie huffed in annoyance glaring at the map table. Spike was sitting at a plain wooden table with a number of chairs around it off to the side of the table prepping for his O&O game.
“I'm sorry Pinkie, but after some consideration I didn't feel as if you should go on this one.” Seshat offered.” Quite the opposite actually. I felt quite firmly that you should stay here.”
“It's fine.. really it's fine... I'll just sit here and...... I dunno, wonder what Fluttershy's doing on this potentially dangerous mission...”Pinkie Pie whined.
“Seriously, calm down. Fluttershy has Rahs and Twilight with her.” Spike offered.” If anything bad does happen we'll probably feel the explosion from here.”
“Yes well I get Fluttershy and Twilight, and Rahs always goes now as back up along with a Guard or two, but WHY is Tempest going?” Pinkie Pie demanded.
“Mostly due to the Guard who was training her in protocol is going and if she is serious about guarding Twilight and aiding the Ponyville Guard this is the sort of thing she would need to do.” Seshat explained.
“At least Grubber has to work.” Spike shrugged. ”He can get super annoying without Tempest around to reign him in.”
“And yet, I don't get to go?” Pinkie Pie snapped.
“Well I wasn't stopping you, but I felt you shouldn't.....” Seshat offered. “REEEEALLLY felt you shouldn't.”
“GAAAH!!!” Pinkie Pie ranted.
“You could always go take over for Fluttershy's Book Club.” Spike offered.
“That would mean I would need to go deal with Angel Bunny alone, I'm not 'that' crazy.” Pinkie snapped.
“Fair enough.” Spike shrugged.
Twilight felt that this had been the dumbest, most pointless waste of her time ever, and she had been to one of Fluttershy's book club meetings once.
It had been rather galling to find a field mouse had a better understanding of the themes and story of a Tail of Two Cities than she did. And that was AFTER she became the goddess of books.
Evidently there were two family's in the middle of a feud. A feud that had been going on so long there was actually a filly and a colt from both families who were secretly sneaking into the forest to spend time together. Rahs had immediately pulled those two away to make sure there would be no stupid Romeo and Juliet shenanigans going on.
From what Twilight could tell, one side was full of crap builders, and the other side was full of crap farmers.
Which was weird enough on it's own given the crap builders managed to make functioning cannons to fire pumpkins at the crap farmers. It was even stranger that the crap farmers had sheds full of watermelons and enough hay to bale it and use it as ammo.
Twilight was sorely tempted to blast them both when they refused the Guards cease fire order. The only thing the two family leaders seemed to be interested in was winning the fight to prove they were better at fighting.
Still it was up to her to fix this. Tempest was staying back deferring to what the Guard with them was doing, Rahs was working on the two lovers trying to get them to keep it in their pants, and Fluttershy had already saved a bunch of animals caught in the crossfire.
After the cake fiasco the conflict had gone into a full out brawl with the valley between the two hilltop homesteads erupting into food flinging and fighting.
Twilight was confused that the two families had been using the Equestrian non escalation style of conflict, which really was based on a lie created by Celestia during that stupid cupcake fort battle she imagined and they were just using food and less than lethal attacks.
Sadly however it seemed that was no longer the case as now that the feud had moved into the valley, hooves, sticks, pitch forks, torches and other farm implements were being brought to bare.
Thankfully it was all a bunch of uncoordinated brawling and shouting thus far.
“ENOUGH!” Twilight shouted, her horn flaring as she shoved every pony away from every pony else on the field. Unfortunately they all immediately charged back together to continue the fight.
She then grabbed Big Daddy Mcolt, and Ma Hooffield yanking them both in front of her. The pair of them ignoring her and trying to stab each other with the large wood chisel and a pitchfork.
“You two stop it!” Twilight snapped stepping between the pair and glaring at them. “ You two don't even know what you're fighting about any more. This needless conflict needs to stop!!”
“AHH what do you know!!?” Big Daddy shouted.
“RIGHT, BUTT OUT.” Ma hollered as well.
“Well at least they agreed on something.”
Twilight glared at her brother, before she felt sharp pain in both her sides.
There was a brief moment after that, where reality itself seemed to freeze in place.
Twilight glanced down, noting a chisel and a pitch fork that had both been prodding at her while she had been trying to get the pair to see reason, where now both a few inches deep into her sides. Twilight glanced to both sides at the heads of the families. Both of them had the same annoyed expression, but they also seemed surprised that she hadn't moved from the prodding and actually gotten stabbed. Neither realizing the reason she hadn't pulled away was because the other one was prodding her other side.
Twilight took a deep breath feeling the warm trickle of her own blood start running through her fur from the holes on either side of her body.
There was a sound behind her that marked the realization from those who had come with her on what had just happened. The growling that started wasn't just coming from Rahs.
Twilight let out her breath as the moment still hung in the air, a stillness that was almost as unsettling as what she knew was about to happen.
“May the stars have mercy on your souls. Because there is no god listening who will.” Twilight stated flatly.
Then the world exploded into violence.
Twilight sat back as the Guard bandaged her sides. She didn't really need it as the wounds healed almost as soon as the weapons were removed but the guard was doing his best to not pay attention to what was going on in the valley.
Rahs had went off obviously and was not the slightest bit concerned on which of the families felt his ire.
Tempest too, had also gone off and Twilight was quite impressed at the mess she was making of everyone, like Rahs she was completely indiscriminate on her rampage. She had a slightly smaller body count than Rahs, but only just.
Fluttershy too had decided to react, and the angry proto thestril was surprisingly brutal, though it seemed that she was less doing this because of Twilight getting hurt and more due to all the animals around who had been hurt or nearly hurt from the fighting.
“So what do we do when this is over?” The guard asked looking at the wreckage, Tempest and Rahs had not settled from taking their annoyance out on just the ponies, the farm and fort were both on fire and half collapsed as well.
“Well for starters we arrest the lot of them for their part in this conflict, especially the two leaders due to them actually stabbing me. We find any close families to take the children to and then we either have the government itself take over the land or we let the love struck pair have it and start over.” Twilight sighed. “ In either case this fighting is going to be brought up to Princess Celestia and she can deal with that part of it and what to do with the land. What annoys me is that in order to preserve harmony here we pretty much had to kick the flanks of everyone involved. This does not fit well with anything I know on harmony or friendship. Why was I even sent out here when a host of Guards could have done the same thing. I mean what was the lesson here?”
“Hmmm. Maybe, ' Don't stab someone who has two overpowered protectors willing to engage in ultra violence at the drop of a hat?” the guard offered.
“And Fluttershy?”
“That's easy, 'Be kind to animals. Or else.' “ The guard explained.
“Meh Better than anything I could come up with for this.” Twilight sighed.
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Lol
You know what, that works.
Meh.
This one was a swing and a miss.
Time - tooo - partyyy
Got to love update time.
Twilight's apathy to these situations always makes me chuckle.
TDR at his best
Storys like this inspire my own writing. Hope my humor will be taken as well as i love this storys 
The sad thing is I think this is better than the actual episode. Also, go kick some hillbilly flank Tempest!!
I like this better than the original episode.
They start attacking each other which has got to be illegal in the first place, they ignore the Guard's demands that they stop fighting, and then they stab someone who's an attack dog first, a goddess second, and royalty third.
Honestly, I don't blame Twilight for destroying them and going literally medieval on them: killing or arresting the adults on both sides of the fight, revoking their lands, and sending the children away.
These two idiots must have really been drowning in the "Family Feud at all costs" Kool Aid to be stupid enough to attack Twilight of a people.
Sometimes you can’t fix stupid. So Twilight will be more then willing to beat the ever loving stuffing out of Starlight when she does something completely stupid.
a vary fitting ending to a messed up episode.
i love this chapter.
Couldve been worse.
Couldve been Ti Rek In Krew.
Good. R&J is a tragedy, not a romantic ideal.
"Lol," said the scorpion, "Lmao"
Aaaaand cue the DOOM music in 3...2...1...
Luna: The stars won't help them either. They are big fans of the Darwhinny Awards
11063004
Twilight didn’t do shit to them.
She just proclaimed no God was listening to their pleas right before her Brother, The Bodyguard in Training, and the protector of all things “small and defenseless (in her eyes)” cried havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
11063037
Why do you say these things?
Just consider it a needed purge of stupid, Twi. God knows we could use a few of those irl.
True
Well that's just it, you are the Goddess of Books not Stories
More than you?
Oh dear
A good lesson to learn
11063538
Which god white teacup jynx rahas twilight rutherfords dad the penguin sunbutt lunas chrissy bleu tierk death murphy discord aqua the rest ive forgotten
11062986
I wonder if update time is related to white
We need a mini court scene showing the feud was caused by sunbutt and chrissy fighting because its hilarious secondly another exscuse to rampage
(cuse thats way more funny then arguing how to look after animals and fighting for the sake of it unless your the god of needless violence then your getting a handshake and a supena as someone w woul look to sue)
11063604
That one had perfect comedic timing.
That was brilliant of you
11063674
Thankyou thankyou im here all week
11063500
Mainly because it was late, I was tired, and trying to put something down I could think of before my age made me forget the origional.
Claps. Well done.
11063730
ah, 99% of the comments I make are the same but for a different reason, want to participate but can never decide what to say so I post the first thing that comes to mind.
11065628
I just read the line and I was like hold up. Isn't that? And it was. I might go back and read it again
Story is so good.
Dang, and here the best I've come with is "May God have mercy on your soul after I send you to him."
11067952
"Your destruction is the will of the gods...
...and we are their instrument."
11068564
Yes! Yes! YES!
I was thinking of Flibberoloo.
Poor Twilight...
Welp, time to wait for the chapters to build back up! :D
Oh no... I caught up with all the seasons...
11075182
One side wore shoes on their heads, while the other side wore pots.
"Mine's more of a kettle."
11063604
White Rabbit follow the lead of the Black Rabbit
11063003
More entertaining and realistic. Because if you stab a Goddess, her followers will punch back
11063004
Stupidity made them cost dearly.
11063014
Fun times. Good times
11063138
O yesss. I l♡ve that song
Unreasonable Farmers vs reasonable gods and demigod: