How long had it been since Twilight last slept? How come her mind still plagued her with images of a kiss that should never have happened? Why was she always so alone?
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- Member Since 24th May, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
TheCrimsonDM
Big fan of fantasy and lesbians. If you want magic, lesbians, or ponies, you've come to the right place. Follow me itch.io if you want to see my visual novels. https://thecrimsondm-vanillia.itch.io/
TheCrimsonDM
Joined 24th May, 2014 ·
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Poor poor Twi...
Let me be the first to hit like
Given the circumstances you wrote this under, this is really good.
... hm. Wait. That doesn't exactly sound like a compliment, does it now? Let's try again, like this: It's a really, really short story. That ain't inherently bad, don't get me wrong. But it does mean that we only get the tinsiest, tiniest glimpse into what's going on. I can see Twilight losing a ton of sleep because of some scenario like this. I can see her breaking down like this. I can imagine her state of mind being like this, her thoughts running in circles like this. And adding to that, I can totally see Fluttershy coming 'to the rescue' to comfort a friend in need.
However. While it's short and sweet, its shortness feels a little bare-bones. I'm trying to pinpoint why exactly this feels... rushed. First thing that comes to mind: Why was Fluttershy there in the first place? How'd she get in? Could've been a single sentence and it would've been fine: Twilight's sobbing was rather loud, she was caring for some night-critters, the window was left open - there we go. But that explanation isn't there, which keeps me wondering, so to speak, 'about the wrong things'.
Point of view taken into account, it's fine that we don't actually get any glimpse into Fluttershy's thought process or state of being, although that would've been interesting as well, I suppose.
Okay, I think I'm getting closer.
See, when I try to imagine myself in this situation, being madly in love to the point of - almost - desperation, then witnessing something I utterly misinterpret, then the subject of my affection actually catching me in the act of breaking down, being exhausted beyond belief... confessing those feelings would've been easy, actually, yes. Because as exhausted as that, I couldn't really care anymore. I wouldn't have the energy to care. Everything is obvious anyway and attempting to hide it would've been an insult.
But.
If that person I so desperately yearn for suddenly clears up my misunderstanding and actually confesses their affection for me...? I think I might be happy? Somewhere deep, deeeeeeeeeep down. Because on a surface level, everything would be chaos. Utter chaos. And below that, there's this huge margin of... just exhaustion. I couldn't process happiness at that point because I'd be way to confused and tired. Ah, found the words for it: Emotionally drained.
Happiness would have to wait, because in that very moment, I'd be way to drained to be happy on an observable level.
And to be honest - I expect (and expected) that from Twilight as well. So the end 'yeah, I'm happy now' is hard(er) to swallow. I think that's where most of the 'feels rushed' comes from.
With all that being said, this shouldn't discourage you in the slightest, your writing is good and your characterization spot-on.
Thank you.
PS.: Well... that went on to became an unexpected wall of text. Sorry for that.
This was very good! Super cute!
Bit short, but otherwise nice.
10533245
Yeah, poor Twilight. At least FS is there to help.
10533253
I thank ya.
10534009
Thank you XD. I wasn't sure if this landed on the cute spectrum but glad to hear it made it.
10534241
Yeah... that's what happens at 3AM and with a mind full of talking horsies. Short, but nice.
10533393
Thanks for the indepth comment. It might be a little bit hard to parse but I did find some useful things to learn from in it. So thank you XD
I might have made a small edit in the story based on one of those suggestions.
At the end of the day I feel like this is more like a scene from what could be a larger story if I ever wanted to sit down and make a longer Twishy story.
I felt so bad for Twilight here although I think Fluttershy coming in unexpectedly to comfort her is a sign that they are meant to be together. I would love to see something take off from this. TwiShy is such a cute ship. It can either be pure or it can lead to some very raunchy times.
This was cute. I agree that this feels like a snippet from a larger story, but, on its own, it works. Fluttershy comforting Twilight certainly added to the sweetness.
Cute story