I suppose not-quite-death by snu-snu is an appropriate punishment.

My thoughts: The scene itself was better than the previous two chapters. I liked how there was the constant danger of 'is she or isn't she?', not revealed until the very end. But, the punishment for rape is... more rape? Poetic, perhaps, and yet unsatisfying after more than a second's thought. And here I was hoping to see the reactions of the other ponies! Or maybe something like,

Twilight, aghast that something like this could happen right under her nose, investigates every aspect of this operation. Zecora confesses under duress from Fluttershy's Stare to a Zebrican conspiracy to implement a nation-wide distribution of their drug. Star is hailed as a national hero for 'discovering' this, and is 'awarded' with the six mares, plus Applejack and Pinkie Pie for good measure. The next morning he is discovered murdered, none of the mares with any memory of how it happened.

And then it turns out Luna 'was' in heat but to minor to feel it herself and didn't put any barriers to stop it(as an Alicorn's breeding resistance is only down with Heat). A foal of a Star and the Moon, Hmm the names...............

No... just....... no
Why it ended that way?
It started good, but ended in disaster!
I'm really sorry, but because of the ending i'm changing my upvote to downvote.
Don't get me wrong - up to chapter 3 everything was perfect, then out of nowhere someone find him in ch4...
and now THIS... ch5............ he completely busted..................... why?

The poetic justice angle doubled with the openendedness of it, the punishment doesn't hold up to scrutiny. If he isn't under the spell and actually does end up being able to handle Cadance or what whoever else can throw at him, than it really isn't much of a punishment. Also, how does Shining Armor feel knowing his wife would rather get her rocks off to a sex slave rather than him? If he remains under the spell than no matter what is done to him he would end up enjoying it to a degree just like all of his victims had. Lastly, if he remains under the spell but Luna changes so that he experience pain rather than pleasure than the punishment becomes worst than the crime.

10099444
I thought so at least. ^.^ Though, of course, others in the comments ... disagree. I suppose I was expecting that, though. Everybody’s going to have different ideas about what punishment is adequate or not ... most of which won’t align with what’s actually in the story.

10099445

Twilight, aghast that something like this could happen right under her nose, investigates every aspect of this operation. Zecora confesses under duress from Fluttershy's Stare to a Zebrican conspiracy to implement a nation-wide distribution of their drug. Star is hailed as a national hero for 'discovering' this, and is 'awarded' with the six mares, plus Applejack and Pinkie Pie for good measure. The next morning he is discovered murdered, none of the mares with any memory of how it happened.

Maybe save that for the random-tagged sequel...

10099465
Personally, I expect both royal sisters have had many offspring throughout the ages...

10099468
Well, if he never got caught, the story would eventually just kind of fizzle out at the end. This puts a nice solid ending on it.

10099549
Well, there’s at least some version of this where the degree of punishment makes sense, right?
(And it’s not just that he has to have sex... He’s stuck in the harem/dungeon for the rest of his life, never to see the light of day again. That’s kind of harsh.)

Shit wasn't expecting Luna would be next and had a feeling it was going to go bad

10099591

wasn't expecting Luna would be next

Looks like somebody didn’t read the character tags!

10099574

Well, there’s at least some version of this where the degree of punishment makes sense, right?
(And it’s not just that he has to have sex... He’s stuck in the harem/dungeon for the rest of his life, never to see the light of day again. That’s kind of harsh.)

If it was just him being locked away than that wouldn't be an issue, but having him a part of a slave harem, even if only technically, creates certain expectations in the mind of the reader. Also, while the openendedness of the outcome of the punishment would let some people think of a specific scenario that leaves them satisfied, the lack of certainty would leave others not so satisfied. The ending just isn't going to hit home with some readers.

10099606

The ending just isn't going to hit home with some readers.

That’s the case no matter what I do. Because nobody’s going to agree on what a proper punishment is.

Loved how you built tension for this one.

You did pretty good.

Hmmm... I have to say the ending is better than I thought. This way, Luna get a relentless lover to be added into her harem. (well since he seemed to pass the interview) But the Ponyville's mare might miss him for his wonderful spa session.

Snitches get stitches cucumber slice.

10099649
Yeah, rape is a pretty big no no. Personally, I would have him shame walked through Ponyville, put him on a travel ban list with regular guard check ins, and let things just take care of themselves from there.

The fact he didn't go 6/6 with the elements slightly bothers my OCD, but oh well.

The best fate a man can hope for

10099649
Personally, it just feels a tad unfinished to me. It's a bit along the lines of "show, not tell" as we are told what his punishment is, but nothing is really shown of it, or the consequences of his actions. Just so many holes left in the story.

Terrible ending that ruins the entire story.

gotta admit, the ending kinda ruined it for me. Fun ride though.

10099822
Have to agree, everything was building up nicely and now the sexual deviant is sentenced to more sex with mare which was what he was already doing and he doesnt have to really worry about anything now but having sex which he was doing.

The entire ride was great but the payoff falls flat.

10099654
Thanks! ^.^ I’m glad it’s working for somebody!

10099678
Heh, that goes ... interestingly with your avatar...

10099684
Could have ... but commissioner likes Lotus & Aloe better than AJ & Pinkie Pie.

10099695
^.^ There is an element of that in there!

10099753
That would be like a whole sequel story...

10099674
10099682
10099835
Yeah ... to harsh for some, not harsh enough for others.

10099783
10099822
And then there’s...?
I don’t even know if you guys are complaining that the punishment is too lenient, too harsh, or some other reason.

10099883
How so? It's a scene from lunar eclipsed if I remember correctly.

So, my two cents regarding the complete story.

There's no such thing as a bad concept. That concept may alienate people at the start of any given media, but there's no reason it can't be well-executed (the idea of Nazis in control of the US turns a lot of people off, but The Man In The High Castle executes it brilliantly). Tropes are tools.

Firstly, my main criticisms with the full story itself. No bad concept (hell, I already did the first chapter and couldn't do any more due to life stuff). It all could have worked out. But what separates good MLP clop from the most ridiculous porno out there is the characters. Now, full disclosure, I've done this before (see To The King Go The Spoils), but the only character in this fic was Star, and the other guy was half a character in himself. Sure, Twilight, Flutters, Aloe and Lotus, etc. all appear, but when they get hit with the herb, they become dolls. I did my absolute best to avoid this when writing my go at it because I learned that if the characters aren't there, then I may as well head on over to PornHub and I'll get the same end result. Naturally, I will be more than a little biased, but I preferred my own take on it. Twilight was completely lucid, simply much more open to suggestion. This allowed her to be herself, only she would do whatever Dill told her to. Here, as noted, everyone just becomes lifeless. My suggestion here is to always build the scene around the characterization, rather than force the characterization to fit the scene. I really feel like I would have enjoyed the whole thing a lot more if the characters were more like themselves.

This does not apply to everybody (some people just wanna gap to cartoon horses and don't care what they look or sound like), so as I said, this is just my two cents.

Secondly and lastly, as the opening statement pertains to this story's ending, the idea of Star being sentenced to snu-snu for the rest of his life has potential, but... there's got to be more to it. All I'm getting from it is that Star's just going to be a royal fucktoy for the rest of his life. Okay, fair enough, what else? Apparently Cadance is insatiable. Okay, fair enough, what else?

...nothing else. That's all I'm aware of unless I misread or misunderstood. And he's also under the drug at the end to make him comply.

This is an Unishment, not a punishment, when it is clearly meant to be framed as a punishment. More needs to be added. For instance, off the top of my head, you can establish that Star is firmly hetero, and part of his ending is to be turned into a vegetative cocksleeve for the Royal Guards or something, just like he did for all 5.5 mares in this story (Luna only half-counted). Full karmic punishment. Alternatively, imply Luna is thoroughly BDSM, especially the D and S parts of DnS and SnM respectively, and Star is very much against it. For that matter, add the dreaded Child Support bill into the mix of things as well.

Like several others, the ending just kinda left me underwhelmed. The payoff does not satisfy the build-up. You've done better, I follow your account on my main. Personally, I think sending your story to a prereader or three to get their thoughts would have done wonders here. It may delay the story's release, but I had at least two guys go through my Heat Treatment, and they found several things that I needed to make better, and their suggestions were right.

10099884
Because Luna’s the one giving Slice ‘stitches’ ... and then there’s your rather intense Luna avatar...

10099943
Heh, true. I wrote myself into a corner by making Twilight doll-like, then I had to do the same with the others. Really should have thought that through beforehand.

And as for the punishment ... well, it’s a porn story, so I’m going for a sexy punishment. He’s still confined in a dungeon for the rest of his life, so that’s something. (And anyway, I can’t really see the Equestrian justice system being terribly vindictive. He’s been taken off of the streets and can’t rape again. From a societal standpoint, that’s all that really needs to happen, unless you think harsh punishments will deter others from doing crimes. Hint: it doesn’t.)

If anything this ending feels like a porno ending to me. like I’m sure this is on the internet somewhere. Guy has sex with unwilling partners. His punishment? More sex! It just doesn’t sit right with me me. I’ve said it before but I never like when obvious rape isn’t treated like the rape it is. I know the tone of this whole story has been pretty chill and lax but that’s also an issue I have. I get the impression that if this version of twilight found out she would react how a porn actor would. Nonchalantly brush it off. Rape, even unknowingly shouldn’t been mixed in like this. That’s just me. I just don’t like rape stories and strictly clop/porn being melded into one. Not to be too accusing (I love there other stuff) but I kinda expected it from DLS. To me it doesn’t feel like they ever want to do anything too dark. That’s not a bad thing but maybe another writer more darker writer could of done it not better but more dark? This isn’t bad it just not dark enough to warrant the material involved.

Man it feels like whenever I comment it’s always about rape stuff. Make it stop.

dirty little secret you are making my hand stronger thanks man!

lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/J5E4hslEVnYulCS5zC9anHA_Q1lP_w2DUDprbskK20DJrwlf-ELyzUMBgqxIpbu-rBAzcY0jW6KMYUMnIAbA19QdfSOryRg-FYCwHWrc3qr9JAMu1jq4Yh8OocAZTArUwd6tKiZe6oAP2FncmQ

10099960
Oh yea, didn't see that connection.

Eh, this story was alright.
I give it a 7/10.

10099883

That would be like a whole sequel story...

...or an epilogue.

Welp, that's karma for ya!

Ha! Karma bit him in the ass!

10100150
10100116
Glad to see somebody approves of the punishment he got!

10099967

To me it doesn’t feel like they ever want to do anything too dark.

Exactly. Who wants to read a dark clopfic? Not me at least!

10099969
Heh, keep working on it buddy. You’ll be impressing people with your firm handshake in no time!

10100055
Can I ask what I lost 3 points on? It’s always good to know so that I can improve other stories later!

10100097
But then do I bill the commissioner for his unwanted epilogue...?

10100203
I find that karmic retribution is the most satisfying when it comes to stories like this. It's a kind of catharsis I think a lot of people can appreciate.

10100203
I can't handle dark clop fic

But I really enjoyed this story

10100268
See! ^.^
You will forever be my justification for not writing dark clopfics!

10100352
Ok

10100203
Hot damn I'll commision the sequel/epilogue if patrons don't vote it in ^~^

Damn snitch

10099943
You summed up my issues with the ending, he got rewarded for what he did when it could have just said he was to be in the dungeons for the rest of his life.

The other guy who confessed got punished.

Star got rewarded and even complimented for what he did.

Yoi dont need to have some dark punishment, simplu say he was thrown in the dungeons and there he is punished and its not dark not say he is going to spend the rest of his life having sex which was something he wanted, specially when its specified he will be having sex with what is seen as the most beautiful mares in Equestria with the princesses.

It's not a lenient punishment, it's just not a punishment and was basically pointless to have it when he could have finished his plan and lived in self imposed exile as that would have ended the story and not be nonsensical and feel tacked on just because.

10100203
i dont understand how its a punishment, he gets more sex for getting outed as a rapist?

10101152
Essentially he got turned about, the effects of the herb seemed to be turned on him. Hince to say he is likely to not be sure why he's tired. That or he really did do a good job and Luna just wanted to keep him for personal use, as basicly a slave. So indentured servitude is the punishment.

10100453
Heh, okay! ^.^

10100469
I mean, he’s kind of doing the right thing, though...

10100514
10101152
Eh, he’s taken out of society and won’t ever be able to do it again.
What else is needed?

10101172
i guess in that sense its a good thing, but it still feels closer to 30% punishment 70% reward

10101152
He basically gets mentally shut down and turned into a sex slave for the rest of his life. In essence, he's going to spend the rest of his life experiencing what he did to his victims. He will have no writes or value beyond his function as a tool to relieve his owner's lust. There will be no satisfaction for him with his mind altered as much as the fic implies. In the end, he is nothing more than a piece of property owned by the crown. That, my friend, is his punishment.

10101282
theres about 3 or 4 sentences that could imply that at the end of the chapter, so i guess its up to interpretation

10100203
It was just kinda bland.
Maybe I'm just fucked up from the more extreme Hypno stuff so something as vanilla as this just doesn't scratch that particular itch I get for Hypno stuff anymore?
Regardless, not a bad fic, just a little tame for my likes.
Also, not a super big fan of bad ends in most cases, but in the context of the story it makes sense so I can give it a pass.

10101282
That idea is really hot. I would love to see more fics with males as a meat puppet.

I was hoping this to be a bad end with all the mares impregnated and enslaved, but having him as a mindless meat puppet forever works too (too bad it doesn't elaborate).

The best chapter imo is Fluttershy and Rarity; the creampie eating was really nice.

10105997

the creampie eating was really nice.

I like to include that kind of thing when I can.

Little late to comment, but will you be doing any bonus chapters? like I would find it interesting to see more characters done before Luna, like Zecora or Mayor Mare, also a "what if" edit on Luna's would be nice too, a what if where she never got out of her trance like state and he continued his debauchery after finishing with her would be great.
Also as much as I liked this story, I felt the sex was too vanilla most of the time, I was expecting to see a little variety in the sex, but that never really came, it was always vaginal, a little anal and or him eating them out himself would make for at least a little more interesting read for the sex scenes, blowjobs were nice though, but a little more of those lasting longer would be good too, if it stayed vaginal, perhaps some different positions would of spiced things up as well.
So all in all, it was really good, with decline in the sex being as interesting with each chapter, it went back up with the blowjobs and the mares eating each other out, the double partner sex, but more could of been done, and with more chapters in between, like two or three more would of sufficed.
So thanks for your time reading, still a great read for me. :)