Ch. 33 Escape
“Come, ve must hurry.” Sasha whispered, rushing the girls up a stairwell.
“I don’t see why you're in such a hurry. I took out like hundreds of those things by myself.” Cass boasted.
“They vere vorkers, not guards or soldiers, that you ambushed. A proper soldier vould destroy you.” Sasha grumbled, pushing the human up the stairs.
“Blah blah blah, whatever, this body is weird but powerful, nothing can stop me!” Cass boasted.
“You vould be vise to listen to me Sergeant.” Sasha warned.
The group continued up the stairs for miles, the endless loop having no way to get off it, forcing the group to continue away from the heart of the hive. Everytime the group would slow or stop, a sound below would force them to speed up.
“Is that what I think it is?” Asked Scootaloo, who was being carried by Sasha at the moment.
“I smell fresh air!” Pinkie Pie yelled, zipping around the bend.
“Pinkie, wait up!” Twilight called after her rapidly disappearing back.
“Hurry guys!” Her reply echoed back.
The group, catching their second wind, sprinted as fast as the could, being suddenly blinded as they stepped into the sunny brightness of the outside. The sky was clear and they could see the Sweet Apple Orchards directly in front of them. The apples swaying invitingly from the branches in the breeze. The sweet smell of apples drifting up to them in their high perch halfway up a cliff.
“So, uh, how are those of us without wings going to get down?” Cass asked, leaning over and peering down the sheer drop.
“You could just jump.” Applejack said sourly, kicking a rock over the edge.
“Or, before we go doing something silly, those of us with wings can carry you down.” Twilight said, glaring at Applejack.
“But there are only 4 of us with wings, and who knows how long it will be before they get here.” Rainbow Dash said, the gears churning in her head.
“I can fly!” Protested Scootaloo.
“Sorry kid, but you look like you’re molting and you were never a flyer before, I don’t think you could carry someone else down.” Rainbow Dash said, laying a hoof on Scootaloo’s back.
“But I can help!” She protested, looking like she was about to cry.
“Don’t vorry little one, ve got this.” Sasha comforted before continuing.
“Now, Fluttershy, you carry pink one, Rainbow, you carry Applejack, Tvilight, you carry Rarity, I vill carry fat ass here.” Sasha ordered, the paired ponies settling together and beginning their descent.
“Gods, you vill lay off the cakes when ve get back.” Sasha grunted as he lifted Cass up and over the edge.
“When we get back your going on an exercise regime old man.” Cass teased back.
“Old man? I vill tea-” Sasha grunted in pain and dropped like a stone as a black streak struck him from behind.
“Cass!” Applejack screamed as he plummeted past her, his arms outstretched, clutching at air.
“Crap!” Cass screamed in return.
“I got ya!” Scootaloo yelled as she grabbed his arm and flapped with all of her might, barely slowing his fall. Sasha’s lifeless body falling past and landing with a crunchy bounce.
“Gah!” Twilight screamed in pain as the streak hit her next, both her and Rarity plummeting.
“Scoot, drop me and get outta here!” Cass yelled.
“Ugh!” Rainbow Dash grunted the streak struck her square in the face, sending her spinning through the air in lazy circles. Applejack flapping her arms uselessly as she also fell and landed next to her fallen friends.
“I can’t!” Scootaloo yelled.
“Help!” Fluttershy cried in pain as the streak landed on her back, revealing itself to be a changeling as it struck her in the back of the head with a rock.
Twisting around, Cass used his body weight to fling Scootaloo into the orchard, falling the last 30 feet or so onto his face with a thud.
Scootaloo, surprised by the sudden flinging, crashed limply through the woods before she struck a tree with a thwack. She slide down onto the ground, gasping for air, as she watched Pinkie Pie land on Applejack through a gap in the trees. None of the ponies on the ground nor Cass moved a hair as the changeling landed in their midst. The evil thing grinning as it kicked the bodies of her friends and family, checking to see if it had killed any of them by mistake.
“Leave them alone!” She screamed, her own voice sounding pitiful to herself, the changeling snapping around to face her.
“Oh, my little snack, how are you doing?” It asked, swaggering up to Scootaloo, swaying it’s hips in a cat like fashion.
“You!” Scootaloo hissed venomously.
“Yes, it’s me, your pal. And I still haven’t found my bwig sister.” It mocked as it transformed into a small red filly, laughing as it stood above Scootaloo as she struggled to even breath.
“Ragh!” Scootaloo screamed, lunging forwards, smashing her forehead on it’s snout with a crunch that could be heard for miles.
“OW! That hurt! Now I’m going to have to punish you.” It hissed, holding it’s snout as it transformed back.
“You’re the one deserving punishment.” Scootaloo gasped as she stood up, pain lancing from her midsection.
“Oh, mighty words from one too weak to stand without shaking.” It mocked, circling her to the right.
“Weak words for something I’ve already destroyed.” Scootaloo countered, limping the opposite direction of it.
“But now you do not have your protector, you will be an easy foe now that he is gone.”
“As if! I’ve had awesome teachers in being awesome! I can take ya!” Scootaloo boasted, her voice shaking.
“We will see.” It muttered just before pouncing on Scootaloo, sending the two of them rolling across the ground.
The two of the rolled into a tree, Scootaloo striking blindly with her hooves, some of them actually landing on her foe. It morphed it’s forehooves into scythes and tried to cleave her in half, but their sheer size made it hard for her to reach a target so close.
Scootaloo got her hind legs underneath her and bucked as hard as she could, aimed for the things back legs that were braced on the ground, causing it to fall forwards, embedding it’s scythes in the ground. It being stuck gave her the opportunity to strike again with her forehead, crushing the already broken nose, again and again, before it demorphed and popped backwards in pain.
Scootaloo, lunging forwards, wrapped her legs around it’s waist and tossed it sideways across the ground. It skidded and rolled to a stop before she pounced, leaping high into the air. She came down hard, smashing both of her rear hooves onto it’s collar, crushing the metal inwards with a sickening crunch.
“You will leave him alone!” Scootaloo screamed in it’s face, tears streaming down her face as she struck downwards into it’s defenseless face over and over again as a black liquid leaked out of it’s mouth.
“Oh, I can agree.” It’s voice leaked out from somewhere, “You will be the one doing the harm!”
The liquid from it’s mouth leaped to Scootaloo’s face, forming to it like a mask as Scootaloo clawed at it, trying to pull it off as it poured itself down her throat.
Scootaloo struggled of breath, gasping and wheezing on the ground, thrashing against the thing she felt moving around in her chest. It slowly subsided, leaving Scootaloo feeling gross and need of a shower. But something else was wrong, she just couldn’t place her hoof on it.
“Oh there is nothing wrong, but everything right!” Her skull buzzed.
Scootaloo went wide eyed in terror, clutching her the side of her headl.
“Oh yes, I’m in here and there isn’t anything you can do about it.” It sang, teasing her.
“NO!” Scootaloo whimpered, falling forward into the fetal position.
“Easy now, don’t want to hurt my new body do you?” It asked, Scootaloo’s limbs not doing what she told them to as they flexed out, forcing her to stand back up.
“It’s still my body.” She grunted, trying with all of her might to move her legs.
“No it’s not, your now just a passenger. One that will be forced to watch as I consume your friends...”
“No.” Scootaloo sobbed.
“Your loved ones....”
“No!” She yelled, struggling so hard her nose bled.
“And especially your family, beginning with that Cass of yours.” It laughed.
“NO!” Scootaloo raged, smashing her hooves against her face.
“What are you doing?” It demanded.
“Not letting you do a thing!” She yelled, pulling at her ears, wings flapping out in an arch.
“No! You cannot dare defeat me! I am a changeling god! Second only to the queen herself! You are just a mere filly!” It screamed in her head.
“You will get out of my head.” She screamed as she slammed her face into the grass.
“Stop, please, you’re killing me!” It begged, it’s voice growing weaker.
“What if that is the point?” She grunted, scraping her face through the dirt, her blood mixing with dirt making a rapidly expanding spot of mud.
“Please, you cannot do this!” It begged, the buzzing barely noticeable.
“Get out of my head, now!” She ordered, her voice spraying a fine black mist from her mouth and nose.
“No!” It whispered, barely louder than a breeze.
With a final puff of breath, Scootaloo hacked up a chunk of tar, that hit the ground and bounced once before settling on the ground. It quickly dissipated, leaving no trace of it being there.
Scootaloo crumpled on the ground, her eyes blurry and her head fuzzy. She twisted towards the others and crawled towards them. Her body dragging against the ground as she gasped in pain.
“Cass! Applejack!” She cried as she reached towards them, vision fading to black near the edges.
With a last gasping cry, she collapsed in a heap. The world escaping her grasp leaving her in the warm, comforting embrace of unconsciousness.
“The fuck did I drink last night?” Cass grunted as he sat up, eyes scrunched shut as he clutched the back of his head.
“Pumpkin?” He called out after a moment, opening his eyes a fraction, scanning the surroundings.
“Oh, yeah.” He sighed sadly as he saw the ponies collapsed around him.
Attempting to stand up, he found his left leg refused to take any weight, the painful way too. As he fell to the ground again, he saw an orange fur ball in the nearby tree. A black shape heaped behind it.
“Atta girl.” He grunted as he pulled himself towards her.
“Cass?” Applejack called from under Pinkie Pie.
“Here Applejack, you okay?”
“No. I don’t know if I can make it back to the farm.” She replied feebly.
“And you won’t have to.” Luna said, picking up Scootaloo gently with her magic and carrying her over.
“Princess!” Applejack grunted.
“We told you to call me Luna, and we meant it.” Luna chided softly as she scooped Pinkie Pie up off of Applejack.
“And besides, in the condition you are in you shouldn’t be talking.” Celestia said, appearing from the same direction as Luna did, her magic picking up ponies as well. “You need to conserve your strength.”
“Princess!” Applejack gasped as she was lifted into the air.
“Oh come now, is that the only thing you are capable of saying now? Oh how boring this is going to be.” Discord drolled on as he stepped into the light, gently picking up Fluttershy with his arms and holding her like a newborn.
“Now ah know ah hit my noggin hard.” Applejack sighed as she slipped back into unconsciousness.
“Who the fuck are you.” Cass grunted as Luna lifted him up, draping him over her side so he could use her as a crutch.
“I know I have some explaining to do, but in all due time, for now, we need to get you back home. It is not safe to tarry here.” Celestia said, turning back the way she came.
“Perhaps we could stop for some ice cream?” Discord suggested, a cone appearing in his hand.
“Shut up Discord.” The Luna responded instantly, ignoring the cone stuck to the side of her head.
“Guard, go to town and gather the nurse and bring her here.” Celestia ordered as she strode into the house, a string of unconscious ponies floating behind her.
“Ma’am?” The guard questioned, looking at Luna.
“Go, now, I'll explain why my sister is here later, but don’t tell anypony, just get the nurse and be fast about it.” Luna sighed as she started settling ponies on whatever soft surface she could.
The guard, noticing the urgency in her voice, and took a second to glance the wounded, and then rushed out of the door leaving a puff of dust in his wake.
“You’re back!” Came a shrill cry from upstairs.
“Shh!” Luna scolded as a trio of heads poked over the edge of the stairs.
“Can we help?” Sweetie Belle asked, concern all over her face as she looked at her sister.
“Yes, go with Discord and gather all the medical supplies you can.” Celestia ordered.
“Oh, great, place the immortal god of chaos on babysitting duty. What’s next, you’re gonna ground me?” He grunted as he set Fluttershy gently on the couch.
“Think of it this way, I trust you enough to help them find medical supplies to help Fluttershy and the others.” Celestia said as she glared at him.
After Discord left into the kitchen, Cass turned to Celestia and asked, “I’m getting the vib you don’t really like Discord.”
“I would be in a much greater mood if I hadn’t been locked in my own dungeons for months on end to only be released by one of my great rivals as he poked me in the ass and called me fat. All in all you can spare me some slack because I have yet to discuss what you are.” She said, her tone cold enough to freeze lava.
“Sister, do we need to go acquire you some cake?” Luna asked, looking at her sister fearfully after her little outburst.
“Oh yes, that would be wonderful, but not chocolate! I swear that’s the only thing that Discord can conjure up.” She sighed as she turned her magic on Twilight, her bruises and cuts healing before Cass’s eyes.
“If you can heal them like that why are you getting nurses?”
“Because I can only do the superficial, I’m a god, not a doctor.”
“Lame excuse, but whatever. I still can’t shake the feeling that I should be trying to tear your teeth out one by one, seeing how you don’t have fingers to be breaking.”
“Ma’am, should he be talking you like that?” Amp asked from the top of the stairs, his sword half out of it’s scabbard.
“Your consort?” Cass asked as he hobbled over to the lazy chair and plopped down in it.
“NO!” Amp violently protested, Cass staring wide eyed at the sword that suddenly appeared, embedded in the chair between his legs, a few centimeters of a travesty.
“So I see I found a touchy subject not to talk about.”
“And if you ask Discord for pictures I will be sure to gouge your eyes out.” Amp threatened as he stepped down the stairs.
“Sister, are we all getting along in here?” Luna asked as she reentered the living room.
“Perfectly, in fact I was about to start a good hearted game of poker, should I deal you in?” Celestia asked sarcastically.
“Fine then no cake for you.” Luna said, placing the plate on the end table.
“Did I miss something?” Discord asked as he walked in with a bag with a red cross on it.
“Only end of the world as immortal gods are arguing and fighting with cake.” Cass replied sourly, sword still stuck in an awkward spot, despite his attempts to remove it.
“Oh that happens more often than you think.” Discord laughed as he settled down next to Fluttershy, kit open.
“Foul being, what have you done with the fillies?” Amp asked.
“Oh, them, I turned them into potted plants and threw them in the trash, they said I looked funny.” He said as if that explained everything.
Amp, jumping into action, lept over the couch, yanked his sword free, and sprinted into the kitchen.
“The little ones are in the basement looking for the extra blankets, I saw them go down there.” Luna said as she levitated a gauze roll towards herself and Cass.
“Oh boo on you widdle woona, ruining my fun, you should be ashamed. Next your going to be caught doing naughty things to your guards.” Discord said as a picture appeared in his hand.
“Discord, don’t.” Celestia warned.
“But then again, he was the one doing all the work, she just accepted him.”
“I will banish you to the sun.” She threatened.
“Sister, what do he mean by all of this?” Luna asked, halfway done tieing a splint on the grimacing human.
“Oh, but I cannot show you widdle woona, it’s not safe for your eyes.” Discord sang, growing a third arm just to hold the picture so he could use both hands for bandaging.
“Sister?”
“Fine, he took a compromising photo of me.” Celestia sighed.
“And?” Discord egged on.
“Amp.” Celestia said, burying her face in hooves in an attempt to hide her blush.
“Who?” Luna asked, not noticing that she was tightening the bandages too tight and that Cass was lifting himself out of the chair, face frozen in pain.
“The overzealous guard who will someday be the death of me.” Celestia said, yanking the cake from the end table, ignoring her sisters attempt to block it.
“Overzealous is not the word I would use. I think highly devoted to his Princesses wants is more accurate.” Discord said with a flourish.
“Have you nothing better to do?” Celestia demanded.
“Other than take up gardening, no. But I do think somepony should answer the door and let the nurse in.”
That, of course was unneeded, the nurse merely barged into the building, literally dragging the guard pony by his tail. She took one look around the room before pouncing on Rarity, a large medical bag bouncing on her hip as she started applying aid.
“Hello?” Luna asked, looking confused.
“Quiet, you should have not moved them. You might have made injuries to their spines worse. If we are lucky some of them might still be able to walk.” Nurse Redheart spat at them.
Luna, opened her mouth to say more, but was interrupted by a group of heavily armed guards burst through the door, knocking the already battered thing clean off it’s hinges. They swarmed the room, surrounding Celestia, and leveled their weapons with her face.
“Princess Luna, we just received word that this is an imposter.” One of the yelled out, poking Celestia in the cheek with his spear.
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hummmm
Good chapter
Oh you got to be fucking kidding me........
3540944
yes...
no....
Maybe?
Would help if ya gave me more info
3541169 no just kind blown when Celestia is deemed a traitor/spy
3541215
heh, figured you were mad about the apparent non-response by Amp
3541256 Yeah I wondered why that didn't happen -.-
3541633
yet
i dislike amp..seems like hes there for the sake of being there..a potted plant would be better in all honesty. i still say that these are filler chapters. got good when celey showed up and the fight between scoots and the..thing..then goes to crap when celey becomes cold towards cass.i know she has no clue what he is and neither does he at the moment, and thats okay but instead of going into a little more detail about that it focuses on amp and celeys pictures from before. then gets better when the guards run in. I like the story alot and i know im complaining when i dont need to but i just want to get back to cass being normal. im excited about the fixing of cass and then the talk of his purpose with celey.
3542423
Thanks for the input
3541983
................
And then they all died.....
Woo, this is british now!!
3547717
This is what now?
As much as i am liking this story,
i cannot stand all the missing and miss-spelled words.
3591035
)
point them out and I'll do my best to fix them (and be more of an ass to my editors about missing them
3591073 cheers mate,
or as a after thought you could get me to edit? 
3600720
hell i'll take as many editors as I could get, just PM me your email address and i'll add ya
Simon o’Sullivan and my trusty beard ready to work on the requested review. Now let’s see what we have.
During the reading of the first chapter, I noticed several issues. Not story-wise, though I wouldn’t be able to tell since I’m not that much of a military savvy myself (military service stopped being compulsory in Spain a few months before I became 18), but considering you’re one yourself, I assume you know what you’re doing. Now, grammar-wise, we have a bit of an issue. Nothing too serious, though. Mostly punctuation. You seem to have problems with them, misplacing them. But let’s start with the more in-depth review:
You switch between first and third person. When the story’s centered on the soldier, you use first person, but when you change scenes to AJ, you use third. My advice, considering that, as far as I skimmed through the first chapters, you only have one scene where you use 3rd person (and that would be the part where the story centers around AJ, to simply move that part away, considering that it adds little to nothing to the actual story, and keep it full 1st person. With that out of our system, let’s continue with the remaining stuff.
Punctuation is a severe issue you have. Allow me to quote a few of them:
These are two separate questions. “What was I doing?” and “Where was I?”, so you need a question mark instead of that comma and, considering they become two sentences, capitalize the “w” in “where”.
Commas (or em dashes, as you wish) before “in” and after “sound”. This brings a weird point, because the way it’s written, it gives the impression that there was both a flash of light and a flash of sound. And the latter doesn’t exist. The mental image I guess from this part is the commonly used in manga/anime device called the “beam of enlightenment”. While I have nothing against using these kind of stuff, we’re trying to get some real life stuff here, and I don’t usually see people getting lightning bolts or white lasers drive through their heads whenever they remember something important.
Ignoring that, we need to replace your comma after “all” with a colon, as he’s explaining what happened to him. You can also use a period, but the colon works better, for it’s an exposition/explanation after announcing it.
There’s a double space there. Since this seems to be unusual throughout the story instead of common practice (having learned the double spacing due to being raised with typewriters), you should fix it.
As I keep reading, telliness engulfs the story. Saying detailed things about “this hurts as much as that time where I tried to break a brick with my forehead” doesn’t really show the pain the character’s going through, though I guess it probably helps to give an idea. This isn’t what you’re trying to aim for, however. You have to describe how in pain he actually is. Is he twisting in sheer agony? Is he pressing his eyes with his hands to try and lessen the pain while grunting? Description of the actions he’s doing should give us the idea of what he’s going through without you, the author, simply telling us.
While you can say, for example, that Fluttershy acted shyly, you can —and will be much better received— to describe how she speaks in merely perceptible whispers and hiding herself behind her long mane. It’s just an example, but you should check through the story and find issues like this and try to fix them. Bear in mind, though, that writing a lot of words doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being showy. You don’t need a whole paragraph to show how in pain a character is, or how every single muscle of their body is reacting at that very moment. Just describe what every other character would see instead of turning them into live-size mood rings.
Several things to say about this part:
-When you’re writing thoughts, you use italics instead of quotation marks.
-If you mention a character said the previous line, you don’t end the quote with a full stop, but with a comma. Something like this:
You have this issue through most of the story. Luckily, it’s not too hard to fix, and it will just take you a short while.
-With that said, a period should replace the comma after “bitterly”, and you’ll need to capitalize “heck”, and a comma is missing after it.
When you’re talking about the Christian afterlife, both Heaven and Hell are capitalized. Sure, heaven can be without capital “h”, but that’s when you’re talking about the sky. “The plane took off up to the heavens.”
You also have issues with tense changes sometimes. The story starts in past tense, but sometimes you switch to present, just like in the previous quote: “maybe this is heaven”, and in the following sentence, you switch to past.
My problem with this scene is that there’s absolutely nothing between him saying he’s gonna try and stand up and this. In the writing, there’s nothing about his attempt of getting up and him saying “damn, standing up is hard.” You later mention his wound, but it’s still wrong. You should have him try and get up, grunting in pain as soon as he rests a bit of his weight on his injured leg, and then have him notice the gash on it and think that line.
This is strange, because if you try the radio, it means that at least its outside is in good enough condition to try and use it. However, right in the second half of the sentence, you say that it’s scattered in several pieces, so it wouldn’t have been an option. I think you mean that the character thought about using his radio and looked for it, only to find it totally destroyed.
Part of the “punctuation after quotation” issue: despite the use of question/exclamation marks, the following word doesn’t have to go capitalized if it’s dialogue attribution. Notice the difference between:
and
In the first one, the dialogue is being attributed to Britanny, so you don’t capitalize the sentence. However, in the second one, the two sentences are different, in the sense that, while part of the same paragraph, nothing’s being attributed to anyone. Being separate sentences, the capital “without” is correct.
As I read through the story (and got to the second chapter), I was really surprised that the shocked soldier didn’t notice something quite obvious about Twilight and Fluttershy: horn and wings, respectively.
That doesn’t really look like Twilight (which she is, according to the scene).
You miss a love of the vocative comma. You use them to announce that you’re calling someone’s attention. In this case, it should be “Hey, Big Mac, you mind…”. This also allows to take care of some of the issues you might find. If you hear “I’m really happy, Twilight” it means that someone is happy for Twilight. If you say, however, “I’m really happy Twilight”, we might have a Twilight Sparkle that really needs to differentiate herself from the sad Twilight and angsty Twilight. You have to search for the missing vocative commas and fix those.
More things:
It’s Sweet Apple Acres. Also, may I ask why do you hit spacebar several times instead of the tab key?
That apostrophe there serves no purpose.
All in all, while it’s understandable that “Adventure” doesn’t necessarily mean you start punching exploding bad guys in the face from the very prologue, I would tell you to reconsider the tags. Remember: tags represent the CORE idea of the fic. Something that will always be there. I can see the PSTD thing working as the part of the conflict and inner demons, and as long as you keep mixing them in an appropriate way, it can work.
Most of my problems, if not all, with the story are grammatical. The biggest one is punctuation in several aspects, as I previously mentioned. If you really can’t write that often, maybe you can get some free time and reread the previous chapters and double check them. Sometimes you find mistakes after rereading a story after a couple weeks that you overlooked the very day you wrote it.
That third person scene in chapter one is, on one half, troublesome because it breaks the first person narrative, but it’s also the way you want to introduce AJ. I guess you could combine those two scenes into one, keeping the first person narration but having Castle NOT fall unconscious or something, I don’t know. To be honest, I’m not too much of a fan of first person perspective for these kind of stories because it’s usually very restrictive and character-centered. However, I’ve seen it work, and you’re doing if fine (again, with that confusing PoV shift there).
I wish you luck with the story, and keep writing.
Simon o’Sullivan and Beard, WRITE’s Manly Reviewers of Manly Fics
3606642
Thank you for the review, I'll get onto working on it when I get back from the field later tomorrow
It took us a week but we finally got all caught up to the latest chapter. This is great stuff and it has entertained us all the way. Thanks for that, and keep it up.
3639407
We? Us?
....
Is it safe to assume that there are multiple people using your account?
3639444
Yep. We are a brother and sister team.
3640953
alrightie then, well glad you enjoyed the story
3641068
Gods can do just about anything.
Also, it has been explained that Celestia is not a god in anyway (in terms of canon.) She is just a very powerful pony.
4124462
more of a star trek reference that no one got apparently
4126796
Eh, too subtle for me I guess. I rarely watch Star Trek xD
The fic is good, but there are some grammar issues here and there.
I also would like it better if he didn't have amnesia after the changelings captured him. I think more of a brink of death kind of state would set a darker tone. But meh. I think trying to explain that would be a bit more difficult to explain.
I do love to challenge myself.
He's emotionally drained. Think of it as having your soul sucked from your entire being. You're just a lifeless shell. Dead, unable to perform expression. Oh boy that already sounds dark.
4126889
.......
well crap, thanks for the wonderful ideas, maybe I need to rip down the latest chapters and move it in a different direction.....
4132101
Nah dude, it is fine the way it is. You could always write somewhat of a branched off story of the fic. I'm quite content with where this is going.
update......
4797143
If you stop real life from kicking me in the balls again, i'll work faster
4798339 Outstanding! I like that.
Update please :)
If Celestia was a prisoner in her own dungeon for several months, who was raising the sun each morning ? The story is good, but after Cass was captured, it seemed to take a surreal bend to it. I think many are going to be scarred for a long time, after this experience. They still have to vanquish the changeling queen. There is just a lot of confusion in this story. And what about Sasha ? He's an alicorn for goodness sake. How could you kill him off in such an off-handed way as that ? I loved Sasha !!! You killed Sasha, but saved Amp ? That just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It's like this whole story is some kind of carnival ride. How much of the story, from the very beginning, has been REAL ? It makes you question whether it was ALL just some kind of illusion.
The way the elements are acting in their imprisonment is just too OOC. And how did Discord get free? Just too much confusion for a decent story.
Well I mean I wanted to read it, but its unfinished and last updated six years ago. I'll pass on that cliffhanger.
I think this story has a good foundation. Some time probably should have been spent developing the characters in the Night Guard as their deaths were barely felt by the characters let alone the reader; same as with the new family dynamic of Scootaloo and the Apples. The hadn’t finished establishing a home before the family gets separated: some but not enough connection to lose.
I really want the story to continue. The brutality of the Changelings is well portrayed -a frightening enemy.