Bestial Deal

Shakespearicles #1 · Dec 30th, 2018 · 12 · ·

As far as clop goes, the sex scenes were fairly hot, if a bit brief, relative to the rest of the story. It hits all the buttons for the main fetish, so that's a plus.

Story-wise, the Sparity angle felt... strange. Which is saying something compared to the rest of the story. Fluttershy felt very OOC for blackmailing Rarity. I get that this character dissonance is resolved at the end of the story with Discord, but while reading, it felt really off for her.
Personally, I could have seen Rarity being a closet kinkster with a beast streak, and approaching Fluttershy to indulge her.
The story was properly tagged, so I won't fault it for that. But while it may have appeal for others, blackmail does nothing for me.

The technical writing issues are what really plague this story. For example, right in the main story description:

Fluttershy was simply visiting Rarity when she found out that Oppal might've been sick but she finds something out that she never expected from her friend.

Opal only has one p.

What will she do with this new found knowledge?It's clear though Rarity in big trouble

Space: The final frontier.

It was just an average day In Equestria, Celestia’s Sun shining in the sky, the birds tweeting, away, and the Pegasus flying off doing whatever plans they might’ve had.

First and foremost: there were many many stray capital letters throughout this story. Too numerous to list.
There were many run-on sentences. If there are more than 2 commas in a single sentence, consider reworking it.
Pegasi is the plural for pegasus, which does not need to be capitalized.

Rarity felt something push? deeper into her this caused her to scream and groan hard as her pussy spread even farther than how Botch's Cock had done to her. than she realized that what was being stuck in her was, in fact botch's knot.

There are also many instances in this story of letters not capitalized that should be, as well as missing 's for possessive nouns.

~

Even if you don't have Microsoft Word, or another word processor application, Google Docs is free, and most browsers have built-in grammar and spell-checker. That would clear up many of the simple errors like missing apostrophes:

IM SUCH A DIRTY BIRD

But the very best thing you can do for yourself and your writing is to get a proofreader and/or an editor. Just having a second set of eyes to read over your story will catch more than 90% of your errors that you, as the writer, don't register as you read your own words.

As you've said, you are a beginning writer. And I do see a lot of creative talent here. While Fluttershy did feel out of character to the one in the show; the characters as you did portray here do feel compelling. You do a great job of painting a scene with descriptive details.
While technical writing skill is your biggest issue, it is also the easiest one to overcome. It just takes practice and discipline to make yourself better. That, coupled with a decent proof-reader, and I can see you doing very well in the future.

MidnightHooves

MidnightHooves #2 · Dec 30th, 2018 · 4 · ·

mrmidnight

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