• Member Since 1st Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Heartshine


Smol green pega that writes lots of words about ponies.

T

When I moved to Ponyville, I was lost. Then I met her, and I began to realise that there was more to my cutie mark than I could have possibly imagined.

Edited by:
Gara The Author, Nova Quill, RoMS
Thank you three for being my intrepid pre-readers and editors!

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 18 )

These two were my favorite side characters when I first joined the fandom, but I agree that they're usually typecast now. I like what you've started here!

Well you've certainly got my attention! Can't wait to see where this goes! :pinkiehappy:

(I hope it's smooches!)

Woo! It's posted, I can't wait to see how you take their story.

Still not sure how you managed to get me hooked on two characters I never had much interest in...

Language is a music all of its own.

I've heard at more than one point in my life that music is a language all it's own. I guess it can work the other way around too though. I'd never thought about until now.

"cadence of speech; the beautiful"
"cadence of speech, the beautiful"?

"how well Earth Ponies were"
"how well earth ponies were"?

"asking you this but it’ll"
"asking you this, but it’ll"?

"head for these kind of problems"
"head for these kinds of problems"?

"something she's said when"
"something she'd said when"?

"just darling?!” She asked, plating"
"just darling?!” she asked, plating"?

"head, finally taking a gingerly bite of mom’s"
"head, finally gingerly taking a bite of mom’s"?

"at it,” he put his"
"at it.” He put his"?

"For the briefest instance, I"
"For the briefest instant, I"?

Looks good so far. :)

Bon Bon's pointed questions are the stuff of my waking nightmares :rainbowlaugh: I look forward to how their relationship develops especially since I haven't read many stories of how they got to know each other!

...Heartshine, a slow, philosophical, first-person Lyra fic with colored text, written by you?

I haven't been around fimfiction a lot lately and I'm really glad I looked in at the right point to see this in my feed. This has so much promise and I'm loving seeing your take on it already. Thank you for indulging it as an idea!

There was something about Moondancer and Twilight arguing over the proper formula for a chemistry experiment or watching Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine compete to play Princess Celestia in our games of pretend that tore at my heart like it was trying to burst out of my chest in a cloud of shrapnel.

Your Project Horizons is showing, dear.

I'm interested in seeing how you navigate around these two characters, how you're gonna try and subvert the usual tropes associated with them. I think your approach has a lot of potential. The specific way that you read into Lyra's talent, especially; it took me a little while, longer than I'd care to admit, to understand why you were highlighting so many words and phrases in different colors. I'd suggest that maybe you try and mix up the color palette more, though (why does Lyra's father have the same color as Lyra, herself?). Make the characters more distinct in that way.

And I feel like some of your sentences are a bit overwritten, cramming too much information into a single grammatical structure that strains to hold them all in. Two examples are:

Why do I feel like you meant something more than just me coming in to keep your business afloat?”

&&&

I patted the side of the small two bedroom bungalow I'd manage to snag from an elderly friend of the family who no longer used it.

The first is a little cumbersome, with all the prepositional phrases. The latter's kind of a quick and dirty way to introduce and explain a new element (also seems a little convenient -- Lyra was living in a hostel just before she rented this place. Maybe you could have set that element up in her conversation with her parents? "Lyra, we'll try to help you find a place because living on the street in Ponyville only raises the likelihood that someone will eat your skin."

Critiques aside, I'm gonna try and keep an eye on this. There's been a dearth of ponyfic in my life, and this might be just what I need to get back into it. :pinkiesmile:

9332687
Face eating is generally frowned upon by most parental units.

I’m intrigued, don’t abandon the project!

9363531
Not planning on it! A few revisions to chapter 1 and Chapter 2 is with the editors. I was hoping to have it up before Christmas, but life happened. I'm still working on it! :D

inveigle,

And I learned a new word. One I have idea how to pronounce. :rainbowlaugh:

9367429
OMG YOU HAVE MEGHAN AS YOUR AVATAR! coughs Um, it's pronounced 'in-vay-gul'. I first learned this word watching the X-Files back in uh... the late 90s? Because one of the rare not 'The Truth is Out There' taglines was 'Deceive, inveigle, obfuscate'.

9367825
:rainbowlaugh: Your enthusiasm reminds me of Pinkie Pie And that is very interesting. I never watched X-Files back then, so I missed it.

"out and let the patch of land"
"out and letting the patch of land"?

"reached out and ruffle her mane"
"reached out and ruffled her mane"?

"forward so I could lay on the"
"forward so I could lie on the"?

"timbre seeping in her tone, adding"
"timbre seeping into her tone, adding"?

"to Bon Bon and I with a"
"to Bon Bon and me with a"?

"the wall outside and rolled down the"
"the wall outside, and rolled down the"?

"I had no a good excuse"
"I had no good excuse"?

"the divider between the counter to join me"
...Hm. The meaning there might be clear enough, but the construction sounds a little awkward to me and I'm not sure it's technically correct. I don't currently have any ideas for improving it, and it might be good enough already, but I thought I'd point it out just in case.

"may be awhile before she"
"may be a while before she"?

"a good hoof and half in height"
"a good hoof and a half in height"?

"She picked off a few twigs off my messy mane."
"She picked a few twigs out of my messy mane."?

"word choice. If not all, the metaphorical carpet"
...I am having no idea what the "If not all" means or was meant to mean there, sorry.

9367944
"Bon Bon and I with"
- isn't Person and I always grammatically correct? Cause I swear I remember getting yelled at in first grade because I used to say "Max and me are gonna go play outside!" and getting told 'It's "Max and I", not "Max and me."'

9367994
As I understand it, in the example you give, "I" would be correct, yes, just as it would be "I am gonna go play outside" if it was just you. However, it would be, for instance, "The teacher said it to Max and me" just as it would be "The teacher said it to me". The pronoun still changes with the role in the sentence.
(Like any "rule" in English, this can of course be broken for effect, and the meaning's pretty clear either way. I thought I'd point it out here, though, as, as I recall, there didn't seem to me to be a great positive difference in effect between the two here, nor was it dialogue.)

I really like the last two paragraphs, this is pretty good so far! :pinkiehappy:

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