silvercrystal432
Joined 13th Nov, 2017 ·
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Enjoying the idea, but it moves a little fast and lacks detail on the bloody side. The wrighting isn't bad just needs more detail, perhaps a stronger focus on the thoughts and mental state of the characters. Especially the state of mind and thoughts of who celestia is tormenting. Just a robots opinion!
8940224
I am very happy you like the story so far but the story is 50/50 right no and I don't want this story to crash and burn before it even got a chance to take off and since yandere Celestia is kinda of a new concept and a total personality change to her normal self I would kinda see why its 50/50. And to answer your comment I will be focusing more on the mental state of Celestias victims and I will make it more bloody and gruesome.
So this is like Yandere Simulator, am I right?
8941226
in a way
8940897
Then carry on! But do remember that as bloody as it may be having them live as long as possible adds a few levels of disturbing to many organics. It's the toe curling acts that make the torture.
8941361
Alright, then the tourture scenes will last longer and be way more disturbing. And thanks for the advice, its nice to know that people want this story to succeed and not bury into the ground. I also have one question for you, do you want to be my proofreader because you know alot about this and I could someone like you
8941491
I don't know if I know all that much about it over others but I could definitely give proofreading a go around for you.
I don't think this belongs in Protect Celestia.
If anyone is to be possessive it'll be Twilight to Celestia.
9075385
Celestia was always a yandere in this story. She just knew how to hide it very well. Also wouldn't Twilight being possessive over Celestia be cliche. I just wanted to do something different, Something people haven't written yet. That's the reason why Celestia is a yandere and Twilight isn't.
I love this idea there's not enough stories with yandere Celestia around these days... but if you know of any others than the ones mentioned in this stories description, even if they're yandere alicorns not just Celestia... let me know!
9094096
I'll keep an eye out for the other yandere stories.
Droning.
9111569
Every death in the story is built up to. So they are not just thrown in your face. I like to tell a story, not just throw in random deaths.
And yet again I am reminded why I don't read this kind of thing. I say sniffling
and trying to forget
Passive.
9075385
true, in reality it would be that way
9133084
this stuff isn't for everyone.
okay. I was right that you have great potential, your just writing stories I can't connect to, however unlike in "dark secret" this one's plot is rather sound. so you do you, i'll do me and we don't do eachother
9136238
I laughed at the last part of your comment.
9136238
AH! MARKIPLER REFERENCE!!
I like seeing more yandere stories, but you need to work on actually writing your stories (not just the spelling and grammar errors). The pacing is strange and the way you say stuff like
sounds very run on.
Decent start, but you've got a lot of room for personal growth. You've definitely got potential though.
I really like the idea of yandere Celestia, it's a Interesting concept that can be played around with. Your execution is worthwhile and while I don't really like the torture scenes, I can see what you were going for so a good read regardless. I might give this idea my own take on it. Feeling inspired lol
HOLY SHIT
Celestia shouldn't have killed her immediately,she made herself a clear suspect! Firstly it's her day off, if someone were to ask where she was all day, what will she say? Sure she's a princess but Twilight will or should be having suspicions, I mean she came out of nowhere for no reason! And than not even a day after she suddenly disappears? And then she makes herself more of a suspect by getting a photo of Sunflower going at it with a stallion and saying she banished her away from Equestria! Because now it will seem she framed her just to get her away from Twilight and then what's going to happen when she secretly tries to find Sunflower? What is she gonna do when she realizes that she was never bannished and is in fact missing!?
Celestia should have atleast waited a couple weeks or a month.
Nevermind she's smart.
Would Celestia really get rid of Luna? Because it's her own sister, in fact she even risked Twilight's life and multiple other ponies and friends of Twilight just to get rid of the darkness inside Luna. I would say Celestia is not acting anywhere near the way she acts in the show but at the same time, I doubt Celestia would ever be a yandere.
Ok that would litterly be impossible, Twilight is an Allicorn, an immortal, and she is a mortal, does she.....not realize this? This might cause problems in the future....
I'm more curious on what about Luna? Because she was a princess so how would she cover that up?