Female Writer, Bisexual Writer, Smolder X Mare Crackship Connoisseur. Creator of the Smolderverse, and writer of many other kinds of clop and SFW stories (Commissions temporarily OPEN)
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It was perfect, Princess Celestia was dating her immortal student Twilight, and no mortal pony would ever have her. Tempest, finally free of her guilt, arrives at Ponyville to learn more about friendship from Twilight and her friends. Tempest fell in love with Twilight, and Twilight realizes that she's been missing out on the feeling of true love.
Princess Celestia isn't okay with this turn of events, not in the slightest.
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i like where this is going, but please dont tell me that twilight is going to break up with celestia just so she can be with tempest later on in the story. but all in all really nice first chapter, i like the possesive nature celestia has on twilight.
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"but please dont tell me that twilight is going to break up with celestia just so she can be with tempest later on in the story."
...Sorry
oh dear god its going to be yandere celestia derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/7/7/34992__nudity_anthro_princess+celestia_spike_suggestive_princess+molestia_wingboner_bottomless_artist-colon-atryl_candle.png
I really don’t understand the dislikes on this, I mean everyone has their own opinion but I can’t see anything wrong wrong with it?
Alright, so, as much as I would like to praise the sun and moon for finally delivering me a chapter on one of the tempestlight stories I thought was dead, I'm not sure how much I like this cheaper/story. The way you portray Celestia is very odd to me, and feels extremely forced for the sake of the story. In the first chapter Celestia shows anger and jealousy for what could easily be described as friendly affection. Then, during this chapter, she complains to Luna about the situation from before and even insults Tempest in ways that even some people who are used to insulting others wouldn't use. Like the example below
Celestia referring to Tempest as deformed really crosses a line for me, especially since she goes on to refer to Tempest as a donkey as well, and mean it to be insulting. You know... In a world where donkeys are sentient and have their own feelings...
All in all, I think Celestia's hate for Tempest is way too forced, and Twilight being so ready to abandon the relationship she's been in for 6 months also feels extremely forced for plot convenience. As well as her hesitation with the relationship even before she found out Tempest had returned. I feel like the pacing for this story really needs to be fixed, Celestia's jealousy needs to be gradual, and Tempest and Twilight need to have more development before they reach the point they have. Otherwise, the interactions between Twilight and her friends feel real, and the way they seem hesitant to believe Twilight could so quickly change who she's interested in also feels real. And while a lot of this comment may be harsh, I'm still interested to see where you might take this, so please author, write on, I will probably continue to follow either way, even if I would much prefer the story to go a different way.
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First of all, thank you so much for reviewing! I'm glad to hear constructive criticism and I'm more than happy to clear up some concerns about the storyline
About Celestia, it is very intentional that she's angry about what was friendly affection. It's meant to be an overreaction to fit the yandere personality she has in this story, and it is displayed in this chapter now to avoid her anger appearing sudden in later chapters. Her ableist and rather racist comments about Tempest were also very intentional. In an earlier draft, Luna even states that they're ableist and racist, but I scraped it in order to make the dialogue seem less "on-the-nose" if that makes sense.
The mentality that Twilight had when she "abruptly" planned on breaking up with Celestia is something that'll be addressed in the third chapter, which will focus more on Twilight and Celestia. Still, I can understand that the story seems rushed as pacing is one of my weaker traits (?) in writing. And because I'm working on several stories outside of Fimfiction, this is meant to be a five-part story. That was something I planned before starting on this story.
I'll be doing my best to fit everything properly in the story. I hope you're still enjoying the story!
Didn't this story used to be complete, with only one chapter?
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Nope. If anything, the story was labelled as "On Hiatus" for a while. Thanks for asking!
Very happy to see the final chapter come up, would definitely read more stories from this time line if you were to post them. 😁
Now you know why he's sending you to confront the villains. If Celestia faces them for sure, she ends up killing them
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I opened this picture, and nearly jumped in surprise! That was extremely unexpected!
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Oh Celestia damn it.
Although Celestia shouldn't get to upset, since Tempest is a mortal, if she truly wants Twilight for herself, she could still wait another century since Tempest will die eventually.
.....shit....
This is just sad, welp were doomed, Twilight your gonna have to kill Celestia now.
Holy crap, welp the elements aren't gonna do anything now.
Also is Applejack seriously blaming Twilight? Seriously?
Kinda expected Twilight to be the one to raise and lower the sun but ok.