• Member Since 7th Feb, 2018
  • offline last seen Aug 10th, 2018

Lightning-Flare


Comments ( 93 )

You need to work on where you place your periods and your quotation marks. I like the concept of this story. You just need a little bit of work and i think this story will turn out good.

Great start i will follow.

Nice grammar kid. I'm guessing you missed a few lessons?

Which eight mares are we talking about by the way?

Checklist ready? Let's go!

Joined the site a few days ago? check.
First story is Mature with sex and anthro? check
Description is literally a jumbled mess? check
Story is basically 100% dialogue? Check
Story involves a male OC (read as self insert) or a male in show character (Normally Spike or Flash)? Check
Has favorites of only the same genre? Surprisingly no.
Edgy Alicorn OC done by a pony creator as his profile pic? Check


Congratulations, sir, you fit a large minority of first time user stereotypes. My advice would be to back up, pick a favorite pony for a profile pic, and go find an editor before continuing any story.

Oh, and I would advise starting with a story that isn't based entirely around clop. Especially not a multi-chapter one. Feel free to go write a couple of slice-of-life one shots.

Dis is going to be a good story

8733454
Pretty much Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkiepie, And Rainbow Dash, And the CMC will be a bonus.

8733483
Thank you so much for the advice I know it will be difficult to read at first but hopefully, I can find an editor soon.Oh and my OC isn't supposed to be edgy or cool or anything just copying the color scheme of Soul's scythe form from Soul eater an awesome anime by the way.

8733214
Thank you very much for the advice I always get confused about what makes sense and what doesn't when writing,

I like this story, needs a bit of work Grammer wise tho. Oh and there will be spilight right?

This looks like it will be a very interesting story in the making.

Definitely going to be following this one...

Ugh. First of all... "Cool military nicknames" rarely happens. You have a far, far, far more likely get something like "Stinky feets" rather than "Unbeatable Gun God". See the episode with Dash and her first official flight with Wonderbolts.
Second... Relationship with eight girls not going to work. Period. Girls need attention (and usually lots of it) and are you have eight of them then it's mean that you either focus on some of them and other drift away or you try to split your attention fairly and each of them geta only a little and all of them drift away.

8733935

Ah, those eight mares.

...damn, here I thought Twilight and Royal Sisters would be part of it...

8734348
Now now I never said there wouldn't be a sequel.

8733935
If it's not going to include Twilight then why is this under spilight plus mares? That got my hopes up :applecry:

8734833
The reason being because I'm on the fence with Twilight that's why i sent her off with Celestia and Luna.To finish the main 5 first and see if I should add Twilight or not.

Some grammatical errors here and there, but not overall too bad. Just keep the pace at a good level and this should be an interesting read.

I'm a bit confused. Are all of them supposed to lose their bets, it looks like only Fluttershy won't have to pay up, and maybe PInkie PIe but this set up just screams "they all lose" to me.

“It helps ya get closer to nature, and teaches ya how to survive without any available water,” Applejack defended. “And besides, its only for a week. It's not like I smell that bad after one of my camping trips, right?” she asked, looking over at the two for confirmation.

''Darling, don’t take this the wrong way, but when you come home...you smell so bad that if a fisher stallion and a street mare had a baby, that offspring’s dirty diapers would smell heavenly compared to you after your so-called camping trips,” Rarity admonished.

“Yeah? Well, ya know what? At least I'm not some city-slicker who can't get a date for all her high talk.”

“What?! That's ridiculous! I have been on many dates. Sure there might be some that I would rather like to forget, but there isn’t a single stallion who hasn’t been enthralled by my exquisite beauty.”

“Trenderhoof, Prince Blueblood, Fancypants,” Applejack retorted, lifting a finger for each name she listed. “Do ya want me to keep going, or ya wanna shut ya trap now? Heck, I’d be pleased to high heaven if Spike got over his crush on you, ya sellout heifer.

I have to say that I LOVE IT when Applejack calls Rarity out on her bullshit when it come to romantic matters. And I would not be surprised if when Spike comes back to Ponyville, he does reveal that he's not a virgin (either Ember, Mina, Persephone, or some other female dragon got his card), and that he and Ember have an on/off relationship that cannot be more than that because of each partner's respective duties of being Dragon Lord and newly-assigned Royal Guard.

...BTW, just in case you were wondering, Persephone is the burping female dragon from Guantlet of Fire...

EDITED on 3/20/2018: I thought the burping female dragon from Gauntlet of Fire is name Persephone, but I was mistaken, her actual name is Prominance. Who knew? If I still fukked up though, please feel free to correct me. :derpytongue2:

I like how you made everyone relatively normal and with humor and cursing its just got more hilarious

ok why they never visited each other?

I've known bigger bets than anyone I've ever met.

Expect heavy blushing, steaming ears, and nosebleeds come next chapter.

Will we see Peewee again?

Welp guess I should get some popcorn ready for the next chapter.

Ever since i saw this post its all i can think of when reading description like this. it just takes away from the story I find. http://thefreshprinceofmirkwood.tumblr.com/post/155125094715/male-writers-writing-female-characters

...was hoping they fuck before his trip. Or at least sex while drunk...

So Pinkie and Fluttershy won their bets, Rainbow and Rarity lost, all we need to know is if Spike had gotten over his crush on Rarity.

What happen to fluttershys,bet I didn't see it anywhere unless I'm blind

8774350
Fluttershy’s bet was that Spike would be the same kind, wonderful dragon he was before he left. (Which, apparently, he is.) And if he wasn’t, then she would have had to walk around Ponyville naked.

Wow, celestia, you're a cheating bitch.

Why does everyone write celestia as evil?

Ponies making bets within an Alicorn bet... that never ends well.

Celestia is going to be in some deep shit when they get to Canterlot.....
and holy buck! Applejack's dream was.....interesting to say the least:ajsmug:

I'mma guessing the sexing!!!!

Pinkie Pie - Foodplay, Vanilla sex.
Fluttershy - Endless, Vanilla sex.
Rarity - Rough, Exhibitionist Vanilla sex.

Celestia is a perv!! I like it.

8832796
I don't see it that way. Then again I haven't watched the series since season 3 so maybe her character changed in the last 5 Seasons.

8832736
In this fic, she’s more of a Chaotic Good.

In any event, people write her as “evil” because there’s so much potential there. The immortal goddess who’s ruled the strongest kingdom in the world alone for 1,000 years...there are a lot of ways to put her in an evil/tyrannical light. Also, a lot of writers want to put their MC’s together with the “bad” girls, (Chrysalis, Nightmare, Dazzlings, etc) and joining forces against Celestia is the easiest way to do that.

8838254
I personally find it more interesting when stories use that to explore how she's maintained her morality over the centuries in the face of so many things that could force her to change.

Hi just want to say thanks for the story so far, im really enjoying this so far, heres hoping spike gets them all & when the Violence comes into play its not to dark, not really into it that much but if the story stays like this then Hell yeah!!!!!!! hahaha thanks again, looking forward to whats to come keep up the great work :)

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