The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Episode 13 [Fancy Pants]: Please welcome to the show Fancy Pants

Series: Equestrian interviews
Interviewer: Jon Stewart
Guest: Fancy Pants
Date: ???
Location: Daily Show headquarters
733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019

THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

---

Whenever Jon takes a trip to Equestria, for business or otherwise, he always found himself having a new appreciation for someone. The last time he went to Canterlot it was to get Octavia on his show and he soon found himself humbled by Earthponies in the music industry which, from what he understood, was a mostly Unicorn dominated field.

This time around Jon's dinner date in Equestria gave him a far better appreciation for the new member of the family, Trixie. Not because she was the one who suggested they get the princess to set them up for a night on the town, though that certainly was a factor. No, this time around Jon found himself forever thankful for Trixie's presence because she helped him get over his massive hangover. A hangover so large that he almost considered having her run the house for the entire day while he and Tracey called in sick.

Considering that Jon was about two or three decades older that he should have been to be consuming the amount of alcohol that was given to him that night, it's not difficult to see why he had a hard time getting up that morning. He and Tracey awoke feelings like someone and jammed a corkscrew into the side of their heads and wouldn't stop turning it. An apt feeling since Jon used an actual more times that night than ever before when he opened bottle after bottle of free wine; all on Celestia's royal tab.

Thankfully it was around this time that Trixie discovered the two delirious adults half passed in their beds, they’re clothes mangled or discarded, and bottles of free wine scattered everywhere. She revealed that she knew a healing spell or two that could cure the bothersome aftereffects that was their big date night. And, after a quick flick of her horn, she did just that. Thought it would have taken a much stronger healing spell to help Trixie’s back which almost snapped in half when Jon gave her a thankful hug for her services.

With a head now free of fog and a body refreshed from a long nights rest Jon was ready to continue his week vacation. And, after a few days passed from then, he was also ready for his interview with his new friend, Fancy Pants.

--

The Show that day went very well. Throughout the first two segments Jon worried that the dreary interior of the backstage waiting room would be not up to standards for the pristine Unicorn. But as his staff assured him later that day he was an absolute gentleman who wanted nothing more than for time to accelerate so he could finally get a chance to talk with Jon one on one…and maybe a cup of tea.

As the camera panned over to the center of the stage it zoomed in on Jon Stewart who was busily flipping in his pen in his hand, occasionally flicking in the air and catching before it landed on the table. The audience had barely begun to lower their volume when Jon officially began the third segment of the show.

"Welcome back...to the Daily show! My guest tonight!" Jon yelled over the audience. "He is a businesspony from Equestria who is widely regarded as 'The most important pony in Canterlot.'" He paused to give the boys in the back time to play the clip made available to them from Celestia.

"Fucking tourists." Jon said, shaking his head back and forth. "Please welcome to the show, Fancy Pants!"

The music that accompanies most guests began to play which to the audience was the first sign to make as much noise and humanly possible. The second sign came in the form of Fancy Pants making his way onto the stage, waving spiritedly at the audience as he made his way to Jon.

He still wore roughly the same attire as he did the night before which by Canterlot standards was considering pretty casual, but to those watching he looked as if he was getting ready to accept an award. In addition he also had a little satchel which was made from only the finest material to match his outfit. Jon met him just as he was about to sit down and shook his hoof. The two of them waved at the audience in unison as if they had done so many times and took their respective seats.

"Welcome to the Daily Show, Fancy Pants." Jon said as he sat down. "And may I say...you look great." Using his magic the blue haired unicorn placed his bag onto the desk and brought his mug of water within arm’s reach.

"Oh why thank you, dear sir," Fancy Pants said. "By the way here, I brought you something." His horn glowed a faint blue aura as he carefully removed a bottle of wine from his bag and onto the table, prompting some audience members to cheer him on.

"It's the same brand as we had last night." He added. "You seemed quite fond of it so I got you another one from my private cellar...good year too, it's almost as old as you." The revelation that Jon had been out drinking coupled with Fancy Pant's unintentional jest of Jon's age made the audience laugh.

"Oh well uh, thank you very much." Jon said taking the bottle and placing it under his desk, as he thought about how much he did not want to touch another drop of alcohol again, less he had a repeat of his headache from that night.

"Now, uh…n-now then before we go any further…I just to make one thing perfectly clear...your name is Fancy Pants," Jon said putting heavy emphasis on his last name. "...Really?"

"Yes, yes I am quite aware," Fancy Pants said. He briefly looked behind him at his exposed bottom half then back at Jon. "Trust me I've heard it all before."

"Oh, I don't think you have." Jon said as he adjusted his tie and played with his pages of notes. "Now...now they call you 'the most important pony in Canterlot'...con-considering that Celestia also lives in Canterlot I mean...why is that? Who--what did you do to get top billing over, oh I don't know, your ruler and god of your world!?"

Before answering Fancy Pants took a deep sigh and used his magic to clear the desk of his bag.

"Oh I do so detest that title," Fancy Pants said. "It was given to me mostly because of my lineage...you see I come from a long line of ponies dating all the way back to the founding of Canterlot."

"Oh I see," Jon said as he scooted closer to his guest. "So your family is uh, well respected in the…Canterlot community?"

"Oh yes, quite right, quite right. You see my great grandfather help establish some of the major boroughs and sections of the city." Fancy Pants explained. "And his father started off poor but supported his family by working hard as a door to door salesman in the area."

The story of Fancy Pant’s family was very intriguing to Jon. However one part of his explanation seemed a bit off.

"W-w-wait…I thought you said his son helped establish Canterlot?" Jon asked.

"Indeed he did," Fancy Pants assured him. "Before that Canterlot was barely a colony."

"Well if that's the case what good would a door to door salesman be if...if there wasn't even a town let alone doors?" Jon asked.

"I said he was 'hardworking,'" Fancy Pants chuckled. "I never said he was smart." This caused Jon to laugh so hard he almost had knocked over his mug of water when he flailed his arm across the table to hold himself up. The audience followed Jon in a laugh of their own while Fancy Pants took a sip of his own water.

"So...so what uh, so what kinds of things do-- did he sell?" Jon asked. "Bonus points if it turns out he was a second hand pants salesman."

"Well to be honest as a traveling salesman he sold a great many things. What you need to understand is this was very early on in the development of territory in that region. So a lot of things were scarce." Fancy Pants answered. "Generally speaking he sold whatever ponies needed most at the time. But from what I gathered he and later on his son made their name as pot dealers."

Jon didn't say anything at this point, though he did look very surprised. He instead remained silent and let his audience fill the void of silence by faithfully cheering at the mere mention of marijuana.

"I'm sorry but...pot dealer?" Jon asked with a straight if a bit confused face.

"Why yes of course, Jon." Fancy Pants reassured him. He picked up on Jon's confusion and decided to further explain. "You see Jon...my great, great, Grandfather found that no matter who you are or what you do you'll eventually need to do some cooking...in his travels he sold many varieties of pots. He sold them to kitchens, households, and even gave a deluxe bundle to Princess Celestia who at the time didn't have a royal cooking set."

The crowd continued to laugh as Jon nodded his head in understanding.

"Oh I see," Jon said rubbing his brow. "He uh, he sold pots and pans...like for cooking soup."

"Well of course he did, dear boy." Fancy Pants said. "Why...what did you think I meant?"

Again Jon opted to not answer but instead slowly turn his head over the audience who laughed at the bewilderment of the guest, who would remain unaware of his ignorance for quite some time.

"Um...what about your family?" Fancy Pants asked to fill the awkward silence. "Were they also in the entrainment industry? Or did they make their living doing something else?"

"Well...I think my great grandfather, on my mother's side, was responsible for relocating the family to America at the turn of the century." Jon said. "As for my father...well my father's side of the family is completely Jewish so for a brief chunk of time we don't really like remember our own history."

The audience chuckled at Jon facetiousness but without proper context on Fancy Pant's part he was left still very confused as to what he was referencing.

"Ok so…we know your grandfather and his old man sold...pot," Jon summarized to get things back on his guest. "But tell me Fancy Pants what...what, what, do you do? Where-- how did you continue your family’s legacy?"

"Well it's not just me Jon...each child born under the Pants family is tasked with making a name for him or herself. For example my brother Spiffy Pants is doing quite well up north as a film director," Fancy Pants answered. "As for me I guess you can call me a pony of industry."

"Alright and what exactly do you produce?" Jon asked. "Again bonus points if it's some kind of pants like entity."

"Well to understand what I do for a living you should know that when I was told I had to go out into Equestria and start my own business I didn't know what direction I wanted to go in," Fancy Pants explained as he used his magic to rub his monocle against his collar. "I eventually looked at what my great, great Grandfather did and decided to follow his business model."

"So you...you sell whatever it is that people need?" Jon asked.

"Actually interesting fact about me," Fancy Pants said as he grabbed his mug of water in preparation. "I've actually never created, sold, or distributed a single thing in my entire life."

As he took a sip of his water the crowd chuckled at the curious look on Jon's face.

"I'm a bit confused." Jon said bluntly "What...uh, that is what exactly do you do?"

"It's quite simple really. I run a company that specializes in...well running other companies." Fancy Pants said. "You see my organization, Fancy Pants Corp, goes around buying small businesses and gives them a safe and effective environment to work in, thus utilizing them to their full potential.”

After his brief explanation Fancy Pants saw an unconvinced look on Jon's face. It was the same look he'd seen from countless others when he revealed what he did for a living, including his own father when he first proposed the idea many years ago. On the surface it sounded as if Fancy Pants was a capitalist pony who went around buying out small businesses to cut the competition but in practice what he did was much more wholesome.

"Allow me to give an example if I may...I remember there was once a major conglomerate up north called Lava Corp, that specialized in manufacturing spare parts for trains and railways. The standard wheels, bumpers, and the like," Fancy Pants explained. "Now then...one of their subsidiaries was a small company that produced wheels and nothing else. Their sales were so low however that Lava threatened to terminate their entire contract and leave them without jobs. Unfortunately their sales remained subpar and as a result their entire staff got laid off."

"I'm assuming this is where you came in?" Jon asked as he leaned back as if to observe him.

"That's correct. After their contract was terminated I confronted the company manager so see if they would want to work for me. As it turned out the reason they didn't do so well was because the Lava Corporation’s work environment was abysmal. They constantly made employees work overtime with little to no inventive and basically forced them to cut corners to make unreasonable deadlines." Fancy Pants explained while trying not to get too riled up. "The crowning moment of Lava's ineptitude was when they refused to order an expensive type of metal that would have almost guaranteed that the wheels would perform better in cold environments. The head foreman in charge refused to make wheels that weren't safe and that was when they all got fired...fast forward to today and that same small tire business now works for me at Fancy Pants Corp, producing tires that have been voted most trusted brand in all of Equestria six years in a row now."

Both Jon and Fancy Pants remained silent as the audience cheered and hollered at idea of a corporation treating their workers with respect.

"Wow...th-that's very impressive." Jon commented. "And what about the other subsets of your company? Do they do just as well?"

"Oh indeed they do, Jon," Fancy Pants answered. "In fact not only are 62% of companies who work under me the top of their field, but as based on last years adjusted earnings statistics each of my subsidiaries have turned a profit."

"I’m not a business man but I must that’s very impressive!" Jon said. "Is there anything you can't do?" Instead of dismissing his question Fancy Pants actually put some thought into an appropriate answer.

"...I can't play golf." He said in a blunt tone that made Jon laugh. "Honestly I'm just awful at the sport."

"Well...that aside...It really seems you really care about everyone who works for you." Jon commented.

"Well yes of course! You see that in a nutshell is my business model. I find ponies who are trying to start a business and nurture them so they can succeed. If you have a great idea for a product then come work for me and I guarantee you'll be put in a safe and productive work environment where the exchange of ideas is encouraged and the product is not put above the employee." Fancy Pants continued. "My company is the leader in benefits, work safety, and the creations of jobs...and not just in Canterlot mind you."

"Oh so you uh...you, you, you also have people working for you in Ponyville and Cloudsdale?" Jon asked.

"Oh my yes, but I've also expanded my reach far beyond that region." Fancy Pants said. "I have imports and exports all over Equestria from Yanhoover to Baltimare...why just recently I received a rather exquisite shipment of tapestry all the way from Saddle Arabia."

Even though Fancy Pant's claims were very impressive, from a business point of view, he couldn't understand why the audience was now laughing at him and why Jon was rubbing his hand across his face.

"Ok...I've accepted a lot of things going into this gig," Jon said in a tired tone of voice. "I've accepted that there's a place called Las Pegasus, I've accepted there's a place called Manehattan. I've even accepted that there is a town called Ponyville...but Saddle Arabia...are you fucking kidding me?"

Fancy Pants didn't answer. Mostly it was because he had no idea what the problem was but also because the crowd's laughter made any explanation at this point too late to dwell on.

"Oh...well anyway going back to your story...uh I mean your company...I must say our business model is a very admirable one." Jon said.

"Yes well…it's my philosophy that a company only does well when you treat it not as a company but as a family," Fancy Pants said. "Although I give full creative control and the final say to the companies I purchase I still try to micromanage as much as possible so I can get to know all the workers employed under me. There hasn't been a single pony working at Fancy Pants Crop that I haven't shaken hooves with at least once."

"Wow. You're like...Bizarro Mitt Romney." Jon said. "You know I'm just going to flat out say it...y-you're not like most rich people."

"Thank you?" Fancy Pants said with a nervous laugh.

"No, no I'm serious! In my line of work I've seen my share of corporate fat cats and...well let me tell ya it's pretty damn hard to find a rich person in this town who doesn't look and act like a Bond villain.” Jon assured him. “So having said that I’m going to tell you this...if you ever...replace your monocle with a uh...uh, uh, with an eye patch and start petting a cat in a swivel chair with a backdrop of the world map I'll take back all those nice things I said about you."

"Well…I'll admit that sometimes we Canterlot folk don't always seem like the most inviting group of ponies and for that I apologize," Fancy Pants said. "But I assure you that deep down all of us only want what's best for others."

"See, right there! That's what I'm talking about! You not only admit that there...that, that sometimes people who live beyond their means are sometimes out of touch but you also apologize for that...do you know who would-- what it would take for one of our guys to do that?" Jon asked an embarrassed looking Fancy Pants. "Because I'll be honest when I first discovered that you were a captain of industry I was surprised to find that your cutie mark wasn’t something like...uh, like a-- you know instead of your three crowns something like three bags with money signs on them or, or something."

Jon's vague description of this alternate cutie mark made Fancy Pants look like he'd seen a friend on the other side of the street.

"Oh no, no, no, no Jon you're thinking of a colleague of mine!" Fancy Pants said. "Yes, good ol' Filthy Rich down in Ponyville...he and his father made quite a name for themselves by cornering the market of zap apple jam."

"Filthy Rich?" Jon said followed by more laughter from the crowd of onlookers. "You know a guy...whose name...is 'Filthy Rich?'"

"Well of course I do. Overall a rather nice chap and a diligent family man…very fit for his age too." Fancy Pants said. "He's actually, if I remember correctly, the richest Earthpony in Equestria. Which is really a great feat when you take into consideration that most wealthy ponies are, like myself, Unicorns. "

"Then what are Earthponies usually known for?" Jon asked.

"Well...Earthponies like everypony else has the capacity to do anything they want and they've proven that time and time again," Fancy Pants explained. "But for the most part a large number Earthpoines are employed for manual labor because of their superior strength. Labor such as working in fields or in industrial factories."

"We have those here in the human world as well. We call them 'Mexicans.'" Jon commented which in turn caused the audience to laugh for a good few seconds. "Now uh...wha-- this friend of yours, 'Filty'...just...seriously? I mean what's his middle name 'Stinkin'?'"

"No, now you’re thinking of his father," Fancy Pants said. "'Stinkin' Rich…he and my father went to school together."

"Ok! I'm done!" Jon said while throwing his arms in the air. Before Fancy could comment Jon got up from his chair and made a motion like he was about to leave the stage, causing both his guest and the audience to laugh and make arm motions as if to coax him into staying.

Eventually Jon did sit back down, and as he did a new topic popped into his head.

"Alright let me ask you this...aside from better, uh w-work environments how else do you use your wealth and influence to better the...the pony community?" Jon asked while making gestures with his hand across the table. When Fancy didn't answer right away he continued with an explanation. "I mean when do you...have you ever done any kinds of charity work or something to that effect?"

“Ah…well yes, yes I do. As a matter of fact I’m putting together a show soon where all the proceeds go to charity.” Fancy explained.

“What kind of show?” Jon asked.

“Well!” Fancy said preparing himself like he was about to give a speech. “I’m putting together a--”

“Because I have an idea or two…’World’s Strongest millionaire!’” Jon interrupted. “Think about it! You and a bunch of other rich ponies get into a steel cage and fight to the death. We can even put you in a singlet, throw some war paint on ya, and give you a ring name like the…’The Canterlot Crusher!’”

While the crowd laughed Fancy Pants did his best to not try to visualize anything Jon had described to him.

“As I was saying…I’m putting together a lovely show for charity, a ballet as it were.” Fancy continued. “With my beautiful partner Fleur de lis as the star.’

“Oh I didn’t know she was an entertainer.” Jon said.

“That’s actually how we met.” Fancy added. “She’s a world class gymnast and dancer…we met once during another charity event quite similar to the one I have planned.”

Usually Jon would have worked this topic more but since he didn’t find his girlfriend that interesting he decided to keep things on his previous topic; giving their small amount of time left.

“Now aside from that does your…I mean do you ever do any other forms of charity through your company?” Jon asked, hoping to see if to expose more about his business practices.

"I do actually. I've lead the charge within my own company to set up a relief fund for cities who come under attack." Fancy Pants explained. "It was an idea that I adopted from a local Ponyville mare by the name of Punch Drunk...it's called the Equestrian relief fund under the Homefront foundation. Basically whenever a major city in the area gets attacked they get fundings, which pulls resources from all my correspondence as well as money from my own estate, to help them rebuild their homes."

Again the crowd cheered at the selflessness of the cultured pony in a neatly pressed suit and bow tie.

"The last time we used the funding to any significant degree was when Canterlot was under attack by the Changlings," Fancy Pants continued. "Our beloved city was covered with green excrements for weeks and a few buildings were damaged."

Jon wanted to ask so many questions, like what are Changlings or why they were invaded but in the interest of time he decided to save that for another day. He instead decided to continue the topic of his relief fund.

"Now you're from Canterlot so you have-- I mean over there you're a well-known figure so it makes sense that you'd pony up, no pun intended, the money needed to help your fellow Unicorns." Jon said trying to sound respectful. "But has this Homefront foundation ever had to use this....uh, this funding for anyone else?"

"Oh well of course Jon. As I said any major city in Equestria is eligible to use our finances when they are in trouble." Fancy Pants answered. "Even towns as close as Ponyville and Cloudsdale have been helped by this funding at one point or another."

"Wait, wait, wait...Ponyville?" Jon asked.

"Of course." Fancy Pants answered.

"So you're telling me...that whenever...whenever Ponyville is invaded you guys front the bill to get them back on their fee--er hooves?" Jon asked.

"If a panel of investors within the foundation deems their requests valid enough to warrant assistant then yes we do," Fancy Pants said. He then shifted the tone of his voice to sound less like he was reading from a contract. "But in the case of our good friends over in Ponyville the answer is 'yes'...whenever they come under attack we help them out."

"How are you not bankrupt right now?" Jon asked causing Fancy Pants to burst out laughing so hard his monocle fell from his face. "Seriously! From what I've heard that place gets invaded like a middle Eastern country with oil." The Joke went over well with the audience but as expected was somewhat lost on Fancy Pants.

"Yes, well...it's actually funny you should mention that because a high ranking official within the foundation actually shared your disbelief," Fancy Pants said making sure not to drop any specific names. "He actually suggested that Ponyville was running some kind of scam since, out of all the cities requesting assistance, they had requisitioned us the most. He believed they were fabricating false claims just to get money or even causing these attacks on purpose...he was so convinced that they were defrauding us that he ordered an investigation to see if they had everything in order."

“Cooking the books, huh?” Jon asked. "Whatever happened the case?"

"It was eventually dropped at my personal request," Fancy Pants answered. "We take grand larceny very seriously but I knew our sister city was being honest with us...granted I did suggest that, although we would happily assist them whenever they needed, they should probably invest in some form of militia."

This caused Jon to laugh more than he had expected. He also dreaded what his wife might say since she already didn't particularity like the idea of him going to Equestria without protection.

"We're almost out of time so before we go I would like...that is to say I want to know a little more about you personally," Jon said. "Like...uh ok we...we know what you do business wise but what are your hobbies...what do you like to do when you're not handing out free money or shaking hooves with constituents."

Instead of answering right away Fancy Pants tilted his head to the side to think for a few seconds about an answer worth talking about. He had one but he was a bit embarrassed.

"This...may not sound very healthy for a colt in my position...but I am rather fond of gambling." Fancy Pants said with an innocent grin. "Don't get me wrong I don't do it professionally or anything to that nature. I just enjoy engaging in the culture on a social level with my close friends and colleagues."

"Any uh, any game in particular you like the most?" Jon asked.

"If I had to pick I'd say the dog races." Fancy Pants answered. "I can't explain it but it's quite invigorating...I even have my own hound that I have somepony take care of and display at the race tracks."

"How different is it when they-- is it different when you're betting on a creature that you can communicate with?” Jon asked. "Are you just like 'Hey dog if you win this race I won't have you fixed.'" As the crowd laughed Fancy Pants just gave the host a look as if he wasn't sure if he was being serious or not.

"Um...Jon," Fancy Pants said, leaning in. "Dogs can't talk." The crowd laughed again but this time squarely at Jon. It was on this day that Jon learned not all animals in Equestria have the gift of speech.

"Oh of course I should have known!" Jon said in a smug, though joking tone. "Now, now you say that you gamble socially with your pals which…I uh…I can, can only assume means they are well off financially like yourself. Am I right?"

"I like to think I have a wide, diverse group of acquaintances but yes a large number of them are wealthy like myself." Fancy Pants answered.

"Now...as a comedian I gotta ask...do you guys ever share upper class jokes with each other?" Jon asked, getting a confused look in return.

"What exactly do you mean?" Fancy Pants said.

"Like well...ok here's one I heard a rich dude say about poor people." Jon said as he made fake gestures like he was stretching. "What do you call two homeless people beating on each other with cardboard boxes...a pillow fight!"

Half the audience laughed while the other half made "aww" noises like they were offended.

"Really?" Jon said to the audience. "That's going over the line?"

"Well...well now that you mention it," Fancy Pants said with a conflicted expression. "I have...heard some of my friends use colorful humor about those who some might consider 'beneath us.'"

"Go ooooon!" Jon said with a grin and raised eyebrows. Before continued Fancy made a face like he was about to back out but after a quick deep breath he continued.

"Ok...why...why does Ponyville have all the Earthpoines and Manehattan have all the sewage centers?" Fancy Pants asked waiting a second before answering his own question. "...Because Manehattan got first pick."

The crowed either laughed or groaned while Jon wrote the joke down on his notes which made Fancy feel somewhat uncomfortable.

"Oh that's a good one." Jon said. "I'll have to remember that for later."

"But it's not like we can't take a joke ourselves!" Fancy Pants assured Jon. "I once heard this joke from an Earthpony back at one of my factories...How many Earthpoines does it take to screw in a light bulb; one, they do it themselves. How many Pegasi does it take to screw in a light bulb; one, they fly up and do it themselves. How many Unicorns does it take to screw in a light bulb--"

"Also one." Jon interrupted. "They use their magic."

"Actually the answer is, zero." Fancy Pants corrected. "They'll hire the Earthpony to do it." The joke was somewhat expected but Jon shared a good laugh with the audience nonetheless.

"You know what Fancy Pants...howsabout you and me head on over to the Alimentaire Cheval, order a bottle of wine or two and just share jokes all night long to help me for when I do standup over there again?" Jon asked as he extended his hand for a friendly shake.

"That sounds absolutely marvelous!" Fancy Pants said as he took the host's hand.

"My man! Thanks again for coming on the show today." Jon said turning to the camera. "Fancy Pants everyone! We'll be right back!"

The crowd cheered and rose to their feet which forced the camera to pan upwards a little higher to get a good shot of Jon and his Unicorn friend. Before going to commercial break Jon leaned in to whisper something into Fancy Pant's ear while he himself awkwardly multitasked by waving at the audience.

Soon the screen filled with The Daily Show logo which quickly disappeared leaving the screen to go black for a few seconds before going to its final commercial break.

Comments

[Phenoix12]

Whenever Jon takes a drip to Equestria

"drip"

Love the story alot but I've noticed several errors of this type in many chapters... Just thought you should know.