The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Samantha Bee (first draft)

As another series of commercials came and went the Daily show seamlessly transitioned to it’s second portion of the show. This was clearly evident by the sound of the the audience cheering as various letters flew onto the lower half of the screen quickly aligning themselves to spell out the name “The Daily Show” with Jon Stewart.

Jon himself quickly said a faint hello himself back to the audience before calmly waiting for them to slow their their praising long enough for him to continue. Filling the time by shuffling his papers or adjusting his ties.

Even though this wasn’t the main event of the show he was still excited to get things moving as he clasped his hands and leaned forward. Ready to unveil a new segment.

“Welcome back... welcome back to the show everybody,” Jon announced, having to pause as his crowd of live audience members still cheered him on. “Now as you know... New york has a multitude of pest problems, whether it be rats, the homeless, or homeless rats. BUT did you know that we’re not the only one suffering? Samantha Bee filled this report.”

The crowd wanted to cheer but were quickly hushed by stand by employees as the show quickly transitioned from Jon to stock footage of the Ponyville as the sound of a voiceover signalled everyone to remain silent for the next few minutes.

The stock footage itself sequenced from one busy street to another with the foreground being the only thing in focus. The title card at the bottom, which satirically mimicked what a news problem could use read “Equestrian infestation.”

And the voice was non other than the self appointed senior pest control correspondent Samantha Bee was already in the middle of her monologue.

“Equestria. A place of tolerance, understanding, acceptance, and talking horses. Truly a place worth living-- a heaven on earth... OR IS IT!?” She said as her voiced curled with disdain as the once scenic looking stock footage turned red and warped.

The next scene swiftly appeared in the form of anchor ponies from various Equestrian news outlets recognizable only to other Equine citizens. For humans, like usual, it didn’t matter who they were but what they were saying.

“New reports shows a steady increase in sightings of parasprites near urban cities and towns!” One black and white earth pony said directly to the camera with a corresponding image

“Several studies, coming straight from Canterlot University, have hinted that the rate in which parasprites have been multiplying may be the biggest ever seen in the history of our nation!” A light blue pegasus with an orange and yellow streaked hair said while standing directly in front of the very college she had mentioned.

“So there I was having a picnic with my very special pony when out of nowhere a swarm of parasprites rushed us and ate all our food!” A pony winned to her three friends as they hosted an early morning talk show celebrity hour.

“What are these creatures who will stop at nothing to destroy our already fragile ecosystems and fuck up our picnics?” Samantha inquired in a preset overdub as the camera shifted to her walking down a busy Ponyville street, looking determined. The scene then shifted to her sitting down in a chair located in a mostly isolated house, directly across from a very nervous looking Pegasus . “To help me answer this questioned I turned to resident animal expert and coward, Fluttershy, to see if she could shed some light on these destructive monsters!”

“Oh well... if you must know... the parasprites are actually very nice creatures.” The squirmish pony said.

“Wait, what?” The overdub said with Sam looking confused

“Um... I know some ponies don’t particularly like them... but really they’re not so bad,” The scared pony continued, her ears bent back, as she was not used to having such interview equipment surrounding her. “I’ll admit that sometimes they can be... just a tab bit bothersome but really they’re not mean or anything.”

“Have yooooou eveeeer considered that maybe some animals aren’t as nice... as you might think?” Samantha inquired making hand gestures like she herself didn’t know either. “Maybe these guys are just dicks.”

“Oh well that’s not a very nice thing to say,” The interviewee continued, her words almost sounding stern but ultimately quite soft spoken as was the case for her entire screen time. “They may sometimes wander into populated town and... well, cause trouble but they’re only trying to find food. It’s perfectly natural.”

“Really? ‘Natural?’” Samantha rebuttled as she pulled out a glossy picture of what an average parasprite looked like. “These things? Cause to me they look like fluffy balls of pure evil.”

The sound of laughter from the audience acted as filler as Fluttershy nervously adjusted her hair as Samantha shoved the picture closer while nodding her head in her own apparent disgust of them. The camera then changed to more pre-recorded footage of samantha; this time depicting her with a microphone, camera at a low angle, as she walked down one of Ponyville’s many streets.

But not everyone shared Fluttershy’s apathy towards the creatures. Local residents found them to be just as invasive and annoying as any infestation.

“They’re... a nuisance- plain and simple.” A brown Earthpony stallion shared his opinions into Samantha’s microphone before switching over to another scene with another interviewee.

“A whole gosh dang swarm of them varmints once ate my entire crop of apples!” A hate wearing mare, who loyal viewers recognized as Applejack said, before one last transition.

“I’ve dealt with them before... they are just the worst,” a yellow Unicorn said, her teil mane extending past her shoulders almost touching the ground. “They may seem cute and cuddly but make no mistake they can be very, very dangerous.”

“Right because anything that looks that adorable, colorful, and numerous has got to be up something right?” Samantha rebuttled as the camera panned out to reveal that many neon colored ponies surrounding them hoping to get into the shot.

“Yes exactly!” The Unicorn replied sounding pleased that her point was being validated.

As the crowd laughed at the apparent ignorance of the pony of the hour the camera switched gears to show Samantha once again at Fluttershy’s house, sitting in her same spot as the little one on one continued as if it never stopped.

“So tell me what exactly a parasprite is?” The human asked while looking at picture. “Cause I’m having a hard time believing something like this could cause so much trouble.”

“Oh well um... you see... a Parasprite is a certain kind of bug native to many regions in Equestria.” Fluttershy began, now noticeably more perky as she enjoyed talking about animals of all sizes.

“Do they have stingers?” Sam asked.

“Oh well... no.” Fluttershy answered.

“Pincers?” Sam continued.

“Um... no.” Fluttershy once again answered.

“Poisonous?”

“Not at all.”

“Carry diseases?”

“Certainly not.”

“Can burrow into my skull and attach itself to my brain forcing me to become it’s zombie slave?”

“Heavens no!”

“Okay soooo... why are people freaking out over these things?” Samantha was finally forced to ask.

“Personally I don’t find them so scary but the reason some ponies are terrified of them is because their metabolism is directly linked with their reproduce cycles.” Fluttershy explained with the camera now looking in Samantha’s direction to get a shot of her raising her eyebrows. “Well... basically when they eat they reproduce asexually... so it’s easy for a swarm to expand in size at an alarming rate.”

My god! It’s worse than I thought!” Sam’s overdubbed voice said as she slowly produced the picture of the parasprite to once again show to Fluttershy

“Pure... evil.” A scared looking Samantha reiterated, emphasizing each word by pointing to the glossy photo.

”So it turns out that evil creatures are guilty of that most heinous of crimes known to the animal kingdom! Reproducing! But to what extent can something so little cause so much damage?” Samantha’s overdubbed asked as more footage of her walking through Ponyville ended with her reaching the center and entering the city halls main entrance and up to a pony receptionist. “If anyone would know it would be local politician Mayor Mare who was the elected official during one of the most destructive instances of Parasprite attacks known to Equestrian history.

Just as the dubbed voice was ending it’s monologue footage of Samantha showed her sitting in a chair located in an office and a very official looking older mare sitting across from her who many viewers recognized as the mayor of Ponyville.

“You were in office during the great Parasprite attack of 2010, right?” Samantha asked which in turn make the white maned Earth Pony nod in agreement.

“Yes, you are correct.” She said in a calm and respectful tone.

“So... how bad was it?” Samantha added.

“Well it started off as almost containable but soon after the swarm multiplied to the point where they were terrorizing the city,” Mayor Mare said while making sure to never break her dignified pose with consisted of head held high and perfect posture in stark contrast to Samantha lurched over. “It got to the point where the entire town has suffered great financial setbacks. Buildings were destroyed, the financial district kept to a halt, and most of our edible resources were gone. For awhile it looked like we were going to completely start over from the ground up. ”

“Are you a psychic prostitute because you are blowing my mind right now! So okay... how did you go about getting rid of them all,” Samantha said in a tone like she was about to hear some good news. “Did you lead an army of ponies with fly swatter, super effective bug spray, but sticky traps on every inch town?”

“Well actually--” Mayor Mare began before being cut off.

“OH, OH, OH I got it!” Samantha interrupted with much anticipation, arms spread out in front of her. “... Giant bug zapper... zzzzzZAP!”

“Actually, as I was saying, we didn’t actually kill any of them.” Mayor mare revealed.

“What?” Samantha said her excitement now where to be seen as the audience laughed at her change in attitude. “Wwwwwhy the hell not?”

“The thing is, I understand there might be some differences in cultural interpretations at work here so allow me to explain how Equestria might be different from your world.” Mayor Mare as she put her hooves together. “You see... here in Ponyville, as is the case with most places in Equestria, we believe that all life, no matter how small, is previous.”

“I see.” Samantha rebuttled, nodding in agreement as he reached off screen to grab a hotdog which she swiftly took a bit out of.

“And when it comes to Parasites, and by extension all insect life, that idea remains the same.” Mayor mare continued as the camera switched back to Samantha now taking a bite out of a rack of baby back ribs.

“Please continue.” Samantha urged, her face smeared with barbecue sauce.

“Yes well... that is why when it came to dealing with the Parasprite we here at Ponyville opted to try a less harmful method of dealing with them.” Mayor Mare added.

“Oh no thank you.” Samantha said to the waiter who was offering her some A1 sauce to go with the sirloin steak she was now eating with a side of lobster stail.

“And that’s why--” Mayor mare tried to continue but was forced to stop at the shattering sound of Samantha using a nearby cracking device to break the shell over the lobster tail. “... And that’s why Ponyville is considered such a nice district to live in... because we always believe in the non-violent approach.”

“Wow, bats smow homerable,” Samantha garbled, her mouth full of lobsert meat. The crowd laughed at how awkward Mayor Mare looked as the human correspondent reached out to show her the lobster tail she was currently eating. “Want some?”

“No I’m good.” Mayor Mare answered, her face looking like she was trying her hardest to hold back a laugh. The scene then changed to a point of view showing the entirety of the mayor’s office which was now a nest of lighting equipment surrounding the three figures. Mayor mare, Samantha, and the waiter who still continued to serve her human guest.

So apparently ponies in this world are all hippies who grow their own food, believe in doing good, and are probably all socialists.” Samantha overdubbed as she continued to eat her steak. “But thankfully I was here to teach this society wimps how to deal with pest problems like only a sophisticated New Yorker can.”

“Wow!” Samantha belched at her waiter as he motioned for him to pour her another glass of wine. “That is fucking strong wine.”

”But to do this I had to go back to the nicest, most caring pony of them all and work my way up.” Samantha voiceover said as the scene changed back to Fluttershy’s cabin

“Sooooo I think I understand why Equestria has such a Parasprite problem.” Samantha began. “But not to worry because now I know a great way to fix it.”

“O-oh r-really?” Fluttershy stated. “That’s such good news.”

“Okay so hear me out!” Samantha added, pausing a moment to dramatic effect. “Instead of just relocating them... you kill them.”

The very idea causes the Pink-maned pegasus to scrunch her nose in protest.

“Oh dear... that’s not good news at all.” She criticizes.

“Remember... pure evil! Besides it’s perfect!” Samantha argues back. “If you exterminate them then they don’t bother you and they get to go to Parasprite heaven. It’s a win-win!”

“Oh well um... is there really such a place called Parasprite haven?” Fluttershy asks.

“Yeeeeaaaaah suuuuuuure.” Samantha answered with a not so certain look about her. Fluttershy wasn’t convinced.

“I’m sorry but... there is no way I could ever endorse an act that causes harm on such an innocent creature.” Fluttershy stood her ground as she crossed her hooves in defiance. “That just wouldn’t be right!”

“Oh come ooooon all cool ponies are doing it!” Samantha tried to convince as the crowd laughed.

Showing that the yellow and pink pony was not willing compromise Samantha reaches off screen to grab a what looked like a colorful ping-pong ball but was actually a scale replica of a parasprite.

“Okay how bout this... we’ll practice.” Samantha offered, as she showed Fluttershy the model replica in the palm of her hand. “I have here a perfect scale model of what a parasprite looks like... I want you to slap it out of my hand.”

“Oh goodness no, I could never!” Fluttershy protested at the callousness of it all. “I mean it’s just a poor little guy who never did anything to--”

“Okay you do know this is a fake... right?” Samantha asked.

“Um...y-yes but... it still would an awful thing to do.” Fluttershy answered. “I mean I might accidently hurt your hand.”

“Eh, who cares.” Samantha blurted. “Come on... do it... give it a try.”

For a split second it looks like Fluttershy was actually contemplating it as she leaned in to get a better look at it. Feeling like she had finally convinced her Sam leaned her hadn in further which only made the already fragile Pegasus lerch backwards into her seat.

“Eeeek!” She screamed. “I-I... I can’t!”

”UUUUUUGH this was getting me no where!” Samantha’s voice over groaned as the footage depicted her leaning back and tossing the figure behind her shoulder in frustration. “If I was going to get any change done here I needed to talk to the ponies who were directly responsible with getting rid of the previous infestation and try to see if I could convince them to see things my way. Which reminds me...”

The image of Samantha tilting her head to the side quickly switched over to her once again in the main office of Mayor mayor.

“So who exactly saved this town from the Parasprites?” Samantha asked.

“Well it was a joint effort by Twilight and her friends,” Mayor Mare answered in a proud town. “The town foremost protectors... as you may know they are the Elements of Harmony.”

”Of course! The mane six! If there was anyone who knew a thing or two about protecting towns from invading forces it would be those girls!” Samantha said as her on screen image showed her having a looking of realization as the scene changed once again to another room with another interviewee ready to go. This time in the middle of a house belonging to none other than Twilight Sparkle. “I sat down with the leader of the Elements of Harmony Twilight Sparkle to get her take on the Parasprite problem.

“So Twilight... um, I’m sorry, can I call you Twilight?” Samantha asked in a giddy tone as she nervously played with her hair.

“Of course!” Twilight giggled, excited about once again getting the chance to share her knowledge to the world via television once again, as evident by the stacks of books surrounded her chair like a makeshift wall. “Huge fan, by the way. Ask me anything!”

“Okay soooo.... Twilight! I’m here to get your opinion on the ever growing Parasprite problem, as a pony who had dealt with them before in the past,” Samantha gleefully began. “So on a scale of one to ten... how badly should we exterminate them?”

“Actually I’m not in favor of exterminating them at all. They’re not as bad a problem as they seem, with some obvious exceptions but even then they can be properly regulated.” Twilight answered as she occasionally looked at her notes before using her magic to make a book fly to her. “Furthermore I’ve done some research on famous cases of infestations and the exterminating of animals and in most cases it never ends well.”

Using her powers she made the book fly open and immediately go to the page she wanted, taking turns looking at a passage and at Samantha herself.

“Historically speaking wiping out a group of animals, for any reason whether it be for sport, food, or otherwise is never a good thing. It can have drastic effects on the ecosystem both in terms of other animals as well as humans.” Twilight continued. “I’ve researched your world and I found that the leading cases of the bubonic plague was a scourge of rats... but the reason the rat population got out of hand was because puritans at the time killed a large number of cats, particularly black cats, because they were a sign of bad luck. In this case the mass killing of felines directly results in a population boom of rodents which meant the plague could spread more and kill more humans.”

“Yeah well... in that case all we would need to do next is just kill all the rats.” Samantha suggested.

“But you don’t understand. Rats are a good source of food for other animals like birds, snakes, and wolves.” Twilight countered. “If we take away one of their major food sources what would we do about them?”

“Easy we just kill them too.” Samantha responded by wiping her hands together. “Problem... a-solved!”

With proper editing the crowd laughed at Twilight looked onward at Samantha with a unbelieving look in her eyes. For her it was even odds whether she was being serious or not. The footage then skipped briefly to where Samantha was about to ask another question.

”It it would seem that Ms. Sparkle is just about as much of a hippy tree hugger as everyone else in this world.” Samantha’s overvoice said. “But if my sources were right she got rid of the Paraspite problem once before... so I knew she’d com through for me now!”

“If you don’t believe in extermination then answer me this.” Samantha continued. “How did you... single handedly deal with the Parasprite invasion that happened right here in this town all those years ago.”

“I, well... if I’m being perfectly honest I wasn’t the one who ultimately relocated them away from Ponyville.” Twilight admitted.

“Really?” Samantha blurted, her face a mixture of disappointment and continued frustration. “Then... who did.”

“Well see in the end Pinkie Pie was the one who--” Twilight began but was ultimately cut off by the sight of Samantha getting up from her seat and leaving the room to a chorus of laughter from the audience who watch as Twilight confusingly leans to the side as she calls out.

“Um... is the part of the interview?” She asks, getting the sound of her door slamming as Samantha walks outside.

”Okay well that was a dead end. Ahem, anyway as I was saying...” Samantha began as the footage showed her walking a few feet in a direction and arriving at a pastry shop and sitting at a familiar setting in front of a pink Earth Pony barely able to sit still. “I met up with a group member of the Elements of Harmony, Pinkie Pie to get her take on the Parasprite problem.

“Okay Pinkie... I’m just going to be straight with you,” Samantha began, determined to get straight to the point. “You were the pony who drove the Parasprites out of Ponyville, correct.”

“Oh, yes indeedey!” The pink mare squaled as she swiveled in her chair only to face Samantha again. “Those pesky, persistent, parasprites didn’t stand a chance to my tuba and accordion!”

“Okay sure,” Samantha nodded in confusion. “Now then... after you successfully herded the parasprite out of Ponyville how did you go about dealing with them so they wouldn't cause any more trouble?”

“Oh I didn’t do any of that stuff!” Pinkie admitted.

“Excuse me?” Samantha interjected as swiftly as she could with a look of dread across her face.

“All I did was send those meanie ol’ Parasprites packing to the next town,” She elaborated. “I didn’t do much except get them out of Ponyville. In faaaaaaaaaaact I hear the next town over had to call in reinforcements.”

“Son of a bitch!” Samantha jeered as she barged out of the interview with Pinkie cheerfeely waving good bye.

“Thank you for visiting Sugar Cube corner!” She announced. “Come again soon!”

”Okay this is getting ridiculous! Who was the one who actually disposed of the Parasprites after they invaded Ponyville?” Samantha asked as the footage of her alternating between interviewing random ponies, visiting libraries, pretending to type on her laptop, and using a magnifying glass on layed out diagram of pictures with connecting yarn on the wall of a dark room. “After hours of tireless research I eventually found the answer to that very question with my travels eventually taking me to a quaint little town known as Canterlot.”

The footage continued with the camera positioned behind a pony’s head inside a room in typical interview fashion with Samantha sliding into her chair and adjusting her notes without making eye contact.

”In order to get the infor I wanted this seemingly unknown individual agreed to meet up with me to tell me her side of the story and finally get some answers about proper ways to deal with Parasprites.” Samantha said before the footage of her showed her finally looking up at the pony she was to interview only to quickly sport a face of absolute surprise.

“Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me.” Samantha said before the camera changed positions to reveal that the pony sitting in front of her was Celestia.

The crowd began cheering and applauding at the sight that was Equestria's god and protector as Sam nervously looked around her to further understand the implications of her present location. Instead of some half abandoned room with which one would usually use to set up an interview like this they were in a throne room. Instead of the interviewee sitting in a typical black hold out chair she was sitting in a jewel encrusted golden throne.

“Wait... it was you!?” Samantha finally manages to say. “You were the one who vanquished the Parasprites!?”

“Well I wouldn't quite use the term ‘Vanquish’ my dear, but in regards to your inquiry about the Parasprite infestations that occurred over in Ponyville all those years ago... yes I was the one who ultimately dealt with them.” Celestia answered as delicately as possible as the camera shifted to show Samantha at a loss for words. “I was supposed to visit Twilight and her friends for a royal meeting when I heard new about the next town over being over run by the creatures. So, feeling that I could help out my loyal subjects, I swiftly arrived at their town and used a magic spell to safely dispel the insects so that their numbers were too few and too spread out to cause much trouble. I assure you it was quite humane.”

Okay seriously what the fuck! Apparently the bug problem here in Equestria is so bad they have to get their fucking god to take care of it! Weeeell problem solved! You want to save your garden from parasprites? Well you better be have the powers of deity to do it!” Samantha voiced in a sarcastic tone as her footage self banged her head against her clipboard while Celestia looked onward, silent giggling. “Come one that’d be like if Obama used an air drone to carpet bomb alley rats.”

Her banging her head continued for a few more seconds before the scene changed once again to Samantha once again walking down one of the streets of ponyville where she eventually found herself on the edge of a cliff. Gazing over side at a roaming fields of green as her own voice played in the background.

“But maybe this was for the best. Maybe this world wasn’t ready for my brand of ideas and cultural values... but how knows, someday that might change. But for now if the ponies of this world wanted to defend themselves from the scourge that was more parasprites they would need to come to their senses sooner or later. I know just the pony who will teach them the ways of us humans.”

“Okay... hit it.” Samantha said, now back at Fluttershy’s house once again holding out the model Parasprite.

“I... I-I don’t think I can.” Squeals Fluttershy in a low tone.

“You can do it!” Samantha urged on. “I believe in you.” Hearing such words of encouragements, though entirely for the wrong reason, made the soft spoken pony weakly extend her hoof. Her head looking in the opposite direction and her eyes tightly shut like a child about to receive a flu vaccination.

Her hoof get’s dangerously close to the model insect. Now inches away Samantha is ready to congratulate her on a job well done when a shriek pierced the silence, followed by Fluttershy falling off her chair and barrelling towards the door away from Samantha.

“I CAN’T DO IT!” She bellows as the footage freezes and zooms in on Samantha’s disspointed face.

What follows is a smooth transition back to the Daily Show stage where Jon can be seen just finishing laughing as he flips his pen in the air and once again addressed the audience.

“Samantha Bee everyone,” he announced to a soon to be cheering crowd. “We’ll be right back.”

The crowd cheered at not only the report that was just filled but also by the fact that they got to witness the first time the Daily show had a segment on Equestria that wasn’t the thrid act’s interviews.

Their screams told Jon that not only was this a good idea but that there were so much room for more of these that he could barely wrap his head around it.

As the crowd continued their extended cheering the Daily Show logo launched itself onto the screen where it promptly disbanded bringing forth the end of the segment by way of darkness and the next grouping of commercials.

Author's Note:

Years ago I stopped writing here, but never published a few stories that were being edited at the time. For the hell of it here they are.

Comments

[RBronyReader446]

That was funny I wish this was published befor

[Salen]

Other than a few mistakes that could be cleaned up with editing, this really takes me back to the days when this WAS being updated constantly and when Jon Stewart was still on The Daily Show. I miss both dearly. Today was a good day to enjoy some Pony + The Daily Show nostalgia.