The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Jessica Williams 1 (Rough Draft)

The sound of numerous fans cheering could be heard as the the tech team had the camera zooming from Jon’s lower left side. Of course he himself didn’t see this, as he was pretending to write down important information, but he had been doing this show long enough to accurately count down the seconds in his head.

Soon the camera was made it’s way to facing the desk straight away at the same time Jon looked up to address the those watching while still aimlessly jotting down “important” notes.

“Hey everyone welcome back!” Jon roared over the still cheering audience while his writing now devolved to simply scribbling in high speed circles. “Ya know we as Americans are blessed to live in such a... absolutely perfect.”

The crowd had just quitted themselves only to burst laughing at Jon’s hyperbolic claims.

“But others feel that this in, in fact, not the case and feel like we could be better! One area in which we seem to do poorly in is our capacity for identifying important figures. Studies show that the average American doesn’t know who their own congressman is, can’t even name at least half of our past presidents, and there are even a percentage of those in school who can’t even find Europe on a map and... and I mean c’mon how hard is it I mean it’s right fuckin there!” Jon ranted before pausing to comically take a deep breathe like a he was a practicing monk. “But while our government, instead of education, spends billions of dollars to go to war in far off countries that most americans have never even heard of... we can at least take solace in knowing that, when it comes to the topic of basic recognition, there are those out there who are... way worse than us. Jessica Williams filled this report.”

With the editing structured the way it was the sound of the audience loudly cheering and applauding quickly died down when the image switched to stock footage of busseling New York streets. Giving Jessica the perfect opportunity to began her monologue.

”When it comes to us Americans we are far too busy with the everyday struggles of living in a first world nation to worry about trivial matters like who the vice president is, or how to get in contact with our local representatives. We more than make up for it with our vast knowledge of important issues like that seemingly unknown Youtube video has gone viral and which celebrity is marrying who. I’m looking at you Clooney.“ Jessica’s overdub said in a forced proper tone as the footage continued to run. Soon afterwards the camera which still showing birds-eye view shots of New York panned upwards with great speed like google maps to show stationary shot of the entire planet. “But for those who live in much further, seriously less awesome, cultures things... couldn't be more different!”

The camera shot of Earth then began to pan slowly to the left only to widely swing and fly forwards in such a way that left people wondering if this really was a digital animation or real life, considering the story. The camera then zoomed in past a small cluster of stars only to zero in on one planet which was as brightly colored as it’s inhabitants.

”Take of culture of talking ponies known as Equestria for example where, according to various studies, nearly every citizens has basic knowledge and understanding of important figures both in and outside of their own community.” Jessica continued as reused stock footage of ponies either wandering around, or talking to each other filled the screen. This scene was short lived however as it transitioned to multiples graphs flying on the screen, giving the viewer little time to read it before Jessica finished explaining it. “A report conducted by pony researchers of at Canterlot State University states that 94% of Equestrian citizens not only know who their respective representatives but have also at one point written to them about important issues. According to a census done by researchers in Manehatten 87%, ponies who live in town that have a democracy based government, knows who ever pony is on a voting ballot. And, this shit is true I’m not making this up, 99.9% of ponies know who Celestia is! You wanna know who that .1 percent of people are? Freaking babies who can’t even talk yet.”

The next scene showed Jessica standing in the middle of a semi-busy road shaking her head and looking frustrated as ponies walking past here. For this establishing shot the ponies in the area were asked to pretend to be busy and try their best to ignore her. Though the handful of glancing eyes and gawked stares were still inevitable as they were not at all used to see a six foot tall black women with braided hair that went down to her chest.

”But aaaanyone can fake a proper scientific report that takes years of calculated research done by top professionals in respected academic fields. No, if this reporter wanted to find the truth about this topic she needed to go straight to the source.The people themselves!” The overdub said as on screen Jessica, with new purpose, bolted down the road only to the have the scene change to her standing next to a pony while adjusting herself. “I took to the streets to see just how knowledge these four legged creatures actually were!

“Okay so I’m going to ask you a question about local figure heads and I want you to try and answer the best you can.” Jessica explained to a pink pegasus with multi-yellow streaked hair. “Understand?”

“Yes I do!” The giddy pony said unable to decide whether to star at the towering human looming over her or at the camera man.

“Now don’t feel like you need to respond right away.” Jessica continued. “I understand if you get stuck so take as much time as you need to answer.”

“Okay!” the pony responded now using her gift of flight to get on Jessica’s eye level, clearly still excited.

“Okay now who-- are you sure you’re ready?” Jessica said holding her hand out defensibly.

“Mm hmm!” the pegasus hummed.

“Okay then... who is... the highest ranking political representative in your district!? Jessica finally asked.

“Mayor Mare!” The pony shouted which made the human viewer lean back in surprise as she pretended to suffer from ear pains.

“Okay wow... you uh... didn’t even have to think about it did ya?” Jessica asked.

“No not really,” the pegasus chuckled. “She’s been our mayor for a real long time now and... in fact... she’s right over there.”

Before Jessica had the chance to shockingly spin around the camera panned out to get a wider view of the almost empty street they occupied to show that the town mayor was indeed close by. Chatting with a friend as they both did their shopping.

“Hi Mayor Mare!” The pegasus called out.

“Oh, hello Spring Wind.” Mayor Mare waved back.

”Okay that one didn’t count! I mean c’mon A pony called Mayor MARE in a place called PONYville. That’s way to easy to remember! I mean hell, I’d know who my Senator was if his name was Human Mc Dude guy.” Jessica’s overdub said as her on screen person walked off in a huff only for the there to be a transition with her now standing similarly with a new pony, this time with Jessica having the crouch down since it was a foal. “I mean sure an adult pony would know this stuff but let’s see how just how knowledgeable their children are.”

“And what’s your name?” Jessica asked the little green earthpony with pink hair.

“Tea leaf.” She answered

“Okay Tea Leaf I’m going to ask you a question about Ponyville and I want you to answer it. Got it?” Jessica asked with the filly nodding her head. “Okay... who... was the founder of Ponyville.”

“Uuuuuh... OH I know who!” She shrieked. “It was ‘Chancellor Puddinghead.’”

“Wrong it’s-- wait really?” Jessica asked, now befuddled. “I thought Celestia founded this place.”

“Nope. She owned the land it along time ago cause she’s the princess but it wasn’t until a whole buncha families came along and started establishing settlements that it became an actual town.” the little pony explained. “They asked and Celestia said they can have it, but before that it was just a buncha nothing.”

“Alright, alright you got me there... but you’re so smart then answer this one!” Jessica said before looking back at her notes. “Who is... the leader of Saddle Arabia.”

“Uuuum... that would be... an earth pony named Amira.” the young pony answered correctly.

“Okay seriously how are you doing this.” Jessica asked which made the filly giggle. “How... how do you know all this stuff?” Jessica asked

“I learned it in school.” she answered.

“So you’re telling me the youth of Equestria actually learn things in school about their culture, retain it, and actually remember it further down the line as everyday knowledge?” Jessica demanded to know in a panicked voice. “I-is that what you’re telling me.”

“Yep.” she said.

“What the hell kind of place is this!?” Jessica asked as she turned to look over her shoulder and then in all directions.

”Could it really be true? Could it be that the reason citizens from Equestria know so much about their own people is because they learned it all in school? Can there really be a direct correlation between the amount of knowledge someone has and the amount of education they received?” Jessica’s overdub contemplated as the next scene depicted her in a train getting which was just starting to reach it’s terminous. “To test this theory I ventured to one of the most educated cities in Equestria, Canterlot, a place with some of the longest running institutes of learning. To see just how smart these guys really are.”

The next scene showed Jessica walking down a street in canterlot proper with the camera facing the back of her head only to shift dramatically to show her stern face. As with the Ponyville segment in transitioned with her standing to the side of a pony.

“Okay so... who is the highest ranking political figure in your city?” Jessic asked a random pony she managed to snag, in this case a silver stallion with a magenta mane that barely covered his horn.

“That would of course be Princess Celestia.” He answered before the camera transitioned to Jessica standing next to an off white mare with golden hair. She was asked the same question but the scene had already skipped ahead for the benefit of the viewer.

“She rules over Canterlot, as well as all of Equestria side by side with her sister.” she answered before the scene changed again to yet another pony.

“Of course she didn’t always govern these lands with Luna.” A new pony said, each jump forward depicted Jessica getting more and more frustrated.

“Over a 1000 years ago, when Luna tried to take over the kingdom, Celestia banished her to the moon.”

“At the time Celestia ruled all by herself since Cadance was too young to help run things.”

“A few years back we actually had a three-way monarchy here in Canterlot for the first time, between Celestia, Luna, and Cadance.”

“This was short lived however because Cadence eventually left live at the Crystal Empire where she is now her own Princess.” The final pony said, with Jessica looking tired. “Along side her husband Shining Armour who used to be captain of the guards here in Canterlot as well as--”

”Holy shit these dudes really do know everything! But what was it that made it their education system so much better than ours?” Jessica’s overdubbing stated while the on screen interview was still going on, though was now much harder to actually hear. “How could it be that their citizens were so much more enlightened than ours to the point that-- holy shit is this pony still talking!?

The crowd laughed at on screen Jessica who was still holding the microphone non-committally at the pony, looking like she was either bored or very annoyed. The laughter still continued as the camera shifted to a new scene which showed Jessica walking through Canterlot Castle.

“To help me get to the bottom of all this I set out to Canterlot Castle to talk with this world most powerful and influential leader, Princess Celestia.” Jessica said as the screen showed stock footage of Celestia signing papers, chatting with other ponies, and walking towards the camera in an establishing shot. “To get her opinion on what made her citizens so knowledgeable on the subject of important and iconic figures.”

“So I’ve been interviewing some of your people lately and I’ve noticed that they are like... hella smart about stuff.” Jessica said with accompanying hand motions to make her point with Celestia chuckling. “The general census seems to be that the reason equestrian citizens know so much about their own people is because your education system which. Is this true?”

“Absolutely! I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging but Equestria, Canterlot in particular, has some of the finest institutes available for properly developing the minds of young ponies.” Celestia answered. “The reason being that here in our world we put--”

“I-I’m sorry I just... I just wanna say... holy shit! I can’t believe I’m actually talking with Princess Celestia!” Jessica shrieked with her hand clenched fist against her mouth. “Hell yeah! I knew if I kept working at this dead-end job It would eventually pay off!”

Usually Celestia would be quite adept to responding to such outbursts from adoring fans but her claims towards the end left her awkwardly trying her best to not look at the camera while Jessica began to fish around in her front pocket for something.

“Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, let me get a get a quick picture so I can show my home girls!” Jessica said before getting up from her seat.

Without asking she rounded Celestia’s chair and wrapped her arm around her shoulder while standing behind her, leaning against her in such a way to put emphasis on how much taller she was. Having Jessica practically engulf her from behind Celestia didn’t even notice that she, with her free hand, had she swung her phone around to the front.

“Okay! Strike a pose!” Jessica instructed.

“Um wha--” Celestia managed to say before was caught off guard by a bright flash of light. She wouldn't seen it right away but this was once case where Jessica’s duck face wasn’t the most ridiculous looking expression when compared to Celestia’s unappealing look of confusion.

By the time her vision had returned Jessica had already sat back down and was now playing with her phone. She made sure to set the volume on high prior so that it was clear she was typing away.

“Oh hell yeah this one came out nice! I’m so tweeting this!” Jessica said before noticing that Celestia was still present. “Oh yeah uh... go ahead and talk about your education thing or... whatever.”

This was an act. She knew it was an act. But like a peice of bread coming out of a toaster she saw it coming but it still surprised her.

“Well I... y-yes as... I was saying... w-we here in Equestria put a great deal of emphasis on our education system. As cliche as it may sound, It’s our philosophy that children are indeed the future. Canterlot in particular always sets aside massive fundings for schools both private and public. This makes attending very affordable and gratifyingly many other states have followed our example.” Celestia managed to say. “This development has made it so being a teacher is now one of the highest paying jobs in our community which makes it one of the most sought after careers one can have. This of course means that more ponies want to become instructors which means more opportunities for the children to learn.”

This statement alone was enough to make Jessica look up from her phone.

“I don’t want to go into any deep details otherwise we’ll be here all day, but basically our education system is based on the idea that every student learns differently. We use teaching styles to better cater to each students preferred styles.” Celestia explained. “For example lets say a group of students do better through positive reinforcements while another excels more with negative reinforcements. Obviously having teaching both groups at the same time wouldn't work so in that scenario we would have two classes teaching the same subject, each with a different teaching format. And this is made possible with the amount of resources this provided.”

There was no follow up question from Jessica. Instead just a vacant stare of continued disbelief.

“Also our second most popular career field is science and medicine,” Celestia added. “Which devotes a substantial amount of time and energy in figuring out ways to improve our education.”

The crowd laughed at Jessica throwing her hands in in frustration as the camera turned to show Celestia almost looking proud.

“Holy shit no wonder you guys know so much! How the hell do you guys manage all of that!? ” She demanded to know. “I mean... hell back I come from our schools are so underfunded and understaffed I had to kill my friend just to get her spot on the waiting list at a community college. And don’t even ask about what I had to do to attend CSU, Long Beach.”

“Well I’m certainly no expert on human culture but from what I have I have learned through all my years of watching your programs I think the issue lies with proper funding distribution.” Celestia answered. “It is my understanding that your government puts a heavy emphasis on its military over all other bureaus. But over here it’s somewhat of the opposite.”

“That’s right. Back in the human world you can add up the fundings education got in the past ten years and it wouldn't even come close the what our military gets in one year!” Jessica’s overdub stated as the scene transitioned to an animated bar graph. “However, according to studies done by researchers here in Canterlot it is indeed the opposite. Their military is one of the lowest funded department. In fact, statistically speaking whenever there's a spike in the amount of funding that education gets the usual department that’s gets cut is, you guessed it, their military.”

“So y’all like... don’t have an army?” Jessa motioned with a shrug.

“Not in the strictest sense of the world no.” She answered. “Many towns have private militias occupied by townspeople and here in Canterlot our royal guards double as our law enforcers. Even Cloudsdale’s own beloved entertainers the Wonder Bolts are swift first responders for whatever crises arises in the area.”

”So that’s how they do it here? Say what you will about America but if a giant monster ever attacked us we’d take that fucker down down in 20 seconds flat.” Jessica stated now with her back on the streets. “But here in Equestria if an ancient evil rises from the depths of hell and kill 99% of the population you can be sure that future generations will be smart enough to know the name of the guy who did it.”

The crowd laughed before and during another transition shot that showed Jessica back on random streets in unspecified towns. The shot included her walking down said street looking in all directions thoughtfully as the voice over came back.

”So it seems despite no one ever wearing any clothes everyone has a pair of smarty pants lying around ” Jessica explained as she took a turn around a corner, the camera fading and coming back to herself back into the Main Canterlot directory. “I still didn’t believe that every single pony can be this knowledgeable so I spent the rest of day Interviewing as many ponies as I could... and well... yeah, this is what I found.”

The voice faded to show jump cuts of multiple interviews conducted by Jessica on a variety of ponies and town. Each edited to just show them giving the right answer to every question she had prepared..

“Celestia.”

“Luna.”

“Baltimare.”

“10, 000 years ago.”

“Starswirl the Bearded.”

“Winter Wrap up.”

“The Crystal Empire.

“General Firefly.”

“And this light switch controls the lights.” A pony in his own house demonstrated by flicking a switch before going to the one right next to it. “And this one controls the ceiling fan.”

After the last pony gave an answer the screen showed Jessica walking back into the streets of whatever city she was in. Soon after she was now depicted interviewing random passing ponies only this time her on screen person was mute so that her overdub could have emphasis.

”Okay so maybe this world was way smarter than us, for obvious reasons, but that doesn’t mean they’re without fault. No one is perfect which is why a majority of Americans can’t even name all 50 states” Jessica’s voice said as she continued to go from pony to pony on screen. “I had just about given hope of finding something they didn’t know when something incredible happened.

“... and it’s because of her that why we celebrate it at the end of each winter.” A pony finished answering as the audio came back mid sentence.

“Uuuuuh... okay find, new topic.” Jessica dejectedly sighed as she briefly glanced at her notes. “Who are... theeee elements of harmony?”

“The elements of Harmony are split between six categories,” the pony answered. “Magic, laughter, generosity...”

”Wait, hold up.” Jessica said as the camera switched to show her now surprised facial pause.

“...kindness, loya--” The pony continued.

“No, no, no, no. I didn’t say what are the elements of Harmony,” Jessica interrupted. “I asked WHO are the elements of harmony. I’m asking if you know who are the ones who control them.”

“Oh, uuuuh... okay, um,” The pony stammered. “Well... I-- okay let’s see here.”

The more the interview stammered the more his voice began to trail until he eventually remained silent in favor of concentrating on an answer. His mouth moved as he mouthed off ideas there were forming in his head. But neither a definitive or an attempt at answering. He was stumped.

”Holy shit I think I found it!” Jessica announced as the scene shifted to another pony.

“Who are the Elements of Harmony?” Jessica saying getting right to the point. “And just to be clear I’m asking who now own them not what they are.”

“Okay, so the elements of harmony...” The new pony stalled. “Let’s... let’s see...”

Before she could finish the camera transitioned to another pony who, like the previous two, were asked the same question. Resulting in a predictable outcome.

“Uuuumm... the uh... oh gosh I know this one.” She said before the camera went from new pony to new pony.

“Well they are the... um... okay I know they exist.”

“Okay so the elements used to belong to... oh, right now any more so now they... um.”

“Well surely one would think that... they... okay give me a minute to think...”

“The... the elements are... I mean they belooong to... um... shoot! I know this one!”

“The elements are owned by somepony know? OH RIGHT THEY ARE! That’s right, that’s right they belong to... to... um... wait a minute... hmm...”

“Um... okay... they are... um... they... um... belong to... um.. c-could you give me a hint?” One pony mother standing next to her kids asked.

“Yeah, they all live in this very town?” Jessica answered as the camera panned out to reveal that this particular interviewing was taking place in Ponyville.

“Wait really!?” She responded.

“Are you serious right now!?” Jessica countered now motioning to her foals. “You and your kids would probably be dead if it weren’t for them.”

“Okay gimme a sec to think!” The pony asked.

”Holy shit! It seems like these ponies know just about everything about everyone... except for Twilight and her friends. I mean how the hell do you know or recognize someone as important as a pony who saved their asses multiple times!?” Jessica questioned as the scene changed to show her now inside a building as she sat down opposite of her next guests. “To get their thoughts on this matter I sat down with the owners of the Elements, otherwise known as the Mane 6.”

“So how do you guys feel knowing that you... the owners of the elements of harmony, literally the protectors of all that is Equestria! The living embodiments of the Elements that make up this world! Who have harnessed the power of Harmony, making you the single more powerful entity in this entire universe!” Jessica built up with the camera still on her the entire time. “How does it feel knowing that you're practically unknowns among your own people.”

With that the camera finally shifted to show the six ponies sitting across from her. Already the audience started to laugh.

“Um... we’re not... the owners of the Elements of harmony.” One point said.

“Yeah I’m... pretty sure you got the wrong ponies, miss.” Added another.

The laughter only grew when a very confused looked Jessica dug her hand into her pocket to pull out a photo. A photograph which depicted the man 6 and their respective pets standing in a group pose for a camera. She glared it for a moment before looking back over at her current guests.

The camera angle changed once again to an over the shoulder shot that showed the picture being held by her. She then moved said picture off to the side with the camera still in the previous position to show the six ponies in the background ahead. Switching from moving the picture in front of viewers to moving it away she eventually held it off to the side so the camera could get a good shot of a side by side comparison.

And while the ponies present did very much look like the ponies in the picture (such as color schemes being close if not exactly the same) there were some tell tale signs that Jessica got the wrong guests. There were less noticeable differences like different shades of hues in one’s mane and coat and hair styles being off. But when viewed together one could see how some ponies didn’t match up in terms of gender, subspecies of pony, and the fact that one of them was a donkey.

“Oh whoops... sorry,” Jessica apologized as she began to get up from her seat. “I must have grabbed the wrong ponies... my bad.”

Before anyone in the room had time to respond Jessica had already exited the room. But not before turning off the lights and leaving the six random would be guests alone and confused in the random house the show rented out for this report.

”Okay so that didn’t work out as planned. Let’s try that again?” Jessica said as her on screen self checked the picture again, looked around with one hand shielding her eyes, then walked down another street at a quick jogging pace. The camera changed angle adequately show both her and her picture she was staring at, only to pan upwards to reveal a large gathering of ponies in front of her. For someone like Jessica who didn’t live among them they all looked very similar save hairstyles and color palettes. “Huh... yeah this story may take awhile.”

The camera did a quick close up of Jessica’s face before the sound of cheering could be heard as the camera switched back to Jon sitting at his desk trying his best not to laugh or shows signs of enjoying himself too much.

“Jessica Williams everybody,” Jon said. “We’ll be right back.”

With the Jon swiveled slightly in his chair to arrange his notes as the Daily Show logo eclipsed him as the sound and sight of the show faded in favor of another commercial break.

Author's Note:

Years ago I stopped writing here, but never published a few stories that were being edited at the time. For the hell of it here they are.