The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Al Madrigal 1 (rough draft)

The swooshing sound effect of the Daily Show flying onto the screen was almost impossible to hear over the roar of the crowd which cheered for the return of the Daily from yet another commercial break. This was only the second segment of the show but it was no less exciting for them because they knew what was coming.

It was another segment which involved Equestria.

While usually the third segment, being the the interview portion was more popularly recognized as the part of the show to feature ponies (Obviously, considering it was called “Equestrian interviews”) those in attendance got a special treat where Jon sent one of his erstwhile correspondents to Equestria for a mock-report.

The topic of which he handpicked himself and proceeded to get bombarded by his staff for the right to cover it.

With the crowd still cheering as the camera panned on center stage Jon decisively setting aside the papers he was he “writing” on and addressed the audience by trying to yell over them.

“WELCOME BACK... welcome back.... everyone to the Daily Show. Security. It isn’t just a job college dropouts get at bars to help pay for rent. We here in America are so invested in our wellbeing both locally and internationally that even our own ‘National Security Agency,’ or NAMBLA, has gone through extreme lengths to try and protect us.” Jon monologues with slight chuckling from the audience as he did. “But sometimes it important to take a step back and observe the practices of other countries, and indeed other world’s, to see how they deal with the ever growing problems that they face on a day to day basis. Al Madrigal report.”

The sound of cheering exploded but then swiftly disbursed once the screen shifted to a stock photo of a map of Equestria with gentle classical music playing in the background. This and the sudden voice over told them that the report had started

Imagine if you will... a world filled with with copious amounts of natural beauties, pristine environments, and a community that will always be there to lend... a helping hand. ” Al stated in a calm and soft tone as the stock photo transitioned to stock footage of waterfall for a few seconds before a sweeping view of some mountain tops. “A world of adventure, boundless opportunities, and a rich historical background. A world were nothing could go wrong. Well look no further. This... is Equestria. Where all your dreams can- OH MY GOD!”

Suddenly and without warning the both the music and Al’s overdubbing was cut off by the camera switching suddenly to a swamp where a multi-headed dragon emerged from the mud. Each one taking turns arching their long necks and into the air to roar as loudly as they could. The intensity of their exploding voices escalating with each head that Joined.

Um... wow... okay uh, as I was saying. AHEM... This... is Equestria.” Al picked right back up as the music came back o. “Where all your dreams can come true and nothing bad ever happens and your new best friend is-- JESUS CHRIST!”

Like before the monologue was interrupted. This time by the footage of exploding pillars of fire shooting up from the ground in all directions. Eventually a larger and more dragged out burst of fire happened right in front of camera. When it subsided it revealed a Chimera complete with two heads, a lion and goat respectively, and a tail which was actually a cobra. All three combined animals were carefully crouching its way towards the camera before lunging forward revealing it’s razor sharp fangs and talons.

Okay what the hell was that thing! Good... God I... C-an I continue... can I... yes? A-a-are you sure? ” Al asked to someone off camera as the footage continued to show more footage of random point scenery like a river, rolling green hills, and towns from a bird's eye view. “Okay... Equestria. Where all your dreams can come true and nothing bad ever happens and your new best friend is ju-- okay you’re sure it won’t happen again right? Right!?... okay good. And your new friend... is just around the corner! Because here in Equestria you're-- OH FUCK!!!

This time the camera starting violently shaking like it was in an Earthquake before the lower camera angle caught something shooting up from the ground in what looked like a giant support beam emerging from the center of the earth. It was only when it started to twist and bend that viewers saw that some kind of giant earthworm, resembling something from Dune or Beatlejuice, was now staring downwards at the viewers.

At first it just looked onwards quizzable but it was only when it opened it’s mouth to reveal that the inside was completely lined with tiny sharp needle like teeth that Al responded.

”Alright you know what screw this let’s get out of here!” Al’s overdub said right before the monster attacked. From there the camera angle changed and was now showing the correspondent standing atop a hill at the verdant countryside before him. “How can someone live in a world like this? How is it that a place with such a reputation for being accepting, understanding, and tolerance be filled with... such evil things!”

Before switching scenes the camera panned out to show that Al was standing directly in front of the Everfree forest. Him being completely oblivious to the many visible glowing eyes, growing noise, and a lone lions paw just a few inches behind him.

”To help answer this question I sat down with this world highest royal pony and supreme god like ruler Princess Celestia.” Al continued as the camera showed him adjusting his notes while sitting directly in front of Celestia. The two of them in her own personal room. “To see if she could help me understand how a beautifully perfect world such as Equestria can remain intact and unharmed today even with danger looming just around the corner.”

“How the hell are you guys not dead yet?” Al asked. His question causing the audience to laugh and Celestia raise her eyebrows as the bluntness of his question. “I came here to do a report on how you guys handle security but damn! I mean this world of yours is pretty fucking dangerous! I thought it was all rainbows and happiness but you guys have some scary shit lurking around.”

“Well... let me first start off by saying that it’s a pleasure to have you here in my kingdom.” Celestia began. “This is the second time I’ve been featured during a Daily Show report. When Samantha was here time around I never got the chance to say this. So allow me to express how much of an honor it is to be interviewed by such a prestigious correspondent of the Daily show.”

“Don’t try and butter me up lady.” Al responded.

“Second. While it’s true Equestra does house unruly creatures who have... shall we say less than desirable traits, I can assure you that this world and the cities that inhabit it are quite protected.” She continued. “Especially here in this region of the Kingdom where we are very much safe. Proper regulations, on hand assistance from both myself and the royal Canterlot armed guards, and a community focused on helping one another makes cities like Canterlot a safe and ideal place to live.”

”You know maybe she’s right.” Al’s overdub said as on screen Al nodded his head in agreement with Celestia. The camera cutting back and forth between them. “So maybe some parts of Equestria aren’t so safe to be in but that doesn’t mean every town should be avoided. And she’s right! Canterlot not only had the royal guards but Celestia herself lives here! I think we found ourselves the perfect place to do a report on safety.”

Without saying a world Al looked upwards as the camera once again did a transitioned as if he was imagining what was to come next.

The next scene that followed was that of Al walking down one of the busy districts of Canterlot proper. It stay for very long though as the camera panned upwards and transitioned to a top view of the Castle before showing more stock footage of sophisticated ponies interacting in various outlets around town.

“Imagine if you will... a city filled with with copious amounts of natural beauties, pristine environments, and a community that will always be there to lend... a helping hand.” Al stated once again as the camera panned back to him sitting at a cafe with other ponies, laughing at each others jokes. Before continued the next image was a shot of Canterlot from far off its parameter to get a view of the city and Castle “A city with a sophisticated culture, unparalleled architecture, and some of the brightest minds known to pony-kind. A city where nothing could go wrong. Well look no further. This... is Canter. Where all your dreams can... can... hey what’s that noise?”

Towards the end of Al’s overdub a slight buzzing noise could be heard in the back. But as he was coming to an end it was increasingly getting louder and louder. It was only when he stopped talking that the camera shifted to show footage of hundreds upon thousands of Changelings swarming the city.

The transitioned was so seamless that one might be forgiven for thinking that it was happening live. But those with a better understanding of Equestrian events recognized it as the day Queen Chrysalis first invaded Canterlot Castle.

With violently shifting of perspective the camera alternated between scenes of ponies being captured by Changelings and general chaos running rampid. The sound of ponies screaming and various infrastructure being destroyed eventually dipped in volume so that the now continuing overdub could be better heard.

”Wait! Whoa, whoa WHAT! Canterlot was invaded by Changelings!?” Al said in shock as the Camera switched back to Celestia’s room where he was looking at her disbelievingly.

“You guys were invaded Changelings!?” he repeated with Celestia looking confused as to why he was asking this now.

“Yes... yes we were.” she answered with a look in her eye like she knew where this was going. Al meanwhile just kept a look of surprise about him that fooled the princess into further explaining. “It happened a few years back during the royal wedding of Princess Cadence.”

“How do you expect anyone to life in a place like this when you almost had your kingdom completely annexed! Forget Crimea you guys were almost taken over by evil bugs!” Al pointed out while pointing to the side of him out a window. “I mean how does something like this even happen!? You guys are the most powerful kingdom in all of Equestria!”

“While I will admit there Canterlot has seen some hard times before in the past. Some hiccups I guess you could call them.” she continued with Al looking just as mortified as before. “But I would once again like to assure you that while we’ve had some breaches in the past we are no less a safe a nation then when we were first established.”

“Now when you say you’ve had some hard times in the past,” Al began. “You're not just talking about Chrysalis are you?”

“No, no I’m not. There have been... other incidents regarding attacks on Canterlot soil.” she admitted. “Famously there was the incident were Nightmare Moon tried to take over the kingdom. And before that Discord more or less attempted to do the same thing. And soon after Tirek as well.”

“It’s almost as if being a super powerful country with endless wealth, thriving economy, and natural resources makes bad guys want to come and take it all away from you.” Al pointed out as the crowd laughed.

“It is as you say but these attacks are too few and too far apart to be considered a recurring problem. In regards to the Changling attack, yes it happened but it was dealt, with and all issues resolved, that very day.” Celestia countered in an almost proud of herself tone. “And It is that kind of swift and resourceful attitude that makes cities like Canterlot, Cloudsdale, and even Ponyville excellent places to both visit and dwell within.”

”The more I thought about it the more I realized how right Celestia was. There were other towns in the area! Some of which probably had their own unique ways.” Al’s overdubbing began as the camera changed to show the Equestrian map. “But more to the point if I was going to do a proper report on security here in Equestria I needed to look at other places locations. So while Canterlot may be a giant target for all evil It was time I looked at a more rural and peaceful side of the Kingdom where attacks and invasions didn’t happen so often to see how they were ablt to obtain such peace.

With the screen still fixated on the map it then zoomed in on Ponyville like it was a nuclear strike before fading to black. When the camera came back on it was now depicting the very center of Ponyville with its stone carved statues, and town hall building in plain view. The gentle sounds of crickets and chirping birds eventually drowned out by Al Madrigal’s overdub.

“Imagine if you will... a town filled with with copious amounts of natural beauties, pristine environments, and a community that will always be there to lend... a helping hand.” Al repeated as the camera panned to him enjoying breakfast at Sugar Cube corner. His slow motion eating was interrupted when the Camera shifted to show Twilight Tree house, then again to Sweet Apple Acres, then back into town to show Rarity’s Boutique, then to other various shops and homes. “A town with a simple yet relaxing atmosphere, where small businesses thrive, and everypony knows everypony else. The kind of place where you don’t have to lock your doors a night. A town where nothing could go wrong. Well look no further. This... is Ponyville. Where all your dreams can come true, nothing bad ever happens, and your new best friend is right around the corner. Because here in Ponyville you're not just part of a community, you are part of a fam--”

Before he could finish however Al’s monologue was predictably interrupted by an Earthshaking roar. The camera panned over to show a monster level sized dog with three heads in the center of the town causing a panic. Before it could do more the camera transitioned again to show more panicking ponies, this time running from a swarm of parasprites eating everything in their path.

Again the camera shifted to show a dragon reeking havoc around town by stealing whatever it could find therein by getting bigger and stronger. Before anyone could make a logical connection the scene changed to show a giant timberwoof just outside of the Ponyville limits, then back to Ponyville to show how at one point Ponyville was visited by an ursa minor and a cerberus.

”Ooooooh yeeeeeeah that’s right. Ponyville is just as dangerous a place to live in as Canterlot. Though some ponies feel that thi si snot the case.” Al commented as the scene changed to show when Discord, Nightmare Moon, and Tirek returned from their respective imprisonment to rain terror. Afterwards however the camera shifted to depict muted footage of Al walking side by side down a dirt road with Mayor Mare having a conversation “Ponies like Ponyville major Mayor Mare who has protected her citizens from these many examples of life threatening attacks on her own town.”

The scene shifted again to show Al sitting across from the pony politician in her private office at city hall.

“I noticed that you don’t have wings or a horn.” Al pointed out the obvious.

“How... very observant. It’s because I’m an Earthpony.” Mayor Mare responded.

“So if an attack were to happen right here right now... how would you protect your people.” Al asked further.

“Well as major I have set aside multiple funding measures to assure residential ponies, that during a major catastrophic events such as earthquakes, floods, and indeed the ever looming threat of an invasion, they will be properly compensated.” Mayor Mare explained. “These measures have been in place since before I took over but now more than ever have they been utilized. Many donated and never has a pony complained about the taxation that goes into these projects. While we do our best to avoid such events all together... this safety net assures anypony living here that they were financially protected for if they lose a home or property damage.”

“Riiight but I’m talking about protection for when it’s actually occurring.” Al specified now pointing towards the distance. “Let’s say an 80 foot gorilla is about to smash you guys into the ground. How will you fend him off?”

“Well there are a variety of means with with to protect ourselfs during these kinds of events.” Mayor Mare began to answer. “In your example... if there were to happen we would no doubt receive aid from the Canterlot Royal guards. In addition whenever there’s an airborne nuisance that aims to threaten us we can always rely on the Wonderbolts lend a hoof with their mastery of the sky.”

“Yeah but both of those options are from Canterlot and Cloudsdale!” he pointed out in frustration. “I’m talking about here in Ponyville! How big is your army? Who is your army general and how experiences is she.”

Looking both ways like she was about to cross the street Mayor Mare looked as confused as Al did regarding this entire topic.

“Um... we don’t have an army.” she revealed.

“I’m sorry what?” Al said. “Could you repeat that.”

“I said we don’t have an army.” she repeated. “The only state runned militia in the area is the Canterlot guards over in Canterlot.”

“So let me get this straight... you guys have some of the highest percentage rates of monster invasions... and you don’t even have your own army.” he surmised. “Tell me you at least have weapons.”

“I’m afraid not.” she answered. “Here in ponyville we like to invest more in infrastructure and education rather than weapons and an army.”

“You’d think that after the 72nd time you guys were attacked you’d change your positions slightly” Al added, now wanting to get more specific. “I’m guessing you don’t have any bodyguards either."

“N-no,” Mayor Mare said aware of the odd look in his eye. “No I don’t.”

“So if I wanted to... I could easily overpower you and take over Ponyville?” Al theorized as the camera went back and forth between a shocked looking Mayor and Al who was slowly revealing a baseball bat from just out of the shot of the camera.

“I... suppose you could.” She answered with Al leaning in with fixed eye contact as the crowd laughed. “But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t.”

So it turns out living in Ponyville is about the worst thing you can do if your into that whole staying alive thing.” Al’s overdubbing said as the footage of him on screen showed him continuing to stare down the mayor while while he played with the bat against his palm. “So Canterlot is a no go, Ponyville is just as bad, and I can’t even go to Cloudsdale and falling through to my death!”

The next scene transition showed Al walking away from Ponyville as on a dirt road. His monologue still playing in the background.

”But now that I think about it life in the human world isn’t so dangerous after all. At least we’ll never have to worry about some some ugly and inhumane monster ruining life or us in New York... except for this guy.” Al said before a picture of Donald Trump eating a slice of pizza with a fork and knife appears on screen.

The laughter from the audience at this sight soon turned to cheering once the camera changed back to the one at Daily Show Headquarters. Specifically Jon who was chuckling to himself before directly addressing the camera.

“Al Madrigal everybody,” he said. “Well be right back.”

With ear splitting cheering and applauding the show’s camera panned out to get a better view of both the set and Jon pretending to organize his notes. This continued until the screen went to black, signaling another commercial break.

Author's Note:

Years ago I stopped writing here, but never published a few stories that were being edited at the time. For the hell of it here they are.