The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Episode 17 [Rarity]: The infiltration

The fog on Jon Stewart’s glass faded away then reappeared in timed intervals with his breathing. Because of personal reasons (most of which were health related) Jon didn’t drink too much on his free time. Only on special occasions like award ceremonies, or getting together with family, the latter of which alcohol was a necessity, especially when dealing with the in-laws.

But on rare occasions when he was too stressed out from handling the day-to-day responsibilities of the Daily Show, Jon liked to come home and unwind with a glass of imported ale in one hand and the newspaper in the other. The last time this happened was the night before he was scheduled to interview President Obama, and before that was when he was trying to come up with the perfect penis joke for the show.

Today however Jon found himself sprawled on the living room couch with a tiny glass of scotch, pressed up against his lips while he breathed heavily into its content through his nose. In his other hand was his trusted cellphone which he idly fiddled with in between sips. He wasn’t playing any IOS game, browsing some news site, or even checking his twitter feed... what he was doing was trying to get ahold of his good friend and business partner, Celestia.

“Greetings, you have reached the private number of Princess Celestia. My deepest apologies to whomever is trying to reach me, I am sure that what you wish to discuss with me is of the utmost importance” A voice from Jon’s phone said. “Unfortunately I am currently unavailable and am unsure as to when I can get back to you. If you would be so kind as to leave your name, number, and when it would be the most convenient for you, I promise I will return your call in a timely manner.”

Jon had patience for a lot of things, but having to wait like this just to talk to Celestia was steadily making him angry. Make no mistake, he wasn’t some self centered prima donna who expected everyone to be at his beck and call at the slightest whim, least of all someone of royalty. But in his dealings with Celestia, never had he ever been neglected like this. Tonight was the first time he had ever heard this message, but he had tried calling her so many times that at this point he could recite her voice mail by memory.

The reason he so desperately wanted to talk to his friend wasn’t business related; the last thing on his mind was who to have on his show. The reason he wanted, no, the reason he needed to speak with her royal highness was because he wanted to check up on his good friend, The great and powerful Trixie, who was still being held at emergency room of Canterlot Castle.

Having both his phone and a glassware in each hand respectfully he had to fight off a powerful urge to throw one across the room in anger; before this could happen however he stopped to take a deep breath to try and calm himself down. What really got him hitting the bottle was the knowledge on Celestia’s part that Jon would always call, everyday, around this time asking if Trixie was okay. So for her to not pick up now only meant one thing... she was ignoring him.

“Urrrrgh.” Jon mumbled to himself angrily.

At this point Jon didn’t care about work, interviews, time slots, or ratings... all he wanted was to find out if his friend was alright. Taking a quick swig of his elixir, Jon once again pressed the call button on his phone... though doing so was practically the textbook definition of insanity.

“Greetings, you have reached the private number of Princess Celestia. My deepest apologies to whomever is trying to reach me, I am sure that what you wish to discuss with me is of the utmost importance...”

“Ruuagh!” Jon roared as he chucked his phone at the easy chair just opposite of him. He didn’t like this, he didn’t like this one bit. Celestia was hiding something from him, he just knew it. While there was a chance that she was just tied up at the moment, or perhaps she simply turned in for the day, there was this unshakable feeling that whatever was keeping her away had something to do with his Unicorn member of the family.

The more he thought about it the more worried he became, a feeling that was shared by other, more human, members of the Stewart household.

“Daddy? Are you mad?” A voice asked from behind the sofa. Even though he recognized the voice Jon still felt compelled to look over his shoulder to see who was addressing him. It was none other than his own daughter, Maggie. There she stood hand in hand with her brother Nathan as if they were getting ready to cross the street together. Turns out they had been spying on their father for quite some time now; something which would have been easier to detect had he not been drinking.

“Oh hey kids!” Jon fumbled as he quickly hid his glass of alcohol and adjusted himself in his seat so he'd be on his knees. “Shouldn’t you two be up stairs playing or something?”

The two small children didn’t answer. Instead they just looked up at their father with wide eyes and worried faces.

“Are you mad, Daddy? She repeated. With a deep sigh he returned to the sitting position he previously held.

“C’mere kids.” Jon said as he motioned for them to join him on the couch. In no time at all both kids were now sitting next to their dad. “Sometimes... sometimes when daddy has had a rough day he get’s a little upset about some things... but don’t worry because I’m not mad at you two, or mommy. I’m just... I’m just tired from work.”

Whether or not they believed him or saw through his attempt to make them less worried was open for debate. For a brief moment there was a silence followed by Nathan walking across the living room to retrieve Jon’s tossed phone like a faithful dog.

Jon watched as his son slowly he walked back to the sofa, hopped back in his previous spot, and placed the phone in between the two of them. While this was happening Maggie was busily hugging a pillow with both her arms and legs. When no one said anything Jon grabbed his phone, and in one swipe of his fingers was once again back at his home screen. In the time that he had thrown it a few contacts had tried to get in touch with him; none of them were Celestia.

“I miss Trixie.” Nathan said, in a tone that caused Jon to flinch as if he had just received a mean right hook.

“Me too.” Maggie added, delivering the left hook. “When will she be back, Daddy?”

Jon was now in an uncomfortable position that no parent enjoyed being in; having to tell their children that they didn’t have an answer to their question.

“I... I don’t know.” Jon said after a depressed sigh. “Your Aunt Trixie is... still sick.”

Ever since Queen Chrysalis’ attack on the Daily Show, Jon had been regularly protecting his kids from the harsh realities of life. He knew they were too young to comprehend fully what happened so by spoon feeding them the sugar coated version of what transpired he was, he hoped, doing the right thing.

To them there was no attack, or severe injuries to anyone they loved. As far as they knew Trixie had simply fallen ill and had to go back to Equestria because she needed proper care from medical professionals. And while this explanation was understandable at first, her absence from their world for so long was slowly making them skeptical.

“Is she feeling better?” Maggie asked, prompting Jon to look at his phone rather than into her sad eyes.

“I hope so.” Jon fiddled with his phone as he caught a reflection of himself in it’s shiny surface. It was at this point that he wished they would drop the subject, but he knew his kids. They were just getting started

“Can we go see her!?” Nathan begged with Maggie close behind in agreement.

Again Jon’s phone slipped through his fingers, only this time instead of throwing it across the room he lost the feeling in his hands causing it to fall to the ground. Even though he hadn’t seen Trixie in some time, the image of her strapped to a hospital bed with all manner of machines connected to her was still fresh in his mind; it was a god awful sight. He couldn’t stand seeing her like that; so he could only imagine what effects it would have on his kids.

“I uh... I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Jon grunted as he leaned forward to retrieve it his phone. “Right now the best thing for her is to get some rest... besides even if I wanted to, I couldn't.”

“Why?” Both kids asked in unison.

“Well... for some reason my good friend Celestia seems to be ignoring me.” Jon answered with a slightly annoyed tone.

To demonstrate he pressed a series of buttons which caused the silent room to be flooded with the noise of his phone struggling to make the connection between worlds. Jon was hoping to be proven wrong here; as the phone rang he gently held his son close to him and scratched the top of his head as he begged to a god he only sometimes believed in that Celestia would pick up.

Unfortunately having his kids present in the room wasn’t the lucky boost he was hoping for; after a few seconds had passed a familiar message found its way to the surface.

“Greetings, you have reached the private number of Princess Celestia. My deepest apologies to whomever is trying to reach me, I am sure that what you wish to discuss with me is of the utmost importance...”

“See what I mean?” A defeated Jon sighed as he placed his phone to the side. “And without her... I can’t even go to Equestria.”

Were it not for the presence of his two children Jon would have probably finished off his drink then retired to his bed for the night without a word to anyone. But as it so happens it was those very same children who inspired him to do something besides mope around feeling sorry for himself; unlike their father they weren’t so quick to give up it seems.

“But Daddy you’ve gone to the horsey world without Celestia before!” Maggie challenged.

“That’s right!” Her brother added, before grabbing Jon’s cell phone and placing it back in his hand. “Can’t you find another way to go there like last time!?”

Jon was moments away from once again disappointing his kids by revealing that their idea was flawed. Among other reasons, this idea wouldn’t work because the last time he snuck his way into Equestria he did so through Trixie, and even then doing so almost got him killed. However before he could say anything to that effect something occurred to him. Something both simple yet brilliantly devious.

While it’s true Trixie wasn’t present and Celestia wasn’t returning his calls there was something Jon had seriously overlooked... those two weren’t the only Unicorns he knew.

Ask anyone in the entertainment business and they will tell you, the old adage, “It’s not what you know; it’s who you know” is very much true. All the talent in the world and a brain overflowing with bright new ideas pale in comparison to having someone like Ted Turner or Bill Gates in your Rolodex.

As someone who spent his early years struggling as a comedian only to obtain his own show, Jon was in a position of seeing things from both sides of the looking glass.

On one hand he recalled how he had to network all up and down New York, shaking hands with total strangers and calling in favors to people whose names he couldn’t even pronounce just for a chance at getting his foot in the door.

And now that he was a world recognized name he got the chance to give back to the community by helping local talent in pursuing their preferred careers. Without Jon’s influence Steve Carell might’ve never made it in a film, Christian Schall would never have found a calling in voice acting, and Stephen Colbert would definitely never have gotten his own show after his years as a correspondent.

So when people first heard that Jon had the opportunity to traverse to an entire new world for his show, some of his colleagues and friends would wonder if it was difficult to start building contacts from the ground up all over again.

His response was always the same.

“You kidding me?” He would say. “I have Celestia, their god and leader on speed dial... I’ll be alright.”

All jokes aside Jon had to admit that he had it extremely easy; all he had to do was pick a name and away he went... With Celestia on his side he, for the most part, never had trouble conducting business within her world. That and most ponies would kill to get on his show, so very rarely did he need to know anyone other than her.

However in the past couple of months he did manage to do some old fashioned networking with ponies he had on his show. One of the most influential of which was without a doubt a certain pony he had not too long ago... who just happened to be Celestia’s right-hand gal.

Jon’s kids watched eagerly as their father paced back and forth in the living room of his house and tried his phone once more, only this time, instead of Celestia, Jon was trying to contact someone else... someone who was used to doing favors for him behind Celestia’s back.

“H-hello?” A tired voice said from Jon’s phone.

“Hey Twilight!” Jon answered as he pressed the now burning phone closer to his ear to hear her better. “It’s me! Your favorite human as far as I know.”

“J-Jon?” Twilight yawned. “Is that you?”

“The one and only!” Jon said in a over dramatic radio voice. “Hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“Oh um, yeah, no it’s alright; I needed to get up early today anyway.” She said as she rolled out of bed to quietly walk down stairs as to not wake anyone else up. “It’s nice hear from you again, especially since well... you know.”

Jon knew exactly what she meant; the last time they technically met it wasn’t the most pleasant of circumstances. With a quick cough Twilight seized the moment before things got silent.

“A-actually now that I think about it, it’s good that you called me!” She blurted.

“Oh really?” Jon rebutted.

“Absolutely; I could use your help with something. You see I’ve actually been asked to speak for symposium at the Canterlot School of Gifted Young Ponies.” Twilight explained. “I’ll be talking about magic and science and how the two can co-exist.”

“Oh well congratulations!” Jon said as he tapped his foot against the ground and glanced at his clock. “Sounds like... fun?”

“I’m really excited! But at the same time I’m a little bit nervous about my speech.” Twilight added as she paced back and forth in the living room of her tree house. “My friend Pinkie Pie suggested I open with a joke but... I’m not so sure.”

“I agree with this Pinkie Pie.” Jon said, unaware of how rare such a statement was. “Sometimes a little humor helps make the medicine go down... take it from someone who's actually a comedian.”

“But you see that’s just it!” Twilight urged. “For someone like you it’d be no problem but I don’t know the first thing about comedy... and well... I did come up with a joke but I don’t know if it’s any good.”

“Careful Twilight because from there it’s a slippery slope. Oh sure you’ll do one little joke here and there then before you know you’ll be selling ‘Knock knock’ jokes on street corners for cheap.” Jon jested, earning him not so much as a chuckle in return. “Okay but how bout this... how about you tell me the joke and I’ll let you know what needs improvement or what you can change to make it flow better?”

“You mean like a study group!” She asked with a level of enthusiasm one would expect from a child being offered a key to a chocolate factory.

“...Yes...” He mutter as he rubbed his aging eyes. “Like a study group.”

“Okay! Here I go!” She warned as she cleared her throat. “Why was metal in the marching band?”

“Uh, I don’t know... why?” He asked.

“Because it’s a good conductor!” She answered, leaving the answer to hang in the air a bit. She waited eagerly for Jon’s reaction. Since she couldn't see him she hoped the joke was so good it left him speechless, but in actuality Jon didn’t say anything because he was too busy contemplating how, even though he was apart of his high school's chess club, even he was less nerdy than she was.

“That bad?” Twilight asked.

“That bad.” Jon answered.

“ARGH! You’ve got to help me Jon!” She blurted as she caught herself talking too loudly. “The crowds are going to eat me alive, and if I don’t do well on this then I’ll never get invited back, and if I never get invited back then Celestia will think I’m not a good speech writer and then she’ll never--”

“Whoa, whoa, calm down Twilight!” Jon urged as he made gestures with his hand on instinct. “Look I’ll help you I’ll just uh... okay here you said this is going to be at a school right?”

“Not just any school Jon! This is a University where only the brightest minds and most talented of Unicorns get accepted!” She answered.

“Alright well... then just say something like... like uh; ‘Hey, what’s the... what’s the difference between a college intern and a royal guard?’” He asked, waiting a crucial second for the set up to sink in. “‘One of them stands still and does nothing useful all day, and the other one gets paid to do the same thing.’”

Like before there was a silence from both parties, only this time stillness was broken by the sound of laughter coming from Twilight’s end. Her stiffened giggles were clear as she tried her best not to be too vocal.

“Glad you like it.” He added.

“Oh yes I do!” She answered. “But more importantly the ponies over at ECU will love it! Mind if I use this for my speech?”

“Oh it’d be my pleasure... I mean virtually anything is better than that conductor one of yours.” Jon jokingly chided.

“Yeah, Spike didn’t like it either... even after I explained it to him.” She said, “Speaking of which would you like me to wake him up for you? That is why you’re calling right? To talk to Spike?”

“Actually... I’m not calling for young Spike.” Jon revealed. “I’m actually here to talk to you.”

“M-Me?” Twilight asked. “You want to talk to me?”

“Of course I do!” He continued. “And well... put it this way... you know that joke I just gave you?”

“Yeeees?” She answered.

“Well in return I uh...I sorta need another favor.” He said.

There was a silence between the two friends so apparent that even the two children knew no one was talking. Over on Twilight's side she was distancing herself further from where Spike was sleeping in case her talking would wake him up. While she did this she also contemplating what she could possibly do for Jon.

“Another favor?” Twilight echoed with uncertainty.

“Yeah you know just a simple favor between friends.” Jon pleaded as he began to walk in circles. “I mean you do help your friends, right?”

“O-of course I do!” She blurted. “After all friendship is magic.” On any other occasion saying something like that would have earned her a sound teasing from Jon but since he was in a position where he needed her help he decided to let it slide.

“Why yes it certainly is!” He responded. “Anyway, I was wondering if I could get you to do one simple thing for me.”

“And that is?” She wondered aloud.

“I need you to teleport me into your world.” He revealed. The request wasn’t complicated or plagued with with hidden agendas, or at least as far as Twilight knew, and yet something about it all made her dubious.

“Y-you need me to teleport you here?” She wondered. Ordinarily such a request would have completely caught her off guard, but since Jon had done this before she wasn't that surprised. “Uh... not that I’m saying no or anything like that but don’t you usually ask the Princess to do this sort of thing?”

“Normally yes but as it so happens I can’t because she’s too busy at the moment,” He said. “And well I really need to get into Equestria so I figured why not ask you.”

“Hm I see. Well did she tell you anything? Did she happen to say why she’s so preoccupied?” She asked. “Because to be honest lately I’ve actually had a difficult time trying to get in contact with her myself... all I know is that she isn’t to be disturbed right now because she’s busy on something very important. I don’t know what it is but the last time I talked with her she asked me to give every medical book I own.”

Jon didn’t like the sound of this.

“I have no idea myself; I can’t even get her to answer her phone,” Jon answered. “Which is why I’ve called you today... I could really use your help here.”

“Jon... you-- you know I consider you a good friend.” Twilight reminded.

“But?” He said.

“But I feel slightly uneasy about going behind Celestia’s back like this... again” She answered. “If the Princess isn’t returning your calls then maybe... maybe she has a good reason to do so.”

“Oh come on Twi!” Jon objected.

“I’m sorry Jon, but sometimes Celestia has her reasons, you or I might not understand them but that’s just the way it is.” She continued. “Plus nopony is allowed to traverse through worlds without her express permission at this time.”

“Well aren’t you her loyal student?” Jon asked. “Surely you have clearance.” There was a slight pause on the phone.

“T-that’s not the point.” She blurted, surprised by Jon’s correct assumption. “I just... why do you want to come over here anyway?”

Jon was not too eager to answer her question. His plan at this point was to enter their world and confront Celestia face to face to get some answers, but with Twilight now acting as the gatekeeper he was forced to change his approach a bit.

“I just need to walk around Ponyville for a bit.” Jon lied. “I need a new pony to fill a guest slot so I need to scout for some talent.”

“Oh... and that’s it?” Twilight asked.

“That’s it.” Jon once again fibbed. Originally he was going to ask for her to teleport him right in the middle of Canterlot Castle but now there was no way she’d knowingly allow him to disturb her mentor. Jon hated having to lie to his friends, but for him this was a necessary evil. “I’ll be in and out before you know it, I promise.”

“Gee... I don’t know.” Twilight rubbed the back of her neck.

“What seems to be the problem?” Jon pushed. “You’ve done this before?”

“I know it’s just... something just feels... I don’t know, off.” She confessed. Twilight may not have been able to read minds (not without casting some kind of mind reading spell first) but if she could she’d realize her suspicions wouldn’t be without justification. Jon’s new plan was simple; if he couldn't get teleported to Celestia then the next best option would be to walk up to her front door in secret; something which Twilight would undoubtedly object to.

Usually by now Jon would have underhandedly try to guilt trip his way into Equestria by complaining to Twilight how much he still ached from the injuries suffered at the hands of Chrysalis. A tactic he himself learned from his Jewish grandmother who had long since mastered the technique. However he had something even better at his disposal.

“Ah see that’s too bad Twilight.” Jon said as he pressed a button to make his phone go into speaker mode. “Because my kids were really looking forward to seeing their dad interview another pony on TV... right kids.”

Both Nathan and Maggie were confused at first but being the clever children that they were they quickly understood what devious tactic they're father was trying to accomplish. After a quick wink from Jon the two of them launched themselves from their seats and ran to the phone screaming at the top of their lungs.

“PLEASE MS. TWILIGHT!” Maggie yelled.

“LET DADDY GO TO HORSEY LAND!” Nathan added.

“PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!” Maggie continued.

This went on for so long that their constant begging just started to sound like nonsensical gibberish after a while, like having hundreds of puppies barking for attention. Though with every passing second Twilight was fast becoming more and more susceptible to their begging, culminating in her usual level headed demeanor being shattered.

“Okay, okay I’ll do it!” Twilight blurted over the children.

“YAAAAY!” The kids cheered as she ran around their father who was switching back to standard mode.

“So... are we ready to start?” Jon asked innocently.

“That was unnecessary.” Twilight scolded. “But yes let’s begin.”

“Thank you!” Jon exclaimed. “I owe ya one!”

“Two!” She corrected. “You owe me twice now!”

“Yes, yes of course!” He said.

“Now then... I only have enough power to send you so far... so where would you like to go specifically.” She asked as she readied her horn.

If Jon had his way he’d say Canterlot Castle infirmary, but since that wasn’t an option he had to improvise a bit.

“I would like to go to the eastern edge of Ponyville.” Jon answered, as he assumed the position. In response Twilight began to stabilize her magic. Placing his hand over the phone’s receiver Jon quickly kneeled down to talk to his children.

“Okay kids daddy will be back real soon.” He said. “While I’m gone stay out of trouble and I promise I’ll find out what’s going on with Trixie.”

“Can we come with you!?” Maggie begged, pulling against his pant leg.

“Sorry sweetie, but no. This is something I need to do by myself.” Jon said as he tousled her hair. Standing back up he placed the phone back to his ear as the two kids look slightly upset . “Okay Twilight are we almost ready?”

“Yes, the spell is just about ready to be cast.” She announced as her horn began to glow a powerful glow. “Just a few more seconds.”

For Jon this was more than just a simple trip to Equestria, this was his chance to get down to business and uncover what was going on.

Some might say that he was being paranoid but the evidence was piling up. Celestia wasn’t letting anyone disturb her, then she wanted all of Twilight medical texts, and of course her refusal to talk to anyone, including both himself and her most faithful student.

Something was happening over at Canterlot Castle and Jon wanted to know what it was because he had a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with Trixie.

“Okay I’m ready!” Twilight announced, jolting Jon out of his trance. “Now... you're sure you’re just going to look for a guest... right?”

“Scout’s honor.” Jon said. He was never in Scouts.

Within a split second and a temporarily blinding burst of light Jon was swept away on a tide of magic, throwing him between worlds right before the eyes of his children. They had seen this before but they never got tired of it.

Jon’s covert mission has officially begun. He was now on his way to Canterlot Castle to confront Celestia about his dear friend Trixie... or so he thought.

Comments

[Rhulain]

Sorry Jon, but I have a feeling a certain bitchy high class fashionista might just waylay you before you get there.

[Cantankerous]

more and more susceptible to their beginnings

Don’t you mean to their begging?