Episode 20 [Discord]: Please welcome to the show Discord
Series: A pie eating contest
Interviewer: A snowman
Guest: Your mom
Date: 147 BC
Location: Right behind you so don't turn around.
Be honest you actually checked didn't ya?
THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH SOME JEWISH GUY
Usually when one is invited to the Daily Show their only task for most of the night is to remain in their dressing room while Jon does his thing for the first fourteen or so minutes. This time is usually spent either psyching themselves up or praying to whatever god they believe in to deliver them safely home that day and watch over loved ones, because the future, as is the case with most English mid-term assignments the day after they’re due, remains unwritten.
However Discord was a trendsetter and instead decided to impose his will on the staff at Daily Show Headquarters in the form of rummaging through their desks and switching the labels on packed lunches in the refrigerator inside the employee breakroom.
Becky was going to eat Dylan’s tuna sandwich and Dylan was going to feast on twice cooked pork and there wasn’t a darn thing they could do about it. Truly this was the day they stopped believing in God.
But that wasn’t the end of Discord’s reign of evil, oh no, not him. In addition to rewriting history so that the moon landing never happened, making Neil Armstrong the first man to walk the plank, the master of chaos switched everyone’s gender to see what would happen, but unfortunately everyone was too busy working on their assignments to notice. All except for Jeffrey who really regretted getting that sex change operation the night before because now he was pretty much at square one all over again.
And as if that wasn’t enough Discord’s final act of petty vengeance against those who would see him stuffed with hay and used as a scarecrow was destroying the New York Stock Exchange by “leaking” trade secrets that tomato stock was at an all-time high. All honey and lies I tell you.
Improper transactions and turf wars sprung forth as a result and companies went out of business while others had to call their drug dealers just so they could get an ounce of ketchup. Crimes sprung up everywhere and good people lost their homes. Some bad people lost homes too but they had like two or three more in Mexico so it was all good.
Discord did all this. Gender reassignment, switching lunches, flooding the market to the point of complete disaster, and he still had thirteen minutes left to kill, which he used by playing chess with Jeffrey WHO WAS A GOD DAMN CHEATER AND HE KNOWS IT.
Soon Discord lifted his ears as a familiar sound exploded in his brain.
“Hark, I hear a noise!” he said. He knew what this meant. It was show time.
The sound of roaring applause quickly escalated in volume like a jet taking off from a runway, signaling the return of Comedy Central’s most profitable program ever: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. This along with the stock footage of ugly people drinking Pepsi, located just over the hill, soon came to a halt once the camera exploded to reveal that it was actually comprised of cheap salt water taffy that was well past its expiration date.
This more than anything else told Jon that he forgot to close the garage door AND that the show was moments away from either being cancelled or returning from a break.
There he sat in his desk, busily tracing his hand on the paper before him, being extra careful to get every nook and cranny of his finger; today was the day he’d make that thanksgiving turkey drawing or die trying. His dreams would have to be put on hold for now as the crowd of able-bodied nascar drivers, the likes of which he only thought existed in legend, were now chanting for the show to begin. Their bloodlust was almost unparalleled.
No longer would anyone have to wait for the main event, except those who were total dicks- yes, I’m looking at you Eric. The event that made the already fat Jon Stewart even more well known was to begin as soon as Jon finished scraping down his last helping of zebra.
“Hey, welcome back to the Daily Show. Boy oh boy do we have a grand show for you all tonight!” Jon Stewart said as the crowd of sentient laundry baskets angrily cheered for him to continue and for technical support. “Our guest tonight, he’s an Equestrian God representing all that is chaos as well as the winner of the 23rd annual Ms. Ponyville competition, the inventor and later destroyer of the laws of gravity, the world’s strongest beekeeper, a three time winner of the Canterlot cow tossing conest as of two seconds ago, creator of Facebook, the leading expert in pitbull biology, a loving son, caring husband, okay brother and the person responsible for awkward silences.”
“Wilhelm, what are you doing over there? Please welcome to the show Jackie Robinson!” Jon announced as an intern threw a balled up piece of paper at his head which he read as quickly as possible. “Oh, I mean Discord!”
The crowd, which at this point mostly consisted of the 1974 Oakland Raiders, jumped to their feet and flapped their wings in sheer delight at the prospect of being in the same room as Discord, the world’s most handsomest creature since ever. Their cries of joy grew so loud in fact that Jon felt as if he was attending one of Discord’s many successful concerts since he had become the lead guitarist for both Rolling Stones and ACDC when he proved he could deep chug egg nog in under ten seconds. He had eight seconds to spare.
Before Jon’s ears exploded came the moment everyone around the world, except Russia, had waited for; the smart, funny, and loveable Discord had arrived! Yay!
Since Jon’s studio was floating in the void of space somewhere in the Footprint Nebula, some guests found it difficult to traverse the set and find their seats what with the lack of gravity and oxygen. But for someone like Discord, who was as resilient as he was smart, he found his way across the stage effortlessly, moon walking his way to Jon’s desk with an entourage of a polar bear in a bikini and Jon’s third grade math teacher Mrs. Ferguson.
His supple red tail, brown body, and light gray head were mostly covered by medical equipment like scrubs, a hair net, toilet plunger, and face mask as he had just finished delivering a baby because he was cool that way. Only instead of the more traditional “delivery” he went and handed over a toddler to a neighbor across the street which they had ordered and would have received for free if Discord had arrived in over thirty minutes. He made it in five… years.
Slowly he moonwalked his way to the center of the stage where Jon was already on his feet eagerly awaiting his guest’s arrival since Discord was his favorite person in the entire universe and did I mention how cool Discord is ‘cause he totally is! After a quick summersault so awesome it left some audience members blind the guest of the hour was in his seat ready to go.
“Discord my friend and half-brother it’s so good to see you again!” Jon roared along with the crowd of casual Tibetan monks. “Thank you again for taking the time out of your busy schedule of crash testing Subarus to warp my brain into coming all this way here to see you!”
To show his respects, Discord removed his glasses and carefully placed them down his throat only to reach in further to produce a bouquet of flowers thought to have been extinct for millions of years.
“Oh are you kidding Jonathan, I wouldn't miss this for the world, of which I’m the president,” the delightful Discord said as he handed Jon the bouquet of HDMI cables. “It is an absolute delight to be here today! Here, these are for you!”
“Oh wow, my very own puppy!” Jon said as he carefully placed his gift onto the table before it scampered away in the direction of the guests of beautiful naked people. “I’ll be sure to water it every day. So how have you been Discord... you must have had a crazy year, am I right?”
“Oh not at all my dear homosapien friend. Not. At. All!” Discord The Magnificent answered. “Why between saving children from runaway burning busses and rescuing burning busses from runaway children everything has just been the same old, same old. In fact, the only reason I agreed to come here was for a nice change of pace.”
“See, that’s what I’ve always liked about you Discord, you’re never afraid to say what’s on your mind,” Jon revealed as the crowd of uptight engineering students agreed in the form of a light applause and light beer. “So what have you been up to since your parole?”
“Ooooooooooooh not much really. If I can be honest for a second I’m still being watched over by my old friend Celestia and her cavalcade of multicolored... heroes who want nothing more than to teach me the magic of friendship or whatever it is they go on and ooooooon about but I must say it does feel absolutely fanTASTIC to be free once more after a thousand years!” Discord demonstrated by sinking the winning point from half court. “At the moment however I’m at house arrest you see... I’ve been living either at my place or with Fluttershy and while she may not be the most interesting pony I’ve ever met she does treat me nicely which is more than I can say about Little Miss. turns you into stone or sends you to the moon if you act up.”
“Why did you get turned into stone if I might ask oh Great and Beautiful Discord The Awesome?” Jon asked as the crowd consisting of the entire cast of Cast Away leaned in with anticipation.
“Trying to take over the Kingdom.” Discord shrugged while clipping his nails in reverse.
“I hear that’s all the rage these days,” Jon responded while Discord was busily trying to rebuild his house.
“I know, right! Far be it for me to call myself a trendsetter, although I was the one who invented high-heel shoes,” Discord bragged, “but I was trying to take over kingdoms since before it was cool! Luna, Queen Chrysalis, they all got the idea from me... Oh sure, they probably got closer than I did, but historically speaking I was causing Celestia trouble much longer. I’m what the kids these days call OV... the original villain.”
“You know Discord, I may have only known you for a short period of time, but I trust you completely enough that I named my first born after you,” Jon admitted, causing the crowd of ankle high insomniacs to not cheer. “What I’m saying is I barely know anything about you from the days of old despite the fact that we’re living in 200AD. Do tell, what other forms of shenanigans did you partake in back in the day?”
“Oooooh nothing special really, I’m not saying I was some kind of saint... heavens no, I had my fair share of controversy,” Discord said, pausing a moment to let the herd of buffalo roam past as he was not up to the task of talking over them. “Some of my early works included filling everyone’s shoes with rice pudding, the creation of the Equestrian Fight Club Ponyville Chapter, temporarily bringing back to life everyone’s ex husband or wife just to make things awkward, and the creation of the DMV- a lot of ponies hated me for that one. But after a while I dreamt of something bigger so I tried to overthrow the laws of nature... but yet I’m here again... if I’ve learned one thing from Celestia in regards to her sister and I it’s that she’s far too forgiving, but I suppose that’s what makes her such a dear friend.”
“Well on behalf of all ponies and some humans I guess I would like to say how great it is to have The Great and Honorable Discord back and walking among the living!” Jon announced as he lifted his golden chalice filled with only the finest and most expensive tap water he could steal. “A toast to Discord The Great! May your scales shine forever!”
And with that Discord lifted his water bottle filled with the tears of his fallen enemies and the two took a quick sip as the crowd of 17th century polish immigrants chanted and praised the name of theirs and everyone else's favorite mythical god Discord, the manticore whose collection of toasters was rivaled only by his insatiable urge to fight the homeless.
Ignoring his ever increasing urge to confess his love for Discord, Jon decided to keep the topic laser focused on him; a fitting description since Discord himself invented the laser on a bar bet back in ‘75 when he was late for his best friend’s wedding.
“So Discord, you’ve been free to roam the Earth again for how long?” Jon asked while trying to keep balance on his lucky skateboard.
“Oooooh about a year now I’d say,” Discord answered while trying his utmost to do nothing whatsoever.
“And in that time what have you learned?” Jon asked as his guest graciously refilled his cup with the most unholy of substances he himself selected from his personal supply of things most foul. “What has Discord The Radiant learned since his glorious return?”
To set the mood, Discord snapped his fingers to transform the set into a plantation house with horse and buggy out front, Jon wearing a gentleman's attire and Discord made up to look like a southern belle straight out of a Clark Gable movie who, by the way, was a close, personal friend of Discord.
“Weeeeell I’m no gossip,” Discord said in a prissy voice before leaning in to try and whisper, “ACTUALLY, I TOTALLY AM!!! Anyhow, I’m no gossip, but I do hear talk about the goings on around town from the local grapevine if I do say so myself.”
The things Discord knew were enough to put him into a frenzy as evident by his having to take a break to fan himself with his award winning tail as the crowd of giant praying mantis, all of whom had the head of Jon’s father, waited patiently for him to recover.
“Do you need a minute?” Jon asked while he wolfed down his disgustingly delicious bowl of cobb salad.
“No no, I’m alright,” Discord assured Jon seven years later. “Anyways, what were we talking about?”
“I believe it was about the time you were trapped in an elevator,” Jon reminded as he shooed the local kids off his front yard.
“Ah yes, that’s right! So anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by that Scandinavian revolution... since my return I have learned a multitude of interesting facts about life in Equestria,” Discord began, his smile brightening up the room that was slowly starting to melt. “Since I’ve been away I’ve learned that life has evolved to the point where ponies no longer fear for their own survival and now mostly worry themselves about how to entertain each other for just long enough that they forget all about the problems they themselves have created by living under the rule of a creature who can control the very fabric of space and time all the while ignoring that their death is slowly approaching and there’s nothing they can do about it.”
“Wow... I’ll be honest, I have no idea how you managed to stay in that elevator for eight hours.” Jon marveled with the knowledge that at any second he’ll cease to exist.
“Actually, one thing I’ve also learned is that all the adventures and coming of age stories that our friends, the mane six, go through every so often are only about a third of what really goes on,” Discord said in between doing nothing and doing everything. “You know how it seems like Twilight and her friends have a new adventure every week?”
“Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that,” Jon said as loudly as he could which really wasn't loud at all, thus shaming his entire family for decades to come.
“Well, in between those busy, busy days of theirs they get themselves into the craziest of situations!” Discord, the coolest kid at Ponyville High, continued. “So much so that I don’t even know where to possibly begin!”
“Are you saying... what I think you’re saying?!” Jon blurted, his excitement enough to make him hang up with his local publication as he was in the middle of canceling his subscription to mustache aficionado. “Is... is it time?!”
“Why I do believe it is my old friend,” Discord said as both he and Jon turned to the camera just in time for the crowd of shapeless pirates to rise to their feet to chant the words they’ve long since been waiting for.
“It’s time for... WHEEL. OF. STORIES!” everyone and their mother shouted as confetti rained from the sky, later turning to hail, then a flash flood destroying many, many houses in a sea of multicolored shredded paper.
Unable to hold his excitement back any longer, Jon swiftly turned around to punch an intern in the face before going behind his desk with Discord to retrieve a giant novelty “spin the wheel” type prop the two of them stole from their rival school back when they went to kindergarten together.
The wheel’s surface was split into dozens of different topics each relating to an untold story, all of which Discord saw first-hand and later with his own eyes due to his infinite control over the concept of time and DVR rewind. The wheel was so giant in stature that no ordinary man could possible lift its heavy mass, but since Jon was being helped it was all good. As the two slowly placed the prop atop Jon’s desk the crowd of giddy Canadian super models cheered for something interesting to happen before they went kill crazy like last time.
“Okay, looks like we’re all set up!” Jon proudly sneezed as he gave it a gentle spin to see if it was still working despite him having foolishly left it in his pants pocket the last time he did his laundry a few years back. “Now for those who don’t understand what this wheel is, it’s a collection of interesting stories that have happened over in Equestria that some of you haven’t heard yet but Discord knows about in great detail.”
Some audience members were so surprised to be given the chance to see the infamous wheel that they died at that very moment since they knew their lives weren’t going to get any better than this while other members gave birth from the sheer shock of it all. Interesting since they weren’t pregnant when they arrived.
“That’s correct Jon!” Discord added, now regretting not going to the bathroom before this interview started. “What’s going to happen is I’m going to spin this wheel and whatever story it stops on is what I’ll explain as much of as I can remember! Camera man, care to get a close up view for our audience at home?”
Obeying his wishes, the camera operator, who should have been home for Christmas hours ago, zoomed in to reveal the surface of the novelty wheel and slowly scanned it to let those at home see most of the topics.
Some stories included:
“How Luna got her groove back.”
“Twilight dies in an unfortunate checkers accident.”
“Celestia lies about her age on eHarmony.”
“Pinkie can’t eat ice cream anymore, so she kills a senator.”
“Rainbow Dash punches a cow because an infomercial made her feel stupid.”
“Rarity discovers fur-based clothing.”
“Applejack likes big flanks and she cannot lie.”
“Fluttershy overthrows the Chilean government.”
“Rarity devotes her life to helping the homeless by giving them fashionable cardboard boxes to sleep in.”
“Rarity becomes queen of the hobos.”
“Twilight’s evil twin sister tries to steal her inheritance.”
“Derpy gets interrogated by the police.”
“Local police station’s entire staff loses will to live after Ponyville’s 78th monster attack.”
“Pinkie Pie beats the Pony Devil in a game of badminton.”
“Derpy tries counting to ten, ends up putting Fluttershy in the hospital.”
“Applejack gets drunk and gets a lower back tattoo.”
“Fluttershy discovers if Zecora is white with black stripes or vice versa.”
“Pinkie Pie eats too many Rare Candies.”
“Twilight joins the republican party.”
“Celestia comes in second place in a Celestia-look-alike contest.”
“Derpy OD’s on muffins.”
“Equestria is under the brink of destruction and tomorrow is prom.”
“Ms. Cheerilee gets tenure; proceeds to stop giving a fuck.”
“Luna threatens to bring eternal darkness unless episode 3 is released.”
“Celestia tries to legalize everything... yes, even that.”
“Luna marries a ceiling fan.”
“Applejack changes her name to Lucky Charms.”
“Rarity tries to sell Sweetie Belle on eBay.”
“Spike lays a golden egg.”
“Equestria hosts the next Super Bowl.”
“Fluttershy gets married to the next person who dials 1800-get-that-shy.”
“Luna gets drunk and makes a dick figure with the stars.”
“Applejack becomes a pimp.”
“Derpy meets her long lost sister; Herpy.”
“Pinkie Pie tries to fit a whole watermelon in her mouth.”
“Trash day at Equestria turns into a revolution.”
“Princess Luna goes crazy... again.”
“Applejack puts together a Softball League.”
”New England Patriots’ first draft pick is: Applejack!”
“Fluttershy pushes Florida into the ocean.”
“Pinkie stole the cookie from the cookie jar.”
“Power Pinkie: A story of a body building mare.”
“Celestia ain't happy she’s feeling glad.”
“Pinkie Pie vs. Santa Clause.”
“Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy switch bodies.”
“The mane 6 travel into Pinkie Pie’s stomach.”
And so much more!
“Well, I think our audience gets the idea!” Discord announced through several megaphones. “So what do you think Jon? Are you ready to give this baby a spin... and then later this wheel?”
“Actually I don’t think I am,” Jon confessed, worried about the possibility that he left the oven on at home.
“In that case I believe the audience knows what time it is!” Discord hinted, which made the local viewers stand on their feet and throw their hands in the air in a display that some might interpret as them not caring for the present situation. “IT’S TIME TO...”
“SPIN. THAT. WHEEL!”
And spin the wheel he did! With a thrust of his mighty hands (which at one point earned him the a commercial gig for a watch company) Discord spun the wheel as fiercely as he could without any regard to his own well being. The wheel was just that important.
Hours flew by in the blink of an eye and still the wheel was in motion. Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, months into years, and soon eons were rushing by like it was nothing. Empires rose, civilizations evolved and soon collapsed under the weight of their own hubris, the yellow sun of Earth finally entered its last stage and burned out, leaving those who still inhabited the planet to walk around in eternal darkness which later killed almost all traces of life but kept the Earth in just the right state for the moles to evolve and reclaim the land in a blaze of glory and dirt!
The supreme mole king and leader of Neo-Earth captured the hearts of millions and later passed sweeping legislation that undermined his opponents and brought many favors to his closest friends. His own son killed him to gain his power but was later assassinated, leaving the monarchy the weakest it had ever been. War broke out over the territory of the once great Mole Empire, causing a nuclear war the likes of which never before seen, completely annihilating almost all life on Earth... again.
Intelligent life from the planet Ble-Gorp 7 visited our world shortly thereafter and found our once great civilization in an effort to learn more about other planets, only to discover that there was actually an unknown mineral deep within our core, a mineral that was most precious to them which unfortunately caused the great spacewar of 4302 where multiple factions fought over the right to planet Earth.
But in the end the planet was literally split down the middle with each side gaining a certain portion of the highly touted earthly minerals, but that wasn’t enough for them so a treaty was struck to open trade routes which later began a civil war over territory.
And still the wheel spun with no sign of decreasing in speed.
“Well then... while we wait for this thing to slow down hows about we continue our little one on one?” Discord suggested as the two of them got back into their seats. “So how have you been Jon?”
“Please, enough about me!” Jon pleaded by throwing pigeon after pigeon at his guest who only managed to eat three of them. “Let’s talk more about you!... I love what you’ve done with your hair!”
“DO YOU!” Discord shouted as he bashfully began to play with his long strands of golden hair which were endless and pure as silk. “Thank you ever so much for saying so! I got my hair AND my nails done by Rarity at her boutique!”
Delicately, he reached out to show his razor sharp claws that had a thin layer of hot pink nail polish.
“Oh, well no surprise there! Rarity is best when it comes to such things!” Jon said, his envious eyes alternating between the free flowing mane and delicate fingers, his jealously reaching near homicidal levels. “Of course she was willing to help you out, a creature of importance, such as yourself, must know everypony in town.”
“Yes, but it’s not as great as one might think,” Discord confessed as he calmly placed his wig aside for the moment. “Everypony in town knows of me due to my charming personality, studley physique, that one time I tried to take over Equestria, and my impressive stamp collection, so it’s hard trying to remember every face.”
“So why did Prohibition fail in America?” Jon asked as he stroked his beard.
“Well, my history is a tad bit rusty, but if I recall it was because of the eventual rise of organized crime as more and more citizens deciding to create and distribute their own forms of alcohol,” Discord explained while he stroked Jon’s beard. “In fact, it was so easy to create one’s own liquor that some were made incorrectly and either poisoned the drinker’s body or at the very least turned out tasting disgusting. This is why so many famous drink recipes involve adding soda or orange juice... because back then it was the only way to make them taste halfway decent.”
“So, as we’ve already established you know quite a lot of ponies over in Ponyville and indeed all over Equestria,” Jon began, remembering that he still had a pie sitting on the windowsill, “but out of all these ponies... who would--”
“Fluttershy,” Discord said.
“YES, well, you didn’t let me finish,” Jon pointed out as he handed him his slice of cake.
“Fluttershy,” Discord repeated.
“As I was saying,” Jon continued, “out of all the ponies in Ponyville who would you say--”
“Fluttershy,” Discord repeated once more.
“That is to say,” Jon coughed, not at all worried about life on the road, “who would you say is your favorite pony?”
“Fluttershy,” Discord answered.
“Hmm, didn’t even have to think about that one, did ya?” Jon wondered while his guest of the day turned his swivel chair into solid cheese for no particular reason. “I hardly know this pony myself, so tell me why... that is, why... ugh...”
For some reason, Jon felt a great pressure in his stomach like someone had put a vice grip over his ribcage. A bright light was slowly starting to seep into the room and everything from the crowd of overpaid sumo wrestlers to his upside-down desk was slowly starting to vanish. The candy striped walls of his building began to fall down in slow motion and his neon shag rug was starting to fade into nothingness.
It was as if reality itself was starting to slowly crumble around him as the pressure on his stomach began to distort his vision. Despite Discord being right in the middle of playing his famous guitar solo to the crowd of infinite children, he still found time to see the distress his friend was in.
“Jonathan, are you alright?” Discord asked, his sunglasses taking this opportunity to run for freedom. “You seem unwell.”
“I... I don’t know?” Jon said as he got up as fast as possible which made him even dizzier. “Everything is starting to feel... weird.”
It took Discord a second to figure out what was wrong, a problem most easily fixed by a snap of his fingers.
“Oh, I see what’s happening, you're starting to wake up,” Discord diagnosed before snapping his fingers, causing all the fixtures to return to their proper order as a haze of purple smoke covered the area, bringing with it a crowd of Batman villains who eagerly waited for the show to begin once more. “There we are... now what were we talking about?”
“I believe we were on Fluttershy?” Jon remembered as he was working on his science project for school. “Isn’t she technically your parole officer?”
“Parole officer?! Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no!... Well yes, but she’s... so much more than that?” Discord tried to explain while fighting off the forces of nature. “Despite what others think of me I do consider her a dear friend of mine... as someone who has lived for as long as I have I can say with certainty that she’s my favorite pony.”
“Why do you like her so much?” Jon asked while trying to find his seat.
The question seemed to have been as powerful as the nuclear bomb Discord disarmed that one time- you know the one, the one that saved that puppy. Usually the honorable guest of the night would have answered right away since he knew the answers to all of life's great mysteries, but for this particular inquiry he felt the need to sit down and take a moment to think it over.
Tilting his head to the side so the hot water would flow from his ear and into his cup as to allow him to drink his tea, Discord slowly opened his mouth with the intention to speak but found himself a bit tongue tied. After replacing his tongue he then spoke.
“I like Fluttershy because she’s different. She’s the only one who ever believed in me... you might say Celestia did when she tried to get me rehabilitated, and trust me those two are already similar enough, what with them both being too easy to forgive,” Discord said while taking a sip of his tea, drinking the cup and leaving the tea suspended in midair. “But believe you me, Celestia had other plans in mind when it came to trying to get me to turn over a new leaf... she’d never admit it but there was a part of her that thought I would never change. But when it comes to Fluttershy I feel as if she really believes in me... that may very well come back to bite her in the flank someday but for now I find her endearing enough that I can endure living with her.”
“Call me crazy but this is all sounds like very good sitcom material,” Jon pointed out as the crowd of outdated pilgrims waited patiently. “As far as roommate sitcoms go I’ve heard worse.”
“You are quite right. In that regard I find it very lucky that I get to live with a pony I can tolerate,” Discord explained. “She may be shy, soft spoken, naive, and at times quite feeble... but I do enjoy her company. And trust me for someone who has lived as long as I have there are those who would absolutely despise having to be in the same room as me.”
“Is that right?” Jon said, now in the final stages of his transformation. “Like who? I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn't absolutely adore the great and all-knowing Discord.”
Fun fact of the day: The number one most popular name of 1987 was ‘Discord.’
“Well... for starters it’s no secret that Twilight and her friends don’t particularly like me... excluding Fluttershy of course,” Discord admitted as he wormed his way out of his seat and into the air to float. “Even though I’m… on their side now they still don’t trust me. And while I understand their distaste I must say those gals sure know how to hold a grudge. I mean yeah, I tried to break apart their friendship by pitting them against each other, but come on... get over it already.”
The crowd of untrained German Shepherds and regular shepherds watched as Discord stayed floating in midair, his face remaining completely stationary while the rest of his body contorted and jerked around, occasionally knocking over a building or two.
“Same goes for their teacher Celestia... she may have ordered them to free me but trust me when I say she’s also keeping a close eye on me, and for good reason,” Discord continued. “Trying to take over the kingdom all those years ago- okay yeah, sure I did that, but she had no right to be surprised when I managed to break out to try it again. I mean fool me once, am I right?”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you about that,” Jon interjected before his guest could finish another thought which he undoubtedly had. “How did you escape? I would have thought Celestia imprisoning you would mean something but I guess they don’t petrify evil like they used to.”
Wiping his tail across the room to grab himself a pen, Discord in turn grabbed one of Jon’s pieces of paper to begin writing to himself of his experience in Paris, all the while making sure to listen to Jon’s question and answer accordingly.
It was at that moment that Discord realized he forgot how to write, but in an attempt to keep up appearances he began to scribble nonsense all over its surface to the point where there was more ink than paper showing. This would later become Discord’s third highest selling book, right behind ‘How to revive a mockingbird’ and ‘100 ways to drive your man crazy- no I’m serious, literally crazy. He’ll be put in a mental institute.’
“The story of my daring escape is one that I personally looooove telling over and over again any chance I get!” Discord bragged. “Do you know who the Cutie Mark Crusaders are?”
“Oh of course I do! I actually had them on my show not too long ago,” Jon said, slamming his fist through the desk in excitement. “Cute kids, sweet as a button, each a member of a different tribe of pony trying their best to discover who they really are. Yeah I know those three, such lovely, adorable little fillies.”
“They actually freed me from my prison,” Discord added.
“I never did trust those trouble makers,” Jon added while repairing his desk. “Were they trying to get their ‘breaking a convicted felon out of jail’ cutie marks?”
“No, but get this. During one of their field trips they passed by my ‘statue’ and at the time were arguing amongst each other,” Discord said, painting a picture of what happened for all to see by literally painting a picture of what happened that day. “And while I’m encased in stone I still retain my ability to hear so I heard them steadily getting angry with each other... that conflict was just the push needed for me to free myself from my stone prison. Granted there were other mitigating circumstances, like the spell getting weaker since it was cast a thousand years ago and my own power slowly chipping away at it... not to mention the stone used to encase me wasn’t the toughest material. But trust me, my prison may have been falling apart but those three opened the door for me.”
“Magic is such a funny thing,” Jon could only comment while the crowd of disgruntled Walmart employees nodded in agreement. With a snap of his fingers Discord summoned forth a projector which was older than Jon and ten times better in shape. Using the adjacent clicker, he began to alternate between old slides from when Equestrians lived all those years ago.
Ponies wore parachute puff pants, everyone walked like Egyptians, and all the mares had their manes doused in hair spray which was already starting to kill their world’s ozone layer.
“I remember that day clearly... I was free finally for the first time in hundreds of years! I had the Elements of Harmony hidden and their users on the ropes! I was on the verge of once again raining chaos across the land!” Discord said as he posed heroically, his pulsating muscles glistening in the summer heat. “And then I lost to the mane six and was turned into a statue... again... not the highlight of my life to be sure...”
“I believe if you looked up ‘hubris’ in the dictionary you’d see your name,” Jon said as he looked into the dictionary he always kept for his show. “... Huh... it really does.”
“Yeah, I flew a bit too close to the sun that time.” Discord sighed as he snapped his fingers to make the Daily Show ‘applause sign’ turn into an ‘awwww sign’ so the audience would feel sorry for him.
“So let me get this straight... you finally break free from your stone prison after trying to take over the kingdom only to get beaten by the Elements, and the first thing you do is attempt to take over the kingdom? And then you get imprisoned by the Elements again,” Jon surmised for his best friend in the entire universe who once donated a kidney to him even though he didn’t need one but nevertheless took it anyway because they were that close.
“What can I say? I’m a creature of habit, but don’t worry, third time's the charm... OOPS DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD!” Discord jested proudly as he slicked back his hair and adjusted his double breasted suit. “Besiiiides, it’s not like I’m the only person to try this, every villain eventually tries to take over the kingdom; it’s a rite of passage for us. And at the end of the year we sign each other’s yearbooks.”
“Canterlot really needs a proper army with people like you around,” Jon said from behind his riot shield.
“Well it’s true! Luna tried to take over the kingdom, I tried to take over the kingdom... heck, even ol’ King Sombra tried it but he had to go and be Mr. ‘Ooooh I’m going to be unique and try to take over the Crystal Empire instead’... typical of him really, always trying to be different.” Discord teased by lumping his forehead like play dough to create a horn to imitate Sombra. “And of course, let’s not forget our dear acquaintance Queen Chrysalis... she tried to do the same thing but tried a more... roundabout way of doing it. Trying to marry herself into royalty rather than being straightforward about it... humph, that’s sooooooo Chrysey.”
“I had no idea you knew Chrysalis,” Jon said as he sorted his laundry.
“Who, Swiss Cheese? Oooooh yes, I know of her.” Discord chuckled in a way that exposed all his fangs as he rubbed his paw and talon together. “Let’s just say the two of us go back a loooooooooong way, if you catch my drift.”
“Not really,” Jon confessed. “Did you two fuck at one point?”
“JONATHAN!” Discord roared. “GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!”
“I’m trying!” Jon said, his arm halfway down the nearest sewage grate. “But it’s so darn slippery!”
“Our relationship was not romantic in any way... although with all those holes in her body you’d be fine for thinking that.” Discord giggled. “But no, our past is much more complicated... it’s because of me that she is who she is today... though her mind is far too corroded to realize it.”
“I don’t understand,” Jon said in the form of an interpretive dance. “How far back do you two know each other?”
To change things up a bit, Discord snapped his toes to create a new scenery consisting of some remote island that no one had ever heard of. There, Discord wore a Hawaiian shirt which he was totally pulling off while Jon wore a grass skirt and coconut bra which made his curvy figure all the more enticing.
“Quite a ways, but for you to understand this let me ask you something,” Discord said, leaning in as beautiful Caribbean women fanned him with giant banana leaves. “Do you know how the changelings came to be? Has anypony ever told you how they came to be who they are now?”
“As a matter of fact they have, but I’m far too old and senile to remember who told me,” Jon admitted. “If I recall... changelings were once a tribe of pony that lived thousands of years ago. But one day a great evil used an equally evil magic to transform them all into the changelings we know today, corrupting their minds and altering their bodies so they would live forever but only if they feasted on the love of others.”
“Very good Jonathan! You get a gold star!” Discord applauded along with the audience of dying fish. “And here’s your chance to earn another! The dark and evil creature who cursed them... was it: A) Discord, B) Discord, C) Applejack, or D) Discord?”
“Hmmmmmmmmm!” Jon said, rubbing his chin in deep thought. “I’m not quite sure buuuut… I’m leaning towards Applejack.”
“TIMES UP!” Discord yelled as a buzzer rang from off-screen. “It was me! Discord! Master of Chaos.”
“What a shocking turn of events that I swear I didn’t see coming from the next town over!” Jon gasped while a nearby chicken exploded. “Discord, why would you go and do a thing like that? Don’t you know using your power to destroy an entire race of people, turning them into mindless monsters, is a huge no-no?”
“It’s not my fault!... Okay it is, but she made me do it!” Discord whined as he furiously updated his Facebook status.
“Who? Chrysalis?” Jon asked as he logged on to ‘like' Discord’s update status.
“Yeah her! Here's something you might not know! It was Queen Chrysalis who brought that curse on her own people. Her clan of ponies was slowly dying and was on the verge of extinction,” Discord revealed to Jon and a crowd of no one. “So she came to me and made a deal that I would use my magic to make them immortal for a short time so they could procreate and up their birthrates for just long enough to rebuild their slowly dying culture. And like the helpful Chimera that I am, I obliged and she got what she wanted... but at a price.”
“Oh my God!” Jon roared. “You can talk?!... Wait, where were we?... Oh right... so what was this price?”
“Yes, well... as I said she got what she wanted... unfortunately what she didn’t count on was the fact that in exchange for eternal life both she and her people would transform into rabid monsters obsessed with power.” Discord giggled. “Ironically, her mind is so far gone that she no longer cares about her people, she just craves power.”
“So wait... why did you do all this to them again?” Jon wondered as woodland creatures gathered around them for more story time. “Did you not like her or what?”
“Why? I’ll tell you why... because it was fun! To this day it is the greatest prank I ever pulled! You see, the joke was they could only survive off love, but I made them all so horrifically ugly that no one could ever love such grotesque monsters!” Discord said. “The punchline? They would all die from starvation since they needed said love to maintain their immortality... but then they went and ruined it by adapting and teaching themselves the art of shape-shifting and managing to stave off death a few more hundreds of years.”
“You kids and your genocide pranks!” Jon scolded with a sigh and a smile. “Whatever happened to whoopee cushions?”
“My plan would have worked too! I may have been more powerful back then but I was also quite the cocky young troublemaker. You see, another reason I cursed them all was because I was attempting to see the full range of my magic... destroying an entire race of ponies seemed like a good acid test at the time,” Discord said while idly throwing bread crumbs at a flock of elderly people. “But as it turns out some changelings managed to avoid getting fully affected. All of them had their bodies altered yes, but I hear that some changelings actually retained their sanity... but what’s done is done… in the end I still get the last laugh.”
“Last laugh?” Jon echoed. “What’s all this then? Explain your words!”
The crowd of Ryan Gosling lookalikes were on the edge of their seats, their eyes and ears more focused now than ever in their lives as they eagerly waited for Discord to speak his mind which to them was as pure as silk and warm as honey.
“Well here’s the thing... since I’ve been imprisoned for so long I’ve actually gotten a bit weaker... I’m out of shape as you can see.” Discord demonstrated by snapping his fingers to turn the set into a men's locker room where he weighed himself on a scale, prompting it to break. “What I’m saying is I’m the only person who can lift their curse but since I’ve lost some of my power I can’t reverse it even if I wanted to... their stuck as monsters for all eternity and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”
“And how does Chrysalis feel about this?” Jon asked. “Does she hate you for what you did or does she like her new power?”
“Oh she doesn’t remember,” Discord answered as he viewed himself in his vanity mirror. “Poor girl’s mind is so corrupted that she can’t remember who did this to her... good thing too since we know each other and if she found out it was me things would be aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawkward!”
“Let me ask you something,” Jon said as the pressure was starting to return to his stomach. “Do you ever regret doing what you did?”
With snap after snap of his fingers, Discord made the room shift in form and color till he found a combination he liked. He settled for a rustic cabin in the woods motif only instead of wood everything was constructed from pure candy.
“You know, I’ve never thought about whether I do or not. Here, let me,” Discord said as he turned in his chair to address himself standing behind him. “Hey Discord? Do you feel sowwy about what you did?”
“Certainly not, Discord,” Discord said.
“Certainly not, Jonathan,” Discord answered after swinging back around. Discord was so wrapped up in his own tomfoolery that he didn’t notice Jon was starting to become less demented.
“Okay but... really? Not even a little?” Jon inquired further. “Because of you they have grown in numbers and went on to do many terrible things in Equestria. Sure it was their idea to invade Canterlot but they wouldn’t even be like that were it not for you.”
“Oh please Jon, don’t bother me with the details,” Discord said as he snapped his fingers to make his chair turn into a thrown for which he could sit on. “Such things are not my problem. Besides, they’ve caused many trouble so why should I care?”
“Well... okay, let me offer onto you a hypothetical,” Jon said as he tried his best to not get dizzy from his distorting vision. “Let’s say... let’s say if instead of Canterlot the changelings invaded Ponyville... and instead of harming and capturing Celestia, Queen Chrysalis instead captured Fluttershy... what say you then?”
At this point in the interview, Discord was sitting comfortably in his throne with both hands on the armrests in perfect harmony, floating without a care. Hearing this hypothetical scenario didn’t seem to have any adverse effect on him, but soon Jon saw some signs of discomfort about him when his body started to shake, his smile seeming more forced and his grip intensifying to the point the armrests exploded into pieces as his fists had applied a great amount of pressure.
“Jon... let... let me put it this way... if Chrysalis... or any other changeling for that matter tried to harm Fluttershy,” Discord began as the walls started to melt and fire engulfed the studio, slowly spreading from one side of the room to the other, “I’d make sure their people would pay dearly by wiping them off the face of the Earth... for real this time.”
Rising from his seat, Discord began to grow in size, slowly metamorphosing into a giant version of himself with the flames he had conjured up doing the same with him. To demonstrate how serious he was he snapped his fingers which caused the audience to disappear in a flash without any trace of them ever existing.
“I’d start by destroying each and every one of their colonies... even the ones filled with rouge changelings. Then I’d attack them at the heart by going to the main hive and wiping them all out one by one, leaving Queen Chrysalis as the only survivor. Once I was sure she was the last one I would use every ounce of magic I could muster to cure her of her curse somehow just so she could see with her own, untrained eyes that her entire people, everypony she tried desperately to save, is no more... then, once it was clear that she was the sole survivor of her own race, I would finally lay my vengeance by-- HEY I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA!” Discord exclaimed as he quickly reverted back to his normal size and extinguished the flames that were engulfing the two of them, bringing things back to his level of normality. “All this talk of Fluttershy has got me thinking... why not have her on your show sometime!”
“Fluttershy?” Jon asked with a raised eyebrow. “On my show?”
“But of course! Oh it would be such fun to see her on live television, wouldn't you agree!” Discord said with frantic breath. “I can just see it now! It would be such a nice change of pace for her to be out of her element, so to speak. If you did this I’d really owe you one.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon,” Jon had to break to him. “I’ve actually offered her a spot on my show on multiple occasions but she’s turned down my offer every single time... I get the feeling she’s too shy to be on multi-national television.”
“Hmm, that certainly does sound like dear Fluttershy,” Discord was forced to admit. “But perhaps... perhaps I can be of some assistance!”
“How so?” Jon asked as Discord raised his hand like he was offering a high-five but in practice had Jon’s work cellphone spring forth from his jacket and into his claw like Magneto manipulating a scrap of metal.
“How about this... I’ll hold onto this for you, by which I mean I’m going to steal this, and when you come looking for it you’ll have no choice but to run into Fluttershy since I often live with her,” Discord explained. “From there I’ll make it so she accepts your eventual offer of traveling to your world... of course you’ll have no memory of this plan but I’m certain you’ll come looking for this in due time while I look through your gallery.”
“This plan of yours is stupid, convoluted, unrealistic, and I’m so on board!” Jon said as he reached behind him to shake Discord’s hand. “Now then! How will you do it? How will you convince her?”
“Oh dear, sweet Jonathan, I would love to go into detail but I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today!” Discord revealed as tears ran up his cheeks and into his eyes. “I’m sorry to say that I must take my leave now!”
“You can’t be serious!” Jon moaned. “You can’t stay a little bit longer?”
“Oh I’d love to Jon, believe me I would! I still haven’t gotten to my story about how I managed to prank Celestia by switching her shampoo bottle with paint, causing her mane to become rainbow in the first place!” Discord said as he reached into Jon’s ear to produce a golden pocket watch the size of a basketball, and instead of a face the clock simply read ‘now.’ “But good heavens, look at the time! Fluttershy is expecting me to join her for our daily snack time in ten minutes! I simply cannot stay any longer! If I’m late she might get worried. She’s such a mother hen that one is!”
“I understand, I myself was supposed to join my wife for lunch hours ago,” Jon blissfully stated without the weight of his statement taking effect. “Well nevertheless it was an absolute joy having you on the show Discord! May the rest of your days be filled with only the finest of puddings.”
“Thank you very much for having me!” Discord said with a bashful tone and blushed cheeks. “I promise to never invade your world.”
“But don’t let that stop you from visiting us sometime,” Jon offered as he turned the wrong way to face the audience. “Discord, The God of Chaos everyone! We won't be right back!”
With no one left to operate the camera, Discord took it upon himself to simulate the illusion of the current scene zooming out by using his powers to upheave the entire desk both he and Jon were sitting at and slowly having it drift away from the camera and into the void of nothingness.
All the while Jon leaned in to whisper something into his ear apparently so funny that Discord’s midsection fell to the ground and ran away as he had successfully laughed his buttocks off. Before the screen went dark to make way for the commercials, the Daily Show slogan flew on sight but it was hours late and drunk so it was going to be fired- which is heartbreaking considering it has an advert-wife and three logo-children to look after.
All this occurred within seconds; leading to the moment Discord released his grip over Jon’s mind, and like a drowning man finally being given air, Jon was permitted to return to safety.
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Discord is a huge, unrepentant dick. Exactly as we want him.
Couldn´t the Elements reverse the changeling curse? their power is greater than Discord´s.
so... from what I understand _______________________________________________________________________________Discord______________________________________Jon Stewart(Not the Green Lantern)_________________Pinkie Pie_______________Chocolate milk__________________Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy_________________
_________________________________
My brain is broken.
Luna turns evil if we don't get Episode 3. Of Half-Life 2?
I would expect nothing less from mai waifu.
... it isn't funny anymore.
1.bp.blogspot.com/-N7V8dzMGtUE/TpPQ8Owu_EI/AAAAAAAAA1w/Sfg4rOBdkOw/s1600/Joker+-+Batman+686.jpg
K’know what? Fuck it. I was going to make this a top ten list, but that was too limiting, so here are my top twenty favorite jokes of Discord’s interview:
#20
#19
#18
#17
#16
#15
#14
#13
#12
#11
#10
#9
#8
#7
#6
#5
#4
#3
#2
#1
-----
Also, let's not forget about:
The Top Ten Best Gag Titles
#10
“Celestia tries to legalize everything... yes, even that.”
#9
“Fluttershy gets married to the next person who dials 1-800-get-that-shy.”
#8
“Applejack likes big flanks and she cannot lie.”
#7
“Ms. Cheerilee gets tenure; proceeds to stop giving a fuck.”
#6
“Luna marries a ceiling fan.”
#5
“Celestia comes in second place in a Celestia-look-alike contest.”
#4
“Celestia lies about her age on eHarmony.”
#3
“Twilight dies in an unfortunate checkers accident.”
#2
“Local police station’s entire staff loses will to live after Ponyville’s 78th monster attack.”
#1
“Luna gets drunk and makes a dick figure with the stars.”
Incidentally:
Oh please, that’s nothing.
Okay I know this is a dream fueled by Discord but you went a bit overboard with the random chaos, to the point where it isn't funny, it's just annoying.
Poor Daily Show Logo!
Now it'll have to get a job as a news crawl for CNBC or something like that. You monster.
I am so confuse.
Why do I have a feeling those two are inexplicably connected?
Oh, and I didn't know changelings came in red. :P
skip to 0:29
DISCORD!!!!!