• Published 24th Jul 2012
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The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews - Daily Show Ponies



Jon Stewart interviews various MLP: FiM characters at the end of an episode of 'The Daily Show'

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Episode 17 [Rarity]: Jon can take no more

Getting Rarity back to her own place was easy; it was the rumors of him down on one knee while passionately locking eyes with her that would be hard to explain down the road. But that wouldn't be till much later.

At the moment the both of them were back at Carousel Boutique, with Jon idly sitting down drumming his fingers while Rarity paced back and forth, unable to contain herself. The room was still as messy as when they left it but Rarity didn’t seem to notice; all that was on her mind was convincing the already convinced Jon about the prospect of having her on his show.

“So I’ve already booked our stay at the restaurant up in Canterlot.” She mused, in a tone that she normally reserved for special occasions.

“Rarity.” Jon called out from his seat atop the large suitcase. But to no avail.

“From there we will share an exclusive boat ride in the private pony-made lake at the Canterlot Country club.” She continued.

“Rarity, you really don’t have to.” Jon said once more.

“I’ve already pulled a couple of strings with the owner so the entire lake will be closed off to the public... nopony will be bother us.” She bragged.

“Rarity I’ve already decided you can be on the show.” Jon implored. “You can stop now.”

“Oh dear I just realized! We’re going to be dining at the one the most exclusive restaurants in all of Equestria and I haven’t a thing to wear!” She said, inadvertently ignoring Jon once more.

“Rarity you can be my next guest!” He said, this time in a slightly louder tone.

“Dear me how could I have been so foolish!” She said while falling backwards onto nearby pile of clothing she claimed to not have. “Whatever shall a mare to do!?”

“You can come on my show.” He offered.

“WAIT! I got it! I’ll make a new outfit!” She announced.

“Rarity, I’m going to carve my initials into the side of your glass case.” Jon threatened.

“An outfit so extravagant that when the high class ponies of Canterlot see me they’ll collapse at the mere sight of my sophistication!” She continued. “Then you’ll have no choice but to see that I have what it takes to be on your program!”

“Rarity, I’m going to kidnap your sister.” Jon warned.

“Yes! That’s perfect!” She responded. “You wait here and promise to not make your decision yet while I get started on the concept design! It only only take a few minutes.”

Reaching into the pocket of his new suit Jon pulled out his trusty lighter which only ever used during emergencies or if a friend needed a light. With a quick hand gesture he opened it, producing a single flame.

“Rarity if you don’t stop talking I will burn this boutique to the ground.” He clearly vowed.

“Well of course I’ll make you a hat to go along with your new suit!” Rarity responded. “Honestly Jonathan, do not be afraid to ask.”

With a sigh Jon withdrew his lighter and watched as the passionate unicorn leapt from her spot and ran off to the back room to grab some supplies.

“Now Jonathan do be a dear and stay put while I prepare for our night on the town.” She said grabbing bits of fabric and tools along the way with her horn. “I need to make our dinner ware and call to see if they’ll be playing the right music. We wouldn't want anything to go wrong tonight now do we?”

Without even waiting for an answer she disappeared behind a door where she normally conducted business that didn’t involve actually making clothing, leaving Jon alone one again. Jon liked Rarity for who she was, especially as a potential guest since she was charming, charitable, influential, tenacious, and based on her apparent connections, well respected within her community... but at the same Jon was somewhat frightened by how tenacious she was.

Getting up to stretch he walked to one end of the room to the other to get the blood flowing; at his age if he sat still doing nothing for long periods of time he’d likely fall asleep. From where Rarity vanished Jon could hear the faint sound of her scrambling to get supplies as well as anything else she might need. Stopping for a second Jon chuckled to himself and shook his head at the thought.

At that moment however Jon heard another sound coming from another door, this time coming from the front entrance of the shop. When he turned around could barely make out two figures walking through the entrance ; it was hard to say who they were since the store was still a complete mess.

Though when one of the two figures spoke it was very clear as to who it was.

“Jon!” The voice called out. “Are you here, Jon?” He now had a plan.

“Over here, Twilight!” He called out, immediately causing whomever was with her to start running towards Jon’s general direction. In anticipation for this Jon jumped from his seat and crouched down a few feet away half in and half out of a rack of hanged dresses, his body poised like a catcher ready to seize a baseball thrown by a pitcher.

A few shuffling of hanging clothes later and it was revealed that the person who came in with Twilight was none other than her assistant Spike the dragon, he jumped into view to where he thought he heard Jon calling out from. From this angle he couldn’t see him since he had stealthily placed himself right behind the purple dragon.

Twilight had just caught up to where Spike was and right as one of them was about to ask the other as to the whereabouts of their human friend Jon leapt forward and grabbed spike with one hand while placing his other hand over his mouth.

“GIMME YO LUNCH MONEY!” Jon yelled in a thuggish voice. For the briefest of moments it looked as if Twilight was about to attack Spike’s would-be mugger, but once it was clear, at least to her, that it was Jon she gave a sigh of relief and a slight grin at the inevitable rough housing that came naturally between the two.

The plan at this point was to not let go of the now struggling Spike till he himself figured out that he was being “attacked” by Jon. Or least that’s what he would have done were it not for his hand which now felt like he had placed it on a skillet slowly being turned on. Without thinking Jon dropped spike as he recoiled his hand.

AARGH!” He cried out in pain.

The second his hand left Spike’s mouth a burst of green fire exploded causing a surprised Jon to stumble back where he collided with a standing rack of clothing. When spike turned around he was still confused by who it was that attacked him since the intruder now laid under a pile of clothes. It wasn’t until Twilight used her magic to lift a series of dresses off, like a showgirl unveiling a new car, did Spike understand what was going on.

“JON!” Spike yelped out of joy. Just as Jon had predicted the tiny baby dragon launched himself at Jon’s face like a baby Xenomorph, leaving him a very small window of time to react. Twilight slowly approached the two as the comedian struggled to tear Spike off of him, mostly so he could breath.

“Hey buddy.” Jon smiled as he sat up, crossed his legs and placed Spike on his lap like he was Father Christmas. “Long time no see.”

The same hand that he used to prevent Spike from talking was slightly charred and still smoldering. Again he yelped in pain when he placed it against the ground to hoist himself up. He might've attempted to try and remedy it with some kind of bandaging or ointment but before he could even ask it began to heal on its own. It was now being attended to by Twilight who was casting a quick and simple healing spell while the other hand was being used as lumbar support for the tiny dragon; he could now see the damage he did to his friend.

“Oh gosh Jon, I’m so sorry!” Spike exclaimed, as he caught a view of the slight burn marks on Jon’s elderly hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt you! I-I was just startled and when I’m scared sometimes I... well yeah... I’m sorry.”

“Hey forget about it; I had it coming.” Jon urged as Twilight used her simple magic to cause all burns to slowly vanish. “Mother always told me when I was but a lad that I shouldn't go around scaring dragons or things like this would happen... was asking for trouble really.”

The two of them shared a laugh while Twilight put the finishing touches on Jon’s now completely healed hand.

“Aaaand there we are!” She said. “Your hand is as good as new.”

“Yeah, nothing about me is ‘new’... still though, thanks Twi. That’s three I owe you,” Jon said. “So... what are you guys doing here?”

Before twilight could answer Spike intercepted the question

“Hey! We could ask you the same question.” Spike responded while wagging a scaley finger at him. “What are you doing here!”

In jest Jon threw both hands up in a gesture of surrender which almost caused Spike to tumble backwards like a baby who was still learning to walk. While Jon quickly made sure he didn’t fall Twilight took the opportunity to state her own hypothesis.

“I bet I know why you’re here, Jon.” She theorized while lightly rubbed her chin with her hoof.

“You do?” Jon asked.

“I think so... it’s why you came to Ponyville in the first place. Remember our conversation this morning?” She reminded. “I’ll bet you are here to ask Rarity to be on your show!”

There was a moment of confusion on Jon’s part brought on by her speculation. He had forgotten that his lie to Twilight about wanting to find a guest had evolved into actuality. For Twilight he was here for his show and while that certainly was the case now it was much different than his original plan.

“O-oh yeah! That’s right!” Jon agreed, doing his best to not draw suspicion. “Yep, that’s why I’m here alright! You got me; I’m came to ask your friend Rarity to be my next guest.”

This sudden news was well received for all who were fortunate enough to hear it, with one individual notably more excited.

“Wow really!” Spike jumped from his seat from pure joy. “That’s great!”

“Yes, this is indeed wonderful news!” Twilight added. “I’m sure the two of you will have a fun time on national television... tell us how did Rarity take the news?”

This question left Jon silent as he wondered how exactly to answer it.

“You did tell her that she can be your next guest... right?” Twilight continued.

“Well of course I did but... but... but she won’t listen to a darn word I say.” Jon explained. “I’ve tried to explain to her as much as possible, but she won’t stop doing me favors to try and earn a guest slot that she already owns... I mean there’s being nice and then there’s going overboard.”

“Yes that... that certainly does sound like our Rarity.” An embarrassed Twilight forced herself to admit.

“It’s almost insufferable. Whenever I try to explain things to her, she insists on a new outing for us to do.” Jon complained. “I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed before, but your friend Rarity is a bit of a drama queen.”

This statement alone was enough to award Jon with the title of captain obvious, and the trophy that came with it; if such a thing existed.

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it.” Twilight sighed.

“B-but you’re still going to have her on your show right!” Spike demanded to know, arguably looking more concerned about this possible appearance than Rarity herself. “I mean you still should! Rarity would make a great guest for your show! She’s nice, talented, caring and, and, and she’s the most wonderfulest pony ever to exist!... uh, no offense Twilight.”

None was taken from her end till just then, which made Jon laugh like a madman. After he was done, he wiped away a lone tear and began to rub Spike’s back.

“Hey, hey don’t worry kiddo I still mean to have her on the show.” Jon assured Spike which caused him to let out a sigh of relief. “But I’m sure her segment won’t hold a candle to yours. Isn’t that right number one?”

“Aw shucks I’m nopony special!” Spike argued.

“Hey don’t sell yourself short, son.” Jon advised. “Afterall I still think your interview was the best ‘Equestrian Interview’ I’ve ever conducted... uh, no offense Twilight.”

Again Twilight didn’t even think about it till it was brought up, prompting her to roll her eyes and verbally express her dismay with a grunt, causing both Jon and Spike to giggle to themselves like a couple of school kids who had just pulled a prank on a fellow classmate.

“But hey! I already answered your guys’ question so now it’s your turn!” Jon demanded. “What are you two doing here?”

The two mythical creatures shared a quick glance with Spike giving a nod for Twilight to explain.

“Well it’s simple really, we came here looking for you Jon.” She revealed. “I wanted to see if you needed further assistance during your stay in our world; or at the very least needed me to transport you back to your world since the Princess is still busy.”

“Ah, Celestia still not answering your calls?” Jon asked.

“That’s right... but not to worry, once you’re ready to head back home I’ll be more than happy to do it for you.” She offered. “Though before I do you’ll still need to actually let Rarity know she got the part... and by the sound if it that may be easier said than done.”

“You're telling me! You wouldn't believe the stuff I’ve had to put up with all for the sake of that pony!” Jon exclaimed. “Did you know that she dragged me to go to the spa where I was forced to have a body massage, mud bath, and face cleaning!?”

Twilight gave Jon an odd look since what he was describing didn’t particularly sound daunting or inconvenient in the slightest.

“Also is this a new suit?” Spike asked she he rubbed his scaley palm cross the sleeve of his sports jacket.

“It is! She made it for me along with a bathrobe and a new pair of swim trunks! ” Jon explained as Twilight continued to shoot him odd looks. “And now she’s taking me to dinner in Canterlot and then we’re going to share a boat ride! I swear at this rate I think she’ll let me go all the way with her if it means she can be on the show.”

Twilight just sighed and shook her head at Jon’s crude humor, especially in front of young Spike who now looked visibly concerned. She would have scolded him for it but just then someone came into the room.

As if thinking about her caused her to materialize, Rarity suddenly burst back into the open after using her magic to throw the door open. What followed was the white and purple unicorn walking very slowly as she used her magic to balance a large amount of fabric in front of her to the point where she couldn't see where she was going.

“Right then, Jonathan! I believe I have all the necessary equipment needed to make our dinner wares for the evening!” She said as she made her way to the center of the room.

Gently she placed the various goods and tools to the side so she could get a good look at Jon.

“Though I’m afraid I’ve lost your measurements, so I’m going to need you to once again...oh! Twilight and Spike? My this is a pleasant surprise.” She said as her mind adjusted to the fact that she now had more guests to attend to. “I had no idea you two were coming by for a visit... had I known I would have spruced the place up. Might I ask why you two are present in my house?”

Before any of the two friends she was addressing could speak Jon decided to step in as this seemed like an ideal opportunity to straighten things out.

“These two are here because of me.” Jon revealed. “This is perfect actually because I wanted to--”

JON’S MARRIED!” A voice shrieked, startling the adults in the room. Eventually everyone followed the source to the outburst over to Spike who was now standing in front of Jon and point at him while staring at Rarity. “H-he... He’s married and has two kids, you know!”

“I... um y-yes I am well aware of that.” Rarity acknowledged, confused as to why he would even bring up a seemingly trivial point.

“Good because you don’t need to do anything else!” Spike continued, still not entirely satisfied. “He’s married AND he’s already made a decision so you don’t have to go all the way with him!”

Like before, when he first ran into the center of the room, someone came up behind Spike and grabbed him, only this time it was a hoof covering his mouth. Twilight used her magic to yank Spike towards her like a fish on a line and, being more experienced in such matter, covered his snout in a way where she wouldn't get burned by any loose flames.

“I’m sorry but, go all the way where now?” Rarity asked the obviously gagged dragon. “I’m afraid I haven't the faintest idea of what you’re talking about.”

Struggling to speak Spike attempted to break free from Twilight’s magic grip, a task which proved impossible for the chubby baby dragon.

“Oh don’t mind Spike!” Twilight nervously chuckled as she began to slowly walk backwards. “These kids can say... just the oddest things!”

Turning her attention now on Jon, Rarity gave him the same look of confusion as she did to Spike.

“Jonathan, what did he mean by ‘you’ve already made a decision?’” She asked. “What’s going on here.” But he didn’t answer right away; he was still fixated on Spike’s outburst. The next person to talk was actually the one currently manhandling him.

“Jon! Tell her before it’s too late!” Twilight urged as she dragged the still struggling dragon around a corner of clothing, before disappearing.

“Tell me what?” Rarity asked.

“O-oh um... yes I uh, that is to say... Rarity!... I-- based on what I’ve seen today I’ve made a decision on whether or not to have you on my show.” Jon announced causing Rarity’s ears to shoot up, now taking notice. As if her legs couldn't take it she fell down to a sitting position with laser focused attention. “Taking into consideration the events that have transpired today and, the suggestion of various third party consultants I have decided that you, Rarity whatever-your-last-name-is, shall be the nest guest to be interviewed on ‘The Daily Show.’”

Like a poorly signaled satellite interview it seemed like the information didn’t reach Rarity’s mind till a few seconds after it had been uttered by Jon. Visibly she was shaking and it look as if she would explode with any number of emotion at a moment’s notice. Contrary to what Jon thought would happen she calmly got up, brushed up any loose follicles of her person and took a deep breath.

“I see,” she said as she slowly walked backwards to make her way back to her office. “If you’ll excuse me Jonathan I need to um... think matters over before I can accept your offer.”

Waving his hand for her to go, Jon watched as Rarity disappeared behind the door she had previously came out of. What followed was the sound of girlish screams and what sounded like her jumping up and down furiously. Jon would not have categorized it as discrete; even from a room over she was making more noise than Jon did when his hand got burned.

“I think that’s a yes.” Jon mumbled before the white coated unicorn emerged from her work room and back to where she had previously heard the news.

“Ahem... I have decided that, yes, I accept your humblest of invitations... I would gladly spare some time to attend your program.” She said, causing her to smile a most giddy smile. “Actually... would you excuse me for a moment?”

Again Jon waved for her to go and again she rushed into her room to put on an encore performance of her evidential joy. A few seconds later the door swung open and in a blink of an eyes she rushed out to confront him face to face.

“Tell me Jon! What made you finally decide on having me!? What was the determining factor!?” She demanded to know, apparently still having some left over vigor. “Was it it the spa!? Oh, oh, oh, oh I bet it was the suit, wasn’t it!?”

Revealing that it was actually her sister, and her two friends, who basically forced him to agreeing to have Rarity might’ve been too awkward an option to consider. Not only would it mean that Jon’s decision wasn’t based on pure merit alone but that all of Rarity’s charitable gifts and services, which he accepted, were all for naught.

Jon didn’t want to sound like a pushover or some kind of con-man so he needed a convenient scapegoat. And as Twilight returned back to the center of the room he found one, or rather in this case, it was a scapedragon.

“Actually it was Spike.” Jon revealed as the dragon rounded the corner with Twilight.

“Spike?” The two unicorns said in unison.

“M-me?” Spike wondered since he was lacking the context of what was being discussed.

“Yeah Spike. I’ll admit I was on the fence about having ya for a bit, but then Spike here informed me about how I should have you regardless.” Jon explained. “He told me how you were the best choice... I believe he said something along the lines of you were the nicest most wonderful pony in the entire history of forever.”

Turning ever so slightly to her side Rarity was now staring directly into Spike’s eyes which were as wide and surprised as her own.

“Spike dear... is this true?” She asked.

“U-uuuuh yes! Yes it is!” Spike boasted as he put his hands on his hips. Slowly Spike felt as if he was being drawn in by some unknown force; before he had the chance to open his eyes Rarity had already used her magic to yank the small dragon to her like he was attacked to the end of a bungie cord.

“OH THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, SPIKE!” She squealed while hugging him so tightly his face started to change colors from lack of oxygen. Though the color came back in the form of red when she leaned in to give him a thankful kiss on the cheek. “You are the best friend a girl can ever have, ever!... oh, no offense Twilight dear.”

Rather than bothering to acknowledge her, Twilight just ignored her comment and focused on picking up Spike from the ground after Rarity let got of him. A difficult task since Rarity’s kiss left him immobilized.

“Jonathan, Spike... I can’t thank you enough for what you two have done today!” Rarity announced while placing both her hooves over her heart.

“Eh don’t worry about it; that’s what friends do.” Jon responded. “Ain't that right Spike?”

Spike tried to respond as well but everything that passed his lips just turned to nonsensical gibberish as he caressed the spot on his cheek where Rarity kissed him.

“No, no, no I feel I must thank you both! It would only be proper for a lady such as myself.” She said as an idea crept it’s way into her head. “AH! I know! Why don’t I treat everypony here for a session at the Spa, my treat.”

“Wait what!” Jon barked. “Again!?”

“Why of course!” Rarity exclaimed. “All this talk about business has left me rather tense... I could use another session to clear my mind... and of course Twilight and Spike will be joining us.”

Jon’s back tensed up at the thought of going back there so soon.

“Oh and afterwards we can all go to Canterlot for that dinner reservation; my treat.” Rarity continued as she idly began to walk back to her work room. “I’m sure I can convince them to add two more chairs to the table, but of course we’ll need to look our best so I better get started on those outfits I was talking about before... OH and wouldn’t it just be the most adorable thing ever if Spike came dressed as...”

Without even waiting for Rarity to exit the room Jon threw his hand to the side, without looking, and grabbed Twilight by the scruff of her neck. With all his strength he yanked her to him with a face that suggested he couldn’t take any more.

“Twilight.” Jon sneered. “Get me the fuck out of here.”

“U-uh sure.” She responded somewhat frightened tone. Letting go of his purple friend Jon stood and readied himself for the incoming spell; a somewhat premature notion since it would take Twilight a few minutes to get things started. “Just give me a second to get the spell ready.”

As twilight began to regulate the flow of magic to a dense cluster at the tip of her horn Spike was just starting to regain full consciousness long enough for Jon to actually carry a conversation with him.

“L-l-l-l-l-leaving... already, Joooon.” Spike blabbered as he tried to stand himself up on his jello legs.

“Hell yes!” Jon said, now noticing Spike’s dazed expression. “You going to be alright, Spike?”

“Yeeeeeaaaaaah.” Spike moaned as he continued to rub the side of his face. “I’ll be fine.”

With Twilight busy Jon decided to take this time to ask him something that had been bother him for awhile now.

“Good cause I want to ask you something.” Jon continued. “How exactly did you and Twilight know where I was? I didn’t tell anyone that I was here nor did I tell Twilight that I was looking for Rarity... or anyone for that matter.”

“Oh... O-oh well that’s cause there’ve been rumors spreading all over ponyville about you and Rarity hanging out together.” Spike revealed now more focused. “Everypony in town knows about it.”

“Oh great, everyone is talking about us” Jon moaned, as he shook his head. “But then again I should be used to this by now... same thing happens back in the human world too. You know I remember this one Halloween there was this incident where...”

Before he could finish Jon went silent as a thought crossed his mind, a thought powerful enough to paralyze him where he stood and send a cold shiver of fear down his back like he was sure he was about to die.

“Jon?” Spike asked as he tugged on his pant leg. “W-what's wrong.”

“Spike?” Jon said. “When you said everypony knew about us... did you really mean... everypo--”

His question was tragically cut short by what sounded like a bird flying straight into a window; it came from behind them. When Jon slowly turned around to investigate he saw what had caused it and immediately felt a chill go through his very heart like nothing he had ever felt before.

Just outside the door to Carousel Boutique a pony was pressing her face against the glass window of Rarity’s front door. Even from far away Jon could properly identify who it was. He prayed he was wrong in his assumption but the second the pony began to speak his suspicions were cemented and his fear justified.

“HI JON!” Lyra yelled as she tried to open the door. “I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER TOWN FOR YOU!”

“Oh hello Lyra.” Spike waved. “What brings you--”

TWILIGHT DO IT NOW!” Jon yelled as he dropped to both knees in an attempt to simultaneously hid from Lyra and beg to Twilight. “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND ME BACK HOME RIGHT NOW!

“H-hold on a minute.” Twilight said as she struggled to gather up the necessary amount of magic needed. “I’m... not... quite done ye--”

I DONT CARE!” Jon roared as the sound of the front door opening caused him to yell even louder. “DO IT NOW! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO--

Following the same path that Twilight and Spike took, as indicated by the clothes spread apart forming a trial, Lyra ran to the center of the room just in time to see Jon disappear behind an explosion of colorful magic. Before her brain to register what had happened she leapt through the cloud of spoke only to land face first onto the ground.

Had she entered the building a second earlier she would have made contact with Jon long enough to get transported back to the human world along with him

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Lyra moaned. “Horse apples!”

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