The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Episode 11 [Rainbow Dash]: Rainbow Dash won't take no for an answer

Even though he was still delirious from his near death experience there was no doubt in Jon's mind that the pony who had just rescued him was Rainbow Dash. He had never met her before but her mane was a dead giveaway. At this point though it didn't matter who rescued him, all that mattered was that thanks to her he would live to see another day.

"You gonna be ok Mr.?" She asked, her rainbow mane brushing against Jon's face.

"Oh god, thank you!" Jon blurted out as he relaxed his body. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Heh heh no problem," She responded proudly. Soon after her large eyes widened as a result of her making a sudden realization.

"Heeeeey I know you!" She said, flapping her wings harder with excitement. "You're the guy form the TV...Jon Stewart! Oh wow, I love your show!"

In his weakened state Jon was unable to hold is head up any longer, he slumped down in a mixture of relief and exhaustion. Rainbow Dash on the other hand was bursting with energy and was still trying to talk to him.

"What were you doing in Cloudsdale?" She asked while still being able to hold up his dead weight body. "How did you even get all the way up there?"

"Look....Rainbow Dash." Jon said in a low lifeless sounding voice. "I don't mean to be...rude here but could you please save any and all questions till I'm back on solid ground?"

"Oh right, sorry." She said with a slight laugh. "Don't worry Johnny I'll get ya back down!" Flapping her wings even harder she gained a little bit of altitude and took a deep breath like she was about to do a power-dive.

"SLOWLY PLEASE!" Jon yelled, once again grabbing his heart. "Please I just...please just set me down...nice and slowly...please...I don't want to fall."

She obliged and began to descend at a slow enough pace that there was very little to no turbulence. Jon now felt more relaxed about his present situation and as a result his breathing regulated itself to longer deep breaths. His sense of relief was then broken by the sound of his savior trying to talk to him again.

"Soooo why were you in Cloudsdale?" She repeated, convinced that she had waited long enough to start asking questions again. Jon took a very deep and lengthy sigh to convey his feelings but Rainbow Dash was still awaiting an answer. With all that had happened Jon momentary forgot why he was even there in the first place but it all came back to him.

"I...I was...I'm here on business." Jon responded thinking his answer would be enough for her and that she would drop the subject...she didn't

"What kind of business?" She responded by whispering in Jon's ear. "Come oooon you can tell me!"

"Look here Ms. Dash you seem like a nice kid," Jon said. "So...I'm just going to be honest with you. I don't--"

"OH OH wait were you here looking for somepony to be on your show!?" She interrupted excitedly, rocking back and forth in the process.

"Hey, hey, hey! Watch it will ya!?" Jon said as he lightly flailed his legs.

"Well!?" She asked, her downward flight coming to a stop. "Were ya?"

"Yes, yes, you're right! I was scouting for talent!" Jon said feeling slightly nervous. "I was looking for a my next guest. Now can you please just keep going down!?"

Once again they made their decent only this time she was swaying back and forth out of joy which only made Jon feel ill.

"ALRIGHT! I knew you'd get my letters!" She said triumphantly. "I can't freaking wait! When do you need me by?"

"W-what are you talking about?" He asked as he was being rocked back and forth like a rag doll.

"My letters to you, duh!" She said. "I've sent you like twenty of them asking if I can be on your show and now you've finally come to get me! This is so awesome!"

When he thought about it Jon could vaguely recall getting a few letters from her requesting that she be on his show. If he recalled correctly they were the ones with really bad penmanship. Since she was also a member of the Elements of Harmony Jon wanted to cash in on her willingness to appear at a later time, preferably on a rainy day or special occasion. This not being one of them.

"Oh yeah right...look about that," Jon said trying his best to sound respectful. "I appreciate your offer but the thing is--"

"Although you really should have called me first or sent me a letter back," Rainbow Dash interrupted. "I don't know how you got up there but it's dangerous for an outsider to go to Cloudsdale...only a Pegasus can walk on clouds ya know."

"Ok, but look I've alre-- wait...wait what did you say?" He said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I saaaaaid only us Pegasi can walk on clouds," she repeated. "Anypony else who tries ends up...well like you."

For the good of his health Jon tried to not get angry but instead took deep breaths to calm himself. He focused not on ways he would pound Trixie into gravy but on how he would now have to shatter the dreams of his winged friend.

"Ok...look kid...I appreciate your enthusiasm but I didn't come to Cloudsdale looking for you." He said much to the shock of Rainbow Dash. "I came here looking for a pony named 'Fluttershy.'" Again the two stopped their decent which annoyed Jon to no end.

"WHAT! FLUTTERSHY!?" She exclaimed incredulously. "Why would you want to interview her!? I would make a waaay better guest than that scaredy pony! I mean with me ya get the whole package! I'm strong, fast, have loads of charisma, good looks, and not to mention I know how to--"

"Rainbow Dash at this rate I won't even make it back in time to start the show!" Jon interrupted. "So please...could you just focus on getting me onto the ground!"

"Ugh...alright fine." She said with a sour face.

Her body drooped in disappointment as she began to fly downwards at a much slower pace than before. Sulking the entire way down.

"Oh and by the way if you came all the way up here looking for her then you're out of luck," she said, her tone slightly uncaring. "I don't know where you got the idea but Fluttershy hasn't lived at Cloudsdale in years...she lives in a cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville."

Upon hearing this new detail Jon's hands began to shake in anger and his eyes darted back and forth wildly like he was trying to look for something.

"Wait...are you telling me that not only am I unable to walk around your city...I was also in the entire wrong district?" Jon asked in a passive aggressive tone.

"That's right, big guy." Rainbow Dash answered in a slightly amused tone.

"Oooooh I am going to kill Trixie." Jon said under his breath so Rainbow Dash couldn't hear him.

"But hey that's alright cause now I'm here to save your ass again!" She continued as she puffed out her chest. "Who needs that ol' wimpy Fluttershy when you've got me!...Have me on your show and I guarantee it'll be the most watched episode ever!"

Jon had to admit that her persistence was, at least to some degree, admirable. If this were any other circumstances he might've considered her offer but at the moment all he wanted was to have the ground firmly beneath his feet.

"Ok...I'm going to make this very clear for ya Dashie," he said sounding annoyed and bitter. "Right now I don't care...I don't care about the show, or who goes on it, or...whatever. Right now all I want...Is. To. Be. On. The. Ground...and I'm sorry but as far as my show is concerned I'm probably just going to go find Fluttershy anyway...I'm not leaving here empty handed. So thanks...but no thanks."

The two exchanged no words after that with Rainbow Dash focusing on flying downward which pleased Jon since he could tell that they were getting closer and closer to solid ground. Because of his angle he couldn't tell but Rainbow Dash looked very mournful, almost heartbroken by the news that she wouldn't get to be on his show. However her mood quickly changed and she soon found herself scheming something.

At this point Jon was probably a good 15 feet away from land and he couldn't be more happy, though they were still pretty high up. But just he was starting to feel slightly better he could feel himself slipping slightly from Rainbow Dash's grip. At first he thought it was all in his head, till he realized that he was slowly sliding forward.

"W-w-w-what's going on!?" He demanded. "Why are you letting go!?"

"I'm not letting go! It's just that...you're soooo daaarn heavy." She shot back trying her best to sound like she was straining. "I...I don't think I can hold you up for very much longer." Again she loosened her grip and Jon slid forward even more.

"Jesus Christ, stop that!" He barked. "I thought you said you were strong!?"

"I am but it seems I'm just not strong enough this time." She said as Jon began to flail his arms and legs; because of his position he couldn't grab a hold of her. "Too bad your precious Fluttershy isn't here...I bet she could hold you up."

"Your're crazy!" Jon yelled as he foolishly began to fidget in place which only caused her to lose more grip. "Come on this isn't funny!"

Rainbow Dash was trying to hide a smirk from appearing on her face all the while making it seem like Jon was too heavy. In actuality she had no intention of dropping him; she just wanted to see if her plan would work. She was in full control the entire time.

"I'm sorry Johnny but...I don't think...I can hold onto you...much longer," she said very convincingly. "If only I had some kind of...incentive for holding onto then maaaaybe I could find the strength to not drop ya." To emphasis her claim she lowered Jon a little bit more. He was now hanging off her hooves by an inch.

Instinctively Jon's next thought was to scold the young pony and call her out on her bluff till she agreed to do what he said but he never got the chance. In his struggle to hold on he glanced downward at how high up he was and decided it wasn't worth risking.

"OK, OK, I GIVE UP YOU CAN BE ON THE SHOW!" Jon yelled and he tried to lean back to her.

"Really!" She said, pulling Jon closer to hear him better.

"YES FINE, YOU CAN BE MY NEXT GUEST!" He said nervously. "YOU CAN HAVE THE SLOT, YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT JUST PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T DROP ME!"

"AAAAAAAAALRIGHT!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed with immense excitement as she did a somersault in the air and pumped both her hooves in victory. In her celebration however she had unconsciously made the mistake of letting go of Jon anyway, her better judgment temporarily blinded by her own hubris.

"RAINBOW DAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaash!" Jon said as he plummeted to the ground.

"Oops." She said, the consequences of her actions now starting to sink in. "Ah...h-h-hold on Johnny! I'm coming!"

With a quick stretch of her wings she was once again dive bombing to the rescue of Jon. But this time she wasn't fast enough since he already had a head start.

"GRAB ME, GRAB ME, GRAB ME, GRAB ME, GRAB MEEEEEEE," he shouted with fear in his eyes. "GRAAAAB MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Jon flailed his arms and legs so wildly that he pulled a couple of muscles in the process. Rainbow Dash was starting to close the gap between herself and Jon but she was too late. Jon closed his eyes so as to not see his own death.

His eyes would not stay shut forever though; they sprung back open the second he colliding stomach first in a tree. In truth Jon was very lucky that he landed where he did for if he was a few feet off he would have hit solid ground and most likely have died. His weight coupled with how fast he was falling meant he easily broke thought the first couple of branches of the tree, each one slowing him down considerably.

Finally he stopped on the last branch, landing again stomach first which knocked the wind out of him. After trying to draw breath he quickly checked to see if anything was broken or if he was bleeding, but aside from a few bruises and scrapes he was fine. Jon slowly tried to slide down from the branch but at the last second his weight gave way and the branch broke like the rest. Sending him straight down and face first into a large patch of mud which softening his fall.

Slowly he flipped himself over so he could breath, he didn't get up right away but instead just laid down on his back staring upwards wondering to himself how a relatively dull day ended up like this. The sound of wings flapping caught his attention and soon Rainbow Dash found him. He was safe, albeit very filthy.

She tried her best to not laugh at Jon's situation though it was entirely obvious that she found it comical.

"Here uh...let me help." She said. Hovering over Jon she grabbed him by the hand and slowly pulled him up. He was completely covered in mud to the point where, had she not seen him land there, Rainbow Dash wouldn't recognize him. He tried to take a step forward but just ended up falling back down. This proved too much for the young Pegasus to handle, the echoes of her laughter could be heard all over the rural area.

She was laughing so hard she almost fell in the mud herself but soon she stopped once she saw Jon now sitting up and looking very unamused. He stared at her with eyes that looked like they were in pain which made her feel very guilty for what she did.

"I'm...I'm sorry I dropped you," She said, scared that this might mean she couldn't be on his show. "I uh...I guess this makes us even huh?

"Ooooh were not even." Jon said in a monotone voice. "Not by a long shot."

"We-we're not?" She asked.

"Nope." He answered. Before she could inquire as to what he meant Jon sprung forward and grabbed Rainbow Dash by her tail. Before she could ask what he was doing he very quickly pulled her down into the mud with him. When she tried to get back up Jon placed his hand on top of her head and, using all his strength, shoved her face first into the mud. She tried to use her wings to escape but Jon's leverage preventing her from doing so.

After an appropriate amount of time had passed Jon took his hand off her head and she emerged from the mud gasping for breath. She too was now covered in it.

"Ok...were even!" Jon said with a content laugh as he stood up. "Now you can be on my show."

"Wait seriously! I can still go one!?" She said, receiving a nod as an answer. "Ah Yeah! GO RAINBOW, GO RAINBOW, GO RAINBOW!"

She wasn't the only one who was happy. Dunking her face under the mud proved to be very therapeutic for Jon as most of his anger had now washed away along with any sense of ill will towards her. However there was still one problem left to overcome...Jon still needed a way back and his phone was still missing in action. Without a lifeline Jon had one option left but he needed Rainbow Dash's help first.

Very delicately he walked across the the muddy area and onto a dirt road that led into two different directions.

"Hey Dashie?" He called out. "If you really want to be on my good side I need a favor" She stopped dancing in the mud long enough to respond.

"Sure!" She said. "What's up?"

"I need to get to Twilight Sparkle and I need to do it without anyone seeing me." He said as he looked around the deserted area. "Think you can handle that?"

"No problem!" She said confidently as she shook the mud off her person. "Just leave it to me."

She flew towards a trail and motioned for Jon to follow. He took a few steps forward each one providing an unattractive squishing sound. He looked at the amount of mud that engulfed him and let out a depressed sigh. Another good suit of his, ruined.

Noticing this Rainbow Dash offered to help.

"Ah don't worry Johnny I got ya covered!" She said. Jon was in the middle of taking off his jacket when she quickly flew towards him, flying around him with such speed that the mud began to fly off him and land in random locations. Her cleansing whirlwind however proved to be too effective and the resulting force was actually strong enough to momentarily make Jon hover off his feet. When she was done Jon feel to the ground on this back with a loud thud.

"Oops." She said biting her lip nervously. "Sorry...again."

"Just take me to Twilight." Jon responded.