The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Episode 10 [Vinyl Scratch]: The suggestion

For the past couple of days Jon had been receiving fan mail, sent by Spike, from fans all over Equestria. Some of them were either ponies saying how much they loved the show while others were tips on how to make the show better; usually in the form of suggestions on who to have on next.

Trying to answer them all proved to be more difficult than he thought since they came so frequently. Because of this some fan mail unfortunately had to fall by the waste-side. The ones that Jon usually didn't respond to (but still read) were letters that told him who he should interview since he usually had a good idea of who he wanted anyway.

That is until he got one certain letter.

Jon walked down the stairs of his duplex penthouse, in lower Manhattan's TriBeCa neighborhood, and into his living room ready to start the day. It was a particularly lazy afternoon and Jon was looking after his two kids while his wife Tracey McShane was out.

It was very unusual for the the house to be so quiet at this time of day so Jon threw himself on his couch to take care of some paperwork. His kids were napping in the next room over but he wasn't alone.

A faint sound could be heard in the kitchen so Jon called out while at the same time signed some forms.

"That you Trixie?" Jon called out. The sounds of clanging silverware and drawers opening momentary came to a stop.

"Why do you humans feel the need to ask such stupid questions?" The voice called back. "If Tracey is out working while Nathan and Maggie are taking a nap one should reasonably conclude on their own as to who is left in the house. Though I suppose not everypony can be as wise as me."

To have Jon's question be met with an insult and self complement rather than an answer meant that yes...it was Trixie.

"Well so-rry your Majesty," Jon replied. "But for all I know you could have been some kind of burglar. This is New York."

---

It had been a few days since Jon invited Trixie to stay with him after her interview under the guise of being his mentor. To Jon's disbelief she'd been proving herself to be very useful. Though her knowledge of magic wasn't what made her a key asset in the Stewart household.

When Jon's wife first learned that Jon let Trixie stay with them she was outraged on many different levels. At first it was because he didn't consult her first and later it segwayed into the fact that she was a creature from another world who could use actual magic. Something which she thought wasn't safe to have in the house.

Not even Trixie's sob story (which Jon, and not Trixie, explained to her) helped in diminishing her frustration. She didn't care that Trixie had to place to go she just didn't want to be stuck taking care of her.

Tracey told her husband how they had no understanding in how to raise a horse though in retrospect it was a moot point seeing as how, as Jon explained it, Trixie had the cognitive thought necessary to take care of herself. That and, as a veterinary technician, Tracey knew what to feed such a creature.

Her animosity for the situation was only intensified once the kids had found out themselves and characteristically fell in love with Trixie. She feared that she would have to play the "bad guy" and explain to her kids why the Magic horsey couldn't say but as it turned out their infatuation for Trixie would inevitably lead to her staying.

Living in an orphanage for most of her life had made Trixie well versed in the art of taking care of kids. This coupled with the fact that Jon's children hanged off her every word meant that they did anything she told them to do, which was usually on the line of "go to bed," or "eat your veggies," and to address her by her full title rather than "Magic horse lady."

Although Tracey was still hesitant about having Trixie stay with them Jon's final selling point, which sealed the deal, was that they would always have a baby sitter handy. This meant that the two could go out to catch a show or have a date night whenever they wanted. This was too good a deal for Tracey to pass up so she eventually agreed.

---

Jon leaned back on the cough to stretch his muscles, using this momentary back and forth with Trixie as an excuse for a quick break.

"What are you doing in the kitchen anyway?" Jon called out.

"Still fond of those stupid questions I see." She called back. "I'm preparing a snack for when Nathan and Maggie awake from nap-time."

"You need any help?" Jon yelled out. "I can imagine opening the peanut butter jar is a bitch when all you have is hooves."

"I don't need any help," Trixie said coldly as she emerged from the kitchen and into the living room. "And I would appreciate if you kept your voice down; you'll wake them up."

Jon looked over at Trixie and hastily put his hand over his mouth in an obvious attempt to hold back waves of laughter.

"If you laugh...I'll kill you." Trixie said with an intense glare.

"I di--...I didn't say anything." Jon said with a large grin.

Trixie wasn't wearing her usual magician’s attire as she didn't want to get them dirty while preparing the food. The only she was "wearing," much to Jon's amusement, was a overly large cork that had been wedged on the tip of her horn.

Some of Tracey's conditions for having Trixie stay in her home were that she was to wear a cork on her horn when around the children and she was not allowed to use her magic on them. She was free to use whatever spell she wanted just so long as it wasn't done directly on Nathan and Maggie, though that wasn't why she had Trixie wear the cork. At around four feet tall Trixie's horn was in perfect eye level with the kids; the "cork horn" was just an added safety measure.

"So...so what's on tap for today?" Jon asked in an attempt to change the subject. Trixie gave Jon one last look before answering.

"...The kids will be having apple slices with low fat yogurt." She answered and she trotted over to the living room TV. "I've already set the television to their favorite TV show which they will watch only when they have consumed their entire meal."

"Nice work Trixie." Jon said and he leaned back over to his unfinished documents. "Who would have thought you'd turn out to be this useful?"

Trixie violently turned around to give Jon a scolding look. He pretended to not notice but it was difficult with Trixie since she (and by extension every other pony) had such massive eyes.

"Look it just a joke! I'm sorry, ok!?" Jon pleaded

"Not that." Trixie said.

"Than wha-- oh come on!" He said as he threw his arms in the air. "You're not seriously going to make me say it, are you?"

"Why not?" She answered. "Your children are smart enough to."

"...Ok fine." Jon said with a heavy sigh. "Nice work...oh 'Great and Powerful Professor Trixie.'"

"Very good student." Trixie said with her typical smug attitude.

"You know great baby sitter aside I haven't learned a single new thing about magic like I assumed I would." Jon said as he looked over some more papers.

"Let’s get one thing straight...I am not some mere baby sitter!" Trixie said as she jumped on the table, almost stepping on Jon's hands in the process. "I am THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!"

"Yeah I know," Jon said, as he tried to pull his paper work from under her hooves. "You tend to remind me of that about four times I day."

"That's only because your inferior brain doesn't seem to grasp it properly." She said. "Anyways like Trixie was saying...I am not a baby sitter. Children just happen to love me...but really that's no surprise. Everypony loves Trixie."

"My how fascinating." Jon said as he reached for Trixie with both arms. "Now get down from there. You'll hurt yourself."

Not particularly fond of people handling her, Trixie took a step back to avoid Jon's reach. In the process however her hoof slid on a piece of paper causing her to tumble onto the floor with a loud thud and girlish squeal. This time Jon didn't even try to hold back his laughter.

"I..I tried to t-tell you!" Jon said as he laughed loudly.

"Silence!" Trixie demanded.

"I'm...I'm sorry." He blurted out, his voice echoing through the house. "Look here let me--"

"No I mean be quiet!" She interrupted in a low tone. She quickly looked behind her then back to Jon. "You'll wake the kids!"

Now having realized how loud he was Jon was quickly lowered his voice to that of a whisper.

"Oh right sorry," Jon responded. "Do you need hel--" Trixie shot Jon a familiar look as she pulled herself up from the ground.

"Of course you don't." He said.

"Just be careful who you laugh at Stewart." Trixie said, never taking her eyes of Jon. "What goes around comes around...besides I know where you live."

Jon was about to respond when a flash of light erupted in front of him causing Jon to yelp with fear as he staggered backwards. Falling on his backside he made a loud crashing sound which would have caused Trixie to scold him further but instead just made her do the laughing this time. Though she was doing so in a much softer volume than Jon did.

Holding his heart as if it would leave his body at any moment Jon looked at the table which now held a stack of envelopes.

"Oh god dammit Spike." Jon said. "I swear I'm never gonna get used to that."

Trying to get up from his position proved harder than he though so he looked over at Trixie who was still laughing to herself. She paused long enough to see Jon's helpless demeanor. He grabbed his back and extended his hand towards her, motioning for her to come over.

"Seriously?" She asked.

"Hey cut me some slack," He replied. "I'm not as young as I used to be."

"Alright hold still," She said with a sigh. Never leaving her place she used her magic to carefully pull Jon up by his arm. "There you go. What would you do without me?"

"I shudder to think." Jon said as he used both hands to push his back in. Carefully sitting down Jon once again found himself back on the couch while a smug looking Trixie leapt next to him.

"I thought you were accustomed to...Twilight's pet dragon sending you mail?" Trixie said as she used her magic to levitate a letter to herself.

"Well I was at first," Jon answered as he took the letter away from Trixie, though that didn't stop her from just getting another one. "But that was when I thought he'd send letters to my study...I had no idea going into this that the mail appeared wherever I am. It's getting to be quite the nuisance."

In the past whenever Jon got a letter or other similar message via Spike's fire breath it was always coincidentally when he was in his study. Jon merely assumed that the whatever magic was at hand it was designed to appear in that specific location but in actuality the letter would appear wherever Jon was presently located.

"I'm going to have a talk with Spike the next time I'm in Ponyville cause this is becoming problematic." Jon said. "I've almost gotten into a car accident twice now and I nearly had a heart attack when a bundle of letter appeared when I was in the bathroom."

"Too much information, Stewart." Trixie said as she idly scanned letter after letter.

"And it's not just me, Tracey doesn't like it either." He continued. "Like last night when you managed put the kids to sleep early. Me and Trace finally had some alone time so we tried to make the most of it if you know what I mean."

The blue Unicorn looked at Jon with an unsure look on her face.

"Turns out letters can appear in the bedroom." Jon added with a frustrated sigh. "I tell ya nothing kills the mood faster than thinking your hair is on fire."

"Trixie does not understand," She said. "What do you mean by 'kills the mood?'" Jon slowly turned to give her a look of disbelief.

"Oh you gotta be kidding me," Jon said. "Look I know your world is literally all rainbows and sunshine and your national currency is good feelings and hugs, but I refuse to believe your world is without intercourse."

It took Trixie a second to realize what Jon had implied beforehand and immediately turned bright red as a result.

"UGH, DISGUSTING!" Trixie said as she used her magic to throw a pillow at Jon's face. "I do not need to know about your...private life, Stewart!"

"Now look who's making too much noise." Jon said. Trixie was still blushing and avoiding eye contact so Jon took this moment to grab a stack of fan mail and go through them one by one. Occasionally grabbing one out of the bundle to get a better look.

"Hm. Heavier load than usual." Jon said.

"It astounds me at how much attention your show gets." Trixie said, crinkling her snout. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has seen your program before...it is nothing special."

"Nothing spec-- it just won an Emmy last night!" He exclaimed.

"Hmph! Trixie cares not for pointless shiny trinkets." She responded. "Come back to me when you've booked a show at Los Pegasus."

Giving up trying to argue with her, Jon continued to browse sealed letter after sealed letter before eventually grabbing one at random and placing the rest back on the table.

"Ok here we go." Jon said as closed his eyes and tapped the sealed letter against his head. "I see a pony's name, a recommendation, and at some point the term 'somepony' gets used."

He tore open the top part of the letter and blew into it to retrieve its contents more easily. Pulling out a single letter he began to skim over it.

"Ok, let's see....blah blah blah, 'I love your show,'...blah blah blah, 'when will you be back in Equestria?'....blah blah blah, AH HA! Here it is!" Jon said as he pointed to a clause near the end of the note. "'..Also if you're taking suggestions, I think you should have my friend Berry Punch on your show! We always have her at parties and, after a few drinks, she always tells the best stories.'...I tell ya Trixie every single time. And if it's not a suggestion of who should be on the show it's someone asking if they could make an appearance."

"It's pathetic if you think about." Trixie said. "All these ponies begging and wanting to be on your show...it's sad really."

"Didn't you do the same thing?" Jon asked. Trixie didn't respond right away, she was busy trying to find a good comeback. Not a one could be found.

"S-shut up!" Trixie demanded. "Do not talk back to your teacher!"

"Sorry Professor." Jon said with a grin. He continued to look through the letters with Trixie doing the same. She never offered her assistance nor was she particularly helping in any technical sense. If anything it almost looked like she was searching for something, but Jon didn't mind.

After reading through a couple of letters, without his permission, Trixie stopped and began to stare ahead in deep thought. Eventually she turned to address Jon once more.

"Might I ask you a question, Stewart?" Trixie asked.

"Shoot." Jon said, his eyes never leaving the letter he was currently reading.

"You've read more of these than I have." She said. "Has...has anypony ever requested Trixie to appear on your show?"

Not expecting such a question to be asked, Jon stopped reading and tilted his head upwards to think. At this point Jon had not read through every single letter so he was unsure...though at this point Jon could not recall anyone suggesting her as a guest.

"It's too early to say, I haven't gotten through them all just yet." Jon answered. "Though I'm certain no one will request 'Trixie' to come on the show."

Upon hearing this Trixie tilted her head down to hide her face, and any emotions that it carried. Before she could respond she felt the gentle touch of Jon's hand rubbing her back.

"Now 'the Great and Powerful Trixie?' I'm sure I'll see countless requests for her appearance." He added.

Trixie didn't say anything but instead smiled. She didn't give any thanks and still preferred to hid her face but Jon could tell she felt better now, which was all he needed.

In no time the sounds of shuffling papers once again filled the room as the two continued reading through letters with Trixie mostly looking at who sent them while Jon went through and read each one.

"Trixie actually recognizes some of these names." She said. "Some of them I'm met in my travels."

It was true. As a traveling magician from Equestria, Trixie had met a lot of different ponies. Jon however didn't recognize a single name. Not just because he hadn't been to Equestria that much (though that certainly was a factor) but because for whatever reason fate had dictated that the stack of mail he was reading all had pen names.

"Yeah the ones I got are the fake ones," Jon responded. "Granted I know there is a silly degree in which some ponies in your world have names but I'm pretty sure these one's were meant to be anonymous."

To see if he was indeed right, Trixie leaned over to his pile and began to scan the many envelopes. As a citizen of the world she confirmed that yes they were not Equestrian names.

Rubbing his tired eyes, Jon leaned forward looking through his stack of fan mail in search of one to read. He challenged himself by seeing if he could recognize a name but he could not. All he saw was more pen names. Eventually however one name caught his attention. One that just stood out from the rest.

Some of the obvious fake names were stylized like "BluePegasus113" or "Yanhoover Pilot" or "Dr. Whooves" but this one just seemed beyond quirky. Jon took the letter in his hand and examined the writing on the front of the envelope.

To: Jon Stewart of Earth

From: The Emperor of Funny Happenings

"...What?" Jon said out loud.

Shaking his head proved to be fruitless as the name was still there and just as confusing as before.

"Hey Trixie...does Equestria have an Emperor?" Jon asked, his eyes rereading the address.

"No we don't," Trixie responded. "Not that I'm aware of. Why?" Putting her pile of letters down she peered over Jon's shoulder, putting her forehooves on Jon's leg to get a better view.

Jon doubted that this was from any royal governing body but nevertheless he felt compelled to read it. Using his free hand he tore open the note and began to read out loud it's letter.

Hi!

You don't know me but I'm an Earthpony who lives in Baltimare and let me just say I loooove your show! I know you must get about a thousand of these a day but I just really wanted to take the time to say how much I enjoy watching your show.

I didn't even know you we're real! I just thought your show was fictional so you can imagine how surprised I was when I heard you had appeared in Equestria a few times. If I ever see you I'm totally asking for an autograph!

Keep up the good work!

-TEOFH

PS: My friend in Ponyville told me that you come to our world to look for ponies to have on your show. I'm sure you don't have time to listen to this but if you want my opinion I think you should have Vinyl Scratch make an appearance! I think she's super cool plus didn't you already have her friend on?

Ok I'll leave you alone now! Swing by Baltimare sometime! I'll buy you a drink.

"Hmph. If this so called emperor had any brains he would have suggested that I appear on your show!" Trixie said as she stuck her nose in the air. "But I suppose I shouldn't expect much considering where he lives. I've been to Baltimare before...trust me it's no Manehatten...now that's the kind of place worthy of a pony such as myself. For with great talent..."

Ignoring Trixie for the time being, Jon closed his eyes and began to rub his chin as he quietly thought out loud to himself.

"Vinyl Scratch...Vinyl Scratch." Jon thought. "Why does that name sound so familiar?"

After a few seconds of deliberation it hit Jon like a piano falling from the sky. Vinyl Scratch was the roommate and good friend of Octavia, another pony he had on his show. The only question is would she be any good to interview as her friend had been?

"Hey Trixie?" He asked, cutting her off mid-rant. "Ever hear of someone called Vinyl Scratch?"

As annoyed as she was for being interrupted, Trixie still gave the question a good few seconds of thought before answering.

"The name does sound very familiar...if I had to guess I assume she's some kind of performer like me." She answered.

"That would make sense...Octavia did say her roommate was also in the music field." He said, looking back at the letter. "Hmm...maybe it's time for a follow up interview."

"What! You're actually going to go through with this suggestion?" Trixie exclaimed. "That's a terrible idea."

"I don't know it sounds alright to me. Now that I think about it this isn't the first time her name came up in a letter." Jon said. "Other ponies made the same suggestion so she's obviously well known."

"I still say this is a bad move" She added "...If you really want good suggestions for guest appearances all you do is ask me! The Great and Powerful Trixie!"

"With all do respect this is one area I don't need help in." Jon retorted. "I've been doing this for over ten years now; I think I know what I'm doing."

"Ah ah ah Stewart," She said as she wagged her hoof in his face. "As your Professor I know better, which is why I am here by taking it upon myself to handle your business decisions of who goes on the show!"

"You're kidding me right?" Jon asked.

"I assure Trixie is quite serious." She answered. "Aside from your one brilliant choice of having me on your show the guests you've had from Equestria have been quite mediocre. So, if you please I'll need the list of names that Celestia provided you."

"Weeell Professor I don't know how you'll find time to manage my busy schedule," Jon said as he got up from his seat and towards the hallway. "Especially since you'll have your hooves full with the kids and all."

"Shows how much you know, Stewart." She said with a scoff. "Nathan and Maggie still have fifteen more minutes of nap time before--"

Cutting Trixie off yet again Jon placed the palm of his hand against his mouth to amplify his voice.

"HEY KIDS COULD YOU COME OUT HERE FOR A SECOND?" Jon yelled.

"Stewart what are you doing!?" Trixie exclaimed. Before Jon could answer a very sleepy looking pair of children in pajamas emerged from one of the rooms in the hallway.

"What is it daddy?" Maggie said as she held the hand of her brother who looked like he would collapse from exhaustion at any moment.

"Hey sweety Guess what?" He asked. "Trixie told me that she wanted to play video games with you two."

"Say what!?" Trixie shouted.

Immediately both children shook away whatever sense of weary in favor of looks of Joy.

"Really!?" They both said in unison.

"That's right!" Jon said. "So could you guys go keep her company while daddy makes a phone call?"

The two kids nodded their heads in agreement and swiftly made their way to where Trixie was.

"I object!" Trixie said. "I hate the foul contraption! All it does is make odd noises and confusing imaged! I don't understand it!"

Maggie and Nathan would have listened to Trixie but they were too overjoyed to pay attention. Maggie turned on of the gaming consoles they had by the television while Nathan ran up to yank Trixie off the sofa.

"Play nice you three!" Jon called out as he ran up the stairs to his study.

"I'll get you for this, Stewart!" Trixie called out from downstairs.

Comments

[Dan]

Segued. Not segwayed.

I try not to be a grammar nazi, but that's one that really rustles my jimmies. I'm more than willing to overlook "they're" vs. "their" vs. "there" confusion or adding an extra s after the apostrophe to a possessive that ends with s. Heck, I didn't complain when you wrote "humerus" in the last chapter.

[Frission]

waste-side

The word you're searching for here is "wayside."

[Philosophysics]

KAWAII DESU!