The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Episode 17 [Rarity]: NO NOT AGAIN!!!

Like always, whenever Jon got sent to Equestria he usually did so in an instant, to the point where on more than one occasion he would miss the transition completely because he blinked. In this case Jon was so lost in his thoughts that he barely noticed that he was now staring at a wall. That was not the only thing he noticed; when Jon took a step back he bumped his leg on something hard and low to the ground. When he turned around to see what it was, fearing that it might’ve been a wayward pony, he soon realized that he was a foot away from huge gaping hole in the earth otherwise known as a water well.

“Jesus, Twilight.” Jon pressed himself against the wall he moments ago staring at. “Cutting it pretty close aren’t ya.”

Like before Twilight’s powers weren’t as focused as her mentor so when she sent Jon to Ponyville she did so aimlessly within a certain radius. It wasn’t as dangerous as Trixie teleporting Jon to Cloudsdale, but the random factor meant there were odd, often dangerous, results like this.

However, dangerous opportunities aside, Twilight did get her spell right in that Jon was now on the Eastern end of Ponyville.

“Alright,” Jon thought as he began to walk down an adjacent, and empty dirt road. “Time to catch a ride.”

What most people, incorrectly, assume about Jon Stewart is that he was born and raised in New York; but this was only half the story. He was born in New York yes but his family then moved to New Jersey; it was only later in his life did he move back to his beloved city and start his life as an entertainer. And it was during this jovial return did he discover a proficient, and completely necessary, talent at memorizing street layouts.

If you are ever lost in New York and need to go somewhere, Jon could give you directions better than any talking GPS and tell you the best restaurant along the way. This talent also extended to Equestria as well.

Jon was proud in his knowledge of the Ponyville layout; especially since he’d only been here a few times. He knew roughly what attractions and where some ponies lived.

If you want a good slice of cake you go to Sugar Cube corner on Apple avenue on the west side. If you want to buy a souvenir or wish to sell goods to some traders you go to market street. If you want to talk to the mayor or apply for a permit you head to the financial district in the very center of town. And of course if you want to ride a hot air balloon or take the train out of town to say somewhere like, Canterlot Castle... you head towards the west side of Ponyville, otherwise known as the industrial part of town.

As Jon made his way down his current street he knew that he was a few blocks away from hitching a ride on any number of public transportation. From there he would go to Canterlot and catch a lift on one of the trolleys straight up to the Castle.

And, although he hated having to rely on this, his plan, for if he caught some slack for trying to go to the castle, would be to flaunt his celebrity status and remind those that he and the Princess were business partners. The plan was solid in Jon’s head; right now he just needed a ride.

Because of the human world and Equestria existing in completely different universes on two completely different solar systems, their respective calendars were nowhere near in synch. Sometimes when Jon arrived in Equestria it would be night while back home it was morning, on some occasions their time zones would be relatively the same (bar a few hours or so) but in this case while it was almost time for Jon to go to bed, here in Equestria most ponies were still sleeping because it was very early in the morning.

A cold wind blew through the empty streets of Ponyville forcing Jon to button up his sports jacket all the way up. It was still too early for most ponies to be up and about, and for Jon that was most preferable, it meant that he didn’t have to waste any time talking to would be fans. At least that’s what he thought; that cold wind could very well have been a warning for what was flying right behind just a few inches away.

“What’cha doing?” A voice chimed.

“GAH!” Jon yelped as he jumped forward and spun around with his hand over his heart. It took a second to identify the Pegasus hovering in front of him.

The first thing he noticed, which was this pony's most apparent feature, wasn’t the blonde hair, grey body, or awkward flying... it was her eyes.

“D-Derpy?” Jon asked. Hearing her name caused the carefree Pegasus to squint her eyes and give a judgmental stare.

“How do you know my name?” She asked, as she flew higher over Jon’s head almost to the point where she was hovering upside down. “Have we met?”

Jon couldn't tell if she was joking or not; then he realized who he was talking to.

“Y-you’re kidding right? Derpy... i-it’s me, Jon... Jon Stewart?” He said which only seemed to make her more confused. “I had you on my show?”

“Ummmm.... wha?” She said, scrunching nose in confusion.

“Oh come on, seriously!” Jon blurted. “You were the first pony I ever had on my show! You brought your book and everything! Don’t you remember.”

In response to his claims Derpy flew in uncomfortably close to Jon’s face. With eyes in all directions and nose still krinkled she examined Jon’s face and even starting to smell him to see if anything would spark.

“Well?” Jon said. Finally she spoke. “You remember me?”

“Nope.” She chuckled, as she rubbed the back of her head and stuck her tongue out innocently.

“Seriously!” He bellowed. “You told me it was the best night of your life! And you don’t even recognize me!”

Again Derpy flew in close, this time pressing her face against Jon’s, like a child making funny faces on a surface of a window to get a better look. He would have sighed in discomfort but his entire face was smothered. In time however Derpy recoiled back and gasped so loud Jon thought she might wake up the entire town.

“Holy crackers!” She yelled, her eyes now sparkling. “You.... you...”

“Yeeeeeees.” Jon said leaning forward in anticipation.

“You’re Stephen Colbert!” She announced. A silence once again found it’s place in the empty streets of Ponyville as a devastated Jon Stewart turned on his heels and continued on his way without so much as a word.

As he turned a corner Derpy followed close just overhead.

“Why are you here in Ponyville?” She asked, flying so close that Jon could feel the wind coming off of her wings.

“Well it’s not like you’d even remember but if you must know I’m on my way to Canterlot Castle.” He answered. “I got some... work to do there.”

“I got work too!” She cheerfully announced. “I’m on my way to the post office... I get to deliver all the mail... even the big ones now!”

Stopping for a moment Jon looked behind him then back at Derpy.

“Isn’t the post office over there?” He pointed to the opposite end of where he was heading.

“Yep!” Derpy acknowledged as she continued to follow Jon down the street.

“Aren’t.... aren’t you going to be late?” He asked.

“Late for what?” Derpy asked back.

“L-late for work!” He said in a loud tone so she could hear her.

“Oh... wait where do I work again?” She said causing Jon to slam his palm against his forehead.

“OKAY! How bout this!” Jon yelled as he reached into his coat pocket and took out a piece of paper. It was a report card he received from one of his kids the other day, that he had left in his coat pocket but never got around to actually looking over. “Derpy, take this!”

“Okay!” She trilled, grabbing the note with her mouth. “Now what!”

“Listen carefully Derpy... I want you to deliver this letter for me.” He explained. “I want you to deliver this note for me as fast as you can... first class mail... Can. You. Do. That?”

“Why sure I can!” She boasted as she tried to salute with her hoof only to accidentally wack herself on the nose. “Who do I deliver it to?”

“Listen very, very carefully Derpy.” Jon said, causing her to lift her ear in the wrong direction. “I want you... to deliver this letter to someone called Jon Stewart... I repeat... deliver this letter to Jon Stewart... can you do that, Pony Express?”

“I will do my best!” She assured him and she turned around and flew to where she thought was up in the sky but in fact was towards the ground due to her being upside down. With her flank in the air and her wings dragging her head across the floor she slowly crept along the dirt road while Jon just stood, shaking his head.

“And yet she she’s still better than FedEx.” Jon chuckled as she soon vanished around the corner. As she disappeared something caught his attention from the same area. Another figure emerged going the opposite way of where Derpy was heading; it was a pair of ponies who were as bewildered by Derpy’s actions as one might expect.

Jon’s first instinct was to turn around, walk away and pay no heed to these newcomers, but unfortunately he knew these two, which caused him to freeze in place, unable to move. The two ponies walking caught a glimpse of Jon which shook him down to his very core.

The scene of two parties facing each other on opposite sides of a dirt road looked like something out of an old Clint Eastwood film, only instead of a heroic cowboy who doesn’t follow the rules there was a petrified Jew starting at two little ponies.

One of the ponies Jon only vaguely remembered. She was an Earthpony, her coat was cream colored and mane streaks of dark blue and pink. But the other one Jon knew all too well... he recognized her sea-foam green coat and cyan mane.

“Oh no,” Jon groaned in fear. “Not Lyra.”

Jon had nothing against the lively Unicorn, it’s just that whenever she was around Jon seemed to get hurt. It all started when they first met a few months back and he almost choked to death after being full on tackled by her, and that was just her greeting. Jon’s fear of her only got worse when Queen Chrysalis invaded his show disguised as Lyra, and while Jon knew it wasn’t actually her he couldn't help but equate Lyra with pain when he was being thrown around and suffocated.

That same cold wind once again flew through Jon’s hair, reminding him he needed to be somewhere. Carefully he took a step back, then another hoping that maybe he could get out of here in once piece; no such luck.

“HEY IT’S JON!” Lyra yelled as she bolted in his direction against the wishes of her companion. Change of plans; Jon’s new mission in life was to be anywhere other than where Lyra was.

“FUCK NOT AGAIN!” Jon yelled as he ran down the nearest alleyway as fast as he could without regard for anything in his path.

Despite his age and lack of fitness Jon could run somewhat faster than most ponies (though not for very long) because of his longer legs. Though long legs or not Lyra was fueled with such desires to meet him that she was quickly closing the gap.

All of Jon’s knowledge of the town’s layouts was being put to good use as he ran from street to street in random order to avoid his enclosing heat seeking missile that was Lyra Heartstrings. A few twists and turns later Jon now found himself more towards the center of town, making him an open target.

“Shit!” He thought. “I need to hide!”

The sound of galloping coming from nearby ally made a very nervous Jon Stewart lunge for the first door that he could persuade to open for him. Jumping into whatever establishment he just intruded on he quickly shut the door as quietly as he could and ducked down into a fetal position against its frame. Jon had no idea where he just barged his way into and he didn't care. He could hear the sound of hooves pounding against the ground almost as quickly as his heart was beating and didn't move till the sound of hooves on cobblestone dissipated.

Slowly standing he peered through the window of the door to see a confused Lyra looking all around her before desperately choosing a street to continue her hunt. Jon slumped back down to a sitting position just in time to miss Bon-Bon chasing after her.

“Thank god.” He sighed, trying to catch his breath. After a moment of quiet meditation he opened his eyes to take stock of where he was; and what he saw surprised him.

When Jon first came to Equestria he felt a lot of conflicting emotions about having been sent to a new world filled with talking animals. He felt fearful over being in a world that he knew very little about, he felt happy about having a new segment for his beloved show, he also felt extremely out of place and not just in the obvious sense of him being a human among ponies.

But if he had to sum up his experience so far he would probably say his time in Equestria was “captivating.” When he first learned of an entire world outside of his own, a world that seemed like a fairly tale come true, he experienced a sense of wonder and excitement like nothing he’d ever felt before. That same sense came back when he examined the local establishment that he decided to duck into while running away from Lyra.

“Whoa.” He said under his breath as he walked further into this quaint little boutique. All around him Jon was surrounded by clothing and attires the like of which he’d never seen before. Out of all the pieces that could be seen most of them were dresses, dresses that would fit a pony and not much else.

These articles of clothing weren’t so much on display but rather were out in the open in no particular order or reason like someone was taking inventory. Some were in boxes or in a pile in the corner while others were neatly folded on tables or properly hanged in one of those moving display racks.

In addition to numerous types of apparels their styles wavered from retro to modern, making this boutique look more like a museum for ladies wear rather than a store, which is definitely the kind of place Jon’s wife would have dragged him to go see back when they first dated.

Speaking of which, Tracey always had a thing for sewing, she did so occasionally on the side which later rubbed off on Jon. He may not have known how to thread a needle but Jon Stewart was always fascinated with the art of tailoring and clothing design.

Even though time was of the essence he couldn't help but admire such creative works. The amount of variety on display rivaled that of the Daily Show’s wardrobe room where they have costumes for any skit that needed to be played out, so for Jon this was definitely something he had an interest in. But as impressive as they were Jon wasn’t in Equestria for sight-seeing; he needed to be somewhere and it wasn’t here.

Confidently Jon strolled to the door and, with one last lingering look, placed his hand on the door fully ready to walk through it when he saw something that made him fall to the ground like he lost all the bones in his legs. Lyra was still out there.

“Dammit.” Jon thought. Having given up on going down street corner after street corner Lyra now took to patrolling the town square on the assumption that Jon would have to go by here at sometime. But what really got Jon shaking in his suit was that Lyra was now peeking into store window after store window looking for him.

She eventually peered through the door window of the establishment he currently occupied like the raptor scene from Jurassic Park only to proceed to the next one. Jon was safe for now. The sound of her walking to the parlor next door caused him to get back up.

“Well,” he said to himself as he brushed the dust of his sleeve. “Guess I’m stuck here for a bit.” Carefully, as to not make any noise, Jon walked further in the vacant store. There were so many dresses and such strewn about that Jon had to watch his step or else he’d step on one with his dirty shoes. But at least the many attires provided a sort of camouflage in case Lyra peaked in again.

As he did so he looked at different designs all around him as his brain filled in the blanks as to what they were made for, as well as the possibilities they could provide for a skit or two on his show; he could totally see John Oliver wearing that ornate wig while doing a monologue about congress. Although different, about the only thing similar with most of the clothing on display was the liberal use of colored gems which were woven into the tapestry.

Much like the clothing themselves the entire store was a decorative oasis of fine fabrics and custom wares. The walls were a light shade of purple which matched the many tables and show room curtains that were placed strategically for either work related business or general usage. Standing mirrors were in an abundance which reflected the the stylish patterns that were painted on either any given surface or textured ornament. None of these could be seen by Jon with the many clothes scattered about.

Reaching forward he grabbed the sleeve of a protruding walking jacket and rubbed the fabric between his fingers; he was no expert, but it felt very high priced, and like a magpie in a room filled with disco balls, his attention was once again torn away by what looked like museum pieces on the far end of the room.

Propped up against the wall were six dresses, each with their own unique design and each encased in a glass box. The way they were on display closely resembled the Iron Man movies were Tony Stark had his different power suits lined up ready to go when needed. But to say the designs were unique would be like saying the sun is kinda bright.

Each dress was being worn by a pony shaped mannequin and was fashioned in a way that suggested whoever wore them had a similar personality to go along with it. One dress has streaks of rainbows in it while another one had candy corn decals sewn into its skirt; one even came complete with a cowboy hat. Something about them seemed extremely familiar.

“Who makes all of these?” Jon vocally thought to himself. To investigate he knelt down to one knee to read a brass label at the bottom of the display, they were on each case and read in an overly fancy font:

“Replicas of Gala dresses. Rarity Originals”

“Rarity... huh, that rings a bell.” He said, as he got back up. It was then that Jon recalled seeing and hearing that name during his business with Equestrian Interviews. “Wait... one pony made all these?”

Turning around, Jon grabbed a random dress and began to thumb through layer after layer till he found what he was looking for; a tag attached on the inside of the collar. On it there was basic instruction on how to properly take care and wash it but towards the bottom was the same fancy font which read: “Rarity Originals.”

Going to another end of the room Jon tried to see if there was evidence of anyone else who worked on these complex designs. But everywhere he looked he saw the same slogan on tags, receipts, signs, and even a certificate of authenticity.

“Rarity Originals”

“Huh.” He thought as he stroked his chin. “Whoever this Rarity is, she must be very important.”

Back in New York, whenever Jon went to some kind of convenience store or market he always ended up being approached by some 20 something employee asking if he needed help. At first he thought it was out of respect for his social status as an entertainer, it was only later did he realize that it was because they thought he might be some confused old man in need of assistance. And while that was insulting, bordering on true, Jon was really missing that right now.

Since his arrival in this cluttered establishment he hadn’t seen a single pony, which at this hour was to be expected. He almost gave up on ever asking for help till he heard some rustling coming from behind a gathering of hung dresses.

As if he was in a jungle comprised of lavish costumes Jon could see the furrowing and pushing aside of clothing as someone came closer and closer to him.

“Hello?” Jon called out to no avail.

Whatever was heading his way eventually stopped at the edge of the standing clothes as if whoever it might be was now staring at him like a tiger stalking it’s prey. Jon would have investigated to see who it was, but whoever it was beat him to it.

In one fast swoosh a creature leaped forth in front of him, but it instead of feral beast it was something much smaller. A cat.

“Ah good, someone’s here.” Jon said. Slowly he approached the creature, which was staring at him suspiciously, and extended a hand for a shake.

This wasn’t exactly what Jon was expecting but at the same time he was happy to at least have someone to help him. The creature in question was an extremely light grey Persian cat with a purple bow on her head and matching collar with diamonds. Jon doubted that she was Rarity but based on the way she was properly groomed she might’ve at least known her.

“Hello my name is Jon Stewart,” He said, motioning to her paw. “I’m the host of the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Do you think you can help me?”

At first the fancy feline just sniffed his outstretched hand, confused if he would offer her anything. When Jon didn’t do that she began to rub her face against his palm, purring desperately for more attention. This brought Jon to a stunning, yet obvious, realization.

“Okay, note to self.” Jon sighed, now feeling overwhelmingly stupid. “Cats in Equestria don’t talk either.”

Glad that no one was there to see him make a fool of himself Jon complied with the creature’s desires and began to pet it’s head.

“Don’t suppose you know who Rarity is Ms... Opalescence?” He looked at her nametag, only to get more purring in response. “Nah of course ya don’t. You’re just a prissy little kitty huh?”

Unfortunately for him Opal, much like all other cats, had very specific petting zones. For opal it was just her head, and maybe her stomach if she felt like it. But if anyone would go anywhere near her tail she would immediately retaliate, as Jon soon found out.

“OUCH!” Jon yelled after Opal bit his hand and tried to scratch his face. While he licked his newly created wound his attacker walked away with her head up high. “OKAY! Another note to self... cats are assholes in this world too!”

Because of a combination of apathy and a sore back, he just stood up and walked away while still tending to his wounds. Feeling that this was as good as things were going to get Jon made plans to leave and continue to the castle. He took a few steps towards the door when something got his attention; it was the sound of a gasp followed by something falling to the ground.

Quickly he spun around to see that across the room there was a flight of stairs that led to a higher level of the boutique. At the foot of the steps there stood someone new.

Jon was now staring into the surprised eyes of a tiny Unicorn. Based on her size Jon could tell she was just a little kid. She was roughly the same color as the cat that attacked him, but her mane was comprised of light pink and light purple streaks.

But her eyes... her eyes were a shade of green and even though Jon was across the room separated by endless waves of clothing he could easily see them because they were wide with astonishment. Like this was Christmas and she just caught him dressed as Santa.

No one said anything to anyone so Jon decided to make the first move.

“Uh... hi?” He said. “Do uh... do you live here?” The tiny filly said nothing but the way her mouth was moving it was clear she was trying to speak.

“G... g.... g-g... g...” She stuttered, as Jon made a motion with his hands to show he wasn’t dangerous. “g... g-g-g... g-g... g ...”

“Don’t be afraid.” Jon assured her. “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m just here to--”

“GIRLS!” The filly yelled as she ran upstairs. “GIRLS! COME HERE, LOOK WHAT I FOUND! GIIIIRLS!?”

Even though she was now all the way up upstairs Jon could still hear her yelling for whoever else was present. She was definitely someone used to yelling loudly judging by how far her voice carried. After some time had passed Jon could no longer hear anything though seeing how surprised she looked Jon assumed that the tiny thing was getting help from a parent or guardian.

Jon didn’t know weather to leave now or to stay to explain that he didn’t mean any harm by coming in to their establishment but after a few seconds had passed a decision was made on his behalf. The once quiet room now echoed with the sound of hoofbeats coming down the stairs; a sound that closely resembled a stampede.

Soon, and without any verbal warning, a trio of fillies bolted down the stairs, ran under the forest of costumes and launched themselves at Jon like they were being launched from a cannon. And even with a three to one disadvantage Jon was large enough, and the fillies small enough, that instead of tumbling back he simply caught them in his arms.

Jon staggered back, the wind slightly knocked out of him, and quickly looked down at the three pairs of eyes looking at him. Out of all the fillies he now currently had tucked into his stomach the one in the middle was the only one he recognized. She was also the first one to say anything.

“HIYA JOHNNY!” She said. “LONG TIME NO SEE.”

It took Jon less than a second to remember her name.

“Applebloom.” Jon smiled. “Nice to see you too.”

Jon was never one to actually realize how well liked and popular he really was; he may have been world famous, but on paper it seemed like he was hardly that successful. A standup comedian from New Jersey who was stuck hosting a show on TV and whose most notable venture outside the realm of political satire was one failed movie.

Truth be told he had a lot of influence on people of all ages, not just in America but in countries all over the world, as well as worlds he didn’t know existed. And while he wasn’t the type to be approached for an autograph while on the streets (though to be fair that was because no one could recognize him without his makeup or suit) he did have fans. But what Jon failed to realize was that here in Ponyville, Lyra wasn’t the only pony eager to meet him.

There was a slight strain in Jon’s back as he struggled to hold onto the three fillies that had jumped into his arms, like a child greeting a parent coming home from work. He only vaguely recognize two of them but there was no mistaking the southern drawl that was Applebloom’s voice.

“It’s real nice to see ya again!” She yelled loud enough for Jon to recoil in surprise. “I missed ya so much!”

“Yeah... I missed you too, sweety.” Jon struggled to continue supporting the three star-eyed children.

“Did’ja bring me anything from New York.” She continued, oblivious to Jon’s awkward balancing act.

“Uh yeah sure I did.” He grunted as he arched his back to relieve some stress. “I got you a bagel from the corner of Broadway and Columbus.”

“That’s great!” She blurted as she turned to her smiling friends. “Me and the girls were actually just talking about trying to get our Cutie marks in--”

“Uh, Sweetheart?” Jon interrupted, his face now showing signs of strain. “Do you mind if I put you girls down now... I’m not as young as I used to be.”

“Oh, of course!” She sputtered as Jon quickly, but gently placed the three fillies on the ground. By correctly lowing himself by bending his knees Jon made it so his back was no longer aching but instead now is legs; this was evident by a look on his face of great displeasure.

“Hey, you okay, dude?” An orange Pegasus with purple hair said.

“Yeah, I should be fine.” Jon answered as he arched his back. “I’m just... I’m just tired.”

“QUICK! Let’s find him something to sit down on!” The light colored Unicorn who first saw Jon exclaimed.

Before Jon could reply, all three fillies scattered to all corners of the room trying to find something that was large enough for Jon to sit in. In their desperate struggle to find a seat worthy enough for a comedian they recklessly, almost unknowingly, caused great destruction to the many articles of clothing in the room.

One of the fillies was a pegasus who took to running on the ground, though she did so with such speed that Jon just saw orange blurs. She would run underneath low hanging dress after another, occasionally getting tangled in one causing the entire display of racked clothing to tumble over.

The one Unicorn with purple and pink in her hair tried to move a nearby coffee table towards Jon. Unfortunately she only managed to move one side which caused a cup of tea to spill over on a pile of concept art.

And last but not least Applebloom, being the innovated filly that she was, instead opted to make her own seat for Jon in the form of a pile of clothing large enough to act as a pseudo-nest. It almost looked like it would work but one fabric of clothing she yanked was still attached to a sewing machine, which promptly tumbled down and shattering into pieces.

None of the three helpful fillies were making much progress.

“Girls please!” Jon begged. “Be careful, you’ll hurt yourself!” But they didn’t listen. This, as well as what was to come, would show Jon just how laser focused these three were when they had their mind set on something. Before Jon was able to negotiate further a voice boomed from behind.

“HEY GIRLS, CHECK IT OUT!” Yelled the orange Pegasus, causing everyone to regroup. “Think this will work?”

Jon was almost terrified to see what she was referring to; though his curiosity was greater. The purple maned pony was motioning to a large black suitcase so large it could probably fit the entire trio of friends, but also small enough to act as a seat for Jon. In terms of size it was perfect

The only problem was, and what the three of them seemed to not understand, was that the case in question was also acting as support for a work bench that had lost two of it’s legs.

“Come on, you two slowpokes!” The tiny Pegasus roared. “Help me move this thing.” Following her order all three girls grabbed a section of the suitcase and began to either push, or pull it towards Jon direction; scraping the ground and leaving marks in the process.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait I don’t think that’s a good Id--”Jon tried to say before being cut off by the sound of the table collapsing, bringing with it an avalanche of tools and kitchen ware which shattered on the ground.

Even though none of damaged items belonged to Jon, nor did he know how half of them even worked, he still felt a twang of pain at seeing the once elegant, if cluttered, room of clothing now reduced to ruins. The destructive powers of these three fillies was so great that it rivaled that of Jon’s own children.

At this point Jon was surprised they didn’t get their Cutie marks in demolition. When he looked down he saw the three children looking up at him with bright eyes and welcoming smiles. Jon didn’t know whether to thank them or scold them for their irresponsible behavior but with the three of them sporting such proud looks on their face for their good deed, he decided to just go with it.

“Thanks.” He sighed as he slowly sat down. Jon adjusted his suit as leaned forward to placed his elbows on his knees “Applebloom sweetie, aren’t you going to introduce me to your little friends?”

“Oh right!” She gasped as she leapt to one side and threw her hooves out in a demonstrative pose. “Johnny, these are my two bestest friends in all of Equestria! This here is Scootaloo!”

“What’s up?” The corresponding pony said, as she wiped her nose with her hoof. It looks like she was on the verge of beating a cold.

“Not much, sport.” Jon answered. “Also are you the same Scootaloo that sends me those letters about Rainbow Dash?”

“Yeah, that’s me!” She answered proudly. “Wow I can’t believe you remem--

“I see... please stop.” He interrupted in a blunt tone. “I’ll re-interview her when the time is right.” The young Pegasus' red nose not matched her blushing faced at her friends tried to not giggle to loudly at her.

“Ahem! Now then... as I was saying...” Applebloom continued as held back a laugh and motioned to the light grey Unicorn. “That was Scootaloo... and I reckon you’ve already met Sweetie Belle.”

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Mr. Stewart.” She chimed.

“Likewise, honey. But please call me Jon... or Johnny; whichever you prefer.” He said as he leaned back to get a good view of his three helpers. “So... Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle huh? Well any friend of Applebloom’s is a friend of mine... thank you girls for the seat.”

“You're welcome!” All three of them said at once.

“You can always count on The Cutie Mark crusaders to get the job done!” Applebloom cheerfully added.

“The Cutie what nows?” Jon pondered aloud, which caused all three fillies to stand up and take notice with shocked expressions.

“Wait a minute!” Scootaloo explained. “You’ve never heard of us before!?”

“Should I have?” Jon asked.

“Of course you should!” Sweetie Belle answered. “Let’s show em girls!”

And with that all three friends jumped into the nearest pile of clothing only to quickly jump back out with matching capes in their backs like they were Clark Kent emerging from a phone booth.

“Oh Lord, what have I gotten myself into?” Jon thought as the three raced to get back in formation.

“We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Applebloom proudly announced to all who could hear her. “Our purpose in life is to do whatever it takes to find that thing that makes us unique and special so that we may finally get our very own CUTIE MARKS!”

Looking briefly to the side Jon noticed for the first time that the three of them were indeed without cutie marks, making them “blank flanks.”

“Aw isn’t that cute,” Jon commented. “So how do you do that? Do you like... make pretend till something happens or what?”

“Hey! We’re not babies!” Sweetie Belle corrected. “We don’t just play around; what we do is serious business!”

“The frilly capes tell me otherwise.” Jon teased, as he crossed one leg over another and echoed a hefty laugh. “I got to say Applebloom, it is nice seeing my favorite filly again.”

Hearing this made the young Earthpony giggle and blush slightly while the other two looked on with jealous eyes.

“I can’t even remember the last time we met,” He said, setting himself up for a quick joke. “Oh that’s right, I remember now! It was when I teleported in the middle of your class and stole your teacher.”

For a second it looked as if Applebloom was about to comment on that, but before she would her two friends literally jumped in to add to the conversation.

“We were there!” Sweetie Belle announced.

“We totally were!” Scootaloo added with a sniffle. “We all go to the same school! Me and Sweetie Belle always thought Applebloom was lying about knowing you but now we for sure believe her.”

“HEY!” Applebloom blurted, but not before a roaring laughter at her expense by her friends.

“Hey Mr. Stew... I mean Jon?” Sweetie Belle eagerly asked after the teasing had come to a stop. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, hun.” Jon answered.

"Okay thanks." Sweetie Belle said. Jon waited for her to ask her question but all she did was stare at Jon till he finally spoke.

"Um... you-- what did you want to ask me?" He asked.

"Oh that was it." Sweetie Belle revealed. "My question was 'can I ask you something.'"

A joke that terrible was something he'd expect from his own children which was just one reason he found it so humorous and adorable.

"Oh ho! Nice one." Jon chuckled. "I'll have to remember that one!"

"Thanks... but there actually was something I wanted to ask you." She said, prompting Jon to wave his hand for her to continue. "What are you doing here in Equestria?” This question was simple and to be expected, and yet it caught the famous comedian by surprise as well as reminded him of why he was here in the first place.

“Oh well I’m actually uh... I’m actually here on a secret mission.” He answered. He didn’t want anyone to know what his true intentions were so in a split second he came up with this story instead. A uncharacteristically rookie mistake on his part since it just make the children in the room more curious.

“Tell us, tell us, tell us!” The three of them demanded.

“Sorry girls, but it’s top secret.” Jon dug himself deeper. “If I told you then what would be the point?”

“But you gotta tell us!” Applebloom begged.

“Yeah!” Scootaloo added. “We gave you a seat so it’s the least you can do!”

“Whatever happened to good deeds for the sake of good deeds?” Jon asked.

“Pffft that’s for suckers!” Scootaloo chorded.

“Does your mission have something to do with the Carousel Boutique?” Sweetie Belle demanded to know. Using inference on the sophistication of the name Jon figured it was the name of the establishment he wandered into.

“Oh so that’s what this place is called.” Jon said. From here the girls wouldn’t drop the subject; though Jon knew how to handle this. He had kids of his own so he knew of a good way to change the tides; by changing the subject.

“So come on! Out with it!” Scootaloo demanded. “What are you doing here, buster!”

“You know I could ask you the same question, young lady!” Jon challenged. “From what I could gather this place belongs to someone called ‘Rarity’... how do I know you guys aren’t robbing the joint?”

“That’s not true!” Applebloom depended.

“Yeah sure. I bet you had this placed staked out for months!” He continued, with a forced look of disappointment. “I can see it now... you three spying on poor innocent Rarity through binoculars across the street in a parked van.”

“But I drive a scooter!” Scootaloo interjected.

“Trying to get your breaking and entering cutie marks, huh?” He teased.

“I would never do that to my sister!” Sweetie Belle said.

“Ooooh so you live here do ya?” Jon said. “Then that makes this an inside job! For shame Sweetie Belle... on your own sister!”

“But I’m innocent!” Sweetie Belle maintained, jumping up and down while Jon laughed at her pouting face.

“Oh honey I’m just pulling your leg.” Jon cooed. “So why does your sis have all her gear on display? Is she having a blowout sale or is she just taking inventory?”

“Oh we did this!” Scootaloo said in a rather proud tone. “We were trying to see if we could get our Cutie Marks in moving stuff around... but it didn’t work out so well.”

“Yeah, we got bored so we went upstairs to color.” Sweetie Belle added.

“You three... were trying to get your Cutie Marks in furniture removal?” Jon surmised. “Wow... you girls really shoot for the stars don’t ya.”

The three may’ve been good at teasing, but Jon was an expert. Though now having known that this establishment belonged to her older sister, Jon slowly did a glance from the door to the staircase. He did so to admire the absolute mess that was before him at the hands of the three fillies and came to the conclusion that he did not want to stick around to see Rarity’s reaction.

“Well... this has been all rather nice. Getting to know you all and catching up on old times.” Jon said as he slowly lifted himself up. “But like the US military in Iraq I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

“Awwwww you're leavin’ already!?” Applebloom complained. “But ya’ll just got here!”

“Sorry sweetheart but I have to.” He said. “If I don’t leave now I’ll never--”

The sound of a chirpy tune cut through the air silencing Jon and earning him the immediate attention of everyone present. The sound was coming from his breast pocket and made him tense up in fear.

It was his cellphone.

Comments

[Cantankerous]

He felt a sense of wonder and excitement like nothing he’d ever felt before when he first learned of an entire world outside of his own with equal parts eagerness and astonishment.

This sentence is awkwardly written.

Speaking of which which Tracey always

“which which”
Also, there should be a comma after "speaking of which."

Jon tired

Used the world “tired” instead of “tried”

Feeling that his was as good as things were going to get

that his?

the three star-eyes children.

Don’t you mean “star-eyed”?

The young Pegasus' red nose not matched her blushing faced at her friends tired to not giggle to loudly at her.

Used the word “tired” instead of “tried”

thought Appleboom was lying about knowing you but now we for sure believe her.”

You kept spelling her name "Appleboom" instead of "Applebloom."

but not before a roaring laughter at her expense by her three friends.

You mean by her two friends, or was Jon laughing too?

[Frission]

And of course if you want to ride a hot air balloon or take the train out of town to say somewhere like, Canterlot Castle... you head towards the west side of Ponyville, otherwise known as the industrial part of town.

Considering the context you're going for, that should read east side of Ponyville, not west.

[seeker of truth n]

She eventually peered through the door window of the establishment he currently occupied like the raptor scene from Jurassic Park only to proceed to the next one. Jon was safe for now. this is hilarious