The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Episode 21 [Fluttershy]: Lost phone

Jon Stewart is old. This would come as no surprise to anyone who knew him. Born in 1962, Jon was now over 50 years old, and while he and his writing staff liked to fall back on the occasional “Jon is old” joke (usually while doing a segment with a younger correspondent like Jessica Williams), whenever he told such jokes there was always an underlying sense of unironic truth behind it.

One of Jon’s favorite shows was The Simpsons, of which he was grateful to appear in once, and one of his favorite characters on the show was Grampa Simpson. He liked him because, to him, he was an avatar for how he felt being the older gentleman that he was.

And of course Jon was two things above all else; a family man and a working man, both of which made him feel older than he actually was. Or, as Abraham Jay-Jedediah "Abe" Simpson put it in the 1996 episode Homerpalooza:

“I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me.”

When it came to work, Daily Show Headquarters was stocked with a cavalcade of spritely young men and women who could easily pass as his own child. The reason being that not only were most of his staff budding up-and-coming writers fresh out of college, but a large majority of his employees were interns still in University with dreams of making it big in the real world; some of whom had more ink on their skin than on their resumes.

And then there was the Stewart household.

Having a wife that’s a full decade younger than him was one thing but having two kids whose ages were barely in the double digits didn’t help him feel less like an old man. Then there was how insulting it was when those who didn’t know of him thought he was their grandfather.

Whether it was their hyperactive scampering about or ceaseless ramblings about the latest iOS app or viral video, Jon found it difficult to keep up with them. And the cherry on top of the sunday that was his dilemma of feeling like an old man in a young person's world was that he could never understand the many fascinations his children held in such high regard.

In reality, their young minds were a reflection of modern society so for Jon he just found their way of thinking to be obtuse and was convinced that things were better in his days. Or to quote another Simpsons character:

“Am I out of touch? No; it’s the children who are wrong.” - Seymour Skinner.

And indeed it was in the Stewart household that Jon could be seen stumbling around the family living room, unintentionally flaunting his advanced age yet again in the form of him walking in circles looking for something which he had lost.

Tracey was in the next room preparing lunch when her husband called out to her. She decided to stay put and not waste her time helping him out because she knew from experience where this daily ritual would lead to.

“Traaaceeey!” Jon called out as he stumbled around the room with all the grace of a drunk three- legged cow. “Have you seen my phone?!”

“Did you check your pocket, dear?” Tracey called back as she checked the skillet to see if it was at the right temperature.

“Of course…” Jon began before quickly patting himself down to check every compartment on his person from his trousers to his breast pocket, “... I have! It’s not there! Can you help me find it?”

But still, Tracey resolved not to move; she knew that any second now he’d find it on his own regardless of whether she helped or not. Last time this happened it was for the TV remote and it was in his right hand the entire time.

Even without turning around to face him, Tracey could hazard a guess as to what he looked like. His poor posture as he awkwardly tried to bend over to look under a couch cushion without hurting his back, combined with his squinting eyes (as he was often too stubborn to wear his glasses for anything other than reading), made him resemble an animal trying to stand on its hind legs for the first time.

The reason Tracey was as adamant about not helping as Jon was about finding his phone was because she knew it would turn into an ego thing. If she helped it would just bum Jon out that he was too inattentive to remember where he placed it, too rigid to properly get on his knees to get a lower vantage point, and too blind to see it even if it was in plain sight.

All the hallmarks of feeling old.

No, Tracey wanted her husband to figure this out on his own so he could feel that jolt of satisfaction for doing so. Jon however didn’t care how he would come about retrieving his cellphone so long as he just found it as soon as possible... because this was no ordinary cellular device.

“Dammit!” Jon thought as he flipped over the same sofa cushion he checked a few minutes ago to see if the phone would mysteriously appear this time. “Where did I leave that thing?!”

The reason Jon was so worried about finding something he could easily just replace was that this particular phone was his work phone which housed within it several contacts, files, and messages that he needed to respond too. But most importantly it was the phone which he used for work not just here in New York but in Equestria as well.

One advantage to being business partners with Celestia was the perks he got for working with a living, breathing God-like creature with other worldly powers. Such powers included teleporting him to various locations around Equestria, healing magic if he ever got hurt on the job, and most impressive of all his cellphone, which had been enchanted with magical properties making it Jon’s greatest tool while out in the field.

A problem that came about early when in Equestria, but was easily dealt with, was that while it was easy for Jon to make calls to other Equestrian numbers while in their world those back home in New York couldn't get ahold of him. There weren’t many service providers who had “Equestria” on their list of unlimited calls nationwide.

While Jon didn’t particularly hate the idea of his business associates and other world related colleagues being unable to get in contact with him he knew this was a problem. Celestia agreed and, using her magic, made it so his phone could make and receive calls no matter what world he was in.

Jon did not want to go through the hassle of getting a new phone anymore than having to ask Celestia to use her phenomenal cosmic power to make sure he was at a constant five bar status.

In addition, Jon was reminded of the last time he lost his cellphone; it didn’t end well. Turning around, Jon desperately checked under the same couch cushion from before. Same results.

“I gotta find that phone,” Jon muttered under his breath.

The next half-hour proceeded in the same fashion; Jon stumbling about trying to find his lost hardware with Tracey close by working in the kitchen. Both children were upstairs in their rooms so they didn't have a chance to gloat at their father who always lectured them on misplacing their toys.

At one point during his quest he forgot what it was he was even looking for whereupon he promptly decided to watch some TV. This would have been fine in terms of a quick break but when he left to go to the restroom he also misplaced the TV remote. He found it and proceeded to gleefully tell Tracey who reminded him that it was his cellphone he was looking for.

Never had he felt more like Derpy.

“Honey, lunch is ready!” Tracey called out from the kitchen. “Can you get the kids?”

“In a minute babe,” he answered back while looking under a random sofa cushion, “I need to find my phone... can’t you help me?”

“Did you try calling it with your family phone?” Tracey responded after a tired sigh.

“Of course…” Jon began before quickly digging out his friends and family phone and dialing his number, yielding no results other than the fact that it went to voicemail after a few rings, “... I did, and nothing! Can you help me out please?”

With her resolve to not get involved not completely eroded, Tracey shook her head and decided to see if she could help guide this mouse to the cheese at the end of the maze. After placing the food on the table she walked over to her husband who was scratching his head while looking in all directions.

“Okay okay, I’m here,” she assured him with a stroke of his aging hair. “So cellphone… right. Okay, think honey… when was the last time you remember using it?”

Tilting his head, Jon found answering her question to be as daunting a task as finding the phone had been up to this point. He barely remembered what he had for dinner last night let alone when he last used his phone.

And since he had just finished another week-long holiday, no one was trying to get ahold of him for business, so he had to think long and hard for a reference point.

Seeing him struggle, Tracey motioned for him to sit down while she gently rubbed his head. It felt nice, but more than that the stimulation was enough to get him to remember when he last had it and subsequently where he might have lost it. He was not pleased with this newfound memory.

Before Tracey could ask if he could remember, Jon shot up from his seat so quickly he almost headbutted her across her chin. Reeling back, she wanted to ask what was wrong, but again Jon was on the move, this time heading towards the stairs.

“J-Jon honey!” she called out in a confused tone. “Where are you going?”

“To get the kids just like you asked!” he called back. “Remember, it’s lunch time!”

Turning the corner at the top of the stairs, Jon made his way towards his kid’s rooms with Tracey wondering why the sudden burst of energy that was so rare for a man his age. Shrugging it off, she walked back to prepare the table for the soon-to-be lunch with her family.

Jon, however, was still standing in the hallway with his back to the wall, occasionally peeking over and down the stairs to be sure Tracey was gone. With heavy breath, Jon was now in a slight state of panic.

He didn’t technically lie because he was going to get his kids, but the real reason he needed to get away from her was because he realized that the last time he had his phone was when they both got invited to stay at Canterlot Castle, with Celestia acting as their personal tour guide.

It was a nice gesture that the two humans took advantage of, Jon objectionably more than Tracey. Because although he had a great relationship with her, Jon found himself upsetting Celestia a tad bit when he ran off into the closed-off Canterlot Garden.

Even worse was when Tracey caught him as well and proceeded to punish him for embarrassing her in front of her pony friends.

All in all it was an experience that Jon would rather forget, which is why he didn’t want to bring it back up around his wife, with the idea being that he most likely dropped his phone while skulking around against the royal sister’s best wishes.

With a heavy moan, Jon took out his personal phone and then proceeded to type in a number that only he knew. If he wanted to get his phone back he would need to call Celestia and ask her to allow him access back into her garden to retrieve it.

He was not looking forward to having to bring this unpleasantness back to her attention and was already coming up with another apology for the incident. Thankfully however the universe decided that this gesture would not be necessary and granted him a free ride when at the moment he was about to press dial a message came up on his phone, slightly startling him.

Squinting his eyes, Jon realized that his phone had received a text message which he would, at a time like this, usually be fully ready to ignore were it not for the fact that the person texting him was himself.

“What the hell?” Jon said at the sight of receiving a text message from the very cellphone he had just spent the last hour looking for.

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