The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews

by Daily Show Ponies

Episode 13 [Fancy Pants]: I have to do what now?

Even before sitting down Jon and Tracey were attracting a lot of attention from the many patrons of the 'Alimentaire Cheval.’ Their enormous size and the fact that they were of a different species meant they were turning a bunch of heads but now, in their new booth, they were literally the center of attention.

Since their arrival Jon's plans of having a dinner with Tracey had changed to a double date with Fancy Pants and his companion Fleur de Lis, and to his surprise he actually enjoyed their company.

"So...Fancy Pants." Jon said, secretly not actually calling him by his name. "What's the deal? Why did you want to dine with me and Tracey so bad?"

"Well isn't it obvious? Jon my good man you have been quite the talk of the town as of late," he said. "Anypony associated with you is only the highest caliber of pony, and when we heard about how you'd be coming in today…well, we just had to see if it was true."

"Huh, didn't think I was that famous ‘round these parts." Jon said. "I'm assuming I'm not the only reason you came here today though."

"Oh quite right Jon, quite right." He said. "In addition I get the chance to spend some time away from work and with my lovely partner over here."

"Funny you should mention that cause that's exactly why we came out today as well." Tracey said as she lovingly rubbed Jon's arm.

"Well you and I are not alone," Fancy Pants said. "This restaurant is an ideal local for couples to congregate and mingle."

Jon peaked from out of his booth to see if Fancy Pants was telling the truth, and indeed he was. Table after table Jon saw ponies making bedroom eyes at each other or leaning in close for comfort.

One such couple he saw was a pair of Unicorns near the front of the stage; where one was using it's magic to flirtatiously pop a piece of food in the other one's mouth. The male pony was light blue with a dark blue mane while the female pony was light grey and had streaks of purple and white in her hair. Jon thought they looked familiar but quickly dismissed it and returned to his double date which had gone on without him.

"So, Fleur de Lis?" Tracey ventured. "How long have you and Fancy Pants been together?"

She didn't answer but instead leaned her entire body against Fancy Pants staring in any direction but at the humans.

"Oh we've been together for quite some time now. Almost ten years in fact." Fancy Pants answered for her as if nothing was wrong. "It's amusing how after all this time she still detests my long hours at work but, in the end we're very happy with each other...isn't that right, my love?"

Again she didn't answer but this time she showed some courtesy by slowly swinging her long slender neck to face Jon and Tracey giving them a simple nod of the head as an answer.

After an embarrassed cough Jon tried to keep the flow of conversation going.

"Anyway, it seems we're not so different...you and I." Jon said before taking a sip of his wine.

"I'm not too fond my husband's work schedule either." Tracey confessed for clarification. "So I know how you feel, dear."

"Yeah, that’s why we're here today." Jon added. "The only reason I even thought about coming to Equestria was to spend some time with Tracey."

"Ah yes of course," Fancy Pants said. "But that's not the only reason now is it, kind sir?" Jon didn't know what he was implying. He would have asked him to clarify but then the sound of the small orchestra on stage coming to a halt grabbed everyone's attention.

In response the crowed gave an applause like what one might hear at a golf tournament. A majority of them did so by stomping their hooves against the floor. Octavia took the first bow followed by her colleagues then went right back to playing. As they did a group of ponies surrounded Jon's booth from all sides.

"Ah, excellent our meals have arrived." Fancy Pants said with glee. Jon turned to see four different ponies come up and place various plates of food in front of them.

"If you require anything else please do not hesitate to ask." One of them said before dashing off. At that moment Jon realized that as well as setting up their reservation and seating arrangements Celestia also took the liberty of picking out their food. A bit restrictive but Jon didn't want to cause a scene by complaining. Just as well too since their food was salad which Tracey enjoyed eating and would have probably had him order anyway.

Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis had ordered their food before Jon had even arrived at the restaurant which meant they all got to eat at the same time. He ordered the pasta while she was content with just water and a small helping of soup.

"This all looks so good," Tracey said. "So...so healthy looking."

"Well come on gang let's dig in," Jon said with much vigor. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."

Jon's comment made everyone at the table, including Fleur de Lis, look at him with odd expressions.

"...What?" Jon asked before getting intercepted by Tracey.

"It's just a figure of speech!" She explained. "We don't...we don't actually...uh, eat horses."

After an uncomfortable silence Fancy Pants was the first to say something.

"Ahem...yes well I propose a toast." He said lifting his glass in the air. "To a great dinner and even better friends!

After that the two couples enjoyed their meal while going back and forth talking about themselves and their experiences. Everyone shared in the conversation, with the exception of Fleur de Lis, but it was a bit one sided with Fancy Pants asking a lot of questions in an attempt to pick the brains of the human couple.

Tracey told stories about her life as a veterinary technician which for Equestrians meant she'd be a doctor of sorts. Jon, at the request of Fancy Pants, talked about his life growing up in New Jersey, his time as a comedian in New York and his visits to Equestria.

"So...so you're telling me..." Fancy Pants said in between fits of laughter. "That after your photographer chum blinded the guards with a flash from his camera you two just left!?"

"More like we hauled ass," Jon said, nudging his wife with his shoulder. "I tell ya I don't remember the last time I ran that hard."

"My word Jonathan," Fancy Pants said. "If you don't mind me saying but it seems whenever you come visit our world you find yourself in a bit of a predicament."

"In some respects it's the same back home." Tracey said. "My husband can be a real trouble maker sometimes."

"Who me?" Jon asked innocently.

"Yes you!" Tracey said lightly pushing him.

"Oh I see gang up on the Jew," Jon said trying hard not to laugh. "Real classy Trace!"

“Well then…should I tell them about the time the local sheriff caught you doing…the thing you did from when we vacationed in Vermont that one year?” Tracey asked causing Jon to look away in embarrassment.

“My word it would seem your husband is quite the rapscallion.” Fancy Pants said in jest.

“Oh don’t act so innocent mister monocle.” Jon said. “I’m sure if I asked your gal she’d tell me a story or two about you.”

“Oh…I disagree; I’m what you would call quite boring…yes, yes I’m afraid I'm just a uninteresting stick in the mud.” Fancy Pants said. “Believe me when I say my life isn’t filled with the richness and excitement like yours. For me it's business as usual…isn’t that right dear.”

“Boarding School prank.” Fleur de Lis said, the mere fact she spoke surprised everyone at the table. Fancy Pants turned to face his marefriend with a shocked look on his face like she’d just given the password to his bank account. Seeing this, both Jon and Tracey locked on their target with matching smiles.

“What’s this about a boarding school prank?” Tracey asked.

“Yes…do enlighten us.” Jon added. Clearing his throat Fancy Pants adjusted himself in his seat and took a sip of his wine to avoid having to answer himself for a second.

“Yes well…I believe what Fleur de Lis means is…once when I was a young lad I got in trouble at boarding school.” He confessed. “I…was caught playing a prank on the school's dean.”

“Oh this I gotta hear.” Jon said as he leaned in with both elbows on the table. With a sigh of defeat Fancy Pants explained himself.

“Well…if you must know back when I attended boarding school there was this fraternity that I wanted to join.” He explained. “I wanted so badly to be a part of them since most ponies who joined their ranks went on to do great things in their life.”

“You? A frat boy?” Jon teased. “I can’t imagine.”

“Anyway…one of the conditions of my acceptance was that I had to play a prank on the dean of our school.” He continued. “It was during a three day weekend and on the final day I broke into his office and…well I replaced all his documentations with photocopies of my…ahem…of my…posterior, as it were.”

Tracey didn’t laugh out of respect, although she badly wanted to. Jon on the other hand laughed so hard it almost gave him a headache.

“So…s-s-so what happened!?” Jon asked, determined to hear the ending.

“Well my plan failed since halfway through the dean came in anyway and caught me in the act…I almost got expelled.” Fancy Pants said.

“Why was he in his office if the campus was closed?” Tracey asked.

“Ah that was my mistake.” Fancy Pants said. “As it turns out…it wasn’t a three day weekend…just a regular one.”

This time both Tracey and Jon laughed with Fleur de Lis looking playful and Fancy Pants red in the face.

“In the end I never did join their fraternity.” Fancy Pants said before sipping his wine. “Ah memories.”

“But hey…who needs em anyway right?” Jon said trying to make his friend feel better. “I mean you went on to do great things right? I mean…uh, what do you do?”

“Oh this and that.” Fancy Pants said. “I like to dabble in a variety of things…case in point I actually own this restaurant.”

“Wait I thought that Gustave fellow owned this place?” Tracey asked.

“Ah yes, indeed he does which makes us both co-owners if you want to technical.” Fancy Pants said.

Tracey was about press the issue further when the sound of the orchestra's music caught everyone’s attention once again. They were nearly done with their last piece as demonstrated by the music becoming louder and faster as time went on. Octavia in particular was trying her best to finish with a bang.

"Very talented isn't she?" Fancy Pants said.

"Yes, she is." Tracey agreed.

"A nice girl but sort of too high strung if you know what I mean" Jon commented. "Actually had her on my show once."

"Oh yes I know all about that," Fancy Pants said. "You've interviewed quite a few interesting characters in the past few months...I believe your latest one was with the bulky lad, Iron Will."

"Well, well, well." Jon said. "Sounds like someone's a fan."

"Oh I suppose I must confess, yes I am indeed a devoted follower of your program." He admitted. "Watched it prior to your introduction of the 'Equestrian Interviews.' No matter what project I'm working on I always find time to watch your program...which is why I wouldn't miss tonight for the world."

The two couples stopped talking just in time to see the orchestra lay down their final note. The music escalated to a satisfying climax leaving the guests of the restaurant cheering at a respectable volume.

"Simply marvelous!" Fancy Pants said, looking rather excited.

"Yeah, she still got it." Jon said as he remembered the last time he saw her perform. One by one each of the ponies on stage packed away their instruments and neatly exited the stage on either the left of right.

"Indeed she does." Fancy Pants added. "But now it's time for the main event...isn't that right Jon?"

"I...I beg your pardon?" Jon asked. Before he could get any response Gustave appeared from on high to address the table.

"Now zen monsieur Stewart the stage is cleared and ready to go," he said. "If you would be so kind as to follow me I will escort you to the backstage."

"I'm sorry what?" Jon asked. "Who-- w-wait what are you talking about?"

"Why monsieur we're...ready for you to go on stage." Gustave explained. "You are scheduled to do a, oh how you say...standup comédie for us."

"What!" Jon exclaimed

"Jon honey what's he talking about?" Tracey asked.

"There must be some kind of mistake...I haven't done stand up in years" Jon said now turning his attention to Fancy Pants. "This is some kind of joke right?"

"No, not at all old bean," He said. "The reason I, and a lot of ponies came tonight, was to watch you do a live performance."

Jon was confused he waited a few seconds to see if anyone would own up to this prank. Sadly everyone remained steadfast in their assumptions.

"This...this is crazy," Jon said. "I never agreed to do that!"

"Uh...but monsieur I was told by ze princess that you would," Gustave explained. "Celestia told me that in exchange for having you as a guest tonight we would get the chance to see you perform live for us...she said you had agreed."

"Jon...is this true?" Tracey asked. Jon took a moment to think it over. He never remembered ever saying he would do this. He was about to disagree again when a realization hit him like a falling piano.

"Oooooooh the special favor." Jon said slapping his face. "I told Celestia I'd do anything to get into a restaurant tonight...this must be what she meant."

Jon laughed at how Celestia tricked him into doing this while his wife tried desperately to explain on his behalf.

"Mr. Le Grande there seems to be some kind of miscommunication," she said. "My husband had no idea that you were expecting him to perform...I'm afraid he just can't right now he usually needs weeks of planning beforehand to do a routine."

"Oh I see, I am so sorry once again for the inconvenience," Gustave said. "I'll have to…tell everypony about the cancelled show."

"Oh dear that is a shame," Fancy Pants said who looked visibly saddened by this news. "And I was so looking forward to...'seeing you in action' I guess you could say."

Looking out at the many ponies still in the middle of dinner Jon thought about each and every one of them with disappointing faces. If Celestia was trying to pull another fast one on Jon this was a doozy.

"Now zen you just stay right here monsieur," Gustave said putting a claw on Jon's shoulder which brought him back from his deep thought. "I will take it upon myself to break ze news to zem."

Looking back Jon didn't know whether it was the alcohol in his system, the idea of disappointing his fans, or the thought of letting Celestia getting one up on him, but either way he made his move. Flexing his wings Gustave prepared himself to fly across the room and onto the stage when Jon placed a firm hand on his wing.

"Hold it." Jon said. "...I'll do it."

"Excusez moi?" Gustave said.

"I said I'll do it." Jon reiterated. "I'll do some standup...it won't be much but yeah I'll put on your show!"

"Jon!" Tracey exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Just giving the fans what they want." Jon said, finishing off his last drop of wine.

"Wha...I mean...are you sure?" She asked. "I mean it's such short notice and you didn't even prepare."

"Baby don't worry I got this," Jon said. "If I can handle doing a show during a hurricane I think I can handle this."

"...You sure?" She asked again. Jon actually thought about it for a second.

"Absolutely." He answered. "Gustave...show me to the stage please."

"Oh how smashing!" Fancy Pants said, his excited expression accurately juxtaposing Fleur de Lis'. “I just know you’ll do an excellent job!”

Jon scooted out of his booth and onto the ground, he was about to make his was to the side when he quickly leaned back in to address his wife.

"Hey hon before I go." He said leaning across the table exposing his face to her. "How bout a kiss for good luck."

With a happy sigh Tracey leaned in and planted a kiss on Jon's lips and then straightened out his bow-tie.

"Go get him, babe." She said.

Gustave lead Jon to a sectioned off door on the opposite side of the room on their right. Jon entered by himself while Gustave flew on stage to address the crowd. He began to speak but from behind the door Jon couldn't hear what he was saying but he had no doubt it was some kind of introduction.

Usually backrooms in these kinds of restaurants were very low key with remnants of the working class scattered all about but Jon was surprised to see that this backroom was just as pleasant and fancy as the rest of the building.

He walked forward where the stage entrance awaited him. Along the way a few ponies passed him; they were members of the orchestra that just finished playing. Most of if not all of them we're packed up and ready to leave to their next performance or in some cases back home.

Each one of them passed him and as they did he noticed the very last one was Octavia who he hadn't seen in some time. He pondered whether or not he should say anything but in the end he decided on a greeting most deserving for someone like her.

"Octavia." He said with a nod.

"Jon." She said back. She continued to walk in the opposite direction before address Jon again. “Break a hoof.”

Without even a smile or a second glance she walked off too do her business. Jon laughed and soon found his way to the main entrance to the stage where Gustave was finishing off his introduction speech.

"And now," he said. "Without further ado it is my pleasure to present the guest of the evening...monsieur Jonathan Stewart!"

Comments

[Dan]

The male pony was light blue with a dark blue mane while the female pony was light grey and had streaks of purple and white in her hair.

Twilight Velvet and Nightlight?