- Member Since 24th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 13th, 2021
Knowledge
Prereader, Editor, Cowriter, and Writer. My background is philosophy and accounting. My stories include heavy use of allusions, drama, and foolish ponies.
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look, this is a great idea and a well-written story, but try to stick to ONE story, you have two (maybe three) stories going on and that was just 3 chapters. decide what you want and go with it. don't just write what sounds interesting and keep adding on. like how I taught my little brother, adding more Lego bricks doesn't make something better, it just makes a mess, it's the style and way you place those bricks that really make something worth looking at
8501347
I fair criticism, and what I was most afraid of. I once read a story that used short stories at the beginning of every chapter to set the theme. I wanted to try it, but it seems like it was more annoying than interesting. I will think of what I can do to salvage the situation. I could just relocate all of them to an optional chapter. That way they don't distract from the main story. What do you think?
8501445
personally, i think the ideas are good enough to be separate stories standing on their own two legs, the spider and the dreamers trying to regain their honor. Twilight and Cadence fighting the harmony thing while Trixie sees her as any other princess (which she is) all are good concepts and could be great stories, don't waste them as optional chapters, make them something bigger.
anyways your a decent writer and able to handle criticism, so you can be sure i'll keep reading, no matter what option you choose
8501492
I decided to make a 'short stories' fic for them all. Also, I put in the second part of the Grand Illusion. Feel free to follow me if you want to read more of my stories.
8501492
I might make full fictions out of some of these universes later. One thing at a time. For instance, the Puddinghead chapter came out of a guest chapter I am writing for another writer. That guest chapter was a lot of fun because I decided to take their character all the way to Tartarus and she met all these interesting characters like Sun Wukong, the Monkey King. I can't wait to publish that.
Sure is interesting
Huh... i am pleasantly intrigued by this fic
8502560
Wait for the next chapter, which will be out in the next 12 hours. It gets even more exciting.
8501571
mkay, I look forward to them, for now, i wait for updates
8502662
I will comb it tomorrow for some inevitable mistakes in it. 
My pre-readers have been too busy to help me lately.
Well, the update is out. I hope you enjoy it.
also, I think you should change the way she tells him to respect his friends, she sounds a little too desperate. it breaks the emersion, at least for me
8503458
I will see what I can do. This chapter is slated for touch ups today.
8503458
Anyways, I am glad you are still reading my story.
the only real problem with this chapter is that you made the trip of them going to other towns sound more like you telling us it as a straight fact with no real story behind it, but for the first few chapters, that is fine. once you hit 10 you should start rewriting on a small scale to make it neater and flow more cleanly, aside from that the chapter did its purpose. and you may need to put some more life into how evil Chrissy is, it seems too bland to feel like a threat. basically it makes it hard to sympathise with the mcs
but like I said, hold off on the rewrites until you have at least 10 chapters, no one likes waiting for new chapters just so they have to wait again for them to be polished, as long as they get the point across they are fine for now
8503483
I gave you a promise, even if it gets cringy I will stay with it and try to help in any way I can (aside from editing) I procrastinate way too much to be of help in that department
8503558
Dont worry. Touch ups are rewrites. I most go through and edit and reword things. I might add sentence or two to make something clearer, but that is it.
As for Chryssy, her evil will become more known as we see more of what she has planned and how she will continue to affect the lives of the MCs.
been playing a bit of shadow of Mordor huh?
I didn't spot any major mistakes aside from spelling. also a great use of the changeling ability, I never thought of changelings as holy knights using faith to empower them. it is a great idea and even something you could base an entire story on
8505659
I haven't been playing it but the way Mackey's powers manifested reminded me of it. I just went with it and decided to use the same language I remembered when I played the original.
Anyways, I am glad you liked this action-oriented chapter. I wanted to give a clear indication that things are going to get harder here on out for our MCs and the train scenes. Everything has a price and there are no shortcuts (except for maybe Stein, but that is because he is clever).
good good, nothing standing out at me
8509470
Glad you thought it was good. I was worried that people would find Bodo annoying, which was part of the point even though there was a method to the madness here. It is good to know how a lie detection spell works if one works for a boss who uses them after all.
8509475
also, are you going to add the living pudding head into the story? i think unless you have something planned for her then you should leave her out, and only keep her writings
8509496
If you look back, I moved all mentions of a living Puddinghead to my short-stories fiction. The only thing that exists in this story is her writings.
The plan currently is to have a renaissance of sorts by revealing the true origins of Equestria. Ancient ideas, which were lost during the Ice Age and subsequent restructuring under the princesses, will come back. As for a living Puddinghead, I am considering it, but I don't want to make it that complex. I already have enough to write about without bringing in two dozen more characters that would go with her. Right now, the still living Puddinghead is in another dimension. If things continue as planned, this story will never mention the living one.
couldn't finish this one before commenting. the dialog with the changelings needs some serious polish, it went from interesting to trashy murder fic in a second when you did this “Hahahaha, you are too late now, Prench Guard,” Black Hoof declared. “We are outside your jurisdiction now we are on Equestrian soil.” also try not to have them just stand there and use logic as comebacks, ponies get pissed, angry, sad, they aren't machines using logic to win. the set up is ok but you really need to do some major polishing on that dialog. a major thing people do that ruins a fight scene is the two combatants talking about what they just did, explaining their moves and shit. it kills any thrill your trying to get
8511901
Okay, I will do that. I was super exhausted by that point, so that might explain things. I hope it was otherwise enjoyable.
8511901
I made some edits to the changeling dialogue from where they reveal themselves to the point they escape by mostly removing it.
8502560
Are you still enjoying the new chapters? It has been awhile since I heard back from you.
8511954
I'll give it a re-read soon
8513270
I am thinking of rewriting it even more, so I recommend waiting a bit longer, an hour or so, I will tell you when. The whole who done it seen is changing a bit to flow better and have a few more pieces of evidence in it.
8513270
I finished the rewrite of the final scene. I added a few lines about the griffonia conflict.
Good Stuff
8516825
Thanks for the comment! I just love feedback.
I was worried that this chapter would be all over the place. I had to show progress towards their destination with a matched amount of character development; as a result, the chapter got a lot bigger than my usual spiel.
Looking forward, I just got to hammer out one more chapter before the Halloween special. If all goes as planned, it will come out on the 31st.
help->helped
are overhead->our overhead
"are" is the plural present "to be"
our is possessive.
You could hold a whole philosophical debate on the difference between racism and specism, and whether or not they were acceptable; and if so, on how they COULD be acceptable.
HAH! I like that pecking order: college students, animals, professors.
(ps. "no, lower than that...college students" flows better)
I really like your take on transferring love energy between changelings.
8516875
Thanks. I don't have a pre-reader right now, so this really helps. I am going to go back to the earlier chapters and fix them up when I get a chance.
8516875
True. I didn't want to bury the chapter in that discussion. It is coming, but not now. This chapter already covers a lot. Since that comment about racism/specism came from the Autumn's narrator (third person, but mostly limited to Autumn and to whomever she is talking), it won't be as nuanced as the narration for Bodo, who thinks about these issues on a deeper level than the accountant does. Also, it would have messed with the pacing even more to go off track on that discussion. I would rather have the characters debate it out as they would all have different stances on it than have the narrator do it for them.
As for what constitutes racism and what constitutes specism, that is rather difficult to do in this setting. On Earth, we have an arguably clearer difference. However, the differences between sapient beings on Equus is far more pronounced and multi-leveled. For instance, the three pony tribes could be described as different breeds of the same species, so does discrimination between the different tribes constitute tribalism, breedism, or both? Should we consider the difference between zebras and ponies a difference of race since they are both equines or of species because they are technically different species? Regardless of what is decided at the end, they mostly represent what the culture in question thinks as important differences.
I would be happy to discuss this with you if you want in the comments though.
8516875
I was thinking of Team Four Star's Mr. Popo skit with the pecking order when I wrote that.
8516924
Looking forward to that discussion. I imagine it would be essentially closed once windigoes get brought up ("Do you want windigoes freezing everything? Too much racism/specism is how you get windigoes freezing everything! Keep a lid on that stuff"), but I imagine the gist of the pro-specism outlook would be...
"For humans, race has no or next to no correlation with ability. Thus, for humans, racism is an irrational attitude that cannot be supported with evidence. However, for ponies, race has a very strong correlation with ability; racism is thus not necessarily irrational. "
8516957
Windigo angle is important, which is part of the reason why Equestria is hyper-protectionist in its economic and immigration policies. The original windigo problem was primarily economic in that each party had something the other needed and needed to work together. Outsiders do it on a more fundamental level as Equestria maintains its perfect employment through cutie marks.
However, there is also the procreation and herd mentality angle as well. In order to keep a wide gene pool, there must be sufficient number of similar species in the same community. This is soften by the ability to create hybrid species. The problem with that is some of them end up like mules, which can't reproduce. The herd mentality is mostly finding comfort in those who look like yourself.
There is obviously more to it, but you will have to wait to see how each of the characters see it.
I'm leaving
8522771
Got it. Thanks.
8522771
I hope you enjoyed the chapter. We got the Nightmare Night finale later tonight. I am about a third done with it, so I would expect it around midnight.
8522827
Alas, I need to get to bed in about an hour. I'll be sure to read it tomorrow! (and yeah, I enjoyed the chapter.)
8522886
If you ever have the time, I would like to hear what specifically you enjoyed. I like hearing people's thoughts. Anyways, have a good night sleep.
“What magic did you use to get those mares to try to foal nap me?” she demanded to know.
“None at all.” He bucked the alicorn right in the chest with enough force to break some ribs and knock her out.
The shield dropped, and Black Hoof took advantage of the subsequent panic to escape.
much much better, fast-paced with dialog still sprinkled in. that's a proper fight scene
sorry i took so long, i've felt dead in the water
8523490
I still think I will be rewriting some of my fight scenes later. They usually occur near the climax and that is where I get tired of writing and make some scenes too in detailed.
nice, a little fast-paced but nice. try to add the scenes where they are coming up with the ideas, like how they would get together and discuss how they are going to propose the idea to rich. and don't just make it a short thing where they already know what they're going to do, make it realistic, like they are brainstorming, they simply don't know how to go about it and so they suggest ideas until I pick one they like, stuff like that can really change a story
8523565
I can do that. I don't really want to go into too much detail saying what will, but I can handle a kind of team huddle and some scenarios practice.
Ahhh gotta love the 1984 vibes from Equestria. Looks like they won't have too much trouble convincing the younger generation from joining their cause.
8523751
Thanks for reading this far. I love hearing people's feedback. When I write, I just have all these things I want to try and just do them. Sure some people will get upset and stop reading, but I would rather write without censoring myself. These characters do messed up stuff occasionally, and confronting that eventually makes for a more interesting story in my opinion.
8523751
Yeah, I can't wait for the battle of the bands scene I had outlined since the beginning where the youths of Equestrian rise up for metal.