couldn't finish this one before commenting. the dialog with the changelings needs some serious polish, it went from interesting to trashy murder fic in a second when you did this “Hahahaha, you are too late now, Prench Guard,” Black Hoof declared. “We are outside your jurisdiction now we are on Equestrian soil.” also try not to have them just stand there and use logic as comebacks, ponies get pissed, angry, sad, they aren't machines using logic to win. the set up is ok but you really need to do some major polishing on that dialog. a major thing people do that ruins a fight scene is the two combatants talking about what they just did, explaining their moves and shit. it kills any thrill your trying to get
8513270 I am thinking of rewriting it even more, so I recommend waiting a bit longer, an hour or so, I will tell you when. The whole who done it seen is changing a bit to flow better and have a few more pieces of evidence in it.
8523490 I still think I will be rewriting some of my fight scenes later. They usually occur near the climax and that is where I get tired of writing and make some scenes too in detailed.
Really liked this chapter. The homage to Agatha Christie was excellent. (Might not be a big murder mystery fan but of course just still know of her and have read some of her works.) I feel this fight scene was better than the one in chapter four, more fleshed out and fun to read. Was also nice seeing some of our favourite ponies from the show as they interacted with your oc's. There was more I was going to say but now can't recall what it was but anyway keep up the good work!
8534870 Thanks for commenting. You should probably have a notepad so you don't forget things you want to say later.
I will get to editing for you soonish.
As for the combat thing, it is more that I got better at it as time progressed. The earlier chapters had a more rushed feel to them. I became more comfortable writing more fleshed out scenes as I approached Equestria.
8731722 We will have to see. I got a lot of writing before we get there. Butting heads with some reckless physics students will be fun to write. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story.
couldn't finish this one before commenting. the dialog with the changelings needs some serious polish, it went from interesting to trashy murder fic in a second when you did this “Hahahaha, you are too late now, Prench Guard,” Black Hoof declared. “We are outside your jurisdiction now we are on Equestrian soil.” also try not to have them just stand there and use logic as comebacks, ponies get pissed, angry, sad, they aren't machines using logic to win. the set up is ok but you really need to do some major polishing on that dialog. a major thing people do that ruins a fight scene is the two combatants talking about what they just did, explaining their moves and shit. it kills any thrill your trying to get
8511901
Okay, I will do that. I was super exhausted by that point, so that might explain things. I hope it was otherwise enjoyable.
8511901
I made some edits to the changeling dialogue from where they reveal themselves to the point they escape by mostly removing it.
8502560
Are you still enjoying the new chapters? It has been awhile since I heard back from you.
8511954
I'll give it a re-read soon
8513270
I am thinking of rewriting it even more, so I recommend waiting a bit longer, an hour or so, I will tell you when. The whole who done it seen is changing a bit to flow better and have a few more pieces of evidence in it.
8513270
I finished the rewrite of the final scene. I added a few lines about the griffonia conflict.
“What magic did you use to get those mares to try to foal nap me?” she demanded to know.
“None at all.” He bucked the alicorn right in the chest with enough force to break some ribs and knock her out.
The shield dropped, and Black Hoof took advantage of the subsequent panic to escape.
much much better, fast-paced with dialog still sprinkled in. that's a proper fight scene
sorry i took so long, i've felt dead in the water
8523490
I still think I will be rewriting some of my fight scenes later. They usually occur near the climax and that is where I get tired of writing and make some scenes too in detailed.
Really liked this chapter. The homage to Agatha Christie was excellent. (Might not be a big murder mystery fan but of course just still know of her and have read some of her works.)
I feel this fight scene was better than the one in chapter four, more fleshed out and fun to read.
Was also nice seeing some of our favourite ponies from the show as they interacted with your oc's.
There was more I was going to say but now can't recall what it was but anyway keep up the good work!
8534870
Thanks for commenting. You should probably have a notepad so you don't forget things you want to say later.
I will get to editing for you soonish.
As for the combat thing, it is more that I got better at it as time progressed. The earlier chapters had a more rushed feel to them. I became more comfortable writing more fleshed out scenes as I approached Equestria.
Oh man, and here's where the guys from the physics department come in...
Not good.
Hopefully they can escape the 'upgraded' mind control...
8731722
We will have to see. I got a lot of writing before we get there. Butting heads with some reckless physics students will be fun to write. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story.