8502662 Well, the update is out. I hope you enjoy it. I will comb it tomorrow for some inevitable mistakes in it. My pre-readers have been too busy to help me lately.
the only real problem with this chapter is that you made the trip of them going to other towns sound more like you telling us it as a straight fact with no real story behind it, but for the first few chapters, that is fine. once you hit 10 you should start rewriting on a small scale to make it neater and flow more cleanly, aside from that the chapter did its purpose. and you may need to put some more life into how evil Chrissy is, it seems too bland to feel like a threat. basically it makes it hard to sympathise with the mcs
but like I said, hold off on the rewrites until you have at least 10 chapters, no one likes waiting for new chapters just so they have to wait again for them to be polished, as long as they get the point across they are fine for now
8503483 I gave you a promise, even if it gets cringy I will stay with it and try to help in any way I can (aside from editing) I procrastinate way too much to be of help in that department
8503558 Dont worry. Touch ups are rewrites. I most go through and edit and reword things. I might add sentence or two to make something clearer, but that is it.
As for Chryssy, her evil will become more known as we see more of what she has planned and how she will continue to affect the lives of the MCs.
I like the idea of the story. But I have a few concerns: I'm feel like you are making changelings OP. illusion magic, complete transformation, disguise items are removable and can exist off body, changelings giving love to other changelings (unless it was a transfer and not creating new love). Any one item is not an issue, it just feels like a set up to a bad self insert. Why did they not simply buy tickets as ponies, it would have been cheaper. Unless there are possible visa issues or some such, it just seems like an unfired chekhov's gun. I will keep reading, I really like the premise.
8535460 They could have transformed into ponies, but it was a visa issue outside of Equestria since it was built by the Equestrians and they want to get reimbursed. Chapter 12 gives more insight into what makes the ponies so strong, but the real threat to our protagonists isn't the ponies but other changelings. Like Rainbow Dash can literally break the sound barrier, so that is some serious power too. I really wanted to explore the powers I associated with changelings and attach them to the character's personality. It is just a really power heavy universe.
The general idea here is that changelings win in a fight against a species with less magic than them unless that person has a way to neutralize magic. Since changelings are mostly made of magic, things that affect magic or prevent it completely beat them. Think of it like rock-paper-scissors. Mundane strength beats magic resistance, magic resistance beats magic, and magic beats mundane. Ponies are a mixture of magic and mundane, so have about half the strengths and half of the weaknesses of the two classes. Adult dragons are basically boss characters in that they are both strong in mundane strength and magic resistance with moderate magic (fire breath).
If you wanted to kill all the changelings, all you would have to do is create a large enough anti-magic bomb and you could turn all the changelings in a city into empty husks. (When I speak of overpowered, I reserve that for magic-tech, not for the power of individuals. And if you complain about magic-tech being overpowered, then remember that on Earth we have nukes. Magic-tech is the Equus equivalent.)
The power scale for changelings are: Drones do not have much access to magic when they are not actively draining love. They burn through their love reserves quickly and while they might beat a few ponies in a burst of spells, they wouldn't sustain themselves without non-changelings supporting them. Mundane have the advantage of having more stamina than magic-based beings.
Praetorian/Materian Guards are a step above drones. They overcome their limited love reserves by being able to force drain a weakened target, which turns the victim into ash. They are roughly three times as strong as changeling drone in all categories before factoring their specialty. They would be as strong as a Captain of the Royal Guard, but they wouldn't be strong enough to maintain a barrier the size of Shining Armor's even if they had a specialty relating to shield casting (none of them do). Again, it comes down to having love readily available and a blitz strategy to overwhelm the enemy.
Praetors/Matres are right below the Queen in terms of authority and are basically the alicorns of the changeling race. They are roughly three times stronger than their guards. Their specialties are far less limited than drones. I won't spoil their powers though.
Queen Chrysalis gets the majority of power through getting fed love from all of her infiltrators. Appreciation feeds, friendship heals, and love grows (a changeling's power). Queen Chrysalis is basically the boss character akin to the adult dragons given enough she has given enough love to scale her up to that power level.
8535517 This does alleviate a lot of my concerns. While I am not as fond of power heavy universes (they tend to result in Mary Sue characters with runaway powers), I think that stems more from authors not planning out their story. I appreciate the thought that you have put in to the power system.
Why did the all three changelings turn into Ember? Two of them don't know what she looks like. Is there a limit to how big/small a changeling can transform?
8536042 There was a reason. Autumn transformed first and the other two copied her. The reason was to determine whether the mimicry thing was a one off. Taking another form gives them another set of data to back their hypothesis. At that point, they weren't sure what their powers were and needed to experiment.
As for run away powers, I can see that criticism being valid at certain points for some characters, then again it is generally not their powers but their wits that let them win. Separate them from non-changeling allies for a prolong period of time, and the drones will be relatively weak.
As for power heavy, I would say that compared to earth, Equus is generally weaker though more varied in what they can do. A human with an assault rifle is far more deadly than any unicorn. An artillery shell could shoot right through a dragon. The reason for the comparison is this is a war setting where changelings intend to conquer the world by subterfuge and smirmishes. I think we should be more accepting of a stronger showing of what magic is capable of, and I want to explore what it would be like to have Equus nations capable of using magic of mass destruction (they can magic the whole crystal empire a thousand years in the future) and the ramifications of that.
In the end, you will have decide if this is a story for you. I am fixing bits of it, but I am still desiring to explore powers I have seen characters use in the show and applying them in new and creative ways.
8502662
Well, the update is out. I hope you enjoy it. I will comb it tomorrow for some inevitable mistakes in it. My pre-readers have been too busy to help me lately.
the only real problem with this chapter is that you made the trip of them going to other towns sound more like you telling us it as a straight fact with no real story behind it, but for the first few chapters, that is fine. once you hit 10 you should start rewriting on a small scale to make it neater and flow more cleanly, aside from that the chapter did its purpose. and you may need to put some more life into how evil Chrissy is, it seems too bland to feel like a threat. basically it makes it hard to sympathise with the mcs
but like I said, hold off on the rewrites until you have at least 10 chapters, no one likes waiting for new chapters just so they have to wait again for them to be polished, as long as they get the point across they are fine for now
8503483
I gave you a promise, even if it gets cringy I will stay with it and try to help in any way I can (aside from editing) I procrastinate way too much to be of help in that department
8503558
Dont worry. Touch ups are rewrites. I most go through and edit and reword things. I might add sentence or two to make something clearer, but that is it.
As for Chryssy, her evil will become more known as we see more of what she has planned and how she will continue to affect the lives of the MCs.
I like the idea of the story. But I have a few concerns:
I'm feel like you are making changelings OP. illusion magic, complete transformation, disguise items are removable and can exist off body, changelings giving love to other changelings (unless it was a transfer and not creating new love). Any one item is not an issue, it just feels like a set up to a bad self insert.
Why did they not simply buy tickets as ponies, it would have been cheaper. Unless there are possible visa issues or some such, it just seems like an unfired chekhov's gun.
I will keep reading, I really like the premise.
8535460
They could have transformed into ponies, but it was a visa issue outside of Equestria since it was built by the Equestrians and they want to get reimbursed. Chapter 12 gives more insight into what makes the ponies so strong, but the real threat to our protagonists isn't the ponies but other changelings. Like Rainbow Dash can literally break the sound barrier, so that is some serious power too. I really wanted to explore the powers I associated with changelings and attach them to the character's personality. It is just a really power heavy universe.
The general idea here is that changelings win in a fight against a species with less magic than them unless that person has a way to neutralize magic. Since changelings are mostly made of magic, things that affect magic or prevent it completely beat them. Think of it like rock-paper-scissors. Mundane strength beats magic resistance, magic resistance beats magic, and magic beats mundane. Ponies are a mixture of magic and mundane, so have about half the strengths and half of the weaknesses of the two classes. Adult dragons are basically boss characters in that they are both strong in mundane strength and magic resistance with moderate magic (fire breath).
If you wanted to kill all the changelings, all you would have to do is create a large enough anti-magic bomb and you could turn all the changelings in a city into empty husks. (When I speak of overpowered, I reserve that for magic-tech, not for the power of individuals. And if you complain about magic-tech being overpowered, then remember that on Earth we have nukes. Magic-tech is the Equus equivalent.)
The power scale for changelings are:
Drones do not have much access to magic when they are not actively draining love. They burn through their love reserves quickly and while they might beat a few ponies in a burst of spells, they wouldn't sustain themselves without non-changelings supporting them. Mundane have the advantage of having more stamina than magic-based beings.
Praetorian/Materian Guards are a step above drones. They overcome their limited love reserves by being able to force drain a weakened target, which turns the victim into ash. They are roughly three times as strong as changeling drone in all categories before factoring their specialty. They would be as strong as a Captain of the Royal Guard, but they wouldn't be strong enough to maintain a barrier the size of Shining Armor's even if they had a specialty relating to shield casting (none of them do). Again, it comes down to having love readily available and a blitz strategy to overwhelm the enemy.
Praetors/Matres are right below the Queen in terms of authority and are basically the alicorns of the changeling race. They are roughly three times stronger than their guards. Their specialties are far less limited than drones. I won't spoil their powers though.
Queen Chrysalis gets the majority of power through getting fed love from all of her infiltrators. Appreciation feeds, friendship heals, and love grows (a changeling's power). Queen Chrysalis is basically the boss character akin to the adult dragons given enough she has given enough love to scale her up to that power level.
I hope that alleviates some of your concerns.
8535517
This does alleviate a lot of my concerns.
While I am not as fond of power heavy universes (they tend to result in Mary Sue characters with runaway powers), I think that stems more from authors not planning out their story. I appreciate the thought that you have put in to the power system.
Why did the all three changelings turn into Ember? Two of them don't know what she looks like.
Is there a limit to how big/small a changeling can transform?
8536042
There was a reason. Autumn transformed first and the other two copied her. The reason was to determine whether the mimicry thing was a one off. Taking another form gives them another set of data to back their hypothesis. At that point, they weren't sure what their powers were and needed to experiment.
As for run away powers, I can see that criticism being valid at certain points for some characters, then again it is generally not their powers but their wits that let them win. Separate them from non-changeling allies for a prolong period of time, and the drones will be relatively weak.
As for power heavy, I would say that compared to earth, Equus is generally weaker though more varied in what they can do. A human with an assault rifle is far more deadly than any unicorn. An artillery shell could shoot right through a dragon. The reason for the comparison is this is a war setting where changelings intend to conquer the world by subterfuge and smirmishes. I think we should be more accepting of a stronger showing of what magic is capable of, and I want to explore what it would be like to have Equus nations capable of using magic of mass destruction (they can magic the whole crystal empire a thousand years in the future) and the ramifications of that.
In the end, you will have decide if this is a story for you. I am fixing bits of it, but I am still desiring to explore powers I have seen characters use in the show and applying them in new and creative ways.