wolfcloud13
Joined 8th Jun, 2017 ·
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Intriguing start!
Only one suggestion, it helps to use the HTML tag [ h r ] without the spaces or press ctrl + h in the editor to add a marker between perspective shifts. It's going to be important to make those clear and I honestly missed the first transition. Using the tag gives you a marker like the one below:
Looking forward to seeing what you have planned.
Is sunset with moondancer and twilight?
Thank you both for your feed back!
Human Sunset is married to the human Moon Dancer and our Sunset is dating Twilight.
And https://www.fimfiction.net/user/250096/Battlecat thank you so much! I couldn't figure it out!
8427594
Oh ok my bad i must have missed something while reading lol.
Anyway i am interested in the story so keep it up.
8427594
Oh, I thought Sunset was cheating. My bad.
This is an intriguing idea, and I look forward to what's next. I would also suggest trying to get a proof reader or someone to go over it, to try to avoid small mistakes, because there were a few spelling errors every once in a while.
It's a decent start to a story. A few spelling mistakes / capitalisation errors here and there, but nothing that jarred too badly. Still an enjoyable read.
Thank you. Ok. I'll see if I can find them.
8440516
I am both flattered and baffled that you took the time to suggest edits. I will look through and make changes as I see fit. Thank you very much. Also you will get an explanation of Rai Bear. As always I will do my best to minimize errors. I have some disabilities that make writing a challenge...
8438276
Also, getting out of (bead > bed).
Is something wrong with Applejack?
Does she like Sunset as well or something or am I misread something.
In the description, I guess your mean that she meets her human counterpart?
8445550
What do you mean?
well that happened
8487032
What do you mean?
8489125
well assuming that the twi meating twi thing happened in the story and sunset simple forgot about it she is freaking out over nothing and is going bannas for no reason (my mind works in weird ways)
i wonder if those thugs will want revenge
The only thing worse than this would be “Wow.” Railgun stared at the necklace.
Yes, yes, i'm a grammar natzi.
this can only end well
whats going on with applejack?
the meeting will be epic
8781028
No coment on Applejack? 😉
8781067
she was robbed sucks for her
8781069
If you are talking abou the man walking away with a sack of apples he paid for them. That was the the money Moon saw her put in the box.
At least that was my intent.
8781088
oh I hope applejack aint in a abusive relationship then cause that would suck
me must of been a auto correct error also never cut your underwear off its a wast of perfectly good underwear
Thanks. I meant to add that Twilight buys replacements. Next two chapters coming soon!
Okay, how is Sunset Pregnant?
8900076
I don't think it is important to the story. I came up with something in my prequel if you are interested.
And magic will show up... when?(For Rai and Moon)
Don't by Pony Sunset's career choice. Nothing in the movies shows her leaning this way. An engineer or something like that sure.
Okay what is with all this medical stuff for character that never showed interest in those areas? It's jarring.
And is AJ making drugs!? That's even harder to believe.
8902925
With who? Gilda? this is an AU and Gilda has had very little screen time in the TV show and this. Sunset? She works in a nursing home and is a premed student.
I am a massive nerd and I love the medical field. I am sorry it was jarring.
8902840
I disagree. In the third and especially the fourth movie she becomes everyone friend here to help. I think she would want to spend her life helping people. She is also is good with people. And she is smart. I recognize that there are lots of possibilities for her but this is what I have chosen for her.
8902956
Help people yes, but never shown anything medical related meanwhile has shown a scientist vibe. The first real negative in the series so far to me with a nitpick on how much Twilight cleans her glasses. I have glasses and I don't clean them that much.
8903019
That's fine. Personally I think she could be a science nerd but maybe not.
It is a nervous habit that she will break.
8903987
not story breaking but an issue for me.
Psssst... Royal Guard, WRONG SUNSET, MOTHERBUCKERS!!!!!
8904588
And their usual competency shows up. You think they would be briefed on the world and that possibility.
8904711
Mind if I get Firebrand in here?
8904737
He's agree with me.
8904764
And I agree with him, the RG needs a brain!
8904812
yup. that's why I think Tempest should train the RG
8904857
Good idea, Hasbro/DHX... GET THE BUCK ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leave is with a vliffhanger and don't address it in the next chapter. Not happy.
8910511
Yup! And it won't be in the next chapter either. I'll get back to it soon but some other stuff has to happen first. Sorry if that's a deal breaker.
8910889
Not deal breaket but annoying
8910889
So I'm guessing Applejack is either selling drugs or is working as a prostitute
hmm that doesnt seem to be quite right
so close
Maud