- Member Since 29th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen January 15th
Totally Kyle
"One time, I, like, had, like, an idea for, like, a story..."
Totally Kyle
Joined 29th Oct, 2016 ·
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Alright so far so good, lets see where this goes. Though im a bit disappointed that Sunset's chapter was so... lackluster. Maybe adding a bit more positions would've helped but lets see what the other ones are gonna be like. I'll give it a chance either way.
9075408
This is the first erotic story I've ever written, so it only figures I wouldn't get it right on my first try.
I'll keep your advice in mind for later chapters, though.
Kudos on the Golden Earring chappy title.
9075496
I think this chapter did just fine. It was their first time together and Sunsets powers pretty much are the most lackluster of the group (I wait in slight dread to see what Fluttershy will do with hers) so there's no real need to jazz things up. Its about two teens having their first time and the focus is just of the connect through Sunsets powers. They did pretty much what you'd expect of them. Mind you though you should still keep the advice in mind going forward but dont go crazy. After all you got six more girls to get through and its nice when there arent too many repeats in series like these.
Tracking.
9076118
I really didn't want to talk about future chapters, but I think that it's only fair to give everyone a heads-up about Fluttershy.
Fluttershy's chapter will not involve her using her power to talk to animals. Even though that kind of goes against the entire premise of the story, there is absolutely no way to incorporate that ability into a fic like this and do it in a way that wouldn't be fucked up and weird. However, I will say this:
Fluttershy's chapter will still involve a magical twist to it, resulting in an erotic scene that would be physically impossible to have with a normal girl in the real world.
That's all I am going to say for now.
Well now we know why Pinkie Pie has so much whip cream in her fridge
Will this story have any m/f sex scenes, implied or otherwise, where the woman does most or all of the work?
Yes. Out of the five remaining chapters, at least two of them involve the girls taking charge.
If you consider this your worst chapter, I cannot wait for the rest.
XD Wow.
Wow. That chapter was amazing. Great job dude. Though, would you mind if I ask who's next?
9101541
Rarity.
9101563
Ooo, that'll be fun to see. Can't wait
Holy shit. That's all I can say. Holy shit. *Thumbs up*
I have to say so far, this is the best chapter in the story. Everything from the setup to the way the characters were handled, just major improvements overall.
Looking forward for more.
Holy goddamn fuck, man. I'd pay to watch that.
9118075
There is actually a film adaptation of this story. You can check out on DVP at your local Blockblister.
9118084
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MOONEY!
Would anyone really need to ask this question when they've been dating for seven months?
There's nothing wrong with waiting a while to have sex, if that's what works for the two of them, but to not even have had this conversation until now?
So super strength, super speed, and telekinesis is what originally inspired you?
9118472
Honestly, it was really only one of those three that originally inspired this story. Then I came up with some pretty good ideas for the other two, (I think they're good, at least) and then I just figured "Eh, might as well try and come up with something for all seven of them."
And that's how this story was made.
As for which single power in particular first sparked the idea...? I saved that chapter for last. You'll just have to wait and see.
9118494
Do you mind if I ask who's next?
9118562
No, not again. I already gave you one freebie when I told you that Rarity was up next last time lol
9118582
Okay then. Though I seriously wonder how AJ's will work into this
9118120
Damn, I wish you had posted that comment just a few hours earlier, because I actually didn't think of that, and I made the exact same mistake in Rarity's chapter, which I posted just before I saw this comment. Oh well.
Wait. When Rarity dismisses her shield and then recreates it around them, where does the breathable air come from? Do her crystal shields somehow filter oxygen out of the water?
Also, is Rarity supposed to be asexual in this story? She says she hasn't had sexual thoughts about the protagonist up until now, and although she "certainly wouldn't mind" doing it, she seems to be talking about sex as something she's doing as a reward for him instead of something they both really want to do. There's nothing wrong with this of course, but it's certainly not what I expected out of a porn story.
It was pretty nice to see how understanding she was with the protagonist, though. He seems to have some unhealthy attitudes, like feeling super guilty about being attracted to his girlfriend.
9118940
Yeah, I realized that the lack of breathable air would have made this situation scientifically impossible, but I was just hoping that most people wouldn't really complain about scientific accuracy in a magic porn story with exploding penises and cloud fucking.
Also, while a significant part of Rarity's decision to have sex was made in order to make her man happy, it was ultimately something that both of them wanted, even if that wasn't made very clear.
Also also, I never considered this series to be made up of JUST porn stories. While some chapters are just shameless porn, the "Romance" tag is there for a reason. These last two chapters, in particular, had some actual feelings and relationship issues that needed addressing before the sex could happen.
And finally, if Rarity or any other character's behavior seems "asexual" or otherwise unusual, it's because I really don't know how to write women, because I have never been with one. I'm just doing the best I can.
I'm glad that you're enjoying the story, though.
I... donno what to say. You certainly managed to one up yourself with this one, its great.
At first i was gonna say that its getting better with each new chapter but that little info you gave us at the end does explain why each of them feels soo different. But thats not really a bad thing.
If anything im just hyped to see how the last three are gonna turn out.
DAYUM.
Now that's fucking hot.
I like this chapter a lot. (Also, I apologize if my last comment was overly harsh-sounding. It's something I need to work on.)
One question, though. Is Spike really that young? Spike the dragon may be a baby (although he certainly acts older than that), but I'm not sure Spike the dog is still a puppy -- dogs grow up pretty fast in human years (like 12-18 months for adulthood, and only 6 months for puberty). It's hard to believe that he's too young to learn about sex -- unless the actual problem is that he can't be trusted to keep secrets from the rest of Twilight's family...
(Also, Spike isn't the only sentient dog; all dogs are sentient. Spike is the only sapient dog.
Of course, it's possible the protagonist wouldn't know that, but Twilight would certainly have corrected him at some point if he didn't.)
9132795
That's a fair point, but personally, I never really thought that science and logic ever had that much of a place in this franchise, especially with different writers always coming, going, and changing the rules around.
I pretty much just thought, "Spike was always portrayed as a child, so that's how I'll write him, too." And that's all that I really thought about.
As for the whole sentient/sapient thing, that's a really good point, so I actually changed that. So, thanks for the correction!
Why didn't you reply to my comment by hitting the reply button?
9142787
I honestly have no idea why I didn't do that. I have no idea why I forgot to use the reply button. Sorry about that. I'm just glad you got my answer anyways.
9120794
You know, I read this comment weeks ago, but I just started re-reading my comments again because it's midnight and I'm bored. But I just realized something.
You said that it felt like I was getting better with each chapter, and I just wanted to point out that my author's note in the very first chapter literally said that I was planning on releasing these chapters in order from worst to best, in my own opinion.
I really had absolutely no idea what to do with Sunset or Pinkie, but, even though I hadn't written them yet, I personally thought that each subsequent chapter had better concepts and ideas than the last, and it's really nice to see that I wasn't alone in thinking that each chapter was an improvement over the last one, at least up to this point.
I guess I'll have to wait and see if I stick the landing with the final chapter, but I'm glad you stuck with me after my fairly rough start.
Ranking:
#7 - Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast (I thought it was a bit over-the-top.)
#6 - TNT (It was more funny than hot, but I still enjoyed it.)
#5 - Strength of the World (It was a little hot and I loved the descriptions, but the over-the-top mountain cracking was a bit OP for my tastes.)
#4 - Lips of An Angel (Really well written, Flutters was in character and serious kudos to the boyfriend for upping her confidence!)
#3 - Black Magic Woman (Fucking on the ceiling. That's a new one on me. XD)
#2 - Radar Love (Few things are more hot than a woman who knows what you want.)
#1 - Rolling in the Deep (My god, man. That chapter was mind-blowing.)
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. I wouldn't mind if you made a second story. =)
Ranking:
#7: TNT (That's a weird thing to do with your lover.)
#6: Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast (Why did you two have sex in the gym, where nearly anyone could see you? Just someone walk in at the wrong moment and you're done for.)
#5: Strength of the World (So, your boyfriend likes being suffocated in your breasts? OK...)
#3: Radar Love & Black Magic Woman (First, knowing what your partner wants before they tell you is plain awesome. Second, if that could be recreated in real life, I'm in.)
#2: Lips of an Angel (I love the way he encourage her in the chapter. And it's well-written.)
#1: Rolling in the Deep (I don't know why, but having sex in a ravine at the bottom of the ocean turns me on. And the name of the chapter reminds me of the song of the same name. So I'm playing it while reading this chapter. Go figure.)
All in all, a good story you have there. I'd love to see a second story come to life.
This was an OK chapter, although i was expecting things to get a bit more "wild" from the way it was mentioned in the previous chapter but i guess it was just my imagination going crazy and hyping myself up. But it wasnt bad, in fact i think it was a very creative take on how Twilight would use her powers for a situation like this.
So i'd say job well done.
Ok, gonna be honest, this was very disappointing to say the least it was very short with almost no substance to it. I know Rainbow is the speedster but geez it didnt have to be taken literally. I get that it must have been hard to come up with a concept around her power but honestly i think a scenario where she just shows off her powers would've been enough and than just go onto "sexy time" with her partner, like in Fluttershy's chapter.
9163636
That's all perfectly fair. This was intentionally the shortest chapter of the entire set because:
1. It felt in-character for Rainbow Dash to go from 0 to 100 with no buildup whatsoever.
2. The angle I was going for was "the sex was so hot that the guy couldn't last very long."
That's how I justified it in my mind, but I definitely understand if this chapter felt underwhelming to you.
9160255
I actually had an idea on how to ensure Rainbow Dash's privacy during her chapter, but I just flat-out forgot to write it in. I fixed it now, though.
Ranking:
7. AJ: I’m actually into strong women but you seemed to have replaced AJ with She-Hulk.
6. Rainbow: this is colored by my personal preference, I like RD and I was looking forward to her chapter but it was just too short. (Not that it’s out of character for her). Also the name of the chapter threw me off, why is “too young” in the name? I know it’s silly but things like that make me a tiny bit uncomfortable.
5. Twilight: it was good but I prefer the adorkable Twilight and she was more assertive here.
4. Pinkie: not much to say, it was good.
3. Sunset: same as with Pinkie, I just like Sunset more.
2 & 1. Rarity & Fluttershy: it’s weird that my two least favorite (but still loved mind you) characters had the best chapters and I think it had a lot to do with the build up and the romance, particularly in Shy’s chapter.
9168774
For Applejack's chapter, was her body the main thing that you had a problem with? Because that is a fair point. I'm into superhumanly strong women as well, but I like them a lot better if they have more traditionally sexy bodies rather than being covered in obvious muscles.
The only reason why I wrote Applejack that way is because that's just the kind of body that I would imagine her having. Her equestrian counterpart is consistently shown to be the strongest of the mane six in terms of raw strength, and I thought that it was only fitting to give her human version a body to match that, despite the fact that I considered her to be slightly less sexy that way.
As for Rainbow Dash's chapter title, it's actually really simple.
All seven chapters titles are named after songs. Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast by Airbourne was the best choice I could think of for Rainbow's chapter. It's not a perfect fit, but it's the best one I could think of.
9169149
It kind of was her body, but I hate how shallow that sounds. There was nothing wrong with the chapter itself or the characters, just that it seemed a little exaggerated in my opinion.
As for RD, again this is just my OCD acting up, don’t worry about it. If you’re looking for song titles, there’s “Gotta Go Fast”, the title of the theme of Sonic X. But most importantly, if you change anything, do it because YOU think it would make your story better, not because some random guy in the comments can’t handle it.
Ranking:
7- Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast (It was just too short with almost no substance)
6- Radar Love (even though i love Sunset i cant ignore the flaws in it but it was still better made than 7)
5- TNT ( a step up from 6 for sure and the ending was just funny)
4- Strength of the world ( very well written but the way the lovemaking was described just made me go: "ouch! that musta hurt")
3- Black magic woman ( a unique take on Twilights powers and how she would use them, plus the way the characters were handled was nice.)
2- Lips of an angel (it was simply a very romantic chapter. sweet, lovely and heartwarming.)
1- Rolling in the deep (its just the best in terms of writing and quality. Interesting and entertaining, top score)
Overall it started off slow with the first two chapters than reached a high point with 3 and 4 held its position with 5 took a nosedive with 6 but got back on its feet with 7.
I did have fun going through it and im glad i sticked around till the end so id say job well done.
I enjoyed reading your story, and I think you did a great job telling the story. However, you have many spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, including a few writing conversions. I ran it through Grammarly (using only the free part) and told it you have the intent on telling a story, that your audience is knowledgeable, your style informal, and that you are conveying strong emotions. I would recommend downloading Grammarly on your computer or laptop if you'd like to improve your writing. Again, the story is good, you just need to do some fixing up.
9243467
"Many spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors?"
Can you give me a few examples? I'm not calling you a liar or anything, but I quickly skimmed through this story again, and I seriously don't know what you're talking about. I wouldn't be surprised if a few typos slipped through the cracks, but were there really that many mistakes?
9243737
"An uncountable mass of trees stretched towards the west horizon." Should be western horizon
"That is, not until I had to squint my eyes to even spot the camp grounds from our spot high up in the sky." Camp grounds should be one word.
"It honestly made be start to really think about life." Be should be me
"I was sprawled lazily on the cloud while Fluttershy laid as straight as an arrow with her arms folder over her chest, as she looked at nothing but the emptiness of the sky above us as the sun burned orange along the horizon to the west." Folder should be folded
"It was always her personality, her kindness, and her oh-so charming smile that got me to fall completely head-over-heels for her." oh-so charming should have another hyphen, oh-so-charming.
"She started to pull her shirt up. I only got the briefest glance at her naval before I decided to turn away from her for dramatic effect, deciding to turn around once she had told me that her shirt was off." Naval is to do with ships, while navel has to do with the belly button.
"It looked almost unnatural, as if someone had photo shopped someone else's tits onto a much smaller girl, and the instant the breasts ended, her body instantly went back to being smooth and flat, rather than have a natural curve connecting her chest to her naval." No comma after unnatural, photoshopped is one word, and it's navel.
"As if to confirm my suspicious, she pulled her mouth away from mine for a brief moment, before simply saying "Thank you" and returned to smothering me with passion." Suspicious should be suspicions.
"I smiled at her, and held my gaze until I started to see all of her worry slowly leave her face." No comma after her, and worry should be worries.
"I felt myself briefly pass straight through the airborne particles, when suddenly, the air caught me." No comma after particles.
"Almost like squeezing an under-inflated balloon, it got harder to press my hand into the cloud as it went deeper and deeper, until I eventually felt like I hit a soft, damp, invisible wall. " No comma after the second deeper.
"This feels... really weird." Fluttershy said, suddenly standing directly behind me." Weird should have a comma since it's the middle of a sentence.
"I felt my arms instinctively hold her tighter as my own worries also away all at once with just that one look." Add the word "fell" in front of away,
"It was so vast, so all-encompassing that I barely even noticed that there were a couple small gaps in the foliage, dotted with a few tiny structures." Add "of" after "couple."
"Oh, okay!" She smile, and started to look through her binoculars." Smile should be smiled, and there shouldn't be a comma after smiled.
"No I'm not," she giggled as she covered her face from the apparent embarrassment that my words seemed to be giving her." There should be a comma after no. "No, I'm not..."
"I had always heard that Twilight's, Fluttershy's, and Rainbow's wings were the same color as their skin, and that they were only about half the length of their arm spans." No comma after skin.
"No I'm not," she whimpered so quietly that I barely heard her." Comma needed after No.
"S-stop," she whimpered. Her eyes and teeth clenched tightly, as if she was just struck in the face and trying desperately to hold back tears." No comma after tightly.
"The most shy and timid girl in school just removed her shirt and was now waiting for me to turn around and stare at her." "Most shy" should be shyest.
"Her wide, terrified eyes locked with mine, and in that moment, they didn't seem physically capable of moving away." "In" should be "at."
"If I hadn't known better, I would have assumed that she was under trial, staring hopelessly at a man in a black robe who was about to decided if she was about to be sentenced to death or not." "decided" should be "decide"
"My voice couldn't help but waver in her presence; my words came out so quietly that she would have never heard what I told her if our faces weren't nearly touching in that moment." "in" should be "at."
"There is absolutely nothing in the known universe could ever make me more happy than the simple act of making her happy." "more happy" should just be "happier."
"Until, that is, I took off my shirt." No comma after "Until."
"Despite their considerable weight, they stood proudly on her chest, and seemed to bloat outwards." No comma after "chest."
"Then, I circled my lips tightly around where I knew the center of it was, and began to firmly drag my face across it, locking tightly onto different areas of her breast as my tongue continued to play with its dark center." No comma after "was."
"So, I let go of her breasts and her mouth, and pulled away for a moment." should be "So, I let go of her breasts and pulled away from her mouth for a moment."
"She looked nervous, but ready. But still, just to be sure..." No comma after "nervous."
"I can say with absolute certainty that neither of us have ever felt that blissfully happy ever before, or since." "have" should be "has."
"Her eyes darted around briefly, as if she was looking for an answer to my question." No comma after "briefly."
"I moved away, and then entered her properly, feeling her warm, wet insides around the tip of my dick as she groaned and shuttered at the sensation." No comma after "away."
"My eyes rolled into the back of my head as we pressed ourselves into each other, as if trying to will ourselves to squeeze out as much as we possibly could." No comma after "other."
"Yes it was," I instantly responded, opening my eyes to the sight of the most perfect smile achievable my humankind being directed my way." Need a comma after "Yes."
This is all of it. The mistakes don't take away from the story, they're just common mistakes. Like I said, I enjoyed reading this chapter and look forward to finishing the rest of the chapters.
9245476
"There is absolutely nothing in the known universe could ever make me more happy than the simple act of making her happy."
You said that I should replace "more happy" with "happier," which definitely makes more sense grammatically, but I think that the repetition of the word "happy" makes the sentence sound better than using two different words.
"It looked almost unnatural, as if someone had photoshopped someone else's tits onto a much smaller girl, and the instant the breasts ended, her body instantly went back to being smooth and flat, rather than have a natural curve connecting her chest to her navel."
You told me to remove the comma after "unnatural," but that simply doesn't sound right to me. I don't know, maybe I just need to rewrite the entire sentence later.
But either way, thanks for posting that list. I corrected literally everything else that you suggested.
9247450
As for those two you mentioned, I see what you are going for, and I agree with you.
I'm glad I was able to help