- Member Since 23rd May, 2013
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Holocron
Gaze within the Holocron and see what stories it has to tell.
Holocron
Joined 23rd May, 2013 ·
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The daily life of a rust player
Pretty sure this should have the sex tag for nudity alone.
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Should it? I wasn't actually sure but I'll add it just in case.
8219249 yup, it’s technically mature due to nudity so a sex tag is involved.
aww poor FS, this is the least happiest streakier fic ive ever read
I had a the same idea except its rainbow dash doing the streaking
Poor Fluttershy! She really needs a hug after that mishap.
So um. Lot of things I want to say about this, almost none of it good.
Technically, you're fine--there are no glaring grammatical errors, there's plenty of description. You've got the show don't tell thing down pat.
But that's the extent of what's good here.
First problem: You take forever to get to the point. 80% of this story is describing Fluttershy setting up camp and making a fire. Why? There's no logical reason to go into this much detail about something so mundane.
Second problem: Logical fault. A teenage girl is going camping alone in the woods? Really? Almost no teenage girl is going to do that, least of all Fluttershy.
Third problem: All that gear and no flashlight or lantern?
Fourth problem: Wild animals conspiring to strip a girl naked? It's kind of hard to swallow that, especially in a non-comedic story, which is what this is.
Fifth problem: A flip phone? Can't imagine any of the EG girls not having a smartphone.
Sixth problem: When she came near the other campsite, why didn't she stop, hide in some bushes, explain her situation, and ask for help? She could've borrowed some clothes, gotten a camper to call her mom.
And so forth.
But the biggest problem with this is that 80% of it is boring to read and then the last 20% is just uncomfortable to read. Streaking stories aren't supposed to be uncomfortable to read, they're supposed to be funny. This failed on so many levels.
Jeez, what an intense story... Thankfully, everything worked out for Fluttershy.
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YOU KNOW what this website really needs is a nudity tag. Suggestions?
Even Fluttershy doesn't deserve that