Very Sleepy
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Hoping what Zephyr said about Twilight and Shining Armor & Applejack and Big Mac was total bull.
nice work on both chapters.
Well, Attention to everything such as the little key details that any story reader should do/know is.
fifty five spelling errors.
Mostly on the word Complied.
Its not compiled.
GREAT STORY
Noice, great story so far. Sonata is always so adorable to read.
Very nice, I love this so much. Pet Play is very hot and I can't wait to see more of this
Just a quick note but this is kinda dark as no girl was given a safe word during this whole thing and it seems like this “club” is more something far more narfarious. Still this could be good.
I enjoyed reading this. I love pet play stories.
9645719
Well, perhaps, but though Rarity was gagged after she'd already spoken, there's two things to consider here. First is that they were originally all able too speak if they wanted to, meaning that from the outset, had one of them suddenly wanted out, all they had to do was say 'nope, nah, honestly, decided this is not for me'. While the importance of a safeword shouldn't be forgotten, these situations should always generally be a 'no means no even if it is body language no'. Which could be seen with how well Fluttershy's handler watched and obliged to her body language.
The second thing to consider is that Rarity admitted to not reading the rules properly. So for all we know, every single other potential candidate knew exactly what they were getting into, and knew exactly what dressing up and joining in entailed. It's like the organised 'clean orgies' I've attended once as a viewer and then twice as a participant. Everybody goes in with the understanding that joining in in the designated area is given consent to involve and be involved, while being in the watcher area is a no-go zone,and when on the participant floor, you act right.
Now we don't know what the advert said, but it could've effectively been the same thing in essence, which all in all means the only two going in without prep were Rares and Shy, and yet they still found themselves pleased with the turnout so eh.
9645069
Of course it's not Compiled. If it was, it would be code, and we can't have that in a pony-fic.
This was a fun read, much potential for shenanigans. I hope you keep going with it :)
9646628
No joke, I actually did think of throwing in some JavaScript code as a gag in a later chapter. So yes, code may be in this fic.
console.log("Le Gasp!");
9646628
It's more of a joke, but if you re-read the story, instead of complied/comply.
It's colpiled
9647554
I'm not really sure what you mean, "colpiled" isn't in this story, unless the find function is messing up.
I did find and fix a few "compiled" errors, and that was on me, but it was just a few. Certainly not a majority of 55.
Alright, I'm interested.
Alright, you have my attention.
9647605
Yeah, I meant to put 15. Not 55. Sorry.
Clop and plot.
aaand...following.
I have a few issues with some of this. none of it is with the clop though. My main issue is with the whole not allowed to leave thing stated in the first chapter. Maybe I just misunderstood what was said, but that doesn't sound like something that should be allowed in any circumstance. That combined with the fact that this place is supposedly fairly close to the school. How would the teachers not know that this place exists?
How did Rarity not know that sex was involved though? She specifically stated in the first chapter that she didn't know. She read the flier because she is able to answer a lot of Fluttershy's questions about the equipment, so did it just not mention any sex? Misinterpreting what was said in whatever she read or heard is very hard to believe when she was so thorough. I'm sure I have more critiques with the story but I can't think of any off the top of my head. This isn't really a critique of anything but why is Rarity shown so often to be more masochistic? I've never really understood that. It feels like the unfortunately false assumption that people who have to make a lot of decisions like to be submissive.
However the story isn't bad. I'm not saying it is bad, just I've read too many stories like this that often go in directions that I'm wary of. I've become too jaded because of the amount of stories that take things to extremes that shouldn't be. I'm also wary because of some of previous stories and what they entailed.
Yeah now possible unpopular opinions aside, I'm willing to give it a try. I'm just worried that it will turn into something that will leave me angry at myself.
So anyway since I have time now, I will expand on what I do like about the story so far.
Your characterization of Rarity and Fluttershy are spot on. A lot of the time I've found that the stories that make me uneasy usually don't have characters with good personality. Usually they show some sort of negative trait right off the bat in those fics. Also do remember that even though pony Rarity and EqG's Rarity are named the same, they actually have differences. Human Rarity forgives a lot easier than pony Rarity does, but she is also quicker to be stuck on something, such as fashion, and neglect other things. The same is for every character in the universe. They all have subtle differences. Anyway, another part is that I'm interested in Sonata's character. You have more than just a clop fic here, there is a story to play with.
That is all I can actually think of right now. I will post again if I think of anything else when looking over the story.
As an aside, the 'Evil vs. Snuggles' bit actually made me laugh out loud. I hope that becomes a running gag.
Fun fact: The original cover art I had in mind for this story was just supposed to be a black square. This being meant to perfectly illustrate Fluttershy's blindfolded PoV of the party.
I tried to commission some artists to make it, but for some reason, none of them thought I was serious...
9644918
If I understood that paragraph correctly, Zephyr wasn't implying anything incestuous. I took it to mean that he was talking more about acceptable family physicality. Hugs, cheek/forehead/top-of-head kisses, hair-ruffling. Noogies maybe, especially for the Apples. Piggyback rides, even, if Applebloom isn't too big for them. That kind of thing. General sibling roughhousing and affections. He's just a little too sleazy to make it work for him. Whether or not he has any ulterior motives, which I can't determine without more direct insight into him.
Sorry this chapter took so long. I was writing it as half of a chapter, but decided to split it in two. The next chapter is already partially written with most of the lewdness. Yes, even the characters in the story seem annoyed by the lack of lewdness.
Oh, that ending was perfect. Evil is no match for Fluttershy’s adorable innocence. Great chapter overall. Looking forward to more.
Wait I wanna know who the other two girls are. At least let one of them be Fleur.
Is 'Evil' Sour Sweet or Sugarcoat?
9770204
Given the way she seemed to know exactly what everyone was thinking (and thus could tell if they were lying), I half thought it was Sunset Shimmer.
9771077
Evil is from Crystal Prep, not CHS.
9771177
And I wasn't convinced that was true at first.
Without a doubt, my favorite aspect is the consistency and pacing of your writing. A story like this could easily get super cheesy or excessively vulgar; but you manage an excellent balance of story, humor, & clop.
The ending was comedy gold
Love it!
I have 3 questions...
being tortured by that evil Evil?
1.When will the next chapter coming?
2.Would it be okay if u keep us informed?
3.And is the next chapter about Rarity
WoW Classic got to me. Level 45 rogue currently!
"BEGONE THOT!" I am in tears from laughing 😂 That said, was hoping to see a little more of the tests/hazing before the finale; like exhibitionism or toy challenges. Although, if you intend to keep the story going after her big night, that has potential; getting acclimated to the lifestyle, more shenanigans with Evil, etc.
Still wanna know who the other two girls that were being hazed are.
That line reminded me of this line "Tom, you've been replaced" - Piccolo DBZ Abridged Episode 2
This story is so sexy i love this idea. 10/10 cant wait for the next chapter, also i cant wait to see sunset and the others as pets
But not Rainbow Dash as a pet right (cause she’s too cool to be a pet
) also I hope we get to see Rarity getting punished by Evil again
.
Sonata is the best
Execpt the sleeping butch face that's penis repellent.
True.
So How’s it going with the next chapter is it in progress or have you been a little busy lately?
Also will the next chapter involve Rarity getting punished by Evil
?
When is the next chapter coming and will it involve Evil subdoing Rarity
Sorry to ask you again but when will the next chapter come out and do Sunset and Sci Twi wined up captured while they were snooping around?
And will we get to read more of Rarity getting tortured by Evil? (I realize I’ve asked this question multiple times now)
Reminds me of
This ... is definitely not what I expected when I started reading, and I'm definitely here for the the story plot. I can totally believe Fluttershy wanting to stay to be a friend for Sontata, err, Snuggles, as well as the whole "I need a new place to live".
Poor Fluttershy.
Consider: Her first exposure to adult activities is to find that, in this group of self selected people who like a certain type of activity, there is 100% of this type of behavior. So, she draws the conclusion that this is normal behavior for all adult women, without considering that this is a selected subset, and others have other behavior/desires.
This is why you need to have "The Talk" with your children to explain just what a wide variety of things "normal" can include, so they don't think it has to be a certain way.
So wait, what was Evil’s real goal? To humiliate or help? Does she really think Fluttershy is a slut?
nice work
9916131
Pretty clear Evil wants to ruin Fluttershy's life. As for whether she thinks Shy is a slut... she's most likely in denial over her failure to humiliate her in front of everyone, so while she knows Fluttershy is (or rather was) innocent as driven snow, she refuses to believe it.
9916293
That makes sense. I’m pretty sure Fluttershy and Rising Star are jumping to conclusions if they think she was actually trying to help.