- Member Since 11th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Frozen Quill
I'm just here to take in tales of grand adventure, love and romance. Then perhaps spin a few of my own.
Frozen Quill
Joined 11th Feb, 2015 ·
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This is interesting. Do go on.
7900502 We shall, thank you for your interest.
The potential for greatness exists here, at the very least this should be worth a few laughs. I look forward to seeing where this goes.
7900913 Frozen Quill and I are going to try our best and thanks for the compliment.
7900913 Thank you, we hope that people will find it funny. It's more or less the foundation the fic sits on. There will be more very soon.
What man goes to the spa?!
I can see the punch lines coming only to still laugh at them, can not wait to see how this transpires.
7914140 I'm sure there are plenty of men who go to the spa.
I think that's part of the charm we are promoting in the fic, you can see the punch line, but it's no less funny. Least, that's what we are trying.
I cant say i got them all, you did make me laugh so thats a plus.
7936403 Thanks!
Frozen Quill and I are brainstorming ideas, world building and not to mention the jokes (Puns 
) oh so many jokes. 
Would you say so Quill?
7936403 I'm happy it made you laugh.
7936656 yup, the jokes and puns mostly come to us as we are writing or talking. It's hopeful people get most of them, but it's okay if not. This chapter had a few well known ones.
Oh s~~~o many references, can see the punchlines coming, but that's what's making it funny. Can't wait to see what you are going to 'conjure' up
7946064 We will try our best to keep up with expectations.
We try not to disappoint. 
A few little issues, but overall well written. Actually quite entertaining, albeit a bit weird compared to most fics.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4:34_2/24/2017
7974763 That's good, I guess. It's bound to be weird with me and my friend writing it, but I'm happy you find it well written and hope you enjoy the fic.
7974822 Weird is good. Something weird is different and interesting.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
8:45_2/24/2017
7975028 True, this fic is rather different to my regular ones.
It works better like this:
"You... are such... an unhealthy mother fucker"
or
"You... are such... an unhealthy... mother fucker."
7976657 I can't believe we missed an 'an'. I see what you mean, the alternative two do sound better, thank you for pointing that out.
7975028 If you think that's weird. Wait until next chapter. We have several things planned for Alexander, Edward, Twilight, and Starlight. Don't we Quill?
7984312 Something like that.
Are Night and Meteor real last names?
8062312 I'm not sure if anyone in the world has them as last names but they are what we picked.
I love it
8076317 I'm very glad you are enjoying the fic.
thats one spicy chicken sandwich
you sly dog
8224431
Not entirely sure what you mean.
8224443
hehe thank you. We try with our references.
I see what you did there
Omg! I'm with Alex. I can't even with this
8308922
That first reference was my co-authors idea and I went with it, glad to see it was worth it.
I was running out of court terms for that second bit there. The objection is in red for another good reference. I'm happy to see you enjoying the fic.
8310379
I enjoy quite a few things. This fic..... this tickles me
8310429
I hope that's a good thing.
8310435
Yes
8310447
Okay then, I hope it continues to tickle you.
Oh. That's why. I stopped reading this a while ago, and decided to try reading again, and while I can certainly say it's not the worst, there are some things that just don't feel right about this. I think I held back with my criticism because I saw potential for this story. The premise was interesting and it didn't feel like there was poor grammar. In fact, you do use proper grammar and generally don't seem to have bad grammar. However, there's a problem: the dialogue. To be more specific, it's that the dialogue of the characters often feels inorganic. Sometimes it's poorly written. Sometimes, the text around it feels like there should be some more descriptive words. Here are a few examples.
The pause one would put in between the two statements would generally be longer than a comma, and instead it would be more akin to the pause of a period. Along with that, the word "besides" would work better than plus, given what the words following are. Following the word "besides" (or plus, if you feel like keeping it) should be a comma.
Now I'm just going to try restructuring this one:
"I still say you're disgusting with your tainting of cheese with egg, you bloody heathen." Alexander stays.
This mostly works, but I would recommend placing a period after "deal" and replacing the period after "0.01% off" with an exclamation mark.
This text seems to be meant as a joke, and it fails spectacularly because we don't see Jerry actually do anything that would warrant this reaction, especially from a former cult leader who ran a town of brainwashed ponies who acted very creepily and has also seen the world end by her hand. What I'm saying is that Jerry simply looked into her eyes while speaking with a different voice than usual, causing a massive over-reaction from someone who lived with a bunch of extremely creepy weirdos and has seen an apocalypse which she caused. It does not make sense, given what we know of the characters and their actions. Also, Jerry didn't even move to touch her, much less touch her. I know it's meant as a joke, but it does not work as real dialogue. Sure, she could be creeped out, but shouting "bad touch" and hiding behind Alex doesn't make sense given everything we know. If you want to show her being freaked out enough to move away, I suggest something like this:
"Ah!" Starlight shouted, jumping backwards.
Of course, if that change occurred, a change here would also need to occur.
Here, I recommend replacing "Well, that was interesting..." to something along the lines of a sigh or the word "ah..." to make him seem disappointed in some way.
I'm always happy for criticism so long as it's constructive, unlike some comments I've got before on other fics just outright shooting down the story premise because of blah blah rather then taking into account the world it's being told in. Looking over most of what you've said I can agree with the majority of the criticism. As for the bit about Starlight's reaction. That wasn't serious dialogue to be honest. Jerry's line along with her response was a reference to JonTrons reaction to the brown ferret or whatever when he watched Food Fight. I will most certainly go over what you've said with my co-author and see what he thinks about the criticism. In general though I thank you a lot for taking the time to post such a constructive comment. Sincerely, thank you.
8314920
Hey there! We used 3 out of 5 of the grammar corrections that you made. Now I will mention what we didn't include or fix.
Now as we write this story we brainstorm ideas and incorporate memes into the story as a whole. This is a direct reference to JonTron who I will leave the video of the part where he gets his reaction.
Now for the last one:
Alexander and Edward are their own characters, which is a personification of my partner and myself. If anything Alexander wasn't disappointed, he was amused. Also, there is already a sigh at the end where he asked.
8317164
Sighs are indicators of two things: disappointment and contentment. Amusement is expressed through smiles and giggles.
8320311
I changed the before debated line to have this alteration at the end. I chuckle in amusement a lot at some things.
It's official I love your story
8325010
I'm very happy you love it thus far and I hope it continues to earn your affection as we press on.
Why must Twilight be the more calm one? I want her to do something badass or, well, something at all. Someone calling her weak or so and she going all alicorn rage mode. But all in all nice story so far.
8344439
While we might not do exactly something like that, I can say you might have inspired an idea.
... You just had to, didn't you? It had to be a reference to ... him. Alex Louis Armstrong, the Strongarm Alchemist
Does the familiar also sparkle for no good reason?
Wait! More importantly, DOES THE FATHER SPARKLE?!?
8347323
Needless to say, I so badly had to. In terms of said sparkling, the familiar is more than likely to as you brought it up. It had honestly not crossed my mind. The father, on the other hand, won't as he is simply based on the said inspiration. I am very glad that somebody noticed that reference though.
8353600
It was the proverbial broad hint. I don't think it could have been any more obvious even if you tried.
8353614
I suppose in essence the point of the reference was to be as obvious as possible.
I can't help but feel this is relevant...
orig00.deviantart.net/e326/f/2014/060/7/b/does_it_taste_like_cherries__by_evehly-d78fbxd.jpg
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/10/18/745009__suggestive_pinkie+pie_twilight+sparkle_cute_fanfic_fanfic+art_frown_implied+hornjob_licking_looking+up_open+mouth_-colon-p_tongue+out_wide+eyes.png
Also, why is it I can only find pictures of Pinkie Pie licking Unicorn horns?
8423018
Fair enough and I suppose Pinkie Pie is the one weird enough to do it randomly.