Sorren
Joined 24th Jan, 2012 ·
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A sadly empty (at time of writing) comment section... I suppose it would be gauche and crass (and bannable) of me to wave my e-willy around (what happens if I am not male?) and proudly declare "FRIST POST!!1". What say we meet halfway and say "First post to contain the word 'Ouagadougou'?"
*Ahem*
I do not typically enable the mature filter, so I never would have happened upon this were it not for someone recommending it to me.
I must say I am intrigued by the premise. It reminds me of my favourite X-Files episode Darkness Falls, which was also set in a forest. I have been looking for a good "slow boil", tense horror/thriller story to scratch this particular macabre itch.
Certainly excited to see where you will take this and cannot wait for more!
2020-05-28 update:
The dialogue and whatnot after the 2020-05-27 update flows a lot more smoothly now
The plot thickens. Looks like corporate has some quite progressive ideas on workpony's compensation... I guess retirement plans and medical benefits are out of the question?
I did have a few issues with some things that pulled me out of the story and threatened my suspension of disbelief.
(I apologise if this comes across as too whingy; I still enjoyed the chapter nonetheless)
The whole bit about "evil corporation mounts illegal logging expedition, uses PMCs to silence witnesses after operation" really strikes me as unfeasibly complex and unrealistic. In my mind it cheapens the threat of the forest; the real dangers now are the
mercenariesprivate military contractors and the unscrupulous bean-counters at corporate headquarters. Corporations do perform skeevy and illegal acts, but typically it is a result of bureaucratic cost-cutting in an attempt to maximise profits.IMHO, something like the following would put the focus back on the forest and its denizens while still setting up the unfortunate loggers as unsuspecting sacrificial saps:
(Everything above board and legal in this case)
(saves 3 days of travel, no mucking around in the marshy bog, loggers should not spend enough time in the vicinity of the magical radiation around the castle for it to be a problem...)
(meets standards, but not excessive in order to save money)
(works just as well for a fraction of the cost. (once again meets standards, but not much in reserve if something goes terribly wrong.)
This would set up a compounding series of corner-cuts and inter-departmental miscommunication that individually would not be too serious, but when taken together spells the almost certain doom of the loggers...
Those issues aside, I really enjoyed this chapter. I cannot wait to see what you do next.
Side note: the utility co-op in my town was trimming the right-of-way of the big power lines this morning. Something like this:
Reminded me a bit of how you described Blazer clearing a trail through the forest
7705483 Oh my goodness let me try and wrap my head around what you just said for a moment. You may have lost me just a little bit somewhere in the middle. All I can say to your various comments about the complexity and unrealistically of the situation is that... I've thought about that. All I can say to that for the time being is that I would never plan on making a story such as this based on man vs. man conflict.
I've already got the next two chapters written out partially and an outline for the rest.
I really appreciate your comments. I'm glad that someone's reading this!
7705836
Looking forward to it!
Coincidentally, Trouble by Rene Aubry makes for good ambient background music for this chapter
Some random stream of consciousness thoughts as I was reading:
I get the feeling that this will be both their salvation from the Everfree Nasties™ and their downfall as a company. Nothing quite says "Hey! Listen! Illegal activities this way!" like a clear-cut path through protected old-growth forest.
...smells like...profits!
Or an unscrupulous guard's/militant eco-wanker's wet dream. Lance and Shayne must have thought Hearth's Warming came early this year. Plenty of opportunities for an "unfortunate accident"
I guess they never thought of a hoof-cranked dynamo or a shake light?
Although I guess if you were a fly-by-night illegal logging operation you would not necessarily have the latest and greatest shinies from a commercial outfitter company.
That sounds disturbingly ominous. The trees are going to start weeping blood and screaming soon aren't they?
Actually I could see something like the Man-eating Tree from Phil Robinson's 1881 Under the Punkah. Plenty creepy there
Nothing like that tinnitus from a completely silent space to wear down on your nerves.
This certainly was an enjoyable chapter! I cannot wait for more.
7727815 Thanks so much for your input! I always love seeing people's reactions to my writings.
However, remember that the level of technology that we're working with here is 1940's ish. The show is somewhat irregular when it comes to technology related to time period, but I like to imagine it's pre-1950
On a side note, shake or crank flashlights are incredibly useless and high maintenance. They're a novelty at best, or something you bring on a backpacking trip.
7727865
Fair enough. It was just a very minor quibble/observation.
I had something like the GN-45 hand-cranked generator in mind. They were developed for military use in World War 2 around that time. I guess in your universe they would still be bleeding-edge experimental research.
I almost feel sorry for Shayne. Quiet room tinnitus is bad enough with normal hearing; I cannot imagine how bad it would be with enhanced bat-pony ears.
I guess Bloodwood stillborn now?
The minor details of world-building woven into this story appealed to me, greatly: I appreciated the nonchalant remarks about an especially stocky "Clydesdale breed from up north" & how pegasi's "light bones...ain’t too good for the kinda work we do."
Also, Rusty's lie about harvesting old-growth trees (in Chapter 3) sounded convincing, avoiding explanation by feigning ignorance about "a bunch of political bullshit" & playing on his blue collar coworker's distaste for bureaucratic red tape (or "paperwork").
I also noticed the following errors in the first & third chapters:
Though you only "write like once a year," Sorren, I still hope to see more of this story & the sequel to "Size Totally Matters".
8879995
Not anymore.
I'm surprised at this stories length. Usually stories like this are one-shots.
10255995
Yay...!
That was deliciously ominous. The forest is waking up and getting peeved.
They come with fire. They come with axes. Gnawing biting breaking hacking burning! Destroyers and usurpers CURSE THEM!
It's updated!
Thank you, Sorren~
The ominous tone of this story's first three chapters intrigued me, especially the Grove's description in Chapter 3 & how its silent darkness unsettled Shayne (despite her sharp ears & being nocturnal). The latter reminded me of when a sarosian (batpony) lost his sight & hearing in ShortSkirts&Explosions' Background Pony, experiencing true darkness for the first time.
That calm, eerie atmosphere afforded me the impression that "Bloodwood" could develop into more of a psychological horror than a supernatural one; the three recent updates only reinforced that idea, with Rachet's suspicion towards Lance ultimately resulting in "The Fall" & Blazer's paranoia about how the trees "have it out for [him]" focusing more on the Everfree Forest's mental effects than its magical ones.
Regardless of which route this literary piece takes, I eagerly anticipate more of "Bloodwood" to see either the supernatural horrors of the Everfree or more mental issues amongst the expedition's individuals.
I also noticed the following grammatical error in the sixth chapter:
10275549
You have no idea how much I love feedback like this. It's comments like this that keep me, and most other writers motivated, especially when a story you're working hard on is struggling to get a lot of attention. Thank you so much, and I am very glad you're enjoying it.
Also, fixed the error. Thanks for pointing it out.
10275936
👍
It seems my web of genuine compliments & sentiments unintentionally lulled you into a false sense of security!
Now, I shall strike with a series of sucker-punches! After reading the recent blog-post wherein you mentioned re-writing "the first three chapters,", I closely re-examined Chapter 1 & found the following:
1)
The word "stallion" there proves unnecessary & redundant since the pronouns "his" & "him" appear later in that same sentence, indicating the character's sex. Furthermore, that character is referenced as "the tan stallion" less than three paragraphs later & again less than two paragraphs after that ("The tan stallion across the table" & "The tan stallion pursed his lips" respectively).
2)
Being a proper name, the term "Everfree Forest" should always include a capital letter at the start of each word (see the Everfree Forest's wiki page for reference).
3)
That comma after "neither I" serves no purpose currently (possibly a typo). You could add another comma after "nor you" to change that phrase into a dependent clause & emphasize the speaker's point or you could simply cut the first comma.
4)
That first comma should come after "and" instead of "emotion"; otherwise, the conjunction "and" remains with the phrase "after a second," making the sentence a run-on.
However, that sentence already looks long; thus, I recommend splitting it into two separate sentences, preserving the writing's flow whilst simultaneously emphasizing the pause of "after a second": "The auburn stallion seemed to seethe as his narrowed eyes scanned the unicorn's face for emotion. After a second, the earth pony nodded and let out another puff of smoke."
5)
Akin to the aforementioned "tan unicorn stallion" at the chapter's beginning, the word "stallion" here proves unnecessary & redundant since the pronoun "his" references that pegasus in the same sentence three times, indicating the character's sex.
6)
That sentence is a run-on since it goes: Independent Clause, Dependent Clause, Dependent Clause, Dependent Clause. You can rectify that issue by changing the excerpt to read as follows: "The pegasus hesitated, then nodded. He turned & scrambled up over the back of the wagon, ruffling the map a little in the process."
7)
*hard hat
8)
Random, unnecessary quotation-mark.
10276645
Chill the jets a little. I appreciate the effort, but there don't need to be page-long comments about grammar under the story. You find any errors then you're more than free to send them to my inbox, or ask to hit me up on discord.
Besides, most of those are my stylistic preference and not actual errors.
10276975
Only two (arguably three) of those issues could be called stylistic choices, not "most"; "most" of them (2, 3, 4, 6, 7, & 8) are grammatical errors.
I'll send any other grammatical errors I notice to your inbox.
Just by reading the description i can say that this stories concept is reminding me of the deer arc from the comics, though i have no doubt this will be alot darker and more violent then the comics ever made that arc.
mmm sounds like the tree tried to eat him.
(somehow I missed this update)
Wow. That certainly took a turn for worse. They are withers deep in shite creek and the weather is forecasting flash flooding
10275549
Yes. Yes indeed.
(René Aubry - Trouble)
The forest is starting to get flat out nasty now. Like real proper X-Files things.
That was an interesting bit earlier about the magic absorption of the Bloodwood trees. Now I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if they actually succeeded with their lumber contract. I mean, assuming that this is not just some ploy by pony Majestic 12 or similar "no such agency" to sacrifice some patsies nopony will miss to satiate "The Forest", I cannot imagine the harvested wood would fetch much of a profit. Sure, Bloodwood may have a beautiful, one-of-a-kind grain and unique properties that make it a desirable material for working with, but the whole "weeping blood" and "paranormal malice" thing tends to hurt resale value.
I typically have the [M] filter enabled, so I missed these last few updates, but I have been enjoying this story so far. Really scratches that itch for a nice "
manpony-vs-nature" horror thriller.