Sorren
Joined 24th Jan, 2012 ·
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Comments would be appreciated. This is my real first attempt at writing a clop so I'd like some feedback as to what to fix or what not to change.
“Now what are you gonna’ do?” Rainbow asked teasingly. “Read me a book?” EASILY the best line Ive ever read in a clopfic
This is one of the better clopfics, I'll say.
It's the first one I've ever read without spelling mistakes. Exempting 'Beating the Heat', I think.
But I digress: FIne writing, and not overly ridiculous. It actually was believable.
639491 You have no idea how much hearing that just made my night.
It was... well, cloppy.
"Rainbow was still completely submerged in her book." I don't have much of a problem with this, but wouldn't it be "immersed" as opposed to "submerged?" I could easily be wrong here.
Aside from that, I saw no errors and found this to be a good read.
639500 Night?
Oh, yeah, time differences...It's close to midday over here.
that were right good
I literally lol'd when Twi said,“Well I had to get your attention somehow. I think you were about to eat the book.” Such a great line.
I personally like Appledash more then Twidash, but this story was really well written. Very good for your first attempt.
Nice.
A little bit repetitive on "folds"
Also
>was pushed asunder.
You might want to look up "asunder". I doubt that was the word you wanted.
639669 Oh my, that's... that's really bad. Thank you. Wow, ouch.
Oh, yes. Permission to squee in your prescence?
639680
I-if you want to. I guess.
639691 Never mind, you made it sound really awkward all of a sudden
but thanks for pointing out that error. it was quite bad.
639697
emphasis on the "i" here
i.imgur.com/FOpYo.png
639697 Damn you! I need a new pair of sunglasses now!
Better than anything I've wrote.
This was hot. One of the better clop fics I've read. Funny, sweet, and sexy, all in one.
Great job!
Testing out a pony avatar generator! Seems to work quite well so far!
Love this so much! Write MOAR!
643709 Well I have plenty more writing. It's just all on my non-clop account. I should have totally uplaoded this there though. 1k views on a brand new account. Jeesh! I would have made featured had this been on my other account.
This was okay. Nothing special in regards of character developement or ideas in the steamy section but the characters are not out of place and the story makes sense in its world. During I read I realized that one small paragraph can make the story plausible (in this case the paragaph in which you describe Twilights thoughts toward RD.)
I enjoyed it too. It wasn't overdone, it was funny and it was sexy. 5/5
Very very good. You rock, woo hoo.
Also wow first clop? You give me hope for when I decide to finally write something.
...and then spike walked into the room in the middle, went "NOPE!" and immediately fled the building
647688 LOL, I auctually thought about including that, but didnt becasue it would have totally shattered the mood.
647866 that would have been the entire point. or at least something like aftwards "Hey Twi...what were you and Dash doing up there?"
648659
Twilight tensed. "Oh, that... heh, we were just..." She trailed off, looking for a reasonable explaination.
"Having sex?" Rainbow added helpfully.
Twilight winced and shot a glare at her friend. "You aren't actually supposed to tell him that!"
650130 exactly how that went in my head...
"..wait..what? you were...you know what...Don't even want to know...I'm gonna go spend a night with the cutie mark crusaders or fluttershy or something...or maybe two...or three...or-"
"We get it"
650147
"Feel free to come back any time spike," Rainbow chided. She leaned over and planted a kiss on the unicorn's lips.
652578
I get the 100th like
659748 Great work! Now I can officially declare clop more likeable than a normal story. My experiment is complete. (oops, I'm not signed in as this account. This is TheAlternateUser, it's just my primary account, without all the clop.)
I don't know if you want feedback on the "story" elements here? For what it is, a short clop story, I think it's definitively among the better I've read; it's got cute, it's got sweet, and it doesn't feel mechanical or clumsy. I felt that some of the setup could have been more elegant in that Twi's admission (to herself and the reader) that she fancies Dash was very abrupt and out of nowhere.
I think it's the sentence "There was something about the mare that just made Twilight want her." that really annoys me; everything up 'till that point, and everything past it, is cute and funny. We have Twi faffing about the library, a slow smooth progression, but this is dumped on us; it feels out of place surrounded by a very nicely written intro sequence and some very cute TwiDash interactions.
Dash's reaction is fine, even if we're not privy to her thoughts (I like limited 3rd person anyway, so that's not a concern), but yeah.
All in all? I really liked this, thanks for writing!
660335 Thank you for the feedback. After writing the whole thing, I loked back and realized that there was absolutely no draw or reason for them to spontaniously have sex. So I went back and around and wrote some things in. I guess I got a little choppy there.
661036 I guess "choppy" is a good word to describe exactly what I felt yeah - again, I'm sorry if I come across as unreasonably harsh or nitpicky here, but I really felt like that there, the lack of a smooth transition, is the only thing that holds this back. To clarify, I really, really enjoyed this, and it was a fresh breath of air to find something that didn't feel contrived - something that made me genuinely happy.
Keep it up, please!
661084 I don't think you are being nitpicky at all. And that compliment coming from you of your fair status by far just made me smile wide enough to tear the muscles in my face. With the success of this clop, I will find time to try and write more. I never knew openeing an alternate account for clop could get such... good feedback.
Thanks for all the imput. [INSPIREATION GAINED]
661036
No reason?
Dash is smokin' hot. That's reason enough.
I kid.
But yeah. I like this because it doesn't screw the characters metaphorically. Even if the clop comes from nowhere, it's still Twi and Dash not a pair of OC's wearing those names.
661142 Waitwaitwaitwait! Are you telling me.... that I managed to keep two charecters—in charecter—while having sex?
I hardly even thought it was possible myself.
661154
Oh it can happen. I'd like to think my clop did it (even though there's no story). I know I could have had List head off to clop if I wrote another week of time. Dash moves fast after all.
I find less to object to in this fic wrt characters than I do the average shipfic I read. So, take that for what you will. You'd really need a non-shipper to tell you. I obviously have some pre-formed opinions on ponies kissing and fuckin', so I may not be teh best judge of character. I do dislike a lot of popular clop for messing the characterization up.
661171 I must agree. A lot of times, things get out of hoof. But still, I much value your opinion. You have plenty of views and followers, so I take it you have been doing something right.
This was solid. Not amazing or groundbreaking, but considering it's your first attempt at a clopfic, it's very well executed.
My only critique is one on grammar: pegasi is the plural form, so the proper singular possessive would not be pegasi's, but either be pegasus' or pegasus's. i.e. The pegasus' lips.
Other than that, nice work and keep it up.
667749 This has always been a long lasting debate for me. It flows better in the sentence yet to some remains incorrect. I'm not going to go back and change it, but I see where you are coming from.
Take it from another "Caneighdian" guys, you don't really want to read up on our history. There's a railroad, some drama about natives and schools and a section on a war we TOTALLY WON. And that's really all of intrest...
639491
All things considered, I don't think 'Beating the Heat' counts as a clopfic. It has the elements of one, but it never includes any actual clop.
671276 Agreed but you forgot Vimmy Ridge. every thing else is boring.
Why couldn't Spike show up at the end and it had one of those embarrassing moments??
694523 cauze that would completely kill it. completely.
Edit: have a track. you've earned it. AND a watch. its long overdue. you AND Sorren, aka other acct.
636547 this was an awesome "first attempt". are you sure that this was your first clopfic and you're not just trolling?
Either way that was awesome 
719807 No honestly, that was my first attempt at clop. I've been writing for a while before this, but ponysex is new to me.
719910 yah i knew that, just pulling your hoof
you sure impressed me, and thats hard as fudge to do. TAW did it, kits did it, now you have too. Congrats, you are now at LEAST my 3rd favorite author.
Edit: Im my 4th favorite author
This story was awesome!
all of these comments got me thinking... what the hell happened to spike