TheEvilCookie
Joined 7th Dec, 2015 ·
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So cute!!!
It's cute but the pacing is far too fast and it's a bit sparse on details.
7649804 I'm glad you liked it. I agree! Diapered ponies are adorable
7649952 Thanks! :) Sorry I didn't come up with anything else to add
I liked it, but is a little fast
8138669 I'm glad you liked it! I'm sorry if it's a bit to fast :(
its so cute and is it a pony story or human story
8153279 Thanks! It's a pony story
I must give my thoughts.. In honesty i know what your getting at and its a understandable situation.. However i think the story is too .. short to consider. Plus everything came out of nowhere like a convenience. I think you needed to start the story out with perhaps a Backdrop of twilight panicking of the request She just made to rarity before she made it to the shop. Though the story has a good note... i just think it was Executed poorly. I won't dislike the story but perhaps next time add a little more detail into the story with twilight's background on the situation.
This reply is only to help not to hurt. Please don't be offended by this.
8171785 I'm sorry for not giving a background of her situation. I know that your comment meant to help
It's not bad as a premise, but Rarity is unrealistically okay with everything, Twilight is all too accepting of how accepting she is, there's no real conflict or concern to actually be had, and Rarity pulled out the term "ABDL" far too readily. That brings up the question of why she knew the term to begin with. Does she know another ABDL? Is Rarity an ABDL herself? Did she just read an article about them? This isn't really a story, to be honest, but it's the skeleton of one. You've got all the basic working parts, but it's only the bare bones: there's no meaty storytelling goodness here to bring your story to life.
Also, just for the sake of improving your grammar, the words are "scenario" and "course" instead of " scenereo" and "coarse". Coarse is a word, but it's a description of a rough texture (e.g. sandpaper or the bumpy tops of a LEGO brick), not the positive affirmation you intended. "Element of Generosity" should also be capitalized like this, since it's a title (think of King and Queen here, both titles that are capitalized). A spellchecker would catch the first two (probably. It might not catch "coarse" since it is an actual word), but the latter is something spellcheckers won't know and need a careful proofreader or cautious eye to catch.
8269152 I guess I rushed her acceptance of it or I didn't explain it well enough
8463421 Thanks!
that is the wrong type of course you have there the one you have is like a coarse rock the type i believe you meant was course
needs quotation marks to indicate talking
again wrong type of course and end quotation marks
you forgot the beginning quotation mark and i think you meant to her to convince not he tot
you forgot the quotation marks at the end
other than the mistakes i pointed out, awesome story looks like a sequel could be in the making, for example, one where Rarity realizes how happy she and Twilight are when they are like that. maybe have Rarity offer to be a mommy to twilight
8607873 Sorry about the mistakes. I actually didn't think a about that idea but it seems like that idea would make a very good sequel. I will think about it. Thanks!
8608088
your very welcome and don't worry about the mistakes I just thought you would like to know about them in case you wanted to go back and fix them some day
8608100 I won't worry about the mistakes. Thanks!
8608103
no prob awesome story
8608144 Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
8608152
no problem looking forward to that possible sequel i gave you a follow because of the story you earned it
8608156 Dont worry I'll think about doing a sequel! Thanks so much!
8608160
your welcome
8608163
Well your improving maybe you should stick to ABDL
8657158 I have thought about making more ABDL stories but I haven't thought of any other ideas for a new one. I would want my next ABDL story to be better than is one. I have thought about making a sequel to this one where Rarity agrees to be kind of like a mommy for Twilight
8657161
Sure sounds cute
8657173 :) If I do make one for this story it would be this year I would have find out how I would write such a sequel to this story
8657180
Simple: think about how Rarity feels later maybe have her be babied by twilight. Lol. Have fun
8657191 I could probably use that idea. Thanks!
Not as bad as I was expecting. Grammer was okay (a few places here and there needs to be fixed) and the general thing was okay... pacing wasn't good. You should slow down. And why does Rarity just know about Twilight's condition that easily?
8269152
There actually does exist a spell checker that catches grammar. I’ll write a sentence twice to show you the difference.
i sink u could of told me a storie and dun it bettr then this. (no spelling checker.)
I sink u could have told me a story and run it better than this. (spell checker active.)
Not perfect, but an improvement. It also lets you choose different words when it doesn’t know what you mean.
Oh, before I forget, I’m using “Grammarly” at the moment. let’s see how many “advanced issues” it’s found, for which I’d have to pay to get them fixed.
There appear to be five of them in this text at the moment... now six. I’ll stop writing before it jumps to seven.
Now for the story itself. I’m going to be critical, so you get feedback. You shall have to be the judge on whether this is constructive or destructive.
I’ll put it this way: Be glad I swore to myself never to curse.
The story was unrealistic in terms of character action, didn’t show any problem or obstacle to overcome. The telling-showing scale is being kept in balance by an extreme-right racist politician when one of the two is poor, and the other rich. The narrative has many, many grammar errors and the changes in setting were as sudden as they were short. I’m sorry to say, but this is trash.
On the other hand, I’m aware I’m being overcritical: The idea was okay; I’ve seen grammar far worse than this; Inexperienced writers most often have trouble with the narrative; And I have no right to complain for reading a bad story, having chosen to do just that myself and not giving writing a try (yet) myself.
I don’t know when this story was made, but I’m sure that you’ll be able to make better ones in no time at all.